Trollheart's Christmas Movies & TV Megathread (Incorporating The Scroogedown)

[Trollheart]

Christmas is a time for many things: goodwill to all men (except that guy), presents, getting drunk, eating too much, falling asleep over the TV, and apparently celebrating the birth of some guy who may, or may not, have existed. It's a time for spending money you don't have, covering your house in as much sparkly flashing lights as you can, as long as it's more than the neighbour has on his, and for bringing the family together. It's a time to think of the less well-off, to reflect on the year we've just been through, look forward (or not) to the one about to arrive, and, if you have young kids, to wonder if this year is the one you should tell them the harsh, ugly truth, then deciding what the hell? Let them dream for another year.

It's also a time for repeats, be they on the TV or after you've eaten far too much turkey and must excuse yourself from polite company. And so, I have no shame whatsoever in plundering the trunks and chests wherein I store my old journals back on Music Banter, scouring them for any Christmas-themed events I can find (and believe me, there was a time when I did Christmas BIG!) and hauling them protesting over here. Thought their work was done, did they? Thought they could rest? Hah! They don't know Trollheart!

And so, for the first time for some of you, and possibly horrifying deja vu for one or two, welcome all to the run-up to the Big Day I like to call, with staggering originality


Here you will, over the next week, find such, um, delights as

incorporating

And my labour of love from back when MB was a decent place, sort of


This is not all there will be, by any means. In fact, my plan is to spend the next week slaving over this thread in an attempt to weave together (geddit?) all the disparate but all extremely tedious Christmas specials I've created over the years. One way or the other, there should be something in here for everyone, even those (perhaps especially those) who hate the damned season of goodwill. Feel free to comment on, find fault with, add to or attempt to obtain legal injunctions against anything here.

Note: Over the next few days you'll see this thread (well, megathread) bloat like you after your third helping of turkey and potatoes, but don't worry. Like that box of chocolates you really want to try, but just don't have the room for right now, the thread will be here when you're ready to sample it. And anyway, it can be read after Christmas. Who was it said they wished it could be Christmas every day? Well not me, mate! I ain't doing this all year! 

Still, it's fun and sure what else would you be doing?

Hey, like the man in the hat says

[Trollheart]

Let's kick off with some laughs then, shall we? I want to look into the various excellent animated Christmas specials from three of the  shows I feel do them best, and which I'm most familiar with: The Simpsons, American Dad and Family Guy. Although I've decided to do this late (no I was NOT visited by three ghosts last night!) and don't have enough days, and so will have to cram in more than one a day, nevertheless I'm going to pick the twelve I feel are best and feature them here in a little thing I like to call


It's become something of a tradition on The Simpsons to have a Christmas episode, although unlike the likes of Dr. Who, you can't be guaranteed one every season. Even so, with thirty seasons and counting that would probably be enough to feature all Simpsons Christmas episodes on their own, but that might be boring, especially to the few among you who may not enjoy the show. Of course, you may not like the other ones either, but at least you have a better chance of seeing something here you may be interested in if there's a wider spread of programmes.

So each day I'll choose one from a different show, try to mix it up as best I can. With The Simpsons having been the major force in "adult" animation for decades now though, it's clear that there will be, shall we say, more than one offering from America's favourite cartoon family. I'll try not to let Homer and Co. take this over though. I'll give him some donuts, that'll keep him happy.

So we'll be starting with this.

Episode title: "Simpsons Roasting On an Open Fire"
Series: The Simpsons
Season: One
First transmitted: December 17 1989
Written by: Mimi Pond

Although this was the first episode ever screened of the show proper (leaving aside the shorts on Tracey Ullman's show which provided the springboard for the most successful animated show in history), here in Ireland the first screened was "Call of the Simpsons" (seventh in the actual running order). Why do you care? You don't: but I just want to point out that, unlike everyone else, this episode was not my first experience of the show. But anyway, it basically introduces all the characters - to those who had not watched Tracey Ullman - as well as supporting ones, but really there are three main ones, which I'll get into shortly.

If this was the first time you ever - and I mean ever - heard of or saw America's real First Family, the first characters you see are Marge and Homer, who are driving to see their kids perform in the Christmas pageant at the school. We also see, peripherally, Maggie, the baby, in a kind of starfish costume, presumably to keep her warm against the December chill. Next up is a man who will be the bane of the Bad Boy of the Simpsons, it's Principal Skinner, who introduces the next act, in which we get to meet Lisa, the middle child, and then Bart, the eldest, who establishes his character right away by replacing the chorus of "Jingle Bells" with lyrics which have now become hilariously familiar. Skinner is not impressed and pulls him from the line.

It is the first episode, so no criticism, but it's still interesting to note that none of the children, nor indeed any of the adults in the audience other than Homer, Marge and Maggie, are in any way distinguishable or ever seen again; they're generic character drawings and, somewhat like the early episodes of Family Guy, it seem they're seat-fillers, placeholders to make up a crowd scene until Groening and his team has time to work on other, actual characters. Homer betrays his boredom, moaning "How many grades does this school have?"

Back home, Marge is writing her Christmas cards while the kids finalise their letters to Santa. Marge's letter-writing is a clever device, so early in the series, in which the writers get to inform us about other things happening without having to play them out. These include the fact that the Simpsons' cat, Snowball, was run over and has been replaced by Snowball II, Homer's father, Abe or Abraham Simpson (though just referred here to as Grampa) is introduced and Lisa is seen to be a straight-A student while Bart, we hear, is, well, not. Homer's short fuse temper is demonstrated as he growls at Marge to hurry up and finish her letter, and then demands to know where the extension cord for the Christmas lights is, but he's slapped down, verbally, as we see, and will, as the series winds on, that Marge is more than a match for him and takes no nonsense from him.

Lisa's interest in ponies is explored, as her list contains nothing but "a pony" several times, while Marge tries to explain, not that they can't afford it (as Lisa, being only eight years old, still believes in Santa, or claims to) while Bart wants a tattoo. Marge and Homer's views on this differ somewhat. While his mother tells him that under no circumstances may he get a tattoo (Bart is not as naive as his sister and knows their presents come from the parents - "There's only one big fat guy in this house who brings us presents and his name ain't Santa") Homer declares that if Bart wants one he can pay for it himself.

The phone rings and we hear, but do not yet see, Marge's sisters, Patti and Selma, who obviously don't care for Homer, and the feeling is mutual. Another person Homer will have problems with is introduced, as we meet his neighbour, Ned Flanders, a real god-botherer who can't understand people who aren't Christians. Homer's poor efforts at decorating the outside of their house are put to shame by Flanders' extravagant display and Homer hates him for it, feeling he has been humiliated in front of his children. Marge later produces "the big jar", their savings put away over the year for presents and other Christmas sundries and the next day they're off shopping. Bart, defying his  parents' wishes, and thinking Marge will appreciate the fact that it says "mother", goes and gets a tattoo.

And now we come to one of the greatest, not only Simpsons characters but surely in all of animation - he's fond of a smoke, likes a good joke - why he's worth ten times what he earns! You know his name: (and he is NOT pleased to meet you) it's Mr. Burns! Oh yes. Charles Montgomery "Monty" Burns, feared and ancient owner of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, where Homer works, a Scrooge figure if ever there was one, advises his staff there will be no Christmas bonus this year. Homer thanks heaven for the big jar! Marge catches Bart before the tattoo is finished and drags him out of the parlour, furious. She tells Homer the Christmas money will now have to go on the procedure to remove the tattoo, so Bart has ruined Christmas for the family. Won't be the last time.

Marge thinks things will be all right. The big jar may be empty, but there's still Homer's bonus to come. Homer has not told her the bad news yet, and now he feels he can't, as it will be him that is ruining the holiday season for his family. Not that it's his fault, be he sees himself as the breadwinner and so takes on the responsibility. As he mopes outside, Flanders' Santa's low "HO HO HO" seems to mock him. In bed that night, Homer tries to break the news but looking in Marge's trusting eyes he feels he can't, and instead hits on a rather ridiculous plan: to do the Christmas shopping himself, getting the cheapest possible presents for everyone so that the meagre funds he has can stretch further. Colliding with Flanders and his kid his cheapskate choices are revealed, which does not help matters.

Now we move to the scene of a place which will become Homer's second home, Moe's bar, where Moe asks Homer why he's so down. When he explains, his best friend Barney Gumble, an inveterate drunk, comes in dressed as Santa. He's been working as a department store Santa Claus and Homer wonders if he might do the same to earn some extra cash. So he enrols in the training programme and starts his job, though according to his boss he'll get  "not a dime till Christmas Eve" so has to wait to be paid. Inevitably, he runs into Bart, to whom he has to tell the truth about his bonus. Bart laughs at the idea of his father working as a mall Santa, but then takes it a little more seriously. Oh yeah, we also meet, unfortunately, the annoying Millhouse Van Houten, Bart's best friend. I hate that guy. Nobody likes Miihouse.

Now we get to meet the illustrious sisters in person, as Patti and Selma, twins, visit Marge and complain that there is no Christmas tree in the Simpson house. So Homer decides to go and get one. He can't afford one though, so goes into the woods to cut one down, leading to the question as to why the Simpsons' Christmas tree has a birdhouse in it?

Payday arrives, also known as Christmas Eve, but after many deductions Homer is left with a mere thirteen dollars in his paycheque. Barney tells him he has a sure thing in the Springfield Downs dog races and he should bet on the dog. Homer goes but at the last minute changes his bet when he hears the name of one of the dogs is "Santa's Little Helper", and thinks it's a sign. Of course the dog Barney recommended wins and Santa's Little Helper not only loses, but it kicked out by its owner. Homer and Bart take him home, and he becomes the family dog, allowing Homer to give his family, against all odds, the best Christmas present they have ever had.

Notes

As an introductory episode this really gives you a lot of information. Not only are we presented with the Simpsons family and a few peripheral characters, but we're also apprised of how each of them react. Homer, who will turn out to be even more popular than Bart and who will represent the whole Simpsons franchise, is fat and lazy, somewhat ignorant, tries to be the man of the house but really is just a big softy; the house is run by Marge, and, to some smaller extent, Lisa. Homer is not very bright but his heart is in the right place, and his perceived lower position on the employment (and some would also say, evolutionary) scale is a constant annoyance to him, especially when compared to his saintly neighbour. Marge is the archetypal long-suffering wife, trying to hold it all together both financially and emotionally, stronger than she looks, the glue which keeps the family together. Lisa takes after her mother - strong, independent, smart, opinionated - while Bart is his father's son in every way. Maggie, at this stage, is entirely one-dimensional, but we will grow to know and love her.

The other characters, though given little screen time, are still well fleshed out. We see the beginnings of the battle to be waged for thirty years between Principal Skinner and Bart, the disdain in which Homer's sisters hold her husband (and he them) and the somewhat doddery demeanour of Grampa Simpson. Finally, though his toady has but one line in this episode, we bear witness to the birth, series-speaking, of the shadow that constantly falls across Springfield, and especially Homer's world, and which will, paradoxically perhaps, endear Monty Burns to us all. Truly it will be said: an episode with Burns in it is guaranteed to be a good one.

There's a perhaps refreshing lack of preaching in this, a Christmas episode. I don't think any mention is made of God, any god, other than one reference Bart makes to miracles, and even Santa is not in it, other than as a department store employee. Even Flanders holds back what will become his gushing about the Almighty, which possibly underscores the idea that this is a pilot episode, and the writers weren't ready to sacrifice, or even stalk any sacred cows just yet. Later, of course, there would be a massacre, as everything and anything became fair game as the show's popularity grew, then exploded. As we all know, when you're a hit you can say almost anything you like, and when your show is a satire or comedy, you can really get in the sort of digs you can't in drama or other types of writing.

One thing that is very skilfully handled here is the old-head-on-young-shoulders attitude Lisa exhibits to adults, talking to them (one might even say talking down to them) in their own language. Example: when Patti talks badly about Homer, Lisa makes this plea:
"I wish you wouldn't. Because, aside from the fact that he has the same frailties as all human beings, he's the only father I have. Therefore he is my model of manhood, and my estimation of him will govern the prospects of my adult relationships. So I hope you bear in mind that any knock at him is a knock at me, and I am far too young to defend myself against such onslaughts." Patti's response? "Go watch your cartoon show, dear."

One other interesting point: though he will become Homer's best friend in time, an almost literal Barney to Homer's Fred Flintstone (which can't be a coincidence; his surname is almost the same: Gumble) Barney at this time comes across as at best a casual acquaintance, calling Homer "Simpson" as if he barely knows him.

[Trollheart]

Okay, this next is an old favourite. What? It was a favourite of mine, and I'm old. What's hard to understand about that?

I did the "25 Worst films" twice over two years, so in effect there are fifty or more, and since I wrote this, that number has surely increased. Therefore I've blotted out the 25 in the logo and now there's no number, no limit on how much Christmas holiday crap can be seen on TV screens (or, you damn kids, tablets, phones or smart god-knows-whats) so the feature is now going under the rather wider umbrella title of

I should point out that these are not movies I've watched, therefore I'm getting them mostly from "worst Christmas films" lists and being guided totally by public opinion. I am, however, using various sources such as Rotten Tomatoes, and checking out what both critics and audiences said about them. If they're available on YouTube I'll load them up here, though the chances are most will not be, luckily for you. Probably.

These are in no order. So let's kick off with this one.

The Night Before (2015)

The Night Before what, you ask? Why, Christmas, dummy, of course. I could probably just write "a Seth Rogen movie" and you'd know whether or not to chance it, but I'm not quite that lazy. Seems to me to be something of a Hangover type thing (not that I've seen the movie), or just insert your favourite stoner/screwball comedy movie here. The tale of three friends in search of a Nutcracker. Um, party that is. With drunk Santas, plenty of vomit, a Christmas-hating thief who steals one of the character's hash not once but twice (seriously: how can you be so stupid or careless to get not only robbed twice but by the same person?) and a high-school teacher who turns out to be an angel, and indeed a son of Santa, how can you go, er, right?

Oh yeah, throw in a proposal that isn't, a pregnancy that isn't, a "hilarious" mixing up of phones, hallucinations that reveal the true meaning of friendship and steroids, and a sappy happy ending and you probably have enough reasons to avoid this movie like the plague. Or, if that is your thing, to seek it out and watch it.

Harsh, you say, from someone who admits he has never even seen the movie? True, true. Fair point. Let's hear from some who did.

In the Sydney Morning Herald, Jake Wilson writes: "In The Night Before, which Levine directed and co-wrote, sweetness and crudity mingle from the outset."

Kate Muir, in the Times, is more succinct, and perhaps cutting. She calls the movie "Intermittently funny". Hmm. Not a savaging, but hardly a ringing endorsement either. Don't you just love those polite English?

We Irish? Well, maybe slightly less so, at least in the words of The Evening Herald's Chris Wasser: "This is the kind of movie where no amount of alcohol or class A narcotics can break our protagonists down. They just keep on rockin' hard - sometimes, with Miley Cyrus. It's kinda hilarious."

Americans had other ideas, such as this from Chris McCoy of The Memphis Flyer (sounds like a good name for a steam train, don't it?): "Sometimes, you just need a big, dumb comedy."

Well maybe, but it's not for me. Some other English critics concur. Helen O'Hara, writing in the Daily Telegraph, noted "The script was semi-improvised, which often shows in the film's loose, mildly chaotic tone, but it also allows the three charismatic stars to riff easily together."

While the Guardian's Peter Bradshaw concluded "It's a conceited semi-stoner adventure set on Christmas Eve, with mawkish top notes of male self-pity."

Perhaps the last word should be left to David Jenkins of Little White Lies: "Ho-ho-hell-no."

Indeed. Now, I'm not going to pretend that there weren't positive, or at least kinder reviews by other critics, but I'm not going to post them, as that would show up my entirely biased agenda here, already set out in the introduction. I'm also not saying the reviews (or extracts from same) above are particularly damning, but they're the best, or worst, I could get. I'm not even saying I know this movie is bad - nor any of the others - but it's getting a definite judge-the-book-by-its-cover treatment by me. Hey, it's Christmas! Let me enjoy myself, huh?

Finally, let's see what the people who matter (titter) the paying public had to say about the movie.

We won't attribute these quotes because who cares who these guys are, right? fucking nobodies.

(Note: I'm pasting these in EXACTLY as they are, no corrections. If these fuckers can't be bothered to spell or use punctuation or grammar properly, I'll be diddly-doodly-darned if I'll do it for them. So blame them, not me.)

"As far as stoner movies goes this one is a bad trip. Lots of flat scenes and awkward moments. There a few belly laughs, but the temptation to reach for the remote and FF begins about ten minutes in. Too bad, all of the leads and supporting cast are talented and likable."

"Not terrible. It had some laughs. Better than I thought it would be."

Wow. High praise indeed. Someone wrote about a page about it but a) I'll be fucked if I'm quoting that much and b) they liked it, which does not at all fit in with my fascist notions here, so I cry "fake news!" and move on.

Before I do, here's a trailer, for those interested.

Oh, also, I want to note the RT score here for each movie, but though it came up the first time, for some odd reason this one won't now, so I have to leave it as it is. Hopefully the others will all give me ratings I can share with you.

[Trollheart]

Krampus (2015)

Look, if anyone did scary and often homicidal Christmas toys, it was The Nightmare Before Christmas, and nothing is ever going to top that. Krampus is a German legendary figure who punishes those who lose their Christmas spirit and when a family argue and bicker and the kid rips up his letter to Santa, it's the signal for Krampus to go in and teach them, um, not quite sure what.

Killer jack-in-the-boxes, manic gingerbread men (complete with hook for some reason) and evil elves are the order of the day. Not that anyone can be blamed for their name, but when you have the likes of Queenie, Sage, Maverick and Emjay (apparently he's some well-known child actor; personally I've never heard of him) you kind of know what you're in for. In case you're intending to watch it I won't give away the ending, as read in the Wiki article, but it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. Probably about as much as watching this, I guess.

Seems as if there was not just one, but, um, four sequels made to this movie, so I guess it must have done okay. Also, if you're looking for it, it doesn't help that there are three other movies called Krampus...

Ratings on Rotten Tomatoes:

Tomatometer: 66%
Audience Score: 51%

Rating on IMDB

6.2/10

Rating on Metacritic

49
 
And the critics say:

Time Magazine's Stephanie Zackarek thought Some clever soul might have done something moderately effective with this idea, but Krampus is too dumb to be scary and too listless to be entertaining

While AV Club's A.A. Dowd mused Otherwise, this holiday-season fright flick never leaps far enough outside of its own box; the movie flirts with going full-on monster mash, with really cutting loose, but the mayhem is too little, too late.

Nick Schager of Indiewire lamented that Unfortunately, the narrow scope of his story - which is primarily set inside the characters' abode - makes the film feel akin to a Christmas-themed home invasion thriller minus the surprises

Damond Fudge of KCCI in Des Moines (which I assume is a radio station) agreed: he probably has enough problems having a surname like Fudge and dealing with that at Christmas! Bet he's thin as a rack and unsmiling as Scrooge. And who calls their child Damond?  Krampus is a horror-comedy that doesn't go far enough into either of its two genres ... there's too much wasted potential to make this a true holiday horror classic.

Though Jeffrey M Anderson of Common Sense Media was a little kinder:
The movie sometimes gets lost in all its monster fights, but then the ominous, somewhat ambiguous ending ties everything together. Krampus may be too much for sensitive viewers, but lovers of alternative holiday viewing will rejoice

How about those poor sods who actually paid (I assume) to see it? Well, I doubt anyone was walking in backwards pretending to be going out in order to see it again for free (oh yes you did, don't lie; we all did) but they don't seem to have been setting fire to the ticket booth demanding their money back either. Here's a selection of their impressions, again unattributed, because in the final analysis, nobody cares who these guys are. And no, I did not make them up. I writes a lot gooder than wot dey does.

The film is trying to be a new Gremlins, using the festive season for some horror and the set up works rather nicely with the arrival of the unloved extended family. The tone is then somewhat undecided, too silly for grown-ups and too creepy for kids, especially when it comes to Krampus' multilpe helper creatures. That's borderline annoying a few times and would have worked much better with the emphasis on the main antagonist. But even he gets silly once we see underneath his hood often enough. At least the final twist is surprisingly evil.

Didn't love or hate this. It was an okay Christmas horror. Dragged out a little long, though it wasn't. (Odd one that: I didn't cut it off, that's how it ends. It wasn't what? We'll never know, but I won't be losing any sleep wondering).

A fun, silly bit of holiday horror. This film could have gone much further in several directions: campier, scarrier, darker. There are not many thrills under the tree, but it has some delightful henchmen lurking among the boughs and holly. The film's score is notably clever but not enough that you'll be likely add the soundtrack CD to your Christmas list

[Trollheart]

Okay then, this will be fun...


Ernest Saves Christmas (1988)

But not his dignity, I imagine. Look, I know a lot of you 'Muricans are gonna roll your eyes and shout "You just don't get it!" And I don't. I mean, I know this Ernest guy is a cultural hero and beloved character to you, but to me he's, well, nobody. He doesn't get a pass for being Ernest, not in the same was as, oh I don't know, maybe Mister Bean might were he to make a Christmas movie. And it sucked. I just don't have the cultural lens through which to view this, and so it gets another savaging.

Another in the long line of movies starring Jim Varney as hapless loser Ernest P. Worrell, famous in America, perhaps not so famous (or cared for) here. As Santa reaches the end of his tenure (apparently his powers weaken over time) and comes to Orlando to hand over his magic sack, he leaves it behind in Ernest's cab. And so begins a frantic chase across the city to allow Ernest to reunite Santa with his sack so he can pass on his powers before time - and audience endurance - runs out. You've got a teenage runaway called, um, Harmony Starr (seriously), Santa punching out a film director, and flying reindeer walking on the roof of a warehouse while Animal Control try to get them down. Oh dear.

Ratings on Rotten Tomatoes

Tomatometer: 36%
Audience Score: 42%

Rating on IMDB

5.7/10

Rating on Metacritic:

44



You know, oddly enough, for a film with such a low score on Rotten Tomatoes (36%), every critic review I can find either praises or allows the film some latitude, whereas the previous two, both with scores well into the sixties, have mostly caustic, disdainful reviews. Some of the audience ones are quite long, so I've taken excerpts in those cases. Like this one:

While this is a harmless movie in and of itself, I can't really imagine that many kids will actually enjoy this. It's weird, this film clearly isn't geared towards an adult audience, but it's not exactly geared towards kids either. It's stuck in limbo, because while it is a harmless family movie, that doesn't necessarily make it a good one either. This is kind of a disaster in a lot of levels. You can't expect high-brow humor with this kind of character, but there's no reason it couldn't have been, at least, a reasonably entertaining film. It fails at getting you in a Christmas-y mood, if that's what you're looking for, and that's really the ultimate sin for one of these types of films. I don't wanna say it fails at everything, but it's a bad film on many levels

Even then, you have the likes of this:

I liked this better then Ernest goes to camp, the jokes are better and the story is for the whole family. Ernest is really funny and not as obnoxious as the first film, which is for the best. Not going to win oscars but definitely one you'll remember fondly.

So I don't understand the low ratings, but in general most seem to be able to forgive the movie because it's an Ernest one. Guess it's an American thing.

[Trollheart]

And speaking of American comedy Christmas cultural icons...


A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas (2011)

Ah, you Americans do love your Harold and Kumar, don't you? How dare I say a word against them! Well, just like your other icons Ernest and Pee-Wee Herman, these two stoners are not as well known or liked on this side of the water, though I guess they have something of a following. So in conclusion, suck it. 

I always worry about movies that use the dreaded 3D tag. So often, it's a method of papering over some very large cracks in the film, where things like plot, characterisation, dialogue and message get ridden roughshod over in favour of the ooh-ahh three-dimensional effects. Just check out Jaws 3D to see what I mean, and if you couldn't be bothered, watch for a review here next year in my Shark Tales feature. Then again you have the likes of Avatar, which apparently is a great movie. Or is it? You talk to anyone who's see it (I have not) and they'll burble on endlessly about how great the three-dee was, but is the movie itself sacrificed to the visuals, which are unanimously reported as gorgeous and awe-inspiring. That's fine, but like they say here, fur coat and no knickers, or to put it another way, a pig with lipstick on is still, you know.

So what's so 3D about this, the third (oh yeah) instalment in the stoner duo's adventures? You know, I have no clue. I suppose certain scenes may have been enhanced, but I can't really see the need for this to have been in 3D. But what do I know? More than you mate. Nah really; stoner comedies don't do it for me and I have never seen a single Harold and Kumar movie, nor do I wish to. This one apparently has a priceless Christmas tree belonging to Harold's father-in-law burned down when a giant joint is tossed out the window (oh the hilarity!), Santa getting shot in the head and the Russian mob thrown into the mix, because why not?

Again, I guess you're either a fan of these guys or you're not, and the idea of one of their ex-pals coming back from heaven because Jesus kicked him out, and now able to read minds, well, see the opening line again I suppose. You have to give props, one would expect, to a man who has a good job working for Obama in the White House and leaves that job to make this movie. Luckily when the movie was over and Kai Penn asked the President if the White House could take him back he was told (say it with me) "Yes we can!"

Rotten Tomatoes ratings:

Tomatometer: 63%
Audience Score: 58%

IMDB Rating

6.2/10

Metacritic Rating:

44

Again, the critics, who are probably H&K fans or at least familiar with the other movies, are largely appreciative of the movie, so they get no airtime here, while the worst the audience could come up with was this rather weak lambasting:

The first H & K was the best. With each sequel they make, it just goes downhill.

In the spirit of the season, may Harold and Kumar be with you, and may you be high and drunk this festive holiday. Amen.

[Trollheart]

Note: Some of these, um, well, what can we call them? Reviews? Not really. Critiques? As if! All right then: some of these sneers at Christmas movies come from back in 2013, a decade old, before, it seems, I had the idea of using quotes, comments by critics and ratings, so this one has none of those. Just deal with it. Some of them will be in this format, and I've enough work to do already without sourcing the extra data needed.

Santa with Muscles (1996)

This one's so bad they don't even have a picture of it on IMDB! Yeah, but it can't hide from me! I tracked it down, interestingly under the legend "This is a real movie!" Hard to believe, but yes it is. Starring that old Christmas favourite, er, Hulk Hogan, you just know this is going to be as bad as it sounds. They couldn't even be bothered to try to come up with a snappier title. I mean, Santa with Muscles? Doesn't even scan. They could have called it Big Bad Santa, or Santamania or - god help me - Under the Muscle-toe? Even Hulk Hogan is Santa --- crap yes but at least they're better than what they decided to plump for. Maybe the will to live was already deserting them. I know how they feel. So does IMDB...

An evil millionaire (Hulk Hogan) gets amnesia and then believes that he is Santa Claus.

Of course he does. Let's see, did the hulkish one manage to pressure, embarrass or trick anyone famous into appearing in this particular piece of celluloid genius? No,not really. Though Ed Begley Jr pops up in it, and Family Guy's Meg, Mila Kunis, decides she wants a little more limelight and accepts a role. Wrong movie to choose to make your play for stardom, honey! You'll garner more fans as Meg! Again though there's an interesting character in the cast, which fits in perfectly with the idea of this movie and Hulk Hogan starring in it: "Cop with bazooka". Pity he didn't use it to blow this awful turd of a film to kingdom come!

Oh dear lord save us! Someone uploaded the whole movie to YouTube! Well, I wouldn't do that to you. Here's a trailer instead.

[Trollheart]

Isn't it always the same at Christmas? You've just settled down to watch a TV special on faulty bikinis when the doorbell rings!

Sigh! Who is it?

What ---- umppffff!



Ah, excellent! Ah-hoy-hoy there, dead readers --- oh dear, did I make a typo? DID I? Please all remain where you are, there is no escape.

It's about time you people had a real view on Christmas. This chair-moistener, er --- Smithers! (Trollheart, Sir) --- Ah yes, Trollheart --- has been spreading far too much Christmas cheer across his blasted journals, and I aim to stop it. Now you will learn the true meaning of Christmas, as I peruse the local televisual periodical for his wretched island home --- Ireland? What sort of a name for a country is that? --- and show you just how depressingly little there is on the electronic picture box this yuletide season. Yes, it's true! That's it, step forth - don't worry about the trapdoor. it's been deact - oh dear. SMITHERS! Damn and blast it, man! I thought I told you to... Smithers? Where the blazes is he? And what's that awful caterwauling I hear outside my window? Christmas carollers you say? Well, let's see how they like it when I run them over in my Bentley! Oh yes! They won't appreciate that particular car-roll! Oh ho ho ho! I really do amaze myself; sometimes I doubt they ever got all the humour out of me that time (though they said the operation had been a complete success! Bah! Where is my team of overpaid lawyers! What do you mean, off for Christmas?) Ah yes, that reminds me. As I was saying, step forth and experience what a proper festive period should be like. See how it is when it's

Come with me now as we throw aside all this ridiculous joy and peace, and discover jsut exactly how tedious, repetitive and boring the Christmas televisual fare is, this year and every year. Time to spend

So, what have we first? Let's look, shall we, at the "run-up to Christmas" as they so charmingly call it. Since this dweeb lives in that backward island I can only take note of the drivel that will be clogging up his cheap flatscreen, taking valuable time away from playing Business Tycoon IV on Xbox, a pastime everyone should be involved in. Especially Deathmatch. Oh yes! The corporate world is a cut-throat business, you know! MWA-HA-HA-HAAAA!

Do excuse me, I get a little overwrought when I take on my "gamer persona", as it were. Just don't run foul of me near Wall Street, I warn you: my musket is rapid-fire: it can launch TWO projectiles within four minutes! Yes, I thought you'd be impressed. Just don't push me, that's all. Anyway, to the TV rag. They call it the RTE Guide? What in blue blazes is that? RTE? Really Terrible Entertainment, must be. (Trollheart: It stands for Radio Teliefis Eireann, which is Irish for Radio and television of Ireland) --- What?  How did you get back in? Where are my hired goons? Goons! Bah! Never mind: this button, properly pressed, will release the hounds, so I suggest you begin running...

Ah there he goes! Always amusing how they think they, with only two legs, can evade a four-legged - well, there you have it. I suppose I'll have to have that painted over. Again. Oh well. Where was I? Oh yes. To the periodical!

As I don't intend to spend my youth (what? How dare you! I don't look a day over ninety!) pandering to the likes of you, I won't be doing this every day up to Christmas. Ah, employees don't just fire themselves, you know, and someone has to make up those little packets that make it look like they're getting a fat bonus when in fact there's - but I digress. Again. Let's try - this page!

Saturday December 21st eh? Well it's the first page of the damn thing, and that makes it four days before Christmas Day, so why not? Let's see then what sort of balderdash they're throwing your way for you to lap up like the hungry animals you are - ah, sorry! Just talking to the hounds there you know (not bloody likely!) - they get so lonely, in between chasing trespassers and ripping them to - ah! Here we are!

(Note: listings are NOT correct at time of going to press. Although, given how lazy TV schedulers are at this time of year, they could be. This was originally written for Christmas 2013)

Coal, Frankenstein and Mirror: an Irish Nativity - RTE One - 11:45

Sounds jolly! Oh look how clever they were with the title. It's supposed to be gold, frankincense and myrrh and they ... yes I think we get the idea. What's it about then? Damned if I know, but if you want to catch it you had better not be a slugabed: they're showing it at 11:45. In the morning! Who's up that early? It's practically midnight! Bah! What else?

The Sting - RTE One - 15:30

Yes, jolly seventies caper starring that Newman chap and his friend Redford. Nominated for many Oscars. Probably. I don't know! Go look it up if you're so interested! I've better things to do!

Disney's A Christmas Carol - RTE One - 18:30

Ah yes, the so-called "Big big movie"! One of no doubt a score or more of showings of Dickens' classic, this time with little cartoon figures running around trying to learn the meaning of Christmas. Bah! Humbug! Totally biased against the poor old miser, just trying to protect his money from all the greedy Christmas carollers and annoying well-wishers this time of year. Always hated that movie! Hmm. This one stars that delightfully funny chap from "The Mask" - Carrey is it? Drew Carrey? Something like that anyway. I'm sure you don't care, I know I don't! Next!


Could we survive a mega-tsunami? - RTE Two - 19:20

Not if I was in charge, we couldn't! Well, you couldn't: I'd be already long gone in the rocket ship Smithers is overseeing the final touches to in the --- ah, not that there is any rocket. Smithers? Who is Smithers? How very festive; just shows you how much thought these ale-swilling orang-utans in (possibly) suits put into their programming! The blurb runs thusly: "Hollywood-style graphics and real-life archives bring home an imagined near-future scenario, all based on cutting edge science." Hah! Sounds delightful: all those little people running for their lives while Mother Nature swamps and crushes them and destroys their homes! Now that's the kind of Christmas I want to see! I'll be "Sky-plussing" that. Whatever the devil that means. Smithers knows all about these technical doodads. Why do you think I keep him around? Anyhoo, this is on at the same time as the movie, so you'll have to choose, or record one and watch the other. Or record both. Or watch neither. Do what the hell you like, I don't care! I know which I'll be watching though!

A Man For All Seasons - TG4 - 1:00

Don't even ask what TG4 stands for. All you need to know is that ninety percent of the programmes are in ... Irish! Oh stop it! My sides! They really will split. Again. That was most unpleasant for all concerned. But wait just a moment! Isn't this just a cheap rip-off of my movie, A Burns For All Seasons? How dare they! Smithers! Phone the studio immediately! What? Made in 1966 you say? I see. Have work commence on the time machine: we'll see who has the last laugh here!

The Bible - TV3 - 21:00

Ah yes, well where would Christmas be without old Jesus himself?They always have to ruin the festive season by bringing that chap in. I really don't understand why people think he's so importnat. Oh well, always a good time to trot out the old - wait a moment though! This is new! Well, to these ignorant Irishmen anyway. A mini-series, made this year no less , being shown over several nights. Sounds interesting. Must tell the Prince of Darkness about this one - now what's his hashtag again? #SatanRocks. Hmm. How unfortunate. Still listens to Showaddywaddy, you know. Still, he'll be interested to see how he looks onscreen. Especially that desert scene. I believe it was most uncomfortable out there, waiting for the son of God to get himself out there and then the insults poor Lucifer had to take ... I swear, try to help someone...

Strictly come dancing live finals - BBC One - 18:30 and 20:40

If you enjoy the sight of nubile young ladies showing more than a little ankle as they get whirled around by nubile young men (Smithers! Stop that! Behave yourself man!) then you're going to have to be careful, as Aunty Beeb has rather carelessly sandwiched the two finals in the nation's favourite dancing competition between the godawful "Atlantis", so you may end up seeing it inadvertently! Mwa-hahahha! And I know how bad it is! Best to set the videoplus, Smithers says. Great Caesar's ghost! I can see that young lady's underthings when her partner swings her around! Smithers! How do you work this recordathon again? Oh nothing, really, just asking... no! No! Don't delete! Damn and blast it!

The many faces of Ronnie Barker - BBC Two - 22:00

Bah! The Two Ronnies were bad enough, the One Ronnie is worse. Now we have to suffer through a tribute to the one who has shuffled off this mortal coil? Humbug! Humbug I say! One face is too many! Why are these things always on at Christm - oh, quite. That's what I'm trying to show you happens. Well, this just proves my point, doesn't it?

The unforgettable Frankie Howerd - UTV - 1:00

I forget who he was. Heh heh. No, really, I do. When you get to my age...

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - UTV - 18:30

Bah! One Harry Potter movie is much the same as another. Snivelling little do-gooder going around bothering my friend Voldermort! What did he ever do to Potter? Little interfering brat! He wouldn't be so smart without his magic!

Come dine with me - Channel 4 - from 16:30 to 18:35

Really? Almost a whole day of watching people stuff themselves with food, and complimenting each other on how well they cook? Dear lord, I hope none of these people ever show up on my doorstep. Come dine with my hounds, more like! They like human flesh! Don't you? Don't you? Yes you do...

And just to complete the reasons to avoid Channel 4 on this day (or any day really)

Deck the Halls - Channel 4 - 19:15

I believe Trollheart has this marked for his "Worst films" section, and for once I agree with him. Avoid at all costs.


Four Christmasses - Channel 4 - 21:00

And this one. Two words, my friends: Vince Vaughn.

And that is just an example of the stellar programming the various channels - or "stations", as the backwards locals often call them over here --- are working on to make your Christmas one to remember. Or forget. Heavens only knows what they plan for the big day itself! Take my advice: throw you television out the window now, avoid all that - what? No, I don't believe the truck idling outside your window is mine... my logo you say? Burns Second-Hand Televisions and DVD Players? Well, that is interesting. Driver looking up at your window, holding a cellphone as if waiting for instructions? Excuse me just a moment: I have to take this call. Back soon with more reasons not to bother with the idiot box this Christmas.

Toodles!

[Trollheart]

Well, old Burnsy may sneer at and ridicule Christmas, and want to ruin it for everyone, but we all know who is really the Grinch in every Christmas pudding, don't we? Let's talk about a real miser.

If someone were to ask you, what is the movie that epitomises Christmas for you, what would your answer be? It's a Wonderful Life? Oliver? Die Hard? Seriously? Well, they're all decent movies but to me, and I suspect a whole lot of other people, when I think of Christmas the film that springs to mind is Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol. Call it by the name of its principle character if you want, but nothing for me surpasses the elegance of this story. Mixing pathos, redemption, fantasy, cautionary tale, a little horror and good old human kindness and the triumph of the human spirit, this timeless classic shows us that even the most mean-spirited and miserable among us can come to learn the true meaning of Christmas. Granted, most of us would not need to be visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve for that to happen, but though it may have become something of a cliche in these cynical days of the boom-and-bust, grab-all-you-can-while-you-can mindset, you would have to be very hard-hearted indeed not to be moved by the classic tale of a man who turns from a hateful old miser into one of the nicest men in the world.

And of course, like many successful stories, it's been played out again and again, in various forms and formats, from early silent movies to musicals and puppetry, animation and, no doubt, in many languages across the world. One thing that is pretty universal --- I suspect even in countries that profess not to espouse Christianity or celebrate Christmas - is the desire for a happy ending and the joy of seeing a bad man turn good. But which is the best version of this classic? When I look at the Wiki entry I can see over twenty movies, stretching from the turn of the century right up to 2009. although for some reason which escapes me they've failed to include Bill Murray's Scrooged, something I will be rectifying as we introduce

If we discount the silent movies - we may not; it depends on whether or not I can find them - we're left with about twenty-odd different versions of the story committed to the big screen. My intention is to try to watch all of them, or as many as I can, and make a determination as to which one is the outstanding adaptation. You would think, with cinematic techniques having taken a giant leap forward in the last ten or twenty years, that more recent ones would take the prize (and maybe one will) but often it's not just about effects, CGI and major stars: in a case like this, the way the story is handled is also crucial to whether or not the film has a chance of beating its rivals. There are also "updates" and movies based on the framework - Ms. Scrooge comes to mind - and I may try to include them, but hey: there's not much time left, and while I probably won't get the actual results before Christmas, I don't want this to be like the turkey: pigging out so much that I start to go glassy-eyed and feel a little queasy. So I won't say when the result will be published, but it will obviously have to be before New Year's Day.

Various factors will be taken into consideration and movies balanced and rated against each other under these criteria. Obviously, some may not apply: should I manage to find the silent ones, for instance, a category like "soundtrack" will be meaningless, as will be "effects", mostly. But insofar as I can, I will try to make sure each movie gets the same treatment as the next. Quite obviously, I won't be reviewing them (who doesn't know the story after all, and even with tweaks and twists, it's always still the basic idea of the miser who learns to love Christmas and his fellow man) but will publish the face-offs as I do them, perhaps two or three at a time, and eliminating one or two until I have whittled it down to a final four, six or whatever, which will then be pitted against each other.

Anyone who wants to throw in their comments, suggestions or views is welcome. Let's see which of the many movies made since Dickens first put pen to paper comes out on top.

I'll be doing them, of course, in chronological order, assuming I can find all the ones that have been made. Hopefully we'll see a steady progression from jerky, black-and-white and possibly silent figures pointing at poorly-made effects meant to represent ghosts, to the latest CGI marvels and also seeing different twists on the timeless tale.

Bah! Humbug! Oh very well then: throw another coal onto the fire if you must - think I'm made of money do ye? - and let's get this party started!

A brief note on my scoring system (brief. Yeah. In this faceoff I'm not too concerned with things like box-office returns, budgets or what year each came out. I will be taking into account the acting ability of the cast, but will also be looking at how the character is written, within the confines of the fact that they can't step too far out of the original Dickens model, or they'll certainly lose points. Bill Murray, I'm looking at you! I'll be grading the main characters and also any other supporting ones who impress me, how well the film sticks to the novel, and also how it made me feel in terms of horror, raw emotion and what I'm calling the Puke Level. I don't need to explain that, do I? Areas or scenes of the movie where you just want to chuck. Cratchits, step forward!

If something is original I will award it points, but if it's copied in a later version it may lose points. The ghosts, from the third movie on, will be graded separately and their scores added, as some of the movies only concentrate really on one of them. Any other criteria will be noted and added, with bonus points given for things like innovative twists that work (Kermit) or future stars who play bit parts. There'll be a short (and I mean short. No, I really do this time!) comments section before the score just to give you a basic idea of what I thought of the movie, any interesting, humourous or low points I picked out of it, and how, if at all, it compares to the previous versions I've watched up to that point.

Year: 1910
Medium: Black-and-white
Starring: Marc McDermott, Charls S. Ogle
Directed by: J. Searle Dawley
Length: 20 mins

Brief comments: For an early (the earliest) silent version of the tale, this is a lot better than you would expect. To be able to compress the main storyline (minus Tiny Tim) into such a short space of time is really quite impressive, and the music used really complements the movie (carols and hymns: "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" etc) and is the perfect backdrop. I'm also impressed that there are few of those "cards" used - you know the ones: when the characters speak or when a scene is not obvious and they had to explain, like "Mister Beadle goes into the tea shop". They only use three or four, and only to explain the basics of the story. There is in fact no speech (I know it's a silent movie: I mean no speech on cards) and the acting talent needed to convey the various emotions Scrooge goes through over the course of the twenty minutes, especially his epiphany, is nothing short of inspired. A really good start and something of a revelation.

CHARACTERS
Scrooge: Marc McDermott is perfect in the part. Score of 10, due to the fact that he has to act everything without speaking, and does so very well indeed.
Marley: n/a
Cratchit: A decent performance from Charles S. Ogle, but Scrooge steals the show. Rated at 6.
Tiny Tim: n/a
Others: n/a
The Ghosts: Poor, as you would expect: mostly faintly-glimpsed shadows and suggestions. Compared to the depictions in later movies, even the next one, I'd give this a very low 2.

Faithful to the novel: Very much so, except for the exclusion of Tiny Tim: 9

Emotion level: For a silent movie, yeah, not bad. There were a few tears in your reviewer's eyes. 6

Puke level: Zero really. Without any overly dramatic dialogue it's easier to just get lost in the story.

Horror level: Kind of zero really too. Nothing about this could horrify anyone.

Soundtrack: Even though a silent film it had a decent and well-chosen backdrop of music, so I'd give it a generous 8.

So then, total is 32
Not a terribly high score, but I must award extra points for a) it being the first Scrooge movie and b) conveying the story so well without words. An extra 10 points for each so that makes a total of 52, a much better and more representative score.

Year: 1935
Medium: Black-and-white
Starring: Seymour Hicks, Donald Halthrop, Robert Cochran, Mary Glynne, Garry Marsh
Directed by: Henry Edwards
Length: 63 mins

Brief comments:For the first version with sound this is pretty damn good. Seymour Hicks is a different sort of Scrooge - small, hunched over, with to me a rather uncanny resemblance to Edmund Callon from The Onedin Line, but that's just me: this is way too early for it to be him and anyway it's a different actor. The setting of the scene is a little unnecessarily long, the ghosts are poor at best but the emotional level is decent. Bob Cratchit is most decidedly gay (!) as is Tiny Tim (but I always hated that little bastard anyway) and the ending seems for some reason quite rushed, with a lot of things said literally - "I'll be a second father to Tiny Tim" etc. Overall though, not bad.

I do like how the butcher's shop is closed when he sends the boy to buy the big turkey: well it would be, wouldn't it? It is after all Christmas Day! A lot of versions gloss over this. There's also an unintentionally (I assume) funny scene where the Lord Mayor is throwing a party and his aide asks him, quite straight-faced: "Would Your Honour like to make his speech now, or would you allow the ladies and gentlemen to continue enjoying themselves?" Zing! New aide, please!

CHARACTERS
Scrooge: Seymour Hicks is good in the role: crotchety, mean, twisted and miserable, and also plays the "new" Scrooge well, capering and dancing and grinning like a schoolboy. Scores a good 8
Marley: n/a; never really seen except as a bad reflection in Scrooge's door knocker.
Cratchit: Played well by Donald Calthrop, but his effeminate manner and his almost unreasonable acceptance of Tiny Tim's death in the future sequence annoys me, so I'm only giving him a 7.
Tiny Tim: Gaaah! How I hate him! Still, he's there and he plays his role well, does Philip Frost. AND we get to see him dead. So ... meh alright ... a grudging 6 for him.
Others: Not really. The gentlemen who look for a donation are okay but nothing more, the kid who gets the turkey, the butcher, all ok and Scrooge's nephew is a pain. So as a group I'll give 'em a 4, as nobody really stands out that well.
The Ghosts: Only one ghost really, he of Christmas Present, and he's annoying and in fact the blueprint for many of the future movies for that ghost. For that reason I'll have to give him a 6. The other two are not really seen at all.

Faithful to the novel: Pretty much, yes, so this gets an 8

Emotion level: Yeah, again I teared up a little. 7

Puke level: Quite high, mostly due to Cratchit and his annoying family. The puke level, if awarded, is a minus figure, so here we get -7

Horror level: I was quite chilled by the trio dividing up Scrooge's belongings; they were evil incarnate, but casual evil, which made it worse. Taking his bedsheets from the corpse's bed? And his shirt? Brrr! A big 10 here for the horror level!

Soundtrack: Kind of copies the silent movie, so though it's okay I'll have to take points away for originality and give it a 5

So what have we got then?
Total = 54
Must award points for being the first sound version, another 10
So a total then of 64

Note: I wanted to do these in chronological order - all I could find anyway - but the next one up is the first Hollywood version, very important, released in 1938. It's proved hard to track down and I've had to buy it, so while I wait for the DVD to arrive I'm going to move on (Christmas post, you know?) and I'll come back to it when I can. For now, the next one up is...

Year: 1951
Medium: Black-and-white
Starring: Alastair Sim, Kathleeen Harrison, Mervyn Johns, George Cole, Patrick Macnee, Hermione Baddeley
Directed by: Brian Desmond Hurst
Length: 86 mins

Brief comments: A decent version, follows the story well but I think gets a little bogged down, both in Scrooge's dealings with his company and a hitherto-unnamed character who was never in the book, and with the Ghost of Christmas Past; his past experiences take up nearly half the movie! Also, at the end for some reason, Tiny bloody Tim is walking! Don't think that was ever explained: even with all Scrooge's money I don't think he could invent a cure for polio, or whatever it was the kid was suffering from that made him lame. Bit overkill maybe?

CHARACTERS
Scrooge: Good portrayal by Sim, but a better one by a young George Cole (Arfur Daley) as the young Ebeneezer. Give him a 7
Marley: Awful. Hammy overacting and much moaning and wailing. To think this man would go on to become super-suave Steed in The Avengers! Visually, just a faded man. A very poor 3
Cratchit: Annoying and crawly as ever; not quite as gay as in the previous film. Give him a 7
Tiny Tim: Very annoying and smug. Irritating to the nth degree. 3
Others: Hattie Jacques shines as Fan, Ebeneezer's sister, and Kathleen Harrison is excellent in an expanded role for his housekeeper. Both get a solid 7 for their role.
The Ghosts: Ghost of Christmas Past: Terrible, just a shadow. 3
                    Ghost of Christmas Present: A rip-off from the previous film. Another 3. Nothing new.
                      Ghost of Christmas to Come: A bony hand/hooded silent figure. Sigh. 3
Ghosts total: 9

Faithful to the novel: Yeah, pretty much so though the addition of Jorkin is annoying and serves no real purpose, plus he's a prick. So lose points for that. Say 6

Emotion level: Teared up a little but not much. 3

Puke level: Extended scenes with the Cratchits and in Scrooge's past earn this a healthy -8

Horror level: None. Zero. Even the "dividing-up" scene here can't compare to the pure dread and chilling horror of the 1938 version.

Soundtrack: Again, nothing special. Your basic hymns and carols. Yawn. Another 5.

Total = 39
Lowest score yet. But add in a plus 5 for each well-known names, or names that would become well-known in Cole, Jacques, MacNee (even if he did ham the role up more than a bacon sandwich!) and Jack Warner, later to be Dixon of Dock Green gives an additional 20
Making the total a much more respectable 59

The way it will work then is that three movies are faced off against each other, and the winner from each trio goes through to the "quarter finals" as it were. Then later, the five/six best are faced off in two groups until finally we have two Scrooge movies who will go head-to-head, the best of the best, to decide which of them I consider to be the top of all the versions of this magical tale.

So in this round the clear winner in the 1935 version with Seymour Hicks, with a grand total of 64. This movie will then go through to face whichever wins the next round, coming up as soon as I've had a chance to watch three more movies!

Winner of Round 1: 1935 (dir. Henry Edwards)

[Trollheart]

It happens every Christmas of course. They trot out every festive episode of every show they can, from Friends (one assumes, never watched it: don't hate myself that much) to Only Fools and Horses. Some are good, some are bad. Here I'll be trying to focus on the good. Some of these are shows I've previously written about and like, some are ones I've never seen, and admittedly, one or two may be shows I would not otherwise watch. But the Christmas shows are worth writing about. In the cases of the latter two, I'll give a brief introduction for those who have not seen these shows. As in this first one...

Focussing on the character of John Becker, a doctor who is so miserable, angry, intolerant and selfish that he makes Mister Burns seem like a real sweetie, Becker starred Cheers mainman Ted Danson who, ably assisted by his long-suffering assistant Margaret, his dizzy receptionist Linda and his blind friend Jake, tries to make it through the next day without murdering someone. Sometimes he succeeds. As a doctor, his bedside manner is not the greatest, but he takes what he does seriously. It's when he's outside his surgery, trying to deal with the real world, that things really take a turn for the worse.

Becker hates Christmas. It's just an excuse for people to spend money, and to encourage you to spend money. People you haven't seen all year turn up on your doorstep, act as if they're happy to see you and you're supposed to be happy to see them. They eat all your food, drink all your booze and then fuck off a day later to return to wherever the hell it is they come from, and good riddance to them. And family ain't the worst of it! Out on the streets there's a sense of wonder in the air, shop Santas stand on every corner, ringing their goddamn bells and bellowing about toys, people you don't even know and care less for accost you and wish you a Happy Christmas. It's cold, it's usually snowing, the sidewalks are slippery and every shop seems to be enticing you into spending your hard-earned cash on people you don't care about.

Yes, a real-life Scrooge indeed. For Becker, the thought of goodwill to all men involves locking himself in his room with enough booze to knock out a small-sized army, and waiting out the hated holiday season, not emerging again until January, after the equally annoying New Year's Eve. So you can imagine he's not exactly best pleased when, on  a reluctant foray into a department store his back suddenly goes, and he is forced to remain in the festively bedecked, holly-covered shop for hours. He must feel like all his Christmases have come at once, which, while it would be normally considered a good thing, is for Becker the equivalent of Hell.

Becker: "Dr. Angry head"

Becker has reached an agreement with Christmas: no expectations, no disappointments. Seems to be working for him. Everyone else around him though seem to be getting affected by his hatred of Christmas. Jake is annoyed he can't go spend the festive season at his grandma's, as he does every year, since she is going to Atlantic City with her friend. ("Between them they have a walker, a wheelchair and an oxygen tank, and they think I'll be the one in the way!") Reggie's Christmas tree falls over, crushing her hand-painted Christmas bauble, with an angel blowing a trumpet which Becker opines is more like Liberace drinking a martini, a precious keepsake from her childhood, and Bob has not got one Christmas card from any of his tenants. To make things worse, Reggie's arch-rival, Sally from the bakery, has collected the most toys for the Christmas Toy Drive seven years in a row, and Reggie now intends to beat her at her own game.

While passing through a store, Becker notices that a Christmas tree in the display happens to contain a decoration just like the one that broke on Reggie. In an uncharacteristic gesture of kindness, he decides to buy it but the store manager will not sell it to him. Frustrated and angry, and determined to get the ball, Becker stands on the display and tries to take the thing off the tree, whereupon his back goes out and he collapses on to the display. Unable to move him, the staff have to leave him there, and every child that comes by presses the button to activate the display, until he thinks he will be hearing the cute little song in his nightmares for months.

Meanwhile, Reggie's plans to beat Sally have come to nothing. Despite going to such lengths as having Bob take toys from the lost-and-found at his building and putting a sign on Jake's back which says I'm blind, please give me toys she is still well behind in the count. Then she hears with delight the news that Sally's bakery has burned down, taking with it all the toys she had assembled for the Toy Drive. "Miracles can happen", she says. "God bless us, every one!"


QUOTES
Jake (on hearing Becker enter, shouting at a woman about her dog): "Merry Christmas? Or should I just go screw myself?"

Margaret (listing the patients): "In two, there's a Santa with a black eye."
Becker: "I don't care who he's with: what's wrong with him?"
Margaret: "Not a black guy! A black eye!"

Becker: "Look Santa, the traditional greeting is "Ho ho ho!" If a pretty girl walks by and you just say "ho" she has every right to deck you!"

Becker (after tripping in the store and activating a cute, animated display complete with chipmunk voices): "I'm in Hell!"

Manager: "You're going to have to get up."
Becker: "I can't get up. I can't move my legs, I can barely move my arms. You're going to have to move me. But do it gently."
Manager: "I'm sorry, but the lawyers tell us we can't help anyone. Train."
Becker: "What the hell are you talking about, train?"
(A small train that is making a circuit around the display hits into his head)
Manager: "As I said, train."

(Becker has now been covered up with foam and plastic to make it, as he snarls at the manager, look as if he is a part of the display. All that is visible is his head)

Kid: "Momma I don't like that toy! It's mean Mr. Angry Head!"
Becker: "That's Doctor Angry Head!"

Becker (to kid about to push the activation button for the display): "No no kid! Don't push that button! If you do, I swear to God Santa won't bring you a single present! All right, all right! I'll give you a dollar, no no! Five dollars not to push the button! All right: twenty dollars. I can't move though, you'll have to reach into my pocket to get my wallet."
Kid: "Oh no! We saw a film in school about men like you!"

[Trollheart]

Okay then let's return to



Episode title: "For Whom the Sleigh Bell Tolls"
Series: American Dad
Season: Six
First transmitted: December 12 2010
Written by: Erik Durbin

Note: I'm confused here. Wiki says this is a season six episode, yet shows it on the link for season seven. My own downloads have it in season seven, so I don't know, but be that as it may....

The first in a loose trilogy based on the Smiths' to-be-ongoing war with Santa, this is about as far from The Simpsons as you can get, even further than Family Guy, made by the same team.

Stan, no surprise to anyone, does not believe in Santa and is incensed that not only his own son (who always acts to me like he's seven years old when he's like fourteen, but that's a gripe for another time) but Jeff does; Hayley thinks it's very endearing but Stan does not agree. Francine is trying to start a new Christmas tradition, but again Stan, the eternal luddite, is not interested. He tells his wife he is getting Steve a gun for Christmas, so that they can bond. She's not happy and asks him to promise he will not but he does so anyway. Steve is less than impressed with his present, but Stan takes him shooting and, like any kid with a dangerous weapon, he soon warms to it. Meanwhile Roger is on a quest to find the strongest alcohol known to man, and is put on the trail of a legendary brewer who lives high in the Chimdale mountains.

Firing at a snowman, Steve accidentally kills a mall Santa (department store Santa to us) and while his son gibbers on, traumatised, Stan looks after disposing of the body. But before he can do so, Francine finds it in the boot of his car, and after expressing appropriate outrage that her son has killed a man, with a gun Stan gave him (a gun he had promised not to give him) she decides that rather than have Christmas ruined by having her son and husband locked up, she will go along with the secret burial of the body, and keep the police out of it. Stan seems bemused that the guy's fingerprints are not on the CIA database, but shrugs it off. Roger meets the moonshiner Bob Todd, who says he will teach him how to make the strongest whisky on earth.

The Smith family start to get cryptic, threatening messages that seem to indicate someone knows what they did this winter (see what I did there?) and Greg the news anchor announces that it doesn't feel like Christmas at all. There's something missing, almost as if ... as if someone had killed Santa Claus! As they debate the absurdity of such an idea - that Steve could have killed not a mall Santa but the real deal - they dig up the body and find to their horror it is gone! Nothing left behind by a bullet-riddled Santa suit. Another note warns them they have been naughty, and Santa is not happy. Just then an elf appears and tells them Santa is not dead, but recovering in the North Pole, but that he'll be back in good time - before the sun rises - to kill them all!

Roger, returned from his spell on the mountain, leads them all back there to hide, and they all head inside Bob Todd's cabin just as the sun sinks below the horizon. Jeff arrives to join them, much to Stan's anger, and then his anger turns to fear as Santa appears in the sky, leading his elf hordes to war against the Smiths. Bob Todd breaks out the weapons and they engage the enemy. Wave after wave of sleigh-riding elf attacks, and the Smiths pick them off with nothing worse on their side than an arrow shot into Stan's arm, which he contemptuously removes. Then the ground shakes and the trees part, and a massive snowman approaches.

Bob soaks a barrel in his super-strong moonshine and kicks it down the hill, where it hits the snowman, goes through him, he explodes and ejects a barrage of presents. Opening one which falls into his hands, Bob is attacked by a baby version of the snowman, but it is easily put down. All through the attack Hayley asks her mother when Stan will accept Jeff as part of the family, and Francine advises her to give him time to get used to the idea. Hayley says it's been four years. Santa lands and tries to get Jeff to defect, tempting him with the polar bear helmet from the movie The Golden Compass, which he had asked for in his letter to Santa at the opening of the episode. Everyone is shocked when he goes forward to accept, abandoning the Smiths, but once he has the helmet on he head-butts Santa. The helmet is spiked, so this really hurts, and Jeff legs it back to help bring Stan inside the cabin.

Hopelessly outnumbered, the family are doomed and Stan and Jeff stand back to back as they face defeat together, going out as a family. Luckily, time has run out on Santa, as he can only exist up to Christmas Day, and the sun is now up, so he has to retreat and pull his forces back to the North Pole, promising to return next year to finish the job.


Notes

While unlike The Simpsons episodes there are no new characters introduced here, the relationship between Jeff and Stan does reach new lows, and then finally a high as Stan sees that Jeff is ready to die for Hayley's sake, and resist the temptation to betray the family to Santa. Of course, this won't hold: Stan will always hate Jeff. Apart from that one time when he thought he was bonding with Jeff but it was actually an alien, but that's another story. Jeff also comes out of his shell for once, standing up to Stan and telling him he does not approve of how he treats his daughter, Jeff's wife. He tells Stan he did not come back for his sake, but for Hayley's.

I really like this episode because it blows apart the traditional norms of Christmas episodes on TV shows, animated or otherwise. Only Bottom has, to my knowledge, dared to turn Christmas upside down... oh, no: Blackadder did it too. Well, they're the only ones I know of that do it. In a time of supposed love, fellowship and peace we get a story of murder, revenge, conflict and, um, bestiality high up in the mountains. Bob Todd, a clear caricature (or not) of a moonshinin', gun-ownin', government-hatin' redneck living in a cabin, works well in the story, both giving the Smiths a place to make their last stand and providing them the heavy weaponry to do so, while Roger I have to say is pretty poorly underused here, though normally he's the one that tends to hold these episodes together, so I guess he was due an off-day.

His story of searching for the perfect whisky is okay, but without the battle it wouldn't stand up on its own, so it's lucky it's used as a plot device to get the Smiths to their own kind of Waco stand-off. The irony of Stan, an agent of the CIA, standing shoulder to shoulder with the kind of man who would burn down all government buildings if he could, is not lost on me, though perhaps they missed a trick by not having Stan reveal who he worked for, and making it a kind of "all hostilities suspended/truce" thing between the two while they take on the greater enemy.

I don't like the scene where the guy interrupts the shop keeper as he's explaining to Roger about Bob Todd - he keeps asking annoying questions and I guess it's meant to dilute the tension, slow down the drama and poke fun at the whole idea of the story, but to me it's just irritating and I don't see any reason for its being there. It's kind of a small niggle though in a story that is otherwise very satisfying, the perfect antidote for those who are at this point up to here with Christmas and peace on Earth and all that guff.

The battle is of course modelled strongly on those from The Lord of the Rings, right up to the emergence of the massive snowman (who doesn't last long, and should, I believe, have been given more of a chance to wreak havoc before being so easily disposed of) and the last-stand nature of the attack; I guess it's meant to be Helm's Deep or something. Very clever. The resolution is also good, almost a nod to vampire movies where the vampire realises too late that he has strayed into the morning sun and burns up. Santa kind of fizzles out as the sun rises, unable to maintain his coherence in the world after Christmas Day, perhaps also a wry comment on how quickly the feelings of brotherhood and love are forgotten once the presents have been opened and the dinner consumed.

American Dad's Santa is somewhat similar to Futurama's Robot Santa, a nasty dude to encounter when he's mad. So, you know, you better watch out. I like the touch where he lights his cigar off Rudolph's red nose (well, one of the reindeer; it's never named as Rudolph but you would guess so) and also the idea of using another reindeer as a battering ram - the antlers bringing the word back to its origin, perhaps.

It's also nice to see - though we've seen it before so it's no real surprise - that the makers of American Dad aren't afraid of showing violence or blood, even - especially - in a Christmas episode. If red and white are the traditional Christmas colours, there's a hell of a lot of the former on display here! It's violent; comically violent and yet, in a way, maybe not so much. Maybe this is a kind of catharsis, a chance for those who really have had enough of the Christmas season, carols, presents, snow and mistletoe (and overpriced toys to be bought) to really let loose on the festive period and let out a collective, animalistic roar of NO! ENOUGH!

Or, you know, maybe it's just a really funny cartoon.

[Trollheart]

Just to show I'm not totally against Christmas (I'm not, honestly!) I'm going to try to feature one or two genuine Christmas movies that we all enjoy. If you haven't seen these, try to make sure you do: they're almost guaranteed to be on the box over the festive period. Of course, these days you can just stream them. Either way, balancing out all the poor and worse than poor Christmas movies you can be threatened with this or any year, these are timeless, definitely worth watching and each one is one of what I want to call




Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (Paramount Pictures, 1971)

Sure, Johnny Depp and Tim Burton between them tried to ruin this classic with a remake but this will forever remain the quintessential kids' flick, with its tale of an eccentric millionaire who makes the most scrumptious chocolate in the world, and opens his factory on one special day to five lucky children who have won the competition he ran. The children are allowed roam the factory in the company of Wonka and his assistants, the orange-skinned Oompa Loompas, and are literally kids in a candy store. But the movie pushes morality hard, and those who do not listen to reason and exercise restraint can expect to learn some very hard lessons indeed.

Gene Wilder in one of his greatest roles makes the movie as the screwy Willy Wonka, while everyone else to be fair fade in the shadow of his talent. Some great songs too, and a typical "fun for all the family" movie which, for once, is. I could watch this a thousand times and never get sick of it. Well, 999 times anyway. Has inspired parody from Futurama and Simpsons to Family Guy, and though author Roald Dahl disowned the film version it has, for better or worse, been subsumed into the human consciousness now and is as much a part of Christmas as the Queen's speech or Cliff Richard. Or whatever your American equivalent is. Probably something to do with baseball.

[Trollheart]

But the sad fact is that the larger percent of Christmas movies are trash, and so we edge back cautiously in the direction of

and cook up a fresh batch. Unfortunately (though it's all in good humour, right? RIGHT?) there seems to be a never-ending supply. Like this one.



If this wasn't a Christmas movie (barely) that would sound more like the title of some film about a gay man who risks everything to become a ballet star. Or something. But it is a Christmas move (barely) and it is about the reindeer (sort of) who has a bit part in that song, as explained by IMDB, who are at this point I think getting tired of our copying-and-pasting their hard-thought-out plot summaries. Fuck 'em: it's Christmas, or will be soon. Season of goodwill, so they had better just accept it or we'll kick their heads in.

Jessica, the daughter of an impoverished farmer, still believes in Santa Claus. So when she comes across a reindeer with an injured leg, it makes perfect sense to her to assume that it is Prancer, who had fallen from a Christmas display in town. She hides him in her barn and feeds him cookies, until she can return him to Santa. Her father finds him and decides to sell him to the butcher, not for venison chops, but as an advertising display.

Oh, and if this is you, Trollheart, fuck off and write your own summaries! And Happy Holidays, you cunt.

Heartwarming. eh? Why doesn't she think it's Rudolph? After all, he's the most famous reindeer of all, according to Bing Crosby and a hundred other crooners who remind us every Christmas about the exploits of the nasally-challenged one. Why not Dancer? Comet? Vixen? Donner or Blitzen? Why choose the gayest reindeer of all? Cos she's a girl? Cos it sounds good? Cos I don't care? Well I don't. Did anyone else?

Let's see: Sam Elliott, kind of know him. Cloris Leachman? Isn't she or wasn't she Karla in Cheers? Yeah, that's about it. Not even any funny characters. Plenty of "Boys", and a Mr Wood is the best I can come up with. No, I agree, it's not that funny. About as funny as the backers of this movie must have felt when it nosedived at the box office, assuming it ever got there. Oh look! With staggering lack of hindsight and an almost admirable determination, they made a sequel. In 2001. Right. Some people don't know when to stop flogging a dead reindeer (sorry).

Nor do I, as I will definitely flog what flesh remains off that when I have a chance. But not right now. We have, possibly, worse movies to slag off.

[Trollheart]

Like this one. As I said in the (chortle) review of the previous movie, if you're going to make a Christmas film about a reindeer, then your choices should be limited to one. This one, indisputably the most famous reindeer of all. Well, do you know any more famous? Or even, famous at all? Thought not. Now shut up and let me unleash what little searing wit I still have before they take away my licence.



Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer: The Movie (1998)

As if the tale of the Ugly Duckling wasn't enough to show that prejudice exists even in the animal kingdom, we've had the story of Rudolph to sing along to now for more decades than I care to remember. This however is not the charming Burl Ives vehicle from 1964, but a sickly-sweet, formulaic, cloying and embarrassingly trite tale of redemption for one plucky reindeer. Yeah it's for kids but come on: even tots are going to be rolling their eyes at this and wishing Prancer, Dancer (gay or what?) Blitzen and all the other 'deer would just take ol' Red-Nose "out back" and teach him a few home truths about life at the North Pole! The plot, such as it is, from our friends at IMDB:

Young Rudolph suffers a childhood accident that sees his nose turn from the publicly accepted norm of black to a glowing red colour. His parents worry about him getting teased, and indeed he does in the end. When he is beaten in the reindeer games by his rival for a doe he fancies, Rudolph runs away and moves into a cave with Slyly the Fox. However can he overcome his fear and reach his true potential?

Animated movies always draw a stellar cast, and this is no exception, with giants like John Goodman, Whoopi Goldberg, Bob Newhart, Eric Idle  and even the legendary screen icon Debbie  Reynolds (those royalties must need a little topping up I guess) lending their voices to the project. Mind you, a character described as "Elf referee at games" has me intrigued. Though not that intrigued!

[Trollheart]

 
Santa's Little Helper (2015)

No, not the charming doggy from The Simpsons: this is a direct-to-DVD-to-dumpster affront to humanity, another of those movies wherein wrestlers (who, I suppose it's fair to say, can act) try to become movie stars and without exception fail miserably. I refer you to Santa With Muscles. Say no more. However it seems even Hulk Hogan would blush at this. It's so bad that no critic would talk about it on Rotten Tomatoes, nor are there any audience reviews. Seems to take the basic idea from Ernest Saves Christmas and expand it somewhat, in that Santa is looking, not this time for a replacement, but for a new helper. He chooses Dax, the wrestler known as The Miz (?) and sets him many tasks to see if he is up to the job.

The Miz is a Scrooge-like figure when we meet him, probably closer to Bill Murray's character in Scrooged than anything Dickens wrote, a corporate hatchet-man who is trying to close down a community centre. With magic balls, (ooer!) obstacle courses to be overcome (of course), an elf who is ostracised because of her freakishly round ears and a soppy love story, this sounds like the sort of thing even Adam Sandler would turn down.

Rotten Tomatoes ratings

Tomatometer: n/a
Audience Score: 24%

IMDB Rating

4.7/10

Metacritic rating

Not available

Oh wait! We have reviews. IMDB to the rescue! Let's see...

There are a lot of negatives you could bring up about this movie; it's cheesy, the acting and plot are questionable, it drags in the middle, and the humour is way too basic. However it does qualify as a reasonably good Christmas movie and since that is what it is supposed to be then you can generally ignore most of those points. The only thing that might put some people off is the small amount of male-female violence that is present, as well as the assertion that men and women should be treated equally both physically and mentally. Personally I think that makes this film stand out, but it might offend some others (although a lot of the positive steps the film takes in this area is undercut by the lead female character being so taken aback by the man's insistence that she is pretty, because you know, that is all women want out of life.