Trollheart's Chart Fifty

[Trollheart]

I'm having so much fun with this on MB I'm gonna do it here too. For those who don't know, what I do is take a random hit from the current chart (top 40) and then listen to and write a little about it. I then go back in time fifty years, in ten year chunks - so 2023/2013/2003/1993/1983/1973 - and check out what was at that spot in each of those years, around the same time. I then write about those too. I also then come back and do the number one for this week (or some week in this current year) and go fifty years back on that to see how different the chart was then.

Anyway, my RNG has given me the number 5, so what is currently, as I write, at number five? N.B. these are the official UK charts only. This one: https://www.officialcharts.com/charts/singles-chart/

So let's go.



Title: "Messy in Heaven"
Artist: Venbee and Goddard
Nationality: English
Genre: Drum and Bass
Written by: Andrew Goddard, Dan Fable, Erin Doyle, Matteo Cinti
Original release date: September 23 2022
Highest chart position (at time of writing): 3
Chart position (at time of writing): 5
Status (at time of writing): Falling
Chart Progress: Entered the top forty at number 38 on October 13, moved to number 14 the next week, held steady there for another week, then on what would have been its fourth week inside the top 40 it scraped the top 10, reaching the number 11 spot on November 10. The following week it entered the top 10 at number 9, climbing to 5 the next week and holding there for two, before reaching its highest point, number 3 on December 8. The following week it fell to 8, then 10, until exiting the top 40 on Dec 29. It then fell to 65 the following week but inexplicably, to me anyway, had a sudden resurgence as the new year hit and on January 12 it shot back to the number 3 slot, since when it has been falling, back to 5 last week and remaining there this week (at time of writing; January 23.
From the album: N/A
What do I know about this artist? Nothing at all.
What do I think of this single? Meh, it's all right I suppose. Stupid autotune again, and it's very repetitive. Wouldn't be my thing now at all. Doubt I'd be bothered listening to it again. Would I turn it off if I heard it again? You know, I just might. It's not terrible, mind, but it's nothing that makes me want to hear it a second time.
What have I learned about this single? Apparently written by Venbee, who I assume is the Erin Doyle in the credits above, since she's the only woman, about a dream she had in which Jesus was walking down the streets drunk or high or maybe both. Sounds like it might have been controversial, but it doesn't say that it was. A drum and bass track, which isn't great for me, but the song did well in the UK, even topping the dance charts and getting to number 3 in the regular ones. Venbee says it's to be seen as an anti-drug anthem. Okay. The Goddard in the credits is Andrew Goddard, a music producer, so it's sort of a collaboration between them. And two other people, neither of whom I know anything about.
My rating: B

[Trollheart]

Going back ten years then to 2013, at number five we find this.



Title: "Drinking from the Bottle"
Artist: Calvin Harris feat. Tinie Tempah
Nationality: Scottish/English
Genre: Hip House (?)
Written by: Calvin Harris, Patrick Okogwu, James F. Reynolds, Mark Knight
Original release date: January 27 2013
Highest chart position (at time of writing): 5
Chart position (at time of writing): 5
Status at time of writing: Static
Chart Progress: Entered the top 40 on Jan 12 at 15, jumped to 5 the next week then spent the next three bouncing from 6 back to 5 and then back to 6 before beginning its slow descent on Feb 16, falling to 7 and then over the next eight weeks sliding slowly from 8 to 15 to 20 and then 26 to 28, 33; slight bounce for some reason on April 6 when it clawed its way back to 30 before falling again, this time to 35, and then finally exiting on April 20 as it hit number 43.
From the album: 18 Months
What do I know about this artist? Harris: Just the little I've heard about him being a DJ and producer and having hits with various people as well as on his own. Tempah: know the name; was not even sure if they were male or female. They're male, apparently.
What do I think of this single? You know, I really expected to hate it, and I don't. It's got a lot of energy, a lot of that kind of fuck-the-world-let's-have-fun vibe, a live for today kind of thing, and the music from Harris is pumping and resonating. The rap is good (what does he know about rap, you say, and you're right) and overall I'm pretty impressed. I'd listen to it again.
What have I learned about this single? Most of the information centres around its video, which reportedly had a lot of "bad stuff" in it - scantily-clad women, boozing, drugs, conversations with the Devil - you know, the usual thing, and came with a Parental Advisory, which no doubt helped its sales no end. When will they learn? The more you ban something or say it's bad, the more people want it.
My rating: A

[Trollheart]

So back to 2003 we go, as we prepare to greet again the tail-end of the twentieth century. But not quite yet. What was at number 5 twenty years ago? Glad you asked.


Title: "The Way (Put Your Hand in My Hand)"
Artist: Divine Inspiration
Nationality: English
Genre: Dance/Electronica/Pop
Written by: Lee Robinson, Paul Crawley, Dave Lewin, Sarah-Jane Scott
Original release date: January 6 2003
Highest chart position (at time of writing): 5
Chart position (at time of writing): 5
Status at time of writing: Static
Chart Progress: Entered at number 5 on January 18 and quickly slid down the chart, going from 14 to 15 to 23 to 28 over the next four weeks, exiting the top forty the following week.
From the album: N/A
What do I know about this artist? Nuffin
What do I think of this single? It's pretty okay really. Standard uptempo dancey electronic thingy, maybe like, I don't know, Steps maybe? Not that familiar with this genre, whatever it is. Pleasant enough. Nothing ground-breaking, but good no doubt to dance to and nice to listen to. Not bad at all.
What have I learned about this single? Nothing really.
My rating: A

[Trollheart]

That takes us back to the twentieth century, as we check out the number five single in the charts during January in 1993. It was this.

Title: "Heal the World"
Artist: Michael Jackson
Nationality: American
Genre: Pop Ballad
Written by: Michael Jackson
Original release date: November 23 1992
Highest chart position (at time of writing): 2
Chart position (at time of writing): 5
Status at time of writing: Descending
Chart Progress: Entered at number 3 on December 5 and quickly rose to number 2 the following week, where it remained for five weeks before dropping to number 5 on January 16. After this it began a pretty rapid drop, falling to 12 the next week, then 28 and then 38, and finally falling out of the top forty just before Valentine's Day.
From the album: Dangerous
What do I know about this artist? Never 'eard of 'im mate!
What do I think of this single? Yeah it's a very touching ballad without I think too much sugar or empty sentiment. It hangs tight onto the coat-tails of "We Are the World", certainly, as noted below, but so what? A worthy goal indeed, to heal the world. Not sure it can be accomplished with a bit of sticking plaster though.
What have I learned about this single? Notwithstanding the charges against him of interfering with children (which he was cleared of, but you know, mud sticks and all that) and not particularly wishing to denigrate his memory, it must be allowed that Jackson donated this song to the James Bulger Trust, in honour of the poor little kid tortured and killed by those animals who called themselves children, and he also set up the Heal the World Foundation to help children worldwide. Now, there could be ulterior motives behind that, I'm not saying there weren't, but it was still a decent thing to do, and I imagine many children have had a better chance of a decent life thanks to that foundation. Reviews were mixed, with many critics pointing to its similarity to his answer to Band Aid's "Do They Know it's Christmas?", the USA for Africa let's-jump-on-this-bandwagon-before-someone-asks-why-we-didn't, "We Are the World", and you can hear it, sure, but it's hard to deny the simple and honest - and, one would have to assume, heartfelt and sincere - message in the song. There's nothing wrong with music that tries to change the world for the better. Just a pity this wasn't seen as his legacy after he passed on, with other, less salubrious elements of his character displacing it.
My rating: A++

[Trollheart]

Yellow warning bar with red writing noted, SCD system. It has indeed been more than 120 days since a reply was posted in this thread. Much more. In fact, let's see... 440 days, or in other words, over a year later, we return to the charts as viewed through my RNG and we're at
Ten years prior, and January 1983.

Title: "Too Shy"
Artist: Kajagoogoo
Nationality: English
Genre: Pop
Written by: Steve Askew, Nick Beggs, Stuart Neale, Jez Strode, Christopher Hamill
Original release date: January 1993
Highest chart position (at time of writing): 1
Chart position (at time of writing): 5
Status at time of writing: Rising
Chart Progress: Entered the top 40 at 38 at the end of January, swiftly rose to number 10 the next week, then 5 (which is where we are at this point) and on to 2 the following week, to number one where it remained for two weeks. After that it was a slow fall, from 3 to 6 to 14 to 29, until it finally left the top forty in April.
From the album: White Feathers
What do I know about this artist? Not much until I wrote about them in Trollheart's Music Detective Agency to be honest. Now I know more than I ever wanted to.
What do I think of this single? It's bland, pointless pop from a band who couldn't even be bothered to think up a proper name for their band and instead took the sound babies make. Yeah. Success came too soon and spoiled them. Can you see my tears?
What have I learned about this single? Again, it's all in that thread, though I do point out that Duran Duran's Nick Rhodes helped get Kajagoogoo their recording contract, produced this song and their album, and although it doesn't say it, I wouldn't be surprised if he had a hand writing the single too.
My rating: A

[Trollheart]

And back, finally, to 1973, to find out what was at number 5 in January of that year? Ah Jaysus! It's Bowie!

Title: "The Jean Genie"
Artist: David Bowie
Nationality: English
Genre: Glam Rock
Written by: David Bowie
Original release date: November 24 1972
Highest chart position (at time of writing): 2
Chart position (at time of writing): 5
Status at time of writing: Falling
Chart Progress: Not as meteoric or impressive as you might think. Entered the top forty at 33 at the beginning of December 1972, made some small gains the next week, getting to 31 but then by the day before Christmas Eve had moved into the top twenty, taking the number 16 spot which it held over Christmas. In the first days of the new year it moved to the number 4 spot and thence to its highest position of number 2 the following week. A relatively slow decline then over seven weeks as it fell to 3, a position it held for two weeks, then 5, 13, 28 and finally leaving the top forty at the beginning of March.
From the album: Aladdin Sane
What do I know about this artist? Duh
What do I think of this single? Double duh
What have I learned about this single? That it began as a sort of jam during the Ziggy Stardust tour, and that Bowie sort of confirmed the title refers to Jean Genet, French author, playwright and political activist. Oh, and it's about Iggy. Sort of.
My rating: A+++

[Trollheart]

New section then. Here, instead of choosing a random positional number from the chart, I want to look at what is currently (at the time the article was originally written, which right now means I'm a year behind, so as a good friend of mine used to say, suck it) at number

And then of course we start going back ten years at a time to see what was at the top then.

So, despite the fact that we're talking now about 2023, let's go.
And what indeed was at the top around this time*, let's say January 6* or thereabouts? Well, that's only two months ago* so it was this.

Title: "Escapism"
Artist: Raye featuring 070 Shake
Nationality: English/American
Genre: R&B, electropop, Hip-hop
Written by: Rachel Keen, Mike Sabath, Danielle Balbuena
Original release date: October 12 2022
Progress to the top: A slow rise, and a slow fall.  Entered at 31 beginning of December, then jumped to 6 the next week, then to 2 the week after that but oddly then fell to 3 the following week, to 6 the week after that and to 13 but then even more weirdly stormed back to number one on January 12. Spent one week at the top but then six consecutive ones at number 2 before falling to number 10 March 6 with a steady decline each week. It currently* rests at number 18.
Weeks spent at number one: 1
From the album: My 21st Century Blues
What do I know about this artist? Not a thing. I didn't even know if they were male or female. (They're female)
What do I think of this single? Meh it's all right. I'm no fan of R&B (quelle surprise!) and the way she sings is that kind of slurry, moody, sulky sort of thing I really don't like. Lyrically, it's basically "Back to Black", innit? Another song about someone feeling sorry for themselves. You know, I listened to the Eagles (shut up) earlier and they had good advice: get over it.
What have I learned about this single? Went viral on TikTok and became her first number one single in the UK. Again I ask, what is so great about it? Don't answer that; I don't care.
My rating: B+

* At, let me repeat, time of writing. Send your death threats to someone who cares.

[Trollheart]

Going back ten years we have an X-Factor finalist at number one. How very 2010's of you.
Oh, and it's a cover.

Title: "Impossible"
Artist: James Arthur
Nationality: English
Genre: Pop
Written by: Arnthor Birgisson, Ina Wroldsen
Original release date: December 9 2012
Progress to the top: A strange one indeed. Came right in at number one two days before Christmas, slipped to number 2 over Christmas week then recovered to take and hold the top spot for two more weeks, before beginning a very slow descent out of the top twenty over two months, the top thirty in one week and the top forty in three, exiting at the end of March.
Weeks spent at number one: 3 (non-consecutive)
From the album: James Arthur
What do I know about this artist? Not a thing. I've heard his name, but that's it. Now I know he was a winner of the X-Factor. Lord help me.
What do I think of this single? I can't compare this to the original as I don't know it, and no I'm not going to listen to it. I just don't care. So I'm going to have to judge this on its own merits, if it has them. An overwrought ballad from the sound of it. Again I say meh, it's okay but it ain't nothin' special and I assume the reason it got to number one has a lot to do with something that begins with the twenty-third letter of the alphabet.
What have I learned about this single? It's a cover, and a recent one too: apparently did well for Shontelle (whomever she may be) in 2010, so it's not like he went for one of the classics or anything. Possibly gambling on the song still being well-known and riding on its recent popularity? In fairness, all proceeds - okay, some proceeds - from the sales of the single went to a deserving charity (is there an undeserving one? You know what I mean: kids and all that) so that's something to praise. It is, apparently, the biggest-selling single by an X-Factor winner. It says here.
My rating: A

[Trollheart]

Our last stop in this century on our journey back, then, takes us to 2003. Two years after the Towers fell, two years after the world had changed forever, and thirteen years from the horror of a Donald Trump presidency, what were record-buyers pushing to the top?

Title: "Sound of the Underground"
Artist: Girls Aloud
Nationality: English/Irish
Genre: Pop
Written by: Miranda Cooper. Niara Scarlett, Brian Higgins
Original release date: December 16 2002
Progress to the top: Straight in at number one just days after Christmas and held the top spot for four weeks, so into the new year, after which it slid to number 3 then 5 then 9 over three weeks, exiting the top ten in the middle of February. It then clung on by its fingernails to the edge of the top twenty for two weeks, remaining at number 19, after which it slipped further each subsequent week until almost exactly three months after it had taken the top spot it fell out of the top forty.
Weeks spent at number one: 4
From the album: Sound of the Underground
What do I know about this artist? I know they were another one who came up through the ranks of reality TV popstar shows, these via Popstars: The Rivals. I also know one of them died young, tragically falling prey to breast cancer and passing away in 2021 at the tender age of 39. It says the remaining members all did charity work, which is good.
What do I think of this single? I was surprised when I heard it first, as it's kind of more something I might associate with maybe "Footloose" or something like that, not your standard pop or disco style song. A lot more guitar in it and it has a real sharp punchy beat.
What have I learned about this single? It had been around for over a year before Girls Aloud recorded it, and had originally been intended as the comeback single for Samantha Mumba. Credited with reshaping British pop music for the 2000s, so I'm told.
My rating: A

[Trollheart]

So it;s off to the twentieth century, to a time before Y2K and Al Quaeda, before the bloody X-Factor and before the US had its first black president. Welcome to 1993, and the top of the chart.



Title: "I Will Always Love You"
Artist: Whitney Houston
Nationality: American
Genre: R&B
Written by: Dolly Parton
Original release date: November 3 1992
Progress to the top: Came in at number 12 in the middle of November and swiftly moved to 4 and then 2 the following weeks before hitting the number one  spot December 5 and maintaining that position for a staggering ten weeks (!), making it not only the Christmas number one but the new year one as well. Its fall was then quite slow, moving to number 2 on February 13 and taking a full two months to exit the top forty, which it did at the beginning of April.
Weeks spent at number one: 10
From the album: The Bodyguard: OST
What do I know about this artist? Eh, yeah, right.
What do I think of this single? I bloody hate it! Dolly's version was soft, gentle, yet still with aching passion. Whitney decided what it needed was a Mariah Careyesque bombast, a big wailing howl at the end and a huge production. Ruined the fucking thing. Bitch. And yes I realise I'm in the minority here. It's a place I'm very familiar with, and comfortable too.
What have I learned about this single? That Houston had originally intended to record "What Becomes of the Brokenhearted" but when it was used for another film Kevin Costner (her co-star in the movie) played her Linda Ronstadt's version and she decided to re-record it. When Dolly Parton heard she was doing this, she contacted producer David "Digital Piano Ballad" Foster to offer him the last verse of the song, which was not in the Ronstadt version.
My rating: A -

[Trollheart]

If there's one thing the early 1980s were known for, it's novelty songs. And this is about as novelty as it gets. Still got to number one though. Makes you wonder...

Title: "Save Your Love"
Artist: Renee and Renato
Nationality: English
Genre: Pop
Written by: Johnny Edward, Sue Edward
Original release date: October 1982
Progress to the top: Slow enough. Entered the top 40 on November 13 and took five weeks to get to the number one spot, just in time for Christmas, successfully holding off Phil Collins' cover of "You Can't Hurry Love" until the new year. On January 15 it slipped to number 3 as Phil took its place, and then within another four weeks it was gone.
Weeks spent at number one: 4
From the album: Just One...
What do I know about this artist? I know he wasn't Italian. Well, he was, but living in the UK and Renata was in reality Hilary Lester, the two brought together in what might possibly have been the first pre-packaged pop group by songwriter Johnny Edward, who had seen Renato on the talent show New Faces in the 1970s.
What do I think of this single? it's a bit of a joke but it could be worse. Very over-the-top-trying-to-make-it-sound-as-Italian-as-possible.
What have I learned about this single?Pretty much a novelty song, it nevertheless held the top slot for a month, and though Renato still recorded until his death in 2009, Renee sodded back off to her own life and the title of their album was indeed a prediction that came true.

My rating: A-

[Trollheart]

And finally, rather like Sam Tyler, back in 1973.
Oh dear god no! No! NOOOOOOO! 1970s, how could you?

Title: "Long-haired Lover from Liverpool"
Artist: Little Jimmy Osmond
Nationality: American
Genre: Pop
Written by: Christopher Kingsley
Original release date: March 25 1972
Progress to the top: Entered the top 40 December 2, climbed rapidly in three weeks to the number one spot, which it held over Christmas and the new year, for five weeks total. After that it slowly fell out of the top forty, fourteen fucking weeks before it finally slipped out at the end of April.
Weeks spent at number one: 5
From the album: Killer Joe
What do I know about this artist? That he should have been aborted at birth
What do I think of this single? Absolutely hate it with every fibre of my being. I mean, what the fuck was wrong with people?? A song which is essentially about a nine-year-old kid seducing an adult American woman and they didn't think there was anything wrong with that? Can you imagine this happening today? It would be basically seen as encouraging pedophiles! He was nine years old AND a cocky little cunt into the bargain. Jesus on a surfboard rounding the rings of Saturn! Oh seventies, you were a great time for music but sometimes your head was just firmly planted up your arse. Should be on one of those unexplained mysteries shows how this was ever a hit. And his MOTHER agreed with it! Fucking Mormons!
What have I learned about this single? That if it hadn't been for fucking Osmond-mania sweeping the UK this could never have happened.
My rating: C, lower if I could. I refuse to taint this thread with a video. Fuck this. What a horrible way to end this section. I need a shower.

[Trollheart]

Though it was over 5 months ago now, the sour taste of Little Jimmy Osmond is still in my mouth, so let's try to wash it out by returning to, well, now it's 2024, almost 2025, and I wanted to start with the current chart, so we have to move two years on, and next month three, but for now we'll return to this year, and roll the dice to see where we end up.

Well it's right at the arse-end of the chart, if you'll excuse my Irish. We end up at number 39.

So what is there this week? Let's see. Well, rather annoyingly, but perhaps not surprisingly, given the season that's in it, more than half the chart is stuffed with fucking Christmas songs! And of course, it's one of those that's clinging on like a limpet at the very edge of the top 40, and which we must then pick. Gaahh! Where's the Grinch when you need him?


Stick this in your stocking!


Title: "Christmas Magic"
Artist: Laufey
Nationality: Icelandic
Genre: Jazz/Pop/Easy Listening/Holiday Music
Written by:  Laufey/Spencer Stuart
Original release date: Dec 1 2024
Highest chart position (at time of writing): 39
Chart position (at time of writing): 39
Status at time of writing: Rising
Chart Progress: Entered the chart at no. 67 last week
From the album: Red One OST
What do I know about this artist? Nothing
What have I learned about this artist? That she's from Iceland and is of Chinese extraction, writes her own songs so far as I can see, for the most part at least, was a finalist on two bloody talent shows, and was a cellist in the Iceland Symphony Orchestra at 15, which is at least something.
What do I think of this single? It's a fucking Christmas song, it's jazzy, it sounds like a bit of a rip-off of "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year". What can I say? I fucking hate it. Grinch me, boys. At least I had only to suffer a minute of it, as that, apparently, is all YouTube think a human stomach can stand. They're right: it's sixty seconds too long actually. Is there a reason why perfectly sensible people write drivel like this around Christmas? Oh yeah of course there is: money.
What have I learned about this single? That it's from a Christmas movie that looks like it would make me gouge out my own eyes before watching it; starring some of my least favourite people, including Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Chris Evans and Lucy Liu.
My rating: C. Merry fucking Christmas!

[Trollheart]

Let's hopefully take a few steps away from Christmas songs and head back into the past, ten years back, to 2014, and see what was at number 39 around this time then.


Title: "Superheroes"
Artist: The Script
Nationality: Irish
Genre: Pop
Written by: Danny O'Donoghue/Mark Sheehan/James Barry
Original release date: July 22 2014
Highest chart position (at time of writing): 3
Chart position (at time of writing): 39
Status at time of writing: Falling
Chart Progress: From what I can gather, it looks to have come in at No. 3 on Sept 13, spent one week there and then slid down the top 10 over 2 weeks and then taken a further 8 weeks to exit the top 30. Two weeks after that it had left the top 40.
From the album: No Sound Without Silence
What do I know about this artist? I've heard some of their albums
What have I learned about this artist? N/A
What do I think of this single? Thought it would be a ballad, as it started on piano, but then burst into a fairly exuberant uptempo pop song. Interesting military-style drumming, and it's definitely catchy, with a sort of half-rap in the chorus. It's okay; wouldn't make me a fan of the band (I'm not one at the moment) but it's not bad.
What have I learned about this single? That it's dedicated to the "unsung heroes". Nice.
My rating: 5/10

[Trollheart]

And back another 10 years, which takes us to 2004, a time when we realised we were stuck with a second term of the Bush presidency. What was just hanging onto the edges of the top 40 back then? This.

Title: "Flashdance"
Artist: Deep Dish
Nationality: Iranian-American
Genre: Dance
Written by: Shandi Sinnamon/Ronald Magness
Original release date: July 4 2004
Highest chart position (at time of writing): 3
Chart position (at time of writing): 39
Status at time of writing: Falling
Chart Progress: Pretty spectacular. Came in at no. 90 on Sept 25. By the next week it had jumped all the way to no. 3, where it remained for one week before taking three more weeks to fall out of the top 10, three to fall out of the top 30 and four to exit the top 40, just before Christmas.
From the album: George is On
What do I know about this artist? Nothing; thought it was a type of pizza
What have I learned about this artist? That they're a duo, basically record producers who specialise in remixing and re-recording hit songs.
What do I think of this single? Well I thought it was going to be a cover of "Flashdance(What a Feeling!)" by Irene Cara. Turns out it's not. It's from that movie all right, but another song called "He's a Dream." Don't think I know that one. No, I don't. It's all right I guess if you're into that sort of thing. Not really for me. Very dancy, bouncy, very techno or whatever. Meh.
What have I learned about this single? Nothing really
My rating: 5/10