Trollheart's Christmas Media Megathread (Incorporating The Scroogedown)

[Trollheart]

Ultimate Christmas  - The Beach Boys - 1998 (Capitol)

Whether you see it as the title above or the later-released Christmas with The Beach Boys - essentially exactly the same album, released six years later and with one track removed - there can't be anyone you would tend to associate Christmas with less. The Beach Boys have an image of, and sing about, sun, surfing, babes, beaches, all that sort of stuff that takes place under the hot bright California sunshine. So to hear them singing Christmas songs, song about snow and winter and mulled wine and what have you - well, it just seems weird.

It's a damn huge album too, containing a total of nineteen tracks, twenty-six if you include all the remixes, alternate versions and Christmas messages. It's pretty much a collection of every Christmas song the Beach Boys ever recorded, and I guess to their credit there's very little on the album that's not one of their own original compositions. If you're a fan you'll know the likes of "Little Saint Nick", "The man with all the toys" and "Merry Christmas baby". I'm not a fan - can't stand them personally, and this record does nothing for me. To rub salt into the wounds they include a cover from another of my least favourite artists, Elvis, whose "Blue Christmas" they do a passable version of.

I guess it's fun, but really, it all comes across as a little silly and hard to take seriously. Songs about winter fires and snow falling, snowmen and cold nights are all just a little out of place when you know the guys went surfing after recording these songs. Baby it's cold outside? Not for these guys, I'll wager.

TRACKLISTING

1. Little Saint Nick
2. The Man with All the Toys
3. Santa's Beard
4. Merry Christmas, Baby
5. Christmas Day
6. Frosty the Snowman
7. We Three Kings of Orient Are
8. Blue Christmas
9. Santa Claus Is Coming to Town
10. White Christmas
11. I'll Be Home for Christmas
12. Auld Lang Syne
13. Little Saint Nick
14. Auld Lang Syne
15. Little Saint Nick
16. Child of Winter (Christmas Song)
17. Santa's Got An Airplane
18. Christmas Time Is Here Again
19.Winter Symphony
20. (I Saw Santa) Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree
21. Melekalikimaka (aka "Kona Christmas")
22. Bells of Christmas
23. Morning Christmas
24. Toy Drive Public Service Announcement
25. Dennis Wilson Christmas Message
26. Brian Wilson Christmas Interview

[Trollheart]

Christmas - Chris Isaak - 2004 (Reprise)

Name one Chris Isaak record OTHER THAN "Wicked game". Go on, bet you can't. Well, maybe you can if you know his music better than I, but like a lot of people that one single is how I know the guy, and only that. His rise to fame seems to have been a happy (for him) accident really, when a local radio DJ pushed his vocal version of the theme from one of David Lynch's movies, and from there his career took off, with his own radio show and acting parts as well as ten albums (not including this), the latest of which broke the US top ten but didn't do so well over here.

So of course, he was going to release a Christmas album, wasn't he? I mean, really: who buys these things? Who would even think of purchasing one as a present? I got you the new Chris Isaak Christmas album. Chris Rea? Er, no. Chris de Burgh? Errgh! NO! Well it's hardly going to be greeted with open arms, is it? Anyway, our Chris decides he's not just going to play and sing his own favourite songs from the festive period, oh no! No Lionel Ritchie, he! Not for him the safe path to commercial success at Xmas. He decides to write his own songs and mix them in with some Christmas standards. So alongside "Blue Christmas", "White Christmas", "Have youself a merry little Christmas" and "Let it snow", we get five original Chris Isaak Chrismas songs (Chris-mas Isaaks? Sorry...), including the frankly terrible "Gotta be good" (a song that does not take its own advice) and the not much better "Hey Santa!"

He also covers The Beach Boys's "Mekki" ... "Mellik ..." "Makki..." - Oh, you know the one! I'm not spelling THAT one out again! - and Willie Nelson's "Pretty paper", as well as throwing in "Auld lang syne" at the end. The album cover shows him in a car with a Christmas tree on the roof, but does not slow the rest of the picture, where he's hauling a trailer full of cash for having recorded this affront to the holiday season.

TRACKLISTING

1. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
2. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
3. Santa Claus Is Coming to Town
4. Washington Square
5. Blue Christmas
6. The Christmas Song
7. Hey Santa!
8. Let It Snow
9. Christmas on TV
10. Pretty Paper
11. White Christmas
12. Mele Kalikimaka
13. Brightest Star
14. Last Month of the Year
15. Gotta Be Good
16.Auld Lang Syne

[Trollheart]

Merry Christmas with Love - Clay Aiken - 2004 (RCA)

God, they just keep coming, don't they? Perennial runner-up to American Idol Clay Aiken had to have his stab at the Christmas market too, and this only his second album! Of course, the American public (and, I'm sure, many millions of his fans outside the States) ate it up, as you would expect, but really, it's just taking the michael, I feel. Oh well.

Apart from the usual fodder, it's at least interesting in that it features two cover versions of songs by Christian contemporary artists, both of which were written approximately twenty years prior to this album, with Mark Lowry's "Mary, did you know" while Sandy Patti's contribution forms the title track of the album. There's a medley of "Hark! The Herald Angels sing" and "Come all ye faithful", and one of my other Christmas favourites, Spector's "Sleigh ride", but then Celine Dion's "Don't save it all for Christmas Day" brings things back to earth with a bump, while the intensely annoying and smug "What are you doing New Year's Eve" closes proceedings.

I suppose you'd have to say that it was maybe a bold move, making only your second album a Christmas one. Certainly paid off for Aiken, who I have developed a little more respect for after seeing him as a finalist on Donald Trumps's Apprentice show. But the problem here is that the high album sales - two million copies sold worldwide as of 2010 - must surely have been down in very large part to American Idol fans, and really, those are the sort of people who would buy a turd if it had Clay Aiken's name and face on it.

Although maybe that's not being fair. To turds.

TRACKLISTING

1. O Holy Night
2. Winter Wonderland
3. Silent Night
4. Medley: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing/O Come All Ye Faithful
5. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
6. Mary, Did You Know?
7. Joy to the World
8. The Christmas Song
9. Don't Save It All for Christmas Day
10. Merry Christmas with Love
11. Sleigh Ride
12. What Are You Doing New Year's Eve?

[Trollheart]

Well, looks like we made it. Sure, we have to squeeze two in on the one day, but we've been doing that since I began this thread. So, on the last day, as it were, the twelfth, let's finish off


Episode title: Dreaming of a White Porsche Christmas
Series: American Dad
Season: 12
Written by: Brian Boyle
First transmitted: December 1 2014

We have the same writer that gave us the rather superior "The Greatest Christmas Story Never Told", so there's hope, there's hope. Jealous of the footloose and fancy-free (and, one would assume, Francine-free - sorry) life that Principal Lewis leads, and hassled by his family to sort out Christmas, Stan wishes that his life was different and that he had Lewis's life. He says this as he places a plastic angel - one he has not seen before, and got from Roger's room - on the top of the tree. The next morning, his family is gone, there are sexy pictures of women all over the house, his tree has been replaced by, well, something in a bucket with a beer bottle on top, and there's a white Porsche in his garage!

His shock doesn't last long, and he and Roger go on the tear, but when he heads to Lewis to check out some pointers on how to be single, he is gobsmacked to see that the Principal now has his family! He's married to Francine, and has a little black Steve and a little black Hayley. Well, he wished for Lewis's life, and got it, and now Lewis has his life. Seems fair. Stan doesn't think so though. After believing he can just undo the wish, pretending he's learned a lesson when Roger tells him that might be part of the deal, he does what Stan always does: overreacts and takes his, I mean Lewis's family hostage. The CIA soon turn up, as Lewis now has Stan's job too, and Francine, seeing her chance to escape, pretends she believes Stan, who then lets her go to "explain to the CIA". Rather stupidly (though Stan has never been a great thinker anyway) he lets her take the kids too. With no hostages left, it's clear for the Agency to take him down.

Before they can though he drives off in the Porsche, and heads for Suicide Bridge. As he jumps, the CIA riddle him with bullets. And as he lies on the ground, smashed, full of holes and bleeding, they riddle him some more. As he begins to die, an angel appears and tells him that he has learned his lesson and may go back to his family, but it is not his family but another one. The angel tells him this is the kind of family he's been wishing for, being so disappointed with both his son and daughter, and dismissive of Francine, so he now has the sort of family he deserves and wants. But Stan wants his old family back. He meets Roger, who doesn't seem to know him as well as he should, but when he explains to him about his alternate life, Roger agrees to help Stan. He must make a wish, and place the angel on the tree. He does, as Stan holds on to his backside, as Roger did when Stan wished, which was why he ended up in the alternate reality with his friend.

Unfortunately, in every reality Roger is a selfish, stupid, self-centred narcissist, and he wishes for a white Porsche, which he gets, but which has now wasted his only wish. Stan is now stuck in this reality. His last chance is to get his new wife, Mary (oh come on! Mary Christmas? Didn't they make the tired old joke in Family Guy?) to wish she had never married him, but she is intractable, even when Stan rams Roger's Porsche through the house. Finally though he hits upon her Achilles' Heel: he criticises her homekeeping. She takes the angel, makes the wish and Stan is back, happy never to be single again, back with his own family.

Notes

While again so many Christmas specials rely on versions of A Christmas Carol or It's A Wonderful Life - this on the latter - they can really use the device differently, and here we see, not Stan's world without him, but basically Stan without his world. Fed up with his family and contemptuous of their desires he learns to appreciate them by being deprived of them. It's hardly original but it works well. The idea of Roger being dragged along because he was feeling Stan's butt as he placed the angel on the tree is clever, and completely consistent with what we know of Roger, and it's interesting to see wildman Lewis settle down with Francine. Not so good to see Hayley and Steve as little black kids, but there you go. Quite funny too when Stan runs into his new kitchen to ask Klaus what's going on and realises he's just an ordinary fish. "The fish doesn't talk!" he gasps. "What kind of Twilight Zone world am I in?"

You may disagree - I'm sure many do - but I don't like Patrick Stewart's character, so it's no fun for me to see him heading the CIA rescue force, though thankfully he's not in the episode for long. The overkill as Stan goes off the bridge is funny, though perhaps stretched a little when they continue shooting him as he lies on the ground dying. When they all walk off whistling "Deck the Halls" though it does kind of bring a smile to my face. It's a good double-bluff, too, when the angel appears and tells Stan he has learned his lesson, and we think everything will go back to normal, but it doesn't. Also good when Roger wastes his wish. To be honest, Francine is hot, but I'd stay with that other wife if I were Stan. Rowr!

It always slightly disturbs me though the way death is treated so casually in both Seth's series. I know (shut up, I know) it's only a cartoon but I wonder does it contribute even in a small way to the desensitisation of kids towards violence? I mean, we see Principal Lewis run over two people as he hares into the Smiths' driveway, and nothing is said. Roger froths up a bottle of soda and causes two young girls to crash into a tree, and then they destroy a petrol station and nothing is said. It's funny, yes, but is it overly or unnecessarily violent? Family Guy, to its small credit, doesn't tend to focus so much on the violence, but American Dad certainly does. I just wonder if it's appropriate in a Christmas episode? But then of course I thoroughly enjoyed "For Whom the Sleigh Bell Tolls", and you couldn't get more violent than that. Still, that was a battle, and you could see it as necessary or at least justified violence.

Good to see they actually made an effort with the Christmas titles this time. No special song a la Simpsons but they have Stan wearing a Christmas-themed pouch (um,yeah) and the words American Dad are fashioned from Candy Canes. Also, all the characters are wearing Christmas jumpers, antlers or other items and Roger is dressed, in Stan's car, as the crucified Jesus, something I would have thought they would have done before this. That or Santa. At the end there's a Christmas song, so it's a lot more geared towards the festive season than previous ones, even the aforementioned "For Whom the Sleigh Bell Tolls" was.

Stan's arrogance is always annoying, his belief that he is right no matter what, and it's gratifying to see him taken down a peg or two; we wonder if he has learned his lesson, then remember this is Stan Smith we're talking about. Of course he hasn't. But for now it seems he appreciates his family, and I guess that's as good as it gets. Overall a very satisfying episode, and enjoyable to watch. Well written, well thought out, well resolved. Well done, Mr. Boyle. We look forward to other efforts by you.

[Trollheart]

The time has come, the time to find out which of the many versions we've looked at, now that we're down to just two, will take the title and win



So we're left with two finalists, as both The Muppet Christmas Carol and Kelsey Grammer's Christmas Carol: The Musical fought off all comers to land a place in the top two, and now we have to decide who will become the ultimate version of the story committed to the screen? As we have done up to now, we'll begin with characterisation.

Scrooge
Muppets: Well, as fine an actor as Michael Caine is, and well enough though he plays the part I feel he was always, as any live actor will be, going to have to play second fiddle to the Muppets themselves. So while he gives us a great performance it's often that our attention is elsewhere, as Kermit or Fozzy or even Gonzo divert it, and the whole idea of Scrooge being the central character is a little subverted here.

Grammer: On the other hand, Grammer's performance, on a par certainly with Caine's, has him in centre shot every scene almost, and if we're not appreciating his acting we're delighted by his singing. He drives the movie, as Scrooge should, and our attention is hardly ever taken away from him.

So on this evidence, Grammer gets this easily. 1-0 to Kelsey Grammer's 2004 version

Marley
Muppets: Much as I like Stadtler and Waldorf, and their song is funny, I just can't get my head around the blatant changing of the storyline to allow for two Marleys. It's a step too far.

Grammer: And although I don't like Seinfeld, I must admit Jason Alexander plays his part really well, good effects and the danse macabre fits in perfectly with the song. A little overlong perhaps, but streets ahead of the two Marleys.

So again, it's 2-0 to Grammer here.

Cratchit
Muppets: It's Kermit, so how can you vote against him?

Grammer: Really, nothing special at all. Muppets take this round without even breaking a sweat (do Muppets sweat?)

2-1 to Grammer now

Tiny Tim
Muppets: It's Kermit's nephew, Robin. he's so cute!

Grammer: Again, nothing to write home about and annoying in a way Robin is not.

So another victory for the Muppets, levelling the score now at 2-2

Others
Muppets: We have Gonzo as Charles Dickens, who though I don't like Gonzo I have to say plays the part really well and moves the story along. It's also a clever device that removes any need for a narrative voiceover. Then there's the inspired pairing of Beaker and Doctor Bunsen Burner. Hard to beat all that.

Grammer: The only other real character here is the girl whose father is in debt to Scrooge and whose house is about to be repossessed. She's good, but doesn't add enough to the story to beat the Muppets, who take this round, edging into the lead.

3-2 to the Muppets!

And now for the Ghosts.
Ghost of Christmas Past
Muppets: Nothing special. The voice was an annoying squeak and the idea he or she might have been an angel was a little confusing.

Grammer: Well I'm still having wet dreams about her, so she wins by a pair of very shapely legs!

Ghost of Christmas Present
Muppets: Friendly guy, big Muppet and quite serviceable if nothing terribly special.

Grammer: I'm afraid I didn't like him, and his stage production just bugged the tits off me. So the Muppets win this one.

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come
Muppets: Always hard to rate this guy. Dickens wrote him as little other than a silent cloaked figure, so without interfering too much with the original there's not a lot you can do. Their version was ok I guess.

Grammer: Interesting idea to have the Ghost in white instead of what has been remarkably the pattern, black. Also the idea that it's female, and based on someone Scrooge has met, is clever. All of which swings this well into Grammer's corner.

So the score is now 4-4, would you believe!

Okay then, they're our characters. Time to move on to the other factors.

True to the novel?
Muppets: Very much so, with hardly any deviation, even given the little comedic asides with Gonzo and Rizzo.

Grammer: Adds in quite a lot to the original story, but as I said earlier rather than detracting from the story they actually make it more kind of fleshed out, and I think Dickens would have approved. Hard one this.

The Muppets satisfy the criterion of sticking to the story, but so many other versions have done so, that I think Grammer's version was brave and visionary in adding on as it did, therefore I'm awarding this round to him.

5-4 to Grammer.

On the rest of the categories - Emotion, Horror and Puke level - everything is pretty much as you were, so that leaves us with
Soundtrack
Muppets: Some good songs, fairly twee but you'd expect that.
Grammer: A triumphant full score with some amazing songs, and really keeps the music going even for dialogue. Well, it is a musical from a stage play! The juxtapositioning of songs like "It is nothing to do with me" at the start  to "It's all to do with me" after his conversion, in a sort of 1970s Finney way is well executed, and I really have to give this to Grammer, making the score

6-4 to him.

So is that it? Or is there anything else we can look at? There's no point in looking at stars, as both have a bona fide screen icon playing the main role, and though the Muppet Christmas Carol has no other stars per se, the Muppets are all stars themselves, so their presence kind of cancels out the host of other stars in Grammer's version, leading to a draw there. There's overall enjoyment I guess, but then I thoroughly enjoyed each, so that would be a draw too. I guess you could say the Muppet version is an original screenplay, whereas Grammer's is based on a stage play, but then, he was in that too, so that still makes it pretty original in my book.

I honestly don't see any other factors to be taken into consideration, and so I declare the winner of the Scrooge Showdown, the alltime best ever movie version of "A Christmas Carol" to be

Thank you all for sticking with me, and may God bless us, every one! Or something.

[Trollheart]

Ah-hoy-hoy! Or perhaps I should say "Ah-hoy-hoy-hoy!" Ah yes how amusing. I really must start paying my writers. What do you mean, pay them more? No, no, my friend: I mean pay them at all. Well they have to work off their little bursts of creativity somewhere now don't they? And I do have those photographs...

Quite. So just remember that, all right? Now, let me just sit down a moment. All this running from journal to journal tires an old man out, you know! I'm not the spry seventy-eight-year-old I once was! But it's worth it if it means I can show you what Christmas a la Burns is like. Time to have a peek at another one of those pesky Christmas songs, eh? You know the ones: always blasting at full volume out of the infernal wireless or tootling out of the tannoy whenever you go down to the local shopping auditorium to purchase some bengay and a bottle of catsup. Or is it ketchup? Catsup? Ketchup? Catsup? Ketchup? I get confused; well who wouldn't? The blasted bottles look identical, for the love of Peter!

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes: those dratted Christmas songs. Can't avoid them. Go shopping, there they are. Stay at home, there they are. Even if I switch off all forms of media in my mansion I can still hear their annoying croaking drifting up from the servants' quarters - what? I specifically told them there was to be NO entertainment this Christmas! Remind me to fire them, preferably on Christmas Eve. Bwa-ha-ha-ha!
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Anyhoo, on with the show, as they say. Here's our next cheery Christmas tune, just ripe for the picking apart.


What? Where in blues blazes is my picture? Oh for the love of... Because the words "wish" and "it" come together the stupid Nanny system has decided the word is "shit" and won't show the picture because the link is "asterisked" out in places! Bah! Release the hounds on these do-gooder, tree-hugging, save-the-whales hippies! I hate them all! Now I have to save the image on my own computator - er, SMITHERS! Yes, it keeps saying "file not found". .. ah. Excellent. Most impressive. Now go home to your can of cold mushroom soup. I no longer need you.

Let's see now, upload. Upload? What in - SMITHERS!! Ah yes, thank you once again. Most kind. Yes in fact the hounds HAVE been released: you know the distance to the wall, I'm sure a fit young fellow like you can make it in - Hmm. I would advise you desist wasting time and - Ah. Hello? Emergency Services? Yes. Ambulance please, post haste. Yes, Burns Manor. Yes, Smithers again. Yes, the Hounds. Look, I don't intend playing twenty questions with you young lady! Send the meat wagon immediately! Thank you. Oh yes, of course. Merry Christmas to you too. (Bah!)

Now let's just see if ... Huzzah! Success!

Ah yes, excellent! Wizzards eh? I could do with a new potion to extend my - what?!! I've never heard such poppycock in all my days! You wish it could be Christmas every day, do you? Well, you're the only one, my bearded friend! You seriously believe that the Sally Housewifes and Eddie Punchclocks of this world would enjoy queuing for presents, taking their squalling brats to see some old fool dressed as Santa Claus (it was a WAGER, all right? I lost a wager...), writing Christmas cards and running up credit card bills the size of a Central African country's GDP do you? Every day? You would have this horrendous season every single day? Are you mad?

The mere logistics of such a thing boggle the mind! You would have to have had three hundred and sixty-five identitcal Saviours, each born in the same city one day apart, for that to work. Do you know the odds against that happening? And how would the economy fare, were your fond dream to come true, hmm? Hard-pressed employers like myself are forced by law to allow our lollygagging drones a day off for this momentous day, and you would have it every day, would you? So the organ banks would be off 365 days a year, ie there would be no work done. What utter nonsense!

Speaking of nonsense, let's take a closer look at these so-called lyrics and see if they at least make some sort of - what in the hellfires of damnation?? "When the snowman brings the snow"? Snowmen are MADE of snow, you bearded moron! They can't BRING snow. Snow brings them. Assuming some snivelling little child has the time on his busy hands to create one! What else is there, let's see... "Now the frosty paws appear, and they've frozen up my beard"... Were these chaps known to indulge in the "waccy baccy", as I believe it's referred to these days? Ah, they were? Explains a lot. Not that line though: what in the name of Samuel Hill are these frosty paws he's talking about?

Oh dear, this is getting depressing. "When Santa brings his sleigh all along the Milky Way." Santa lives in the North Pole, you fool! It's on Earth! He doesn't have to travel the galaxy, and he couldn't anyway: how would those delightful (and delicious, take it from one who knows - oh you thought there were only eight reindeer, did you? That was the year SANTA lost the wager! ) reindeer breathe? Absolute balderdash! Oh, and look at the last line: "Why don't you give your love for Christmas?" Capital idea! Find the cheapest, most meaningless present that is going to take you zero time to buy, wrap and give. Baste my steaming puddings! Can you imagine anyone offering their love as a Christmas present? And they call me a miser!

Look, the biggest mistake I can see was when a band decided to record a Christmas song when previously their main area of interest had been in advising people to see their baby jive. Should have stuck to those sort of songs, my friends. Now we're condemned to listen to this idiotic drivel every single Christmas till we die. So thank Satan that it isn't Christmas every day, because if it was I think I would just have to end it all. And take Smithers with me of course. Smithers? Why are you looking at me like that? No no no! When I die, you'll be buried alive with me! What? I thought you said you couldn't bear to be separated? Well, this way that will never happen. It's my gift to you, on this festive season of giving.

Merry Christmas Smithers! Of course I'll come to see you in hospital, my faithful lackey! (Hah! Not bloody likely! Now, want ads, want ads ... faithful lackey required, must be able to run faster than the Hounds....)

[Trollheart]

Once more unto the weird, my friends, once more. Or choke up their chimneys with our discarded wrapping paper, or something.

Last chance to check out some totally off-the-wall Christmas songs, as recommended by friends and enemies, another time, another place...

I had to include both of these, although they're by the same artist.

This is sung to the tune of "Iron Man" and even has Ozzy in a cameo getting furious that he's been ripped off! Not to mention the two young ladies in the video, one "Naughty" and one "Nice"! I know which I'd prefer! Great lyric: "Full of Christmas cheer/ He only has to work one day a year" and "Millions of kids out there/ Santa must be a millionaire"! Excellent.

And this is hilarious! Crossdressing song set to the tune of "Winter Wonderland" - "In the snow there's a teddy, little straps like spaghetti". Wonderful stuff. And very weird. In a good way.

What can you say about "The 12 lays of Christmas"? I should be so lucky! Good singer though.

Another favourite (!) of The Batlord, here's Insane Clown Posse with their take on Christmas.

No idea what album it's from - and I trawled through their discography in case it showed up but no luck - but it's pretty funny, with a healthy dose of angry.

[Trollheart]

Time for the penultimate selection from


(I didn't rank them, as I said, but man, some of these come with warnings from me, and they are appropriate! Listen at your own risk!)


Christmas with You - Clint Black - 2004 (Equity)

I guess in many ways you could say Country music is almost uniquely suited to the Christmas market. I don't claim to be any sort of an expert, but it seems to me that Country relies a lot on sentimentality, memories, traditions and has a real connection with religion, all relevant and important factors when constructing a Christmas album. Of course, there are so many Country artists out there, and whose record do you find the most repugnant, from a Christmas point of view?

Well, Clint Black (NO! CLINT! C-L-I-N-T! Don't be dirty!) comes close. Now I don't know the guy, have no experience of his music, but the sheer oversentimentality and cheesiness that drips from every groove on this record (ask yer parents, I'm sick explaining! Well, ask yer grandparents, then!) definitely puts him in my crosshairs. Add to that the fact that this album is a reissue of his original Christmas outing, back in 1996, and you really have to ask yourself why he's bothering unleashing it on us again? I know that's probably the label's call, but still, you'd imagine he would have some input.

Every song here is an original. That could be good, or it could be bad. It's bad. There are, admittedly, no angels having been heard singing on high or nights without any sound, and not a snowman to be seen, but these songs are so bad I almost wish there were. From the dreary and sickening opener "The finest gift", where Clint talks about his woman's love as being, you guessed it, to the terrible "Santa's holiday song", which mercifully closes the album, this is mawkish schmaltz from the word go to the word please stop. Yeah, I know that's two words!

In fairness, there are a few decent tracks. "The kid" is an interesting idea, where the singer remembers being a child and all excited about Christmas, then is grown up as a parent and watching his kid do the same thing, and "Looking for Christmas" is a nice look at the arrival in Bethlehem two thousand and some years ago. Trouble is, it's the title of the original '96 album, which kind of reminds you you're paying for recycled product. But the bad definitely outweighs the good, which tracks like "Milk and cookies (Til Santa's gone)" and "Under the mistletoe" particularly puke-inducing, though "The coolest pair" is a bit of fun. That fun does not however last very long.

TRACKLISTING

1. The Finest Gift
2. Under the Mistletoe
3. The Kid
4. The Coolest Pair
5. Looking for Christmas
6. Christmas for Every Boy and Girl
7. 'Til Santa's Gone (Milk and Cookies)
8. Slow as Christmas
9. The Birth of the King
10. Looking for Christmas (Reprise)
11. Christmas with You
12. Santa's Holiday Song

[Trollheart]

All I can say is, knock back that eggnog or mulled wine, or indeed, triple whisky (you'll need it!) if you're going to listen to this.

Christmas: Women of Faith - Women of Faith - 2000 (Integrity)

I would never slag anyone's religion or beliefs off, but it must be a scary sight, thousands and thousands of women all coming together in the name of Jesus. That's what Women of Faith is: an organisation that holds these sort of concerts, festivals, gatherings where they all get together and sing about how much they love the Saviour. Kind of like Glastonbury, but without the leather, loud music, booze, drugs, scantily-clad girls, motorbikes, references to the Devil ... yeah, nothing like Glastonbury really. Probably more like a very long mass with music. Urgh! Anyway, they also produce these albums, and I suppose if they're going to do so, Christmas would seem the perfect time.

The trouble is, as with most overtly-religious groups, or anyone trying to push a view, they come across as over-enthusiastic to the point of almost hostility to anyone who doesn't hold their views. The album of course is heavily slanted towards songs of a religious nature, so you have "Joy to the world", "Silent night", "Away in a manger", "O holy night", as well as various medleys, but nothing about the most important person, the one Christmas is all about, he who was born on this day to take away our sins. Yeah, nothing about Santa Claus at all!

Seriously, you wouldn't give this as a present to anyone, unless they're a dyed-in-the-wool Christian who thinks going to mass seven days a week is not enough. The music's pleasant enough, and sung well, but as always with Christian artists I find an underlying current of veiled menace in the way these songs are put across: it's like they're saying "This is our special time, now hear us roar!" Uh, yeah.

TRACKLISTING

1. Medley: You Are Emmanuel/Emmanuel
2. Angels We Have Hear On High
3. Joy To The World
4. O Holy Night
5. Medley: Thou Didst Leave Thy Throne/Worthy, You Are Worthy
6. Silent Night
7. Medley: The Birthday Of A King/O Come All Ye Faithful
8. Holy Lamb Of God
9. Away In A Manger
10. Medley: One Small Child/More Precious Than Silver

[Trollheart]

Christmas in the Stars: Star Wars Christmas - Meco Monardo - 1996 (Rhino)

Quite possibly outright winner for the "weirdest Christmas album" goes to this one, in which producer Meco Monardo, at the time famous for his disco treatments of the famous Star Wars tunes, turns his hand to celebrating the festive season in the company of Chewbacca, C3PO and R2D2. With songs like "What do you buy a Wookie for Christmas (When he's already got a comb)?" and "The odds against Christmas", not to mention the title track, you're unlikely to come across another offering of this, well, weirdness, anywhere.

It even has Threepio retelling "The night before Christmas", while his shorter, rounder companion whistles and bleeps his way through an interesting rendition of "Sleigh ride". Most of the songs were written by a Yale Music Professor, just to add to the esoteric nature of the album, and produced by Meco, with all the songs running into a general overall theme and story that threads its way through the album, as droids working for Santa slowly come to learn the meaning of Christmas.

Only one meaning for George though: gimme that foldin' green! This album is only for Star Wars fanatics, or someone who wants a good laugh at Xmas time. To anyone else, it's just going to seem - what's the word? - oh yeah: weird.

TRACKLISTING

1. Christmas In The Stars
2. Bells, Bells, Bells
3. The Odds Against Christmas
4. What Can You Get A Wookiee For Christmas....
5. R2-D2 We Wish You A Merry Christmas
6. Sleigh Ride
7. Merry, Merry Christmas
8. A Christmas Sighting ('Twas The Night Before...)
9. The Meaning Of Christmas

[Trollheart]

Christmas Time Again - Lynyrd Skynyrd - 2000 (CMC International)

Oh guys! How could you? Of all the people I expected not to succumb to the lure of a Christmas album...!

Yep, at the turn of the millennium the boys who brought you "Sweet home Alabama" and "Free bird" sold their souls, and not for rock and roll either. With songs like "Santa Claus wants some lovin'" and "Hallelujah, it's Christmas!" though, you know this is not going to be just another tired collection of carols and hymns, and Xmas favourites. But it finds its way into this list due to my sheer disbelief that the godfathers of southern rock would even consider releasing such a thing.

There are contributions from Charlie Daniels on "Santa Claus is coming to town", two Rudolph songs - "Run Rudolph run" and the perennial "Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer" - and even 38 Special put in an appearance. Oddly enough, there's a version of "Greensleeves" - not sure why that seems to be associated with Christmas these days - and the opener "Santa's messin' with the kid" is great fun, but overall you have to wonder why a band of Skynyd's calibre would get involved in something like this. Surely they couldn't have run out of whisky money already?

TRACKLISTING

1. Santa's Messin' with the Kid
2. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
3. Christmas Time Again
4. Greensleeves
5. Santa Claus Is Coming to Town
6. Run Run Rudolph
7. Mama's Song
8. Santa Claus Wants Some Lovin'
9. Classical Christmas"
10. Hallelujah, It's Christmas
11. Skynyrd Family

[Trollheart]

Christmas Time is Here - Christopher Cross - 2010 (101 Distribution)


Now a lot of us like Chris, and those of us that don't at least know his hits, but surely this is yet another unnecessary, unwanted Christmas album by an artist who should know better? Taking into account Cross's considerable songwriting talent, I think (though I can't be sure, despite repeated searches for the answer) that he has written some new songs here. Certainly titles like "Count your blessings instead of sheep" and "Dream of peace at Chrismastime" sound new, and I definitely haven't heard or seen them on any of the other Christmas albums I've so far eviscerated, sorry, reviewed.

He doesn't overpopulate it with "Christmas favourites" either, with just "Have yourself a merry little Christmas", "Silent night", "The Christmas song" and "Little drummer boy" fitting the bill, though he does throw in one or two I haven't heard much, if at all, before, such as "O come, o come Emmanuel", also that one that cropped up on Density, sorry Destiny's Child's offering, 8 Days of Christmas, "Do you hear what I hear". So a pretty balanced album all taken as all, and probably not the worst, but again I ask the pertinent and recurring question: why?

Other than the obvious reason, no-one's been able to answer that yet, which means that every album on this list qualifies to be here.

TRACKLISTING

1. Silent Night
2. Christmas Time is Here
3. The Christmas Song
4. Does It Feel Like Christmas
5. Little Drummer Boy
6. I'll Be Home For Christmas
7. A Dream Of Peace At Christmas Time
8. Count Your Blessings instead of Sheep
9. Do You Hear What I Hear
10. The Best Christmas
11. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
12. O Come, O Come,Emmanuel

[Trollheart]

And finally, we reach the end of


Episode title: Road to the North Pole
Series: Family Guy
Season: 9
Written by: Chris Sheridan, Danny Smith
First transmitted: December 12 2010

Ah, now we're cooking! As I've said before, if one tenuous and yet very strong strand of rope holds, or held, the entire Family Guy apparatus together, keeping it precariously swinging over the abyss but not falling into it, it's the relationship between Stewie and Brian. If you get an episode without the two of them in it, chances are, these days anyway, it's going to suck. Add in the "Road" series, of which there have been, to date, seven not including this, and you almost always have a recipe for success. So to team that up with a Christmas episode and have the intrepid pair head to see Santa, well, you're guaranteed a good episode.

I don't normally do this, but as most if not all of the "Road" movies have interesting and different opening titles, with the usual song and dance (literally) absent, and the theme entirely changed, and as this is a Christmas episode which for once allows the cartoonists to reference the holiday season, I think it might be worth checking off all the Christmas-themed shots that are shown in these opening titles.

So, they are then, in order: Stewie and Brian in "The Nutcracker", dashing across the snow in a sleigh (open but not one-horse), a scene from A Christmas Carol in which Brian plays the ghost of Jacob Marley and Stewie is a frightened Scrooge, Brian building a snowman while Stewie builds a rather gay-looking strongman version of Rupert, Brian pulling a different sleigh down a hill with antlers on his head while Stewie urges him on with a whip, from atop a massive sack of presents, then Brian and Stewie as ornaments on a Christmas tree, the two of them camping out at night in a snow-covered forest, Stewie tobogganing down a snowy hill on Brian's back, Brian wearing a top hat and smoking a pipe. Then we have Stewie staring in horror at something while outside Chris grins evilly and Brian looks annoyed, Brian and Stewie having a snowball fight, with Stewie about to launch a barrage of snowballs at Brian via a catapult, Stewie electrocuting Brian with the Christmas lights, the two of them as biscuits left out on a plate for Santa, a bite taken out of Stewie, the two of them filling Meg's stocking with coal (Brian with a wheelbarrow full of the stuff wearing a hard hat while Stewie stands on a ladder and empties a bag of it  into the stocking) and Brian and Stewie making snow angels (though Stewie's comes out as a snow devil - did they steal that from The Simpsons or vice versa?). Note: none of these scenes occur in the show.

There: we've had some super fun already and there's been plenty to write about, and we're only through the credits. It starts in live action, with for some reason Seth's actual father narrating the show, but that thankfully quickly fades out and we get a big musical number, which to be fair Family Guy are very good at doing. Brian is taking Stewie to see Santa at the mall, but the line is so long that by the time they get to the top the store is closing and they're unable to be seen. Furious, Stewie decides to go to see Santa at the North Pole and give him a piece of his mind. Of course he can't drive so Brian has to take him. He tries to fool him by bringing him instead to Santa's Village, but Stewie sees through it. When Brian tries to talk him out of going to the actual North Pole, Stewie says he has to, as he intends to take his revenge on Santa by killing him.

Brian still refuses, knowing how long - and pointless - such a journey is, but Stewie decks him and next thing he sees the baby is in a truck headed north. With no alternative but to follow him, Brian sets off. Stewie causes a traffic accident when he sets off a flare gun in the cab and Brian's car is also wrecked. Although he tries to convince Stewie that his quest is doomed to failure, as Santa does not exist, Stewie refuses to believe him. They make a deal, and borrow a snowmobile and they are on their way. Their fuel runs out though so they have to spend the night in an old hunting lodge, and head off in the morning on foot.

To Brian's amazement (but not ours obviously) there is a North Pole where Santa lives, and they have reached it. However, when they enter they find that instead of a Christmas toytown village with elves running around and wooden trains and cars and things, it's a smoking, frowning industrial nightmare, huge chimney stacks belching foul dark fumes out into the soot-choked air, high wooden gates and a Santa who is very depressed and tired. So much so that when Stewie, recovering somewhat, declares he is here to kill him, Santa sighs "Thank god!" and encourages him to pull the trigger. He takes them inside, to show them that his elves have degenerated, after centuries of in-breeding, into a mutated race of simpletons and monsters. The reindeer have become feral, feasting on the elves who walk outside to die when it gets too much. He tells them this has all come about because kids these days want too much, and his staff are forced to work ridiculously long hours, polluting the environment and sinking deeper into misery and despair.

Cue another musical number in which Santa and his elves complain that Christmas is killing them. Santa then collapses, and while he's being cared for Brian and Stewie deliver the presents, taking the sleigh. Would anyone like to hazard a guess as to whether this all works out according to plan? Of course they crash, the reindeer stuck up a tree and pretty soon they're, well, murdering a family to cover their tracks. Ah, Christmas! Don't you just love it? Having completely failed to do the job, Brian and Stewie instead present Santa, frail and ill in a wheelchair and hooked up to IVs, on the news, and explain how everyone's incessant and greedy demands at Christmas for more, more more is killing him, and ask everyone to restrict their list to one present a year, in order to save Santa Claus.

One year later...

Santa's village is back to how it should be, the elves are, well, human again and Santa is hale and hearty. Everyone gets just one present and is happy about it, and all is well.

Notes

As explained in the intro, this is a really excellent Family Guy Christmas episode, which is really a feat, considering the dross they've served up over the years. But it's mostly - well, let's be honest, it's all on the back of that partnership that continues to keep the Family Guy franchise lurching along when it should have been put down years ago. With a "Road" movie to buttress this story, it's a whole different, er, story. There's a real feel of Christmas about it, from the opening Hollywood-style titles to the songs and the setting at the North Pole, and the climactic ending, but there's enough madness thrown in to make sure you never forget this is, after all, Family Guy you're watching.

The industrialisation of Santa's Village is harrowing and well done, the mutant/retard elves clever and the feral reindeer a nice touch, while Stewie and Brian's attempts to take over the Christmas delivery have hilarious and indeed terrifying consequences (Stewie: "Let's be honest, Brian. This is no longer a Christmas delivery, it's a home invasion!") providing nearly - nearly - as much blood and gratuitous violence as the American Dad episode. Thank Christ Peter is only peripherally involved in this episode, as he really would have ruined it, though I don't get the reason Seth's father (yeah apparently it really is him) had to introduce and narrate the episode. Probably just wanted to feature. He doesn't add anything to it, other than the expected crude jokes.

The crash of the big rig and the subsequent road accident, the trek across the snow on the snowmobile, the winking David Boreanaz in the sky, all classic FG tropes and Brian's struggle to try to let Stewie down gently over the non-existence of Santa, hit upside the head when he realises he has been wrong, shows the depth of feeling between the two - well, mostly from Brian's side, who doesn't want to shatter the kid's illusions but can see no other way of dissuading him from taking the long trip. Quagmire's contempt for Brian also comes in here, when he cuts the line for Santa and inadvertently ends up traumatising his niece, a cancer patient. There's also time for cameos from a few well-known characters, including Seamus, the doctor, Mayor West and Bruce to name but a few.

But there are as usual questions. First off, how did Santa's elves all suddenly normalise within a year? Or if these are new ones, is it possible for them to breed that much in one year and if so, what happened to the old, mutant ones with the reindeer gone? Were they disposed of somehow? Well okay there's just that one question. I like the way the doctor elf left to look after Santa looks like a tiny Steve from American Dad.

Without question the best of the (really poor) Family Guy Christmas episodes. If only they left Christmas in the hands of those who know how to do it, and not entrust so much to the fat man, they might have ended up having better ones down the years. Oh well; at least one doesn't suck.


HAPPY CHRISTMAS FUCKERS!

[Trollheart]

I probably should have included this in The Twelve Days of Christmas Cartoons, but at the time, for whatever reason, I didn't, so let's have it then as the last of our






"Xmas Story" Futurama episode (Fox, 1999)

A homicidal robotic Santa who charges around on Xmas Eve in a sled powered by huge, snarling, fire-breathing reindeer and whose main objective is to kill everyone seen as "naughty" on his list, ie everyone: what's not to like? Once again Futurama take a well-known and loved character and evil him up, turning the whole premise of Santa and even Christmas on its head. In this episode, Fry is looking forward to Christmas (now officially called Xmas) but everyone else fears being attacked by the robot Santa, something he does not understand until he foolishly gets caught out on the streets after dark looking for a present for Leela...

This may not be an actual staple of Christmas TV but it should, and if you get a chance to see it make sure you do. Lines like "Their mistletoe is no match for my TOW missile!" and "Santa Claus is gunning you down!" in addition to the appearance of the mad robot Santa, an army of homeless robber robots led by Bender doing a passable Fagin, and some iconic movie scenes recreated all make this worth seeing. Truth is, though nobody has confirmed it, I think the robot Santa made his first real appearance in the Simpsons episode "Homer's Phobia", when John, the gay toyshop owner, used one very similar to rout the reindeer that were attacking Homer.

There was a followup story "A Tale of Two Santas", in which Bender takes over the role of the robot Santa, but for my money this is the best, being the original. Mind you, if you get a chance to see that one don't miss it either.

[Trollheart]

Let's wrap this up then (see what I did there?) and check out the last of the


Never mind, it'll all be over soon, just a nasty memory your mind will block for you for years to come, rather than face the awful truth...
Warning from Trollheart: these are some heavy-duty, seriously BAD selections coming up! If you're not sure you can handle it DO NOT continue. You have been warned...

Christmas for All - The Kelly Family - 1995 (Import)

Hah! Nearly wrote "The Jelly Family" there! Ah, wouldn't that be something? A family of gelatin desserts, all singing about Christmas. You think that would be bad? Then you haven't heard this album! The only possible thing worse than if the Corrs were to release a Christmas album (and they may have done; I'm only scratching the tip of the crapberg here) is an album from the Kelly Family, and the only thing worse than an album from the Kelly Family is a Christmas album from the Kelly Family!

The kind of people who give Ireland a bad name, travelling around in a double-decker bus and playing trad music, upping the Paddywhackery factor to ten, and they're not even Irish! I mean, they have Irish  blood, but they originate from the USA then came to Spain before finding fame as this travelling musical family, but they rely heavily on celebrating their Catholic faith and family values in their music. However, any band or group who can write a song about bedwetting gets the thumbs-down from me!

This is, in fact, their second Christmas album, and features such glorious Xmas ditties as "Jingle bells", "Ave Maria", "The first Noel" and "We are the world" (?)  I say again, ?. Also included is one of my most hated "comedy" Christmas songs, "All I want for Christmas is me two front teeth" (Christ!) and other favourites such as "Silent night" and "Little drummer boy", as well as some of their own material, like "Santa Maria" and "Peces" - which, given the subject matter of the  earlier mentioned song should perhaps be titled "Feces"?

It would certainly describe this collection of annoying, family-friendly, over-the-top happy, pointless, unrealistic and annoying (I know I said annoying twice, but it is that annoying!) Christmas songs. Another album that should have been strangled at birth. Bring on the Corrs, says I!

TRACKLISTING

1. One more Christmas
2. Santa Maria
3. White Christmas
4. Peces
5. Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
6. Two front teeth
7. The first Noel
8. Ave Maria
9. O holy night
10. Chi-qui-rri-tin
11. Who'll come with me
12. Jingle bells
13. Little drummer boy
14. We are the world
15. Santa Maria (reprise)