Trollheart's Christmas Media Megathread (Incorporating The Scroogedown)

[Trollheart]

Okay, it can no longer be avoided. And this time, you're getting more than one of

Kicking off with a very bad idea: words to chill the heart and send strong men running for cover...

Country Christmas Party - Various Artists - 2000 (Planet Song)

Yeah, I know Country music has its detractors, and is well placed to be the butt of many a joke about farmers, hicks and steel pedal guitars, but come on! This has got to set their cause back by fifty years at least! You have the likes of John Denver singing "Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer", accompanied by a very annoying children's choir, Charley Pride crooning about "Christmas in my town", and Gene Autry, "the Singing Cowboy" himself, belting out a cracked version of "Frosty the snowman"! And that's without enduring "The 12 days of Christmas" in the company of the Nashville Session Singers, listening to Liberace (Liberace?) doing "The little drummer boy" STOP IT (wasn't he a pianist? Oh, right: it's an instrumental piano version. Of course!) while Glen Campbell wishes you should "Have yourself a merry little Christmas". Not bloody likely, Glen!

Even the class acts get roped in, with Crystal Gayle, one of the first ladies of Country, contributing a song called "What child is this?" set to the air of "Greensleeves" (must admit, it's quite nice), Lynn Anderson giving her rendition of "Joy to the world" and even the mighty Johnny Cash drawling "Hark the herald angels sing". Oh yeah, and Charley Pride, not content with the one contribution, has to pop up near the end for an encore with "O little town of Bethlehem". O dear, say I!

Now, before anyone asks "Well have you actually listened to this album before damning it?" I check and see my ears are still attached and functioning, and I say no, not all the way. I've sampled some of the albums in this list; listened to a few tracks, as many as I could bear, but in the end they're essentially the same material, perhaps with the odd slant on one or two, but generally they're the Christmas songs, carols and hits we all know and either love or loathe.

Sure, there will be the odd original composition, and in those cases I'll lend them an ear, but otherwise it's just a quick hop-skip-and-a-jump through these albums to get a feel for them.  How then do I feel justified in criticising something I haven't bothered to listen to? To that I say, it's Christmas, it's a bit of fun, and I don't have the time or desire to actually listen to all of the music here. I'm happy just to slag it off. You have a problem with that, here's a linkGoogle Image Result for http://dorrys.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/flip-the-bird1.jpg you can use...

(Don't worry, Country fans: I'm sure there's a "Metal's Greatest Christmas Hits" in there somewhere too, and if so it'll be getting just such a pasting. You are not alone!)

TRACKLISTING

1. Hark! The herald angels sing (Johnny Cash)
2. Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer (John Denver)
3. Virgin Mary (Lonnie Donegan)
4. Christmas in my home town (Charley Pride)
5. I heard the bells on Christmas (Eddy Arnold)
6. Holy night (Ronnie Milsap)
7. The twelve days of Christmas (The Nashville Session Singers)
8. Frosty the snowman (Gene Autry)
9. I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus (Bobby Sherman)
10. Christmas lullaby (Melanie)
11. The little drummer boy (Liberace)
12. Have yourself a merry little Christmas (Glen Campbell)
13. Jingle bells (Pat Boone)
14. Pretty paper (Willie Nelson)
15. What child is this (Crystal Gayle)
16. Joy to the world (Lynn Anderson)
17. O little town of Bethlehem (Charley Pride)
18. Sing we Noel (The Kingston Trio)

[Trollheart]

Christmas in Gracelands - All American Karaoke - 2010 (Conway International)

I can't think of anywhere I'd like to be less. You know when people say "I'm a huge Elvis fan"? Well, I don't say that. Elvis has never appealed to me, and as for karaoke: well, give me a choice between the two Japanese "art forms", as it were, and I'd be climbing into a Zero every time. I bloody hate the whole phenomenon! Why is it funny when people who can't carry a note in a bucket or follow a melody to save their lives attempt to sing? Isn't that what we have The X Factor for? But put the two together, and I'm tellin' ya, I'm in Hell.

I suppose if you're having a party, as I've heard does happen at this time, then maybe - maybe - you might be interested in this. Or if you're a fanatical Elvis junkie. But come on: the King doesn't even sing here! It's just the music without his voice. What's the point? Well anyway you end up with the standards - "Silent night", "The first Noel", "White Christmas" etc, alongside a much larger percentage of Elvis's own material - "I'll be home for Christmas", "Holly leaves and Christmas trees", and of course "Blue Christmas". But to me it's all soulless, empty pop pap - I think I'd even rather hear Elvis himself than this, and that's saying something!

To be played only when everyone is sufficiently drunk that no-one is going to care what's on the stereo, then put away and forgotten about until next Christmas, or perhaps given away to a charity shop when you sober up and realise what you've done. That is, if any charity shop will take it...

TRACKLISTING

1. Santa Claus is back in town
2. Blue Christmas
3. Here comes Santa Claus
4. Holly leaves and Christmas trees
5. If every day was like Christmas
6. If I get home on Christmas Day
7. I'll be home for Christmas
8. It won't seem like Christmas without you
9. Merry Christmas baby
10. O little town of Bethlehem
11. Come all ye faithful
12. On a snowy Christmas night
13. Santa bring my baby back
14. Silent night
15. Silver bells
16. The first Noel
17. White Christmas

[Trollheart]

Sounds of the Season - Lionel Ritchie - 2006 (Island)

Well, let's at least credit the ex-Commodore with one thing: his album is short. Well, two things actually, as our Lionel goes for the path of least resistance and just records a bunch of Christmas songs, giving them the old soul treatment, rather than try to reinterpret, rewrite or (God help us!) write some original material for this short album. Picking liberally from the tree of obvious songs he takes the likes of "Little drummer boy", "Come all ye faithful", "Joy to the world" and "Silent night", and adds his own rich baritone to the arrangements, making the songs at least pleasant to listen to, in smooth, soulful way.

Mostly carols, with a few others like "Have yourself a merry little Christmas" and "Winter wonderland" thrown in, and only eight songs in total, you'd have to say the album would be poor value for money were you to go mad and buy it, and not too much of a present were you to receive it, but for review purposes here it does at least get marks for keeping it short and simple, and not tampering too much with an extremely tried-and-tested formula that stretches all the way back to the greats like Como, Crosby and Williams.

TRACKLISTING

1. Little drummer boy
2. Silent night
3. The first Noel
4. Joy to the world
5. The Christmas song
6. Come all ye faithful
7. Have yourself a merry little Christmas
8. Winter wonderland

[Trollheart]

The Disney Channel Christmas Hits - Various Artists - 2007 (Disney)

God save me! Is there any depths ol' Walt won't stoop to? His reach extends beyond the grave, and while I guess you can't really blame him for things such as this, it was him that started Disney back in the twenties, and eventually moved towards world domination of the animated/cartoon movie market, a position they have stubbornly defended against all comers in recent years. This is, apparently, an album made by some of the brightest stars of the Disney Channel, but I'll be damned if I know more than a few of them! Course, I'm not exactly in the demographic the channel is aimed at, but still, you would think some of these names would be familiar...

(Hey, I warned ya!)
Hannah Montana, of course I know, and her alter-ego Miley Cyrus (or should that be the other way around?) sings my most hated of all Christmas songs, the godawful "Rockin' around the Christmas tree", but really she's the only name that means anything to me. Oh wait: I've heard of The  Jonas Brothers, and they here do an incongruously non-festive song (or so it seems to me) called "Girl of my dreams". But the others? Corbin Bleu? The Cheetah Girls? Kyle Massey? Jordan Pruitt? Never 'eard of yer! Even Miley's owl fella, Billy Ray, pops up (disturbingly adult among all these kids, hmm?) to hit us with "Run Rudolph run", and Ashley Tisdale (who?) does her version of Wham's "Last Christmas", but although there's "Greatest time of the year" and "Best time of  year" there's no "The most wonderful time of the year", er, here.

The final nail in the coffin comes in Kyle Massey (who are these people?) who unleashes "Jingle bells (A hip-hop carol") upon us, and I just press STOP. I suppose the kids'll enjoy it, maybe, but all I can say is. 'tweren't like this when I were a lad!

TRACKLISTING

1. Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree (Miley Cyrus as Hannah Montana)       
2. Girl Of My Dreams   (Jonas Brothers)   
3. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas   (The Cheetah Girls)   
4. Last Christmas (Ashley Tisdale)   
5. This Christmastime   (Corbin Bleu)   
6. Home For The Holidays (Album Version)   (Keke Palmer)   
7. Best Time of the Year (Album Version)   (Christy Carlson Romano)   
8. Run Rudolph Run (Album Version)   (Billy Ray Cyrus)
9. Celebrate Love (Album Version)   (Jordan Pruitt)   
10. Let It Snow (Album Version)   (Lucas Grabeel)   
11. Jingle Bells (A Hip-Hop Carol) (Album Version)   (Kyle Massey)   
12. Greatest Time Of Year   (Aly & AJ)   
13. Christmas Vacation (Album Version)   (Monique Coleman)

[Trollheart]

Episode title: Marge Be Not Proud
Series: The Simpsons
Season: 7
Written by: Mike Scully
First transmitted: December 17 1995

Bart really wants the new must-have video game "Bonestorm", but Marge says it's too expensive and promotes violence, so he decides to steal one, shoplifting at the Try-n-Save, but he is caught by the dick ooer store detective, who phones his parents to tell them what has happened, and tells Bart he is banned from the store. Luckily for Bart, his parents are not home and he has time to get back and change the tape before they can get to hear the message the store detective has left for them. When the family go to get their annual Christmas picture taken Bart is horrified when he realises where it's to be taken, and of course the store detective sees him, despite many attempts to hide himself, and the whole sordid story comes out.

Marge is disappointed; Bart is surprised she isn't angry, but he can't see her heart is broken, and she starts to realise that he's not the little boy she thought he was. He's growing up, and that brings with it its own set of problems. In an attempt to address this, she starts pulling back, being less motherly to him. Well, she says this is what she's doing but in reality she's probably subconsciously punishing him by withdrawing her affection and attention from him. In an attempt to redeem himself, Bart goes back to Try'n'Save and gets a photograph of himself for his mother, who had been bemoaning the fact that of all the Christmas pictures they have had taken over the years, none of them have Bart in them smiling or not pulling a face. She is delighted and they reconcile.

Notes

You'd have to say that again this is a fairly poor Christmas episode, which does not make it a poor episode, but Christmas is almost an afterthought to the plot, which concerns a kind of heavy-handed moral on the sin of stealing. It's presented well: I particularly like the woman with the pushy, bratty, nasty kid who demands, when she buys "Bonestorm" for him, "Get two: I'm not sharing with Caitlin!" Bart's wondering belief that this must be the happiest kid in the world is sharply offset when she, seeing Bart being taken back into the store by Brodka, shakes her head and opines that that boy's parents must have gone very wrong, blissfully unaware that a spoiled, arrogant child will grow up to be just as bad, unable to see her own failures as a mother. The declaration "four finger discount" by Jimbo to describe their shoplifting is a reminder that all Simpsons characters have, for some reason, only four fingers.

As Bart is marched up to Brodka's office, the store Santa offers him a candy cane but the detective shakes his head and growls "not for him", and Santa nods, frowning. There's a cameo from the late Phil Hartman as Troy McClure (you may remember him from such information films as "Lead: Delicious but Deadly!" and "Phoney Tornado Warnings Waste Resources") as he stars in a video about the history of shoplifting and then it's funny when Brodka says "capische?" to Bart and then follows this up with "well? Do you understand?" to which Bart replies "Everything but capische." Again this episode, like many Christmas episodes across all three series, suffers - or benefits I guess, depending on your point of view - from concentrating on one character more or less to the exclusion of everyone else. Here of course it's Bart, and while Homer and Marge have things to say, and Lisa gets in a line or two, it's the bad boy who carries the show. Bart can of course do this, and has, effortlessly in the past, but it does place something of a burden on the viewer, I believe, when there's not even a sideplot to concentrate on and give you a break from the adventures of Bart Simpson at Christmas.

Millhouse is, sadly, in the episode but thankfully not for long - Bart sees he has "Bonestorm" and pays his friend a visit, but Millhouse won't share and so he gets thrown out. However on the second attempt it seems Millhouse has lost interest in the game and is now into cup-and-ball (no, smartarse, it isn't: it's a very old form of entertainment you could make yourself, where a small ball on a string hangs from a kind of chalice-like cup, and you try to flip the ball into the cup). It's quite a clever comment on how kids often go for the simplest things to play with, despite all the expensive technology around them: kind of like playing with the box of the Playstation or whatever. The second time Millhouse is very willing to let Bart play with the game, but as with children everywhere and all times, it's whatever the other kid has that they want, and so he tries to take the cup-and-ball from Millhouse. This time though, on the point of being ejected from the Van Houten home, he asks Millhouse's mother if he can hang with her and do "mom stuff". This is fun for a while, but soon creeps Lou-Ann out, and Bart is sent home.

I do however want to know a) how Bart made it all the way to Try'n'Save on his own (they had to drive there originally) and how he also managed to avoid Brodka long enough to get a proper picture taken. Maybe the store detective was on a break. Still, it seems unlikely, although this is possibly a day or so, or more, later, as it doesn't make that clear.

[Trollheart]

Getting into the last ones now, as we hurtle towards the twenty-first century. But before that, we have three more to close out the twentieth in


Year: 1992
Medium: Colour
Starring: The Muppets! (And Michael Caine)
Directed by: Brian Henson
Length: 100 mins

Brief comments: What's not to like about the Muppets? Kermit as Bob Cratchit, Robin as Tiny Tim, Fozzie Bear as Fezzi - sorry, Fozziwig! The usual mix of jokes and great songs, clever little cameos and a story that follows the novel very closely indeed, the Great Gonzo as Charles Dickens notwithstanding. I think this may take some beating!

CHARACTERS
Scrooge: It's Michael Caine. Need I say more? Yes, I need. To act as he does, even being the total acting colossus he is, with mostly only muppets to spark off, is truly genius. A very high 9 for his portrayal of the old miser.
Marley: Here's where I have a slight problem. The idea of having two Marleys is an interesting one, and allows both Statler and Waldorf to reprise their favoured roles as hecklers, this time from beyond the grave, but I feel it stretches the credulity a little. And it was not necessary. Though he takes a different role, Sam the Eagle would have made a perfect Marley. For what they are, they do what they do though and I really can't award them more than a 5. The song is good though.
Cratchit: Kermie! The frog has to be awarded a 10, only the second time I've done that for this character. How could you not?
Tiny Tim: And as only the second Tiny Tim not to annoy me, Robin his nephew gets another 10. Cute without being nauseatingly so. He sings, but does not make me want to retch when he does.
Others: Miss Piggy as Mrs Cratchit is ok, but I've never liked the pig. Gonzo has to get a rating as Dickens, give him 8. Rizzo the rat is annoying and unnecessary, and just for their appearance as the gentlemen seeking donations from Scrooge, Beaker and Doctor Bunsen Burner get an 8 between them.
The Ghosts: The Ghost of Christmas Past: Something of an annoyingly squeaky voice, kind of half looks like an angel, bit irritating. But the scenes are represented well. Say a 6
                     The Ghost of Christmas Present: Jolly giant whom it is hard not to like. 7 for him.
                     The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: Given that he's a silent spirit, not a bad representation, and I'll say another 6.

Faithful to the novel: Extremely. Almost word for word in places. Got to be a 9 here.
Emotion level: Some, especially in the Cratchit household after the death of Tiny Tim. 7
Puke level: Zero
Horror level: Again I say, are you fucking kidding me? Horror? With muppets? Nah. Zero.
Soundtrack: Decent songs, not too annoying, well written. Say a 7.

So our total then is 92. Being a Muppets movie adds an extra 5 and the appearance of Caine easily another 5, so that's a
Grand Total of 102! Told you it would be hard to beat!

Year: 1997
Medium: Colour (Animated)
Starring: Tim Curry, Michael York, Whoopi Goldberg, Ed Asner
Directed by: Stan Phillips
Length: 72 mins

Brief comments: For a 90s animation this is very flat and two-dimensional, quite Hanna-Barbera: there's even a dog like Spike in it! The colour is pretty washed-out and the movements are jerky, though that could be my connection I guess. Too much usage of the phrase "Right?" which is not proper for the time period.

CHARACTERS
Scrooge: Meh. Even with Tim Curry voicing him, he's pretty unconvincing. Drawn well, but that's about it. I'll give him, let's see, 5. The addition of a pet dog does nothing for him, and is a typical animation trick, to make it a bit more cute. Fails on all counts, unlike The Muppet Christmas Carol with Gonzo.
Marley: Given what they could have done with animation, even in the late 90s, Marley is handled poorly here, just a man surrounded by a faint green glow. He does describe what some of the links in his chain are though, which is a nice touch. Even so, I think he only deserves a 5.
Cratchit: Basically okay, but just that. 4
Tiny Tim: Almost non-existent. 2.
Others: n/a
The Ghosts: The Ghost of Christmas Past: A bell boy? A bloody cockney bell boy? Give me strength! Worst yet! A poor 3
                     The Ghost of Christmas Present: Whoopi Goldberg does a very bad Miss Marple and though the figure is black she puts on a cultured white voice, which robs the figure of any originality. A very low 4 for her, and that's being generous.
                     The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: Big purple Scooby-Doo  ghost surrounded by purple glow. Bah. A 3 for him.

Faithful to the novel: Pretty much so, though a few scenes are missing. The inclusion of the dog is an annoying distraction however. Say, I don't know, 7?
Emotion level: Little really. Give it a 1
Puke level: If it wasn't for the song about "Santa's Sooty Suit" (Santa's Smutty Suit, now that would have been interesting!) I'd say no, but that earns it a good -4
Horror level: Zero
Soundtrack: Meh, it's ok; some good songs but nothing terribly groundbreaking. Say 6.

Total then is 36. I have to add the stars on, and there are four of them so that's an extra 20, giving us a Grand Total of 56. Pretty low really, but about all it deserves.

Year: 1999
Medium: Colour
Starring: Patrick Stewart, Richard E Grant
Directed by: David Jones
Length: 95 mins

Brief comments: Make it so! Stewart was born to play this part, so how does he do? See below, but with two titans of the cinema in this I'm expecting really great things and a high score to rival the best I've yet seen. There's an interesting start, with the funeral of Marley, and a few bits added or changed here and there, but generally speaking I'm not as impressed as I had expected to be.

CHARACTERS
Scrooge: Well, to be honest it's like watching Picard play Scrooge. I kept expecting at any moment that Data would come into the holodeck and inform the Captain that they had achieved orbit. Stewart plays the part exactly like Picard; he's only short of barking "Make it so!" I can't say I'm enthusiastic about his performance. 6
Marley: Ghostly and not badly acted, but nothing terribly special. Say 6.
Cratchit: Grant is good in the role, almost saving the movie, not overly simpering and not too annoying. Have to be a good 8
Tiny Tim: Not too annoying, though he does have to sing! Let's say 6
Others: Interestingly, Liz Smith of The Royle Family fame here plays Mrs. Dilber, the same character she played in the 1984 version, so for that I guess you have to award her something. 5.
The Ghosts: The Ghost of Christmas Past: Oh dear! Looks like a cross between Data and some gay clown! Quite innocuous though, and the scenes are well represented. Let's say 7
                     The Ghost of Christmas Present: Refreshingly different, in that he's not the "jolly green giant" of most other movies, but a downbeat, almost sad figure. For the difference alone I think he has to get an 8, though with I now see Want and Ignorance featured I'm upping that to 9.
                    The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: Big blue silent guy, reminds me of an oversize Jawa! Cartoonish. Score 4.

Faithful to the novel: In many places, almost verbatim, though there are some slight diversions. It is, however, the first one to show the couple rejoicing at Scrooge's death due to their debt to him. Overly dramatic ending though, when he falls into his own coffin just before waking up. Pity. Altogether I would think 8 would be a fair score here.
Emotion level: Zero. It's like watching a holodeck episode of Star Trek mostly and it's hard not to equate Scrooge with Picard.
Puke level: Zero, though the dancing scenes at Fezziwig's always annoy me.
Horror level: Zero
Soundtrack: There's not a lot of music in it. What there is is made up of basic movie music and a few rather annoying songs. Say 5 for the lot.

So our total then for this version is 64, and with the two stars added in that's another 10, so a
Grand Total of 74. Not great really, and something of a disappointment.

There probably was never any real doubt - after all, who can stand against the frog? - but in any event. The Muppet Christmas Carol sweeps the boards here and comes in as not only very much the highest score of this trio, but I believe the highest score of any of the versions we've looked at up to now, and I sincerely doubt that anything following it is likely to beat that score. So Kermit and his men march happily into the next round.

Winner Round 4: The Muppet Christmas Carol

[Trollheart]

Hey! Where'd you get such a WEIRD Christmas song?


Come on! Who wants a normal Christmas? In conjunction with a thread I started a few days ago, here are some of the, ah, less conventional Christmas songs you won't be hearing on the radio this, or any Yuletide season.

Or, to put it another way: "Joy to the weird, strange songs are here. Let ev'ry-one say "What?"

Yeah, there sure are some odd ones out there. I was originally helped muster this collection by some of the good (and not so good) folk at Music Banter, therefore I totally deny any responsibility if any of these offend you. Them lads made me do it! And on Christmas, too!

I was originally going to rank them, but fuck me, they're all pretty off-the-wall, and who is to say which is weirder? So instead I'm just going to list them in the order they were originally suggested. Which means we kick off with this:

"Seasoned Greetings" (The Residents) from the debut album Meet The Residents, 1974

A weird little instrumental which sounds like they either listened to a lot of Waits, or he to them. Strange instruments with a thick bass backing track and something that sounds like fingers being scraped across a blackboard, psychedelic little noises, sax and horn, but no vocals which makes this really only a Christmas song in name. Oh wait, there they are, right at the end. Meh. Still a bit of a disappointment really. On we go.

"Santa Claus Has Got the AIDS This Year" (Tiny Tim) 1980

Anyone who knows of Tiny Tim will remember him for the ukulele-accompanied hit "Tiptoe Through the Tulips", but that was in 1968, and this was written twelve years later, as the AIDS epidemic began to make itself known and spread across the world. Sources indicate that Tim did not know how serious the disease was, and of course he had no idea how many lives it would claim, so you can perhaps forgive him for his making a joke (and a buck or two) out of it, but even so it does seem incredibly ill-timed and insensitive, given what we know now. Of course, it's easy to be judgemental with hindsight. Fun, too.

The fact that he uses the word "the" in front of AIDS, rather than the single acronym as was very quickly adopted as the disease took a deathgrip on the world is an indication of how little he knew about this curse on mankind. I have to say though, it's not really funny. It's not even a good song. Perhaps in 1980 you could laugh, but here and now it just seems crass in the extreme. Definitely a case of an old washed-up has-been trying to cash in on human misery to make a few dollars. Bah! Humbug! Next!

"Fuck Christmas (Tankard) from the album The Tankard, 1995

Yeah, this is more like it: a straight-ahead, metal extended finger to the holiday season. Noddy Holder, eat your heart out! Love the line "Christmas time is here again/ Time to give your cash to them!" Right on guys! The end line is great too: "He was fucking born in August anyway!"

[Trollheart]

And for those among you who prefer a more "traditional" selection of music at Christmas...


You'll often hear a lot of classical music around this time of the year: everyone just seems to suddenly want to get culture. Plus of course there are many masses written by classical composers, and masses are, essentially, an integral part of Christmas. So here's a selection of the best Christmas-themed and appropriate classical pieces I could come up with, leaving aside the obvious plethora of hymns and carols.

Opening with J.S. Bach's (1685-1750) "Nativity", taken from his two-hour composition, "Christmas Oratorio". If you like this, seek out the full thing: some kind soul has posted it on YouTube.

Perhaps not an actual Christmas piece, but the "Troika" from "Lieutenant Kije" by Sergei Prokofiev (1891-1953) always gives the impression of sleighs dashing through the snow...

Tchaikovsky (1840-1893) is always a favourite at this time, with his "Nutcracker" ballet.

I know, I know! I said classical music, didn't I? Well, sue me but I simply can't resist including this version of "Carol of the Bells" by Trans-Siberian Orchestra.

And to finish on a high note, here's George Friedrich Handel (1685-1759) with the glorious "Messiah". This is of course the "Hallelujah Chorus".

[Trollheart]

And for those of you who prefer it LOUD at Christmas, and to whom "Silent Night" means turning the stereo down to 9, here are some seasonal shredders to allow you to
Have Yourself a Metal Little Christmas!

Kicking off with Korn, in whose company I seem to have been roped in to spending the first month of the new year. They have quite a few Christmas songs, it seems, even a Christmas album, but I like the idea of them taking their traditional razor-edged metal hammer to the old jolly poem "A Visit from Saint Nicholas", which they turned into, with stunning originality and thought, "Christmas Song." It is cute how, despite the frankly homophobic lyric, they seem to be unable to keep a straight face as they sing. Ah, bless!

Swedish death metallers Amon Amarth prefer to have a "Viking Christmas", so I guess no Saints in their celebrations, unless they're hefting axes at him! Not too sure I'd be all that happy to see one of these marauders clamber down my chimney! I wonder if the Viking Santa's slay (hah) is pulled by dragons?

Lacuna Coil prefer a "Naughty Christmas". Obviously not too worried about the big jolly man in the bright red suit, then!

Anyone remember Twisted Sister? They were really big in the eighties, but seem to have vanished now. They do a pretty good version of "Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow" here.

And what metal Christmas would be complete without the Godfather of Shock Rock himself. When Alice grins "Santa Claus is coming to town" it sounds like more a gleeful warning of something, you know, wicked, coming this way.

[Trollheart]

Back now to the world of movies. Let's check out another of


Trading Places (Paramount Pictures, 1983)

Two comedy genius come together to make this a Christmas movie that never grows old, and one of the few with hardly any gushy sentimentality at all. And not a Santa in sight! Well...

Louis Winthorpe III (Dan Aykroyd) has it all: a top job in a firm of brokers, a beautiful girlfriend whom he is due to marry, a big car, fancy apartment, money to burn, while Billy Valentine (Eddie Murphy) is a down-and-out, homeless vagabond. Winthorpe's employers, the two senior partners in the firm, decide to make a bet. They will engineer circumstances that will ensure that their employee will lose his job, his house, his money, his social standing, his girl - everything. He'll envy Job by the time they're done with him. In the meantime, they take Valentine under their wing, to see how he does in Winthorpe's place. Well, one does, intending to make Valentine into his protege, at least for the duration of the bet, while the other does all he can to throw a spanner in the works. The bet is made, and the experiment begins.

What follows is an increasingly hilarious if tragic sequence of opposites, as the snooty, entitled Winthorpe sees his world collapse around him, and in the end is reduced to robbing a Santa suit and holding up Valentine, who he does not recognise, while the tramp is elevated in social status, given all that was Winthorpe's, including his fiancee.

The endgame, where the two realise what has been done to them, understand they are both being used by the unscrupulous and bored partners who have more money than sense, but have made the bet for a single dollar, and join forces against them, is the crowning achievement of the movie. Winthorpe, toughened up by his enforced life on the streets, and Valentine, now privy to secrets he had never before been, make sure the two men pay for their heartless bet. Oh, and there's a gorilla in there somewhere too.

A movie that, while it may not necessarily espouse the Christmas spirit of, as Dickens once wrote, all men being "fellow travellers on the way to the grave", will make you laugh, cheer, perhaps cry and be unsure who to root for. The film largely made proper stars of Murphy and Aykroyd, both of whose careers needed a shot in the arm. It is, at its heart, a screwball comedy with a rather heavy-handed moral message tacked on, but by gum it's a good one!

[Trollheart]

Greg Lake: The man who would be Grinch?

I've never had much time for ELP as you probably know (hold those gasps of surprise!) but one thing that has always annoyed me is the success, and therefore constant rotation every Christmas, of Greg Lake's "I Believe in Father Christmas". I've read the backstory and yes, I can see how it was written as a protest song, but for me it just seems the most bitter and pessimistic Christmas song ever. In it, Lake talks about "being sold a dream of Christmas" and waiting to see Santa on Christmas Eve, then realising it was his father all along. Sure, we all went through that, but the heavy sarcasm and contempt that drips from this song like drops of poisoned punch makes me wonder how it was ever a hit. Though Lake himself professes that it was a backlash against the commercialisation of the holiday season, with a dash of anti-war rhetoric thrown in for good measure, it always seems to me to be totally anachronistic to have it follow something like "Merry Xmas Everybody" on one of those Christmas albums we all moan about but which we all have one of (mine are Santa's Greatest Hits and The Phil Spector Christmas Album); a happy, upbeat song that celebrates Christmas (as does just about every other Christmas song) succeeded by a moany, downbeat, sarcastic swipe at the festive season.

I know he says all that stuff at the end about "wishing you a joyful Christmas", but to be honest, after what he's written prior all of that rings a little hollow to me, and the end impression I've always been left with is the ambiguous ending, which can really be interpreted however you want, but for me is always something of a parting shot: "The Christmas you get you deserve?" Apart from being a badly-constructed phrase (should be "You get the Christmas you deserve", and it would still have scanned with the rest of the lyric) it always sounds negative to me.

And he also had the gall to base much of the melody on Prokofiev's "Troika" from Lieutenant Kije. Every time I hear this at Christmas it depresses and annoys me, and to be honest, I think I'd rather listen to Carey's vacuous bleating on "All I Want for Christmas is You" than this. At least that's cheerful, even if it makes you want to smash your head against the wall till your brains leak out. Lake's effort just makes me want to go find the nearest gunshop.

Lucky I live in Ireland, where there are no such things.

Merry Christmas Greg, you contemptuous old fart! To quote an old Blackadder curse, May your skin turn orange in hue, and your head drop off at an awkward moment. Perhaps you need a visit from a certain three ghosts...

"They said there'll be snow at Christmas;
They said there'll be peace on Earth.
But instead it just kept on raining,
A veil of tears for the Virgin's birth.
I remember one Christmas morning,
A winters light and a distant choir
And the peal of a bell and that Christmas tree smell
And their eyes full of tinsel and fire.

They sold me a dream of Christmas;
They sold me a silent night
And they told me a fairy story
'till I believed in the Israelite.
And I believed in Father Christmas
And I looked at the sky with excited eyes
'till I woke with a yawn in the first light of dawn
And I saw him and through his disguise.
I wish you a hopeful Christmas
I wish you a brave new year.
All anguish pain and sadness
Leave your heart and let your road be clear.
They said there'll be snow at Christmas
They said there'll be peace on Earth.
Hallelujah Noel be it Heaven or Hell
The Christmas you get you deserve."

[Trollheart]

And so we return to



Dream a Dream - Charlotte Church - 2000 (Sony Classical)

I suppose the best thing you can say about this album is that at least there's a picture of a pretty girl to look at on the cover! To be fair to Charlotte Church, if anyone was going to release a Christmas album you would probably expect it to have been her. She did after all start her career in classical and operatic singing, and has been closely identified with hymns and carols and so forth. Even at that though, her soprano voice does tend to grate after a while.

It's a relatively decent collection, with the title track familiar to me from some classical album I have, and a rather nice version of "Far over Bethlehem" in, presumably, her native Welsh. It's quite long though, nineteen tracks in all, and though somewhat atypical fare like "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire (The Christmas Song)" and the rather nice "Lo! A rose e'er blooming", not to mention "Coventry carol (Lully lullay)" pull you a little away from the usual expected songs about Jesus, Santa and toys, it's still one of those albums you'd be unlikely to make it all the way through, unless you're one of her fans.

Not the worst ever, but certainly not a present I want to see coming my way anytime soon!

TRACKLISTING

1. Dream a dream
2. O come all ye faithful
3. Little drummer boy
4. Mary's boy child
5. Ding Dong! Merrily on high
6. Winter wonderland
7. The Christmas Song (Chestnuts roasting on an open fire)
8. Hark! the Herald Angels sing
9. The Coventry Carol  (Lully Lullay)
10. Joy to the world
11. When a child is born
12. What child is this
13. God rest ye merry gentlemen
14. Draw tua Bethlehem (Far over Bethlehem)
15. Ave Maria
16. Gabriel's message
17. O holy night
18. Lo! How a rose e'er blooming
19. Silent night

[Trollheart]

Christmas Party - Boney M - 2003 (BMG)

Ah, Boney M! What Christmas would be complete without them crooning about "Mary's boy child"? Certainly bringing a real sense of gospel to their disco funk trademark sound, this is one of several (and I mean several) Christmas albums released by the boney ones down the years, most of which are the same lineup with either very slight track changes or just a change of title. Then again, Christmas albums ain't exactly rocket science, y'know?

So you get what you'd expect: the carols, the party songs, some non-English language ones like "Feliz navidad" (Spanish?) and "Petit Papa Noel" (French, I think), but they all mean the same basic thing. You can't blame the artist here: no-one's exactly going to experiment when putting together a Christmas album: it's not quite reinventing the wheel, is it? Nonetheless, they do at least throw in some interesting ones, like "Zion's daugher", "Darkness is falling" and even "Auld lang syne", presumably to ensure the album gets a spin on New Year's Eve. There's a Christmas medley as an opener, and another near the end, with the expected inclusion of "Mary's boy child/Oh my Lord".

TRACKLISTING

1. Christmas Medley: Silent Night, Holy Night/Snow Falls Over The Ground/Hear Ye The Message/Sweet Bells
2. Oh Christmas Tree
3. Hark The Herald Angels Sing
4. Zion's Daughter
5. The First Noel
6. Oh Come All Ye Faithful
7. Petit Papa Noel
8. Darkness Is Falling
9. Joy To The World
10. White Christmas
11. Jingle Bells
12. Feliz Navidad
13. When A Child Is Born
14. Little Drummer Boy
15. Medley: Mary's Boy Child/Oh My Lord
16. Auld Lang Syne

[Trollheart]

An Irish Christmas - Various Artists - Year unknown (Celtic Note)


Be the hokay, 'tis an Irish Christmas an' no mistake, boy!

Ah, sure: I'm not averse to slagging off my home country when it suits, and if there's one thing Irish people love it's Christmas. And drink. And presents. And drink. And Santy. And drink. You get the idea. Here we have some of the (ahem) cream of Irish music belting out or playing their renditions of Christmas songs and Irish traditional ones too. So we have the great Phil Coulter giving us a lovely version of "O holy night", Maura O'Connel singing "My Irish Molly-o" (yeah...) and Moya Brennan with a lovely little Irish song called "Codail a linbh" (sleep o child), while some shower called The Voice Squad tackle "The parting glass" and "The holly she bears a berry" (indeed), with the youngsters from, er, Slane National School taking us through "Away in a manger" and "Silent night" (sung in Irish).

Yeah, it's enough to make you hide your head and feel embarrassed to be Irish! We even get a snippet from "Angela's ashes", with something called "The pig's head", and the Celtic Tenors (yeah, we have them too, though due to the financial meltdown they're only worth about eight-fifty!) hit us with "O come all ye faithful" and of course, "Danny boy". Sigh.

TRACKLISTING

1   The Holly She Bears A Berry - The Voice Squad
2   An Irish Blessing - Roma Downey
3   The Parting Glass - The Voice Squad
4   Away In A Manger - Slane National School
5   The Dromcolliher Set - Ger Kiely And Band
6   Flower Of Maherally - Brian Kennedy
7   Oh Holy Night - Phil Coulter
8   Adeste Fideles (Come All Ye Faithful) - Celtic Tenors
9   Oiche Ciuin (Silent Night) - Slan National School
10   My Irish Molly-O - Maura O'Connel
11   Codail A Linbh (Sleep O Child) - Moya Brennan
12   Be Thou My Vision - Roma Downey
13   Remember Me - Brian Kennedy
14   The Pig's Head (excerpt from Angela's Ashes) - Frank McCourt
15   Danny Boy - Celtic Tenors
16   Steal Away - Phil Coulter

[Trollheart]

8 days of Christmas - Destiny's Child - 2001 (Sony)


Just on the cusp of their breakup to allow Beyonce Knowles to take the world by storm, Destiny's Child came together in 2001 to record this pile of muck. You want Christmas songs with an "orr an bee" flavour? You got it! You want original songs, written by the girls? You got it. You want Christmas medleys? Hell, you got that too! You want a loaded gun?

I can't for the life of me work out what the significance of "8 days of Christmas" is. The song is "12 days of Christmas". There aren't only eight tracks (unfortunately) so where does the title come from? More to the point, who really cares?

Featuring some of the most popular Christmas songs - "Silent night", "Little drummer boy", "Winter wonderland" and so on - the album also has three original songs, all written by Beyonce, and that Christmas medley just rounds things off making you wonder why anyone in their right mind would buy this album. The girls try to claim writing credits, it would seem, to such standards as "O holy night" and the 1962 hit "Do you hear what I hear", but though they may have arranged them they certainly didn't compose them. I think the turkey's about ready now, girls.

TRACKLISTING

1. 8 Days of Christmas
2. Winter Paradise
3. A 'DC' Christmas Medley ("Santa Claus Is Coming to Town"/"Jingle Bells"/"Frosty the Snowman"/"Have a Holly Jolly Christmas"/"Deck the Halls"/"Here Comes Santa Claus")
4.Silent Night
5. Little Drummer Boy
6. Do You Hear What I Hear
7. White Christmas
8. Platinum Bells
9. O Holy Night
10. Spread a Little Love on Christmas Day
11. This Christmas
12. Opera of the Bells