Malfunctioning Eddie's Bargain Basement

[Trollheart]

Hi there! I'm Malfunctioning Eddie and boy have I a bargain for you! I just took delivery of over TEN YEARS worth of Trollheart music reviews, and I am offering the very worst of these at prices so low you'll think I'm, well, malfunctioning!
Which I am!

Sorry about that: always happens when I get excited.
Anyway, as I was saying, here at Malfunctioning Eddie's Bargain Basement we've selected the very worst albums Trollheart has reviewed in his decade-plus time writing, and let me tell you, some of these are bad enough to rust your circuits and have you immediately call Technical Support! Let's see what we got... oh yeah. How about this one to start off?

[Trollheart]

Disclaimer: Here at Malfunctioning Eddie's we have only purchased the rights to reprint these reviews, not alter them in any way, so they are presented here exactly as they were written, with odd fonts, colours if included and possible incorrect capitalisation, or the lack of it. Don't blame me: it's in the contract!


Back home --- Westlife --- 2007 (Sony BMG)

Author's note: written originally as part of the exploration of boybands under the heading of Stranger in a Strange Land, posted over a number of months during the latter half of 2012 in The Playlist of Life.


In 2007, they [Westlife] released their ninth album --- seventh proper, discounting "Allow us to be Frank" and "The Love album", which were both covers --- and it of course went directly to the number one spot, yielding them yet another three hit singles, however no number ones this time. Hmm. Was the Westlife ship beginning to let in water? The album's certainly shorter than the others we've reviewed up to now, a mere twelve tracks. Let's give it a listen. Yes, we have to...

It starts off with another ballad, and indeed another cover, Michael Buble's "Home", and is notable for this time having no writing credits for the remaining band members. This indeed seems to have been the case since McFadden's departure, and you would perhaps be forgiven for thinking this was because he was the main songwriter in the band, but Egan and Filan also wrote, as we have seen, on "World of our own", so perhaps the change in label, with Sony taking over Cowell's BMG label, had something to do with it? Or perhaps not. Whatever, seems it would stay that way until their last album, with only Mark Feehily contributing to the one track on the penultimate album apart from that.

Another ballad follows, the second single, "Us against the world" sold well for them but did not go to number one, then the third single (what imagination, eh?) is a bit more uptempo and dancy, but "Something right" hasn't a lot about it, and it's not that surprising that it did badly for them. Pretty cringe-inducing is the next ballad, "I'm already there", not released as a single but due to excessive downloads somehow made it into the singles charts... Nice orchestral arrangements, but it's tearjerking at its worst really. Still, it's better than "When I'm with you", with its annoying handclap beat and yowling keyboards...

The almost acapella opening to "Have you ever" is interesting, but it quickly settles down into yet another piano ballad, with a certain feel of those old motown love songs from the seventies, and piano follows piano for "It's you", which again sounds quite familiar. Where have I heard that tune before? Robbie Williams? "She's the one"? Yeah, that's it: almost ripped the piano melody off verbatim, guys. Nice bit of guitar for a change opening "Catch my breath", and it actually gets a little harder as the song nears its end: this isn't too bad, at least it's different. Which is not something I can say about the throwaway dancer "The easy way", whose title really says all you need to know about the song. Decent uppy brass all right. Some nice acoustic guitar in "I do" (yeah, another ballad) but mostly I amuse myself listening to how the two interchanging male vocals, talking essentially about marrying, almost seem to be talking to each other. Gay, or what? Sorry guys, it's just so funny how that ends up sounding.

And I'm bored.

Oh well, two tracks left to go. I have to say, ballads apart --- and really they seem to form about eighty percent of Westlife's material, at least from what I've reviewed --- I'm finding very little to like about this boyband, whereas before I almost warmed to the likes of Take That and even Boyzone, but these guys just seem so plastic. Haven't heard such an obvious case of "staying in it for the money" since Nsync. Anyway, "Pictures in my head" is a little better than I had expected, a sort of uptempo ballad with a slight rocky edge, then the album closes on "You must have had a broken heart", another basic ballad. Yeah, nothing's leaping out at me as a sudden change or improvement, on the same lines as Take That's "Beautiful world" or Boyzone's "Brother". Still don't like these guys.

TRACKLISTING

1. Home
2. Us against the world
3. Something right
4. I'm already there
5. When I'm with you
6. Have you ever
7. It's you
8. Catch my breath
9. The easy way
10. I do
11. Pictures in my head
12. You must have had a broken heart

[fire]

Did you continue your boy bands thread at music banter? It was very interesting to read. And I was waiting for your next band boyzone.

[Trollheart]

I did. I ended up doing, let's see... Take That, Boyzone, Westlife, Nsync, NKOTB, The Wanted and I think JLS? I wrote it originally in my journal, which is now more or less defunct, but I will finish or at least continue the thread I began in the pop sub-forum on MB so you can read it. Glad you were enjoying it anyway.

[fire]

Thanks 😊
You have another thread that I like with pop albums. You should continue. I am not saying everyday but at least once a month update your threads.

[Trollheart]

Ok the first two albums are up now. I'm always happy to keep updating something that someone is actually reading and enjoying, so what's the other pop thread and I'll look at that?

[fire]

Trollheart does Pop!
Rec pop albums.

[fire]

You have one on music banter and here as well.

[Trollheart]

OK well that's something I only started recently, and I'm buried in accounts about the Menendez Brothers, Walt Disney and Vampires at the moment, to say nothing of Yes and King Crimson, so I will get back to that, but it may be a while.

[fire]

You don't need to do it right now.
When you have time.

[fire]

I don't understand how you have time for all your projects  you are everywhere.

[Trollheart]

You're speaking to Trollheart Clone # 4,156. Oh, didn't you know?

[Trollheart]

Posted October 25 2013 in the Playlist of Life, as part of Metal Month

Iowa --- Slipknot --- 2001 (Roadrunner)

In the wake of the not-so-dearly departed and never missed PowerPunisher, I suppose it would be remiss of me to leave out his favourite band. This is something I'm looking forward to about as much as I relished the prospect of reviewing Slayer for my "Classic albums" journal. Sure, I have preconceived notions of what Slipknot will sound like, and I could be terribly wrong, but general opinion here seems to indicate I'm thinking in the right direction. This is supposed to be one of their most successful albums, the followup to their self-titled debut which apparently made their name.

Hold on: someone running a drill outside? JCB? Oh no wait: it's the opening track which sounds like, well, just noise. Someone's screaming and growling but I have no clue what they're saying, then it goes into the second track and it's more growling and impossibly fast guitar and thunderhammer drumming. Hmm. Apparently this is called "People=shit". Perhaps it should be renamed "Slipknot=shit." Or is that being unfair? To shit, that is. This is without doubt the worst music I've ever heard. It makes Slayer sound melodic and Morbid Angel relaxing. There's no tone, no melody, no structure, just, well, unfettered noise. This is certainly going to be fun.

You have to admire the beauty of the composition here though: "People equals shit, people equals shit, roarrrr, roarrr, growlllll, people equals shit!" Inspired. I bet Steve Harris and David De Feis are quaking. Okay, okay! Let's try to do this properly. Straight face. Serious face. Ah but come on! "Disasterpiece" sounds so much like the previous track that I didn't even realise we'd moved on to another, uh, song. Oh hold on: shock! I can make out some words here and the vocalist actually comes down from his black tower to sing in a normal fashion for about twenty seconds, then he's off ranting and spitting venom again.

Okay, on "My plague" he's doing some passably decent singing again, though still descending into the screams and growls he seems to be fondest of. WTF? Vocal harmonies? Did someone splice this album with ---? No, it seems to be there intentionally. Mucho weird. Okay, what's this guy's name? Corey Taylor. Right. But he and his buddies prefer to be referred to as numbers for some odd reason. He's #8. Well I can see why Slipknot are praised for power, energy, anger and visceral emotion, but among all of that there has to be some music too, and I find very little here. "Everything ends" has a quite decent vocal, again for a few seconds before Taylor explodes again. Wearing a bit thin now, and it wasn't that solid to begin with.

My biggest fear is listening to the closer, as I see it's -- gulp! --- fifteen minutes long! Not sure how that's going to play out, but I doubt it'll be pleasant. Strange that there's actually some melody in this current track, I suppose this is how it and "My plague" managed to garner nominations for Grammys. Maybe. From what I can see from the admittedly little I can pick up from the lyrics, I guess angry, angsty teenagers idenitfied with Slipknot so much because their music seems to contain elements of blaming everyone else for the shit that happens to them. Go, teenagers! It's never your fault, is it?

Sort of a supercharged rap vocal for "The heretic anthem", as Slipknot try to jump on the black metal bandwagon, rather unsuccessfully I think, though I guess they could share a stage with Venom and nobody would know the difference really. I'm tempted to step through the album but I've promised myself that no matter how bad I find the music to be I will listen to the whole thing. This is the first time that resolve has been sorely tested. I've listened to growlers, screamers, spitters and snarlers, but this is pushing me. So where are we now? "Gently". "Gently"? Did I read that right?

Well for once it's slower, with a doomy bass and drumbeat, whispered, sotto voce vocal but I can hear the guitar getting ready to slash into ... hey. This guy can play when he wants to. Name? Either Jim Root or Mick Thomson, numbers four and seven respectively. Taylor's still vomiting all over the microphone like a demented dying beast, but I'm beginning to wonder is this what passes for an instrumental for Slip --- ah. No. Here's a vocal. But again I'm surprised as it's a decent one, for a few seconds again before Taylor growls and screams his usual vitriol. Guess they stayed "gentle" for as long as they could stand it: the final minute or so is a punch-your-face-in-and-gouge-your-eyes-out guitar hammerblow and screamed vocal. Ah, so we're back on track then!

"Left behind" has a decent guitar opening, almost proper metal, and to be fair the vocal is clear and understandable for the most part. It even has some melody! Normal service is however resumed with "The shape", with the first words screamed being "Destroy!" Where do they get their lyrical ideas from? Pure genius! To be fair, there's a decent vocal here too at times, and the guitarists throw in some fine licks and Taylor does a passable rap in which you can actually understand him for the most part. The charming love song "I am hated" is next, with gentle piano and acoustic guitar, and a full orches --- nah, just kidding. It's a fast, frenetic, confused piece with one of the fastest vocal deliveries I've ever heard, also one of the least decipherable.

Almost an arabic style intro to "Skin ticket", then it slows down into a cruncher heavier than a piece of a neutron star. Backed by only percussion Taylor sings in an almost restrained way, then as bass and guitar cut in his voice gets rawer, rougher and, well, more insane. There are times --- few it's admitted, but they're there --- when his vocal performance reminds me of a slightly more unhinged and less talented Matt Johnson. The anger is certainly there, but whereas with The The Johnson is able to control and direct his anger, through sharp comments and stinging observations on the human condition, Taylor seems to just rage at everything around him, like a child lashing out at a world he doesn't understand. Of course, it's hard to be sure, as most of the time I can't make out what the hell he's singing, but that's the impression I get.

"New abortion" sounds like it should have been killed at birth, then "Metabolic" is pretty br00tal too. And now we're on to that final track, the fifteen-minute title closer. Well it opens with nice wind sounds and picked guitar, restrained percussion and sounds like laughter perhaps in the distance. Nice bassline running through it. Then we get that familiar growl and the guitars get a bit tougher, the percussion kicking in a little more but the vocal when it comes in is not too bad I have to say. So far. You know, for Slipknot this is pretty, well, ambient. I'm surprised. A little impressed if I'm honest. It is generally the same melody all the way through, but any melody at all in a Slipknot song is to be commended.

Okay, well I guess Taylor couldn't contain his anger for fifteen minutes and he has to let rip with a roar or a growl halfway through, but generally the vocals here seem to be sort of ad-libbed, like people just talking to each other and exchanging comments. The basic melody persists right through the song to the end, and well, you know, it's not terrible. Certainly an album that needed something decent to close it, and this is about as decent I think as you're likely to get.

TRACKLISTING

1. (515) (intro)
2. People=shit
3. Disasterpiece
4. My plague
5. Everything ends
6. The Heretic anthem
7. Gently
8. Left behind
9. The shape
10. I am hated
11. Skin ticket
12. New abortion
13. Metabolic
14. Iowa

Although this was not always as horrible as I had thought it would be it did not fall too short of that. I fail to understand how a band (and I use the term loosely) like this can attain worldwide fame and adulation? There are guys bashing out tunes in their parents' garages that are more talented than this. Then again, in fairness it seems that when they want to play properly Slipknot can, just most of the time they seem to be happy just to make noise. And apparently a lot of people like that. Nah, I'll never get it. If I want someone to roar abuse at me I'll go see a dominatrix. Not that I would do such a thing, of course...


Conclusion: Slipknot = too br00tal for me!

[Trollheart]

"XXX = YAWN"



XXX - Asia - 2012 (Frontiers)

Those who know me will know I'm a huge fan of Asia. Although I didn't think their debut was that great, I did like it and the followup Alpha really spoke to me. I do find myself mostly falling into the John Payne camp however, which might possibly explain my disappointment with this album, except that I really loved Phoenix, which was John Wetton's return after nearly twenty years, and I thought Omega was all right, though no triumph. I also, as I say, liked the early albums with Wetton. Up to now though, I've never bought an Asia album I didn't like, or come to like pretty quickly. Even the dubious Silent Nation, which I took some time getting into, is now firmly ensconced as a proper Asia album with me.

But this is a massive let down.

I know what it is, and I will be going into boringly detailed explanation and opinion through this review, but it's something I never expected to say of an Asia album. The main thing that really burns me about this, Asia's fifteenth overall, third with the reformed original lineup and the album that marks thirty years of Asia, hence the title, is that it is, in a word, boring. In another word, flat. In another word, uninteresting. Stale. Unadventurous. Boring. Oh wait, I said that already, didn't I? Well, sadly it's worth repeating.

Asia's fifteenth album, XXX, is boring.

It also turned out to be their penultimate one, which kind of makes it even worse. Not really a blip that could be corrected with later albums and forgotten, but a nasty stain that would and does remain, tainting the rather fizzled-out ending of a band who had bucked the odds and ruled the airwaves in the 1980s, even if they had rather fallen out of relevance by now.

Much of the blame has to lie squarely with Wetton's vocals, which sound dull, uninspired, disinterested. When I wrote this I was of course not aware he would be taken from us five years later, and in retrospect, perhaps his battle with cancer had something to do with his insipid and weak vocal here, but no. I see, reading his Wiki page, that after this he went on tour with District 97 to celebrate the 40th anniversary of King Crimson's Larks' Tongues in Aspic, so he wasn't exactly confined to his bed now was he? So sorry John, miss ya dude, but you don't get a pass for that one.

To be fair, it opens with some beautiful piano from Geoff Downes and some cello I think, and you really believe the album is starting off with a ballad, which would not be a bad way to start, but would I think have been a first for this band. However, one minute in it kicks up and becomes a boppy little rocker. Now, I have no problem with this per se. For the first time we hear Downes' famed and instantly recognisable trumpeting keyboards, and for a moment you think yeah, here we go. And to be fair, as an opener it's not too bad of a song, but I do have an issue with the title. When I see a track called "Tomorrow the World" I think this is to do with intention: today London, tomorrow the world, that sort of thing. But it's actually a promise that tomorrow the world will be better, and although that's a laudable sentiment I think they should just have called this "Tomorrow". Would have been punchier, looked to the future, made a better impact in my opinion.

But these are small concerns, as are some of the lyrics: "Wrap (the world) up and throw it like a ball"? What the hell is that meant to mean? Still, it's an upbeat, uptempo rocker to start, even if it's not as powerful as I would have liked. It does however end very badly, looking at first like it's going to end on organ, then this switches to a rolling drum outro, but instead of finishing powerfully it just sort of fades out, which annoyed me. But however, on we go, and at least Wetton is in decent voice for this track, and the next one, "Bury Me in Willow". Reading the title I assumed that Willow was a place, or at least they were making a smutty reference to an unhealthy sexual interest in Buffy, but no, it seems the idea is bury me in a coffin made of willow wood. I'm no expert, but I think coffins are made from pine? However, it's got some decent ideas in it, a sort of anti-war sentiment - "Give me no standards or eulogy/No red white and blue/ No sceptre or no cloak" - but again it's a little limp, a little weak, though Downe's keyboards carry the song, as they often do.

So we're not too bad so far. So far. Then comes "No Religion". Now, the first thing to hit you about this is the oh-so-familiar guitar riff. Yeah, it's BOC's "Don't Fear the Reaper", shamelessly ripped off, note for note. Oh dear. This is where you start to hear Wetton's voice start to sound a little less sure, a little weaker and less committed, as if he's losing interest. It's paradoxically the heaviest track on the album, and one where he should really be letting it rip, but no, there's no heart or soul there. No religion? No interest, more like. And it doesn't get any better as the album wends what becomes its weary way on, as each song becomes more a trial to listen to, and my own interest begins to wane. "Faithful" sounds, to me, a little too close to "The Last Time" off Aura for comfort, and as Wetton sings "I was hardwired to forget" I begin to wish I was! This is lovesong drivel of the worst kind, the sort of thing that got Asia pegged as "a bunch of old men singing to their girlfriends", even back in the eighties! The lyric is awful: "Wherever you may go/ You'll always know/ Faithful I'll be to you" Oh, again I say, dear. It's like mid-eighties Asia but without the class and the power. It just sounds desperate, almost as if they're trying to write a hit single one more time. Doubt this will manage it.

Even Steve Howe's guitar playing is subsumed in the album generally, although he does let loose with a nice solo here that helps to rescue the song a little, but even that can't prevent this from sliding down a deep hole from which it (hopefully) will never emerge. Awful. And as I say, unfortunately, it does not get any better, with Supertramp style piano opening "I Know How You Feel". It's not the worst song, and I wonder how Payne would have handled it, but Wetton just doesn't come across as invested in it at all, and if he really did know how we feel, he would have put in a better performance on this album, while maybe writing some better songs into the bargain. Again there's a decent little Howe solo, but it's very restrained and almost lost in the backing vocals and Downes' keys.

"Face On the Bridge" isn't bad, to be completely fair, nice keyboard intro, good beat, and Wetton's singing is not too bad, but still way below par. It's very derivative though, like most of the songs on this album: I can definitely hear echoes of Astra and Alpha material in it. For what it is though, it's probably the last decent track on the album, which is not really a compliment, but a sad statement of fact. This is, as the man says, where things get ugly, where the precariously-balanced house of cards shudders and threatens to fall.

I don't know what "Al gatto nero" means, and have no idea what the HELL it's about. Wetton uses a mixture of English and either Spanish or Italian language in the lyric, and although I can't quite place it, the melody of the song comes across as very, very familiar, and I'm sure I've heard it in a previous Asia track. It is, however, notable for one thing: it will go down in my own personal history as THE most annoying Asia track EVER. I bloody hate it! It just grates on me, mostly perhaps because I don't know what it's about, but it seems to be very smug and self-serving. To understand what I mean you'll have to just bite the bullet and listen to it. Oh yeah, and just to add insult to injury they throw in the ending to "Here Comes the Feeling" off the debut album. But even at that, it's not the worst track on the album. Oh no.

If a band writes a song called "Judas", you can be reasonably sure it's going to be about betrayal of some sort, treachery, backstabbing, that sort of thing, and that it should be sung in an angry voice. Whether that anger is a growl or rage or a mutter of cold reproach is a matter of style, but what you don't expect is for the lyric to be rattled off with no heart, no emotion, no feeling and no impact whatever. When John Wetton sings "You put a knife in me" he sounds about as concerned about it as what he's going to have for his breakfast. He might as well be reproving someone for turning up late, or spilling his drink. There's not one iota of anger in his voice, it's completely matter-of-fact, flat and bored. Christ, if he's not interested in the song, how am I expected to be? It's the most one-dimensional Judas I have ever heard about, and it makes zero impact on me. A song without emotion really isn't a song at all, at least a rock song. This is terrible. Though it rocks in melody the vocal drags it down to the very bottom of the barrel; you can't believe in it, so you can't enjoy it. Well, I can't.

The only good thing about "Judas" is that it heralds the arrival of the final track. Yeah, that's right: thirty years in the business is marked by an album with NINE tracks. What a rip-off! And none of them are even any way particularly long. Then again, with quality this low it's probably a blessing there are so few tracks.  Where is the heart and emotion that went into tracks like "Heroine" and "Orchard of Mines" on Phoenix? No three-part compositions like on that album, nothing to stand out, unless it's how bad the material is. Well, the closer is called "Ghost of a Chance", and that's fairly appropriate, as that's how much it's likely I'll ever grow to tolerate, never mind like, this album. There is some lovely acoustic guitar from Steve Howe and some nice strings, and they do try to kick it up for one final last-gasp effort. It's not bad, but it'll take more than this to rescue such a poor album.

It's possibly telling that when you try to access their website (ASIA | XXX) it takes an absolute age to come up. Perhaps Asia are tired, perhaps they should think about calling it a day. Thirty years is a long time, even if this particular lineup hasn't been together all that time. If they can't find the creative spark that lit albums like Alpha, Aura and even Phoenix, they really shouldn't be foisting this substandard trash on their longtime fans, and giving ammunition to those who say Asia are a boring, tired band. If it's too much to mark your thirtieth year with a standout, or at least impressive album - hell, I'd have accepted adequate! - then I have to wonder if Asia have any business putting out new albums and expecting people like me to pay for them.

That said, I have no doubt the album will sell well, and the upcoming concerts will no doubt be sold out, and perhaps the songs will translate better live. But I don't have the money for concert tickets, even if they were playing Ireland, which I don't know, and I should be able to get the same basic feeling from their recorded output. On the strength of this, I wouldn't go see them if the tickets were free. Well, of course I would, as they have produced excellent music down the years. But I really feel they've let me down this time, and at a time when I would have wanted, and expected, them to reaffirm their love of music and their talent, and their commitment to the people who have, after all, put them where they are today.

To paraphrase Meat Loaf, this album is a lemon and I want my money back!

I will, however, leave the last word to Fry.


TRACK LISTING

1. Tomorrow the World
2. Bury Me in Willow
3. No Religion
4. Faithful
5. I Know How You Feel
6. Face On the Bridge
7. Al gatto nero
8. Judas
9. Ghost of a Chance