Trollheart's Christmas Movies & TV Megathread (Incorporating The Scroogedown)

[Trollheart]

The Nutcracker in 3D (2010)

A question I've never asked myself is this: is it possible for a movie to score nothing on Rotten Tomatoes? Surely not: I mean, even terrible movies such as the last two got about an average rating of 20-25%, so it would have to be the very worst movie, not even Christmas movie, but movie of all time to score zero percent, right?

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, the British-Hungarian collaboration The Nutcracker in 3D, also known as The Nutcracker: The Untold Story. From what I read, it's a story that should have remained untold. Mixing in Nazi rats, dodgy fairies and a universal panning that LOST the production over SEVENTY MILLION DOLLARS! That's right: it cost 90 million to make and they only took in 20. Hoo boy! Some nuts were surely cracked over that idea! Oh, and no ballet. You heard me right.

What's odd about what Wiki says, when you dig into it, is that yes, it has a 0% scores from critics, but despite a single audience review it has somehow got a 67% score from audiences! No idea how that works. Also, the Wiki page gives this consensus from the site, but when I look at it it says "no consensus yet". Still, it's amusing to read; maybe it was taken down later. Here it is anyway:

"Misguided, misconceived, and misbegotten on every level, The Nutcracker in 3D is a stunning exercise in astonishing cinematic wrong-headedness."

Rotten Tomatoes ratings

Tomatometer: n/a
Audience Score: 67% (huh?)

IMDB rating

4.2/10

Metacritic rating

18%


Metacritic raise a grin too when they rated it at 18 out of a 100, and even respected film critic Roger Ebert blasted it:  "From what dark night of the soul emerged the wretched idea for The Nutcracker in 3D? One of those rare holiday movies that may send children screaming under their seats."

The movie was nominated for, but did not win, the Golden Raspberry for "Most Eye Gouging Misuse of 3D" but did win Metacritic's own award for "Worst Limited Release Movie of 2010", so at least it won something. I'm sure the backers forgave and forgot. Mostly forgot.

Hey, Tim Rice was involved in this? I bet he kept that one quiet!
The director (whom I will not embarrass by naming) apparently made a conscious decision not to use any scenes from the ballet as, according to him, "ballet cannot work in cinema very well." Must have been really pissed off then to see Black Swan, released less than two weeks later, doing just that.

[Trollheart]

Twice upon a Christmas (2001)

Now this is more like it! Santa's evil daughter plots to destroy Christmas and sell the North Pole! Yay! You go girl!

Santa's first born daughter, Rudolfa, is secretly selling pieces of the North Pole, and eventually take over where she attempts to ruin Christmas, and replace Santa's workshop with a brand new casino. But Santa's lost daughter Kristin returns to the North Pole with her two children who are desperate to save Christmas, and rebuild the shattered village.

Now wait just one snowflake-covered, yuletide log-burning minute! Santa's daughter? Santa doesn't have sex! The very idea! Surely he and Mrs Claus are far too busy all year round overseeing their army of toy-making elves to have time for any of that! And the contention that he could have an EVIL child? Well, it just beggars belief, doesn't it? Ah... unless ... could it be that Santa's playing away from home? Being Naughty rather than Nice? Might he find himself left off his own Christmas list this year? Does anyone care?

Nobody of note stars, though I laugh heartily to see an actor whose parents actually decided to call him James, even though his surname is .. Kirk! Ah, hilarity! Star Trek fans or just a really bad piece of decision-making, we'll never know. The poor guy must really have had a great time in school. Also happy to see it's directed by a guy called Tibor. Hey Tibor, where is the key to the men's room anyway? Always blame it on the guy who doesn't speak English...

[Trollheart]

The night they saved Christmas (1984)

But not their careers, right? Oh it had to happen, didn't it? Santa takes on Big Oil: who will win? Well in reality the old guy would either end up drowned in paperwork and lawsuits or else literally drowned, found floating facedown somewhere off the North Pole. But this is Christmas, after all, and so of course Santa and his helpers will win. IMDB, it's over to you...

An oil company is exploring two Arctic sites for oil. The needed blasting at the first site rocks Santa Claus' North Pole village. He realizes that any blasting at the second site will destroy his home. He enlists the aid of a woman and her children to convince her husband (who works for the company) that the first site is where the oil they want is. Along the way, Santa explains all his secrets in delivering presents all around the world.

I'm sure this went down great with the children of executives from Exxon and Mobil! No doubt along the way the heartless oilmen learn the true meaning of Christmas (seriously: does NOBODY know the true meaning of Christmas any more? Everyone's having to learn it in these movies. You'd think they'd understand by now!) and probably licence the oil site to Claus Industries LLC for a seven-figure sum. Ho ho ho. I don't think.

Amazing thing is that one of my alltime TV crushes, Charlie's Angel Jaclyn Smith, agreed to star in this! Must have needed the money. AND the story and screenplay were written by David Niven Jr. Surely not THE David Niven's son? You know what? I'm too depressed to look into this further. Let's just leave it at that, huh?

[Trollheart]

The Christmas Gift (1986)

Don't get me wrong: I enjoyed Oh God and even its sequel, so I know he can act (sort of) but any Christmas movie starring Country crooner John Denver has got to throw up the warning signs from the start. Remember those Humbleton figurines in The Simpsons, and how Flanders eventually found the town they came from, and everyone was just like them? Welcome to the Christmas version, or, given that this was written about two decades before that episode, to the genesis of Humbleton!

A widowed New York City architect and his young daughter take a Christmas vacation and end up in a small mystical town in Colorado where everyone believes in Santa Claus.

Of course they do. And that's why they live in a small, mystical, magical town which no doubt only appears on Christmas Eve and after the Christmas period returns to the sickly-sweet saccharine dimension from whence it sprang. You know what to expect, and I'm sure ol' John gets in more than one of his favour-ite choons too before the thing mercifully draws to a close, no doubt with some big moral and message for the holidays about how Christmas is with us in our hearts every day, or some such nonsense. Stick to the singing, cowboy!

Other than Denver there's Jane Kaczmarek, from Malcolm in the Middle, someone called James T Callahan - presumably the "t" is in case we mistook him for the former Labour Prime Minister! - and someone entertainingly named Twirp. Says it all really.

Note: I've stopped bothering looking for videos of these movies. Most of the time they're not available, and anyway, they're so bad you won't want to watch them. Believe me, from what I read, you ain't missin' nothin'.

[Trollheart]

Ms Scrooge (1997)

Of course. Dickens' classic has been overdone so many times, sometimes well, sometimes badly, sometimes just plain awfully, and in every possible permutation, from muppets to CGI, from Bill Murray to Bill Nighy and from olden times to the far future, so why not do a female version of Scrooge? And while we're about it, why not make it an "urban update" and make the woman black? Check all the boxes at once. Well I could tell you why not, but you'd understand better if you have the fortitude/stupidity to watch this movie, eh IMDB?

IMDB? Hello? Anybody there?

Hmm. Seems they don't have a synopsis, despite having the movie on their list. Odd. Oh well, not to worry: luckily there's one I can transcribe from the True Christmas digital movie channel.

A wealthy, miserly woman learns the true meaning of Christmas in this urban update of A Christmas carol. A story everyone can believe in.

Er, yeah. Nobody in it that I know, but I suppose you can assume most of the cast is black. Probably. But no famous black people. No, not even Whoopi or Queen Latifah. Hey, it MUST be a bad movie if the Queen turned it down!

[Trollheart]

Oops! Wrong movie!

Ah, there we go!

Santa Claws (2014)

Oddly enough, this ain't on Wiki. What is on Wiki is a 1996 horror/slasher film, which, given the content and target audience of this one, I hope nobody ever mixed up and got the wrong movie for. "Ready to settle in to see bimbos shishkebabed by a manic Santa dripping in blood boys? Hey! Where the fuck did all these kittens come from??" And on the other side, "Mommy! Has that lady been naughty? Mommy! Where are all the cute little cats? Mommy I don't like this film! I thought Santa was good!"

See what I mean? Poles apart.

Anyhoo, this is apparently another feel-good-sit-down-with-the-kids movie about Santa getting sick and his place having to be taken by,  you guessed it, a bunch of kittens. Aah! I'm sure it's cute, if you're a six-year old. I haven't been six for three thousand yea- ah, for some considerable time. Oh look! Seems Glen Miller came back from the dead to direct this! Oh. Wait.

Rotten Tomatoes ratings

Tomatometer: n/a
Audience Score: 20%

IMDB rating

3.1/10

One critic persisted to the end, and had this to say: Animal-centric holiday flick has jumbled plot, bad acting. That was Grace Montgomery at Common Sense Media, (her dogged perserverance belying the truth of her workplace) while one audience member whined

The only film of 2014 I found myself incapable of finishing. And I watched Transformers 4!

Come on! What did you expect?

You know, they had to go for the obvious with the strapline, didn't they? "It's a holiday cat-astrophe!" Oh dear. Couldn't they at least have said "Kitten out the sleigh for Christmas" or "Many paws make flight work" or yes I know, I'll stop now.

"Hello Amazon? No, it's not the slasher movie, it's about kittens delivering - what do you mean, my credit card was declined??"

[Trollheart]

Last Ounce of Courage (2012)

Subtitled "A film about family, faith and freedom", it looks like it could just as easily replaced those three alliterative words with "conservatism, corn and crap". Yeah, shut up: it's not that easy. Billed as a "Christian Christmas Movie", you know what you're in for, and if you somehow didn't, then the Stars and Stripes waving in your face while one man takes a stand and shakes his fist at assorted nebulous enemies of his religion will convince you. Yes, it's that old chestnut: "they comin' over here and takin' our Christmas!" Or, to put it in more South Park terms: "They took our Christmas! And our jobs!" Yeah.

The plot appears to be wafer-thin, but you can guess it anyway. One man stands up for truth, justice and the American right to celebrate Christmas against the massed hordes of ACLU-inspired liberals who want to take it away. He's also a soldier, riding around on a motorcycle (probably a Harley, but I can neither confirm nor care) with a big American flag sticking out of its arse. You know, for once I'm going to let an actual reviewer, someone who saw the movie, explain it, as they do it so well.

This movie is a Fox News viewer's wet dream: factually inaccurate, racially insensitive, and wallowing in manufactured Christian persecution and martyrdom. We're so oppressed! We are only allowed to have our Christmas decorations prominently displayed in our homes and places of worship. They are stripping us of our right to force everyone in the country to acknowledge our religion too!

Rotten Tomatoes ratings

Tomatometer: 0% (Hey! Another zero percent movie!)
Audience Score: 69% (all Republicans, no doubt)

IMDB rating

3.7/10

Metacritic rating

11


The guys at God Awful Movies podcast put it best: Will America Freedom Jesus? Will Jesus Freedom America? Will Freedom Freedom Freedom? Find out the Jesus to America Questions and Freedom, when we Jesus back for act Freedom of America America Jesus!

A far cry from IMDB's own synopsis of the movie, which warbles on, calling it a "heartwarming movie", "a beautiful story of love and forgiveness" and a movie that "inspire hope, take back the freedoms that are being lost and take a stand for the truth." Um, yeah. Biased much?

Other critics were more, ah, forthcoming about the movie, and there were a lot of them.

Frank Scheck of The Hollywood Reporter thought This religious-themed drama about a small-town mayor's personal crusade against "the war on Christmas" is about as subtle as the character's name -- Bob Revere

Michael O'Sullivan in The Washington Post remarked that The sheer volume of what I like to call "eyebrow acting" -- in which thespian intensity is directly proportional to the angle and depth of one's forehead furrows -- is staggering.

While Robert Abeale in the Los Angeles Times pointed out that The patriot-packaged "Last Ounce of Courage" has been made with the conviction of true zealots, but also the competence of amateurs.

Living up to her name, the World's Megan Basham said Though some of the language here mirrors what we often hear from the ACLU and public-school officials, Last Ounce of Courage simplifies and dumbs down their arguments to such a degree that they become ugly stereotypes rather than real people.

KC Active's Dan Lybarger said It's a call for the faithful to rise up if they, or any heathens who stumble in the audience, can wake from their naps or their fits of helpless unintentional laughter
 
Peter Sobcznski of EFilmCritic was more direct: America--$%#@ This!!!

The Salt Lake Tribune's Sean Means noted Politics aside, the hamfisted melodrama, amateurish acting, a tasteless finale and a cameo by either God or a ZZ Top cover-band refugee make "Last Ounce of Courage" laughably awful.

And Todd Jorgenson of Cinemalogue called it like this:  It's a bait-and-switch that masquerades as inspirational drama while pushing a political agenda   
 
Hey, at least the movie got Chuck Norris's vote: "It was an easy choice to endorse this film because its message is consistent with my life principles and core values.

Interestingly, though the movie made a paltry 3 million with a budget of just over one, which is not too bad a return, a court case brought against the marketing department of the movie's producers alleging that they engaged in a robocall campaign promoting the movie, and falsely posing as a survey, cost them 32 million in damages when they lost. So while our ill-advised friend The Nutcracker in 3D lost more money in total, in terms of percentages, let's see. 20 million against 90 is what, a loss of more than four times the outlay, whereas a budget of one million with a return of three is a three-fold profit, but then taking that 3 million and having to give back 32, you're looking at over ten times the loss. So this movie in the end far outstripped the hugely loss-making Nutcracker 3D in terms of profit to loss ratio.

Hey! Maybe there is a God!

[Trollheart]

Must be Santa (1999)

IMDB point-blank refuses to even keep a summary on this turkey, but my 24-hour Christmas movie channel comes to the rescue:

An escaped prisoner is inadvertently selected to become the successor to Santa Claus, and does his best to live up to the role.

Might be a good start not to rob the kids' presents, new Santa! Oh how many more times are they going to trot out this tired old premise? You know what, IMDB? I don't blame you.

Nobody of consequence stars, so it's left to me to make a few off-colour jokes about the names of people I do not know, such as Randy Butcher (better not go into his shop wearing a short skirt!) and Arnold Pinnock, who surely should change his name to Pillock for starring in this train wreck? Oh, and it's written by Douglas Bowie, who I think we can all safely assume is no relation. That's it: that's all I got.

[Trollheart]

Christmas in Connecticut  (1992)

Remake of a 1945 movie starring Barbara Stanwyck and Sydney Greenstreet, I'm sure they did a lot better with this basically stupid idea of a woman lying about her professional and personal life having to face up to her lies, with no doubt hilarious results. Maybe. Sounds like a rejected script for an episode of Fawlty Towers. No, on second thoughts, it doesn't sound anywhere near that funny. What do you think, Internet Movie Data Base?

Elizabeth is the star of a successful cooking show and author of several cookbooks. But when her manager, Alexander sees forest ranger Jefferson, who lost his cabin in a fire, comment on TV about wishing he could get a home-cooked Christmas dinner, he arranges for a special live show on Christmas, for Elizabeth to cook him Christmas Dinner. Only Elizabeth can't cook, and trying to keep Jefferson and the viewing public from finding out on a live show may be a little difficult.

Surprisingly - or perhaps not, given it's a remake that starred some pretty heavy hitters of the time, this features both Tony Curtis and Country superstar Kris "Convoy" Kristofferson, and even has an uncredited role for the Governator himself! Sweet. Probably the best thing about the movie.

[Guybrush]

I think my eyes would pop inside my skull if I try to read all of this in one go, but I'll definitely read your review of Scrooged if you ever watch it. It's one of my favorite Christmas movies.

Groundhog day could have been the best. It of course lacks true Christmas, but it does have lots of snow and a sort of Christmas spirit at times.

[Trollheart]

Ah yes I know. I don't expect anyone to read it all in one go, but it will be here when anyone wants to read it. Only started it anyway. Lots more to come! Yes I've watched Scrooged, once or twice, and it will be in The Scroogedown. A good movie, and an interesting take on the tale, though if you read through it when it's done, you'll see there are others that take some intriguing liberties with the story.

And now, I got bad movies to write about! Sorry, more bad movies. 

[Trollheart]

But first, on with



Episode title: "The Most Adequate Christmas Ever"
Series: American Dad
Season: Four
Written by: Jim Bernstein
First transmitted: December 16 2007

Back to American Dad we go, after a pretty poor attempt by MacFarlane's other franchise to present their take on the holiday season. One thing you can say about this show, whether you like it or not (I did, for a time) is that they know how to do Christmas specials, and they usually pull out all the stops.  Given that this is almost the same length of time into the series that the previous one was (six years later, yes) it's a vast improvement on Family Guy.

Stan comes home on Christmas Eve and promptly denigrates and insults the family's efforts at decorating. He leads them into the woods to cut down a new Christmas tree, unhappy with the one they have, but is so picky that none of the ones they suggest will do. Eventually they become so fed up with him that they leave him to it. He finds the perfect Christmas tree, all right, but when he cuts it down it falls on him and kills him.

He wakes up in Limbo, where he demands a second chance, and so must go to court to prove he deserves one. Here, he is given a lawyer, unfortunately the worst in the business; Michelle is known for having lost her first ten cases by agreeing with the prosecution! She has not yet earned her wings, and Stan's case seems hopeless as evidence is submitted by the opposing attorney demonstrating his callousness, selfishness and sense of always being right and never listening to anyone. Michelle tries to use one example of Stan's supposed selflessness, but it turns out to have been a dream. He is now boned, and Michelle tells him he can at least console himself with the thought that his family will soon be joining him, as he left them to die in the snow, taking the keys of the car when he left in search of the perfect Christmas tree.

Unable to secure a second chance, Stan falls back on old habits and pulls a gun on the judge. When His Honour laughs and says mortal guns don't work here, he takes one from a guard. Now he has a Heaven gun ("seriously," says someone in the crowd, "why do we have these things?") and forces his way out of the court, taking Michelle hostage, demanding to be taken to Heaven to see God personally. Gatecrashing Jesus's party, they split up and Stan goes looking for God. Stan finds God (sorry, couldn't resist!) but he is not in the mood, and when Stan threatens him with the gun he tells him to get a grip. When Stan puts down the gun and walks away, God tells him that was all he wanted, for Stan to admit to himself that he couldn't control everything all the time and didn't always know everything. He returns Stan to his family, also granting Michelle her wings. Home again, Stan praises the efforts of his family on their Christmas decorations, while Roger points out there is a hooker with wings outside the window watching them.


Notes

How is it that neither Hayley, whom we know has kept some dubious company in her time, nor Roger can just hot-wire the car? I mean, if they're all freezing to death... though Roger doesn't seem to be bothered by the cold, and he's about as selfish as Stan is. Still, does he want to be left out here alone? And doesn't he have a thing for Steve? At worst, he should want to save him. I will admit that when Seth or his people try, they can do two things really well - mythology and science fiction. Roger's planet, when we see it later, is very well thought out, and here we have chariots which, when the whip is cracked, bring into being an invisible Pegasus to pull them. We also have a huge Griffin (ha ha very clever) to take people to Heaven, and archangels who fly with burning swords. It's very impressive. I also like when Stan gets to God's office, he approaches the Almighty's desk and trips over something. Darkness falls. God drawls "Stan, you unplugged the sun."

Considering how they seem to hate being compared to The Simpsons - and with, at this point, almost twenty years on them by their rival - it's perhaps odd that Stan emulates Homer in their first Christmas episode, detailed in the first post, when he goes looking for a Christmas tree. Like the tight-fisted patriarch of the Simpsons family, Stan goes into the woods and tries to chop down a tree. However his story differs in that he does this in the full knowledge - and presence - of his family, whereas Homer went off alone to accomplish this deed in secret, probably embarrassed that he couldn't afford a real one. Stan could surely afford one, but for whatever reason decides to cut down his own - probably against state laws, but who knows - and in so doing secures his own demise. Perhaps there's a lesson to be learned there? Or, as David Bowie said as Pilate in the movie The Last Temptation of Christ, no, probably not.

It's a good tale, a metaphor for a man who has to control every aspect of not only his, but his family's life, and who always thinks he knows best. There are elements of It's a Wonderful Life in it of course, and it's hardly an original idea, but to be fair it's very well executed, and the outcome is handled decently. It's also a cute touch to note that the character of God does indeed look like a grown-up form of his son. Perhaps letting the episode down though, it concentrates almost entirely on Stan, there being no role for anyone else once he dies, meaning we see the family for about the first two or three minutes, and then again at the end, and that's it. So if you don't like Stan, or you're a fan of Roger, you're out of luck in this episode. They do make the most of their reduced screentime though, Francine as usual laying down the law, Steve getting his pee frozen, while Hayley, well, she just basically stands around. Roger has a few okay lines but mostly is very much underused. Again, we end on the standard American Dad theme, no festive version, and, unlike the previous Family Guy episode, no Christmas wishes from the characters.

[Trollheart]

And let's stick with the box for now, shall we, as we check out another of those





"A Very Supernatural Christmas"

Billed as one of the "most violent Christmas specials in the history of television", the episode opens with a typically Christmassy scene, as a jolly grandfather visits his grandson and later, as Santa Claus, is suddenly pulled up the chimney by unseen hands, to the accompaniment of roars and screams, and all that comes back down is a bloodstained boot. This all happens within the originally fascinated and then horrified sight of his grandson. A year later another similar incident occurs, and Sam and Dean investigate, posing as agents from the FBI. After they find a sprig of mistletoe and a bloodied tooth up the chimney, Sam poses the possibility that they could be dealing with a rogue Santa, an evil brother to Jolly Old Saint Nick, who lore tells punishes the wicked. It's not much, but it's all they have to go on at the moment.

Turns out there have been two victims, and they both visited the same place before they died: Santa's Village. But the Santa they stake out seems to be nothing more than a harmless old man, while some distance away an evil figure climbs the stairs in another house and comes down dragging a bundle, a bundle which issues muffled protests as it is hauled down the stairs, again while a child watches. When the brothers investigate this, the second murder, they notice a wreath in the house identical to one they saw in that of the other victim. Bobby tells them that the wreaths smelled of Meadowsweet, which is a herb that was used in human sacrifices to attract the pagan gods. He describes it as "chum for the gods". It seems that anyone who buys one of these wreaths may as well be asking to be killed. The obvious thing to do is to try to find out who's selling them.

The boys work out that the pagan god being summoned is most likely Hold Nickar, the god of the winter solstice, who rewards his supplicants with mild weather. In December in the middle of Michigan, where they are, there is no snow, which is certainly out of the ordinary. But when they locate a shop that was selling them - they're all out now - the shopkeeper tells them that he got them free from some lady who lives locally. As they discuss "doing Christmas" - Sam is against it - Dean points out that it is his last year; after this he will be in Hell, thanks to the pact he made with the demon in season two. But Sam says he can't do it for just that reason: Dean wants a last Christmas, but Sam can't just pretend everything is okay and celebrate the holiday season when he knows his brother will be dead the following year.

We see in flashback young Dean tell Sam about what their father really does, telling him that he is a demon hunter and their mother was taken by demons. Sam is shocked, but probably also angry that he wasn't let in on the secret, even if it is a horrible, scary one. When the boys in the present go to visit the woman purported to make the wreaths, a Madge Kerrigan, and her husband Edward, they are told that she has no more wreaths to sell, as she only made the number that she gave to the shop.

As the boys research the couple, they find that they originally came from Seattle, at the same time as two other mysterious murders took place at Christmas, and they only moved here, to Michigan, in January of this year. When they return to the Kerrigan's house a little exploration reveals a basement filled with blood, human debris, cutting tools and ... one bag that seems to still contain a living being! But as they reach for it the Kerrigans get the drop on them. They come to and find themselves in a sickeningly homely Christmas set. The two Kerrigans reveal themselves not to be the acolytes of pagan gods, but the actual gods themselves, and go on to bleed the two boys, taking their tribute as ancient deities. However a call at the door distracts them and when they return the brothers have got loose.

They break branches off the Kerrigans' Christmas tree to use as stakes, and impale both the monsters. After all they've been through, and remembering how Dean always tried to make Christmas special for him when they were young, Sam decorates the hotel room and they exchange presents. After all, it is going to be their last ever...

QUOTES
Sam: "It's gonna sound crazy..."
Dean: What could you possibly say to me that would sound crazy?"
Sam: "Evil Santa?"
Dean: "You're right: it's crazy."

Dean: "Did you talk to Bobby? What did he say?"
Sam: "That we're morons."

Dean: "She didn't charge you?" (for the wreaths)
Shopkeeper: "No."
Dean: "Bet you didn't sell them for free?"
Shopkeeper: "Hell no! It's Christmas! People pay a buttload for this crap!"
Dean: "That's the spirit."

Kerrigan: "Suddenly this Jesus character comes along, and he's the next big thing!"

[Trollheart]

Right then. You know what they say: too much TV makes your eyes go square. For some reason. Apparently. Nah, what you need is some good old-fashioned movies! And, given the season, and given that I don't do things like what other normal folks do, and, finally, given the fact that we've already set foot inside this mausoleum of mediocre movies, let's head back down the slippery stairs, gripping the cold, mossy wall and trying to ignore the screams of "I didn't even want to be in this thing!" and "They told me it would be a classy movie!" as we pay our second visit and re

Now if you thought Mexican Santa in space was bad....


Title: Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny
Year: 1972
Writer: R. Winer
Director: R. Winer
Genre: Fantasy
Stars: Jay Ripley, Kim Nicholas (the rest are only credited by their first name, and are all kids)

Before I begin, I read in the Wiki and IMDB reviews that this contains a film within a film, that much of it was padded out with a version of Thumbelina or Jack and the Beanstalk, depending on which version of the movie you get. I have no intention of telling the story of either, since a) they neither of them have anything to do with Christmas and b) it's clearly a cynical attempt by the director to get his other failed movie(s) some extra oxygen, and I'll be fucked if I'm helping him. So when it comes to the internal story, I'll just introduce it and then move on past it to where this film picks up again. I say "picks up" in the widest possible meaning of the word, of course.

Sadly, whoever decided to cast children as the main stars and do all the singing didn't check to see if they were able to handle simple things like rhythm, harmony and, well, carrying a tune in a metal container with a handle. The result is a confused, out-of-tune, out of time cacophony as kids sing, or try to, and it's not a good start. The basic premise seems to be that the kids (I assume these are meant to be elves, as they're all dressed in blue - why not green, I don't know - and wearing pointy hats) are watching for Santa but there's no sign of him as yet. If he has any sense he's probably down the local, which is where I should be, and where I may end up after this trainwreck.

The narrator's voice (yes there's a narrator in this one too) is provided by Dorothy Brown Green, and whoever she is, she sounds more like a wicked witch pretending to be nice than anything else. Anyhoo, turns out that Santa is mired in the Florida sand, his sleigh having crashed and the reindeer having fucked off back to the NP. Oh look! Santa can't sing either - he sort of speaks the song and even that is out of tune. Lordy. He falls asleep - I know how he feels - and summons children to him by mind-melding with them or some fucking thing. At least this is the only time we are subjected to the ordeal of him mangling music with his tuneless voice, so there is that.

And for no reason I can discern, and completely flouting the laws of logic, time and reality, and just for good measure  (or crippling lack of budget) dressed in contemporary clothes, Huckleberry Finn and Tom Sawyer come too, on a raft on the river to the strains of "Old Man River". Played on a kazoo. I kid you not. And one of them has a cat. A cat that clearly and very definitely does not want to be there, as it keeps trying to escape. Again, I know how it feels.

Okay, now that all of the kids have gathered on the beach and Santa has explained his predicament, they run off to see what they can do to help. Now one of them is coming back with, um, a gorilla. No, you heard me right.  A gorilla. Well, a guy in a gorilla costume, actually, making gorilla sounds. He tries to pull the sleigh out, but given that fat bastard Santa is still in it and does not get out he is doomed to failure. Two other kids drag a very reluctant donkey on to the beach to try but it fails too. Well, as they haven't even scared up any kind of rein or halter or fucking anything to attach the donkey to the sleigh, it was a non-starter from the beginning, wasn't it? I mean, what did they expect? Hardly future CEOs of major corporations, these kids, are they? Or wait: maybe they are.

And now a black pig, who is not happy, and who would be? Who ever heard of a pig pulling anything? This is followed by a sheep - at least this time the fat cunt gets out of the sleigh and tries to help. Well, it is a girl on her own, and she can hardly be expected to handle the animal all alone. Not that there was ever any chance of such a harebrained scheme working. Well, about as much as any of the others I suppose. Up next, a cow, then a horse (again without any harness of any sort) with similar results.

And then Santa starts telling the story of Thumbelina, at which point I hit the fast-forward button.

Thankfully, when we rejoin the actual movie there's a mere ten minutes to go, as I don't think I could take much more of this crap. So Santa is still stuck up the chimney sorry in the Florida sand, and the kids are all sitting around, having done nothing since the last attempt, when having complained constantly about how hot it is, Santa only now hits on the idea of actually taking off the big fucking coat and hat and jacket. Jesus H! What a gobshite.

Finally, for no reason at all and with no explanation, an old fire engine appears, driven by a big white rabbit (presumably the Ice Cream Bunny who shares the title with Santa). Driving at about a mile an hour it takes about five minutes on screen to arrive, driving, for some reason, though a carnival and attracting some odd glances as it goes, full of children and driven, as mentioned, by a large white rabbit. Why it has to take so long is beyond me. Couldn't they have time lapsed it, or cut the scenes together? Oh right: the kids have to sing again. Do they? They do, unfortunately.

Now, I assumed old mister icy cream face was going to use his fire engine to pull out the sleigh. I mean, why else did he come here, right? But no. Santa climbs on board and off they go on a road trip. And at the end of it all, the fucking sleigh, left behind, vanishes, and we're told that it went back to the North Pole, leaving the very reasonable question of if this was possible then why the hell did Santa not just do this in the first place, instead of trying to physically drag the thing out?

Kind of a metaphor for the whole movie really.

Notes

Hard to make any, but I will of course take issue with the fact that this movie, which runs for just short of two hours, is actually about a half hour long, the rest of it taken up with the unrelated and complete (including credits) movie of Thumbelina, which has fuck-all to do with Christmas and was obviously this guy's attempt to show his stupid poxy movie again to people who, most likely again did not want to see it. I will thank him though, because at least it saved me from having to suffer through a longer piece of garbage than I could have comfortably stood.

Nevertheless, questions raise their heads, other than the obvious two: why would someone waste their time, energy, and presumably very little money filming this? And why did I have to suffer through it?

Was there anything good about this movie?

In a word: no. The most basic logic goes to hell in the storyline. We're not told how Santa crashed in Florida - because of course that would require some thinking, some creative input, and this movie doesn't work that way. He just crashes. I mean, he's clearly expert in handling his sleigh, has been for hundreds of years. What happened? Was it a hurricane? Did he get buzzed by a fighter plane? Did he get drunk at the wheel?

The idea of using animals to haul the sleigh out holds a certain amount of water, as long as you're familiar with the simple mechanics of how harnessed animals work! You can't just put a horse in front of a cart and expect it to pull it. You have to lock it into the mechanism, hook it up, just as you can't back a cab up to a trailer and pull away with a container of goods. You have to secure the container to the cab first, link the two. So putting a variety of animals in or around or near the sleigh doesn't even make the slightest sense if you're not going to harness them to it.

In actual fact, stupid and out of place though it was (who sees one in Florida?) the gorilla - guy in the gorilla suit - at least made  a proper effort. Everything else was just nonsense. To say nothing of the fact that the fat fucker doesn't even get out of the sleigh the first few tries, lamenting "it's no use". Well, yeah, it's no use with you sitting in the poxy thing, you stupid fuck. What are you? 300 pounds? Think it might have been helpful had you moved your fat talentless arse out of the sleigh and tried to help the children pull the thing out of the sand? Might have been a plan? No?

And who or what the blue jumping fuck is the ice cream bunny? Santa welcomes him as his old friend, but there's no explanation as to where he came from or what he is. He's the worst possible deus ex machina; a way to resolve the plot without justifying his presence in any way. Might as well have had God's  hand reach down and pull the sleigh out of the sand. And crushed the writer, while He was at it.

Why did it take Santa so fucking long to realise that if you're wearing a big red suit in the Florida heat, you're gonna sweat buckets, and the best thing to do is take it off? But no: he sits there complaining (sometimes in song, lord help us) about how hot it is. Is he an idiot?

No, there is nothing about this movie I can recommend, other than not to watch it, even under pain of death. Dying would be preferable. The singing is awful (especially from Santa, but the kids come a close second), the story is ludicrous, the inserting of an entire other unconnected movie just shows how wafer-thin the plot is and how the writer had to pad it out, the effects are non-existent and the direction is at best chaotic, with kids running everywhere, appearing, disappearing, but Santa basically staying in the one shot for the entire fucking film, until he finally fucks off at the end of it. The acting is awful - and since Santa is the main character, most of that has to be on Jay Clark, who can neither sing nor act - and the ending is so bizarre you would think it had been written by a three-year old. I take it back: a three-year old would have written a more coherent plot.

Avoid, at all costs.

Oh, and what the fuck was the point of Huckleberry Finn and Tom Sawyer? Answers on a used fifty euro note please...

[Trollheart]

Let's try to restore some sanity, shall we?




Year: 1970
Medium: Colour
Starring: Albert Finney, Alec Guinness, Edith Evans, Kenneth More
Directed by: Joseph Bowler
Length: 113 mins

Brief comments: I know this one very well. My sister loves* it, and she had a VHS cassette she almost wore out watching, Christmas or not. It's the first colour adaptation, and even given the one above and the cartoon version, pretty much the first proper musical. I feel it will be hard to fault this in any area, but I've never watched it objectively before, so this will be interesting.

* Sadly I now have to change that to "loved".

CHARACTERS
Scrooge: Well played by Finney, on both the grumpy side and the changed-man side. Sings well too. Probably worth an 8 here.
Marley: Sir Alec Guinness. Need I say more? A clear 10. Good visualisation and great acting, as you would expect. Not hammy in any way and quite true to the character in the story.
Cratchit: Annoyance factor doubled by the fact he sings, but still ok I guess. 6
Tiny Tim: REALLY annoying! And he sings in a soprano. Ugh. But he plays the part well. 4
Others: Bob's friend Tom, who sings "Thank You Very Much" is a revelation, a young Gordon Jackson with hair! Gotta give him a 6 for his performance.
The Ghosts: Ghost of Christmas Past: Very well played as an elderly, no-nonsense woman. Scenes of his past are good. A solid 6
                     Ghost of Christmas Present: A sort of mixture of the classic ideal from the novel and the Jolly Green Giant. Like the idea of the milk of human kindness. Pretty great all around, except for the exclusion of Want and Ignorance at the end. A good 8 here
                    Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: Good until they went and showed his skull-face, which while meant to be a shock was in fact nothing more than schlock, and battering you over the head - look! He's a skeleton! Yeah, we guessed. Sorry, but that drops his rating down to 4.

Faithful to the novel: Mostly, but I have to take issue with the added-on bit at the end, where Scrooge actually ends up in Hell. Not in the story, and although it's clever and handled well, and we get to see Guinness again, it's unnecessary and seems tacked-on. Makes for a lower score than it should have got, and I can only muster 7 here.
Emotion level: Well, with a musical you're always going to have some, yes, but I wasn't all that particularly moved. Not as much as I was, for instance, with some of the less upbeat versions. So only 5 here.
Puke level: Other than Tiny Tim, there's nothing really, so for his sake I'll just throw in a little -2
Horror level: Nah, not really. The Hell scenes are done well but don't scare, the face of the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come is silly and Halloweenish, and there's no dividing of Scrooge's gear, which often adds the real horror element. A little too much concentrating on the songs and not so much on the actual story, so here there's a big fat zero.
Soundtrack: Well, what can you say? One of the best, if not the best ever soundtracks to a Scrooge movie. Great songs like "I Hate People", "Father Christmas", the superb "Thank You Very Much" and the exuberant "I Like Life". Solid 10 all round here.

So, total score then: 74
But with both Albert Finney and Alec Guinness in it that gives it an extra 10, plus a young Gordon Jackson and Roy Kinnear have cameos, so that's another five apiece, giving a
Grand Total of 94, highest score yet.

Year: 1938
Medium: Black-and-white
Starring: Reginald Owen, Gene Lockhart, Kathleen Lockhart, Barry MacKay
Directed by: Edwin L. Marin
Length: 69 mins

Brief comments: Yes! It arrived at last! Considering this was the first time Hollywood really got a hold of the story, I don't feel they messed it up too much or put too much of a spin on it. They did add a few bits here and there and subtract others, which I'll detail later, but by and large this was probably one of the better versions I've seen so far, and I'm glad I shelled out the few bucks for the DVD. Was certainly worth waiting for.

CHARACTERS
Scrooge: Owen is perfect in the part; Scrooge is bent, withered, nasty and old. His transformation, unlike some others, is believable without being over the top, and you can actually see it happening gradually. Not perfect, but a good solid 8 certainly.
Marley: One of the best prior to Alec Guinness's defining portrayal of the melancholy ghost. For the time, the effects are good too: you can see through him, and he doesn't ham it up or go overboard. Very good all round. Another 8.
Cratchit: The least annoying of any of the portrayals of the clerk so far, bar none. I actually didn't hate him, and though the character is always something of a wimp he seemed to possess some sort of inner strength, a sense of defiance that none of the others did. I'll never I expect give a Cratchit a 10, but he definitely deserves a 9
Tiny Tim: Sorry, but the kid brings it all down again, though he's not quite so annoying. But it's hard to like him. I'll say a 6, to be kind.
Others: Fred is well played with great gusto and exuberance and Mrs Cratchit is something of a revelation. I think she and the actor who played Bob Cratchit are/were married in real life, as they both have the same surname. If so, their onscreen chemistry is explainable and very touching. 6 for Fred and 8 for Mrs C.
The Ghosts: The Ghost of Christmas Past: Holy crap she is stunningly gorgeous! Must have been a real heartbreaker in her day. Kind of reminds me, in her manner, of a good fairy godmother, though if they were all like this we'd everyone be crying to go to the ball! Got to give her a 9, easily.
                     The Ghost of Christmas Present: Very powerful, very direct and yet behind his booming laughter lies a note of reproach, not only to Scrooge but to men, who still try to fight in the street, even on Christmas! A good 7 for him.
                     The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: Always hard to do anything with this figure, but he's okay. Just about. A 5, to be fair.

Faithful to the novel: Really, no. There are several departures from the story, including Scrooge sacking Cratchit (which never happened), Scrooge being so incensed about Marley's ghostly appearance that he calls up the Watch to scare him off (never happened either) and several omissions, such as the dividing up of Scrooge's belongings, Scrooge cutting short the trip with the Ghost of Christmas Past (which does happen, but is seldom shown) and again no Want or Ignorance, which was an aspect of the Ghost of Christmas Present that I felt always really grounded the character and made him more than a buffoon who enjoyed the finer things in life. All in all, I can really only award this a low 4.
Emotion level: Some, but not much really. 4 again.
Puke level: Zero
Horror level: Zero; the absence of the trio dividing up Scrooge's things leaves this with no real sense of horror, to me.
Soundtrack: Average. Say a 4. Nothing special.

So our total then is 78, another quite high score. No real extra factors to bump that score up though.

Year: 1971
Medium: Colour (Animated)
Starring: Alastair Sim
Directed by: Richard Williams
Length: 25 mins

Brief comments: The first of what would become a slew of animated versions of the story (I kind of don't count Mister Magoo's Christmas Carol as it was based in the world of an already-known cartoon icon; this was written completely separate to any other cartoon, although others that would follow, particularly Mickey's Christmas Carol, would use well-known cartoon characters as the basis for, and participants in the story. As a version it's short so quite abridged, and few characters speak really. Cratchit barely says a word, Fred has his visit at the beginning but that's about it, and the Ghosts do their bit (well, two of them: The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come never speaks), and generally it's almost a one-man show. It is quite rushed though, however I must admit the animation really gives the feel of something that could have been created in Dickens' time. Decent enough.

CHARACTERS
Scrooge: Can only really concentrate on him, as he has the lion's share of the lines (sorry) but although this is Alastair Sim reprising his role from the 1951 movie, I don't feel he does the character justice here, and it's a bit of a fuddle-headed, confused performance. Quite poor I have to say. A generous 4.
Marley: Quite scary and of course given that this is animated they can do some interesting things, such as making his mouth seem twice the size it should be. Good job on him really. A solid 7
Cratchit: Almost non-existent. Very poor. A low 3 for him.
Tiny Tim: Same. He's hardly in it at all. A very low 2
Others: n/a
The Ghosts: The Ghost of Christmas Past: A good representation, if a bit rushed. Score of 6
                     The Ghost of Christmas Present: Again very good, best of the three, and it includes the skeletal figures of Want and Ignorance, which I remember at the time scared the crap out of me, as they're meant to. For that, mostly, I give him a good score of 8
                     The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: Pretty standard. What can you do, after all, with a silent, ghostly hooded skeleton? 5.

Faithful to the novel: No. The story is shortened too much. What there is is faithful but there's so much left out or glossed over it has to get a low score. I know they were restricted, given the running time, but still, only a 4 here.
Emotion level: Zero
Puke level: Zero
Horror level: I would have said zero too, but the two figures of Want and Ignorance, especially as they awoke such terror in me as a child, have to rescue this and get it a decent 8.
Soundtrack: None really, so zero.

Total then is 47. Given that Sim reprises his role I would have awarded extra points, but the fact that he made such a dull, lifeless Scrooge second time around loses those points. The only other awards I can give is for the actual animation, which is really first class, so 7 for that, and the attendance of the legendary Chuck Jones gets it another 5, so the
Grand Total is then 69

So although all three scored quite highly in the end, we have a very clear winner. It's not that surprising, as it is acknowledged as generally one of the very best versions, and with a total score of 94 Albert Finney's 1970 musical blasts the competition to tatters and strides confidently and easily into the second round.

Winner round three: 1970 starring Albert Finney (dir. Joseph Bowler)