The Couch Potato Presents: The Doctor is In! Trollheart's "Frasier" Journal

[Trollheart]

A trailblazer, that's me. I was the first to have more than one journal back on Music Banter, and the first to have a non-music one. I didn't even know if it was allowed, but I thought, they'll tell me if not. So I decided to break the mould and push the envelope and a few other relevant cliched phrases, and began writing about my favourite television programmes in a journal I entitled The Couch Potato. I had blazed a trail, though, you see, because people followed me, and not necessarily always with final demands for payment. Once others saw it could be done and was allowed, well, the floodgates were open, and MB saw journals with topics ranging from booze and gaming to history and personal stories. No longer was the journal section only for music.

And with that lifting of restrictions, or the realisation that it had never been there in the first place and only needed one bold and brave pioneer to inch the door in, then kick it wide and say "it's safe guys!" the journal section seemed to come back to life. Suddenly, everyone was writing a journal, and possibly those who had looked briefly at the section and thought to themselves "I could write a journal but not on music" and then slinked away from the door, were now able to walk confidently through that door and write their thoughts on, literally, any subject they wished.

I don't say all this to blow my own trumpet, mind. You do not want to hear me blow any trumpet, whether it is mine or not, believe me! I'm simply using it as a sort of preamble to a slew of new journals, lifted from one of my old ones. As I said above, I started off The Couch Potato as a way to look at and write about my favourite TV progammes, but that in itself presented a problem. Because I started with only three, but soon added more programmes, and because I generally don't like to repeat myself, or indeed repeat myself, and definitely not repeat myself - I repeat, I don't like to repeat myself - I tended to only update each programme sporadically, and the more that were added the more sporadic that updating became, so that a programme could go six months before being added to. This obviously was an issue for anyone who happened to be reading the entries and wondered when the next one would be.

So I have no intention of repeating that mistake by trying to port the entire Couch Potato across here. Rather, the idea now is to break it up into several smaller journals, each concentrating on one programme. I'll try to only choose shows that retain more or less broad appeal, but of course if I really like a show I may put it here in its own journal, even if nobody ever reads it. This will, though, allow me to update each journal more regularly than had previously been the case.

And so I'm prefixing each of these mini-journals with


The first one I want to try then, is this:

I was never the biggest fan of Cheers, but when it eventually ended and the word went out that there was to be a spinoff series, like most people I expected it to be about Sam and/or Diane, maybe Norm. Hell, even Cliff could pull that off! But when I heard it was to be the quiet, occasional character of psychiatrist and sometime husband of Diane, Frasier Crane, who was to get his own series, well, I scoffed. I did. I scoffed and then I scoffed some more. Nothing quite as ludicrous perhaps as Cleveland getting his own show decades later, but it was to me a strange decision.

Shows what I know! After thirty-seven Emmy Awards during its eleven year run, Frasier has become one of the "50 greatest TV shows ever" as listed by TV Guide, and is on record as being the most successful spin-off comedy ever in the history of television. Already a minor star, the show made a household name and superstar out of its title actor, Kelsey Grammer, and his supporting cast in the show, most notably his father, played by John Mahoney and his brother, played by David Hyde Pierce. Frasier would later semi-reprise his role on The Simpsons as evil criminal mastermind Sideshow Bob, with his fellow actor appearing in one episode as ... his brother.

Many people don't "get" Frasier, and while I can understand this from one point of view, it makes no sense from another. Certainly a more highbrow comedy show, Frasier eschews, in general, the pratfalls, bad language, sex and zany situations that characterise many other comedies, though at times it does descend into basic French farce. Frasier was always more concerned with the relationship between its characters - that of Frasier with his father, Niles, his brother, with their live-in nurse Daphne, and, er, Martin's relationship with Eddie, his dog. It was in many ways a gentle comedy: nothing too abrasive or acerbic about it, but not on the lines of shows like [t]Last of the Summer Wine[/i] or Open All Hours. Frasier (both the man, and the show) tackled a lot of society's problems: he was, after all, a psychiatrist and also a radio show host, and many of these ended up hitting close to home for the characters, as they realised that their own problems mirrored those of the ones they were trying to give advice to.

A lynchpin of the earlier seasons is Niles' pursuit of Daphne, a courtship that began awkwardly and continued for seasons, until he finally managed to marry her. But unlike many shows where when the will-they-won't-they is resolved things go downhill, this one never really lost that spark and right up to the end there was a chemistry between the characters. Truth to tell, and not unpredictably, Niles was to find that marriage to his "goddess", once the only thing occupying his waking, or sleeping, mind, was in reality not always as heavenly as he would have expected it to be.

So, then, the characters, which really didn't change much if at all from season to season:

Frasier Crane, played by Kelsey Grammer.

A psychiatrist coming off the back of a bad marriage, Frasier leaves Boston (where Cheers was set) and comes to Seattle, where he decides that instead of setting up private practice he will do what he can to help people by hosting a radio talk show in which the callers can phone in and he will give them advice and try to help them. Of course, it doesn't always work out how he had intended.


Martin Crane, played by John Mahoney (RIP).

When Frasier moves to Seattle his father is living alone, having been shot in the leg and had to retire from the police force, but his other son Niles is concerned that he cannot look after himself, so after some to-ing and fro-ing Martin comes to live with Frasier. The first season is replete with their attempts to make the best of a bad thing and try to live with each other in as much harmony as possible, which in the early stages is, well, not much.


Niles Crane, played by David Hyde Pierce

Niles is Frasier's younger brother, and fastidious to a fault, almost neurotic in fact. He will automatically brush a chair before he sits in it, if it's in a public place, has very strict guidelines about what he can eat (he's allergic to much) and a habit of falling for domineering women, most of whom end up trying to ruin him. His life gets even more complicated the day he comes over to see the woman his brother has hired to look after their father, live-in British nurse Daphne, and falls immediately in love with her.

Daphne Moon, played by Jane Leeves

Originally from Manchester, Daphne brings the "zany humour of the British" - huh? Shows how much the writers knew about the Brits! - to the show, when she is hired to look after Martin, and almost instantly becomes the love interest and romantic goal of Frasier's brother, Niles. Daphne of course, as you might expect with two men in the apartment - neither of which get totally on with the other - becomes a sort of mother figure, knocking heads together when they need to be knocked, and consoling and sympathising when that is what is required.


Roz Doyle, played by Peri Gilpin.

Almost diametrically opposed in temperament to Daphne, Roz is an outgoing, carefree, manhunter who is employed by the station as Frasier's producer on his show, but the two soon become fast friends. However, the worlds they live in are so far apart that the one becomes a great foil for the other, Roz usually serving to show Frasier how pompous he appears to outsiders. She forms a loose alliance with Martin, as Frasier's father is nothing like him and he takes to her immediately. While Frasier drinks only the finest sherries, Martin prefers a beer, and when his two sons order fancy coffees like lattes and capunccinos with silly names in their favourite coffee house, Martin is fond of reminding people "I'm a regular Joe and I like my Joe regular!"

There are other characters who are introduced later, some of whom remain through seasons, some of whom don't. As with my other writeups I will introduce these as they come into the storylines.

Althouhg Frasier is, or can be seen as, a highbrow comedy for the intelligentsia, it is not above poking fun at such elitist ideals. Frasier's innate pomposity and arrogance are more often than not punctured by a wry remark from Daphne or a sharp look from Roz, or indeed something Martin remarks when he remembers what they were like as children. Even Eddie, the dog who initially starts off as, and mostly remains, the bane of Frasier's life and a constant stain on his expensive carpets and furnishings, can bring the snobby shrink down to earth.

Whenever in the company of anyone of "quality" or learning, Frasier will always make sure to shoehorn in a reference to his education at Harvard, and despite being very well off indeed, he will not baulk at haggling over the price of things, often to a quite ridiculous level. He could talk about himself for hours, and often his perceived superiority will land him in trouble with, you guessed it, hilarious results.

Frasier ran for eleven years and eleven seasons, from 1993 to 2004, and when the final episode was screened Kelsey Grammer reached the momentous milestone of becoming the longest-running character on primetime TV, and was also at one point the highest paid actor on American television. Not bad for a bit-part actor in a comedy show!

Note: So popular was it that they revived it last year. I haven't seen any of the "new" Frasier but I do intend to watch it, and when I have, I will feature it here. How that will work out with respect to the original show, I don't know, but we'll see.

[Trollheart]

1.1 "The Good Son"

Having left behind his life in Boston, along with a failed marriage and a son he hardly gets to see, Frasier Crane moves to Seattle to try to start afresh. Unwillling to replicate his old pattern though he resists setting up in private practice in the new city and instead opts to be the "phone-in" psychiatrist on a radio station. The series opens with his relating the circumstances which led to his move. He then meets his brother Niles for coffee. Niles, if this is possible, makes Frasier seem almost bearable. He's superior and condescending, and yet we will grow to love him as the series progresses. He's also quite fastidious, almost to the point of being neurotic about cleanliness. Here we see him dusting down a chair with his handkerchief before he will deign to sit on it.

Niles has come to meet Frasier to tell him about their father, a retired cop who he worries should not be living on his own. He has had another fall, and Niles has made arrangements for him to be moved into a convalescent home. Frasier of course will not hear of it and so is manipulated into allowing him to move into his new apartment. There's a great scene just before the father arrives where Frasier is playing his piano. He hears the doorbell, stops playing, closes the lid of the piano, trudges to the door like a boy dragging his feet, takes one last, despairing look back at his apartment, knowing it will never be the same for him again, and opens the door.

Things don't exactly go swimmingly. Though Frasier pretends he wants his father there Martin knows he is not welcome, and is embarrassed that it has been decided that he cannot be trusted to be left alone. He brightens up however when his favourite chair, which he has had brought over from his apartment, arrives. Frasier is aghast: the thing is a nasty, split-pea green monstrosity that clashes with everything he owns. Martin however counters this argument by reminding his son that he has just this moment been talking about the "eclectic" nature of his own furnishings, none of which match each other, so he can't complain about Martin's favourite recliner.

But worse is to come. As Niles makes a hasty exit he throws out a bombshell, asking his father if he has mentioned Eddie yet? Frasier almost collapses. Not Eddie! Dear god no, not Eddie! Please! Turns out Eddie is Martin's little Jack Russell, this being the final straw for Frasier, who meets Niles a week later and tells him it is not working out. They're going to have to go with Plan B, and organise a place for their father in that nursing home Niles was talking about. They're still not happy about it though, and Niles suggests hiring a homecare worker.

Again, things do not go well. Martin is not happy with any of the applicants, until finally Daphne Moon, an English girl, comes to the apartment and he instantly warms to her, mostly it would seem due to her cheeky disrespect of Frasier and his furniture. She also takes a liking to Eddie, and Martin hires her on the spot. However there is a problem. She seems to have misunderstood the job; she thinks it's a live-in position whereas Frasier points out it's only part-time. Martin says he'd be happy for her to move in but Frasier isn't having it. This leads to a knock-down row as Frasier goes on about how much he's given up and sacrificed in taking his father in, while Martin is annoyed to see that he's being considered a burden, a responsibility. Frasier stalks out, and Martin goes to feed Eddie. The atmosphere is thick with resentment.

Later, Martin unexpectedly phones in, saying he has a problem with his son. In a roundabout way he manages to apologise while also making Frasier realise that he too needs to cut his dad some slack.

QUOTES

Yes, almost every line in Frasier is quotable, but here I'll try to restrict myself to those that are really funny, or which reveal something about the character of those who speak them, or about whom they are spoken.

Frasier: "I miss Frederick [his son] like the dickens of course. You know he's quite the little sportsman: plays goalie in the pee-wee soccer team. Chip off the old block."
Niles: "You hated sports."
Frasier: "So does he!"

Niles: "We [Niles and his first wife, Maris] would be willing to help you pay for a homecare worker."
Frasier: "A what?"
Niles: "You know: someone who cooks and cleans, and can help dad with his therapy."
Frasier: "These angels exist?"

The dry wit of Roz

If one person keeps Frasier grounded, then three do, but at work it's Roz Doyle, the straight-talking, no-nonsense producer who sees him as an overbearing, pretentious windbag (turns out she has good instincts) and who misses no opportunity to deflate him with a cutting remark. Here I'll be looking at some of these.

Frasier (in full flight as he gives advice to a caller): "Well I think we lost him."
Roz: "No, we cut to news thirty seconds ago!"

Frasier: "How did I do?"
Roz: "Well let's see. You dropped two commercials, left twenty eight seconds of dead air, scrambled the station's call letters, you spilled yoghurt on the control board, and kept referring to Jerry, who had the identity crisis, as Jeff!"

Lupe Valez: To cheer Frasier up, Roz tells him the story of Lupe Valez, a movie star in the thirties who was determined to go out on a high. Her career having hit the slide, she decided to kill herself and leave a beautiful corpse. Unfortunately she failed in her initial attempt, vomited up the pills, slipped and hit her head on the toilet, killing herself and being found the next day with her head down the bowl.

Thanks for calling...

Frasier had a unique way of featuring guest stars, and while many did make an appearance on the show, the vast majority of them turn up as voices only. I don't know if this is because it was easier to get these famous faces - or, I suppose I should say more accurately, famous voices - to guest if they could just record their lines (or in some cases, line) rather than have to travel to the set, but it worked very well. None of the below are ever named, other than in the closing credits, and all play various "ordinary Joes" (or Janes), people who phone in to the radio station to ask for Frasier's advice. Sometimes you can tell who they are, but I found most of the time I could not (many, of course, I did not know, or at least not so well as to be able to recognise them from their voice). Here, then, I'll be noting when famous people take the role of callers to the show.

Claire is voiced by Linda Hamilton, of Terminator fame
Russell is voiced by Griffin Dunne

[Trollheart]

1.2 "Space Quest"

New character!
Bob "Bulldog" Brisco, played by Dan Butler, presents the Gonzo Sports Show on KACL, the station Frasier works for. He is affectionately (!) known as Bulldog and is everything Frasier is not. He's short, loud, loves sports, eats trashy food, thinks he's god's gift and is about as cultured as a homeless tramp. He takes great delight in laughing at Frasier's sensitivity and is in fact the epitome of the jock taunting the nerd (wanna guess who the nerd is?) He has this habit of misplacing something and then immediately declaring that someone has stolen it, getting increasingly angrier before he very quickly finds it. The joke runs along these lines: "Where is my [insert object here]? Somebody stole my [insert object here]! This stinks! This is total BS! This - oh there it is!" It's a recurring joke throughout the series, never really gets old.

Daphne has moved in and Martin is making changes. Whereas Frasier normally has a sparse, healthy breakfast now he's being served a greasy fry-up. His coffee has been "spiced up" and - dear god say it isn't true! - someone has read his newspaper before him! He makes a little speech advising Daphne and Martin that he needs his morning routine, but he is ignored with Martin's now-characteristic bluff "get used to it" and Daphne's kind but unwavering "we'll all soon get along". At the station he is in a black mood, and confesses to Roz that he needs to find solitude, somewhere to just sit and read his book.

When he returns home he is amazed but delighted to find the apartment empty, and settles down with his book. However, he has not even started before Martin, Daphne and Eddie return. Driven out of his houese again he ends up in Cafe Nervosa, where he runs into Niles. His brother suggests he should try engaging with Martin, try to find some common ground, make an effort to get to know him instead of just tolerating him. Unfortunately it's a little stilted and doesn't go very well: you can't force these things. Martin reminds him that to forge that kind of relationship takes more than a few days, it could take years. Horrified, but realising he's right, Frasier decides to give the thing a chance.

QUOTES

Frasier: "Ah yes, the Crane family specialty: Fried eggs swimming in fat, served in a delightfully hollowed-out piece of white bread. I can almost hear my left ventricle slamming shut!"

Frasier: "Dad! Dad! I can't read my morning paper: Eddie's staring at me!"
Martin: "Just ignore him."
Frasier: "I'm trying to!"
Martin: "I was talking to the dog!"

Roz the raver

Another thing we learn about Roz this episode is that she has, shall we say, loose morals? She is what we might unkindly, but mostly accurately describe as something of a slapper. She sleeps with as many men as she can and has no qualms talking about it, nor does she see anything wrong in it. Over the course of the series naturally this behaviour will change, as she begins to realise that you can't be a slut all your life: at some point you want more than sex. Nevertheless, her sexual exploits will form quite a part of the comedy, especially Frasier's distaste of her stories and, later, his genuine concern for her as she becomes less a producer and more a friend.

Thanks for Calling...

Leonard is voiced by the late Christopher Reeve, Superman himself

[Trollheart]

1.3 "Dinner at Eight"

Niles comes around and meets Daphne. To his amazement it's love at first sight, for him at any rate. The boys consider how their father can be so unalike both of them: he's not interested in opera or classical music, fine food or sartorial elegance, and they decide to take him to dinner. Unfortunately there's a SNAFU and the reservations are lost, so under great duress they agree to go to Martin's choice, the Timber Mill --- "You get a steak this thick for eight ninety-five!" --- but are somewhat condescending and mocking about the lowbrow restaurant.

Martin has finally had enough and berates his children in front of everyone in the restaurant. This is the first of many times when he makes the two grown men feel like kids, and both the doctors feel suitably abashed, ashamed of their behaviour.


QUOTES

Frasier: "You do not antagonise a man whose bumper sticker reads If you're close enough to read this I'll kill you!"

Niles: "The food is to die for!"
Martin: "Niles, your country and your family is to die for. Food is to eat."

Niles: "One of my patients had an amusing freudian slip the other day. He was having dinner with his wife and he meant to say Pass the salt but what he actually said was You've ruined my life, you bloodsucking shrew!"

Niles: "I'd like a petite filet mingnon, very lean, not so lean that it lacks flavour but not so fat that it leaves drippings on the plate. And I don't want it cooked but just lightly seared on each side, pink in the middle but not true pink. Not mauve either, something in between; bearing in mind the slightest error either way and it's ruined."

FAMILY

As I said in the intro, this show is primarily all about one family (and assorted friends and acquaintances, who become all but extended family) so in this section I'll detail when an episode gives us more insight into each character, or tells us about this most dysfunctional family.

NILES
Here we see the depths of Niles' obsession with having things just so, as he reels off a complicated manner in which his steak must be cooked, as above. We don't see it, but no doubt he wipes the seat at his table in the Timber Mill down a few more times before sitting down. He also complains of "things haven fallen into" his baked potato, which Martin tells him are bacon bits. He doesn't like bacon bits, because of the nitrates. We will later learn that though Frasier's brother is a fussy eater, he in some ways has reason to be, as he is allergic to a wide variety of things.

It's also funny that he expresses a specific number of olives that must be in his drink: two only. Frasier conspiratorially tells the waitress if she brings it with three, or with four, he will send it back, then promptly orders the same for himself, showing that critical and mocking as he may be of his brother's tastes, he is just as guilty of being picky.

MARTIN

This is the first time Martin speaks at any length about his wife, Frasier and Niles' mother. It's clear he had a deep, abiding love for her and that he misses her greatly. It's also clear that she had vastly different tastes to his, but that he accepted her for what she was and she enjoyed many of the things he did, probably just to please him. He tells the two brothers, as they mock the restaurant he has chosen, that she would be ashamed of them.

Thanks for calling...

Pam is voiced by Patti LuPone (yeah, I don't know her...)

[Trollheart]

1.4 "I Hate Frasier Crane"

Martin is looking an old case he has yet to solve, a murder which took place twenty years ago. Niles calls around for dinner and lets his brother know that a local columnist has written an unflattering piece about him entitled "I hate Frasier Crane". When he gets the chance he hits back at Derek Mann, who wrote the piece, through his radio show. However his saracastic comments don't go down well with Mann, who elaborates in his next column with a point-by-point critique of the show. Determining not to respond, Frasier does exactly the opposite. He rails against Mann, who challenges him to a fist fight.

Unable to back down as the challenge was made on air, Frasier worries that he may not be able to take the guy. Martin however is delighted that Frasier is actually standing up to the bully, but less happy when Frasier tells him he's not going to go through with it. He reminds him of an incident from his childhood where he backed away from a schoolyard fight, and Martin sees this fight as a matter of honour. The day of the fight dawns, and there's a big crowd. Frasier has decided to go ahead and keep his promise. Niles points out to him the hulking figure of Derek Mann, and Frasier's confidence begins to desert him. Nevertheless he has to go through with it, but as he walks out and the fight begins it is suddenly broken up by the police. Turns out Martin has called in a favour to save his son's honour. And hide.

QUOTES

Frasier (looking down at Eddie the dog from the dinner table): "Oh will you stop staring?"
Niles (who has been looking surreptitiously at Daphne): "I wasn't staring!"

Roz: "Dr. Crane, on line 5 we have Stuart, who's having a problem with delayed gratification."
Frasier: "Well he's just gonna have to wait!"

Niles (filing his nails): "What is it that makes us Crane boys such targets?"

FAMILY
As the show goes on we learn more about the characters and about the backstory of both the Crane family and those of the other associated characters. These help us build up a more solid picture of both Frasier and his contemporaries, and on occasion give us an insight into why he is like he is.

FRASIER

Billy Creezle: Here we are shown that Frasier was a nerd in school (surprise, surprise!) and like all nerds had his bully who made his life miserable. Frasier's was Billy Creezle, with whom he was supposed to have a fight after school. But Frasier ducked out of the meeting, crying off to take a clarinet lesson. The shame has stayed with his father ever since, and he lets his grown-up son know that this also permeated down into his working life. Billy's father was also a cop, in the same precinct, and whenever Martin was unable to meet for a beer they would laugh and say "Oh have you a clarinet lesson to go to?"

He's obviously delighted when Frasier finally stands up to the new Billy Creezle, in the shape of Derek Mann, erasing for once and for all that stain of dishonour that Martin has seen as remaining upon the Crane name. He knows however that no matter how much he loves and supports his son, he can't be expected to take on a brute of a man like Derek Mann, so discretely arranges for the fight to be broken up. When he smiles to the cop in an aside that "the Crane boys don't take clarinet lessons anymore" he is met by a blank look, until he realises this cop did not operate out of his precinct.

There's also a funny scene which shows that it was not only Frasier who was bullied by Creezle. When Niles asks him why he is fighting Frasier says "It's Billy Creezle", to which a suddenly scared Niles gasps "Where?" and looks around in terror, as if expecting the bully to appear before him.

Although the initial stages of Martin's moving in with his son have been fraught with tension and ill-feeling, this is the first episode where we begin to see a thawing of the relationship between the two. Initially delighted that Frasier has stood up to Mann, then bitter that he is going to break his word and finally ecstatic when his son decides to honour that word, Martin shows that though he has had occasions when perhaps he could have wished for more manly sons (or even a daughter!) he still loves Frasier and Niles, and is proud of them.

Thanks for Calling...

Derek Mann is voiced by Joe Mantegna, of Criminal Minds fame
Lorraine is voiced by Judith Ivey (Yeah, don't know her either...)

[Trollheart]

1.5 "Here's Looking At You"

Worried that his father has not got a hobby and just spends all his time watching TV, Frasier buys him a telescope, however he starts using it to communicate with a woman in the opposite building who also has a telescope. Through a series of written notes held in front of the telescopes they get to know each other. The woman's name is Irene and Martin is very taken with her. Frasier decides it's time they met, and gives Irene Martin's phone number. Surprisingly though, after talking to her and seeming to hit it off with her, he turns down her offer to meet, and neither Daphne nor Frasier can understand why.

Niles calls by with Maris's Aunt Patrice, who takes an instant shine to Martin. Luckily they get rid of her, but Martin reveals that he is still trying to come to terms with the loss of his wife, but Daphne is wise to him, and tells him she believes it's more that he's self-conscious about his game leg and having to walk with a cane. He eventually realises how silly he's being and decides to go on the date.

QUOTES

Niles: "Oh, who knows why anyone does anything?"
Frasier: "Remind me again what you do for a living? I mean, it was one phone call. Who can make a sound judgement about someone on the basis of one phone call?"
Niles: "Remind me again what you do for a living?"

Niles: "The least you can do is say hello to Maris's Aunt Patrice."
Frasier: "I'm not driving all the way over to your apartment."
Niles: "You don't have to: she's outside in the car."
Frasier: "You left her in the car?"
Niles: "I cracked open a window."
Frasier: "Ah, well then she'll be fine."

EGGHEAD

It's through his perceived superiority to other people that Frasier most often annoys people, puts his foot in it and makes faux pas (I don't know what the plural is, it's French and ends in X!). Here I'll be detailing when these things occur.

Frasier is taking a call, the caller says his mother literally hangs around the place all day. Frasier tells him that she could not do that, not literally. He says "I'm sorry but it's a pet peeve of mine when people use literally when they mean figuratively." When he then advises his caller to continue with his problem he gets this response: "Do you mind if I tell you my pet peeve? I hate it when intellectual pinheads with superiority complexes nitpick your grammar when you come looking for help. That's what I got a problem with!" and hangs up. Showing how little he understands how annoying he is being, Frasier tells his audience, "I'm sure he meant to say, that is a thing with which he has a problem!"

Thanks for calling...

Doug is voiced by Jeff Daniels

FAMILY

DAPHNE

Here we see that Daphne is more than just a care worker, looking after Martin. She has become a sort of perhaps not surrogate wife and certainly not sister, but a friend to him who tries to make him feel better about himself. You could say it's all part of his therapy and therefore her job, but then later on they have quite heated arguements, so it's more a friendship thing. He sees her as an ally against Frasier when sides have to be taken; Daphne knows Frasier pays her wages but has no time for his smug superiority and like Roz can deflate him with a sharp word. Having grown up in a house full of boys she knows how to handle herself around men. Here she works out what Martin's problem with Irene is, and through her charm and common sense makes him feel he's making too much of his disability, and thus helps him on his way towards perhaps romance.

Of course, at times Daphne will team up with Frasier against Martin, but almost always only when they are trying to convince him to do something that is good for him, as here, when she and Frasier both tug at his heartstrings about how lonely Irene must be. In the end, they all want what's best for the old man, even if he himself doesn't know it.

[Trollheart]

1.6 "The Crucible"

Frasier is delighted that he has been able to acquire a painting by Seattle's premiere artist, Martha Paxton, and even more ecstatic when the artist, hearing on Frasier's show that he bought one of her paintings and the effect he says it has on him, "uplifting his soul", calls in and agrees to attend a little soiree he is putting together. Frasier is a bundle of nerves at the reception, but things do not go as planned when the artist arrives and takes one look at the painting, sneering that it is not an original. Frasier is scandalised, embarrassed and eventually, after everyone has left and his humiliation complete and public, angry that he has been taken by an unscrupulous art dealer. He determines to get his money back but the dealer tells him that's life; there's nothing he can do and no way Frasier can force him to refund him his money.

He determines to go to the police, but his father's bluff advice is not heeded and he makes a further fool of himself. Though his father tells him just to get used to it, life isn't always fair, Frasier wants to get the guy back and so he goes to the gallery with the intention of throwing a brick through the window. Niles however goes to stop him, but ends up losing it and smashing the window himself when he remembers an embarrassing incident from his school days.

QUOTES

Frasier (of the painting): "Well enjoy it while you can, because first thing in the morning this thing is going back to the art dealer I bought it from; going to demand my money back."
Martin: "Frasier, you're a little upset about this. Maybe I should return it for you."
Frasier: "Thanks dad, but really, what do you know about the art world?"
Martin: "Apparently, about as much as you do!"

Martin: "You can let it eat a hole in your stomach or you can file it away under the heading sometimes life sucks!"
Frasier: "Yeah, well, that file's getting pretty thick!"

Frasier: "I'm going to phone the police! Dad, who do I ask for?"
Martin: "Have them put you through to the Fine Arts Forgeries Department!"

FAMILY

MARIS

Little by little, we're learning about Niles' reclusive socialite (if that's not a contradiction in terms) wife, who he has brought to the reception Frasier is throwing, but has "tired easily under the pressure to be interesting" and has fallen asleep under the guests' coats! As the series goes on many more references will be made towards Maris' fragility and slightness, leaving us with a picture of a woman so frail and delicate that she surely is not actually there. We will, however, never get to test that premise as she will never be shown onscreen, only referred to.

MARTIN

This is the first time Roz visits Frasier's apartment - "Is it everything you imagined it would be?" he asks smugly, to which she quips "Well you know Frasier, I don't spend my time idly wondering what your apartment looks like. But I did imagine a lot of beige." She looks around, grins. "Oh look! I was right!" - and the first time she meets Martin. The two hit it off right away, and a strong friendship is forged when Martin realises she is nothing like his son, and she that the father is nothing like Frasier, not at all what she had expected.

NILES

From the moment he clapped eyes on Daphne Niles has been helplessly, head-over-heels in love. Just one problem: he's married. Oh, two: he doesn't know if his feelings - which he can't voice - are reciprocated. Here we see him relish the chance to be near her again. True, he's there like any other snob to meet the artist, and true, he must secretly love it when Frasier's evening comes crashing down about his ears, but he's mostly there to be around the object of his infatuation. He goes into the kitchen and lingers over the heavenly sight of Daphne bending down as she removes something from the oven, he smells her hair - a practice he will continue; he almost gets caught here but gets away with it - and later when Daphne is helping him look for an alleged ring that Maris is supposed to have lost, the two emerge from the bedroom looking a little flustered. Niles replies to Frasier's demand for an explanation - as Daphne does up her blouse - that she was good enough to crawl under the bed to look for it while he... at which point Frasier asks archly "Yes?"

DAPHNE

Again we're party to Daphne's supposed psychic ability, and yet there seems to be something to it. When Niles gives her, at her request, the matching earring so she can try to get some psychic impression off it, she says "Yes, it's in your father's room. No, now it's in the bathroom. This is odd! Now it's in the hallway!" A moment later, Eddie appears and it's all too clear what has happened to the earring, also where the dog has just been!

Thanks for calling...

Gary, the man who wants to buy a sump pump rather than take his wife on holiday to Italy, is voiced by comedian Robert Klein

EGGHEAD

Frasier is so pompous and has such an exaggerated sense of his own pride that Martin has to explain to him that the police don't have time for chasing art forgers: they're much too busy with real crimes. But Frasier in some senses is something of a little boy, unable to believe that the world is so unfair and that he cannot correct the error he has made, nor make the man responsible for hoodwinking him pay. When he goes to see the gallery owner, and he is told flat out that he's not getting his money back, he is stunned into inaction: he simply can't deal with this kind of offhand callous treatment. You would think that as a psychiatrist - not to mention a man in his forties - he would have learned the basic lesson of the world, that you can't always get what you want and that life is not fair.

[Trollheart]

1.7 "Call Me Irresponsible"

Frasier takes a call from a guy called Marco, and when he realises the guy is not prepared to commit, that he admits he wants to "wait in case someone better comes along", advises him to terminate the relationship. Martin and Daphne are constructing a Christmas scene, even though it's only October: they want to take the photograph that will go on this year's Christmas card to their friends. When Marco's now ex-girlfriend comes to berate him for pushing the breakup he ends up going out with her. Niles is however aghast, saying that Frasier is breaking his ethical code: Marco was technically his patient and he's now dating his patient's girlfriend.

Things go from bad to worse as Marco returns to the air, annoyed that since he broke up with Catherine she is now going out with someone else. Frasier is shocked, and probably a little uneasy, to find that he's being stalked. Marco wants to get back with Catherine but Frasier counsels him against it, a point Niles picks up on when he gives him a lift from work. He challenges him to listen to his stomach: back when they were kids, any time Frasier got anywhere near a breach of his ethics he would feel sick, often throwing up. Of course Frasier scoffs but now the idea has been put in his head and things begin to take their course. When he tries to make love to Catherine he starts feeling sick. Try as he might, he can't shake the feeling, and when Catherine hears that he can't get intimate with her without getting sick, well, how do you think she feels?

The relationship is of course doomed, killed stone dead you could say by Niles but really it's Frasier's own lofty sense of ethics and his professional pride that have put him in this position. Which means, as far as Catherine is concerned, he won't be getting in any of them with her!

FAMILY

DAPHNE incorporating GRAMMY MOON

A character who we will never see (assume she's dead by now) but who has obviously been a huge influence on Daphne's life is her grandmother, affectionately known as Grammy Moon. We hear the first of her pearls of wisdom here, as Daphne tells the tale of how Grammy refused to believe her husband had died, as he used to sleep like the dead. When he did die, she just kept saying "He's napping, he's napping!"

DAPHNE (alone)

Interesting to note that even after this short time (seven episodes, not sure how long: maybe a year, less probably as this is their first Christmas card to feature her) Daphne has already become so much a part of the Crane family that there is absolutely no objection to her being in the family Christmas photo, nor does anyone even think of raising such. She may as well have always lived with them, she's so integrated into the unit now.

NILES

While Frasier reacts to breaches of his ethics via his stomach, it seems Niles too has a "failsafe system" hardwired into his persona. When he attempts to cross that line, he starts getting a nosebleed. Considering how many weird foibles will be uncovered concerning the younger Crane brother, this little idiosyncrasy will end up seeming almost trivial.

EDDIE

So much more than just a dog, Eddie was Martin's only companion when he lived alone, and though Frasier tried to prevent his moving in Martin would not hear of it, and now the dog is as much a part of the apartment as Daphne is. Like all the characters, he has his own little peculiarities too, the most annoying to Frasier of which we have seen, that he stares at the psychiatrist, which unnerves Frasier. Here we see that Martin tends to dress him up for the holidays, sticking a pair of false antlers on his head, and also that he thinks nothing of the dog drinking out of the toilet, when he remarks "Oh, he's just in the bathroom getting a drink."

QUOTES

Frasier, walking in as Martin and Daphne are singing Christmas carols, with the apartment done up like it is Christmas: "Excuse me: exactly how long have I been asleep?"

Frasier: "My producer tells me you want an autograph. Who should I make it out to?"
Catherine: "You disgust me, you parasitic fraud!"
Frasier: "Well, it's certainly different than the usual "best regards"!"

Catherine: "Are you telling me that the thought of making love to me makes you sick to your stomach?"
Frasier: "Yes, but don't take it personally."

Catherine: "Oh! To think I was going to have sex with you! And it was going to be hot! Oh like you've never had before! We're talking steamy, sweat dripping down your back, neighbours pounding on the walls, illegal in forty-eight states sex!"

Frasier: "How I envy you Eddie! The biggest questions you face are who's going to walk me? Who's going to feed me? I won't face that sort of joy for another forty years!"

Thanks for calling...

Bruno Kirby voices Marco
BUT
more importantly, Hank, whose only real contribution was to get cut off because he was on a seven-second delay and kept saying "Hello? Can you hear me?" is voiced by ... ta-ta-t-a-tahhhh! EDDIE VAN HALEN! Yeah, THE Eddie Van Halen! Score!

[Trollheart]

1.8: "Beloved Infidel"

Frasier and Niles, having dinner, are interested to see that their father is at the same restaurant, with a woman. As they watch covertly though, the woman breaks down and leaves. The date, if date it was, has not gone well. As Martin's dinner partner leaves the boys realise that they recognise her as Marion Lawler, a figure from their youth. They then also remember that their parents had a big falling-out with the Lawlers, and start to worry what that might have been about. Niles digs further and they uncover some further evidence which seems to point towards the possibility of their father having had an affair with this Lawler woman. Just then Martin walks in and under some duress seems to confess that yes, he did have an affair. He says he's not proud of it and asks them never to talk about it again.

Frasier seems crushed by the revelation. He has never had the sort of relationship with his dad that he might have liked, but he always respected his integrity. The truth though comes out when Marion Lawler comes to call, and tells him that it was in fact his mother who had an affair with her husband. Frasier realises that his father has been protecting his wife's honour. He tells Martin he now knows the truth, and reveals a truth about himself, that he too has been cuckolded. Martin finds it amazing that anyone could love Lilith, other than Frasier, but at least now the two men have finally something in common.

Note: Interestingly, it's not made clear as to whether Frasier passes on what he knows to his brother. Perhaps Niles still thinks it was their father who had the affair? Though as he seemed less broken up by it than Frasier was, maybe it's better left that way.


QUOTES
Niles: "Sorry I'm late Frasier, but the entrance to your parking garage was blocked by a cab driver with a ponytail scraping gum off his backseat."
Frasier (to Roz): "Madame, your chariot awaits!"

Frasier: "Well, we've got a free evening. Sounds like the perfect chance for a couple of guys on the loose to hit a sports bar, take in a game, sink a few brewskis!"
Niles: "Right. What shall we do?"
Frasier: "Dinner?"

Niles: "Oh no! I don't like this at all!"
Frasier: "Why? What's wrong?"
Niles: "I just realised: if dad's eating here it can't be a very good restaurant!"

Frasier (reading from Niles' journal): "Though summer at the lake seems but a vapid, vacuous experience, it is a necessary tonic for my troubled youth. Niles, how old were you when you wrote this?"
Niles: "Almost nine. Which explains the redundancy: vapid and vacuous. By ten my writing had become considerably tighter."
Frasier: "Along with a few other things."

Frasier: "You are not calling Aunt Vivian!"
Niles: "Why? Are you afraid you'll find out something?"
Frasier: "Yes! That she knows where I live and she still drives!"

Niles: "It's at times like this that families draw together, draw strength from each other. (Pause) What shall we do?"

Frasier (to Niles): "Doesn't it bother you that your father cheated on my mother?"


THE DRY WIT OF ROZ
Roz tells Frasier she has a date, but he notices she only has one shoe, asks if the other one got damaged. She returns with "No, I'm dating a sea captain with a peg-leg, and this makes it easier when we're dancing!" Zing!

When Niles drops in on the station he as usual doesn't recognise Roz. He asks her "What are you doing here?" to which she replies "Oh nothing! I was just passing by and thought I'd stop in for a career!" He doesn't get it though, as he grins "Good luck!"

FAMILY
Well it kind of concerns all the Cranes, this one. We learn in a roundabout way that Hester, Martin's wife and mother of Frasier and Niles, had an affair when she was younger, and that Martin, rather than sully her memory for the boys, when confronted with their detective work and its somewhat inescapable conclusions, takes the blame, pretending it was him who had the affair. This episode serves to show us a few things. One, that the boys, though they regularly laugh at their father's "ordinary joe" ways, love him and respect him, and the possibility of any impropriety on his part is completely alien to them. It also shows the depth of love and respect Martin had for his wife, that he is willing to let his children think that it was he who had the affair. Finally, it shows that, with their scientific and inquisitive nature, neither Frasier nor Niles can allow a mystery to go unsolved, even if it leads them into dark places. This trait will surface again later.

DAPHNE
We hear for the first time (I think) of Daphne's brothers, all of whom "worked down the docks" in Manchester, except for one, Billy, who decided to teach ballroom dancing. It's interesting to note that, straight-talking and hardnosed as she can be, facing realities head-on, Daphne is blissfully unable to see the simple truth that Billy is quite obviously gay, even if everyone else can. In matters of her family, or some of them at any rate, she is as blind as a bat.

NILES
More of the younger Crane's little quirks are revealed in this episode, and we see that some of them started when he was very young. He seems to have had some aversion to direct sunlight, a mortal fear of flying things like bats and moths, and wrote at age nine like an accomplished author of three times that age. He laughs when he reads what he has written, grinning that by the time he was ten his writing had improved considerably.

Thanks for calling...
Danielle, the frustrated French caller in the opening sequence, is voiced by JoBeth Williams.

1.9 "Selling Out"
New character! See below. Just don't say her name aloud three times...



Frasier is upset that he is being asked to promote a particular Chinese eatery on his show, so he asks his family for advice, and on that advice decides to take them to the restaurant, to see if he can truthfully say that he enjoys the food there. The night goes well and Frasier begins doing the promo, which results not only in the restaurant's client base improving but in his falling foul of a cut-throat agent who will over the course of several seasons take him through Hell and back. Ladies and gentlemen, pleased to meet her? Hope you guessed her name! It's Bebe Glaser, agent for Bob "Bulldog" Brisco, who has seen fresh meat in the shape of Frasier and wishes to become his agent.

Although Frasier resists her advances she presses him, citing the rising cost of college tuition when she hears about Frederick. And so begins a marriage forged in the fires of Hell, as Frasier advertises everything he's asked to. He does however cling to his ethics, insisting on testing everything he endorses to ensure he likes it. This leads to problems when Bebe secures a TV ad for a certain brand of nuts, and apart from the fact that he does not like nuts, Frasier points out that they're unhealthy and bad for you, and as a doctor he cannot endorse this product. Greed wins out though, and before he knows what's happening Frasier finds himself in a TV studio, preparing for the ad. Then he sees the script and does not like it. He's getting less comfortable with it by the minute.

Having spoken to Niles, he decides against doing the ad and his place is taken by Dr. Joyce Brothers, playing herself.


QUOTES
Frasier: "Roger, at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of equipment known as the tunnelling electron microscope. Now this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesemally minute building block of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem!"

Daphne: "What about Doctor Sneezy's cold remedy?"
Frasier: "Doctor Sneezy is a cartoon character. The fact that he's a giant purple hippopotamus should have tipped you off!"

Frasier: "I don't know: what's the word I'm looking for?"
Bebe: "What word? Tuition? Beachhouse retirement?"

EGGHEAD
Professing that he wants no special treatment at the Chinese restaurant, Frasier decides to book under a false name. However when he can't get the table he wants he mentions who he is, and suddenly doors open. Despite his wanting to appear ethical and not trade on his name, he's prepared to drop that line once it no longer fits in with his plans. His ethics are, at least in this case, and in others which will crop up, somewhat malleable and open to negotiation.

THE DRY WIT OF ROZ
When Frasier congratulates himself over using "have you a yen for Chinese food?" as a pun, she is quick to point out that Yen is the Japanese currency, so his analogy is inaccurate at best, insulting at worst.

FAMILY
DAPHNE
Here we learn that in her youth the fiesty care worker once starred in a British TV sitcom - quite popular in its day, perhaps you've heard of it? Mind Your Knickers? No? Probably just as well.

MARTIN
Although sometimes he will, most times Martin will not try to sway Frasier's opinion or decision - or Niles' - and here he seems to stay out of it, but at the end you can see he's relieved that his son has not sold out by advertising something he not only does not believe in, but has actively advised against. He tells Frasier that Frederick will thank him, and though we're led to believe he did do the advert, it turns out that Martin is saying Frasier's son will thank him for retaining his integrity and providing a good example.

NILES
Whether it's pique, jealousy or an honest opinion of his brother, Niles makes no bones about the fact that he does not think that what Frasier does is real psychiatry. At best it is "pop medicine", at worst showmanship and sensationalism. He compares him to Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, telling Frasier that "they've already looked up your skirt and seen everything there is to see." This somewhat childish attitude towards his brother's profession will continue on through the series, as he believes himself a "proper" psychiatrist compared to Frasier's radio talk show host version.

Thanks for calling...
Roger, the caller for whom even the electron microscope would not be powerful enough to locate Frasier's interest in his problem, is voiced by Carl Reiner.

1.10 "Oops!"

Rumours abound at the station that KACL is way over budget and someone is for the chop. Roz reasons that it may be Bulldog, and when Frasier repeats this possibilty back to Father Mike, who has been worried about his own show, as fact, Bulldog just happens to be listening. He rushes off to give the station manager a piece of his mind - "He can't fire me! I'll quit!" - but Roz is aghast, telling Frasier that he took her gossip as the truth and that, surprise, surprise, she was wrong! The meeting Bulldog is meant to be going to with the station manager is to discuss taking his show nationwide! Far from being fired, he's basically to be promoted!

But by the time Frasier gets to the manager's secretary it's too late: Bulldog has let loose and there is no coming back. When Frasier gets home Martin asks him what happened to Bulldog? He tuned into the sports show but Bulldog wasn't there. Frasier, embarrassed, tells his father that Bulldog quit but avoids the fact that it was his fault. Daphne, however, says she detects "an aura of guilt" around him and he has to come clean. Martin is furious and tells Frasier he must get Bulldog's job back: he's not listening to Father Mike on the sports show every day!

Frasier puts forward the theory that maybe this could be the best thing that happened to Bulldog, push him to realise his dreams. Just then Bulldog appears at the door, telling them that not only has he lost his job, but his girlfriend kicked him out and Bulldog has no home now. Frasier puts him up for the night and the next morning goes to see Miller, the station manager, renowned for his bad temper and lack of people skills. Miller agrees they need Bulldog's ratings, so if the little guy will apologise he'll give him his job back. However...

Turns out there is someone still for the chopping block, and it's Frasier himself! But before Miller can make this official he gets a call to say that he has been fired, so Frasier's job is safe. Frasier can barely contain his smugness when Miller snaps "God I wish I'd fired you when I had the chance!"

QUOTES
Niles: "I must go. I'm conducting a seminar on multiple personality disorders, and it takes me forever to fill out the name tags!"

Bulldog: "Hey! Where are my tickets to the Sonics game? Someone stole my tickets to the Sonics game! This stinks! This is total BS! This -" (Reaches into his coat pocket) "Oh! Got 'em!"

Bulldog: "I did it! I even told him about the time his wife came on to me at the Christmas party! I said there ain't enough liquor in the world to make me sleep with that porker!"

Roz: "The whole point of gossip is to talk behind the man's back, not in front of him! I didn't realise you were unclear on this concept!"

Niles: "I have to go. Maris is despodent: they kicked her out of the cast of Cats."
Daphne: "Why?"
Niles: "She couldn't remember the words to "Memory"."

Miller: "He said that I'm a drunk, I'm incompetent. That my wife is a big fat slut!"
Frasier: "That is indefensible! Your wife is not overweight!"

FAMILY
MARTIN
Honour has always been a watchword for the Crane family, at least as far as their father is concerned, so when he discovers that not only is his son responsible for getting his favourite radio personality fired, but that Frasier intends to do nothing about it and will not admit he is to blame when Bulldog comes by, he makes sure that Frasier does the right thing. As we saw in "I Hate Frasier Crane", Martin expects his sons to stand up and act like men, whether that is taking on a bully, keeping their word or putting right something for which they are responsible. Maybe it comes from being a cop, or maybe it's just how his family have always been, but Martin Crane despises few things as much as cowards and hypocrites.

Thanks for calling...
Don, the caller who can't undrestand why he can't lose weight and is calling from a fast-food drive-in, is voiced by the one and only Jay Leno.

1.11 "Death Becomes Him"

The boys and Daphne are worried that Martin has swerved his latest examination, and wonder if there's something the old guy isn't telling them? But it seems he just doesn't like his own doctor, so Frasier makes an appointment with him with a new one, and to make sure he keeps the appointment accompanies him there. However they are left waiting and Fraiser is annoyed, until he discovers that the reason the doctor has not arrived at work is because he has died.

Frasier immediately begins to obssess about his own health. The doctor was close to his own age, and Frasier now worries that the same thing could happen to him.  After going through the ritual of setting his affairs in order, he determines to go to the funeral and find out all he can about the man. But try as he might he can find no reason for the doctor's death: he was a health freak, exercised, ate well, had no underlying condition or history of ill health in his family, didn't smoke or drink coffee. Frasier is totally frustrated, however he comes to realise that his time would be better spent at the wake by trying to help his widow understand why her husband has died.

QUOTES
Martin: "She? Oh no! If any doctor's gonna make me bend over I wanna look through my legs and see wingtips!"

Frasier: "Dad! What if I die tomorrow and you and Niles have an argument over ..." (Looks around) "that African mask, for instance?"
Martin: "It'll never happen. Niles, you can have it."
Niles: "I don't want it!"
Daphne: "Don't look at me: I throw a towel over that thing when you're not home!"

Daphne: "I'm a healthcare provider. I've had me fair share of patients die on me."
Martin: "That's a comfort!"

Martin: "Frasier, you've got something on your bathrobe."
Frasier (finding a sticker): "Niles! The vultures are circling..."

Frasier: "You can't spend your life being obssessed by death."
Mrs Newman: "You're not Jewish, are you?"

THE DRY WIT OF ROZ
"Well, just because you're 41 and I'm ... not"

Frasier: "Roz, why is it that whenever we try to have a serious discussion we end up talking about your sex life?"
Roz: "Because I have one!"

COP TALES
A new section where I'll recount some of Martin's stories about his time with the Seattle Police.

Here, he talks about a drug bust he was on during which the first guy through the door got shot dead. He worried about it, it having been the first time one his buddies had died in front of his eyes. It affected his work, his home life and he knew he had to get over it or he never would. He decided that every door in future he would just go right through it, not even thinking. Unfortunately, the next door he went though was the one where he got shot, which kind of spoils the story!

[Trollheart]

1.12 "Miracle on Third or Fourth Street"

It's Christmas and Frasier is looking forward to seeing his son for the first time in years. Unfortunately it doesn't happen as a better opportunity comes up and Freddie's going to Austria instead. Frasier flies into a sulk, then a rage and refuses to go up to the log cabin to which all four of them - Niles, Maris, Martin and Frasier - were supposed to be going to spend Christmas. He decides to oblige Bulldog, who had asked him to take his slot on Christmas Day, but of course only the loneliest, saddest people are listening to the radio at such a time, and he just gets more depressed.

After the show he goes for something to eat, but the only place he can find that's open or not booked out is a greasy spoon, where he makes friends with some homeless guys. He finishes his meal and goes to leave, then discovers to his embarrassment that he has left his wallet back at the station, but the homeless guys all club together to help him out, thinking he is one of them. It's the selfless outpouring of human kindness that he's been waiting for, looking for, hoping for all day. His own personal little Christmas miracle. Even if he is humiliated in the process.

QUOTES
Frasier: "Niles! What brings you here?"
Niles: "Oh I just dropped by to ask Daphne's opinion on a little present I got for Maris."
(Daphne emerges from her room, clad in a short, skintight dress and twirls.)
Daphne: "It's a bit tight under the arms. Shall I put back on the little red one so you can make your choice?"
Frasier (witheringly): "I think Niles has all the information he needs."
Daphne: "Fair enough." (Returns to her room, Niles watching her retreating behind longingly.)
Niles (defensively): "You know, Daphne and Maris are about the same size."
Frasier: "Give or take a foot!"

THE DRY WIT OF ROZ
Bulldog: "You can tell Father Mike has had a few: he's trying to get everyone to re-enact the Nativity scene!"
Roz: "Well, we know who we can get to play the ass!"

THANKS FOR CALLING...
Rosemary Clooney plays Gladys and Mel Brooks voices Tom. Who voices Barry, who does little but cry on his call, I don't know. Oh wait: yes I do. It's Ben Stiller. Well, if I had as little acting talent as him I'd cry too. Also features Dominick Dunne as Jeff and Eric Stolz as Don.

1.13 "Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast?"

Frasier is a little embarrassed to find that his father's date stayed over from the previous night, but once he's got past that (and made a show of himself in front of Elaine) he is happy for his dad. Unfortunately he says so on the air, using names which was totally inappropriate. His father is not happy with his personal laundry being aired in public, and Elaine is so embarrassed that she won't see Martin, so Frasier has to try to make it better. He goes on-air and asks Elaine to talk to his father, tells her he misses her and she should not hold Martin responsible for Frasier's mistake. He sets up a special romantic dinner in his apartment, hoping Elaine will come.

It backfires though, as everyone else in the building has heard the broadcast and thinking it the most romantic thing in the world, treat it as some sort of soap opera and further embarrass poor Elaine. It's up to Martin to try to convince her to give it another go.

QUOTES
Maryann: "Kids! You can't live with 'em, you can't shove 'em back in the womb!"

Frasier: "I need you to take dad out on Friday night."
Niles: "Oh! I wish you had said Saturday."
Frasier: "You have plans on Friday?"
Niles: "No, I have plans on Saturday."

Frasier: "Oh Niles! Nobody refers to sex as "getting lucky" any more!"
Niles: "I do."

THANKS FOR CALLING

Piper Laurie as Maryann, Elijah Wood as Ethan and Henry Mancini as Al

CHILDHOOD REVISITED
One of the endearing things about "Frasier" is that although the main character and his brother are grown men, references are often made to their growing up, and their father can, with a word or a gesture often make them feel like little kids again. It's quite funny to see these two forty-year olds argue like children and be verbally slapped down by Martin, showing us that no matter how old they get in years, Frasier and Niles are at heart still two bickering little boys. It's also heartening to see the effect a well-chosen word from their father can have on these two grown and professional men.

Here, Frasier is made to feel the naughty kid twice. When he returns to the apartment after having spoken about his father's private affairs on air, Martin tells him he wants a word with him and calls him "mister", obviously an epithet that evokes times when he was in trouble in Frasier's mind, as he grins "Sounds like someone's being taken out behind the woodshed!" to which Martin snaps "Don't tempt me!"

But far more effective is the closing scenes when Martin, tired of his son interfering in his life, orders him to face the wall. And he does. It's clear that no matter how old Frasier - or Niles - get, they're still as respectful and in some ways fearful of their old man, to the point where they can still get an earbashing or a ticking-off. It's also interesting that Martin can still picture his sons, even dressed in Armani and driving BMWs, as the little kids he helped his wife raise decades ago. At times, Frasier and Niles will always be his little boys.

1.14 "Can't Buy Me Love"
Against his better judgement, Frasier has agreed to participate in a Batchelors' Auction for charity, as a favour to his dad. Bulldog has also agreed. Luckily, Frasier has been bought by a total babe and he is most happy. Bulldog has been bought by ... Daphne! She had started bidding when the action slowed and is now aghast to find that her bid was the only one, so she is stuck with him. Frasier makes an arrangement to meet Christina, his new "owner", but it turns out that she has been called to a shoot - she's a model, of course! - at the last moment and asks him if he could babysit her daughter. Left with no choice Frasier agrees.

Things do not go well. Frasier is not good with children and Renata is a typical product of the modern world, spending all her time on the phone to her friends, sulking and throwing cheetos to Eddie. She then starts badmouthing her mother, telling Frasier that she is a bad parent who hates her, which surprisingly, considering he's talking to a child who is annoyed at having been left with a man she does not know, Frasier believes.  Bulldog seems to have met his match in Daphne, who is totally squiffy and gets him involved in a fight with a much bigger man.

When Frasier - again, how can he be so stupid? - confronts Christina about her qualfications for motherhood it of course transpires that Renata was lying, and nothing she said is true. Frasier though, in choosing to blindly believe the little girl - why? - has scuppered any chances of having a romantic night with the woman, who stalks off, highly affronted, and well she might be.

QUOTES
Daphne: "Why does Maris take the train? Why doesn't she fly to Chicago?"
Niles: "She won't fly, ever since that harrowing incident."
Daphne: "Oh dear! Did the plane nearly crash?"
Niles: "No. She was bumped down from First Class. She still wakes up screaming."

Martin (as Frasier prepares to enter the Bachelors Auction): "Relax willya?"
Frasier: "That's easy for you to say! You're not the one jumping into the rottweiler pit with a pork chop around your neck!"

TJ (Staggering back from having been in the auction): "It was horrible! They're like sharks out there, a feeding frenzy! The one who bought me had a crazy look in her eye!" (Enter Roz, looking hungry)
Roz: "Where do I pay?"

Frasier: "Child development is not my thing. My area of expertise is adult relations."
Christina: "Well, you won't be having any of those tonight!"

Christina: "Oh, and I only have one kidney: guess who has the other one?"

As there are no scenes in the station this episode we have no guest callers to mention.

EGGHEAD
I've alluded to it above but really, come on! Frasier can't be that gullible. A twelve-year old moody girl who has been, as she sees it, dumped by her mother with an unknown man, tells him pretty horrible things about that mother and Frasier, a perfectly well-balanced and intelligent and experienced individual - not to mention a practicing psychiatrist! - believes her without a shred of proof? He doesn't even ASK Christina, even in some oblique way (asking to see her alleged tattoo would be a start, or how old the child is) to try to suss out the truth before he blunders right in and accuses her of being a bad mother! Are we really supposed to believe that a man so well used to dealing with the human heart and mind could honestly make such a mistake, which ends up costing him not only his evening, but potentially a real relationship?

[Trollheart]

1.15 "You Can't Tell a Crook By His Cover"

Frasier and his dad have a bet to see if he can spot an ex-con among three visitors Martin is having over for poker. However despite his vaunted prowess he is unable to determine who the ex-convict is. Things take something of a turn for the worse though when it emerges that Jimmy, that rather nice shy guy who turns out to be the one who spent time behind bars has asked Daphne out. Martin forbids her, but of course he's not her father so he can't do that, and Daphne makes up her own mind to go. When Niles find out about her date he is determined to rescue her and so he and Frasier end up at a seedy pool hall where, surprise, surprise, Daphne is holding her own, being something of a pool shark and making quite a name for herself. Jimmy has long been sent packing.

On the way out though, as they try to avoid Daphne who is returning from the ladies, they bump into one of the toughs there and spoil his shot. He demands two hundred dollars, and when neither have the money on them he decides to "take them out the back". Seeing what's happening, Daphne convinces him to make a wager with her for the money the guys owe, and with 200 dollars plus their very health resting on one shot of the pool cue, Frasier and Niles look on anxiously as Daphne measures up. She almost pulls it off, but misses one ball, leaving the trio no option but to leg it and bar the door with Daphne's pool cue.

QUOTES
Frasier: "Are you forgetting that I graduated from Harvard?"
Martin: "I know. I was at your graduation. Impressive bunch: a car backfired and half of them wet their gowns!"

Daphne: "I've made meatball sandwiches, pepperoni pizza and little sausages. Will you be needing anything else?"
Frasier: "The number of the nearest gastroenterologist!"

Frasier: "Don't you believe in second chances dad?"
Martin: "I did. Then we had Niles!"

MArtin: "Wow, Frasier! I may have underestimated you!"
Frasier: "Really?"
Martin: "Yeah. You're making a bigger jackass of yourself than I thought!"

Frasier: "That would have been a very dramatic exit, if only her room were down that hall."

Niles: "Don't you dare call me irrational! You know that makes me crazy!"

Niles: "Has a young woman been in here this evening, approximately five feet nine and three quarter inches, with skin the colour of Devonshire cream and the sort of eyes that gaze into one's soul with neither artifice nor evasion?"

FAMILY
DAPHNE
It's quite touching, again, to see the respect and regard Martin has for his healthcare worker. She might as well be his daughter, the way he protectively tells her she may not go out with Jimmy. He probably doesn't even feel he's overreaching his boundaries here, though Frasier is a bit more sanguine. Still, they argue back and forth - "I say she's not going!" "Well I say she is!" etc - before Daphne reminds them in no uncertain terms that neither has any claim or authority over her. It must be gratifying to her though, when she thinks about it later, that the two men think so much of her that they would try to stop her going on a date in case she got hurt.

EGGHEAD
Frasier and Niles find themselves in a place that would be the bane of any of the intelligensia, the pool hall. They don't stand out at all, of course, in their designer overcoats, flash cologne and rich man ties. There's a deathly silence when they walk in, as if the pack have just scented blood in the air. It's clear there's a sense that juicy prey has just walked in. Niles even makes a flip comment about the type of "clientele" he (correctly) believes frequent the bar, and why he would not be expected to bring large sums of money into such a place. He also tells Frasier with a real note of snobbery that he is "something of a squalor buff" - bet that goes down well to anyone who overhears it!

The guys must feel like they're back in high school, the nerds walking into the lair of the jocks, every eye riveted on them, every balled fist destined for their stomachs or chins, and yet you have to admire their courage, braving the dragon to rescue the fair maiden. Not that the maiden needs rescuing, but they didn't know that when they went. Despite everything else you can accuse them of, neither Frasier nor his brother (especially his brother in the case of Daphne Moon) will stand idly by while a lady's honour is in jeopardy. Ah, bless!

(Again, no guest callers as this becomes the second consecutive episode not to feature the radio station. Well, there's an early scene there yes, but no on-air stuff)

1.16 "The Show Where Lilith Comes Back"

Frasier is amazed to find one of his on-air callers is his ex-wife, Lilith, and he is manouevred into asking her to dinner. Then it turns out that she has made an excuse about being in town for a convention, when in fact she has found a letter Frasier left in her apartment n which he proposes getting back together. She thinks he wrote it a month ago, but in fact he has to tell her it was over a year ago, before he even moved to Seattle. She has come out to his city on a false premise. She leaves, humiliated.

But when she has left, Frasier begins to think about what he wrote, and wonder if he should perhaps give it another try. One thing leads to another and they end up in bed, but afterwards Frasier has second thoughts and considers the whole thing a bad idea. Lilith is crushed, not so much by his rejection but by her stupidity in allowing herself to give in to her  desire for companionship. But even though the idea of the two of them getting back together is a bad one, and they both agree it is, Frasier still has kind words for his ex-wife, showing that on some level he still loves her, and always will.

QUOTES
Lilith: "I love your apartment, Frasier. You have some wonderful things."
Frasier: "The settlement is final, Lilith!"

Lilith (to Eddie): "Go away!" (He does).
Frasier: "Why does he listen to you and not me?"
Lilith: "By the tone of my voice he knows I mean business."
Frasier: "Oh I see. So you're saying you have a better tone of command than me?"
Martin: "Hell, I took half a step before I realised she was talking to the dog!"

Lilith: "This is a mistake."
Frasier: "Oh thank God you said that! I mean, it's not like last night wasnt wonderful but who are we kidding? I've got on with my career, you've got on with yours, I've re-established realtionships with my family, I've got a whole new set of friends. For the first time in years I'm happy. For us to even consider getting back together it's just the stupidest thing two people could do!"
Lilith: "I meant the eggs. I ordered poached, not fried!"

THANKS FOR CALLING
Hank, the obese guy who can't get his weight under control, is played by Timothy Leary. Maybe it's all that Holsten Pils? Come on: some of you have to be old enough to get that reference? "All the sugar turns to alcohol?" Ah, I give up!

FAMILY
DAPHNE
Daphne's psychic powers come to the fore this episode, when she gets blinding headaches which she attributes to "dark forces" and "the ripping of the continuum" (sounds like an episode of Doctor Who!), the source of course being the arrival of Lilith. When she shakes her hand she remarks that she lost all feeling in her arm, and when she innocently enquires how long Frasier's ex-wife will be staying in Seattle and is told over the weekend, she mutters "I'll be dead by Saturday!"

MARTIN
Not that anyone likes her, but Martin's aversion to Lilith borders on his being scared of, or repulsed by her. He even has good things to say about Maris. Well, he says she's "odd" compared to Lilith being "weird". It's clear that he's glad Frasier divorced her, though throughout the series from time to time the fear that they might get back together will give him cold, sleepless nights.

NILES
Although Lilith could of course be featured in this section on her own, she's rarely in the show and it's really more interesting how the main characters respond to her, as in the case of Niles, who has an ongoing feud with her (well, he won't talk to her, which is about as aggressive as Niles gets) over her sniggering at his and Maris's wedding vows. She reinforces this - possibly, probably deliberately - by referring to them again while she is at Frasier's apartment. Niles declares he will compromise for his brother: he will be civil, but he refuses to be warm. When Lilith, professing surprise at how Niles took her reaction to the vows, offers a very cold and clinical apology, of sorts, Niles's response is totally disproportionate, as he hugs her and says how glad he is that this "bad blood" between them is over.

1.17 "A Midwinter Night's Dream"

Niles's infatuation with Daphne has finally convinced Frasier that all is not well at home, and he seeks for a way to "spice things up" between his brother and his wife.  Unfortunately his advice to Niles backfires and he ends up having to spend the night at Frasier's, having been thrown out by Maris who thought he was cheating on her. Long story. While kipping on the couch the unhappy Niles sees Daphne come in from her night with her new beau, Eric, which does nothing to improve his mood. What does though is when Daphne offers to help him cook the meal for Maris, as her chef has walked out in sympathy. Even better is when Daphne tells him that Eric has broken up with her.

A big storm is blowing and Maris rings to say she can't make it back. Things are spiralling out of control. Daphne, soaked through from the storm, changes into some sexy lingerie and Niles is having a hard time (!) controlling his urges. The power goes out, and they're left in a gothic mansion lit by candlelight in front of a roaring coal fire. Frasier, when he hears that Niles is alone with Daphne in the house, rushes to the rescue and Martin insists on coming with him.

Getting closer and more intimate with Daphne, as might be expected in such a setting, Niles is about to kiss her when suddenly the glockenspiel, which he sees as symbolic of his relationship with Maris - "It used to play such beautiful music, and now it doesn't any more. How's that for irony?" - begins working, and he takes it as a sign not to cheat on his wife. Also, Daphne has told him she feels so close to him but also safe, like he's a brother or something. Niles realises that, whatever feelings he has for Daphne, or thinks he has, he still loves his wife, and in any case he has no idea whether or not Daphne feels the same about him, so best not to venture into uncharted waters.


THE DRY WIT OF ROZ
Frasier: "What do you do when the romance goes out of a relationship?"
Roz: "I get dressed and go home!"

Roz: "Personally I think you'd make a very sexy gladiator."
Frasier: "Roz, this is not for me. It's for my brother, Niles."
Roz: "Oh in that case, make it a gladiola!"

QUOTES
Martin: "Ah blah blah blah! All Maris needs to know is that you love her. When she gets back buy her some flowers, fix her a nice dinner. That's enough to make any woman forgive you."
Niles: "You really think that would work?"
Martin: "If it didn't, you wouldn't be here!"

Daphne:"Now what do you think Mrs Crane would like to eat?"
Niiles: "Oh you have free rein. Just bear in mind she can't eat shellfish, red meat, poultry, saturated fats, nitrates, wheat, starch, sulphites, MSG or any dairy. Did I say nuts?"
Frasier: "Oh I think that's implied!"

Frasier: "It's a recipe for disaster! A vulnerable woman and an unstable man in a gothic mansion on a rainy night! All that's missing is someone shouting "Heathcliff!" across the moors!"

Daphne: "We're losing the fire, Dr Crane!"
Niles: "No we're not, Daphne! It's burning with the heat of a thousand suns!"

Daphne: "Dr Crane! Your glockenspiel has sprung to life!"
(Cue much hilarity as Niles looks downwards, then realises)
Niles: "Oh! The clock!"

(Another episode with no guest callers, although there is a short scene at the beginning in the radio station, but again no on-air material)

FAMILY
DAPHNE/NILES
Throughout the first few seasons there will always be this unanswered question about Niles and Daphne. It's clear Niles loves her, has been in love with her since the first time he saw her at Frasier's house, but at this point at any rate he is still in love with Maris. Despite her flaws and many foibles, and the seeming total lack of any intimacy in their relationship - wasn't it only an episode or two ago that he mentioned equating sex with getting lucky, literally? - Niles is not yet ready to throw away his marriage, particularly as he does not know if Daphne has feelings for him. This does not stop him from being hurt when she starts going out with Eric, the waiter from Cafe Nervosa, nor surely from feeling a little pang of guilty triumph when Eric dumps her. It's the classic case of "I can't have her but I don't want anyone else to". Or possibly he's just hoping she will remain single and available while he makes up his mind and susses out her feelings, if any, for him.

In any case, he's set more or less straight by her, as she tells him she feels so comfortable with him, and seems not to have any romantic aspirations towards him. Indeed, after Niles has professed/realised his love for Maris is still strong despite everything, she rounds on Frasier for even suggesting that something inappropriate could happen between the two. Surely then Niles must take this as a sign that she is not interested in him in that way? It must be an odd feeling: the double-whammy of suddenly realising you love your wife while at the same time also discovering that the woman you thought or believed you loved or were falling in love with, does not love you, does not even see you in that light.

Just as well he's a psychiatrist, or he might be visiting one!

[Trollheart]

1.18 "And the Whimper Is..."

It's time for the nominations for the annual Seabee awards, radio's equivalent of the Oscars, at least in Seattle, and though Frasier pretends an aloof indifference he is desperate that their show be nominated. He is therefore delighted when Bebe brings him the news that he has in fact got the nomination. He is however less pleased when he sees that a rival for the nomination has taken out a full-page ad in one of the radio magazines, hoping to tip the balance. Responding to this, Frasier decides to go one better and send gifts to the committee responsible for the awards, but Martin draws the line here, telling him it's bribery.

It doesn't stop Frasier and Roz though, who really want the award. And it seems to be working, when they get to the ceremony. All the judges are coming up to them thanking them for the gift. Roz has not been so lucky. Hunky Brad McNamara, whom Roz was all excited over having her first date with, is unable to attend and so at the last minute the only date she could secure was Noel. Yeah, Noel: the boring, pathetic nerd who seems to think, against all the evidence, that he is a catch. Frasier is approached by Fletcher Gray, and old broadcaster who has been nominated for the award eleven times, but never won. He introduces them to his mother, who has flown in for the event. As she has for the last eleven years. Frasier begins to feel a little uncomfortable. He even floats the idea of not accepting the award, as this is to be Gray's last year; he is retiring .

Roz is not amused, but they needn't have worried, as they don't win the award, and neither does Gray.

QUOTES
Niles: "And then she said she was seeing someone else. She couldn't keep living a lie. I was dumbfounded. I mean, what about everything we'd been through together? Didn't that mean anything?"
Frasier: "Niles, a patient has a right to change her therapist."

BB: "I bet you two had wicked little hairpulling fights when you were tots!"
(The odd thing is, she says it sarcastically, given the childish sniping between the Crane brothers that we've all come to know, but both Niles and Frasier self-consciously run their fingers through their hair!)

Frasier (reading the ad): "Well this is nothing short of shameful self-promotion!"
Roz: "I know. What are we going to put in our ad?"

Frasier (when he learns the fabled Brad McNamara is not after all going to be escorting Roz): "I thought you were bringing Brad McNamara?"
Roz: "I was. He got called out on a story at the last minute. Some hospital went up in flames. Do you know anyone who has worse luck than I do?"

Frasier: "Niles, where's Maris?"
Niles: "Well, we were just leaving the house when she caught a glimpse of herself in the hall mirror..."
Frasier: "Niles, at the end of this story am I going to roll my eyes?"
Niles: "I did."
Frasier: "Then just skip it."

Bebe: "If I were twenty years younger they couldn't keep me away from you!"
Martin: "That's why I keep this cane!"

Roz (after Frasier has floated the idea of not accepting the award if they win it, and letting Fletcher Gray have it instead): "Listen Frasier! I have waited ten years to get this award, and if I have to crawl over Fletcher Gray's mother to do it, I will!"

Frasier: "If we win this thing they're gonna lynch us!"
Roz: "So what? At least everyone will see my dress!"

EGGHEAD
Anxious to prove he knows everything about wines and champagnes, and to demonstrate his breeding, Frasier holds the champagne bottle and tells Martin and Daphne that there is a "proper way to open a bottle of champagne, especially a fine French one, at $200 a bottle!" Apparently you're supposed not to pull the cork out but hold the cork and give the bottle three twists. Unfortunately, as he counts "one!" the cork flies out, ricocheting around the room as champagne corks do, and causing the expensive wine to spurt everywhere. Eddie is happy though, as he gets to lick some off the table!

THE DRY WIT OF ROZ
Having secured for her date to the awards the escort of one of the most desirable men in broadcasting, apparently, Brad McNamara, Roz is delighted when Daphne congratulates her at the door of Frasier's apartment:
"Thanks", she says. "Brad McNamara!" Frasier intervenes, saying that he thinks Daphne is offering her congratulations because of their nomination, but Daphne says no, it's for bagging Brad! Shortly afterwards Daphne makes an empowering speech, but Roz rather spoils the moment when she reverts to type:
Daphne: "Well I must say it's great to see a woman succeeding in a male dominated business like broadcasting. Well done Roz. You're a credit to our gender."
Roz: "Thanks. Oh that reminds me: do you have a push-up bra I could borrow?"

1.19 "Give Him the Chair"
   
Fed up with the eyesore of Martin's split-pea-green recliner ruining the effect of his sumptuous apartment, Frasier decides to get rid of it and buy his father a new chair. Martin of course does not play ball and so Frasier resignedly asks for his original chair, which he had requested be stored in his storage space (wherever that is), be returned. But there's a problem. Leo, the removal guy, is not exactly the sharpest tool in the box, and he has in fact taken it to the dumpster, where someone, as he so charmingly says, snagged it. Aghast, Martin glares at his son and Frasier must begin a chair hunt to track down the offensive item of furniture.

Luckily enough, Roz takes a call after Frasier's on-air appeal for anyone who might know its whereabouts, but unluckily for him its whereabouts happen to be in a school, who are at that moment rehearsing for the opening night of their amateur play. The schoolteacher will not allow him to take the chair as it is part of her props, but Frasier is able to strike a bargain with her when her star takes sick. As he played the part when he was younger, he will stand in and in return she will allow him to take the chair when the play is over.


QUOTES
Dr. Bruga: "You will give Roz my number?"
Frasier (archly): "Oh, I think Roz has your number!"

Frasier: "Niles. Whatever are you doing here?"
Niles: "I bought an emerald necklace for Maris and I needed somewhere to hide it."
Frasier: "Emeralds? May I see?"
Niles: "Not at the moment, no."
Frasier: "Why?"
Daphne: "It's down me blouse."
Frasier: "Well, I'm sure Maris will never think of looking for it there!"

Martin: "I just need a comfortable place to rest my fanny."
Frasier (under his breath): "How about Florida?"

Niles (in the vibrating massage recliner): "I never knew a chair could be this satisfying. I never knew anything could! I want it!"
Frasier: "Right Niles: I'm sure it will fit in perfectly with all of Maris's eighteenth century antiques!"
Niles: "Well then, I'll just rent it an apartment and visit it on the side!"

Frasier (annoyed at Eddie's barking): "What's the matter with him?"
Daphne: "He sees your father's chair is gone and he's afraid he's gone too. I think he suspects foul play!"
Frasier (to Eddie): "Oh stop it! If I had stuck my father's feet in a bucket of cement and thrown him into the Puget Sound, you'd be the tiny little splash that followed him!"

Martin: "I'll tell you the chair I want. I want the chair I was sitting in when I watched Neil Armstrong take his first step on the moon, and when the US hockey team beat the Russians in the '80 Olympics. I want the chair I was sitting in the night you called me to tell me I had a grandson. I want the chair I was in all those nights when your mother used to wake me up with a kiss all those nights I used to fall asleep in front of the television. You know, I still fall asleep in it. And every once in a while, when I wake up I still expect your mother to be there when I wake up, to lead me off to bed. "

Frasier (when Roz locates the chair): "Oh thank God! By tonight my father will be back in his beer-stained, flea-ridden, duct-taped armchair, adjusting his shorts with one hand and cheering on Jean-Claude Van Damme with the other. Yeah, it's quite the little piece of Heaven I've carved out for myself, isn't it?"

EGGHEAD
Frasier is less than impressed when, having unburdened himself to the schoolteacher in an effort to appeal to her heart and allow him to take the errant chair, he is accused of overacting and hamming it up, especially when the sentence is phrased in such a way as to make it seem like she was about to praise him and recommend her children follow his example. He's been taken down a peg. A whole peg!

FAMILY
MARTIN
Martin makes an impassioned speech about his chair, trying to explain to his son why he treasures it so. It's very effective, it's reproduced above, and apart from opening Frasier's eyes to a new side to his father, it also serves to remind the doctor that his father lives with him at his sufferance (and sometimes with a lot of emphasis on the "suffer"!) and that anything that makes him feel at home in Frasier's apartment should really be borne with good grace. It can't be easy, moving in with your son because you can't be trusted on your own, especially for an ex-cop.

THANKS FOR CALLING
Dr. Bruga, the frisky caller in the opening sequence, is played by Malcolm McDowell.

AND ISN'T THAT...?
The late Brittany Murphy is mentioned in the credits as "Olsen". I can only assume she was one of the schoolchildren, as I can see no Olsen anywhere else and there is a blonde girl, who looks a little like her, but she has no speaking role.

1.20 "Fortysomething"
   
Frasier is beginning to forget little things, as we all do when we reach that certain age - shut up! - and starts to worry. Like most of us in this situation - not me, I'm just boring and poor - he tries to recapture his youth. Martin shows him how he did it: buying a motorbike and dying his hair. But for Frasier, when a young shop assistant takes an interest in him, it's all he needs to convince himself he still has it, that he is not after all middle-aged. Martin however talks sense into him, pointing out that the girl is young enough to be his daughter.

Frasier's resolve is tested further though when Cary appears at the station, delivering the trousers he has bought and then asks him out. He manages to turn her down but later while talking to Niles he's reminded that if he goes out with Cary for the right reasons it should not matter about the age gap. Having been set straight he decides to take the bull by the horns and heads down to the mall the next day to talk to the girl. She however has had an epiphany of her own, and has decided that she should not go out with Frasier.

THE DRY WIT OF ROZ
Gaslighting Frasier, Roz pretends it's her birthday.
Roz: "So, are you going to say it, or are you going to make me wait till the end of the day?"
Frasier: "Say what?"
Roz: "Happy Birthday."
Frasier: "Oh it is not your birthday!" (Roz looks downcast) "Oh Roz! I'm sorry! Oh God! Let me take you out to lunch or something after work..."
Roz (grinning and jumping about): "You are so easy!"

After Bulldog has departed, in hot pursuit of Cary: "How pathetic!" Frasier agrees, then she says "I meant you!" He goes on to explain about the age gap and asks "If you see a beautiful young woman walking down the street with an old man, what do you think?" She grins and says "I think he must be rich." Then adds, "Then I try to make eye contact!"

QUOTES
Daphne: "I'm meeting the girls for darts and a couple of pints. Best to do it in that order: ask Blind Willie the bartender!"

Daphne: "I learned long ago there are three questions you never answer honestly: do you like me hair, do I look good in this and was it good for you too? Coming, Doctor Crane?"
Niles: "I'm sorry, I was somewhere else. It was a warm and friendly place..."

Bulldog (to Cary): "You look familiar. Didn't I let you pour a flaming tequila shooter down my throat at Sloppy Nick's at last year's Indy 500?"
Cary: "Um, no..."
Bulldog: "So what are you doing next Memorial Day?"
Frasier: "Bulldog, as certain as I am that any young lady in the world would like to set your face on fire, I believe Cary is here to see me."

Bulldog: "She wanted to go out with you! You didn't have to chase her, you didn't have to harass her. You didn't have to pay her!"
Frasier: "I'm sorry, I just don't think it would have been appropriate."
Bulldog: "So you're not going to go out with her? Maybe I can catch her at the elevator. I bet she's never gone out with a professional hockey player before."
Frasier: "Oh you never played professional hockey!"
Bulldog: "It's like we're from different planets!"

Frasier: "By the way, you were absolutely right."
Niles: "Ooh! I love to hear you say that!"

Frasier: "You see, the other day I was asked out by this twenty-two year old girl I met in a mall..."
Niles: "That is alarming."
Frasier: "Well, I turned her down..."
Niles: "No no. I meant that you were in a mall. Did anyone see you?"

EGGHEAD
Despite his usual self-congratulatory manner and his belief that he is better than most other people, Frasier does at least admit, when he goes to see Cary, that although she has ascribed to him virtues he has not got - she believed he was aware of her daddy issues and was just allowing her to come to her own realisation of same - he disabuses her of this notion by admitting, rather matter-of-factly, "Actually, I'm full of crap." He is dismayed to realise that he, a trained and very good psychiatrist, was unable to pick up on Cary's issues and had to be told about them. But it's a point for him, as he didn't allow her just to think he was all-seeing and all-knowing, and it's a rare humbling of the man that he for once realises he doesn't have all the answers, and is just after all a mere mortal like the rest of us.

FAMILY
MARTIN
When he sees that his son is thinking about chasing a 22-year old, Martin remembers his own midlife crisis and counsels his son against such attempts to regain his fading youth. He doesn't want Frasier making the same mistakes he did, and as he says himself, "You think being middle-aged is bad? Think about me: I have a son who's middle-aged!"

We also find - though we may have wished we hadn't - that as well as being a "ordinary Joe" when it comes to coffee and beer, Frasier's father is a man who does not suffer fancy underpants. When Daphne goes to choose some for him at the mall, he gives her strict instructions: "I want 'em white, I want 'em plain and I want boxers", he tells her, and is horrified when he sees her checking out some with a striped pattern, moving quickly to intercept her and steer her away from the offending articles.

THANKS FOR CALLING
Rachel, the caller in the opening scene, is played by country superstar Reba McEntire.

[Trollheart]

1.21 "Travels with Martin"
   
Frasier is planning his vacation, a chance to be away from his father and his dog for a week. When he hears how well Roz and her mother are getting on though, he reconsiders and offers Martin the chance to go anywhere with him on holiday. Martin chooses to see America, which is fine with Frasier until he realises his father wants to see it from the window of a Winnebago, a kind of motor home popular in America. Frasier had envisioned staying in five-star hotels, now he will be crammed into a motor home and have to sleep there too. It's not the holiday he had envisioned. He tries to convince Niles to help him by coming along, but his brother is adamant he will not be joining them ... until he hears that Daphne is also going!

Martin has planned to see Mount Rushmore, but Frasier, inspired by Daphne's devil-may-care attitude and "fresh pair of knickers" speech (see below) decides to throw caution to the wind and just drive, and see where they end up.

They end up in Canada.

Which is not good news for Daphne, whose visa only allows her to be in the United States. Moving outside its borders is a violation of her stay and could get her deported. Frasier of course did not do this on purpose; he simply forgot - or was not even aware - about her restrictions. But as they try to re-enter the US, after being told by Martin to act normal, everyone is on edge and the border crossing guard becomes suspicious. To throw him off, Martin "admits" that it's Eddie who's the cause of their unease; that he is afraid the guard will think he is not native to the US . But he shows him a picture of the dog by the Space Needle, "accidentally" also displaying his badge, which gets him a pass when the guard realises he is talking to a retired cop.

The dry wit of Roz
Asked abut his vacation, Frasier tells Roz he is "planning to leave my father and Eddie to fend for themselves while I spend an obscene amount of money on myself." When he then asks her what she's doing for her holiday, she replies "Oh I'm taking my mother to Ireland, to stay in the sod house where her mother was born." Frasier archly responds "Why don't you just write the words "bad son" on my forehead?"

A moment later she qualifies: "Oh there is nothing wrong with pampering yourself! After all, you do work three hours a day!"

QUOTES
Frasier: "If dad and I get into a Winnebago only one of us is coming out alive! You've got to come with us!"
Niles: "Frasier, you're my brother, and that entitles you to my bone marrow and one of my kidneys. But this is an imposition!"

Frasier: "I remember a car trip we took when I was nine, from Seattle to Spokane. The only thing he said to me on the trip was 'I think we got a problem with your brother Frasier'!"

Niles: "I am not a Winnebago guy! Whenever I see one I look into the eyes of the driver, hoping to see something that would explain why in God's name anyone would do such a thing. All I ever see is a death stare looking out from under the brim of a hat made out of Miller Light cans!"

Daphne: "You've certainly got this holiday well planned out Mr. Crane! Whenever I take a holiday I just grab a fresh pair of knickers and see where the wind takes me!"

Frasier: "We are on the road less travelled! From now on, we dance to the rhythm of the road!"
(In other words, they're lost!)

Frasier (at the wheel, as they approach the border back into the USA): "They're waving us through! They're waving us through! They're pulling us over ... they're pulling us over...!"

Daphne: "It's too late to turn back. I say we make a run for it."
Frasier: "Oh great idea! A high speed chase in an eight-ton motor home! That'll make an amusing anecdote for the Border Guard Newsletter!"

FAMILY

We learn in this episode that Martin when younger was always obsessed with covering a certain amount of ground a day when on holidays or road trips. His two children would be in the backseats with sick bags - well, a mayonnaise jar! - and as Niles describes it , two tiny hostages. He says that the fact that their father drove so fast meant they couldn't see anything discernible out of the window. "I was thirteen", he moans, "before I realised cows weren't blurry!"

Martin confides to Frasier that he can't help it, but every time they're together he can't think of anything to say. It's not hard to understand why: they share no common interests. Martin is all about sports and the guys down at McGinty's, and the television, whereas Frasier is an opera buff who wouldn't be seen dead in a pub and has no real interest in television, preferring instead to read. There must be a sense of regret that Martin has so little in common with either of his sons, which is probably why he takes to Daphne so well, she being more as it were on his level. Of course this doesn't mean he doesn't love his sons, he just must wish they took after him a little more.

1.22 "Author! Author!"
   
Frasier is pressured into writing a book with Niles about sibling relationships. His publisher thinks that the insight they can gain from both being psychiatrists would make for a great book, and though Frasier is dubious at first he warms to the idea, realising that he can get much of the material from callers to his show. However, as with all siblings the rivalry gets in the way; Frasier and Niles dither over the construction of the book, leading to their sequestering themselves in a hotel for the weekend, with a deadline to meet.

This of course does not work, as the rivalries between the two, never far from the surface, bubble up and they end up having a fight when inspiration deserts them. In the end, they admit that there is no way they're ever going to work together, and abandon the idea for the book.

QUOTES
Niles/Frasier (Singing from their operetta): "For some boys go to college, but we think they're all wussies. Cos they get all the knowledge, and we get all the oopa-doompa-doompa-dommpita..."

Niles: "You know, we have to approach this book from a totally different angle to all our writings, dissertations, theses..."
Frasier: "Yes that's right: this has to be interesting!"

Frasier: "Niles? Is there a lightbulb over my head?"
Niles: "You have an idea?"
Frasier: "No, I'm asking you if there is an actual lightbulb over my head! Of course I have an idea!"

Niles: "So what you're suggesting is that we exploit your listeners for our own financial gain?"
Frasier: "In essence, yes. What do you think?"
Niles: "I think it's borderline sleazy. Let's go for it!"

Niles (on the radio): "Helooo Emerald City! What's doin', what's happenin'?"
Frasier (cutting off mike): "What the hell are you doing?"
Niles: "My radio persona. Every great radio personality has one."
Frasier: "I don't."
Niles: "My point exactly."

Frasier: "Niles, I would shave my head for you."
Niles: "A gesture that becomes less significant with each passing year."

And isn't that....?
The editor who asks them to write the book, Sam Tanaka, is played by famous actor Mako.

Thanks for calling
Guest caller Laura is voiced by Christine Lahti, actress famed for her roles in Chicago Hope and Law and Order: SVU.

Cop Stories
Although he later admits to Daphne that he made up the story, Martin's tale of a partner he fell out with after a stakeout is something that could have happened. Having got on each other's nerves during the stakeout Gus, the alleged partner, requested a transfer and Martin was not sorry to see him go. Some months later Gus was stabbed in the line of duty and though Martin rushed to the hospital he was too late. Something eerily similar happens in a later season, showing that perhaps, although this story was concocted, Martin was drawing on personal experience. As he says to Daphne, "At least there's one good writer in this family!"

FAMILY
Niles and Frasier
Nowhere to date have we seen the rivalry between the two brothers displayed as well as when they lock themselves into a hotel for the weekend, trying to write their book, or at least the first few chapters, which Sam Tanaka, their editor, needs for Reader's Digest, which is interested in serialising it. The ideas of each - such as they are - are shot down and scorn is heaped upon one by the other, until eventually all the bottled up tension bursts to the surface like an erupting volcano and the two Crane boys go at it. Niles accuses Frasier of being first at everything - he became a psychiatrist first, got married first, had his own child first - and Frasier, reverting to childhood at the climax of the fight shouts "You stole my mommy!"

Of course, they have both by this point consumed most of the contents of the room's minibar, so there's some excuse for their childish behaviour, but it leads them to the irrevocable conclusion that they cannot work together at all. Mind you, this will be disproved in a later season when they help their father write a song. But on the face of it, two gigantic egos going head to head is not a good recipe for a planned collaboration.

I love, as I have said before, the way this show can reduce two fully grown men back to boys. When neither will make up with the other, Martin steps in, every inch the father, and ensures that they bury the hatchet. They even sulk and grumble like little boys.

1.23 "Frasier Crane's Day Off"
   
New Character!
We are introduced here to Gil Chesterton, restaurant critic and host of "Food Beat", the show about food and drink on KACL. Chesterton is English, and exhibits all the signs of being a homosexual, though as will be pointed out in later seasons, he is in fact married.

Victim to the flu going around, Frasier awakes unable to go in to work, but is worried about his timeslot being stolen by the predatory Gil Chesterton, who has been sniffing around and is known for taking such action. After one day of having the radio station's food critic to cover for him, and Roz confirming that Chesterton is after his slot, Frasier reluctantly asks Niles to sit in. Although Niles struggles a little at first, and so Frasier thinks his slot is safe, he soon finds his feet and does really well. Feverish, Frasier begins to see plots forming, a plan to take his radio show from him. As his paranoia grows, his behaviour becomes even more erratic.

Eventually it reaches its peak as, pumped up on drugs, he goes down to the station to try to take back his show, much to the surprise and dismay of Niles. Locking himself in the booth he goes on air, makes something of a fool of himself and has to be taken away by security.

QUOTES
Frasier: "I'm sorry; when I told you to close your eyes and visualise yourself on a tropical island, I didn't realise you were calling on your carphone!"

Frasier (to Roz): "How would you like to have to work from midnight to 4AM? What would happen to your social life? Those are your peak hours!"

Daphen (to Frasier): "You can't be thinking of going to work! You're all pasty and clammy and pale!"
Martin: "And coming from an English person, that's bad!"

Niles: "Hello Daphne. Is he in pain?"
Daphne (after having taken a list of things that Frasier wants brought to him): "Not enough."

Frasier: "Daphne, the day I give a fig about what you think will be the day England produces a great chef, a world class bottle of wine and a car with a decent electrical system!"

Roz (on phone): "Tony? It's Roz. Can you get security up here? Captain Kirk has got control of the bridge and he's gone insane!"

Martin: "Why'd you tell him it was a dream?"
Daphne: "No point telling him now. I'll wait till tomorrow, when he's good and lucid."

Notable Scenes
Frasier is very much a comedy driven by witty clever dialogue and the old French farce idea, but occasionally there are some really brilliant visual scenes that just need to be noted. Here, Frasier imagines himself back at work, fit as a fiddle. He is over his flu and Gil and Niles are waving from outside the booth. He thanks them for filling in for him, hits the mike button ... and explodes!

Of course, it's all a dream but it's a very vivid depiction of his own drug and fever-induced paranoia, allied to his innate suspicious nature, that everyone is plotting against him and that they would go so far as to put a bomb in his radio booth.

Thanks for calling
A glut of guest callers this episode! First we have the late Mary Tyler Moore, who played Marjorie, the woman with the problem boss, then Tommy Hilfiger voiced Robert, the man a drugged-up Frasier cut off, while what must be the infamous Patty Hearst (credited as Patricia Hearst, and I can find no other famous woman of that name) is the voice behind Janice. Singers Steve and Eydie - Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme - play the couple Niles was trying to reunite, Howard and Lois, then there's Doonesbury creator Garry Trudeau as Louis, the man with the forgotten anniversary who Gil helped out and NFL Quarterback Steve Young as Blake, the man driving blind.

1.24 "My Coffee with Niles"

It's been a year since Frasier moved to Seattle from Boston (appropriate, as this is the end of the first season) and Martin is getting antsy. He starts talking about moving out, finding his own place, which again is ironic, as he only moved in with Frasier in the first place because he kept falling and couldn't be left on his own. As Frasier and Niles discuss their lives Frasier suddenly asks Niles if he is in love with Daphne. Niles admits he can't get her out of his mind, but that he's not sure if he's in love with her. Anyway he has no plans to leave his wife, and an affair is out of the question.

Martin comes by after storming out angrily, and when pressed, reveals it was his birthday the previous week and the boys forgot it. To make up for their forgetfulness they promise to take him out to dinner that night. Yeah, that's it.   

QUOTES
Niles (on phone): "Now just relax, Maris. Take a left, then a right, then another left ... okay."
Frasier: "Maris got lost again?"
Niles: "Yes. She wandered into the kitchen. I had to talk her back to the living room."

Niles: "I don't think she (Roz) likes me!"
Frasier: "Oh it's not a case of like or dislike Niles. She despises you."
Niles: "Really? Why should I warrant such strong emotions? I barely acknowledge her presence!"
Frasier: "Think you may be on to something there Sherlock!"

The dry wit of Roz
Niles asks Roz what brings her to Cafe Nervosa and she replies "Well I've always wanted to fly a jet, and today they're offering free jet lessons, so I throught I'd stop by and take advantage of their offer." When Niles looks at her blankly, uncertain if she is joking, she sighs. "I came here for coffee, why else?"

After her attempt at wooing the guy who she believed "could be the one" (again) has fallen through (again) Roz waxes poetic. "Why why why?" she moans. "You meet someone, you hope that maybe you can sit down for a coffee and it might lead to - oh I don't know: a life maybe? Then the trapdoor opens beneath you and you're right back in Roz's world!"

Notes:
Bit of a weak episode to end on I feel. Nothing at the radio station at all, not even the opening scene, so no guest callers. No guest stars either and really, quite short on laughs. Not a whole lot to write about in the end, and if this was a series in danger of cancellation after the first season I would not have considered this a vote for its continued survival. Of course, as we know it went on not only to run for a further nine seasons but to win Emmys and awards all over the place, and become one of America's best-loved comedies. But this episode was really a non-event. Nothing happened in it, and if anything I would have considered it a slow episode following a really good one, Frasier's "Family" following "The best of both worlds", were this Star Trek. Very weak, very poor. A big disappointment.

Season's End
Final notes on the first season:
As I said in the introduction, I wasn't one of those who transitioned from Cheers to Frasier. I was not a fan of the series in the beginning, though I later watched it and enjoyed it retrospectively, though I had seen enough of it to know that if there was to be a spin-off series I might expect Sam, Diane, even Norm! But not Frasier. He came across to me, in the few episodes I had seen, as a sort of bit character, a supporting player, with not too much in the way of interest. I guess you could say Cheers' Cleveland Brown.

But confounding all my expectations, Frasier began well and pretty much continued in that vein. We got to see a new side of Dr. Frasier Crane, met his family and his friends, and saw him in a totally new arena, that of radio, which really opened up the possibilities. But one thing that ensured this show was a huge success was its supporting cast. Grammar carries the show certainly, but from Niles and his many many little idiosyncasies - his obsessive cleanliness, his allergies, his opera, to say nothing of Maris - to Martin's earthy ordinary joe-ness and Daphne's often kooky take on life, even Eddie the dog played his part. Without all these fine actors and actresses - and one dog - behind him, Frasier might not have been the success it turned out to be.

Rather surprisingly for a first season, there really is no episode here I can turn to and find fault with, or call weaker than others. Apart from, oddly, this last one which as I've noted above was really quite below par, kind of a coda to the season ending, a wrap party aftermath if you will. And yet even for all that, it had its moments, just not too many of them. I think it suffered slightly from not having any radio material in it.

But if we thought season one was good, there was some truly amazing stuff to come as the years went on. Hope you've enjoyed the coverage so far, but for now we've come to the end of season one and it's time to call a temporary halt. As Frasier or Niles would no doubt say, we've come to the end of our session.

For now.