Trollheart's Christmas Movies & TV Megathread (Incorporating The Scroogedown)

[Trollheart]

And now we... what? Get off! Ummphh! Lemme outta here! What the... ow! Stop hitting me! It really hurts!



Ah, yes, excellent! That will teach this Trollheart not to underestimate the likes of me! Why, I made him what he is, you know. Oh yes: he wouldn't be where he is today without me! What? Did he think his many enemies just "disappeared" on their own? I've managed to kick in the door of his Couch Po-tay-to (well, Smithers did the kicking of course - sigh. Very well, my hired goons did it. Smithers is suited for many things but being a bully-boy is not one of them) to warn you not to watch the tell-o-vision tomorrow, as, like every other day in this bleak, infuriating season when everyone goes around with a smile on their face as if it were painted there (they won't be smiling when their Visa and American Express bills come in I can tell you!), it's really not worth it. Smithers! The sign!

Yes, it's time once again, just before you spread the brandy butter on your Christmas pudding and lift Tom Turkey out of the oven (really? What did turkeys ever do to you? A fine, fat goose is all I need!) to realise how dismal the television, as I believe they call it in these enlightened days - we used to call it the magic cube - is over Christmas, and to spend one more session of


(Annoying but necessary disclaimer: again, all listings are NOT correct at time of going to press).

So, what delights have the television network executives seen fit to foist upon us this year? Let's see, Christmas Day, Christmas Day - La Nollag? What the blue blazes - oh, I see. It's Irish for Christmas Day. Humph. How delightfully provincial! Really, does anyone on the godforsaken island even speak that language? What a waste of time! Oh yes? Well, phog mo shon, as I believe you say over here. Hmm? No, I don't think I'll say that without my burly goons standing over me, you look far too angry and strong. I think I'll just stay here and peruse this rag till ... ah.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 - RTE One - 16:00

Yes yes yes, we all know about the little bespectacled wizard and his many adventures. Don't you people get tired of this upstart? Penultimate instalment, it says here. Let's hope so. Movies like this give maniacal evil genius like myself a bad name!

Happy feet - TG4 - 15:05

Ah yes. Leave it to the Irish language channel to come up with the brilliant idea of running a movie practically everyone has seen (it's 2006, for Heaven's sake!) about animated penguins who cannot sing. Well, who would expect a chocolate bar to be able to - ah, I see. Those sort of penguins. Still sounds rubbish. Still, watch it if you simply must have your fix of feel-good movie magic, I hope you choke on it.

ET the Extraterrestrial - RTE 2 - 19:35

Speaking of movies everyone in the world except Trollheart has seen, look what the other national television channel has dug up in the efforts to be the least hip and up-to-date channel in the world, except perhaps for San Salvador's Tranmissitor Uno. A movie made over THIRTY years ago! Now that's how to attract the viewers and pull them away from

The Doctor Who Christmas Special : The Time of the Doctor - BBC 1 - 19:30

Oh, if you're a fan of the time-travelling meddler you won't want to miss this! Personally, I can't be doing with all that mucking about in time and space. Leave that to the younger chaps. Still, his assistant is very perky, and if there's one thing I do like it's a perky assistant. Given the choice, would you rather watch this or an ancient movie about a plastic puppet who can't find his way back home?    No, no, that was not a tear! It's just a condition I have in my eyes that make me want to - Smithers! The Kleenex! Quickly!

Incidentally, for you Doctor Who fans (no I will certainly not call them that! The very idea! Contract? What contract? Do you know who you're threatening? I'm Charles Montgomery - oh very well! If you must!) or, ahem, Whovians, as I believe you're called, you can catch two other shows about your favourite Timelord here

An Adventure in Space and Time - BBC 2 - 16:30

An entertaining dramatisation of the genesis of the show and the rise to fame of the first Doctor

and if you really have to

Doctor Who at the Proms - BBC 2 - 15:15

The music of Doctor Who played by an orchestra who probably were fed up just kicking about at home and thought why the hell not? We might as well...

Right then! Enough about that Doctor chap! On to the next show.

Downton Abbey Christmas Special - ITV - 20:30

I have never been able to see the attraction of Downton Abbey - give me Upstairs, Downstairs any day! - but for those of you who follow the show this is a special two hour episode focussing on Christmas themes. Bah. How original.

A Muppet Christmas Carol - Channel 4 - 16:35

Ah, one of the few Scrooge movies I can stand. Michael Caine stands tall among the colourful puppets and lays waste to all around him with an Uzi - what? I am? Oh dear me, you're correct. I'm reading the wrong synopsis! How silly of me. Let's see then: a charming retelling of the Dickens tale by the Muppets, with all your favourites. And Micheal Caine. Well, who doesn't like muppets? They work for nothing, don't organise unions, don't take lunch breaks, and you can throw them all in a box when you're finished. Excellent! Still, I preferred the first synopsis.

Matthew Bourne's Sleeping Beauty - BBC 2 - 18:10

Bourne, eh? Isn't he that delightful spy chap who goes around killing and chasing... No? Ah. Wrong Bourne. I... see. Well, we'll just see what the so-called Oir-tee-ee guide has to say about that, shall we? Hmm. "The choreographer reimagines Tchaikovsky's ballet adaptation of the fairy tale", it says here. Yes, well, I doubt too many people will join him. Why is it that they trot out ballet every Christmas? What is the connection, I ask you? I mean, "The Nutcracker", fair enough, but "Sleeping Beauty"? Bah! Smithers! Why are you marking that on the electronic programmer guide? What interest could you possibly have in watching men in tight leotards wiggling their... actually, I'd prefer not to know. I suppose it is Christmas for you, too, after all.

Bear's wild weekend with Stephen Fry - Channel 4 - 20:30

Now I'm sorry to disappoint those of you who think the title refers to a grizzly chasing the annoying Mister Fry through the forest in the hopes of varying its diet for Christmas (now that's something I'd pay to see!) but this is in fact that annoying fellow Bear Grylls, trying to show the Fry one how to survive out in the wilderness, or up some mountain in the rear end of Europe somewhere. No doubt trapping wild game and eating many bugs and disgusting plants along the way. Remind me never to invite him around for dinner! Or Grylls.

A Christmassy Ted - Channel 4 - 23:05

Finally! Something decent. Sort of. That hilarious (and dead) Father Ted and his moronic sidekick get lost in the lingerie section of a huge department store. Yes, well, I've tried that one too, Father! Just buying for the girlfriend, eh? Spiffingly funny show, only suffering from the fact that is has been on EVERY DAMN CHRISTMAS SINCE IT WAS MADE! The joke it beginning to wear thin, although Trollheart will of course tell you otherwise, and has done. Doesn't surprise me in the least: I'm sure he watches it just to see all the knickers and bras and - what? Libel? I assure you it is not. Libel is only if what you say is not true! See you in court? Well, we'll just see about that, won't we now sonny?

Ah, excuse me dear readers but it appears that dashed Trollheart has managed to get himself free and I've been, um, invited to leave this thread. Seems he's a little upset I gave away his secret - all right, all right, I'm going! Come on Smithers! Wouldn't stay here a moment longer. You'll regret this, Trollheart! I swear, if it takes my remaining days alive I will have my revenge. You've made a very powerful enemy, my friend. I'm Charles Montgomery Burns! I should be able to slander anyone I - where did YOU get ... hounds?

Smithers! Get me out of here! NOW!

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Bah Humbug!

[Trollheart]

That's quite enough hilarity for you, young man, young lady, or young (or old) undecided! Time to suffer through another collection of


Christmas Trade (2017)

I really don't know what to say! Peurile, simplistic and somehow Christmas-themed movie about an adult and a child switching bodies, which you've seen done far better in films like Freaky Friday, Big, 18 Going on 30 etc etc etc. Holy crap! William Baldwin and Denise Richards are in it? Must have been some roofie you guys drank! Bet you're sorry now!

Rotten Tomatoes ratings

Tomatometer: n/a
Audience Score: 38%

IMDB rating

4.8/10

Only one critic review, and that's pretty unimpressed as you might imagine. Renee Schonfeld of Common Sense Media yawns Dad, son switch bodies in flimsy, predictable holiday comedy.

Indeed. Another zero percenter on Rotten Tomatoes. Who knew there were so many?

[Trollheart]

Santa Who? (2000)

The late Leslie Nielsen seems to have had some truly bad judgement when accepting movie roles. We all know he was perfect in Police Squad and its not-quite-as-funny spin off movies The Naked Gun (three movies which got progressively more annoying and ran out of ideas more with each sequel) and of course Airplane! And its sequel, in which he more or less made his name as a film star. But then you have Repossessed, 2001: A Space Travesty, Spy Hard, Men With Brooms, two of the Scary Movies, Stan Helsing, Mr (shudder) Magoo and on and on until ten years after this movie he passed away. I expect he will always be remembered as the strait-laced, unintentionally funny Lieutenant Frank Drebin, which is just as well, as he would not want to have left this as his legacy!

Trotting out the tired old story of someone losing their memory (a feat I bet everyone who watched this wishes they could emulate) we have Santa bopping his head and forgetting who he is. Now, since he fell out of his sleigh over LA (yes I know it rhymes) surely it can be assumed he was wearing his Santa suit and so could easily be identified you know what: let's just not trouble the agents of logic with this one, as the writer obviously did not. Nielsen clearly did not learn his lesson from this movie, as the next year he was off starring in Kevin of the North, Men With Brooms and Scary Movie 3, but I guess that's his funeral. Oh. Sorry. Well.

Rotten Tomatoes ratings

Tomatometer: n/a
Audience Score: 27%

IMDB rating

5.2/10

No critics would go on record, so we have only audience reaction, like this one:

Just an awful movie. Don't waste your time watching it.

And this

Many people claim this film can destroy Christmas. Although nothing is that bad, I can see where they are coming from. You'd expect a little bit of comedy from a film with Leslie Nielson about Santa losing his memory. Either I was completely oblivious to the humour, or the film was playing it straight. There's no real entertainment to be had, no fun in sight. It's cheap, and uneventful.

[Trollheart]

A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding (2018)

Chick flick? Has to be. Surely gooey-eyed women are the only ones who would suffer through this tripe, tapping silk handkerchief to eyes as they burble about how beautiful and charming it is. Give me Die Hard any day. If you've seen the original you'll know what to expect, however according to the critics this "holiday romance" movie fails to capture even the feel of the original. Colour me surprised.

Rotten Tomatoes ratings

Tomatometer: 50%
Audience Score: 33%

IMDB rating

5.2/10

Sigh. Magic has not struck twice for this franchise, thought The Decider's Lea Palmieri while Evan Dossey of The Midwest Film Journal pronounced it An overstuffed and desperate sequel that squanders the goodwill of the first film.

Ani Bundel from NBC News THINK agreed: The Royal Wedding is actually less entertaining than the original, mostly because it failed to produce more bizarre, fairy-tale inspired sequences - like the "heroine attacked by wolves" scene in the original version.

Writing in The Pittsburgh Daily Paper, Hannah Lynn noted This movie is frustrating and lifeless, more so than its Hallmark and Lifetime competitors because it's bad on purpose

And one person who saw it opined

A formulaic sequel, A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding is a mildly entertaining yet disappointing Netflix original film. The acting is pretty bad, but then again so is the script; which couldn't be more cliche or trite. There's just no heart in this supposed romantic comedy.

[Trollheart]

A Merry Friggin' Christmas (2014)

A Christmas film with Robin Williams in it? Must be good, right? Well, no. Not according to those who saw it. With a rather unnecessary expletive in the title, the formula seems trite to the nth degree - a road trip back home between a man and his estranged father to collect forgotten Christmas presents.
Critics seemed unanimous that blame could not be laid at the feet of the actors.

Rotten Tomatoes ratings[/u]

Tomatometer: 14%
Audience Score: 21%

IMDB rating

5.1/10

Metacritic rating

28


A slipshod comedy with Williams in default mode as a lovable grouch. A waste of a once-brilliant star. said Rafer Guzman of Newsday, an opinion backed up by Geoff Berkshire of Variety, who said

The makers of "A Merry Friggin' Christmas" sprung for the fancy wrapping but skimped on the gift inside. How else to explain the gathering of such a talented and likable cast in service of such undercooked, utterly laugh-free material?

Andrew Daley of One Room With a View was harsher: Time-worn jokes and Christmas cliches inhibit any form of innovation, resulting in a film of all round mediocrity.

And Nicholas Bell of IONCINEMA agreed: A Merry Friggin' Christmas is just too F'in lazy and milquetoast to register as more than mere background noise

EFilmCritic's Rob Gonsalves felt sorry for Williams who shuffles around looking angry and depressed - more so than the script would justify.

But David Nusair of Reel Film Reviews had two words to describe it: Inconsequential and forgettable...

No respite from the audiences either.

With a paper-thin plot and an incredible cast that is given next to nothing to do, this film does get pretty tired, has it's moments, but is ultimately a dull, poorly lit Christmas film. Mediocre at best!

May he rest in peace, but it's no secret that Robin Williams' film choices after Good Will Hunting simply didn't match his best work. Terrible movie, at least it's super short, no more than 73 minutes at the most. It's not painless, but at least it's over quick.

[Trollheart]

Not really counted as a movie (well, it is, but I'm not featuring it) I just wanted to mention
An Avonlea Christmas (Year unknown, nor do I care)

The King family gather together to celebrate the holidays, however the season is a time of crisis this year as eldest son Felix, who was fighting overseas, is missing in action.

Look, I agree it's probably stupid to hate something you have never seen, have no idea what it is, and whose path you are never likely to cross, but then, I never said I was a reasonable guy, did I? This is probably a TV movie, as IMDB doesn't have anything on it. I have no idea who the King family are, but already I hate them. I'm assuming this is one of those families from some boring series like The Waltons or The Sullivans, who happen to get a Christmas special and turn it into a movie. There's another that really bugs me, though I know absolutely nothing about it: A Wind At My Back Christmas. Makes you want to puke, don't it? Sounds like grandad after he's had too many Brussel sprouts! 

[Trollheart]

The Christmas choir (2008)

Why oh why is it that homeless people are depicted in so many Christmas movies as jolly, cheerful, with a can-do spirit and a determination to enjoy the holiday season despite the fact that have not got two pennies to rub together, nor a roof over their heads? Any homeless people I've ever met have been grouchy, sullen, sad and desperate, as you would expect! These people have NO HOMES! That's why they're called HOMELESS! But Christmas Hollywood movies will forever paint them in an uplifting, optimistic way that has nothing to do with reality. Eh, IMDB?

Nineteen days before Christmas, accountant Peter Brockman is dumped by his fiancée, Jill, because of his workaholic ways and being emotionally detached from life. Proverbially drowning his sorrows (with soda) at a lounge, Peter meets the lounge's "volunteer" blues pianist/singer Bob, who works solely for tips. The two discuss their love of music and Peter's long since forgotten dreams of becoming a musician when he was younger. When Bob invites Peter to his home for dinner with his family followed by a jam session, Peter has no idea that Bob's home is a shelter and that his family is comprised of the other homeless men. After speaking to Sister Agatha, the tough, straight-talking nun at the shelter, Peter, reevaluating his life, decides the best way he can help is to form a choir at the shelter, the choir's performances which would help give a little extra pocket money to its members so that they can have a merrier Christmas. The choir faces many obstacles, including the dichotomy between Peter and its members, unrealized expectations and Sister Agatha's skepticism. But the biggest obstacles may be the baggage each person brings to the group, the person with the largest baggage being perhaps Peter himself, who has long been estranged from his alcoholic father. Through it all, Marilyn, a new friend of Peter's, is by his side hoping that she can provide a little assistance and guidance to Peter realizing his dreams.

Okay then, a few things (that's a long summary, for one!) - firstly, why nineteen days before Christmas? What is the significance of this movie opening on December 6? Also, why does Peter feel the best way to help these people is to make a choir out of them? Why not just give them money so they can get proper shelter, or at least buy booze so that Christmas will pass in a blur of alcohol for them, like other homeless people? And what is it with the word "workaholic"? It's alcoholic, as in, alcohol the word then ic on the end. So it should be workalic. God damn it. And who is this Marilyn, this new friend of Peter's who wants to help him realise his dreams? The guy's an accountant, for god's sake! Surely he can fiddle the books and make extra cash if he wants to help his friends? Yeah, much better movie: Peter ends up in jail and all the homeless people he thought were his friends testify against him for fifty dollars and a hot meal.

Whaddya mean, where's my Christmas spirit?

[Trollheart]

Christmas Wedding Date (2012)

I don't know: maybe it's just that as more and more Christmas movies get made they get worse as they run out of ideas or just rehash old ones, but can you point to a decent Christmas movie made in the last ten years? I sure as hell can't. This is one of those stupid hybrids of Christmas movie and rom-com, no doubt coming with the chilling message "A heartwarming film for all the family". Oh, pass me the sick bag while IMDB fills you in...

Ten years after leaving her small town for big-city success, a woman returns for a friend's Christmas Eve wedding. All the old high-school rivalries and relationships return, and she is grateful she is staying only for one night. However, she finds herself caught in a "Groundhog Day" style time vortex, in which only she is aware that the events are incessantly repeating. At first bored and frustrated, she soon approaches each repeat day with enthusiasm, aware of the possibilities for growth through new experiences and aware as well of her remaining attachment for her high-school boyfriend. She uses the time to grow again close to her estranged mother, whom she has almost ignored for the years she has been chasing her big-city career. She also learns to relax and try to accept the possibilities in her life and the possible romance it offers her.

Yeah. I'm glad they said it, because this is basically "Groundhog Day" sans Bill Murray and with a wedding thrown in. Quite what it has to do with Christmas, other than being set on Christmas Eve, is anybody's guess. Quite why anyone would want to watch it is another. Also, quite why anyone in their right mind would attempt such an incredibly stupid idea as getting married on Christmas Eve totally eludes me. Wouldn't all the churches be booked for mass or something? Stars nobody I know but does have George Wendt (NORM!) in it, as well as a guy called Jon Mack. Hey. I'm a big fan of your rigs, guy!

[Trollheart]

A Perfect Christmas (2012)

See what I mean about Christmas movies made this century? Not even on IMDB, nor can I find a picture for it that isn't starring Barbie (!), but it's apparently a film in which "An advertising executive (great start: it's usually an accountant, lawyer or ad man in these movies) meets a mannequin that has come to life (of course it has) and finds it has become her perfect man". Oh well, little twist then: the ad man is an ad woman. And isn't this just that movie I saw in the eighties called, oh what was it? Tip of my tongue... Oh yeah. Mannequin. Okay that was a female mannequin but other than that slight change in the plot this sounds like a ripoff of the movie that gave Starship a big hit and made a star of Kim Cattral. And again I ask, what has this to do with Christmas? Your guess is as good as mine.

[Trollheart]

However, in fairness, the 21st century is not entirely to blame. They did it terribly in the 20th too, as the following will adequately prove.


Jack Frost (1998)

No, not David Jason's well-loved detective in a Christmas special. This is the charming tale of a deadbeat father who decides that after he's dead is a good time to make amends to his son, and what better way to do that than to come back as a scary, supernatural and living snowman? Talk about the perfect Christmas present! Not. Take it away, IMDB! Yes, I know I said that already but it's getting harder to write these links, so sue me!

A father, who can't keep his promises, dies in a car accident. One year later, he returns as a snowman, who has the final chance to put things right with his son before he is gone forever.

Fairly makes you fill up, doesn't it?    Mind you, what exactly this waster of a dad thought was going to happen when the snow melted away is anyone's guess. Slip down the local for a bevy or ten, methinks! Oh yeah, it stars some big names too. Michael Keaton, once of Batman and Beetlejuice fame. Mark Addy, who is currently* annoying us as the hapless Hercules in Atlantis, and Kelly Preston. Also some names from the music world: Henry Rollins, the two Zappa kids and Trevor Rabin of Yes. Hell, even the late Stevie Ray Vaughan gets a credit, though they apparently use "archive footage". First I've ever heard of that, and I don't like it. Rather in the same way that I don't like this movie.

* At the time of writing, duh.

[Trollheart]

All I Want For Christmas (1991)

Sassy kids and Christmas just go together, don't they? God save us! Is this the seasonal version of The Parent Trap mixed in with liberal doses of Home Alone (doesn't matter whether it's the original or any of the three sequels, they're each as bad as the other) or what? Tell me more, IMDB!

"All I Want For Christmas" is a comedy about two New York City children who launch a hilarious scheme to get what they most want this holiday season. Ethan, a practical older brother, and adorable Hallie, who knows how to charm her way out of a difficult situation, are intent on spending Christmas with their parents, Catherine and Micheal, and grandmother Lillian. As Ethan and Hallie embark on their adventure, almost nothing goes exactly as they planned. Complicating things is a smarmy businessman named Toney Boer, who has taken an interest in Catherine. Ethan, meanwhile, is preoccupied with not only his parents' romantic dilemma, but also his own - one brought about by his new friendship with Stephanie, his first teenage crush. What evolves is an elaborate scheme involving mice, telephone calls and an ice-cream truck, as Ethan and Hallie try to achieve their goal with the help of Stephanie. The duo's primary obstacle is their mother's fiance, Tony. The children finally succeed with a little Christmas magic from Santa Claus.

And there you have it. You have been warned. There is another movie of the same name released in 2007, though I can't say if it's a remake, and would you believe a third one due this year? This one is so new that IMDB don't even have a basic summary of it up yet, so for all I know it could be a rewrite of this.

Who's in the original, I hear you ask? No, I definitely heard you ask. You did. Well, someone did and it wasn't me, unless you think I can throw my voice. What? What picture of me and a ventriloquist's dummy? Where on the internet, exactly? Well anyway, the question has been asked - not important by who - and must be answered. So: Scott Wolf is in it. You remember him from that Tenth Kingdom thing, don'tcha? Oh, and of course the obligatory Leslie Nielsen, a man who's made a career in comedy out of not being funny. The original Straight Man. Also Lauren Bacall, amazingly. Thought she was dead? Bet she wishes she was after appearing in this! And that's about it, luckily.

[Trollheart]

Another day, another cartoon. Well, you know, not another day, but as I have to squeeze this all in to six, we have to work with what we got. And so we return to



Episode title: Miracle on Evergreen Terrace
Series: The Simpsons
Season: Nine
Written by: Ron Hauge
First transmitted: December 21 1997

Marge is determined that the family will celebrate Christmas properly this year, and so she lays down an edict that nobody is to open any Christmas presents until 7:00 AM on Christmas morning. To ensure this instruction is adhered to, she takes possession of all alarm clocks, but Bart has an idea. He drinks twelve glasses of water, so that his insistent bladder will wake him up nice and early. It works, but while he's playing with a fire truck he accidentally sets the Christmas tree on fire, and it melts, taking all the presents with it. Desperate to hide the evidence before anyone gets up, Bart drags the melted mass out into the garden and covers it with snow, then pretends their house has been robbed. When they're all despondent Bart tries to divert attention from the loss of presents by suggesting they remember the true meaning of Christmas, that it's not all about gifts. Lisa and Marge agree - though Homer is still miserable - and they decide to walk over to the nursing home and cheer up the old folks.

This does not go to plan, however: the drug man has been and the old folks, including Grampa, are all high as kites and therefore very cheerful. While Homer ends up at Moe's, drowning his sorrows, he sees a report by Kent Brockman on the TV, which features his family, and when he gets home he finds that all of Springfield have come together to help his family. Mr. Burns is looking for change for a button, but it's the thought that counts. Wait a minute: no it isn't. Anyway, Bart is particularly distressed when two orphans give him the dollar they had been saving, and eventually he can't stand the pressure of the guilt any more and comes clean to the family. Just as he does, Brockman arrives to do a follow-up story. While the family tries to keep their secret, Santa's Little Helper digs up the buried tree and presents, and the whole deal collapses. Now everyone knows. The Simpsons are pariahs.

Marge has the rather ill-advised idea to win the money to pay everyone back by taking part in Jeopardy but of course loses. On the way back home, they see the crowd again at their house, but nobody seems angry at them any more. Thinking this a Christmas miracle, Marge is soon disabused of this notion when it becomes clear that their friends are taking the Simpsons' property in payment of the debt, like bailiffs. It will be a rather frugal Christmas for America's favourite family - not even a TV or a couch to watch it on!

Notes

In essence this isn't a terrible episode, but given we're into the ninth season now it's kind of weak really. It ends poorly, and if you ascribe real-world logic to it (as you can often do, unlike the other two shows) what legal right have the neighbours to take property in payment of what were, after all, unsolicited donations, even if they were obtained under false pretences? I don't think any court in the land would support that! And while we're at it, how is Moe's open on Christmas Day, and how come Kent Brockman is working? When Bart crashes his truck into the power socket and it goes on fire, he just remote control drives it into the tree, which starts the fire. It actually stops and he starts it up again. Why doesn't he just go and pick it up? The truck would be destroyed, yes, but the fire would be unlikely to spread.

I don't know him personally, but I guess for Americans it's nice to see Jeopardy host Alex Trebek guest, as he died only recently and was apparently one of the USA's most loved gameshow hosts. Guess it was like when Bruce Forsyth passed on here some time ago; national day of mourning almost. But back to the niggles. When the fire starts, and consumes the tree, how come it doesn't spread to the rest of the house? Yes, it was the fire engine raising its ladder while on fire (why did Bart do that? Surely that wasn't automatic?) that set the tree ablaze, but why did nothing else catch fire? And how could he pick up a surely superheated charred mess in his bare hands and get it outside without getting third degree burns? At least when Brian burned down the house in Family Guy the fur on his paws was all burned off. When they bought their new car and it crashed and sank as the ice broke, why did it explode? How did it explode, underwater? Is that possible?

It's as I say I pretty poor ending, not particularly funny, but it does at least bring home the moral that if you make a mistake you should own up to it, rather than try  blame it on someone else, including a shadowy figure who never existed. It's interesting to see all three other family members go for Bart when he admits his guilt - normally it's just Homer. I think Maggie may join in too; can't remember and I'm really not bothered enough to go back and check.

One thing The Simpsons does, that the other two shows seem not to, is add Christmas music to their titles, at least their closing ones, and here the couch gag at the beginning is turned into a snowglobe, so there's a festive theme there. Overall though, a lot poorer than I remember.

[Trollheart]

After all those really poor movies - we're not done yet, not by a long chalk! - let's take time out to appreciate one that actually doesn't suck. In fact, it so far from sucks that it's featured here as one of




The Nightmare Before Christmas (1992)

One of the greatest animated movies ever. Toy Story? Nah, this is miles better mate. A splicing of comedy and semi-horror as we visit Halloweentown, where Jack Skellington, the Pumpkin King, inadvertently discovers Christmas Town, and is so taken with it that he decides to have Santa captured so that he can take his place and experience the joy of the festive season. But of course he gets it all wrong and it really does become a nightmare, as the folk of Halloween Town have no idea what makes a good gift - "No, no! That's been dead too long! That will never make a present!" - and don't even know what Christmas is, beyond the picture Jack paints for them.

Conceived in the fertile imagination of Tim Burton, it's one of the few of his films I've seen that doesn't star Johnny Depp, with supremo composer Danny Elfman taking the main role instead - God damn it! In addition to being a musical genius the guy can sing! Is there no end to his talents? - and bringing the Pumpkin King alive as both a sympathetic and a tragic figure. Great soundtrack of course, as you'd expect, and peopled with some amazing characters, this is just the movie to put on, pretending it's for the kids when you actually want to watch it yourself. Be warned though: you'll find yourself singing the oh-so-catchy songs well after the end credits have rolled!

[Trollheart]

"A Christmassy Ted"

There are probably few people who have not seen at least one episode of the successful series based on an isolated island off the Irish coast and featuring the late Dermot Morgan, the series running for three seasons before the lead actor's untimely death. This is the Christmas episode, often simply referred to as "The Father Ted Christmas special", and though it pushes the endurance just a tad at over twice the normal length of an episode, clocking in just short of the hour, it packs an awful lot into the story.

There's a major crisis averted when Ted, Dougal and six other priests all find themselves in the rather unlikely position of having wandered into a department store's lingerie department - "Ireland largest lan-jer-ay selection, I understand", as one of the other priests informs Ted. Rather uncharacteristically taking charge, and fearing yet another scandal in the Catholic church, Ted leads the priests out of the department and nobody is the wiser. Or so he thinks.

His quick thinking and assertive actions have not gone unnoticed by the higher-ups, and he is to be awarded a Golden Cleric, one of the top awards the priesthood can bestow on one of their own. Reverting rather more to form though, as he prepares to accept his award on television, Ted is more interested in drawing up a damning list of all those who have wronged him over the years and gets so caught up in his petty act of revenge that he rather spoils the moment.

There's more of course, and it does give the impression over time of being overstretched and padded out, with a fairly weak ending, but it's still definitely worth watching. Notable scenes: wounded in the line of duty. "Ah Ted! It's me own fault! I was fiddlin' with one of these bras and it went off and hit me in the eye!" The priest with the most boring voice and Ted running down his list - "And now, we come to liars." Classic.

[Trollheart]

Come in, come in! Take a seat at the table. You're just in time! I've cooked up a fresh batch of


Elves (1989)
OK well I don't know whether, if I was ranking them, which I'm not, this should be at the top or bottom, but either way it's gotta be up there with some of the worst films, not even Christmas films, ever. Just listen to the blurb from IMDB. (I'm fighting the injunction).

A young woman discovers that she is the focus of an evil nazi experiment involving selective breeding and summoned elves, an attempt to create a race of supermen. She and two of her friends are trapped in a department store with an elf, and only Dan Haggerty, as the renegade loose-cannon Santa Claus, can save them.

Oh yeah, this has it all. Santa, elves and Nazis. Written and directed by the same guy, what a surprise, and although featuring a whole cast who could easily come under the category of "nobody you know", it does have some interesting names in it, such as the boy whose surname is Grimm, someone called Winter Monk (really!) and a girl called Heidi who has the dubious distinction of being cast as the "bitchy coed". Oh man, you couldn't make this stuff up!

With themes such as rape, racial superiority and, er, horror, this is just the movie to put you in that warm, glowing Christmas holiday mood.