Finally, the March 2023 scores

[Rubber Soul]

Starting with me

Spoiler

Trollheart (A Safe Place): 7.5/10
         robhr (Do you want to go again) 9.2/10
         Guybrush (Lockdown) 6.5
         Mrs. Waffles (Crazy Pills) 7.0
         SGR (Svelte) 8.8 (

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Spoiler

A SAFE PLACE (Trollheart)

GRAMMAR (20%): 10/10

FLOW (40%): 8/10

The STORY (40%) 7/10

An intriguing double twist on this one but it seems to me that you gave that away a little too soon. I can't fault you on grammar (or any of you, really) and I can sense the themes and the story itself remains consistent. My beef would be of the story itself. Did the murderer have a specific interest in this woman for example?

Nevertheless, I found the story entertaining and, while I know you're capable of better, Trolls, and I give you high marks for your detailed descriptions, this nonetheless comes off as a nice horrifying yarn.

OVERALL RATING: 7.5

DO YOU WANT TO GO AGAIN (Robhr)

GRAMMAR (20%): 10/10

FLOW (40%): 9/10

The STORY (40%) 9/10

I sense a lot of paranoia and madness in this intriguing entry. This is a chilling piece on the ramifications of drug addiction and you can sense the pain and mental agony of the protagonist here. I only really have two criticisms here. I'm not sure I like the title all that much- is this supposed to be a recuring sequence as if someone is being punished by God? The other criticism is something I was reminded of when my work was being critiqued. He would chide me on my use of what he called five and ten cent words and I think you may be guilty of that at times as well.

Having said that, I'm quite impressed with this entry. I could see you writing a book about this guy's addiction. Would be interested to see if there would be a happy ending (or a not so happy ending for that matter).

OVERALL RATING: 9.2


LOCKDOWN (Guybrush)

GRAMMAR (20%): 10/10

FLOW (40%): 6/10

The STORY (40%) 6/10

EXTRA POINT:  For being the only one who followed directions and mail me his entry.

I have to admit, this was a weird one. While I see where you're going with the theme (Who's actually mad, the protagonist of the Grandma?), I really couldn't keep up with where you were going with the story overall. It seemed like the protagonist went through several different phases in a matter of minutes. It wasn't uninteresting in any way, just kind of confusing.

PS- Who is Pip? Is it anyone Troll and I know?

OVERALL RATING: 6.5


CRAZY PILLS (Mrs. Waffles)

GRAMMAR (20%): 10/10

FLOW (40%): 6/10

The STORY (40%) 7/10

Like the entry before, I had a hard time keeping up with where you were going with this. Then again, limiting something to 700 words can be a challenge and, to me, you were unable to find a resolution to the story. In other words, it seemed incomplete to me. Maybe you would have had more success if you had edited out the first half and concentrated more on the interaction between Alex and Mr. Waffles. I think you have the makings of a good story, but you definitely need to flesh things out a bit better.

I also see the romantic angle. Is this story perhaps influenced by your own personal relationship (the positive aspects of it, obviously)?

OVERALL RATING: 7.0

SVELTE (SGR)

GRAMMAR (20%): 10/10

FLOW (40%): 8/10

The STORY (40%) 9/10

I rated this late entry rather high as I'm guessing that SGR is talking through the voice of anorexia. And certainly, that is a tragic condition for anyone to be in. I can only imagine going through that experience whether it is yourself, or seeing it happen to a loved one. I like how you include the theme in this piece, and, like robhr, my only real criticism is the use of those five and ten cent words I too am guilty of using. I don't see it as elitist necessarily (some of these words just happen to be part of our vocabularies), but I can see how it can turn the average reader off. As for the story in of itself, I have to admit I was intrigued by it, and it would have been the best entry in my opinion if not for Rob's earlier entry. Nice entry, SGR.


OVERALL RATING: 8.8

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Okay, so when Trolls and Synth get their scores in, we'll have a winner for March. Meanwhile, let's gear up for May.

[Lexi Darling]

Thank you for your feedback! I should be able to have some free time tonight or tomorrow morning to formulate my scores. Should I post them in this thread?

And yes, my writing is based very much on my own life, or rather a fictionalized, idealized version of it. My specific mindset is that I try to write about where I see myself in five years. I've written a lot of stories in that context over the past couple years.

[Rubber Soul]

Yes, because of the circumstances, just go ahead and post your scores and thoughts on this thread. In the future, I'll want the scores mailed to me so I get them all up at one time, but this is an unusual situation.

[Trollheart]

Okay, here are mine. Please nobody take offence, but I have to be honest. Nobody wants to be told everything about their story is perfect, do they, if there are issues with it? Hey! Put down that club with nails, now! Can't we just talk about this?

As to RS's comment on my story, well. The narrator had been going to the therapist, had obviously killed him and then stood in for him on his next appointment, so no, any person - woman or man - would have done. He was just waiting for his next victim.

Anyway, enough about me. Oh no wait: more about me. Well, maybe later. The votes of the Dublin jury are as follows:

(I've just copy/pasted your format, RS: hope you don't mind)

Spoiler

DO YOU WANT TO GO AGAIN (Robhr)

GRAMMAR (20%): 10/10

FLOW (40%): 9/10

The STORY (40%) 10/10

I love the imagery in this story. I've never been under the influence of drugs, nor do I ever expect to be, but I feel like I went on a trip here. I love the little vignettes – the man says "We live for you", the woman says "we die for you", the idea of the skeleton – representing death, duh; maybe a little on the nose but a decent idea to make it "god", the idea of the addict thinking he is God and this whole universe only exists because of, and for him, and I don't know but I wonder if this is meant to be Jesus? Probably not. But either way, the cyclical nature of the story – contrary to what Rubber Soul says – really appeals to me in a sort of nihilistic way. It's not like the guy is going to make any better choices the next time around, but he's going to have to go through this again and again and again. Or is he? Is there an element of choice, when he's asked by the skeleton? Great story, no issues at all with it. Wonderful, descriptive prose, a cloying, claustrophobic, brooding mood overlaid with panic and paranoia.

OVERALL RATING: 9.8


LOCKDOWN (Guybrush)

GRAMMAR (20%): 10/10

FLOW (40%): 6/10

The STORY (40%) 3/10

I hate to be negative, but man I did not like this story. The idea of a brother "punishing" his sister at the behest of his grandmother does not sit well with me at all. The usage of the word slut loses you points, Tore, sorry, and the whole idea is a little confused. Is grandma dead, or back alive? Is she alive in him? Is she a ghost, a zombie, an evil spirit? As I often do, I'll annoy you by saying how I would have seen it going. I would have had the narrator married, and then his wife starting to act mad like grandma, getting her/their son to punish her/their daughter, as he realises the whole cycle is beginning again. But it reads to me more as a story concerning evil, not madness. Also reminds me of King's story called, um, "Grandma". I do like the opening lines, where the narrator is writing a letter (you don't place the story in any time period, so given that I would say before the advent of the internet?), but then you introduce a character called Pip and don't tell us any more about him or her. It was well written, certainly, but it gave me a shiver, and not the sort I expect to get when reading stories of this nature. Who gets punished/killed? Kathy? Ramona? Both? And why is the narrator suddenly of the opinion that the punishment is justified? Has grandma taken him over? I'm confused and I really don't see it, sorry.

OVERALL RATING: 4.5


CRAZY PILLS (Mrs. Waffles)

GRAMMAR (20%): 10/10

FLOW (40%): 7/10

The STORY (40%) 4/10

I don't want to be overly harsh here, but I would counsel against writing yourself and your partner into the story. I thought the idea of panic and paranoia was dealt with well, and it's clear you know how to write, though for a 700-word maximum I would say there is a little too much description about makeup and stuff that could have been better used. The prose is very good, but the ending is flat. It says nothing and we're left (well, I am anyway) thinking "huh? What was that about?" Apart from anything else, pills that make you go crazy? Don't mind if I do! Sorry. No, the idea is laughable, but I really didn't like the ending and honestly, other than show the great bond between two people (which there's no problem with doing of course) it just comes across as a sort of soppy romance story with no real point. Sorry, sorry, have to call it as I see it. I havent' read any of your other stuff, but I would venture to say you're more comfortable writing personal, romance/adult stories rather than adventure/action ones?

OVERALL RATING: 5.5

SVELTE (SGR)

GRAMMAR (20%): 8/10

FLOW (40%): 8/10

The STORY (40%) 6/10

I would agree that this comes a close second for me, and like probably all of us I twigged fairly quickly the anorexia idea, but I would ask why all the archaic language used? Are we supposed to believe this is taking place in the nineteenth century? Because if not, words like calumny, chimerical, codswallop, and some of the run-on sentences - "sequestered in my lonely resplendence, the rancor of others is needless" - just read as too, um, wordy, especially if we're to assume this is a younger person? Teenager? Or is he just trying to make himself out to be more intelligent than his peers? Other than that, the prose is good and the flow is also fine, the building annoyance that others can't see what he sees, the contempt for the opinion of others and seeing everyone around him as fat, very clever. Don't get the ending though: what happened there?

OVERALL RATING: 7.0

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[Lexi Darling]

I will have my scores ready by mid-morning tomorrow. I wasn't exactly clear on the rating percentages, so should I just use the same format you two did?

A response to TH

No offense taken, thank you for your critique! I personally agree with your criticisms, I wasted too many words early on and had to rush to throw in some kind of "point". In addition to being so busy IRL that I had little editing time, I'm quite bad with paring down the details of my stories. My main genre is sensual romance, and I'll absolutely own my soppiness, I take that as a compliment, haha.

As for writing myself and my partner into the story, it's an easy way to come up with a basic scenario, though I concede if the reader doesn't know us I get why it might come off as a bit strange. I write a lot of stories with he and I as main characters, but I write them usually for our own private enjoyment. I will take your input to heart, thank you once again!

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[Trollheart]

I will have my scores ready by mid-morning tomorrow. I wasn't exactly clear on the rating percentages, so should I just use the same format you two did?

A response to TH

No offense taken, thank you for your critique! I personally agree with your criticisms, I wasted too many words early on and had to rush to throw in some kind of "point". In addition to being so busy IRL that I had little editing time, I'm quite bad with paring down the details of my stories. My main genre is sensual romance, and I'll absolutely own my soppiness, I take that as a compliment, haha.

As for writing myself and my partner into the story, it's an easy way to come up with a basic scenario, though I concede if the reader doesn't know us I get why it might come off as a bit strange. I write a lot of stories with he and I as main characters, but I write them usually for our own private enjoyment. I will take your input to heart, thank you once again!

[close]

Glad you didn't take offence. My main worry with using yourself is you're never likely either to put yourself or your partner in danger, much less kill either of you, so there's no real tension. Mind you, if you don't do those sort of stories then that's not a problem, but - though it's up to you - I would consider using even different names next time, even if you want them to be you. Just maybe don't make it as obvious. Also, if you keep using the two of you, unless it's a series or something, it gets boring and predictable. You could always try making yourself into some sort of animal character...

[Lexi Darling]

For sure, I was starting with that scenario because it's a familiar setting I write about often, but I will definitely be varying it up for future entries. Again I appreciate your input.

[Lexi Darling]

Okay, here are my scores. This is a bit embarrassing but I'm so bad at math that I wasn't sure how to calculate the formula for each different percentage of the score, so if it's alright I'll just give each a score out of ten.

scores

A Safe Place (Trollheart): 9/10
I really enjoyed this! Managed to get in a nice twist ending in 700 words, I'm impressed. I got a nice wide grin on my face when I realized what was happening, haha.

Do You Want to Go Again? (Robhr): 8/10
I appreciate the bleakness of this one, as someone who has been a drug addict it does illustrate how life-ruining they can be. I admit I wasn't quite sure of the context of the character's downward spiral, so while I do relate to the addiction element, it wasn't as easy to get inside the character's emotions. But that's just me, and 700 words is so little to create emotional weight. Still, I enjoyed this, especially the nice moment of levity at the end.

Lockdown (Guybrush): 6/10
This one certainly succeeded at being a bit disturbing and full of dread. I felt a bit confused at the narrative, it seemed a bit disjointed and I wasn't sure I really felt the weight of the abuse being described. The concept was fine, but I think a bit more could have been done with it.

Svelte (SGR): 8.5/10
I really enjoyed the use of language here! The big words really helped illustrate the character's frame of mind as they sneer down at others. You really get inside their head. My only criticism was that I wasn't quite clear on what happened at the end.

[close]

Some fun entries, thank you all!

[Rubber Soul]

And so we go to crown the winner of the March 2023 SCD writing competition. Drum roll please... 


robhr   



                   Rubbersoul        Trollheart       Ladysynth         Average

Robhr                 9.2                   9.8                     8                9.0

SGR                    8.8                   7.0                    8.5              8.1

Trollheart            7.5                   n/a                   9.0              7.8

Mrs. Waffles      7.0                  5.5                    n/a              6.3

Guybrush             6.5                  4.5                    6.0              5.7


Thanks to all who entered and thanks to our impeccable judges. And especially thanks to everyone who put up with my unexpected absence. Will start on getting May ready later this week (Figured we could go with the April themes if that is okay)

And congrats again, Rob

[SGR]

Congrats Rob! And great job to everyone else, this was fun 

[Trollheart]

Congrats to Robr (do you want to go again?  ) and also to SGR, coming in so late to almost take it there in the final furlong, a late runner. Well done you two, and well done to all who entered. Very different styles, but you can all be proud of your writing. Except me.

[Rubber Soul]

Congrats to Robr (do you want to go again?  ) and also to SGR, coming in so late to almost take it there in the final furlong, a late runner. Well done you two, and well done to all who entered. Very different styles, but you can all be proud of your writing. Except me.

How do you figure? Yes, I know you're capable of better and I know this because I've read your better pieces. But I've also seen you write worse. Anyway, this isn't the format where you're going to discover the next Crime and Punishment, is it?

I thought about writing about my own anxieties given my recent hospital experience (not all in all a bad one mind you) and the umpteen doctors' appointments I will have to go to in the near future starting with next week.

Basiclally for me, I read two very well written entries and another (yours) that in of itself held its own. While the other two need some work, especially yours, Tore, sorry.

But then again, You're talking to someone who needs to work on his craft himself. Anyway, don't beat yourselves up, certainly not over an obscure contest like this.

[Trollheart]

What do you think of the idea of letting the winner choose the theme for the next contest?

[Rubber Soul]

I'm open to that. At the writing forum, we also tried a rule where the winner would have to be one of the judges the next contest but that didn't work out too well. Letting the winner pick the next theme would be a reward of sorts and it would give us a glimpse of what the writer was into.


I also like the idea of rob maybe coming up with at least three themes and we could put it to a vote thus, we'd also have group participation. Either idea work with anyone else here?

[Trollheart]

Let's place a caveat on that. It'll cover that nasty stain. I really should be more careful.

The winner CAN choose the theme, but is not REQUIRED to. So if they don't want to, haven't the time or can't think of anything, they don't have to. It's just an option they can exercise if they wish. Does that sound fair?