You're Fired! The Apprentice

[Trollheart]

Season one, episode seven:
"Apprentice Celebrities"

A man like Sir Alan did not get where he is today, to quote CJ from The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin, by not recognising where there's conflict, and as Saira declares her reluctance to work with Paul again to the others, she gets her wish as, the next morning, Sir Alan splits the teams, basing them around Paul and Saira, each told to choose a member for their team. Saira chooses James, Raj, and Sebastian, while Paul then chooses Tim, Miriam and Ben. Speaking of Ben, he's left in no doubt by Sir Alan that it might be a good idea if he stepped up as Project Manager, and so of course he does. The task is to blag items from celebrities to be auctioned off at a charity gala to help reopen the Hackney Empire cinema, in the area where Sir Alan grew up. He'll be leaving it to them as to how they do that, but he has arranged the audiences for them.

The Task:


PM (Saria's Team): Ben
PM (Paul's Team): James

At this point, I'm not entirely sure if the team names remain, or if we just refer to them as Paul's team and Saira's team, but until I get further guidance that's what I'll call them. Sir Alan has set up a total of 10 celebrities to be approached, and the teams begin working out their strategies. First each team has to choose 5 out of the ten celebrities to target, and showing how old this is, the list would appear more one of washed-up has-beens than A-listers, but time makes fools of us all, even the famous. So, Saira's team choose Michael Winner, Dermot Gavin, two of the female cast of the musical show Chicago, Ian Wright and Anthony Morell-Thompson, while Paul's team go for Mel Smith, Eamonn Holmes, Paul McKenna, Richard Burkett and Mo Mowlam. If you don't know who these people are, don't worry: it's not that important, but as they see each one I'll give you a quick bio.

The first celeb approached by Paul's team is film director Michael Winner, and he proves a tough proposition, making the very valid point that there are far more worthy causes he can contribute to, such as world famine, hospitals and so on: why would he want to help some poxy theatre? Given that he's a director, you might think he'd be a bit more well disposed towards preserving one of the area's theatres, but he seems almost insulted that he should be asked to support, as he sees it, such a trivial cause. I suspect it's possible Sir Alan has asked the celebrities not to go down easy, to make it hard for the teams, make them work for their patronage, as it were. Of course, Winner could just be an annoying prick. Actually stepping out from the shadows for once (what does he do there, we wonder?) Raj, who sees him as a personal hero, we're told, leads the negotiations with hypnotist Paul McKenna. It's a bad idea: they do say never meet your heroes, and Raj is like a blushing schoolboy meeting Springsteen or something: he just can't get the words out, and is so awkward it's almost, though not quite, as painful as watching Rachel dance last week.

In the end, James decides he's losing the plot and jumps in, taking over the negotiation - or, I should say really, starting it, as Raj has, true to form, been useless in even getting a dialogue going. James however is successful in securing a personal hypnosis session from McKenna, while Miriam wins over (!) Winner, who agrees to put up a meal for four in the most exclusive restaurant in London. If he's available, he says, he will actually pour the wine. Saira is her usual pushy self and almost alienates McKenna by asking for a signed copy of his book as well. This seems to the hypnotist to be demanding too much, and also I imagine makes him wonder why they don't value the session he's offering as being enough on its own? Seems Saira is trying to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory here! Ben rather overestimates the net worth of the two actresses, suggesting that they offer an all-expenses-paid trip to Chicago - the city, not the musical! - which gets very short shrift indeed. Research, my son! Do your fucking research. Not every actor or actress is a fucking millionaire!

I would have suspicions about Sebastian's contention that he is a big fan of Mel Smyth's work: he doesn't mention Alas Smith and Jones, his partner, or Not the Nine O'Clock News, so really, anyone can say "I'm a fan of your work". It's just lucky Mel didn't ask him what his favourite sketch was? I mean, anyone who knows him would say something like "Gerald the gorilla" or "the conversations you do with Griff head to head", something like that, something to show that they're not just bullshitting them. Anyway, he too is floundering and Saira jumps in with both feet to take over from him, but at least she gets a negotiation going. Back on Paul's team, Ben has to pare back his lavish expectations and settle for VIP tickets for 50 people to the show; one of the actresses is scowling all the time, no doubt correctly seeing him as a flash wide boy who wouldn't ordinarily be seen dead at their show. Not a lot of love lost there.

Strangely enough, when Paul's team go to see Diarmuid Gavin, given that he is a celebrity gardener (apparently), nobody even thinks of asking him to pony up a garden makeover; they're talking about his jacket, his motorbike. Surely the true value of a celebrity (if they have one) is in what they do? You wouldn't, for instance, ask Lady Gaga to fly you in a helicopter, or suggest that Frank Bruno would cook you dinner? A gardener should be offering something to do with a garden, ne c'est pas? But they don't seem to see that. When they do ask him about the bike, he says he has never ridden it, but intends to one day, and besides, it's a very high-performance vehicle and he would not be able to forgive himself if anyone who got it in a charity auction got injured riding it. So that's out.  Eventually Paul's team do the more logical and surely most obvious thing, and ask Diarmuid to participate in a sort of advice call for gardens and home design, which he agrees to put up as his auction piece. The team play a somewhat dangerous game, pushing him until he agres to throw in the motorbike too.

Eamonn Holmes, presenter of breakfast television show  GMTV turns on the full Irish charm on Saira, but she's not having any of it. He is not making it easy for Saira's team, shooting down all their suggestions and offering none of his own. Fat Irish twat. Sorry. He eventually offers a tour of the studio and a VIP breakfast, though he makes it clear it won't be anything luxurious, as he has to pay for it. Shades of Father Ted in the "Lovely Girls Competition" - "And you pay (to the winner) - I don't pay. You're paying."  I think I was unfair to Holmes earlier, and I wish now to amend my previous description of him. Calling him a fat Irish twat was neither fair nor completely accurate. He's a fat, tight Irish twat. Ian Wright, on the other hand, when Saira's team visit him, worries that his ego might be deflated if he offered something and it didn't fetch the price he expected. Again Ben is pushy, and when he suggests Wright could give them his England 98 golf bag, the soccer international is aghast. Tim then puts his foot in it further by letting Wright (who is his idol, so are we back to a performance worthy of Raj again?) that they are not actually involved in the charity but are doing this on behalf of The Apprentice. That does not go down well with the football star.

It's up to Miriam to rescue the situation, which she does by discounting everything the other two have said (Paul hasn't uttered a word) and making a passionate plea on behalf of "the children", which finally strikes a chord with Wright and he agrees to donate his golf bag, while not missing the chance to let Tim and Ben know that he is not impressed, that they started the pitch on the wrong foot and, to use a term from his own arena, scored an own goal, Miriam only rescuing the result with a last-minute penalty.

To her immense credit, and showing how strong a team player she is, Miriam does not berate Tim over his error; when his confidence has, probably for the first time ever, taken a knock, as he says himself, she embraces him and tells him he did well, that all she did was complete the sale, as it were. Can you imagine Saira in that position? They'd be coming to blows! But Miriam knows that what is needed now is reassurance, not recrimination. It's not as if they failed: they got the item, even if it was hard-won, and in the end that's all that matters. Whether, of course, should they lose, she will bring this up in the Boardroom remains to be seen, but for now she's supportive and engaging, and assures Tim no harm has been done.

The auction takes place, and each team's items seem to sell very well, but who has sold the most and made the most money for the charity? That will have to wait until they all meet up again the next morning in the Boardroom. Oh. No they won't. For some reason Sir Alan meets them backstage and tells them who won. That's unusual. At any rate, it's Paul's team (I think he still called them First Forte, but we'll find out soon enough) who win, and Saira's team are the ones to, presumably, return to the Boardroom alone tomorrow. Paul is not exactly magnanimous in victory, only short of burning Saira in effigy, delighted to have beaten his nemesis.

[Trollheart]

So this time this will serve as "Return to the Boardroom", and then we'll move directly onto the three who are brought back in. Confusing, isn't it?

The Boardroom

Saira's team are then the only ones to come into the Boardroom, to discuss their loss and why it occurred. Sir Alan maintains they didn't push hard enough for better gear. That is a hard one to gauge: the other team almost scuppered themselves twice, skating close to insulting their celebrity, and while Geldof may feel comfortable growing "Just give us your fucking money", not everyone can do that. The celebrities could very easily have said "That's it, fuck off" and they would have got nothing. So I'm not so sure pushing for more would have been the greatest strategy, especially as they already tried this with Paul McKenna and - while they got what they wanted in the end - it seemed to really annoy him. In the same way, Paul's team had to pull their horns in when Ian Wright got pissed off with them, and without Miriam's intervention they might indeed have left without anything. So it's a fine line you tread when you ask for charity donations, and I think it is perhaps a little unfair of Sir Alan to say they weren't pushy enough. There's being determined and dogged, and there's being rude.

Raj gets interrogated and I must say, does the most talking that he has so far, although most of it is just flim-flam, avoiding the responsibility but also taking the blame for some of it. Hard to figure the guy; it's almost like he has no personality of his own. James is right though; despite Sir Alan saying you should have pushed more with Eamonn Holmes, that fucker was not giving anything away that didn't suit him. He was, as they say in the business, a right prick. James chooses Sebastian and Raj to remain with him in the Boardroom to face further questions.

Behind the Boardroom Door

Margaret*: "They wouldn't have got a bike from Diarmuid Gavin."

Sir Alan: "No?"

Margaret: "The way they went into the other things, they would not have got that bike."

Nick: "And I think that's the point. Apart from Saira, the rest were all pussyfooting around. What has Raj ever shown you?"

Sir Alan: "Well, what has Sebastian ever shown me?"

Nick: "He's articulate, I guess. I find Raj completely inarticulate."

Margaret: "But I think Raj has more common sense than Sebastian."

Sir Alan: "Think so?"

Margaret: "He's knocked around a bit more." **

* This is the first time Margaret has spoken after the candidates have left to be whittled down

** This is the longest "Behind the Boardroom Door" conversation so far. You can see how unsure Sir Alan is about how he should proceed, and how much he values and relies on the advice of both Margaret and Nick.


And then there were three...

As he will often do when he hasn't made up his mind, Sir Alan asks each candidate why they should remain in the process. Sebastian's habit of being quiet and staying on the sidelines does not go down well, Raj is asked why he is sitting there instead of Saira (and basically puts it down to her big mouth, which is interesting, as his inarticulateness has been remarked upon already) and does seem to get flustered as he tries to save himself. James is as usual a picture of calm and serenity; he may go today, he knows that, but he thinks his team did a good enough job, and as PM he may have to shoulder the fact that they didn't win, but he's going to be reserved and gentlemanly about it. It's his first time in the Boardroom as a loser, his second as PM, and he probably thinks he should deserve another chance. It's unlikely he's going to turn on anyone; just not in his nature to get down and dirty in the trenches. James is the type who, to quote Rimmer from Red Dwarf when he speaks about generals, is up there in the lovely white tents directing the battle and sipping Sancerre.

In fairness, it could have been either of the other two, but Sir Alan plumps for Sebastian, claiming he has not seen enough from him, that he's too quiet and not the sort of person he believes would fit in to his organisation. Not, as he says, an action man. He fires him, but also puts Raj on notice, saying there will be no more warnings, which I assume means Raj is going to expect to lead the next task. If he doesn't, if he doesn't step up and take the opportunity to show Sir Alan what he can do - even if he fails - then he's a very stupid man, and whatever else he may be, he doesn't look stupid, and he didn't secure his candidacy here by being less than intelligent. He should be clearly able to read the weather, know there's a storm heading his way, and take the only course he can to try to avoid it. I really hope the next task is selling boats, because then all that pretentious waffle will seem like a really prescient statement, instead of the random nautical metaphor bollocks it is!

After the firing

Sir Alan: "At the end of the day, we're looking for someone who's going to come and work for me in my organisation, and therefore they've got to have a sort of Sugar culture (!) - smoothly, smoothly, nicey, nicey - that's all right, but there's got to be a killer instinct somewhere, you know? And I don't think he's demonstrated that here."

QUOTES

Saira: "I think our approach was to treat each celebrity with respect."
(Yeah, I'm sure Paul McKenna felt you respected him, when you intimated the session he was offering was not enough on its own, and could he not chuck in a signed copy of his book too, to make it worth your while!)

Ben: "Really what we'd like to do is keep it open-ended, a weekend to Chicago. Flying them out."
Actress (laughing): "Can I go with them? I certainly can't afford to fly someone to Chicago!"


Thoughts in the cab

Sebastian: "I am a bit shocked, because I wasn't expecting to go quite now. I had proved myself on many of the other tasks. I think in my view Raj is a great great individual, very personable, very friendly, great sense of humour but I think in that boardroom, I think it should have been him to go, purely because on all the tasks that have taken place so far I think he's the one individual in the household that hasn't shone on any of them."

A fair assessment of Raj, who surely can't have long left to go: I can't pin down one single thing, never mind one task, where he made the slightest contribution, and this week he totally fluffed his chance to impress when he tried to schmooze Paul McKenna. As for Sebastian, pretty much the same for him, though wasn't he PM once? Let me check back: yeah he led the art one. And he won, but not due to his brilliance, in fact I don't think he did much in that task. And his attempt to talk to Mel Smyth on this task was as ill-advised and ineffective as Raj's. Plus he forgot the name of the damned theatre! I don't call that proving yourself on tasks!


You're fired!
Name: Sebastian Schrimpff
Age: 33
Occupation: Financial Analyst

Seems Sebastian was as boring as his job title. Seriously, is there any little boy or girl who dreams of growing up to be a financial fucking analyst? He was very much the "grey man" of the competition; I can't point to a single thing he will be remembered for. He cracked no jokes, closed no deals, led the team but they won in spite of him, didn't seem to have made any friendships or alliances. That doesn't mean he wasn't a nice guy; he seemed to be. But The Apprentice demands you be more than a nice guy or girl: you have to stand out, and for me, Seb did not. What did he do after he was fired? Well, with a name like that he's going to be easy to Google, unless there are a whole lot of aliens out there. Honestly, doesn't his name sound like he was trying to tell someone what it was and then someone else put their hand over his mouth to silence him? Okay, enough mirth at his expense: let's see if we can find out anything about his career after the show.

Hmm. Seems that surname is Colombian, as it says he returned there to his family, and now runs a successful investments company. Fair enough.



Paul's team: Ben led the team but most of his decisions looked to me to be more a case of bad ones; pushing too hard (although Sir Alan did later confirm this was what he wanted) and coming close to insulting and incurring the wrath of Ian Wright. I don't know; his team won, but did it win thanks to anything he did, any great strategy other than "push push and push some more"? I'd have to say he was a fairly unremarkable PM. Not terrible but certainly not great. A real mid-range guy.

PM Rating:

Saira's team: James was kind of the same. I think in almost contrast to Ben, his gentlemanly, polite nature forbade him from pushing people too much, though when he could see Raj was getting nowhere with McKenna he did jump in and saved the pitch, as it were. Again, I'd have to say he was okay, but nothing special. They didn't lose because of him, but at the same time, had they won, I don't think he could really have claimed much credit.

PM rating:

May the best team win? Once again, hard to say. Although they were praised for getting their high-ticket item, the motorcycle, from what I saw Diarmuid Gavin had refused, then surprised them at the end by agreeing. Now, maybe you could say that was because he was charmed by them, or maybe it was that he just wanted to get rid of them and was being worn down by them. So did the bike come to them through their efforts, or his own generosity? Given that it was the deciding factor and won them the task, I suppose you have to give them the benefit of the doubt, but I could have seen either team winning really. Or losing. So I don't actually think there was much between them in terms of performance and winning the task.

However, when we look at how Paul's team supported each other - as detailed above, Miriam's consoling of Tim - as opposed to Saira's usual snappy attitude and aggressive approach, yeah, perhaps Paul's were the better team overall.

The front runners

Still Tim, Miriam, Saira and maybe James, even though his team lost this week.

Oops!

Sebastian forgetting the name of the damned theatre when he starts trying to interest celebrities is not a good start. I mean, how can you forget two fucking words? The Hackney what? Cab, is it? Kingdom? Realm? Something like that anyway: some rundown fleapit that Sugar has a surprisingly sentimental connection to. So, do you want to support it, or what? Hello? Hello?

Tim uncharacteristically makes a serious error when he reveals to Ian Wright that the charity they're collecting for, the Hackney Empire, doesn't really mean anything to them: it's just one of the tasks Sir Alan has set for them. An inauthentic and insincere plea then for his help falls on deaf ears.

Quite funny when, as Miriam is hugging Tim, Paul comes out of the car saying "Nobody hugs me!" And spreads his arms wide ... and is completely ignored, has to go sit back down in the car. Reminds me of Homer: "You never thanked me," and Marge saying "You didn't do anything!" Whereupon Homer sulks "I like being thanked."

The one that got away

Would have to be Raj again, and I'm pretty sure he knows it. Hell, everyone knows it. Unless he pulls a rabbit out of the hat next week, that taxi has his name on it!

[Trollheart]

Season one, episode eight:
"Food Fight"

For the first time in the series the candidates are operating outside the city, though Sir Alan throws them off-guard by bringing them to the Amstrad computer assembly plant, and waffling on about computer components, so that they must surely think they're going to be asked to build a new computer or something. Imagine their surprise when he tells them they'll be making food products, sourcing it from local farmers and selling it at farmers' markets! Bet they weren't expecting that! I certainly wasn't. Well actually I was, as the impact was taken out of the revelation by Voiceover Guy, who told us all this in advance. Seems to me it would have been better to have kept schtumm and let us, too, be surprised. But anyway, on we go. It appears the teams are still called what they were, whether they changed or not last week I'm not sure, but they weren't mentioned. Now they are, so we're back with them. Or they never went away. Whatever.

The Task:


Impact PM: Ben
First Forte PM: Raj

Ben is, rather oddly, chosen, or put forward anyway by Paul, who believes he did such a great job last week that he should be taking the reins this week too. Is this a tactical manoeuvre by the landlord? Is he hoping Ben will fall flat on his face, and be told by Sir Alan that he should not have been greedy, should have let someone else have a go? What expertise has this headhunter in the world of agriculture? For that matter, what experience have any of them got in farming and growing veg? Suppose he's as good as anyone. Unsurprisingly, Raj has taken to heart what the boss said in the Boardroom last week, and has stepped forward to lead First Forte. It's surely not significant or important, but I like to point these things out: this is the first time we've had the PM on both teams having three letters in their name. All right, I'll get on with it if that's what you want.

To probably nobody's surprise, Raj is already PM in name only, as Saira aggressively pushes her idea for chutney, virtually daring anyone to fight her on it. Impact go for making soup, and both teams are sent to Berkshire, which will be the backdrop for the longest task they have yet undertaken - three days in all. James for some reason tries to communicate with the local donkeys (seriously) while Raj wonders what the hell he has signed up for? He took on the post of PM (he had to) before knowing what the task was, and now he's no way sure that he's up to the job. Doesn't really matter, as everyone else on his team seems to be ignoring him anyway and doing what they want without asking or involving him. Saira's championing of chutney is in the bin, as the cook tells them it can't be eaten until three months after being made, so that's out. She suggests jam and jelly. They decide to engage her services, as none of them could boil an egg, never mind make a jam. Impact manage to get some pretty decent discounts on their veg, for, well, no reason really: the guy just offers.

James is essentially project managing the task, while Saira just browbeats Raj and orders him around. "I just want some fucking respect," he says. Well, you won't get it by letting people tell you what to do and push you around, son. You also won't get it by not listening to your team members when they point out that you are spending too much money and are unlikely to make any profit, one of the cardinal sins in the doctrine of Alan Sugar! Why is Saira asking if they can still make chutney? Suppose they can sell it but are you going to buy something that you can't even open for three months? Seems unlikely to me. James meanwhile has a close shave with a monster snail and some nettles. Ah, the glamorous life of an Apprentice candidate! Now that they've realised how much they're spending, First Forte intend to try to get their cooks to work for free. How that's going to pan out, only the gods of finance know, but I know what I'd be saying if someone engaged me for a job, a fee was agreed and then they asked me to do it for nothing. You wouldn't see me for dust.

Um, considering Raj's people are picking elderberries by the side of the road for their jam, I assume they know what's poisonous and what's not, and can distinguish elderberries from, oh I don't know, say, the black poison certain-deathberries? Like, do they know anything about wild fruits? I certainly wouldn't be able to tell one berry from another. They manage to get the cook to work for free, ostensibly in return for promoting her kitchen, in reality she probably agrees because that means at least she's on TV. Possible also that the producers said "Look, love, they're idiots, but they're poor idiots, so the deal is: do it for nothing or we'll find someone else." Maybe. Raj seems to have checked out; he says as much to the camera, and looks to be resigned to going home.

The next day both teams are off to the farmers' market to sell their produce, but both arrive late, which is not a great start and puts them on the back foot. At least everything seems to be selling. Until a spider is discovered in Saira's jelly! Don't shout, or everyone will want one! Yeah, doesn't quite work with these people. Or anyone. To be fair to her, Saira is a sales whirlwind, even targeting the other stall holders, who seem helpless before her assault, and buy the stuff, possibly just to get rid of her. But apart from that, and Ben's scowling face putting customers off, it goes quite well, at least for First Forte, who sell out, while Impact are left chucking their venison soup (what?) into a bin, where it looks like it belongs.

[Trollheart]

The Boardroom

Back in good old London, it's time to get down to brass tacks and see who has won the task. Surprisingly, when asked, both Saira and James say Raj was a good team leader, which he certainly was not. Nevertheless, it's them that win the task, almost tripling what the other team made. Pretty short Boardroom, all things considered, not really much to report, other than that the winning team get to fly to Monaco to stay over. Hey, it beats learning to ice skate or helicopter trips over London, doesn't it?


Behind the Boardroom Door

Margaret: "Well I think Miriam has to take some responsibility for that as well because she must have known that she couldn't spend £650."

Nick: "It's the Project Manager's role to keep the bloody thing under control, and he didn't."

Margaret: "What about Paul though?"

Sir Alan: "He's very fiery. Some people might say that's a good thing, but you can't have a loose cannon like that running around too much. I don't know whether he's ever going to learn to control that temper."

Return to the Boardroom

Sir Alan tells the losing team that they made a product which was too elaborate and cost too much to make, versus how much they were able to sell it for. He says the others kept it simple, which is why they won. It must also be mentioned though (he doesn't say it, not yet anyway) that First Forte had originally costs of £50 an hour for their cook, which would have completely wiped out their profit and given Impact the lead, but they managed to scrub that entirely. So I guess both blame and credit to Saira, first for booking her and then for realising she cost too much and managing to get her to work for free, and so saving the task for her team. Paul twists and turns, again avoiding questions, but trying to defend himself when Ben says he didn't see enough from him, and it's him and Miram he brings back.

And then there were three...

Sir Alan again uses the tactic of asking each of them why he shouldn't fire them. Paul seems almost insulted by the inference, saying he did all he could and that basically it's not his fault the team lost. He and Ben clash, probably aware that it's one of them going. Miriam throws Paul under the bus, and Paul hits back at her, with his usual dismissive and rude attitude towards women. He actually gets very animated (again) and Sir Alan's fear, voiced just before he called them back in, that the man will never learn to control his temper, seems to be well-founded. Even in the Boardroom, even in front of the boss, Paul does not know when to shut up and take what's coming to him. Some might call that brave, others arrogant, still others might consider it suicidal.

His refusal to say who should be fired looks to be about to hang him, as Sir Alan asks both Miriam and Ben who should be fired, and they both say it should be him. Yet again though he gets a pass, as Sir Alan fires Ben, who looks like one of those criminals in the dock who "Show no emotion when the sentence is passed": it's almost as if he's daydreaming and is mentally somewhere else. I wonder if, this being the first season, the producers had no idea how fired candidates should react, and so they just sort of sat there and stared till dismissed? In later seasons they will always thank Sir Alan and his aides, and sometimes wish the other candidates good luck, and he (Sir Alan), if he has been sufficiently impressed with them, may tell them to keep in touch. More human, and none of that happens here. It's almost like, press any key to delete this candidate. Or, to use a phrase from Star Trek: The Next Generation when they're on the holodeck, "Computer, freeze program!"

After the firing

Sir Alan: "He looks the part. He looks the part. Looks the part, talks the part, and I'm thinking all along, come on man, show me something! And he hasn't shown me anything really. That's it. That's it; he had to go in the end."

QUOTES

Saira: "Now, none of us has any clue really on chutney. I've eaten it, I really like it."
Nancy the cook: "Well, when you've made it, most of them have to wait three months before you can eat it."
Saira: "We do realise that. We do realise that."
(Saying it twice doesn't make it true, Saira. You did NOT realise that, or you wouldn't have suggested it. Neck like the proverbial jockey's bollocks, she has!)

James: "Saira is being overbearing as usual and talking everyone down, really, and Raj isn't leading."
(You say that as if you're surprised, James!)

Raj: "I think Saira's performed quite well, in terms of what she's negotiated. But the problem with her is she's a bit of a disruptive force. (That's like saying Hurricane Katrina was a bit windy! - TH) If you look at what she says, 95 percent of it will have been something that was raised earlier, and was not her idea, but then it comes across as her idea, so I think she's playing a bit of a cute game. But you know what? I can't be bothered with it; at the end of the day, we're here to do a task. : if the judges or whatever can't see that, then let them hire her."
(Very telling: a man who has already shrugged and said fuck it I don't care, I'm not going to win. He also has a somewhat skewed idea of the makeup of the show. Judges? There aren't any judges! This isn't X Factor! There's only one man who makes the final decision.)

Saira: "I've really pulled my weight on this. I've negotiated, I've really been hands-on, I've also been making quite a few decisions on behalf of Raj, and directing him."

(And what about the other member of your team, Saira? What about James?)
Saira: "I've been a bit stressed; I've raised my voice, I've given my opinions straight. I don't think they like that all the time. I know James doesn't, but I do feel, and I will say this, I just feel sometimes he's a dithering old fool."

Sir Alan: "It's all very well ranting about team, team, team: I'm not going to employ a bloody team. I'm going to employ a person. This is not the bloody Waltons here!"



Thoughts in the cab

Ben: "It's almost as if, by nominating me to start with, Paul had a strategy  to get rid of me, and if that was the case, then he's done well. The only point that they picked up on was that I hadn't managed the budget as well as I should have done. In my line of business, the margins are so high that I don't need to concentrate too much on budgets. I don't like retail and I don't like pumpkin soup."

Always good to see a candidate with a sense of humour. Go on, Ben: hunt them heads!

You're fired!
Name: Ben Leary
Age: 33
Occupation: Headhunter

Another of what I like to term "the grey men", Ben will be remembered for absolutely nothing. Well, maybe for being a sour-faced bastard, a point brought up to him by the manager of the farmers' market, sort of echoing the mantra of the manager of Harrods - smile, smile, smile. He didn't. He had very little to say for himself; in fact, overall the first batch of candidates were pretty boring. It got better. I suppose as a show they were just finding their feet, and trying to strike a balance between serious business show and entertainment. Remember, every one of these people could have been, and hoped to be, working for Sir Alan Sugar at the end, so they wouldn't be too anxious to cause him too many problems or speak out of turn. In true boring fashion, all I can find out about Ben is that he returned to his headhunting business. Hope he found some.



First Forte: As expected, you'd have to say the team succeeded without Raj. He didn't take control, he didn't delegate really and the task just more or less went on around him, as if he was only peripherally involved, if at all. He had already shown us that he had lost interest, but winning the task means he has to stick it out for another week. Maybe a trip to Monaco will have recharged his batteries, but I don't think there was much of a charge left in them anyway. He's running on empty now, and had First Forte lost, there's no question but that he would have been fired.

PM Rating:

Impact: Ben was another terrible leader. Odd to say that he ends up getting the same rating as the PM on the team that won, but while First Forte won in spite of Raj, and you couldn't really say Impact lost because of Ben, he was another who really wasn't taking the reins, would have let the budget spiral out of control, had he had one, or understood what it is, and generally left his people to get on with it. In fairness, he didn't really blame anyone, though he did try to throw Paul under the wheels. Indiana Jones-like though, the landlord from Hell grabbed on to the chassis, worked his way along the bus, and sprang out at a very surprised Ben, making sure the PM was the one who went under, though really more with a bored shrug than a scream, very Raj-like.

PM rating:

May the best team win?

Guess so. Much as I hate her, Saira had a very firm grip on the numbers, and it was, as I mention above, only due to her timely realisation (with James, who I think thought of it first) that they couldn't pay the cook, and her creative solution, that they didn't lose the task. But they kept it simple, cheap and cheerful, and that won the day, whereas Impact went for a more high-end, luxury product in which very few people were interested, and those who were, paid much less for it than they should have.

Oops!

I suppose you have to hand it to Saira. Having pushed for chutney, when she's told by the professional cook that chutney can't be eaten until at least three months after being made, she just goes on, asking what else they can make, without missing a beat. She doesn't even look surprised, disappointed, annoyed, anything, as if she actually knew this. Which of course I assume she did not, as otherwise why push for it? But she covers it well. It is a monumental slip-up though: did they not check before leaving London?

The one that got away

Paul was very lucky to escape. You simply can't be that stubborn in the Boardroom: when Sir Alan asks, you answer, you don't evade. He's also very arrogant and blunt in front of the boss, and that is invariably going to get him into trouble. There are only so many places you can hide, and the Boardroom only has one exit. Well, one for candidates anyway.

[Trollheart]

Season one, episode nine:
"Team News"

Always anxious to wrongfoot the candidates and keep them guessing, Sir Alan tells his secretary not to reveal where they're going when the cars arrive, just that it's North London. Hope the drivers know, or this episode could feature a lot of aimless driving around! No, of course they do, that would be stupid. But with no clue as to where they're bound, the remaining candidates can't indulge in their usual guesswork as to what the task may be. They end up at White Hart Lane, as Tottenham Hotspur's ground used to be called, where Sir Alan tells them that they will be selling subscriptions to a new text messaging app targeting the Spurs fans.
The Task:


Impact PM: Paul
First Forte PM: Saira

It's interesting to me that Paul takes the job of Project Manager for Impact. When they went to meet Ian Wright a few weeks ago, he said he didn't know who he was, and yet in the car he made a joke about Tottenham, so what's his deal? I assumed he was a wide boy who knew nothing about football, but that appears not to be the case. As for First Forte, Saira would not seem to be the ideal PM for this task, but then, she's pushy and mouthy, so maybe that's what Spurs fans need, to be driven, browbeaten, almost threatened if they don't sign up. We'll see. The teams have until matchday (presumably Saturday) to sign up as many fans as they can to the service, which will send news, scores and so forth regarding Tottenham Hotspur to their phones. How they do that, is I guess up to the teams. Paul's idea - he is very enthusiastic, have to give him that - is to bombard the stadium with their messaging: hoardings, Jumbotron, any spare inch of space they can commandeer to catch the attention of the fans. Mind you, they're going to have to clear that with the club first, surely? And what do the other advertisers who have bought space on the hoardings think?

To nobody's surprise, Saira is already running a one-man team, making suggestions into orders and listening to nobody. I don't wish to be sexist, but unless she's a footy fan, should she not at least be talking to the guys to get an idea of what football fans like, how she should talk to them, what will work and what won't? Paul is like a kid in a candy store, quite animated, going on and on with increasingly mad ideas that would never fly - have the number painted on the pitch by the groundsman, have the number stitched onto the team shirts, have someone parachute into the stadium - I mean, come on! This isn't LA, Paul! It's London. Those sort of over-the-top publicity stunts won't wash in English Premier League football! The FA would have a coronary! You definitely get the clear impression Paul knows very little about football, and I think Tim would have been a far better PM. Sure, he hates Spurs, but then, don't they all have to make sacrifices if they want to win the task? He's far more in tune with how English football works, whereas Paul seems to think he's at the Superbowl.

Saira, meanwhile, finally meets her match as she realises there's a real world out there where people actually don't give a fuck whether she makes it to the final or not. After all but threatening Matt, the Spurs rep that she'll report him to Sir Alan for not letting her do the crazy things she wants to do with their pitch, he slaps her down and tells her she's rude and aggressive, and she'll be lucky to get any help from him at all. He gives her a lesson in cold, hard, reality, that one of the principle lessons in business is that you treat your clients, and all people you deal with, with respect. There is no room for bullying in negotiation; it's a two-way street, and if you think you can just blindly charge up it and run everyone over, well, you may end up in the intensive care. Metaphorically speaking. I presume. That man is my hero. Someone had to call this woman out on her total bullshit attitude and dismissive, arrogant and rude way of talking to everyone. Will it make a difference? Probably not. Will Sir Alan hear about it? You can bet your life. Will be take her to task in the Boardroom on it? I'd bet my house on it, if I owned my house. Saira could be in big trouble now. We always knew that gobby mouth of hers would get her into deep shit, now it looks to have happened.

Also, if she knew her football history, Sir Alan's name means nothing to Spurs. The fans hated him when he took over, as his first move was to fire the incredibly popular manager, Terry Venables, with whom he had bought a stake in the club. Perhaps significantly, 1991, the year Sugar took over the club, was the last year Spurs won the FA Cup, and a quick scan through their Premier League record seems to indicate that, while they were never relegated nor flirted with relegation under his stewardship, Tottenham sort of finished mid-table until Sugar fucked off, after which they began to be considered more a team capable of European football, even the odd league title. I don't know for sure if there were any protests against his taking over/running of the club, but it doesn't look to have been a smooth period and I doubt anyone was sorry to see him go, so using him as a veiled threat might be a counterproductive tactic, akin to promising a Man United supporter or member of staff that you would report them to the Glasers.

At any rate, whether it's Tim's superior football knowledge, their manner or just wanting to subconsciously get back at Saira,  Matt is far more helpful to Impact, agreeing with some of their ideas and clearing the way for their implementation. A lesson Saira has not learned in nine weeks, and probably never will, a very simple one that we all know, you attract more flies with honey than with vinegar. Proving me right, that she has not learned, Saira comes up with a slogan - "Get your "F" off to get your Spurs On". What? Spurs On is the name of the service, but what the - excuse my language - F does "Get your F off" mean, and what else can it be taken to mean? Unsurprisingly, Matt shoots the idea down right away. They should have expected that. After his spat with Saira, anything he can do now to hobble First Forte Matt will do, though it should have been obvious that this would be a non-runner from the start! Oh right: the fans text F to join the service (why F? Who knows?) so that was the pun. Yeah but far too risque, especially when so many young kids would be Spurs supporters. Idiots.

In the event, Sir Alan sends Margaret and Nick to have an emergency meeting with both teams and slap them down. Matt has not been impressed, and perhaps oddly, has not necessarily singled out either Saira or her team as the culprits, but has painted with a broad brush, removing some of Impact's routes to messaging, such as the Jumbotron (which he had already said they could use), the pitch, and the website. This is clearly a backlash against Saira's rudeness, and in a way, a very real way, whoever loses has her to blame. They're all now paying for her aggressive, bossy attitude, and Matt has seen fit to make sure that they know damn well who the boss is here. Sugar may be captain in his Boardroom, but round here he don't count for nothing. Both teams are told to be ultra-respectful in future, and it's very clear that both of them are going to have a serious uphill battle to win the task, now that these perhaps rather draconian restrictions have been placed upon them. It's quite funny in a way to see those six high-powered executives stand and be lectured like naughty schoolchildren by Margaret, though you do have to feel for Impact, who were nothing but polite and professional, and are now caught in the blowback resulting from Saira's cavernous gob and her complete, almost sociopathic lack of regard for decorum and politeness when dealing with others.

So it's back to the drawing board for both teams, but Impact are (say it) impacted the worst by the new restrictions. I'm not entirely sure they know why these conditions have been levelled upon them; Tim in particular takes it hard, given that all his great ideas were authorised and agreed yesterday, and now, today, are gone with the wind, so to speak. But I suppose you could see it as a test of resilience, and each team will have to go for a Plan B they probably didn't even have. That's the nature of the game; adapt, as they say, and survive. Or go home. From anyone else it would be unbelievable, but I suppose again you have to admire Saira's brass neck when she talks to the camera about how good a communicator she is! It's her bloody fault both teams are in the position they are now in! She just doesn't seem to see that, and for some reason her team doesn't talk to her about it, accuse her of making what was already a hard job ten times harder. Maybe they're afraid of her, or concerned that, should they lose, she'll bring it up at the Boardroom. Would be just like her.

Paul, having circumvented the ban on using the Spurs tannoy at the ground by buying a bullhorn (!) more or less then checks out. While the other two are busy working out the plan for the next day, the crucial day, matchday, he's playing snooker and taking a nap! A great example for a PM to set. Anyway it's mostly now down to fly posters, signs and flyers; why nobody thought to see the local radio station, or even TV station, or podcasters or the fan club, is a question I'm asking. But they haven't, and so it's a fairly basic push to try to notify the fans as they come into the stadium. I personally feel people on their way to a match with one of their hottest rivals are not going to be too bothered about a text system, but we'll see. First Forte have certainly been hard at work, as Impact see when they arrive at the stadium the next morning for the match. Tim is disheartened, calls their stand professional and his own "rubbish". Which, to be fair, it is. There's a world of difference between the two, and if anyone is going to see one, if one is going to attract attention it's the one made by Saira's team.

She's none too pleased when he starts taking down her posters in order to get his own up; theirs cover most of the stadium walls, so it's not really like he has a choice, but she is furious about him moving them. Mind you, Saira knows one thing about football: at least back when this was filmed, the majority of the fans are going to be male. And what do men love to see? Sexy girls. So she hires a troupe of models to drum up interest in their messaging system, and hopefully business for them. Paul has gone down the route of hiring people who are on a commission, so we'll see whose approach works best. It seems glamour girls may look sexy but they wouldn't know one end of a megaphone from the other, so Saira's assault on the incoming fans is delayed while she tries to train the girls on the thing, causing much mirth and a lot of gawking, but no sales as yet. Paul's people are already signing up fans, and now we learn he is in fact a Man United supporter, but is betraying his team just this once to pretend he's a Spurs fan. Hey, after all, the last thing you're going to do is work with the enemy, now is it? The only thing worse would be if he was an Arsenal fan!

Things aren't going well for Saira. She obviously has not thought this through. Having dolly birds is all well and good, but they need to know what they're doing, and she really doesn't have a clue how to motivate them. They're giggling and looking sort of embarrassed; this has to be a world removed from what they usually do for a living. Paul's team, on the other hand, are approaching people, getting them to take out their phones, showing them how to sign up, and making sure they do. Far better than just handing out flyers, a large percentage of which are going to end up crumpled on the ground around White Hart Lane, or in the bins.

[Trollheart]

The Boardroom

Predictably, Spurs lost, so Sir Alan is not in the greatest of moods when the teams return to the Boardroom. He also, I'm sure, will have to further deal with Saira's rudeness, which may have cost her team the task, and has certainly widened the divide between the ex-Spurs owner and the club. They won't be inviting him back again! And now, someone must pay. Although the reason for the restrictions being imposed on the teams by Tottenham are alluded to, Sir Alan doesn't seem to want to go into details, presumably well aware of who's to blame. Saira pretends she doesn't know what he's talking about and does not own up; her team also stay quiet. But when they lose, Impact beating them by more than twice as much, they know they're coming back and surely Saira is going to be in the firing line?

(As there are only three people left on each team, there's no point in doing "Return to the Boardroom". There won't be any difference between it and when the three come back, so we'll just stick with this).

And then there were three...
Sir Alan is no fool, and he knows all about the spat Saira had with Matt, so now is the time to bring it up, when it may very well be the reason behind why they lost. Sir Alan's own beef with Spurs does lead him to think they were just messing his teams around (which they may have been, in part) but he also is well-informed and quite aware that there was something more behind it. He's trying to get Saira to admit her mistake, but she never will. Saira doesn't think she ever makes mistakes, or that anyone is ever in the right but her. Again he asks each of the candidates to justify their remaining in the process, and both say Saira should be the one he fires. But she talks herself into remaining, and when it's pretty clear he no longer wants to be there anyway - and when he actually makes that shocking revelation to Sir Alan that he's not a sales person - the boss literally puts Raj out of his misery and he exits the process. Saira's card has been marked, though.

QUOTES

Tim (ardent Liverpool fan): "Tottenham? No! We couldn't be going to Tottenham! I'm not walking into Tottenham!"

Raj: "I think we found the Spurs representative we were dealing with very difficult throughout the day. Every time we came up with an idea - can we do this? No. Can we do this? No.  It was that sort of an approach from him."
(Sounds like Adele and Harrods all over again!)

James: "She [Saira] didn't read his [Matt] language in terms of what he was saying he could and would do, and I don't think she was particularly sensitive in the way that she worded the request."

(And here it is)

Saira: "If there is absolutely no way, I will take your word for it, and I will relay that back to Sir Alan when I'm in the Boardroom."
Mattt (Spurs rep): "I mean, forgive me, but your tone is getting a bit overly aggressive."
Saira (inappropriately laughing): "Sorry about that." (she's not)
Matt: "I know you're under pressure, but it's a very important day for us, and  I don't appreciate you getting on your high horse and "Sir Alan this" and "Sir Alan that" to me. You will not get any value out of me if you carry on that route."
(which led to)
Margaret: "Now, we've had the Spurs director of communications in touch with us and there are some new ground rules that you're going to have to get used to. First of all, the website is out of bounds. Obviously you can use it to inform yourselves about things but you cannot add anything to it, or have links with it or anything. Secondly, no Jumbotron and no tannoy - those are out of bounds. Thirdly, no use of the pitch, no painting on it, no banners above it. Now, subject to that, enthusiasm is fine, but when it turns into pushiness, which it can do, and that can lead into aggression and even rudeness, it is totally unacceptable."
(You go, Margaret! Slap them down!)

Matt: "When we received the phone call on the first evening with the slogan "F off to get your Spurs On", we just thought it was inappropriate. We started to have some question marks in our mind as to whether it was suitable to open up all of the communication channels at the club, such as the website, the big screens at the stadium and so forth, because the tone and the execution of some of the creative was a bit risque."

Tim: "The other team's stand was professionally done; it looked very slick, very colourful and it was done to a higher quality than our stand. Ours was, it was rubbish."
(Nothing like a bit of honesty in the face of diversity!)

Handyman to Saira: "Calm down love, you'll 'ave an 'eart attack!"

Raj: "I don't like selling. Selling is not my forte."
(Uh, where the hell do you think you are, son?)



Thoughts in the cab

Look, Raj speaks very rapidly and there are no subtitles, so I'm giving my best guess here. It doesn't really make sense but I've tried to get it five times. The guy just speaks in sort of rolling sentences in which the words are very hard to pick out individually. Also, fuck him.

Raj: "Overall it was Saira but you know what? I don't think she deserved for anyone to say that so I wasn't going to say it. I might have said it in a roundabout way but I'm lucky she stayed in, I'm glad she stayed in, she has shone but I'm happy for it to be me."

You're fired!
Name: Raj Dhonata
Age:
Occupation: My god there were a lot of grey men in this first series weren't there? Here's another one. A man who blended into the background so much he could probably make a good living as a chameleon, Raj was conspicuous by his absence in every task. Even - especially - when he led it. I've never seen anyone lose interest so quickly, to the point where it really was a case of take him out to the shed and put him out of his misery. He was a weak, colourless individual who seemed so submissive that anyone could walk over him, as Saira happily did, and the competition loses nothing by losing him.

Nevertheless, he made it after the show. Despite being bankrupt at 30, he came back from the brink and created a successful outsourcing company he sold for a seven-figure sum, and is now a millionaire. Got to hand it to him then I guess. Maybe he was right and he didn't need The Apprentice, which he later described as a "complete, total, utter waste of time."



First Forte: Saira was the most awful PM. Again. You'd think she'd have learned her lesson by now, but no, she's the same aggressive, arrogant, boorish and rude person she's been throughout. This week though, those chickens finally came home to roost, as she basically fucked with the wrong guy, and Matt made sure everyone paid, including the other team. She couldn't even take responsibility for her behaviour in the Boardroom. Dreadful.

PM Rating:

Impact:  You certainly could not call Paul a strong leader. On day one, he was full of ideas, bouncing around like a kid who had eaten a bag of sugar or someone who had drank six cups of coffee on the trot, but after the knockback thanks to Saira he seemed to get very deflated, and took a more relaxed, "fuck it" attitude towards managing his team, leaving them to get on with it while he sunk some pool balls.

PM rating:

May the best team win?

Impact had some great ideas, and though these were scuppered thanks to Saira (almost accidental or remote corporate espionage in a way) they had a more cohesive strategy as a Plan B, whereas Saira's was, oddly for a woman trying to succeed in business you would think, sex sells. But it doesn't sell itself, and that's where she fell seriously down, wasting time and faffing about with half-formed plans. Though First Forte had the stadium plastered in their high-quality notices, it was Impact's roll up your sleeves and get in there attitude that won them the task, so yes, the better team definitely won.


Sight adjustment?

While there's no question that Raj deserved to be fired - and wanted to be - I think Saira was very lucky to escape (see below) and I really think Sugar was thinking with his heart and not his head, seeing something in her that nobody else can. A bit like Paul; he probably sees something of himself in her. Though upsetting the client is going to have tested that kind of loyalty to her, and she could be for the chop. Should have gone this week though. Bad mistake. He could have got rid of Raj next week.

Adjustment required: 80%

Oops!

Biggest mistake of course was Saira trying to threaten Matt with Sir Alan. There are people you can push around, and then there are people who will push back even harder. She annoyed - almost insulted - someone who had the power to make not only her life harder and more miserable, but that of the other team too, and that's exactly what the Spurs man did, and who could blame him?

The one that got away

Well who do you think? Saira must have some feline DNA in her, as she has made some serious errors and escaped firing twice at least, but that can't last forever. She's a loose cannon who listens to and respects nobody, and you know what Sir Alan thinks about loose cannons.

[Trollheart]

Season one, episode eleven:
The Interviews

The penultimate episode is different, and revolves around a series of interviews. Having at this stage proven themselves worthy of being in the final four, each candidate is grilled by three of Sir Alan's top people. Their CVs are questioned, fact-checked and some padding revealed and challenged. Their personal lives are explored. The state of their current business - if they have one - is put under the microscope, and their business plans, submitted beforehand, almost literally torn apart. Everything is done to test each to their very limits, and more than one candidate over the years has been reduced to tears. Including the women. This is the hardest part for any candidate; there's no team, nobody else to blame, no time limit (as such). It's just them alone with each of Sir Alan's inquisitors, nowhere to hide, nowhere to run, no excuses accepted, no mistakes allowed, and no do-overs. At the end of the day, all three meet with Sir Alan to discuss their findings and to give him their impressions of each candidate. Then he invites them back to the Boardroom, where two are fired, leaving the two finalists to contest the last task, the one which will determine the winner.

The Task:

The remaining candidates are summoned to Sir Alan's office, where the three interviewers wait. They are Claude Littner, whom we will get to know very well, his executive troubleshooter, Bordan Tkachuk, CEO of Viglen (whatever that is), whom I think we won't see again, and Paul Kemsley, of Rock Investments, ditto. Saira, interviewed by Paul Kemsley, is told she is a liar, and he has the proof in her CV, where she says she changed dates to make herself look better, Paul's inability to control his temper comes up, and Tim's rather humble current job as a ticket agent in a railway station is also questioned. This is a chance for the candidates to push themselves, but they also have to defend certain things they have done, in business or in their personal lives, and to see if these failings or errors might rule them out of the running. It's a fine line to tread: they have to be confident but not arrogant, humble but not submissive, listen to criticism and decide whether to accept or contest it, and explain almost every decision they've ever made, good or bad. It's exhausting.


The Boardroom
The three interviewers confer with Sir Alan and give him their impressions. James, it seems, has not impressed: they think he's there for the cameras and the fame. He already earns a six-figure salary, so they can't work out why he wants to take a job which will pay him significantly less, and they find him aloof and, well, considering himself a cut above the rest, which we've seen. He's a nice guy, but he lives in a different world. Saira's loud, often aggressive manner gets taken to task; these are qualities which may make her unlikeable in an office environment. One thing the candidate will have to do is get on with everyone else there, and we've seen in no uncertain terms this is not something Saira does well. It really is her way or no way, and that may not go down well with already established staff members. She's dismissed as just a salesperson.

Tim's lack of experience is questioned, but he seems to have got the nod otherwise from most of the interviewers, while Paul seems to have had the opposite effect. Too aggressive, too confrontational, and since he has a very successful and lucrative property portfolio, the reasons behind his wanting this job are very much questioned. His arrogance, too, in basically saying that he believes Sir Alan needs him, hurts his chances. It is interesting how the three interviewers don't agree: Hemsley thinks it should be Tim, Littner fancies James as the best candidate and Nick and Margaret go for Saira. They are all agreed though that it's not Paul. Nevertheless, as ever, it will be Sir Alan who makes the final decision.

Return to the Boardroom

Both James and Paul are asked to justify their reasons for being there, since they are both already rich and successful. I can't honestly say their replies satisfy Sir Alan, who seems to think in Paul's case it's ludicrous to work for yourself and make a fortune, and then want to go as he sees it backwards, and work for someone else. Tim's lack of experience is brought up, as is Saira's lack of control over her temper. Things begin to swing in Tim's direction though when Sir Alan says he's proud of him, as a fellow East End boy, whose mother brought up her three children alone, working three jobs. He seems impressed, and leaning towards him. Of course, you never know with Sir Alan: he can be 99 percent sure and then suddenly do a complete 180 and throw off your calculations, and when you thought you were safe, you find yourself sitting in the back of a black London cab, as Miriam discovered last week.

But this time he does choose Tim as one of the finalists, he lets James go, as he's not convinced he'll commit to his cause, and of the remaining three, he has a real go at Paul about his arrogant claim that he won't be learning from Sir Alan if he chooses him, he'll be coming there to help him; that any problems the mogul can't sort out for himself he will be looking to Paul to fix. This seems to have really annoyed him, especially as he is probably now wondering if he was right to give him a chance and leave him in the process. He's looking at that decision now, and asking himself if he was thinking with his heart and not his head. Even after he's fired the little fucker won't shut up, asking why he's been criticised so much. My god he is arrogant.

Well, that leaves two, so Saira and Tim will fight it out next week in the final task, after which one of them will be the Apprentice.


QUOTES

Sir Alan: "This whole process has never ever been a joke, as far as I'm concerned, and I don't want any of you to think  that I personally am going to be persuaded by what television companies and production companies want to see, and want to hear, in choosing the person that's going to come and work for me. Okay? Get that right in your heads. Get it right in your heads, because I mean it. Because seriously, there's a job here for somebody, okay? And you might have thought, throughout the course of this exercise that it has been a bit of a game, and I can understand you having those feelings, but look at me - look in my eyes. I'm telling you that I don't give a monkey's about what they think. I don't listen to what they tell me, and I don't listen to what any television company tells me to do. I'm looking for somebody to work for me: serious, dead serious."

(This speech is not really aimed at the candidates - though partially, it is. It's mostly a broadside against the BBC and the production company, where Sir Alan is saying you may view this as entertainment, but for me, it's damned serious, and I won't be told who to choose. I don't care whether a specific demographic suits the BBC better or not. I'll choose who I think is the best, not who I'm told I should or must choose. In this, he's probably putting down a marker, saying I'm a maverick, I won't be controlled, but you know and I know this show is already a hit in America and it's going to be even bigger here, so if you want me, then you get me on my terms and mine alone. Otherwise I can go over to the other side.)

Paul: "If I were Sir Alan, I would employ me."

Bordan Nunchuk sorry Tkachuk: "I'm a bit confused. I thought the name of the programme was The Apprentice. I thought you were coming here to learn."
Paul: "In that case, why doesn't he get some spotty-faced teenager, some 17-year old off the street, rather than someone who's 34 years old?"



Thoughts in the cab

James: "I gave it my best shot. In a sense, I think it's slightly disappointing that people didn't break through perhaps that perception of me and my aspirations. Maybe he just thought I wasn't right personality-wise for him or his team, and I respect that."

Paul: "Yes, sometimes I am tough in my approach, but I definitely don't see it as being aggressive, and a good salesman, a good entrepreneur and a good businessman has to be aggressive. Sir Alan never made his £700 million fortune by being soft, and when he said to me in one or two Boardrooms that there are elements within me that he saw many years ago in himself, so I thought well that's going to stand me in good stead; it shows him that I am built of the same kind of stuff. But obviously that didn't count for shit really, because he fired me.


You're fired!
Name: James Max
Age:
Occupation: Investment banker

James was the nice guy, the toff of the group. He was clearly born after his time; you could see him sitting on a horse hunting foxes with the rest of the squires, or attending royal galas, maybe meeting fellow moguls at the Stock Exchange. In fairness, he was never condescending or talked down to the others, but you could see he was out of his comfort zone living with them. He was very polite, very gentille, and not the sort of man to push a negotiation into rudeness, something that did not bother Saira, or some of the others. He went on to be head of PR for a property investment website, and does business radio shows in his spare time on LBC.

Name: Paul Torrisi
Age: 34
Occupation: Property developer

Paul's arrogance and his failure to keep his temper in check meant that he almost essentially talked himself out of the job. Sir Alan seemed to be keeping him in despite these failings, seeing something of himself in him, but when all of his advisors and interviewers said the same thing about Paul, he could no longer fool himself and had to put on his business head, firing Paul. Showing that he was pretty enamoured by him though, Sir Alan later offered him a job running his airline Amsair, but Paul turned it down. Arrogance again, you see. He continues to be a successful and very rich property owner, and has also had something of a television career.