Trollheart's Christmas Media Megathread (Incorporating The Scroogedown)

[Trollheart]

Fred Claus (2007)

Ah yes, another in a long line of Santa-themed movies, where characters impersonate, disguise themselves as or in some cases actually become Jolly old Saint Nick. This is as you can see somewhat more recent a movie, and because of that you can expect it to be hip and happenin', or whatever the kids say these days. Sick probably. No wait: that was the previous movie! Here's what the oracle at IMDB has to say about it.

Fred Claus, Santa's bitter older brother, is forced to move to the North Pole.

Yeah. Says it all really doesn't it? No doubt ol' Fred, a two-for-one amalgam of Santa and the Grinch it would seem, loses his crusty distrust of Christmas and learns to appreciate the true meaning of the holiday season. Urgh. Just look who's in it.

Vince Vaughn. Well, no surprise there. Our man Vince is always up for a low-brow, play-to-the-gallery movie that doesn't put too much strain on his feeble acting talent and his even less sturdy grasp of comedy. But some of the others are a surprise: Miranda Richardson? Rachel Weisz? Kathy Bates? Kevin Spacey? No, let me just check that again, I obviously got that... no, it's him all right. Man, he must have needed the money! And yet it's 2007 so he had already made it big.

What is it about a Christmas movie that can attract big stars, no matter how crummy the film may be? Season of giving, I suppose. Oh look! Frank Stallone's in it too. Probably the first film he's done since, er, er ... and Stephen Baldwin! And a lot of people whose names end in -ina, -nova or -vitch, presumably all meant to be genuine, um, Greenlanders? Huh?

Oh yeah, and Ludacris, whose name is probably the most fitting for this turkey of a movie, pops in as a, er, rapping DJ elf. Okay I'm done.

[Trollheart]

The Polar Express (2004)

Two words. Well, four. Four words to chill the heart and snuff out the yuletide fire. Tom Hanks, at Christmas. That's all that needs to be said. But if you're in doubt...

On Christmas Eve, a doubting boy boards a magical train that's headed to the North Pole and Santa Claus's home.

Sounds delightful yes? Now I'm aware that many of you may love this film, think it's touching, engaging, charming. Well you should all be boiled with your own Christmas pudding with a stick of mistletoe in your hearts. Let me just remind you: Tom Hanks. TOM. HANKS! At Christmas! I have nothing further to say.

Oh dear god! Say it isn't so! Steven Tyler! Steven Tyler as a rock elf! What were you thinking man? You can't walk that way! Have some respect, for the love of Ozzy! It's Christmas!

[Trollheart]

Black Christmas (2006)

Let's spit the taste of cloying sentimentality out of our mouths and look at a "dark" Chrimbo movie, shall we? Nothing says Christmas like coeds being murdered by a maniac, after all, and while the title may seem the most cliched and obvious pun on one of the most popular or wished-for aspects of the holidays, it's actually a remake of a far superior film from 1974, but this one jettisons the original's suspense and sense of dread and goes right for the jugular (it says here) with an all-out banal slasher flick mentality that has about as much subtlety as Adam Sandler at a comedy roast. Awful. IMDB says

An escaped maniac returns to his childhood home on Christmas Eve, which is now a sorority house, and begins to murder the sorority sisters one by one.

Of course he does. Why do these guys always murder people - usually girls, and nubile, helpless ones at that - one by one? Why not just go for the big kill, get them all at once? Then said slasher can take the rest of the night off, put his bloodstained feet up and spend some quality time watching classic Christmas movies. Who's for all this stalking, waiting, scaring, baiting, chasing? I'd rather get it all over with and have some "me" time. Better than watching this garbage anyway.

The only one I can see here who I know is Michelle Trachtenberg, who nerds like myself will know as the whiny but sexy Dawn from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Bet she wishes she was still on that show! Didn't it ever dawn on her that she was making a bad career move here? Sorry, had to say it. Ok, I'll move on, no need to get rude.

[Trollheart]

Santa's Slay (2006)

Oh the joy of word play! You see what they did there? Santa's sleigh becomes ... yeah I know, not that funny right? Not to mention that, given the subject matter and storyline, they could also have rearranged the name of jolly old Saint Nick to make it Satan's slay, but then, how Christmassy is that? Well, about as Christmassy really as the idea of Santa Claus having originally been a demon. Here, I'll let that guy at IMDB explain it.

Santa Claus is actually a demon who lost a bet with an Angel, so he becomes the giver of toys and happiness. But when the bet is off, he returns to his evil ways.

Okay well, didn't take that much explaining after all. So at least it's a change from the heartwarming, family-friendly Xmas movies we get crammed down our throats every year (incidentally, in this that's exactly apparently what happens to James Caan: Santa rams a chicken bone down his throat. So, there is at least one good thing we can say about the movie!) but this is sort of taking it all the way across the tracks to the wrong side of town, beating it, stabbing it, burning it and then dragging what's left of the corpse back across the tracks and crapping on it for good measure.

Let's see then if any starving Hollywood stars or TV personalities down on their luck got duped into appearing in this pile of .... well I never! Saul Rubinek, who I only know as Donnie from the later seasons of Frasier and from one role he played in Star Trek: the Next Generation - dirty beggar stole Data and displayed him among his collection! That did not turn out well, as you can imagine. But also Rebecca Gayheart, Robert Culp, who will forever be known to me anyway as "that other guy from The Greatest American Hero", Fran "The Nanny" Drescher and of course James Caan, in a spectacularly bad piece of decision-making for him.

Interesting to note too that there are two actors whose parts are credited as "Spoiled Boy #1" and "Spoiled Boy #2" - I can guess what happens to them when our Christmas-hating, redemonised Santa gets hold of them! They had most assuredly better watch out!

Oh dear, oh dear! Let's move on, shall we?

[Trollheart]

Eight Crazy Nights (2002)

There are two words that precede this title that tell you all you need to know about what to expect. One is Adam, the other is Sandler's. Yeah. It's an Adam Sandler movie. Now, say what you like about Sandler - and I've said much, none of it complimentary - but I will admit this much: he's not getting any typespace here. IMDB says of the movie

Davey Stone, an alcoholic with a criminal record, is sentenced to community service under the supervision of an elderly referee. Davey is then faced with trying to reform and abandon his bad habits.

Exactly. What else would you expect? And of course, simply due to the presence of the lunkhead of comedy in it, there are other lunkheads who unwisely decided to donate their, ah, talents. People like Rob "The Animal" Schneider. Oh, and that's it thankfully. Tyra Banks also got drafted in somehow, but my main gripe is that not only did Sandler write this piece of trash and hoodwink his buddies into playing parts, or voices, in the movie, he reached out somehow to the music community, and so Alison Krauss and Ann WIlson will forever wonder about that missing few hours in their lives when they met Sandler for a drink and then next thing they remember is waking up with a contract they didn't remember signing, and no choice then but to go through with it. Ah, remember the old adage: when dealing with Adam Sandler, it is always - always! - advisable to murder him before he gets you involved in some godawful film you will regret for the rest of your life!

[Trollheart]

The Christmas Pageant (2011)

Okay, I admit I know nothing about this movie, but just look at what IMDB has to say about it:

When a temperamental Broadway director is fired from yet another job, she is forced to direct a community Christmas pageant.

Okay? Case closed I think. The only person of note is the star, Meliisa "Bruce Boxleitner" Gilbert, and that's probably how it should stay. I have nothing furhter to add.

[Trollheart]

Bad Santa 2 (2016)

Oh God! Santa save me! Now we run into a set of sequels that never needed to be made. I have by now seen enough clips of the original Bad Santa to know how poor it was, so all I can say about this is that it seems to take the worst of that movie and amplify it, adding nothing but possibly subtracting much. The producers lost their shirt, not even making their money back at the box office, and not even the presence of Kathy Bates can turn this turd around. Rotten Tomatoes' consensus reads Loaded up with the same scatological and misanthropic humor as its predecessor but precious little of its heart or genuine wit, Bad Santa 2 presents a foulmouthed shadow of Christmas past

Rotten Tomatoes ratings

Tomatometer: 24%
Audience Score: 33%

IMDB rating

5.6/10

Metacritic rating:

38

Majorie Baumgarden of The Austin Chronicle noted These jokes may be good for momentary release, but the joke's no longer on the holiday: It's on us.

Kevin Maher of The Times agreed: It takes everything that was fresh and assertive about the original and transforms it into vile, hateful overkill.

Tim Robey of The Telegraph admitted The level of not very funny things this entails, even by the standards of barely-awaited sequels to lowbrow Yuletide comedies, is kind of impressive.

James Bernardinelli of ReelFilm said At its best, Bad Santa 2 feels like an echo of its predecessor. At its worst, it's unfunny, crass, and uncomfortable (not in a good way).

And audiences were similarly unimpressed.

Incredibly crass and vulgar, Bad Santa 2 is even more offensive than the first one.

A massive drop in quality compared to the first Bad Santa movie, and although Kathy Bates was a welcome addition to the series, based on this entry, I don't think we're likely to ever see a Bad Santa 3.

God, let's hope not!

[Trollheart]

Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman

It's so depressing, not to mention baffling that this B-movie failure slasher movie masquerading as a Christmas offering got a sequel. I mean, that title sounds like something out of a comic series or something doesn't it? This time it's set in the most natural habitat for a snowman - a tropical island!

Oh, and point to note: there are in fact two movies entitled Jack Frost, as we'll be finding out in more detail soon (stay tuned): one starring Michael Keaton made in 1998 and the prequel to this one, which does not star Michael Keaton, or indeed anyone, made the previous year. I reckon they're as bad as each other, but it's probably not a good idea to get them mixed up, so if you want the one where the father returns from the dead to be with his kid, it's the 1998 release with Keaton. If you prefer the one where the serial killer returns from the dead to serial kill and wreak bloody revenge, it's the 1997 one. Your kids may thank you for not getting the wrong one!

Rotten Tomatoes ratings

Tomatometer: n/a
Audience Score: 29%

IMDB rating

3.7/10



Scott Weinberg of EFilmCritic was the only one who would bother to go on record, noting A few "stupid-funny" kill scenes aside, there's nothing here worth bothering with.

Audiences were more divided.

This movie is so bad its hilarious

When it comes to a film where the snowman is the killer, you can't take it seriously whatsoever. This sequel is just as satisfying as the original with even more tongue in cheek moments to be had on screen.

The plot is easily forgettable and filled with annoying characters that you'll love to see get killed by the mutant snowman. The death scenes here aren't as funny as in the original, the most hilarious death in this sequel was.... nothing. The original gave us a snowman raping a human and than smoking a cigar, if that's not good comedy I don't what is. Another problem with the sequel is Jack Frost kids, yes, a killer mutant male snowman can produce kids. And by gosh are they as annoying as Jar Jar Binks and even sound like him too. Cooney succeeds in fine style, principally by following the established blueprint in an entirely new location. In this case; a tropical island. Natural stalking ground for a snowman.
 
Early sequences, in which Jack is represented by a puddle of water and a carrot on a piece of thread, might suggest to the casual viewer that the budget for this follow-up will not stretch to the dazzling visual spectacles presented by the original. Don't be fooled.. Cooney knows just what he's doing, and is merely lulling the casual viewer into a false sense of security. He pulls out his trump card in the latter third of the flick. He has bought a home PC animation package, and he knows how to use it. Well, he doesn't *quite* know how to use it. But he'll have a jolly good go. Hence, inept live action effects are seamlessly blended with inept computer generated effects, and we're all set for a staggeringly poor finale.
 
Despite the somewhat misleading title, at no point does Jack kill any mutants. Pity. I'm sure he'd have kicked Wolverine's fuzzy backside.

[Trollheart]

Nativity 3: Dude, Where's My Donkey?

Apparently the shitfest that was Nativity 2: Danger in the Manger wasn't enough of a warning that such movies should never be made. Hopefully this will be. How people of the calibre of Jason Watkins, Catherine Tate and Martin Clunes got conned into acting in - sorry, being associated with is bad enough - this steaming pile of donkey shit is beyond me, but I hope to everything that is good and evil that they do not attempt a fourth. It's just... beyond awful. Here, read, read!

Rotten Tomatoes ratings

Tomatometer: 16%
Audience Score: 37%

IMDB rating

3.5/10

There have been many recent films based around memory loss, but few that most adults will want to forget as quickly as Nativity 3. That's Jeffrey McNab in The Independent. No mercy either from The Guardian's Peter Bradshaw:

This is one of those British family comedies that make you want to soil the Union flag with your own faeces in the cinema foyer before setting fire to it.

Come on dude! Say what you really think: don't cloak it in innuendo and hyperbole!

Robbie Collin of The Daily Telegraph had advice for how to forget the movie: As soon as I left the cinema, I went looking for a donkey to kick me in the head.

If only the producers had been kicked instead.

Variety's Guy Lodge agreed. Even fans of the series are likely to deem this dopey "Donkey" a step down, with a surprising streak of unseasonal mean-spiritedness.

While Tara Brady of The Irish Times wondered How do I go about awarding the square root of negative one as a star rating? Is it just "i"? Or is there a special graphic?

Can't help you there, Tara. What about audiences? Were there any? Just one who would comment, but it's a good one: Went in without knowing anything about previous two films or seeing reviews.Came out scarred for life, don't understand how such a truly awful film can get distributed. By a long way the worst "film" i've ever seen.Hiding underneath jacket didn't work, trying to fall asleep didn't work. Like a two hour episode of Gigglebiz without the jokes and budget. I can't say it enough but truly awful, if this is a "British" film then I don't want to be British anymore. No redeeming features whatsoever, no jokes, a few donkey farts and that's about it. I can't stop people from going, but don't say I didn't warn you!

You do though have to wonder, don't you, if it was so bad, why she didn't just get up and leave? Are they chaining patrons to the seats of the local Odeon these days? Trained marksmen posted at the exits? I know they're desperate to mitigate the damage done by Netflix and other streaming sites, but that seems a little extreme. Maybe she is just one of those who says "I paid me money, I'm gonna sit here and get its worth." A trifle along the lines of cutting off the nose to spite one's face, I would think.

[Trollheart]

Three more Scrooges to criticise and analyse, all quite different from each other...
Year: 1977
Medium: Colour
Starring: Michael Hordern, Jon Le Mesurier
Directed by:
Length: 59 mins

Brief comments: A typical BBC 70s drama; quite bland, cheap and dour. More like a play than anything else. Although it's in colour you could be forgiven for thinking it wasn't, as the colour is so washed-out, but I guess it adds to the overall period flavour of the story. The awful cheapness of the dramatisation shows when, taken to the place he grew up in by the Ghost of Christmas Past, he sees only a drawing. There is no scene where he and the ghost enter the building.

CHARACTERS
Scrooge: Dull, confused and somewhat doddery, Hordern seems to mouth the words without really having any conviction. He does not come across as mean, merely old. 4
Marley: More or less the same. Le Mesurier always evinced a sort of bored resignation in his acting, even when he did comedy, and here he carries the same cloak of ennui around him, resulting in a figure who is neither tragic nor scary, but again just bored. The effects are very poor for the seventies too. 4
Cratchit: Not too annoying, played well. Say 6
Tiny Tim: Almost nonexistent, which is a plus, but still. 2 only.
Others: n/a
The Ghosts: The Ghost of Christmas Past: All right but she seems quite hard, not at all sympathetic. I can only give her a 3
                    The Ghost of Christmas Present: Very grumpy, but at least his version includes Want and Ignorance, so gets a 4
                    The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: The usual. Unfortunately, the guy playing him seems more concerned that his hood might fall down than he is of being scary, or mysterious, so gives the impression of slouching along. Very poor, even for the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come. 3

Faithful to the novel: Very  much, follow it more or less exactly, which is admirable given the relatively short length of the production. 8
Emotion level: Zero
Puke level: Almost Zero, but they had to have Tiny Tim sing, didn't they? -1
Horror level: Zero
Soundtrack: Mostly none, but what there is is typical BBC drama fare, reminiscent of the likes of Sapphire and Steel or Tales of the Unexpected. Say a 4

So, a total then of 37. Any additions? Well, Le Mesurier is in it, as is June Brown, well known to British people as Dot in the popular soap opera Eastenders, so that's another 10. IMDB credits Brian Blessed with the narration, but I'll be damned if I can find any in this production, so I can't include him. That makes a total then of 47.

Year: 1983
Medium: Colour (Animated)
Starring: Um. Mickey Mouse?
Directed by: Burny Mattinson
Length: 26 mins

Brief comments: The first really major animation, Mister Magoo's Christmas Carol notwithstanding, to play the story against an already well-known cast of characters, in this case the Disney stable of Donald Duck, Goofy, Scrooge McDuck and of course Mickey himself. A major animated colossus and one that would set the trend for further adaptations of the tale in years to come, and also open up the story to the true world of animation.

CHARACTERS
Scrooge: Ah, who else could it be but Scrooge McDuck? Sure Disney named him after the character! You gotta love the old miser, and he has some great lines - "Jacob Marley: you robbed from the widows and the poor, sometimes in the same day!" Very odd to hear Scrooge talk in a Scottish accent, but then that's Scrooge McDuck for ya! Gotta give him a good 8 easily.
Marley: Goddammit it's Goofy! And how does a supposed spirit slip on  a cane and fall down the stairs? Gimme strength! A low 2
Cratchit: Much as I hate Mickey Mouse, he does a very passable and not annoying Cratchit, so I'm grudgingly awarding him a good 7 here
Tiny Tim: Only in the story for one scene but quite cute. A good 7 too.
Others: Have to mention my good friend Donald Duck, as Fred. Just for his hilarious voice, and the fact that he's wearing his sailor suit even in this, I'm awarding him a 9
The Ghosts: The Ghost of Christmas Past: Jiminy Fucking Cricket? Oh come on! Have they chosen all my least favourite Disney characters? Still, the idea of Scrooge's conscience being one of the ghosts is clever, so I'll give him a 5
                    The Ghost of Christmas Present: A somewhat retarded giant. Pretty stupid really. 3
                    The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: Just for the end scene, and the fact he smokes AND speaks, which none of the others did, I have to award him a high 7.

Faithful to the novel: Yeah, pretty much so, though due to the running time there are elements omitted. Still, a decent 7 here.
Emotion level: Zero
Puke level: Disney cartoons often have the terrible cutesy-poo factor but this one doesn't make me want to retch, so zero here
Horror level: Are you fucking kidding me? Zero, obviously.
Soundtrack: Standard Disney/cartoon music, but I'll award them extra points for resisting the urge to throw in some songs; there's just one at the opening credits. So overall a 7.

That's a total then of 62. Not bad, but then surely I have to give points for the excellent animation, so 5 for that, and the humour in it is very clever too, even if it is standard Disney, so another 5 for that, give us a
Grand  Total of 72

Year: 1984
Medium: Colour
Starring: George C. Scott, Frank Finlay, Susannah  York, David Warner
Directed by: Clive Donner
Length: 100 mins

Brief comments: After the musical 1970 version, this is the first one to feature so many stars, and so has become one of the best-known. It's also the longest I've watched up to now. The sequences with the Ghost of Christmas Past are complete; they include all the events, which some of the other movies miss out. There are also some interesting touches, such as Scrooge's father still being cold towards him, and Scrooge himself accusing Fred of employing Peter just to spite him.

CHARACTERS
Scrooge: Considering that we're talking about George C. Scott here, it's a very disappointing performance. Scott does not seem very interested in the role, he displays little emotion and seems to more or less phone it in. He doesn't even get caught up in the game at Fred's; whereas other Scrooges begged to be allowed stay (and were not) he goes almost with a shrug of his shoulders. In truth, he only really starts to bother acting at the graveyard scene. After that he's more animated, but given that so much of his acting up to that point is so poor, and a big let-down, I can only in fairness award him a 5.
Marley: Very imposing, quite scary in his way and played extremely well by Frank Finlay. A good 8 for him.
Cratchit: Ah it's David Warner! Need I say more? The man brings a gravitas and dignity to the role that nobody else has to date, and I actually feel for the guy. Got to be a 10, and I never thought I would award that.
Tiny Tim: Hardly in the story really, and doesn't sing, so that in itself gets him a proper 5
Others: Susannah York is very good in the role of Mrs Cratchit; have to give her a 5 for that too.
The Ghosts: The Ghost of Christmas Past: Well played but there's that hardness again. Given that the sequence is full, unlike many others, it must gain an extra point, so I'll give her 6.
                    The Ghost of Christmas Present: Again quite decent, Edward Woodward is good in the part. Want and Ignorance are done well. A score of 7 for him.
                    The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: Spooky and silent, but there's something about him: he seems to speak in a whining feedback electric guitar voice, and you gotta respect that. Basically, he rawks! Got to get a decent 8 for that.

Faithful to the novel: Extremely so, even if there are a few extra bits added. I'd have to give this the highest score yet, a 9
Emotion level: None, until David Warner and Susannah York get together on the death of Tiny Tim, then the tears are pressing behind my eyes and I must award this a good 7 for emotion.
Puke level: Zero. Not even for Cratchit for once, or Tiny Tim.
Horror level: Pretty much zero also.
Soundtrack: Virtually non-existent. Hardly worth a 1, but let's give it that. Actually, now that I've seen the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come with his heavy-metal voice, I have to up that to a much more decent 5.

And so we have a total in the end of 75. Very good score, but then look at all the stars in it. If you add five for Warner, Scott, York and Woodward that's another 20, which brings us to a
Grand Total of 95! I think that's the highest yet.

And so without any doubt or challenge, George C. Scott's 1984 version - almost despite his pretty pedestrian acting as the main character - pushes its way into round two, leaving the others trailing in its wake. And I thought Mickey's Christmas Carol was going to be hard to beat! Competition's hotting up now! Incidentally, if you're planning to watch this, for the love of god don't mix it up with that 1970s classic adult movie, Carol's Christmas Micky! The kids will not understand.

We're getting close now; not too many versions left to do. I still don't know who's going to win. I should point out that, although versions are scoring high here, that does not necessarily mean they're going to be the overall winners, as in round two the best of the best will be pitted against each other, and may find after all that they are lacking in certain aspects.

[Trollheart]

Episode title: Christmas Guy
Series: Family Guy
Season: 12
Written by: Greg Meighan
First transmitted: December 15 2013

The Griffins are aghast to find that the annual Quahog Christmas carnival has been cancelled, and even more so when it turns out that it's Lois's father, Carter, who is responsible. Peter goes to see him to find out why, and Carter tells him that it's terrible being rich at Christmas: everyone expects big expensive presents and he gets nothing. Ah, your heart bleeds, wot? So as a result Carter hates Christmas and, being rich and selfish (never a great combination and almost always one going with the other) he has decided to cancel the carnival. Peter vows to help him regain the spirit of Christmas, however despite some really stupid - and quite frankly disgusting and disturbing - ideas he has, success eludes him until he sighs that he had no idea Carter was Jewish. Suddenly, rather than be seen as a Jew, Carter reinstates the carnival. Nice one, Seth, you racist bastard.

So far, so terrible. Step forward, Stewie, for the love of Jesus and save this trainwreck! If only Brian were here instead of this annoying Italian mafia/Tony Soprano style dog they have now! Well, only one way to sort that out: bring Brian back! Only one problem: just before Brian died, Stewie destroyed his time machine, leaving him unable to bring his friend back. He really was dead. But hey, this is cartoons, and if there's one thing I've learned watching and researching them, it's that anything can happen, and often does. Usually though with Seth that's just it: it happens, no explanation. At least here, I tip my hat to the writer for the way in which he enables Stewie to time travel again.

Despondent without Brian, Stewie goes with Vinnie to the toy store, where he sees, against all odds, himself from the past. This Stewie has travelled into the future - our Stewie's present; bear with me - to pre-buy a toy that will quickly sell out. Stewie follows him, aware that in his backpack is the return pad for the time travel machine in past Stewie's bedroom, so that if he can get it, he can (deep breath) return to the time machine in the past, use it to go a little forward in that past's future to save Brian and then return to his own present with Brian still alive. With me so far? Tough. You should have paid more attention during temporal mechanics class. What? You didn't take temporal mechanics? What kind of Starfleet cadet are you? What? Well in that case, sir, these gentlemen from Starfleet Security need to speak to you...

Anyway, the plan works brilliantly and Brian is saved, whereupon the "future" Stewie, his time line now defunct, vanishes, leaving the current Stewie (back in the present - you know what, this is getting tiring and confusing. Thank god it's nearly over) wondering why Brian is making such a fuss of him on Christmas morning. With the timelines restored, Vinnie vanishes, never having been associated with the Griffins in the first place, and all is well in the world again.

Notes

Really, this is less of a Christmas story and more of a perhaps bowing to pressure to bring Brian back (though it may all have been planned, who knows?) and as the former it really doesn't work. They would have been better just making it the Brian-comes-back story and leaving it at that, though mixing this in as a Christmas episode does work on some levels. The "main story", if you will, sucks balls and is nothing more than an opportunity for Seth to spout his often hateful racist and religiously intolerant rhetoric; it's wrapped up about ten minutes into the episode and is, really, throwaway and not at all important to the episode. It's hardly even linked.

But it's great to see Brian back. I had thought - along with millions of others, no doubt - that it was a stupid, almost suicidal move to kill Brian off. Yes, the shock value was there, but just as Star Trek realised you can't kill a major character off just like that and not get furious feedback from the fans (and even Arthur Conan Doyle found his out a hundred years earlier) Seth must have known it couldn't be a permanent exit. Whether people took to Brian's replacement or not I don't know; Vinny was all right but a bit cliched and I didn't see him do much in the handful of episodes he was in. And his efforts o emulate Brian for Stewie, while laudable on one level, are really just painful. The Griffins without a dog would have been just as effective.

As usual, nothing for the rest of the family to do. I'm not sure Meg even spoke - maybe had one or two lines - Chris was as useless as ever and even Lois had little to say or do. At least Peter didn't take over the episode, though he was given time to crap all over it with, as I said above, some very unnecessary and frankly horrible scenes which I did not find at all funny, nor appropriate for a Christmas episode. Yeah, yeah, my knickers are untwisted, but still, there's no need for that kind of thing I feel.

I'd rate this as a total failure if it wasn't for the subplot (which I consider really the main plot, despite the title) which rescues it and makes it watchable, even good. But never a Christmas episode. Without question, Brian and Stewie aside, the worst one I've reviewed here yet.

[Trollheart]

Well it's your own fault. I told you to take it easy, stay behind me, hold the rail, but no: you had to go rushing down, didn't you? Lost your grip and now you have a twisted ankle. Ah here, just lean on me, you'll be all right. We're nearly there.

Tell you what: you're lucky you didn't run into one of the giant mutant rats! Oh no, I'm not kidding. Do you know how long this place has been in existence? How long they've been down here, breeding away? I swear, I once saw one - that big, it was. That, with a tail! Nah nah, you'll be fine. The light scares them off.

We're nearly there now. Like they say, third time unlucky, eh? Sorry. Just my little bit of dark humour. Okay then, twice we've walked down these cold stone steps and witnessed sights to freeze the heart and numb the soul. Can we make it one more time? I invite you, once more, then, to



Title: Jack Frost
Year: 1997
Writer(s): Michael Cooney, Jeremy Paige
Director: Michael Cooney
Genre: Comedy Horror/Slasher
Stars: Christopher Allport, Stephen Mendel, F. William Parker, Scott MacDonald, Shannon Elizabeth, Rob LaBelle

Now here's an interesting thing. There are in fact two movies named Jack Frost, released within a year of each other. One stars Michael Keaton as a dad who comes back as a snowman (weird enough) and then there's the sequel Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Killer Snowman, released in 2000. It seemed odd to me that an actor of Keaton's standing would take part in what appeared to be a cheap slasher comedy, but I thought, maybe he did it for laughs.

Turns out that's not the case.

The sequel is the follow-up to this movie, which is the original slasher comedy horror one and Keaton's is, well, not. I may have been doing it a disservice, and if so, I apologise Mr. Keaton, if somewhere in cyberspace this article comes to your attention. My bad. Though blame the writer of the movie for not checking if the title had already been used before going ahead. Still, my bad.

This, on the other hand, seems pure slasher comedy gold, in all the worst ways possible, so I'm hoping it will finish off our trio of the terrible and leave us all with an uncomfortable ache in our stomach that has nothing to do with the third helping of turkey, and a headache that can't be blamed on the booze.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow...

From the off I'm disturbed at the idea of a little child asking for a story and being told about a serial killer named Jack Frost. I mean, yes, obviously it's acting but you can hear the child get upset as the story turns from what she thought it might be to a very dark and terrible one, and the sadistic delight the adult seems to take making the account as visceral and graphic as possible, while clearly aware the child is becoming terrified, and even asks for the story to stop, but he goes on - this is very troubling. It's not a good start. Yes, it's just a movie. Yes, they're both actors. But do we need this sort of gratuitous, well, you can only call it meanness, can't you? And towards a kid? Bah.

The movie opens (all the above nastiness has taken place over the credits, possibly turning some people off before the thing even starts) with a prison van heading into deep snow at night, in the back serial killer Jack Frost, being conveyed to prison for his execution. Of course it crashes, colliding indeed with another van carrying genetic experimental material. As Jack exults in his reprieve, the hatch on the van blows and he is doused in the genetic material. Next we see a flashback to the sheriff who caught him, after the FBI had failed over several years, and now that sheriff passes, with his family, the point where Frost's accident has just occurred.

When an old man is found dead just outside of Snomonton (I kid you not, again), sitting in his rocking chair outside his house, nobody can figure it out. No sign of injury, no weapon, no suspect. The sheriff, Sam Tiler (seriously? Like, Sam Tyler from Life on Mars? Different spelling sure, and he was a detective, but still...) gets in touch with the FBI to ensure Frost is dead. The murder - his head was forced back with such strength that it snapped - sparks unrest in the village and men arm themselves. Meanwhile Tiler's son is menaced by a group of bullies as he tries to give the finishing touches to a snowman someone - not him - has built in his garden. The bully - Billy (yeah, Billy the bully, ho hum) knocks the head off the snowman, and promptly loses his head - literally. His own snow sled slices it off after he has, um, lost his balance.

Billy's dad is not convinced and thinks the sheriff's son was to blame. Given the disparity in their sizes, this seems unlikely, and the fact that he puts his hands on the sheriff, even considering he's suffering from grief-related anger, and Tiler doesn't react really, is a little hard to believe. Out in his garden that night, Jake Metzner, Billy's father, thinks he hears someone talking to him, but there's nobody there. Except that snowman. Taking an axe and ready to confront, as he sees it, the psycho who killed old man wotsit, he ends up with the axe buried in his head. The snowman (look, let's just cut all the mystery and spoilers out here, huh? It's Jack, obviously) then kills his wife by strangling her with the Christmas tree lights. Nice. Paul Davrow, the general store owner and friend of Sheriff Tiler, comes upon the scene and can't believe it. He runs off.

The FBI turn up. Are they the FBI? One of the guys is Stone, a research scientist for the company that made the genetic material Jack was doused in, and he's already been talking about how they now have a live subject, and that it's a "pity" it happens to be a serial killer. They examine the water footprint left at the Metzners' home and Stone is aghast. His doohickey shows him that the water can freeze, unfreeze and freeze again, which explains (kind of) how Jack got into the house, and indeed back out. Like a ghost he's literally leaking in and out through the walls and doors, seeping in under the cracks, and reforming once inside. Not like a ghost then. Well, you know what I mean. Look, just shut up okay?

Tiler is told to put a curfew in place, and just as he announces this (at the Snowman Festival, no less!) a crazed Paul Davrow arrives and starts smashing all the snowmen outside, having seen Jack with his own eyes. He's taken into custody for his own safety. Deputy Pullman is sent to his house to see what spooked him, but on the way Jack accosts him, takes his car and runs him over. Yeah you read that correctly: a  living snowman can drive a car. What's he using to grip the wheel? And how's he sitting anyway? Questions that will probably never be answered, and it might be best for all if we just back slowly away without making eye contact, and continue on down this strange snowy rabbit hole.

Jill has set off to meet her lover, Tommy Davrow, in the sheriff's empty house, and as they prepare to get down to it, there's a Jack attack! The kid goes first, then the homicidal snowman has some fun with Jill. He then heads back to the station to take on the sheriff, where Stone and Manners are forced to come clean - kind of - about their intentions. When Tiler realises this is Jack Frost come back from the dead (not really; he never quite died, but, you know...) he attacks him with, um, a hairdryer. Well, seems an appropriate weapon to use against something made of snow, yes? It actually seems to be working until he advances too far and the cord comes out. Oops!

There emerges another problem: Stone doesn't want to kill Jack. He's the proof he's been looking for that his experimental technology works, and he wants to study the snowman. Hard to do, of course, if you haven't got a head, but  you know how scientists are, don't live in the real world that often. Manners - who turns out not in fact to have been an FBI agent at all (shock horror!) but a paid mercenary working for Stone - knocks him down, and Tiler, Sally and he prepare a bunch of, er, cleaning products with which to take on the crazy snowman. They escape, and then torch the building, Jack exploding in the process.

And that's the end of that.

Of course it is.

Not.

Takes more than a little ol' explosion to put our Jack Frost down!

Reconstituting himself - though slightly knackered, with his head sticking out of his side - Jack hobbles off, telling them he'll be back. As they regroup, they consider forcing him into the boiler room, where the temperatures might be high enough to stop him reforming. (Look, there's some technobabble which explains how Jack became what he is, what Stone's research is all about, but it's so stupidly tongue-in-cheek and up its own arse that I'm not going to dignify it with inclusion here. Watch the movie if you must know. Believe me, it's not integral to the plot). They then attack him with more hairdryers, this time, Tiler having learned from his previous mistake, they use an extension cord, and Jack is forced back

Convinced all is done, as Jack is pushed into the boiler and melts, everyone heads off, but once again the terror snowman is not done, and he emerges from the boiler, kills Manners and Stone, and pounds outside. Actually, he doesn't kill Stone so much as possess him (but then he kills him) and through a pretty unlikely chain of circumstances they find out that anti-freeze hurts him, so they drive a big truck full of the stuff up and the sheriff knocks Jack into it, and that's the end of him. They bury what's left, along with a bunch of anti-freeze, and the nightmare is over.

By which I mean, of course, the movie.


QUOTES

Tiler: "Look, old man Harper lived out here, way on the outskirts of town..."
Davrow : "What does that mean? We all live way out on the outskirts of town!"

Tiler: "It'll be like a gold-dang turkey shoot!"
Sally: "Hey it's quicker than a jury!"
(Fine words for a cop, huh?)

Tiler (to Billy's dad): "It couldn't have been a fight! Billy is two feet taller than Ryan!"
(Um, maybe one and a half feet, now...)

Jill Metzner: "Jesus dad! I love him!"
Jake Metzner: "Do not be forsaking the name of the Lord in my house, little girl!"
(Forsaking? Doesn't be mean taking in vain? Nobody forsakes a name, much less that of Jesus. Not in that way anyhow. Also: Jake and Jill? Really? )

Deputy Pullman (on coming across the corpse of Mrs. Metzner): "You don't think we should leave her up for the full days of Christmas then?"

Tiler: "I want you to call around and see if you can get in touch with Jill Metzner. Oh, and call the FBI too: some asshole in the field office. Who are you?"
Agent Manners: "I'm the asshole."

Manners: "Have the M.V.s been moved yet?"
Tiler: "Motor... vehicles?"
Manners: "Murder victims."

Tiler: "I'm going to instigate a twenty-four hour curfew for the town. Now I'm not going to arrest you if you're walking down the main street, but it's for your own safety."
(Right. So basically, a curfew you're not going to explain, or enforce - and more, have told the fucking townspeople you're not going to enforce - and you think they're going to just, what, do the right thing?)

Tiler (about Manners): "What the hell's eating him?"
Pullman: "I bet it ain't his girlfriend!"

Tiler (after Jack has been melted): "We iced him!"

Jack (as Manners turns the hair dryer on him, only to realise it's been unplugged): "Blow me!"


Notes

The van transporting Jack Frost is labelled STATE EXECUTIONAL TRANSFER VEHICLE. Executional? Is that even a word??

Got to love an entrepreneur grabbing the moment! When tensions rise in Snomonton, Davrow yells "I'll be open all night if anyone wants to buy ammo! Twenty percent off for emergencies!" He's not short on takers.

It's absolutely hilarious that as Billy's body - head carried separately - is taken to the hearse, the background music playing is the "Tidings of comfort and joy" part of God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen!

Agent Manners warns Tiler that if he doesn't fall in line he'll have him replaced. I've seen enough FBI shows to know that there is absolutely no way a Federal agent has the power to replace a town sheriff.

Again, kudos to whoever arranged the music. As Jill prepares to seduce her boyfriend and they take off their clothes, the tune playing is "The Twelve Days of Christmas". As they get more passionate and heated, the tune speeds up into a jazzy, breathless number, certainly reflecting their excitement. Then, as she prepares to undo the last buttons on her blouse, it slows right down, like stripper music, and when she stops, holding off, not opening the last button, it goes into a warp and stops. Really well done. I haven't seen music - certainly Christmas music - used this well in a movie since, well, almost ever. Guy should have got a reward. Who was responsible? Well, music is by Chris Anderson and Carl Shurtz, but it could be down to the director, or even the editor, one Terry Kelley. But whoever it was: best thing about the movie.

The bottle of champagne fizzing up while Tommy holds it at his crotch is another cleverly sexual idea. Clever too when the ice in the freezer looks as if it has a carrot poking out of it (which it may do) and so looks like Jack is in there. I also like the tiny cardboard snowman popping out of the drawer. All nice little effects that set you up for what's coming.

I love when Manners is talking and Sally is behind him, he holds out his mug as if he expects her to take it like a good little girl. She doesn't, and he's left holding it, looking pretty stupid. Would have been perfect had he let it go and it smashed on the ground.

Good touch when the priest, firing a hairdryer at Jack like the rest of them, makes the sign of the cross with it, totally deadpan serious.

I would say they missed a perhaps obvious chance for a quip as Jack melts in the boiler. He doesn't growl "I'm melting! What a world!" Oh well.

I must credit Scott MacDonald, who voiced Jack. Although he's only seen on screen for a few minutes before he gets transformed, he has the best lines of all while a snowman, and plays the part with gleeful abandon, almost a Nicholson Joker. Bravo. His deep, gravelly voice is perfect too.

Is there anything good about this movie?

You know, it's not half as bad as it ... all right, it is as bad as it sounds, But they get something of a pass because it's played for laughs. Even though lines are delivered with perfect straight-faced sincerity, it's clear those saying them know they're mouthing cliches and having fun. Nobody takes this seriously, which might have been a problem if they had, because how could you? But the fact that behind the mask, as it were, everyone seems to be in on the joke (especially MacDonald, who turns in a star performance surely worthy of some award as the maniacal snowman, firing off one-liners while that frowning snowman face just makes them all the funnier, to say nothing of the cigar in his mouth!) makes it okay.

The story line is ludicrous, the resolution, though inventive, damn ridiculous (who would put anti-freeze in porridge, which is how Tiler finds out how to inflict damage on Jack - couldn't he just have I don't know, thrown a can at him and accidentally hit him? Seems to be stretching it, and I say that in the full knowledge of how crazy this movie is) and the murders are just too funny to be scary.

It's maybe a case of the movie being so bad it's good, but that usually implies that it wasn't set up that way, and I think this was. Nobody could have been expected to have taken this on its own merits, so surely they were just looking for ways to point out mad scenarios used in slasher movies and make fun of them? If so, they succeeded quite well. Mind you, the fact that there's a sequel to this gives me the impression they may not have learned the lesson, though its being set on a tropical island - well, maybe the joke continues. Does it wear thin though? I don't know, but here I think just about everything works, and it falls a gnat's wing short of greatness.

Good fun, but I don't think I'll be checking my garden for homicidal snowmen next time it snows!

I mean, how could you take such a concept seri - uh? What's that out there? Surely not! It couldn't be! Oh fuck! I - I gotta go... Happy Christmas all!

What? No, of course it's not a fucking giant living snowman! Don't be stupid.

It's much, much worse.

Oh God! It is, isn't it?

Christmas carollers....

[Trollheart]

Back to

for

Episode title: The Best Christmas Story Never Told
Series: American Dad
Season: 3
Written by: Brian Boyle
First transmitted: December 17 2006

Stan is angry that "liberals" are "stealing Christmas". He has a point, to be fair. The Christmas tree in the town square is removed due to an injunction stating that the land it stands on, being public land, is not a fit place for religious icons, and so is removed. Nobody will wish him a Merry Christmas, it's all Happy Holidays (and boy do I hate that!) as if everyone is afraid of offending those who do not celebrate Christmas (cough) Muslims (cough) so he decides to do something about it. Roger is depressed that he has been, he tells the Smiths, sixty years on this planet without anything to show for it. Stan is so angry with not being able to say Merry Christmas that he decides there will be no Christmas, but as he sleeps on the sofa, banished there by Francine, the Ghost of Christmas Past visits him.

Ah, we all know where this is going now, don't we?

No. No we don't.

Breaking away from the Ghost when he is brought to 1970, Stan realises that the one person he can blame the new "liberal Christmas" is Jane Fonda. Look, don't ask: just go with it, ok? So he sets off to the set (sorry) of the movie Klute, which she is filming at this time, determined to kill her. However when he goes to see her and spies on a conversation between her and Donald Sutherland, he hears that it is actually him who encouraged her to get into politics, so now Kiefer's father is his target. The Ghost meanwhile goes back to the present and enlists Francine's aid in tracking her husband down. Roger, working as a busboy in the hotel which Stan has just sneaked into, finds a cassette tape Stan bought him as a cheap Christmas present in the, um, present, a recording of disco's greatest hits. This allows him to debut artists nobody has ever heard of before, as they've not been recorded yet, and raises him to the level of superstar music mogul.

Stan meets Martin Scorsese, and convinces him to give up drugs, then just as he's about to shoot Sutherland the Ghost and Francine stop him. The Ghost warns him that any action he takes here can have drastic consequences in the future, their, ah, present. I guess. Anyway Stan as usual is not listening, but it's too late as he's dragged back to his own time. Unfortunately, everything has changed, and the US is now under Russian control. Checking back through his actions, the Ghost deduces that getting Scorsese off drugs led by an unlikely chain of circumstances which are too silly to relate (but see notes below) to Reagan not getting re-elected in 1984, and Walter Mondale, as president, handing over the USA to the Soviets.

They realise they have to go back to the past to undo what Stan did, but of course it goes wrong. Stan now has to make the movie Taxi Driver in order to get John Hinckley to be so obsessed with Jodie Foster that he shoots Reagan to impress her, but Stan is no movie maker and fires De Niro, casting instead John Wayne (!) and making the movie a shoot-em-up western, all of which fails to draw Hinckley to Foster. Left with no option, Stan must face the inevitable. If anyone can save America, it's him, and if that means shooting his hero, then so be it! Stan Smith must attempt to assassinate Ronald Reagan!

It's now 1981, and to Roger's horror the disco boom is about to go flat. Nobody's buying disco records any more, and his party is over. He's lost all his money, and investing it badly ("What about all the racehorses I bought? I thought you were feeding them!") has wiped him out entirely. Stan does what needs to be done, and everything goes back to how it was. Christmas, and America, has been saved.

Notes

Again, it's hardly original, mixing elements of A Christmas Carol with Back to the Future, but it's still streets ahead of Family Guy. Technically speaking, like the aforementioned Family Guy, this isn't quite a Christmas story. It would have stood up as a normal episode, but the idea of losing Christmas kind of adds to it. There are clever touches. Roger becoming a disco impresario and the sudden death of disco are well signposted, and the tacit admission (whether true or not I don't know) that Martin Scorsese needed drugs to enable him to make his iconic movie is clever too, though to be honest the chain of circumstances that then lead to the Soviet takeover of America is a little, shall we say, tenuous, at best? Here's how it supposedly runs:

Scorsese needed to do coke in order to make Taxi Driver. When Stan gets him off drugs it kills his creativity and the movie is not made. Without being cast in the movie, Jodie Foster then never impresses John Hinckley to the extent that he shoots Reagan to try to impress her, and Reagan in his turn does not have the added impetus of having survived assassination to enable him to win re-election in 1984. The presidency goes to Mondale, who hands over, for some reason, the USA to the Soviet Union a few months into his term. Um, yeah. None of those things could happen, and even if they did, Foster was in other movies before 1981, any of which Hinckley could have seen her in. Not to mention that Reagan was, at the time of the 1984 re-election, still very popular and would have been even without the assassination, which only served to boost his already high standing, not revive a flagging popularity. Mondale was never in contention.

Of course, you can dissect the idea behind this as much as you want, and none of it is as stupid and just completely impossible as a sitting American president ceding his authority to the Russians (maybe Trump, I don't know; that guy's like a jilted lover and he is crazy, but only a month or so left to go!), though this I guess feeds into Stan's misplaced idea of the Democrats as commies and liberal bleeding hearts without the stomach for a fight. Similarly, Stan's contention that Jane Fonda is somehow to blame for liberalism may have some basis in a grain of truth, but she can hardly be blamed for the more PC America you guys live in now, and killing her would likely have achieved nothing, though in the end he switches his attentions to Donald Sutherland. It's all pretty silly, but it is fun.

We do learn a few things in this episode, and I don't mean that there's DNA in poo, as the Ghost of Christmas Past tells us dejectedly. We learn that though Roger has only been with the Smiths for four years, he has been on Earth for sixty, having been in the UFO that crashed in Roswell. We learn that Stan hates the liberalisation of Christmas, particularly people wishing him "Happy Holidays" and that he thinks Jesus was born in a mangler. He also believes there is nothing as American as a Christmas tree, though when he thinks about it, with Steve's help, an American flag with little Christmas trees for stars might be even better. Finally, we learn that Roger's story about being a flash music mogul in the seventies is actually true, though this is only possible because of Stan buying him a tape in the present and then going into the past and dropping it, so if he hadn't bought it in the present how could he... let's not go there, okay? This is confusing enough.

I don't get the idea of the Christmas (sorry, Holiday) Rapist. He's mentioned at the beginning and you think he's going to play some part in the story, but he doesn't. All he ends up being is another peg to hang a not particularly funny joke on, and refer back to when the Ghost of Christmas Past appears to Stan. Bit of a wasted opportunity: they could have I don't know, met him in 1974 maybe, done something that turned him into the Christmas sorry Holiday Rapist, but they swerved that one. Almost as if the writer had forgotten about him.

[Trollheart]

Surprising even myself, I find that all my hard work over the last two days has meant we have run out of bad Christmas movies!

Well of course we haven't, not really. There will always be bad Christmas movies, just as there will always be those idiots who insist on pressing the button rapidly and repeatedly on a traffic crossing, or people who walk along with their nose buried in their mobile phone and then complain when someone walks into them. But I've used up the supply I had already written, and while yes, I could write more, I really don't want to start doing that.

But how to keep your attention? Well, it's changing the rules somewhat, but then, it is my thread, so why not? Check this out, written way back in 2013. Or, to put it another way...
Stick THIS in your stocking!!!!

He's makin' a list, checkin' it twice... ooh yeah, we're into the final runup to that favourite of department stores and advertising executives, for some the most important birthday of the year, for others a chance to get the family together and have a big fight. The month credit cards dread, and which trees live in fear of. That time of the year when you look despairingly at your budget and wonder if the kids would still believe in having an "imagination Christmas"?

Santa Claus is gearing up his sleigh, Rudolph is desperately trying to clean up his act again this year, and everyone from Argos to Boots, from Walmart to PC World have ideas for "the perfect Christmas gift", but you know you're going to end up with either a voucher or some badly-needed socks and underwear, or maybe aftershave, the latter of which is even worse to receive if you're a guy! But here at SCD we all know what we're going to hope to get for Xmas, and whether it's hardcore punk, freestyle jazz, depressive suicidal black metal or progressive rock, we're all pointing to our favourite albums online and hoping our parents/friends/significant other/anyone who has money is watching, and taking note.

But this is a selection of albums nobody in their right mind is going to want to see in their stocking come Christmas morning!

I'm not talking about Santa's Greatest Hits, or Now That's What I Call Christmas, or any of the other many, many compilations or collections of dubious Christmas songs that get churned out every year. They're bad enough, but hey, we all want to hear Christmas songs at the party, don't we? And there have been some decent ones down the years, from the perennial favourites like Slade's "Merry Xmas Everybody", Lennon's "Merry Xmas (War is over)" and Wham's "Last Christmas" to the downright awful, with songs like Mud's "It'll Be Lonely This Christmas", Brenda Lee's "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" and, er, Wham's "Last Christmas", to say nothing of timeless gems like Bing's "White Christmas" and Mathis's "When a Child is Born". No, these songs all have their deserved place in the season, and Christmas without them would be like Christmas without Santa or the cold silence following the argument at the dinner table, or pretending to like that horrible pressie your aunt just gave you. Again. For the fourth Christmas in a row.

No, I'm talking here about artists who make one-off Christmas albums; people who have no business doing so, some who in fact have no business making albums at all, and are only cashing in on the Christmas market in order to sell some units and beef up their already healthy bank balance. Albums with titles like A [insert artist name here] Christmas or Christmas with [insert artist name here]; albums that you know are either going to be filled with the artist's interpretation of carols and Christmas songs, or which, even worse, are going to contain original Christmas songs, written by them (or for them) "especially for this festive season". Ugh!

So anyway, these are not in order, as I would never have the time nor the stamina to listen to them enough to be able to rate them, but they are without question some of the worst Christmas albums ever recorded. They will in no way be the usual in-depth reviews I write - you'll hear no mention of "a rippling keyboard melody backed up by growling guitar" - and will in fact be very short, whimsical and satirical reviews, mostly focussing on the possible reasons why someone would record such a thing, apart from the obvious.

Unlike the Christmas movies, these ones I did listen to (god help me) and so can review in some confidence. The things I do for you people! So no matter how awful that Christmas gift is, be thankful no-one thought to get you any of these turkeys!

Disclaimer: Oh come on! I shouldn't have to write this, should I? Oh very well then, my lawyers insist... This section is meant to be for fun only, so any jokes made here at the expense of any artist should not be taken as overly critical of them. No insult or disrespect is intended, and please try to take everything said here with a pinch of reality (or cop-on, as we say here in Ireland) and in the spirit of Christmas.

And so.. on, Dasher! On, Prancer! On... er, the other ones! We've got 25 terrible albums to feature, and Christmas Day is fast approaching!

Now, few things in life are as scarily wholesome as the Waltons! The image George H.W. (no, I don't think it stands for "huge wank---") Bush wanted America to emulate, they were for decades the most sickeningly sweet family on TV. I much preferred the Ingalls. But this is their album, and you're going to be subject to the full force of their "Mom and Apple Pie Music" (TM) brand of Americana on it.


A Waltons Christmas: Together Again - The Waltons (cast) - 1999


To get us "in the mood" (for slitting our wrists, perhaps?) we have the famous (or infamous, depending on how you remember it) theme from the show, followed by a spoken narrative about how great life was on Walton Mountain, where time always seemed to stand still and no-one hated anyone, on into some bluegrass on "Christmas Time's a-Comin'" - yeah, we know, guys. There are no less than four "intros", which are basically a minute or less of spoken material, and much of the rest is what you'd expect from the Waltons: hillbilly, thigh-slappin', toe-tappin', I'm-in-Hell country downhome uptempo tunes, with some Christmas favourites thrown in. But hold on, cos even those Xmas standards like "Sleigh Ride", "All I Want for Christmas" and "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" are all dang-fired countryfied, y'all! Yeah, everything comes with a double-thick helping of country and bluegrass, making me almost wish I was listening to Now That's What I Call Christmas - yeah, that bad! I mean, I like my bluegrass, but it's the Waltons! They could be performing ten-minute wibbly prog rock keyboard solos and I'd still hate it. Let me repeat, in case you didn't get it the first time: it's. The. Waltons! Christ, we even get "John Boy" reading a poem! Shoot me now!

Ah, if you loved the Waltons, you'll love this. Probably. If, like me, their unpalatable, unreal over-niceness stuck in your throat, you're gonna think you've got a turkey bone lodged there if you are unlucky enough to have to listen to this. Me, I'm for headin' up that thar mountain trail with a loaded double-barreled and a few mean dogs: who's with me?

TRACKLISTING


1. Waltons theme
2. Earl Hamner's narrative
3. Christmas time's a-comin'
4. Intro to mama's applesauce cake
5. Mama's applesauce cake
6. Sleigh ride
7. Follow that star
8. That's what Christmas means to me
9. Intro to Have yourself a merry little Christmas
10. Have yourself a merry little Christmas
11. Intro to Snowmanland
12. Snowmanland
13. Twas the night before Christmas
14. Little drummer boy
15. Home for the holidays
16. Santa's big parade
17. Intro to All I want for Christmas
18. All I want for Christmas
19. Good night

PS Luckily for you good folks I was unable to track down any videos from this album, but as for the other albums, where I can, I'll feature one video. You have been sufficiently warned; click on future YouTubes at your own risk...

[Trollheart]

Blackadder's Christmas Carol

To kind of tie in with my Scrooge Showdown, now in progress, but not included as it is a TV special and very different to any of the movies, here's the hilarious interpretation Ben Elton and Richard Curtis put on the classic tale. Sorry but I can't find it on YouTube...

For those of you who don't know, Edmund Blackadder is a character portrayed by British comedian Rowan Atkinson down through the ages, beginning in 14th century England, then moving on to Elizabethan times and then the eighteenth century before ending up in World War One. All through the series Blackadder is shown to be a devious fellow whose plans sometimes, but not always, come off the way he intends them to, but always with hilarious consequences. Through all four series and down through time he has always had a servant called Baldrick, though in "Blackadder goes forth", the final series set in wartorn France, he is an aide-de-camp to Blackadder, who is a captain in the army.

Turning the concept of the story entirely on its head, Ebeneezer Blackadder (what? You thought he'd be called Scrooge?) is known throughout London as the kindest, most generous man in the city, perhaps in the country. To the poor he opens his doors, to the destitute he renders any assistance he can. He sees the good in all men, and because of his trusting, almost naively innocent nature, is a target for every user, scoundrel and conman that crosses his path. He is taken advantage of by family and friends, all of whom see him as a soft touch. His only real friend, Mister Baldrick, loves him for who he is but is equally unable to make his master see the way others use him for their own needs.

Meanwhile, at the palace, Queen Victoria is about to set forth with her husband Albert on their traditional "Christmas adventure", when they disguise themselves as ordinary folk and seek out people to reward for their kindness to their fellow man. When they reach Blackadder's house they manage to get his turkey, the last thing he has left after having been robbed of all his money (by Mrs Scratchett and an urchin), his presents (by his god-daughter Millicent) his tree (same) and his nuts (by the Beadle). Dejected, and with nothing, he heads to bed, but Baldrick tells him that while he was out a strange ghostly being entered, telling him that they would have a visitation that night. Shaking his head, Blackadder retires.

That night, the Ghost of Christmas enters, but seems to be just passing through, as he says Blackadder is such a good man there is no need for him to try to convert him. He does however accept a drink, and gets to talking with Blackadder, telling him about his ancestors, most of whom were mean, nasty people, as we know. We're then treated to special "flashbacks" to previous Blackadder shows, such as Blackadder II, where we see the Queen abolish Christmas, Blackadder petulantly destroy the painting he had been about to give her, only for her to change her mind about Christmas and leave him facing execution. Being Blackadder though, he manages to trick her into signing a death warrant for Lord Melchet instead, and is thus saved from the axe.

Having seen this, Ebeneezer Blackadder is most impressed at his ancestor's guile and cunning, and when the Spirit shows him another of his forebears, Blackadder III, who lived around the 1790s, he is further enchanted. This particular ancestor tries to trick his master, the Prince Regent, who has about as many braincells as a fish has bicycle clips, into handing over all his Christmas presents to Baldrick, dressed as an old woman with a tale of woe. Unfortunately, he becomes a victim of his own plan when Baldrick lets in an actual poor old woman who happens by, collecting for charity, and it is to her that all the Prince's presents go.

Again, his descendant marvels at the ingenuity of the long-dead relative, and asks to be shown his own future, should he change his ways and become like his forebears. In this possible future he sees himself as the commander of a galactic fleet, marrying the queen of the universe. Then he checks to see what would happen if he remains as he is, and is less than pleased with the results, as he is now subservient to Baldrick! After seeing this he decides to change who he is. The next morning he sets about being as mean and nasty as he can be, getting his own back on those who have taken advantage of him over the years. And because everyone expects him to still be the kind, snivelling old soft touch he was, his plan works brilliantly. Enemy after enemy is despatched, from the grasping Mrs Scratchett and her not-so-crippled son to his own god-daughter, who is sent running with a flea in her ear. Even his oldest friend, Mister Baldrick, is not safe from his new persona,  as he reverts to the type of man he has seen his ancestors were.

Unfortunately, the Queen chooses that day, Christmas Day to revisit Ebeneezer to reward his philantrophy, kindness and general niceness, but he is now a miserable skinflint, caustic and horrible to everyone, and failing to recognise Victoria and Albert he insults them and throws them out of the house. And there, in one day, go his hopes of ever being Baron Blackadder, the nicest man in England.

QUOTES
Blackadder (off camera): "Humbug! Humbug!" (Coming in the door with bag of sweets) "Humbug, Mister Baldrick?"

Blackadder (looking at Baldrick's Christmas card: "Christmas has an "h" in it, Mister Balrdick. And an "r". Also an "i", an "s", also a "t", an "m" and "a", and another "s". Oh, and you've missed out the "C" at the beginning. Congratulations, Mister Baldrick: something of a triumph I think: you must be the first person who's ever spelled "Christmas" without getting any of the letters right at all!"

Mrs Scratchett: "No goose for Tiny Tom this year!"
Blackadder: "Mrs Scratchett, Tiny Tom is fifteen stone and built like a brick privy! If he eats any more heartily he will turn into a pie shop!"

Blackadder: "What a jolly fellow!"
Baldrick: "Looked like a fat git to me."
Blackadder: "Well, yes, but you mustn't judge people from outside appearances, Mr. Baldrick. Strip away the outer layers from a fat git and inside you'll probably find..."
Baldrick: "A thin git."

Blackadder: "I detect from your accent, sir, that you are not from around here."
Prince Albert: "Er, nein! I am from ... Glas-gow."

Baldrick: "Night night. Oh, I forgot to mention: while you were out there there was this enormous ghostly creature came in saying Beware, for tonight you shall receive a strange and terrible visitation! Just thought I'd mention it. It come through the wall, it said its piece, and then it sodded off."

Ghost: "Spirit of Christmas, how d'ye do? Just doing my rounds. A wee bit of haunting, making evil old misers change their ways. Course, you're such a good fellow there'll be no need for any of that nonsense! So I'll just say cheery-bye and be on my way."
Blackadder: "Can I offer you a cup of tea?"
Ghost: "Ye wouldn't have anything a wee bit more ... medicinal?"
Blackadder: "Only Nurse McCreedy's Surgical Brews Lotion."
Ghost: "Hey! Nothing but the best in this house!"

Baldrick: "Have you anything for me?"
Blackadder II: "Oh, it's nothing really..."
Baldrick: "Oh sir!"
Blackadder II: "No, really. It's nothing. I didn't get you anything."

Blackadder II: "Melchet, greetings! I trust that Christmas brings you its traditional  mix of good food and violent stomach cramps."
Melchet: "Compliments of the season to you, Blackadder. May the yuletide log slip from your fire and burn your house down."

Blackadder II: "Hah! Got him with my subtle plan!"
Baldrick: "I can't see any subtle plan."
Blackadder II: "Baldrick, you wouldn't see a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked upon a harpsichord singing Subtle plans are here again!"

Queen: "I want presents! Give me something nice and shiny. And if you don't I have something nice and shiny for you. It's called an axe!"

Blackadder III, explaining the rules of Charades: "If it was the Bible I'd do this (holds up two fingers) to indicate it has two syllables..."
Prince Regent: "Two what?"
Blackadder III: "Two syllables."
Prince: "Two silly bulls? Don't remember any silly bulls in the Bible! I remember a fatted calf, but from what I can recall that was quite a sensible animal."

Blackadder III: "So, shall I begin the Christmas story then?"
Prince: "Absolutely. As long as it's not that terribly depressing one about the chap who gets born on Christmas Day, shoots his mouth off about everything under the sun and comes a cropper with a couple of rum coves on top of a hill in Johnny Arabland!"
Blackadder III: "You mean Jesus?"
Prince: "Yes, keep him out. He always spoils the Xmas atmos!"

Spirit: "It does point to a very clear lesson."
Ebeneezer Blackadder: "Namely?"
Spirit: "Uh, namely ... that the rewards of virtue are largely spiritual, but all the better for it."
Ebeneezer: "Really? You don't think it points to the more obvious lesson that bad guys have more fun?"

Ebeneezer: "Don't be too downhearted, Mr Baldrick, for if you look down in the bottom of the sock, you'll see there's something there from me. And it's something I made myself."
Baldrick: "Well that's the kind of gift that shows the most love! What is it?"
Ebeneezer: "It's ... (withdrawing his hand from the stocking) "a fist! You use it for hitting!" (Demonstrates) "And the wonderful thing about it is, you can use it again (hits Baldrick) and again!"

Ebeneezer: "Love, I should warn you, is like a Christmas cracker. One massively disappointing bang and the novelty soon wears off!"

Mrs Scratchett: "Ah Mr. Ebeneezer. I was wondering if you had a little present for me? Or found me a little fowl for Tiny Tom's Christmas?"
Ebeneezer: "I've always found you foul, Mrs. Scratchett, and more than a little. As for Tiny Tom, he can stuff it up his enormous muscular backside!"
Mrs Scratchett: "But 'e's a cripple!"
Ebeneezer: "He's not a cripple, Mrs Scratchett. Occasionally saying "Phew my leg hurts!"when he remembers to wouldn't fool Baldrick! If I was you I'd scoop him out and use him as a houseboat. Good day!"

Queen Victoria: "We are Queen Victoria!"
Baldrick: "What? All three of you?"