Eurovision Hell

[Trollheart]

Ah, Eurovision! Was there ever a more pointless competition (other than The X-Factor, of course!)? Every nation fights to compete, even holding trials within each country themselves to select the song to go forth and represent them, and whoever wins has the dubious honour of hosting the next year's contest. No prize, no real fame* to speak of, no recording contract. Most Eurovision winners, let alone entrants, fade very quickly into the mists of musical history, although of course there have been a few notable exceptions, who have gone on to carve out a successful musical career on the back of their Eurovision victory. They are, though, very much in the minority.

I think the best comment on Eurovision was in the Father Ted episode "A Song for Europe", where Ted's arch-enemy, Fr. Dick Byrne, is flabberghasted to find that his much superior entry has lost out to Ted's awful, one-note-one-chord "My Lovely Horse", and when he suggests the contest is obviously a fix, he is asked why would the organisers allow a far inferior song to go forward and represent Ireland? He rather haltingly suggests that maybe Ireland, having won the last two times, can't afford to host it again and so wants to send such a dire entry forward that they will have no chance of winning!

Okay, it's comedy, but there's a kernel of possible truth in there. For most countries, hosting the Eurovision is more trouble than it's worth. It's a huge headache, logistically, politically and most of all financially, and there are few if any rewards, apart from the "prestige" of staging the event. Sure, it's good for the tourist industry of the country in question, but it's not like the European Championships or the World Cup, where the hosting country has the sudden influx of thousands upon thousands of fans from every country, bringing all their lovely disposable income with them! No-one** travels to the Eurovision; everyone watches it on telly at home. So where's the point?

This is a question, of course, debated by men much more learned than I, and I will not attempt to unravel the mystery in these pages. Rather, this section is being opened to highlight some of the truly awful songs that featured in previous Eurovisions. Some were even winners! And just in case anyone thinks I'm bashing any particular country, my own little island will not escape my scathing satire, you may be sure of that. We have had some woeful entries, and the harsh spotlight of scorn will be shone with its fullest intensity on those, mark my words!

But to start this off, here's a good one from all the way back in 1974. Don't ask me how it did, but I somehow doubt it won. Paulo de Carvalho (never heard of him? Not surprised...) singing Portugal's entry, "E depois de adeus", which apparently means "and after goodbye". Perhaps he should have stuck in a comma before "goodbye"...! Hey, let's be honest: I don't know the guy. Maybe he was big in Portugal, who knows? But this song is typical of the kind of sub-cabaret tripe they used to trot out every year for this contest, though in fairness, they haven't got much better these days. Enjoy!

1974 - Portugal - "E depois de adeus" by Paulo de Carvalho

* ABBA? Never 'eard of 'em, mate!


** Well, I don't know. Maybe people do, but not in huge numbers.

[Trollheart]

Going all the way back to the year of my birth (what a wonderful year, eh?), and a song from Denmark, sung by Grethe and Jorgen Ingmann, called "Danesvise" (I would hazard it's something like dancer or dancing, but my Danish isn't up to scratch I'm afraid!), which was actually the winner of the 1963 competition.

Sounds like something you'd hear Lili Marlene sing in a seedy World War II German nightclub, is what I think! Oh well, it obviously got the most votes so they must have thought it was good. At least the guy on the guitar - Jorgen I presume - seems to be enjoying himself!

1963 - Denmark - "Danesvise" by Grethe and Jorgen Ingmann (Winner!)

[Buck_Mulligan]

Are you entering yourself this year? I'm sure most/some people on SCD would support you!

[Trollheart]

I'm afraid they removed the "Sarcastic Irish Cunt" category some time ago, so no. 

[Guybrush]

My favourite silly Eurovision song is Euro Neuro by Rambo Amadeus from Montenegro. The year was 2012 and the song didn't quite reach the finals.

I wonder why 🤔 Still, it lives on on youtube and occasionally in my brain.

[Trollheart]

If it seems somewhat insensitive to poke fun at a country at war, let me tell you, if Gaza had an entry into the Eurovision I'd slag it off. There's no harm in it, after all, and like they say, it's all good clean fun. To really paraphrase Jim Morrison metaphorically, nobody here gets out alive. Consider it a European roast, where nobody is safe.

Somewhat more up to date with this one, just to prove that Eurovison hasn't improved with the passage of time, here we have Ukraine's entry for 2009, a lady who thinks she's Cher, Madonna, Britney Spears and Lady Gaga all rolled into one unholy entity, with a song so bad even Rhianna might (might!) turn it down were it to be offered to her for her next album, Making Money with My Body, Vol IX!

I guess you'd have to say they're only relatively recent entrants to the contest, as they only achieved their independence after the breakup of the Soviet Union, and they obviously wanted to make a splash. Well, they certainly did that. If theatre was one of the criteria for the Eurovision (it isn't?) then this performance would have gone a long way towards gaining the former Soviet republic their first victory. Oh, sorry, their second. Apparently they won in 2004, the second year they entered. Well, sue me. I'm not a fan of Eurovision, just a fan of making fun of it!

Mind you, she can play the drums pretty well, can't she? And at least she looks sexy! Don't quite know what's going on with those dancers dressed as Roman soldiers, though. Still, gotta envy that guy at 2:06!

Anyhow, this is their entry for the 2009 contest. It came twelfth, but at least it's in English!


2009 - Ukraine - "Be My Valentine! (Anti-crisis Girl)" by Svetlana Lobada