Trollheart's Cheese of the Week

[Trollheart]

Ah now we all love a bit of cheese from time to time, don't we? Specially on brown bread, bit of ham, mustard... what? No no no! Not that sort of cheese! I mean, cheesy music. Songs you know deep down inside are just, well, what's the word now? Oh yeah: cheesy. And yet you kind of like them. Or tolerate them. Or hate them. Up to your own personal tastes of course. And natch, not everyone will think the same thing is cheesy. But there are some songs that just can't convince any jury they're not made from a certain dairy product, and those are the ones I'm going to feature here. One a week, cos, you know, it's fattening and probably bad for you. Plus I got a thousand other things to do. At least.

The first selection then might then surprise those of you who know me, but even I have to admit this one could have been made by Galtee or Calvita (look I don't know: substitute your own favourite brand of cheese - you get the idea I'm sure) and really, it's hard to listen to it without a few titters.



"You Give Love a Bad Name" (Bon Jovi) 1986


I mean hell, I love this band to bits, and will defend them against anyone, but even I have to admit this, their first major hit and the one which introduced them to the world is made from the finest cheddar! From the opening shouted chorus to the awful lyric, through to the totally predictable and cringeworthy bit in the middle where everything but the percussion stops and they clap the acapella chorus - ugh! This song for me is indicative of everything that's cheesy and laughable in rock music. Granted, their next albums were more mature, and they soon shook off the "teen-pop/rock idols" mantle they saddled themselves with, via this and the less cheesy but still annoying "Livin' on a Prayer" - make up your mind, Jon! First it "doesn't matter if we make it or not", then it's "We'll make it I swear!" Which is it? - and granted too, the album has some great tracks. I love "Wanted Dead or Alive" and "Let it Rock". But as an announcement of your arrival to the world in general, "You Give Love a Bad Name" has cheese stamped all over it. I'm only surprised mice haven't run away with every copy!

The title is also pointless. You give love a bad name? From the behaviour of the main character in the song, it's not love she's all about but something entirely different. Perhaps they should have changed the title to "You give sluts a bad name"? Wouldn't have been quite so radio-friendly then, would it? But more accurate, when you think about it.

I mentioned the lyric. Well, with lines like "Blood red nails on your fingertips", "Your very first kiss was your first kiss goodbye", and the truly terrible "You're a loaded gun" we're not exactly talking very deep thought here now, are we? Let's be honest: it's a throwaway song, although it does have great energy and a sense of fun about it, which is probably why "the kids" went for it in such huge numbers. Not to mention the fact that Jon was quite a looker back then, and the rest of the band weren't no Quasimodos either! But the lyric is childish, the instrumentation is ok but nothing special, and the whole song is aimed at young people, which is nothing bad, but as you grow older and more demanding of your music you begin to see how empty this song is. Sure, I danced and headbanged to it, but nowadays I turn off the radio if it comes on.

You give love a bad name? More like you give rock a bad name! Or is that pop rock?

[Saulaac]

Corduroy were a favourite UK cheese group, and I forgot about them until recently. Their songs often contained small parts which were intricate filthy 70s cop sound, but then would go back to really cheesy stuff a few seconds later.

January Woman has a great 20 second intro where one could imagine a lady detective who doesn't take any sh1t, but then the next bit is like something out of Mary Poppins.

Anyway, this has given me the urge to go back into their discogs.