Excellent! All About Burns

[Trollheart]

There is a man, a certain man, a man whose grace and handsome face are known across the land.
You know his name:
It's Mr. Burns!

Yes, time I dedicated a journal exclusively to Springfield's oldest resident, the man who keeps the kind of grip on his monopoly on power that people like Elon Musk envy, the man who answered the question "cause of parents' deaths?" with "Got in my way!" The villain of the piece, but often the one who adds the sparkle to an otherwise dull episode. I've said it before and I'll say it again: an episode with, or centring around Mr. Burns is seldom anything but great, often in his own words, excellent.

In this journal, as if you needed to be told, I'll be looking at all aspects of the old miser who keeps his employees (and visitors to Burns Manor) in line via that time-honoured tradition: release the hounds! I'll be looking not only at the episodes featuring him, and asking if he indeed was the best thing in each, if he contributed well or was merely used as the prop to hang sight-gags and one-liners on, but also looking at how he's progressed, or in his case perhaps regressed might be a better word, throughout the course of the thirty-odd seasons we've had so far.

Burns was one of the original characters, and appeared in the first ever episode, though to be fair he was more a device in this, the cruel boss who refused to give his employees a bonus at Christmas, necessitating Homer having to take a part-time job as a mall Santa. He's really only in that episode in one scene, and yet, without that, without him, without his Scrooge-like tight-fistedness at the season of giving, the whole raison d'etre of the episode would have been lost. So certainly, though he's barely in the episode, it needs him, he drives it, if only from - as he would no doubt prefer - the shadows, the puppet-master making the little people dance, their plight a direct consequence of his heartless treatment of them.

Rather than synopsise the episodes he's in (I may do so with some, haven't yet decided) I plan to just talk about how he influences each one he's associated with, how it gains or - very occasionally - loses from his contribution.

But that's not all.

I'll also be doing a deep dive into the man behind the miser, looking at his childhood (what we know of it anyway), his outlook on the world, his influence on Springfield and of course how he affects the people around him. And of course we'll be checking his one and only friend/flunky, Waylon Smithers out too.

"To his friends he's Monty, but to you he's Mr. Burns!"

[Trollheart]

Episode title: "Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire"
Season: 1
General premise: Homer gets no Christmas bonus, and has to take a job as a mall Santa
Main character(s): Homer, Bart
The Burns Factor: 2
Remarks/quotes/catchphrases used: None
Things we learned about Mr. Burns: As this is the first time we meet him, we learn he is a mean boss. He looks after his management but cares little for what he calls "semi-skilled workers". Odd how you can be semi-skilled and work in a nuclear plant! We also meet his sidekick/flunky/sycophant Waylon Smithers, though not by name and not by face; we merely hear his voice on the tannoy before Burns makes his unwelcome announcement.
Did Mr. Burns live up to his evil reputation? Yes
Could this episode have been made without Burns? No

A quick note, though I'm sure if you know me you don't need it by now. "The Burns Factor" above runs from 1, in which he appears in a crowd but has not even a line, to 10, in which the episode is centred around him. "The Burns Effect", at the end, is a reflection of how much influence Burns had on the episode, even if he was not in it much. In other words, how would the episode have fared had Burns not been in it?

As explained above, this is an episode that, though he's barely in it, uses Burns as the plot device to drive the whole thing. Homer has no interest in being a mall Santa, but is pushed into this humiliating job (remember, good old Gil did this for a living!) by the circumstances engendered when Burns announces - and for no good reason - that there will be no Christmas bonuses this year. Marge, having spent their savings to extricate Bart from one of his usual stunts (in this case, getting a tattoo), is reliant upon his bonus, and Homer, though he may be a slob, is at this point not an inconsiderate one, and wishes to spare her the pain and indignity of knowing they can't afford Christmas this year, so he does all this on the sly.

As usual though (even though this is the first episode) Homer's plans come to nothing, and so he finds himself at the race track with Bart, which is where they end up finding the dog who will be their pet, Santa's Little Helper. So without Burns making life difficult for them, the Simpsons would not have a dog, which shows how much of an effect on the family Burns' miserliness has. Therefore pretty much everything - bar Bart's tattoo - that happens in the episode is a direct consequence of the poor treatment Homer has received at the hands of his boss. There would, quite literally, be no story without that obstacle at the beginning to be overcome.

The Burns Effect: 10

[Trollheart]

Episode title: "Homer's Odyssey"
Season: 1
General premise: Homer causes an accident at work and gets fired, then goes on a safety crusade, which ends up making him so popular that Burns not only gives him his job back, but promotes him to Safety Inspector.
Main character(s): Homer
The Burns Factor: 3
Remarks/quotes/catchphrases used: "Who is that man?" Though he directs this question towards Smithers, he does not use his name. In fact, at this point I don't think Smithers is named at all. This will, however, become a running gag, as Burns constantly forgets Homer's name, despite having multiple interactions with him.

"Excellent!" Burns uses his trademark catchphrase here for the first time.

"Get to work!" Another thing he will say often, usually, though not always, to Homer.
Things we learn about Mr. Burns: He knows which way the wind blows, and when to cut off trouble before it causes him a headache. In promoting Homer to Safety Inspector, he demands his employee give up his safety crusade against the plant. As above, we also learn that he for some reason cannot remember Homer's name, though later we will find out that he has no such issues with any other workers. We see Burns' office for the first time (originally it was just a close-up of him on the announcer) and see the standing stuffed grizzly bear that will become a fixture, so to speak, of his office. Also the picture on the wall, the picture of him. It's the very first time he uses his trademark catchphrase "Excellent". Also the first of very few times he uses Homer's first name. Interestingly (and I did not know this), the voice we came to love and hate as that of the tyrannical plant owner was not used until season 2, when Harry Shearer took over from Christopher Collins, who here voices Burns. Collins passed away in 1994. There is a slight difference in the voice, but whether Shearer tried to pay  homage to/emulate Collins or not, his was the voice we came to identify with Burns, and always will. Shearer does voice Smithers, as below.

Trivia: Smithers, as I say, is not named here, even though he takes up more of the episode than his boss does. He's also black, which Matt Groening says was an error they had not the money to correct. He is voiced, as he will be up to this day, by Harry Shearer, who would eventually take over the voice of his boss too. In this episode, Smithers and Burns are only shown together once, and there is, at this point, no indication that they are anything other than boss and employee, with Smithers failing to show any of his trademark unrequited affection towards his boss.
Did Mr. Burns live up to his evil reputation? No, not really. He didn't fire Homer (Sherri and Terri's dad did, though he's never heard from again after this, nor mentioned, so far as I know) and even went so far as to make it possible for him to be rehired, even if he had very much ulterior motives for doing so.
Could this episode have been made without Burns? Yes it probably could. Although Burns is the "brain" behind the idea to channel Homer's newfound interest in safety and thereby put him in charge of safety for the plant, you could just as easily see Smithers doing this, or it coming about via a letter from Burns. So the episode does not rely heavily on Burns, and this time he's more a bit player who frets and struts his hour on the stage, and is heard no more. At least, not in this episode.

The Burns Effect: 1

[Trollheart]

Episode title: "There's No Disgrace Like Home"
Season: 1
General premise: After attending the annual nuclear plant picnic, Homer is less than happy with how his family behaves, and so suggests that they attend therapy to try to sort out their aggression and be better as a family.
Main character(s): Homer, Bart, Marge, Lisa, Maggie
The Burns Factor: 5
Remarks/quotes/catchphrases used: "Excellent".

"Oh, for the love of Peter!" Burns tends to use normal phrases but not use abbreviations, so where we would say "for the love of Pete!" he says Peter.

"Cease that infernal tootling!" This isn't quite a catchphrase, but he will use it, or variations of it, to show how impatient he is with musicians, even if they are playing to honour him.

The first mention is made of the hounds being released, in addition to being Burns' way of routing troublemakers, this is also used as a method of clearing his grounds. When Burns says "release the hounds", the party is over!

Oddly to me, given what I wrote and read earlier, I see Burns is voiced here by the man who would become synonymous with him, Harry Shearer. Quite what happened to Collins I don't know, but perhaps I'll find out.

Things we learn about Mr. Burns: That, not surprisingly, he lives in a mansion, which is called Burns Manor, and we see on the high spiked gates before the house a sign: Poachers will be shot! We also learn that once a year Burns holds a family picnic for his employees, attendance is mandatory. We see the interior of Burns Manor, suitably opulent with chamber music playing (though we will learn this is not always the case, and is perhaps Burns showing off his lavish lifestyle to the "grunts" who work for him). We see too that he has to be prompted, like the President meeting dignitaries, by Smithers as to the names of his employees and their families, with handy flash cards bearing notes of interest.

Homer's sycophancy comes out here: when Burns misreads Bart's name and calls him Brat, the kid corrects him but Homer tells him not to, calling him Brat. Anything to butter up the boss, eh? Burns is not the greatest sportsman - at his age, how could he be? - but that doesn't stop him from wanting to win all the games, cheating at them but even so almost being beaten by Bart, who is only stopped showing up his father by Homer's desperate lunge before Burns hops over the finish line.
Did Mr. Burns live up to his evil reputation? Oh yes indeed. When one of his employees argues with his child on entrance, he smiles and says nothing, but tells Smithers to fire the man. Yup, that's the kind of boss he is: have someone do your dirty work, and do it behind the back of the person you're firing. He also flip-flops, or, as he says himself in a later episode, has a trademark change of heart, when, observing one family being all nice to each other, approves, and predicts promotion in the father's future, but when Homer tries it, clearly bribing Bart to pretend he loves him, Burns sees through it and is disgusted.
Could this episode have been made without Burns? No. Although the picnic only takes up half of it, the idea of people being proper families at it is what convinces Homer to try to improve his. This is a rare occasion when Homer is the one who wants to make things better; usually, and mostly from now on, he will accept, even like the way things are, and it will be Marge who is constantly hassling him to change. But be that as it may, this new attitude would not have come about in Homer without his having gone to the picnic, so it sort of sets up the rest of the episode.

The Burns Effect: 6

[Trollheart]

Episode title: "Simpson and Delilah"
Season: 2
General premise: Homer uses his medical insurance to charge a course of a hair regrowth serum to the company, and Mr. Burns sees him in a whole new light. For a while.
Main character(s): Homer
The Burns Factor: 8
Remarks/quotes/catchphrases used: "Morons! Stealing all my money!" This is the first instance used of this general phrase, where Burns laments and is angry about having to pay his staff, whom he sees as lazy and useless (and most are, to be fair), but soon he adds made-up or archaic words such as "lollygaggers", "jackanapes" and "noodleheads".

"Simpson, eh?" Usually said with the idea that this is the first time he has heard of the man.

"Bring him to me!" Said in a commanding, imperious manner, as if he is a king ordering a commoner into his august presence.

"What in blazes...?" Burns uses this a lot, often adding "blue" before it.

"Excellent", though said without his usual glee, just off-handedly, as in, that'll do.

"Blast his hide to Hades!" One of Mr. Burns' favourite epithets.

Trivia: Smithers is now white, when we meet him again, and has a name. Isn't it odd that, given hoe important he became to the series,  it's been a whole ten episodes since we've heard from Burns? And where you find Burns, can Smithers be far behind?
Things we learn about Mr. Burns: That he regularly spies on his employees through a system of closed-circuit cameras (which I doubt any of them know about) and bemoans their uselessness. We also learn that though he is very old, Burns' baldness started when he was quite young, and is not a result of his age. We see Burns for the first time at the boardroom table, lambasting his managers for having no ideas of their own. We also see his by-now-trademark evil grin, and we hear his theme, that dark, ominous, almost Darth Vader music that accompanies most if not all of his appearances. Here Burns does, if I don't miss my guess, his first "tenting" of the fingers, usually accompanied by his trademark "Excellent", though not here. This is the first time thunder and lightning strike, illuminating Mr. Burns at his desk, giving him an even more evil aspect. Though it's later countermanded in other episodes, and he may be lying, Burns tells Homer he is in fact only 81. Well, if he is, he looks every year of it.
Did Mr. Burns live up to his evil reputation? You'd have to say no. In fact, he showed surprising compassion, having suffered from early onset baldness, and so can sympathise with Homer.
Could this episode have been made without Burns? No. The whole episode is centred around the power plant and Homer's transformation from a lazy slob working a dead-end job into a young go-getter, and this change is fuelled by Burns picking him out and deciding he is "a lump of unspoiled clay, which I can mould in my own image."

The Burns Effect: 5

[Trollheart]

Episode title: "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"
Season: 2
General premise: Mr. Burns, worried about the governor's investigation of code violations at the plant, campaigns to run for Governor of Springfield himself.
Main character(s): Mr. Burns (and to a smaller extent, for once, Homer)
The Burns Factor: 10
Remarks/quotes/catchphrases used: Burns: "Why are my teeth showing like that?"
Campaign manager: "Because you're smiling!"
Burns: "Ah! Excellent! This is exactly the kind of trickery I'm paying you for!"

Campaign manager: "Now remember to smile."
Burns: "I am smiling!"
Manager: "You'll have to do better than that!" (Burns makes conscious effort) "There ya go!"
Burns: "I'm going to be sore tomorrow!"

Burns (not realising the cameras are rolling and he's live on air): "Don't worry. By the time this paid political advert is done, every Johnny Lunchpail in this stupid state will be eating out of my hand!"

Song: "Only a moron wouldn't cast his vote for Monty Burns!"

Campaign manager: "Congratulations Mister Burns! The latest polls show you're up six points!"
Burns: "Ah! Giving me a total of?"
Manager: "Six!"

Campaign manager, to Simpsons: "Mr. Burns wants you to appear very affectionate to him, but he must remind you, he hates being touched."

Burns: "Wait! Come back! You can't do this to me! I'm Charles Montgomery Burns!" (This will be his battlecry many times when he doesn't get his way).

Burns: "Smithers, take me home. We'll destroy something of quality!"

Burns: "Ironic, isn't it, Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one going to jail! That's democracy for you!"
Smithers: "You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir."

Burns: "Simpson, I shall make it the focus of my remaining years that your dreams shall go unfulfilled!"

Burns uses the phrase "Joe Sixpack" as well as "Eddie Punchclock", "Johnny Lunchpail" and "Sally Housecook", to show exactly how little he thinks of the "ordinary folk".
Trivia: The three-eyed fish, Blinky, is in the opening credits, and will pop up again. It is the first real time the show tackles the idea of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant poisoning the water and causing mutations.
Good scenes: The "think-tank" who assemble in Burns' boardroom to show him how they will change his image, and that of Governor Bailey, against whom he's running.

Burns' paid political announcement, addressing the subject of Blinky, the three-eyed fish, and his "actor portraying Charles Darwin".

Burns hitting out at a pinata, but too weak to break it. It rocks back and knocks him down.

Burns trying to wreck the Simpsons' house, but again too weak and has to order Smithers to tip something over.

Things we learn about Mr. Burns: Although he says he has no affection for Smithers, and treats him as a lackey, this has to be the first time we see the closeness, at least on Waylon's part. When the Nuclear Regulatory Commission turn up to spot-check his plant, he shrinks and says "Hold me, Smithers." His flunky is of course only too happy to oblige, but to be fair to him, seems to take no pleasure from the contact, perhaps worrying about the trouble his boss is going to be in when the inspection is through. Burns is of course not above trying to bribe the inspectors, though this gets him into even more trouble. Although Smithers is far younger and fitter than his boss, he quails when Burns yells at him and squeaks "Please don't hit me, Mr. Burns." The miser retorts sadly "Oh, that I had the strength to take it out on you, Smithers." He then turns his chair away from the desk, looking out the window, as he will often do, either when in thought, in crisis, or occasionally to actually monitor something happening outside.

This is the first time, and one of the only ones where Burns is drunk (I'm not even sure if he drinks after this at all) and when he is later leaving the plant than his workers. In a later episode, Carl and Lenny and Homer watch him prepare to leave, anxiously aware that they can't go until he does. It's the first time we see him wax lyrical, sentimental and sad about his power plant, the main time being of course when he later sells it to Germans, then realises he can't live without it. Rather like Captain Kirk, he needs his factory to give him purpose; it is his Enterprise, in more ways than one. First time we see Burns in his limousine (think it's a Daimler?) and in his specially reserved parking space. Actually, from what I know of later episodes, Burns doesn't or can't drive (or maybe he just thinks it's beneath him), and needs Smithers to be his chauffeur. So where is the lickspittle? I believe this is one of the very few times we see Burns cry, even if they are tears brought on by the booze.

A very clever idea, to have Burns use his money and power to run for governor and so control the state. This is the first "real" Burns episode. It's entirely centred around him, there is no subplot, and really, other than the opening scene where Bart and Lisa catch the three-eyed fish, there's little for any of the Simpsons to do. Burns is the main character, and carries the whole episode. It truly is a Burns world. I would say this is the episode in which he moved from being a sort of bit-player, orchestrating situations which put Homer in a bind, to being centre stage in his own play, with the entire plot written for and revolving around him. No longer is he just the almost anonymous mean boss; now he's a character in his own right, and will grow to be one of the most central, almost an honorary Simpson himself.

Did Mr. Burns live up to his evil reputation? Yes he did. He tried to destroy the reputation of the sitting governor with tricks and innuendo and muck-raking (and nearly succeeded), he tried to bribe the nuclear inspector, and when things did not go his way and his election bid collapsed, he took it out on the Simpsons, in whose house he was a guest. As the English say, what a cad! He also made a not-so-veiled threat to show Homer that he would never forget this (although it seems he does, to the point where he is constantly asking who Homer is).
Could this episode have been made without Burns? Not a hope. It's entirely Burns-centric, the first episode to be, as the title of my journal says, all about Burns.

The Burns Effect: 10

[Trollheart]

Episode title: "Bart Gets Hit By a Car"
Season: 2
General premise: Mr. Burns runs Bart down, and Lionel Hutz encourages Homer and Marge to sue him.
Main character(s): Bart, Homer, Mr. Burns
The Burns Factor: 8
Remarks/quotes/catchphrases used:

Burns's lead lawyer: "Your Honour, my client has instructed me to remind the court how rich and important he is, and that he is not as other men."
Burns: "I should be able to run over as many kids as I want!"

The Judge: "Mr. Burns, I must warn you that if you continue to disrupt the court in this way, I will have to cite you for contempt!"
Burns: "You wouldn't dare!"
Judge: "Well... no, I guess I wouldn't."

Burns' account of the accident in court: "Oh it was a beautiful day! The sun was shining. I was driving to the orphanage to pass out toys. Suddenly, that incorrigible Simpson boy darted in front of me. (His narration turns to a replay of the accident)
Burns: "Oh my goodness! Look what's happened!"
Smithers (in his story): "Oh it's not important, sir. Let's drive on."
Burns: "Why, you despicable, cold-blooded monster! Regardless of what you think, we must summon help, and comfort the dear boy until an ambulance arrives." (Cries to the sky) "No! Take me! I'm old!"
(Back to the court) "What are you looking at me like that for? You believed his (Bart's) cock-and-bull story!"

Burns (to lawyers): "They hate me? What trial were you watching? Hang your heads in shame, you overpriced, under brained glorified notary publics! Just get that big ape to my house tonight and we'll buy him off with a banana or two!"

Marge: "I didn't know you liked animals."
Burns: "Oh I don't like everything about them: only their heads."

Burns: "Smithers! Let's go powder my nose!"

Good scenes: Although he has been in his house, eaten dinner (so to speak) with his family and although it was his idea for Burns to run for governor (and despite his threat when that bid failed due to Marge) Burns acts as if he has never before seen Homer, and greets him with "Simpson! At last we meet!" It's not lost on us (though possibly is lost on Homer) that he meets him to hammer out the details of the meagre settlement with a crowd of his lawyers present.

Two examples of Burns' physical weakness: when he has to struggle to push down the lever on the cheque-cutting machine, and when he can't, for the life of him, crush a simple paper cup (though it looks and sounds like plastic). He does manage it, with a real effort.

Funny how when Burns retells the accident as he relates it, Smithers and he are driving in a pink hippy-like VW bug, and not his dark limo! Also how he switches roles, making it out it was Smithers who wanted to forget all about it and leave Bart there, and that he, Burns, insisted they summon help. Smithers does not look pleased!

As they observe Marge and Homer through the eye-holes cut in the big painting, Burns is watching them through what are basically his own eyes while Smithers, quite appropriately, is viewing them through those of the dog at his feet. It's also not lost on me that Smithers is bending over, in order to be able to look, and he's in a position that I'm sure he wishes Mr. Burns would... but enough of this smut. Let's get back to the story before this thought goes places it should not and cheapens this journal. Any more than it's been cheapened already, anyway.

The hounds are released! I think this is the first time we actually see the hounds, who have been threatened before, but never actually been on screen.

Trivia: In Bart's (read, Hutz's) retelling of the incident, Smithers uses the hood ornament of Burns' car as a gunsight to zero in on Bart. This refers - whether they mean it or know of it or not - back to an old joke about a hitch-hiker (insert your own version of ignoramus, but we use a Kerryman or a knacker/tinker) who is told that's what the hood ornament is for.

Things we learn about Mr. Burns: Being very rich, he can and does hire the most expensive and therefore best lawyers he can afford. He's also able to see, as I said before, how the wind is blowing, and when the court case is clearly going against him, offers Homer a settlement. We learn he can spin quite a story (though it's probably put together by his legal team) in which he is the injured party, a sort of version of "honest judge! He just kept headbutting my boot!" Unsurprisingly, nobody believes his version of events.

Did Mr. Burns live up to his evil reputation? Yes, very much so. When he runs Bart over, and Smithers is concerned and rushes to the child's aid, Burns simply wants to leave a note and get on: he has places to be! Sort of recalls the Count in Dickens' A Tale of Two Cities who, having crushed a peasant child, wants to know who will pay for the damage to his horse? When he thinks he'll get away with a quick settlement he cuts Homer a cheque for 100 dollars, and when Homer is less than impressed, he accuses him of extortion, and tells him he'll get nothing. He also releases the hounds on Homer and Marge when it's clear he has an ace in the hole and will now win the case.

Could this episode have been made without Burns? No. Bart could have been run over by someone else, but that would have been a simple settlement in or out of court. Burns' determination to humiliate Homer in court is something only he would do. Although in essence, the main takeaway here is not to pad out your story in the hopes of winning big, not necessarily what you might expect, that rich men can buy all the justice they want. Until Homer's scheme with Dr. Nick is revealed by Marge, the case was going their way.

The Burns Effect: 7