Something Completely Different

Christmas is a time for many things: goodwill to all men (except that guy), presents, getting drunk, eating too much, falling asleep over the TV, and apparently celebrating the birth of some guy who may, or may not, have existed. It's a time for spending money you don't have, covering your house in as much sparkly flashing lights as you can, as long as it's more than the neighbour has on his, and for bringing the family together. It's a time to think of the less well-off, to reflect on the year we've just been through, look forward (or not) to the one about to arrive, and, if you have young kids, to wonder if this year is the one you should tell them the harsh, ugly truth, then deciding what the hell? Let them dream for another year.

It's also a time for repeats, be they on the TV or after you've eaten far too much turkey and must excuse yourself from polite company. And so, I have no shame whatsoever in plundering the trunks and chests wherein I store my old journals back on Music Banter, scouring them for any Christmas-themed events I can find (and believe me, there was a time when I did Christmas BIG!) and hauling them protesting over here. Thought their work was done, did they? Thought they could rest? Hah! They don't know Trollheart!

And so, for the first time for some of you, and possibly horrifying deja vu for one or two, welcome all to the run-up to the Big Day I like to call, with staggering originality
(https://i.postimg.cc/kG3WbMhP/xmasthsmall.png)

Here you will, over the next week, find such, um, delights as
(https://i.postimg.cc/25RWtKTz/25worstfilms.png)
incorporating
(https://i.postimg.cc/Hx0FMRvj/crapxmas1.jpg)
And my labour of love from back when MB was a decent place, sort of
(https://i.postimg.cc/QVZBzBkf/scroogeth.png)

This is not all there will be, by any means. In fact, my plan is to spend the next week slaving over this thread in an attempt to weave together (geddit?) all the disparate but all extremely tedious Christmas specials I've created over the years. One way or the other, there should be something in here for everyone, even those (perhaps especially those) who hate the damned season of goodwill. Feel free to comment on, find fault with, add to or attempt to obtain legal injunctions against anything here.

Note: Over the next few days you'll see this thread (well, megathread) bloat like you after your third helping of turkey and potatoes, but don't worry. Like that box of chocolates you really want to try, but just don't have the room for right now, the thread will be here when you're ready to sample it. And anyway, it can be read after Christmas. Who was it said they wished it could be Christmas every day? Well not me, mate! I ain't doing this all year!  :laughing:

Still, it's fun and sure what else would you be doing?

Hey, like the man in the hat says
(https://media4.giphy.com/media/3bMGxzJpLxDqQGMlE8/giphy.gif?cid=6c09b952yftaa08yw6ci2lot21jlbwp97lkzrpp8x69hue9w&ep=v1_internal_gif_by_id&rid=giphy.gif&ct=g)

Let's kick off with some laughs then, shall we? I want to look into the various excellent animated Christmas specials from three of the  shows I feel do them best, and which I'm most familiar with: The Simpsons, American Dad and Family Guy. Although I've decided to do this late (no I was NOT visited by three ghosts last night!) and don't have enough days, and so will have to cram in more than one a day, nevertheless I'm going to pick the twelve I feel are best and feature them here in a little thing I like to call
(https://i.postimg.cc/QtRVBBPj/cartoonxmas1.jpg)

It's become something of a tradition on The Simpsons to have a Christmas episode, although unlike the likes of Dr. Who, you can't be guaranteed one every season. Even so, with thirty seasons and counting that would probably be enough to feature all Simpsons Christmas episodes on their own, but that might be boring, especially to the few among you who may not enjoy the show. Of course, you may not like the other ones either, but at least you have a better chance of seeing something here you may be interested in if there's a wider spread of programmes.

So each day I'll choose one from a different show, try to mix it up as best I can. With The Simpsons having been the major force in "adult" animation for decades now though, it's clear that there will be, shall we say, more than one offering from America's favourite cartoon family. I'll try not to let Homer and Co. take this over though. I'll give him some donuts, that'll keep him happy.

So we'll be starting with this.
(https://ifbb.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/day-1-1.jpg)
Episode title: "Simpsons Roasting On an Open Fire"
Series: The Simpsons
Season: One
First transmitted: December 17 1989
Written by: Mimi Pond

Although this was the first episode ever screened of the show proper (leaving aside the shorts on Tracey Ullman's show which provided the springboard for the most successful animated show in history), here in Ireland the first screened was "Call of the Simpsons" (seventh in the actual running order). Why do you care? You don't: but I just want to point out that, unlike everyone else, this episode was not my first experience of the show. But anyway, it basically introduces all the characters - to those who had not watched Tracey Ullman - as well as supporting ones, but really there are three main ones, which I'll get into shortly.

If this was the first time you ever - and I mean ever - heard of or saw America's real First Family, the first characters you see are Marge and Homer, who are driving to see their kids perform in the Christmas pageant at the school. We also see, peripherally, Maggie, the baby, in a kind of starfish costume, presumably to keep her warm against the December chill. Next up is a man who will be the bane of the Bad Boy of the Simpsons, it's Principal Skinner, who introduces the next act, in which we get to meet Lisa, the middle child, and then Bart, the eldest, who establishes his character right away by replacing the chorus of "Jingle Bells" with lyrics which have now become hilariously familiar. Skinner is not impressed and pulls him from the line.

It is the first episode, so no criticism, but it's still interesting to note that none of the children, nor indeed any of the adults in the audience other than Homer, Marge and Maggie, are in any way distinguishable or ever seen again; they're generic character drawings and, somewhat like the early episodes of Family Guy, it seem they're seat-fillers, placeholders to make up a crowd scene until Groening and his team has time to work on other, actual characters. Homer betrays his boredom, moaning "How many grades does this school have?"

Back home, Marge is writing her Christmas cards while the kids finalise their letters to Santa. Marge's letter-writing is a clever device, so early in the series, in which the writers get to inform us about other things happening without having to play them out. These include the fact that the Simpsons' cat, Snowball, was run over and has been replaced by Snowball II, Homer's father, Abe or Abraham Simpson (though just referred here to as Grampa) is introduced and Lisa is seen to be a straight-A student while Bart, we hear, is, well, not. Homer's short fuse temper is demonstrated as he growls at Marge to hurry up and finish her letter, and then demands to know where the extension cord for the Christmas lights is, but he's slapped down, verbally, as we see, and will, as the series winds on, that Marge is more than a match for him and takes no nonsense from him.

Lisa's interest in ponies is explored, as her list contains nothing but "a pony" several times, while Marge tries to explain, not that they can't afford it (as Lisa, being only eight years old, still believes in Santa, or claims to) while Bart wants a tattoo. Marge and Homer's views on this differ somewhat. While his mother tells him that under no circumstances may he get a tattoo (Bart is not as naive as his sister and knows their presents come from the parents - "There's only one big fat guy in this house who brings us presents and his name ain't Santa") Homer declares that if Bart wants one he can pay for it himself.

The phone rings and we hear, but do not yet see, Marge's sisters, Patti and Selma, who obviously don't care for Homer, and the feeling is mutual. Another person Homer will have problems with is introduced, as we meet his neighbour, Ned Flanders, a real god-botherer who can't understand people who aren't Christians. Homer's poor efforts at decorating the outside of their house are put to shame by Flanders' extravagant display and Homer hates him for it, feeling he has been humiliated in front of his children. Marge later produces "the big jar", their savings put away over the year for presents and other Christmas sundries and the next day they're off shopping. Bart, defying his  parents' wishes, and thinking Marge will appreciate the fact that it says "mother", goes and gets a tattoo.

And now we come to one of the greatest, not only Simpsons characters but surely in all of animation - he's fond of a smoke, likes a good joke - why he's worth ten times what he earns! You know his name: (and he is NOT pleased to meet you) it's Mr. Burns! Oh yes. Charles Montgomery "Monty" Burns, feared and ancient owner of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, where Homer works, a Scrooge figure if ever there was one, advises his staff there will be no Christmas bonus this year. Homer thanks heaven for the big jar! Marge catches Bart before the tattoo is finished and drags him out of the parlour, furious. She tells Homer the Christmas money will now have to go on the procedure to remove the tattoo, so Bart has ruined Christmas for the family. Won't be the last time.

Marge thinks things will be all right. The big jar may be empty, but there's still Homer's bonus to come. Homer has not told her the bad news yet, and now he feels he can't, as it will be him that is ruining the holiday season for his family. Not that it's his fault, be he sees himself as the breadwinner and so takes on the responsibility. As he mopes outside, Flanders' Santa's low "HO HO HO" seems to mock him. In bed that night, Homer tries to break the news but looking in Marge's trusting eyes he feels he can't, and instead hits on a rather ridiculous plan: to do the Christmas shopping himself, getting the cheapest possible presents for everyone so that the meagre funds he has can stretch further. Colliding with Flanders and his kid his cheapskate choices are revealed, which does not help matters.

Now we move to the scene of a place which will become Homer's second home, Moe's bar, where Moe asks Homer why he's so down. When he explains, his best friend Barney Gumble, an inveterate drunk, comes in dressed as Santa. He's been working as a department store Santa Claus and Homer wonders if he might do the same to earn some extra cash. So he enrols in the training programme and starts his job, though according to his boss he'll get  "not a dime till Christmas Eve" so has to wait to be paid. Inevitably, he runs into Bart, to whom he has to tell the truth about his bonus. Bart laughs at the idea of his father working as a mall Santa, but then takes it a little more seriously. Oh yeah, we also meet, unfortunately, the annoying Millhouse Van Houten, Bart's best friend. I hate that guy. Nobody likes Miihouse.

Now we get to meet the illustrious sisters in person, as Patti and Selma, twins, visit Marge and complain that there is no Christmas tree in the Simpson house. So Homer decides to go and get one. He can't afford one though, so goes into the woods to cut one down, leading to the question as to why the Simpsons' Christmas tree has a birdhouse in it?

Payday arrives, also known as Christmas Eve, but after many deductions Homer is left with a mere thirteen dollars in his paycheque. Barney tells him he has a sure thing in the Springfield Downs dog races and he should bet on the dog. Homer goes but at the last minute changes his bet when he hears the name of one of the dogs is "Santa's Little Helper", and thinks it's a sign. Of course the dog Barney recommended wins and Santa's Little Helper not only loses, but it kicked out by its owner. Homer and Bart take him home, and he becomes the family dog, allowing Homer to give his family, against all odds, the best Christmas present they have ever had.

Notes

As an introductory episode this really gives you a lot of information. Not only are we presented with the Simpsons family and a few peripheral characters, but we're also apprised of how each of them react. Homer, who will turn out to be even more popular than Bart and who will represent the whole Simpsons franchise, is fat and lazy, somewhat ignorant, tries to be the man of the house but really is just a big softy; the house is run by Marge, and, to some smaller extent, Lisa. Homer is not very bright but his heart is in the right place, and his perceived lower position on the employment (and some would also say, evolutionary) scale is a constant annoyance to him, especially when compared to his saintly neighbour. Marge is the archetypal long-suffering wife, trying to hold it all together both financially and emotionally, stronger than she looks, the glue which keeps the family together. Lisa takes after her mother - strong, independent, smart, opinionated - while Bart is his father's son in every way. Maggie, at this stage, is entirely one-dimensional, but we will grow to know and love her.

The other characters, though given little screen time, are still well fleshed out. We see the beginnings of the battle to be waged for thirty years between Principal Skinner and Bart, the disdain in which Homer's sisters hold her husband (and he them) and the somewhat doddery demeanour of Grampa Simpson. Finally, though his toady has but one line in this episode, we bear witness to the birth, series-speaking, of the shadow that constantly falls across Springfield, and especially Homer's world, and which will, paradoxically perhaps, endear Monty Burns to us all. Truly it will be said: an episode with Burns in it is guaranteed to be a good one.

There's a perhaps refreshing lack of preaching in this, a Christmas episode. I don't think any mention is made of God, any god, other than one reference Bart makes to miracles, and even Santa is not in it, other than as a department store employee. Even Flanders holds back what will become his gushing about the Almighty, which possibly underscores the idea that this is a pilot episode, and the writers weren't ready to sacrifice, or even stalk any sacred cows just yet. Later, of course, there would be a massacre, as everything and anything became fair game as the show's popularity grew, then exploded. As we all know, when you're a hit you can say almost anything you like, and when your show is a satire or comedy, you can really get in the sort of digs you can't in drama or other types of writing.

One thing that is very skilfully handled here is the old-head-on-young-shoulders attitude Lisa exhibits to adults, talking to them (one might even say talking down to them) in their own language. Example: when Patti talks badly about Homer, Lisa makes this plea:
"I wish you wouldn't. Because, aside from the fact that he has the same frailties as all human beings, he's the only father I have. Therefore he is my model of manhood, and my estimation of him will govern the prospects of my adult relationships. So I hope you bear in mind that any knock at him is a knock at me, and I am far too young to defend myself against such onslaughts." Patti's response? "Go watch your cartoon show, dear."

One other interesting point: though he will become Homer's best friend in time, an almost literal Barney to Homer's Fred Flintstone (which can't be a coincidence; his surname is almost the same: Gumble) Barney at this time comes across as at best a casual acquaintance, calling Homer "Simpson" as if he barely knows him.

Okay, this next is an old favourite. What? It was a favourite of mine, and I'm old. What's hard to understand about that?

I did the "25 Worst films" twice over two years, so in effect there are fifty or more, and since I wrote this, that number has surely increased. Therefore I've blotted out the 25 in the logo and now there's no number, no limit on how much Christmas holiday crap can be seen on TV screens (or, you damn kids, tablets, phones or smart god-knows-whats) so the feature is now going under the rather wider umbrella title of
(https://i.postimg.cc/ZKfcjqwX/25worstfilms1.png)
I should point out that these are not movies I've watched, therefore I'm getting them mostly from "worst Christmas films" lists and being guided totally by public opinion. I am, however, using various sources such as Rotten Tomatoes, and checking out what both critics and audiences said about them. If they're available on YouTube I'll load them up here, though the chances are most will not be, luckily for you. Probably.

These are in no order. So let's kick off with this one.

The Night Before (2015)
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/e/e0/TheNightBefore2015poster.jpg)
The Night Before what, you ask? Why, Christmas, dummy, of course. I could probably just write "a Seth Rogen movie" and you'd know whether or not to chance it, but I'm not quite that lazy. Seems to me to be something of a Hangover type thing (not that I've seen the movie), or just insert your favourite stoner/screwball comedy movie here. The tale of three friends in search of a Nutcracker. Um, party that is. With drunk Santas, plenty of vomit, a Christmas-hating thief who steals one of the character's hash not once but twice (seriously: how can you be so stupid or careless to get not only robbed twice but by the same person?) and a high-school teacher who turns out to be an angel, and indeed a son of Santa, how can you go, er, right?

Oh yeah, throw in a proposal that isn't, a pregnancy that isn't, a "hilarious" mixing up of phones, hallucinations that reveal the true meaning of friendship and steroids, and a sappy happy ending and you probably have enough reasons to avoid this movie like the plague. Or, if that is your thing, to seek it out and watch it.

Harsh, you say, from someone who admits he has never even seen the movie? True, true. Fair point. Let's hear from some who did.

In the Sydney Morning Herald, Jake Wilson writes: "In The Night Before, which Levine directed and co-wrote, sweetness and crudity mingle from the outset."

Kate Muir, in the Times, is more succinct, and perhaps cutting. She calls the movie "Intermittently funny". Hmm. Not a savaging, but hardly a ringing endorsement either. Don't you just love those polite English?

We Irish? Well, maybe slightly less so, at least in the words of The Evening Herald's Chris Wasser: "This is the kind of movie where no amount of alcohol or class A narcotics can break our protagonists down. They just keep on rockin' hard - sometimes, with Miley Cyrus. It's kinda hilarious."

Americans had other ideas, such as this from Chris McCoy of The Memphis Flyer (sounds like a good name for a steam train, don't it?): "Sometimes, you just need a big, dumb comedy."

Well maybe, but it's not for me. Some other English critics concur. Helen O'Hara, writing in the Daily Telegraph, noted "The script was semi-improvised, which often shows in the film's loose, mildly chaotic tone, but it also allows the three charismatic stars to riff easily together."

While the Guardian's Peter Bradshaw concluded "It's a conceited semi-stoner adventure set on Christmas Eve, with mawkish top notes of male self-pity."

Perhaps the last word should be left to David Jenkins of Little White Lies: "Ho-ho-hell-no."

Indeed. Now, I'm not going to pretend that there weren't positive, or at least kinder reviews by other critics, but I'm not going to post them, as that would show up my entirely biased agenda here, already set out in the introduction. I'm also not saying the reviews (or extracts from same) above are particularly damning, but they're the best, or worst, I could get. I'm not even saying I know this movie is bad - nor any of the others - but it's getting a definite judge-the-book-by-its-cover treatment by me. Hey, it's Christmas! Let me enjoy myself, huh?

Finally, let's see what the people who matter (titter) the paying public had to say about the movie.

We won't attribute these quotes because who cares who these guys are, right? fucking nobodies.

(Note: I'm pasting these in EXACTLY as they are, no corrections. If these fuckers can't be bothered to spell or use punctuation or grammar properly, I'll be diddly-doodly-darned if I'll do it for them. So blame them, not me.)

"As far as stoner movies goes this one is a bad trip. Lots of flat scenes and awkward moments. There a few belly laughs, but the temptation to reach for the remote and FF begins about ten minutes in. Too bad, all of the leads and supporting cast are talented and likable."

"Not terrible. It had some laughs. Better than I thought it would be."

Wow. High praise indeed. Someone wrote about a page about it but a) I'll be fucked if I'm quoting that much and b) they liked it, which does not at all fit in with my fascist notions here, so I cry "fake news!" and move on.

Before I do, here's a trailer, for those interested.

Oh, also, I want to note the RT score here for each movie, but though it came up the first time, for some odd reason this one won't now, so I have to leave it as it is. Hopefully the others will all give me ratings I can share with you.

(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/1/1e/Krampus_poster.jpg)
Krampus (2015)

Look, if anyone did scary and often homicidal Christmas toys, it was The Nightmare Before Christmas, and nothing is ever going to top that. Krampus is a German legendary figure who punishes those who lose their Christmas spirit and when a family argue and bicker and the kid rips up his letter to Santa, it's the signal for Krampus to go in and teach them, um, not quite sure what.

Killer jack-in-the-boxes, manic gingerbread men (complete with hook for some reason) and evil elves are the order of the day. Not that anyone can be blamed for their name, but when you have the likes of Queenie, Sage, Maverick and Emjay (apparently he's some well-known child actor; personally I've never heard of him) you kind of know what you're in for. In case you're intending to watch it I won't give away the ending, as read in the Wiki article, but it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. Probably about as much as watching this, I guess.

Seems as if there was not just one, but, um, four sequels made to this movie, so I guess it must have done okay. Also, if you're looking for it, it doesn't help that there are three other movies called Krampus...

Ratings on Rotten Tomatoes:

Tomatometer: 66%
Audience Score: 51%

Rating on IMDB

6.2/10

Rating on Metacritic

49
 
And the critics say:

Time Magazine's Stephanie Zackarek thought Some clever soul might have done something moderately effective with this idea, but Krampus is too dumb to be scary and too listless to be entertaining

While AV Club's A.A. Dowd mused Otherwise, this holiday-season fright flick never leaps far enough outside of its own box; the movie flirts with going full-on monster mash, with really cutting loose, but the mayhem is too little, too late.

Nick Schager of Indiewire lamented that Unfortunately, the narrow scope of his story - which is primarily set inside the characters' abode - makes the film feel akin to a Christmas-themed home invasion thriller minus the surprises

Damond Fudge of KCCI in Des Moines (which I assume is a radio station) agreed: he probably has enough problems having a surname like Fudge and dealing with that at Christmas! Bet he's thin as a rack and unsmiling as Scrooge. And who calls their child Damond?  Krampus is a horror-comedy that doesn't go far enough into either of its two genres ... there's too much wasted potential to make this a true holiday horror classic.

Though Jeffrey M Anderson of Common Sense Media was a little kinder:
The movie sometimes gets lost in all its monster fights, but then the ominous, somewhat ambiguous ending ties everything together. Krampus may be too much for sensitive viewers, but lovers of alternative holiday viewing will rejoice

How about those poor sods who actually paid (I assume) to see it? Well, I doubt anyone was walking in backwards pretending to be going out in order to see it again for free (oh yes you did, don't lie; we all did) but they don't seem to have been setting fire to the ticket booth demanding their money back either. Here's a selection of their impressions, again unattributed, because in the final analysis, nobody cares who these guys are. And no, I did not make them up. I writes a lot gooder than wot dey does.

The film is trying to be a new Gremlins, using the festive season for some horror and the set up works rather nicely with the arrival of the unloved extended family. The tone is then somewhat undecided, too silly for grown-ups and too creepy for kids, especially when it comes to Krampus' multilpe helper creatures. That's borderline annoying a few times and would have worked much better with the emphasis on the main antagonist. But even he gets silly once we see underneath his hood often enough. At least the final twist is surprisingly evil.

Didn't love or hate this. It was an okay Christmas horror. Dragged out a little long, though it wasn't. (Odd one that: I didn't cut it off, that's how it ends. It wasn't what? We'll never know, but I won't be losing any sleep wondering).

A fun, silly bit of holiday horror. This film could have gone much further in several directions: campier, scarrier, darker. There are not many thrills under the tree, but it has some delightful henchmen lurking among the boughs and holly. The film's score is notably clever but not enough that you'll be likely add the soundtrack CD to your Christmas list

Okay then, this will be fun...
(https://media1.giphy.com/media/82DaAxknIvBovGGPj5/giphy.gif)
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/9/93/Ernest_Saves_Christmas_Poster.jpg)
Ernest Saves Christmas (1988)

But not his dignity, I imagine. Look, I know a lot of you 'Muricans are gonna roll your eyes and shout "You just don't get it!" And I don't. I mean, I know this Ernest guy is a cultural hero and beloved character to you, but to me he's, well, nobody. He doesn't get a pass for being Ernest, not in the same was as, oh I don't know, maybe Mister Bean might were he to make a Christmas movie. And it sucked. I just don't have the cultural lens through which to view this, and so it gets another savaging.

Another in the long line of movies starring Jim Varney as hapless loser Ernest P. Worrell, famous in America, perhaps not so famous (or cared for) here. As Santa reaches the end of his tenure (apparently his powers weaken over time) and comes to Orlando to hand over his magic sack, he leaves it behind in Ernest's cab. And so begins a frantic chase across the city to allow Ernest to reunite Santa with his sack so he can pass on his powers before time - and audience endurance - runs out. You've got a teenage runaway called, um, Harmony Starr (seriously), Santa punching out a film director, and flying reindeer walking on the roof of a warehouse while Animal Control try to get them down. Oh dear.

Ratings on Rotten Tomatoes

Tomatometer: 36%
Audience Score: 42%

Rating on IMDB

5.7/10

Rating on Metacritic:

44



You know, oddly enough, for a film with such a low score on Rotten Tomatoes (36%), every critic review I can find either praises or allows the film some latitude, whereas the previous two, both with scores well into the sixties, have mostly caustic, disdainful reviews. Some of the audience ones are quite long, so I've taken excerpts in those cases. Like this one:

While this is a harmless movie in and of itself, I can't really imagine that many kids will actually enjoy this. It's weird, this film clearly isn't geared towards an adult audience, but it's not exactly geared towards kids either. It's stuck in limbo, because while it is a harmless family movie, that doesn't necessarily make it a good one either. This is kind of a disaster in a lot of levels. You can't expect high-brow humor with this kind of character, but there's no reason it couldn't have been, at least, a reasonably entertaining film. It fails at getting you in a Christmas-y mood, if that's what you're looking for, and that's really the ultimate sin for one of these types of films. I don't wanna say it fails at everything, but it's a bad film on many levels

Even then, you have the likes of this:

I liked this better then Ernest goes to camp, the jokes are better and the story is for the whole family. Ernest is really funny and not as obnoxious as the first film, which is for the best. Not going to win oscars but definitely one you'll remember fondly.

So I don't understand the low ratings, but in general most seem to be able to forgive the movie because it's an Ernest one. Guess it's an American thing.

And speaking of American comedy Christmas cultural icons...

(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/5/51/A_Very_Harold_%26_Kumar_Christmas.jpg)
A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas (2011)

Ah, you Americans do love your Harold and Kumar, don't you? How dare I say a word against them! Well, just like your other icons Ernest and Pee-Wee Herman, these two stoners are not as well known or liked on this side of the water, though I guess they have something of a following. So in conclusion, suck it.  :laughing:

I always worry about movies that use the dreaded 3D tag. So often, it's a method of papering over some very large cracks in the film, where things like plot, characterisation, dialogue and message get ridden roughshod over in favour of the ooh-ahh three-dimensional effects. Just check out Jaws 3D to see what I mean, and if you couldn't be bothered, watch for a review here next year in my Shark Tales feature. Then again you have the likes of Avatar, which apparently is a great movie. Or is it? You talk to anyone who's see it (I have not) and they'll burble on endlessly about how great the three-dee was, but is the movie itself sacrificed to the visuals, which are unanimously reported as gorgeous and awe-inspiring. That's fine, but like they say here, fur coat and no knickers, or to put it another way, a pig with lipstick on is still, you know.

So what's so 3D about this, the third (oh yeah) instalment in the stoner duo's adventures? You know, I have no clue. I suppose certain scenes may have been enhanced, but I can't really see the need for this to have been in 3D. But what do I know? More than you mate. Nah really; stoner comedies don't do it for me and I have never seen a single Harold and Kumar movie, nor do I wish to. This one apparently has a priceless Christmas tree belonging to Harold's father-in-law burned down when a giant joint is tossed out the window (oh the hilarity!), Santa getting shot in the head and the Russian mob thrown into the mix, because why not?

Again, I guess you're either a fan of these guys or you're not, and the idea of one of their ex-pals coming back from heaven because Jesus kicked him out, and now able to read minds, well, see the opening line again I suppose. You have to give props, one would expect, to a man who has a good job working for Obama in the White House and leaves that job to make this movie. Luckily when the movie was over and Kai Penn asked the President if the White House could take him back he was told (say it with me) "Yes we can!"

Rotten Tomatoes ratings:

Tomatometer: 63%
Audience Score: 58%

IMDB Rating

6.2/10

Metacritic Rating:

44

Again, the critics, who are probably H&K fans or at least familiar with the other movies, are largely appreciative of the movie, so they get no airtime here, while the worst the audience could come up with was this rather weak lambasting:

The first H & K was the best. With each sequel they make, it just goes downhill.

In the spirit of the season, may Harold and Kumar be with you, and may you be high and drunk this festive holiday. Amen.

Note: Some of these, um, well, what can we call them? Reviews? Not really. Critiques? As if! All right then: some of these sneers at Christmas movies come from back in 2013, a decade old, before, it seems, I had the idea of using quotes, comments by critics and ratings, so this one has none of those. Just deal with it. Some of them will be in this format, and I've enough work to do already without sourcing the extra data needed.
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2Fthumb%2F9%2F91%2FSanta_With_Muscles.jpg%2F220px-Santa_With_Muscles.jpg&hash=781b9b54e6a99e4883fbbca3a9ca5a871f1fe6ba)
Santa with Muscles (1996)

This one's so bad they don't even have a picture of it on IMDB! Yeah, but it can't hide from me! I tracked it down, interestingly under the legend "This is a real movie!" Hard to believe, but yes it is. Starring that old Christmas favourite, er, Hulk Hogan, you just know this is going to be as bad as it sounds. They couldn't even be bothered to try to come up with a snappier title. I mean, Santa with Muscles? Doesn't even scan. They could have called it Big Bad Santa, or Santamania or - god help me - Under the Muscle-toe? Even Hulk Hogan is Santa --- crap yes but at least they're better than what they decided to plump for. Maybe the will to live was already deserting them. I know how they feel. So does IMDB...

An evil millionaire (Hulk Hogan) gets amnesia and then believes that he is Santa Claus.

Of course he does. Let's see, did the hulkish one manage to pressure, embarrass or trick anyone famous into appearing in this particular piece of celluloid genius? No,not really. Though Ed Begley Jr pops up in it, and Family Guy's Meg, Mila Kunis, decides she wants a little more limelight and accepts a role. Wrong movie to choose to make your play for stardom, honey! You'll garner more fans as Meg! Again though there's an interesting character in the cast, which fits in perfectly with the idea of this movie and Hulk Hogan starring in it: "Cop with bazooka". Pity he didn't use it to blow this awful turd of a film to kingdom come!

Oh dear lord save us! Someone uploaded the whole movie to YouTube! Well, I wouldn't do that to you. Here's a trailer instead.

Isn't it always the same at Christmas? You've just settled down to watch a TV special on faulty bikinis when the doorbell rings!
(https://i.makeagif.com/media/9-12-2013/TI0Ybv.gif)
Sigh! Who is it?
(https://i.gifer.com/7HDz.gif)
What ---- umppffff!
(https://i.makeagif.com/media/3-03-2017/fEsb2O.gif)
(https://i.gifer.com/LihC.gif)

Ah, excellent! Ah-hoy-hoy there, dead readers --- oh dear, did I make a typo? DID I? Please all remain where you are, there is no escape.

It's about time you people had a real view on Christmas. This chair-moistener, er --- Smithers! (Trollheart, Sir) --- Ah yes, Trollheart --- has been spreading far too much Christmas cheer across his blasted journals, and I aim to stop it. Now you will learn the true meaning of Christmas, as I peruse the local televisual periodical for his wretched island home --- Ireland? What sort of a name for a country is that? --- and show you just how depressingly little there is on the electronic picture box this yuletide season. Yes, it's true! That's it, step forth - don't worry about the trapdoor. it's been deact - oh dear. SMITHERS! Damn and blast it, man! I thought I told you to... Smithers? Where the blazes is he? And what's that awful caterwauling I hear outside my window? Christmas carollers you say? Well, let's see how they like it when I run them over in my Bentley! Oh yes! They won't appreciate that particular car-roll! Oh ho ho ho! I really do amaze myself; sometimes I doubt they ever got all the humour out of me that time (though they said the operation had been a complete success! Bah! Where is my team of overpaid lawyers! What do you mean, off for Christmas?) Ah yes, that reminds me. As I was saying, step forth and experience what a proper festive period should be like. See how it is when it's
(https://i.postimg.cc/JhTJcL9r/xmasthsmall-BURNS.png)
Come with me now as we throw aside all this ridiculous joy and peace, and discover jsut exactly how tedious, repetitive and boring the Christmas televisual fare is, this year and every year. Time to spend
(https://i.postimg.cc/6q7pJsjh/xmasth41burns.png)
So, what have we first? Let's look, shall we, at the "run-up to Christmas" as they so charmingly call it. Since this dweeb lives in that backward island I can only take note of the drivel that will be clogging up his cheap flatscreen, taking valuable time away from playing Business Tycoon IV on Xbox, a pastime everyone should be involved in. Especially Deathmatch. Oh yes! The corporate world is a cut-throat business, you know! MWA-HA-HA-HAAAA!

Do excuse me, I get a little overwrought when I take on my "gamer persona", as it were. Just don't run foul of me near Wall Street, I warn you: my musket is rapid-fire: it can launch TWO projectiles within four minutes! Yes, I thought you'd be impressed. Just don't push me, that's all. Anyway, to the TV rag. They call it the RTE Guide? What in blue blazes is that? RTE? Really Terrible Entertainment, must be. (Trollheart: It stands for Radio Teliefis Eireann, which is Irish for Radio and television of Ireland) --- What?  How did you get back in? Where are my hired goons? Goons! Bah! Never mind: this button, properly pressed, will release the hounds, so I suggest you begin running...

Ah there he goes! Always amusing how they think they, with only two legs, can evade a four-legged - well, there you have it. I suppose I'll have to have that painted over. Again. Oh well. Where was I? Oh yes. To the periodical!

As I don't intend to spend my youth (what? How dare you! I don't look a day over ninety!) pandering to the likes of you, I won't be doing this every day up to Christmas. Ah, employees don't just fire themselves, you know, and someone has to make up those little packets that make it look like they're getting a fat bonus when in fact there's - but I digress. Again. Let's try - this page!

Saturday December 21st eh? Well it's the first page of the damn thing, and that makes it four days before Christmas Day, so why not? Let's see then what sort of balderdash they're throwing your way for you to lap up like the hungry animals you are - ah, sorry! Just talking to the hounds there you know (not bloody likely!) - they get so lonely, in between chasing trespassers and ripping them to - ah! Here we are!

(Note: listings are NOT correct at time of going to press. Although, given how lazy TV schedulers are at this time of year, they could be. This was originally written for Christmas 2013)

Coal, Frankenstein and Mirror: an Irish Nativity - RTE One - 11:45

Sounds jolly! Oh look how clever they were with the title. It's supposed to be gold, frankincense and myrrh and they ... yes I think we get the idea. What's it about then? Damned if I know, but if you want to catch it you had better not be a slugabed: they're showing it at 11:45. In the morning! Who's up that early? It's practically midnight! Bah! What else?

The Sting - RTE One - 15:30

Yes, jolly seventies caper starring that Newman chap and his friend Redford. Nominated for many Oscars. Probably. I don't know! Go look it up if you're so interested! I've better things to do!

Disney's A Christmas Carol - RTE One - 18:30

Ah yes, the so-called "Big big movie"! One of no doubt a score or more of showings of Dickens' classic, this time with little cartoon figures running around trying to learn the meaning of Christmas. Bah! Humbug! Totally biased against the poor old miser, just trying to protect his money from all the greedy Christmas carollers and annoying well-wishers this time of year. Always hated that movie! Hmm. This one stars that delightfully funny chap from "The Mask" - Carrey is it? Drew Carrey? Something like that anyway. I'm sure you don't care, I know I don't! Next!


Could we survive a mega-tsunami? - RTE Two - 19:20

Not if I was in charge, we couldn't! Well, you couldn't: I'd be already long gone in the rocket ship Smithers is overseeing the final touches to in the --- ah, not that there is any rocket. Smithers? Who is Smithers? How very festive; just shows you how much thought these ale-swilling orang-utans in (possibly) suits put into their programming! The blurb runs thusly: "Hollywood-style graphics and real-life archives bring home an imagined near-future scenario, all based on cutting edge science." Hah! Sounds delightful: all those little people running for their lives while Mother Nature swamps and crushes them and destroys their homes! Now that's the kind of Christmas I want to see! I'll be "Sky-plussing" that. Whatever the devil that means. Smithers knows all about these technical doodads. Why do you think I keep him around? Anyhoo, this is on at the same time as the movie, so you'll have to choose, or record one and watch the other. Or record both. Or watch neither. Do what the hell you like, I don't care! I know which I'll be watching though!

A Man For All Seasons - TG4 - 1:00

Don't even ask what TG4 stands for. All you need to know is that ninety percent of the programmes are in ... Irish! Oh stop it! My sides! They really will split. Again. That was most unpleasant for all concerned. But wait just a moment! Isn't this just a cheap rip-off of my movie, A Burns For All Seasons? How dare they! Smithers! Phone the studio immediately! What? Made in 1966 you say? I see. Have work commence on the time machine: we'll see who has the last laugh here!

The Bible - TV3 - 21:00

Ah yes, well where would Christmas be without old Jesus himself?They always have to ruin the festive season by bringing that chap in. I really don't understand why people think he's so importnat. Oh well, always a good time to trot out the old - wait a moment though! This is new! Well, to these ignorant Irishmen anyway. A mini-series, made this year no less , being shown over several nights. Sounds interesting. Must tell the Prince of Darkness about this one - now what's his hashtag again? #SatanRocks. Hmm. How unfortunate. Still listens to Showaddywaddy, you know. Still, he'll be interested to see how he looks onscreen. Especially that desert scene. I believe it was most uncomfortable out there, waiting for the son of God to get himself out there and then the insults poor Lucifer had to take ... I swear, try to help someone...

Strictly come dancing live finals - BBC One - 18:30 and 20:40

If you enjoy the sight of nubile young ladies showing more than a little ankle as they get whirled around by nubile young men (Smithers! Stop that! Behave yourself man!) then you're going to have to be careful, as Aunty Beeb has rather carelessly sandwiched the two finals in the nation's favourite dancing competition between the godawful "Atlantis", so you may end up seeing it inadvertently! Mwa-hahahha! And I know how bad it is! Best to set the videoplus, Smithers says. Great Caesar's ghost! I can see that young lady's underthings when her partner swings her around! Smithers! How do you work this recordathon again? Oh nothing, really, just asking... no! No! Don't delete! Damn and blast it!

The many faces of Ronnie Barker - BBC Two - 22:00

Bah! The Two Ronnies were bad enough, the One Ronnie is worse. Now we have to suffer through a tribute to the one who has shuffled off this mortal coil? Humbug! Humbug I say! One face is too many! Why are these things always on at Christm - oh, quite. That's what I'm trying to show you happens. Well, this just proves my point, doesn't it?

The unforgettable Frankie Howerd - UTV - 1:00

I forget who he was. Heh heh. No, really, I do. When you get to my age...

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - UTV - 18:30

Bah! One Harry Potter movie is much the same as another. Snivelling little do-gooder going around bothering my friend Voldermort! What did he ever do to Potter? Little interfering brat! He wouldn't be so smart without his magic!

Come dine with me - Channel 4 - from 16:30 to 18:35

Really? Almost a whole day of watching people stuff themselves with food, and complimenting each other on how well they cook? Dear lord, I hope none of these people ever show up on my doorstep. Come dine with my hounds, more like! They like human flesh! Don't you? Don't you? Yes you do...

And just to complete the reasons to avoid Channel 4 on this day (or any day really)

Deck the Halls - Channel 4 - 19:15

I believe Trollheart has this marked for his "Worst films" section, and for once I agree with him. Avoid at all costs.


Four Christmasses - Channel 4 - 21:00

And this one. Two words, my friends: Vince Vaughn.

And that is just an example of the stellar programming the various channels - or "stations", as the backwards locals often call them over here --- are working on to make your Christmas one to remember. Or forget. Heavens only knows what they plan for the big day itself! Take my advice: throw you television out the window now, avoid all that - what? No, I don't believe the truck idling outside your window is mine... my logo you say? Burns Second-Hand Televisions and DVD Players? Well, that is interesting. Driver looking up at your window, holding a cellphone as if waiting for instructions? Excuse me just a moment: I have to take this call. Back soon with more reasons not to bother with the idiot box this Christmas.

Toodles!

Well, old Burnsy may sneer at and ridicule Christmas, and want to ruin it for everyone, but we all know who is really the Grinch in every Christmas pudding, don't we? Let's talk about a real miser.

If someone were to ask you, what is the movie that epitomises Christmas for you, what would your answer be? It's a Wonderful Life? Oliver? Die Hard? Seriously? Well, they're all decent movies but to me, and I suspect a whole lot of other people, when I think of Christmas the film that springs to mind is Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol. Call it by the name of its principle character if you want, but nothing for me surpasses the elegance of this story. Mixing pathos, redemption, fantasy, cautionary tale, a little horror and good old human kindness and the triumph of the human spirit, this timeless classic shows us that even the most mean-spirited and miserable among us can come to learn the true meaning of Christmas. Granted, most of us would not need to be visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve for that to happen, but though it may have become something of a cliche in these cynical days of the boom-and-bust, grab-all-you-can-while-you-can mindset, you would have to be very hard-hearted indeed not to be moved by the classic tale of a man who turns from a hateful old miser into one of the nicest men in the world.

And of course, like many successful stories, it's been played out again and again, in various forms and formats, from early silent movies to musicals and puppetry, animation and, no doubt, in many languages across the world. One thing that is pretty universal --- I suspect even in countries that profess not to espouse Christianity or celebrate Christmas - is the desire for a happy ending and the joy of seeing a bad man turn good. But which is the best version of this classic? When I look at the Wiki entry I can see over twenty movies, stretching from the turn of the century right up to 2009. although for some reason which escapes me they've failed to include Bill Murray's Scrooged, something I will be rectifying as we introduce
(https://i.postimg.cc/QVZBzBkf/scroogeth.png)
If we discount the silent movies - we may not; it depends on whether or not I can find them - we're left with about twenty-odd different versions of the story committed to the big screen. My intention is to try to watch all of them, or as many as I can, and make a determination as to which one is the outstanding adaptation. You would think, with cinematic techniques having taken a giant leap forward in the last ten or twenty years, that more recent ones would take the prize (and maybe one will) but often it's not just about effects, CGI and major stars: in a case like this, the way the story is handled is also crucial to whether or not the film has a chance of beating its rivals. There are also "updates" and movies based on the framework - Ms. Scrooge comes to mind - and I may try to include them, but hey: there's not much time left, and while I probably won't get the actual results before Christmas, I don't want this to be like the turkey: pigging out so much that I start to go glassy-eyed and feel a little queasy. So I won't say when the result will be published, but it will obviously have to be before New Year's Day.

Various factors will be taken into consideration and movies balanced and rated against each other under these criteria. Obviously, some may not apply: should I manage to find the silent ones, for instance, a category like "soundtrack" will be meaningless, as will be "effects", mostly. But insofar as I can, I will try to make sure each movie gets the same treatment as the next. Quite obviously, I won't be reviewing them (who doesn't know the story after all, and even with tweaks and twists, it's always still the basic idea of the miser who learns to love Christmas and his fellow man) but will publish the face-offs as I do them, perhaps two or three at a time, and eliminating one or two until I have whittled it down to a final four, six or whatever, which will then be pitted against each other.

Anyone who wants to throw in their comments, suggestions or views is welcome. Let's see which of the many movies made since Dickens first put pen to paper comes out on top.

I'll be doing them, of course, in chronological order, assuming I can find all the ones that have been made. Hopefully we'll see a steady progression from jerky, black-and-white and possibly silent figures pointing at poorly-made effects meant to represent ghosts, to the latest CGI marvels and also seeing different twists on the timeless tale.

Bah! Humbug! Oh very well then: throw another coal onto the fire if you must - think I'm made of money do ye? - and let's get this party started!

A brief note on my scoring system (brief. Yeah. :)) In this faceoff I'm not too concerned with things like box-office returns, budgets or what year each came out. I will be taking into account the acting ability of the cast, but will also be looking at how the character is written, within the confines of the fact that they can't step too far out of the original Dickens model, or they'll certainly lose points. Bill Murray, I'm looking at you! I'll be grading the main characters and also any other supporting ones who impress me, how well the film sticks to the novel, and also how it made me feel in terms of horror, raw emotion and what I'm calling the Puke Level. I don't need to explain that, do I? Areas or scenes of the movie where you just want to chuck. Cratchits, step forward!

If something is original I will award it points, but if it's copied in a later version it may lose points. The ghosts, from the third movie on, will be graded separately and their scores added, as some of the movies only concentrate really on one of them. Any other criteria will be noted and added, with bonus points given for things like innovative twists that work (Kermit) or future stars who play bit parts. There'll be a short (and I mean short. No, I really do this time!) comments section before the score just to give you a basic idea of what I thought of the movie, any interesting, humourous or low points I picked out of it, and how, if at all, it compares to the previous versions I've watched up to that point.

Year: 1910
Medium: Black-and-white
Starring: Marc McDermott, Charls S. Ogle
Directed by: J. Searle Dawley
Length: 20 mins

Brief comments: For an early (the earliest) silent version of the tale, this is a lot better than you would expect. To be able to compress the main storyline (minus Tiny Tim) into such a short space of time is really quite impressive, and the music used really complements the movie (carols and hymns: "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" etc) and is the perfect backdrop. I'm also impressed that there are few of those "cards" used - you know the ones: when the characters speak or when a scene is not obvious and they had to explain, like "Mister Beadle goes into the tea shop". They only use three or four, and only to explain the basics of the story. There is in fact no speech (I know it's a silent movie: I mean no speech on cards) and the acting talent needed to convey the various emotions Scrooge goes through over the course of the twenty minutes, especially his epiphany, is nothing short of inspired. A really good start and something of a revelation.

CHARACTERS
Scrooge: Marc McDermott is perfect in the part. Score of 10, due to the fact that he has to act everything without speaking, and does so very well indeed.
Marley: n/a
Cratchit: A decent performance from Charles S. Ogle, but Scrooge steals the show. Rated at 6.
Tiny Tim: n/a
Others: n/a
The Ghosts: Poor, as you would expect: mostly faintly-glimpsed shadows and suggestions. Compared to the depictions in later movies, even the next one, I'd give this a very low 2.

Faithful to the novel: Very much so, except for the exclusion of Tiny Tim: 9

Emotion level: For a silent movie, yeah, not bad. There were a few tears in your reviewer's eyes. 6

Puke level: Zero really. Without any overly dramatic dialogue it's easier to just get lost in the story.

Horror level: Kind of zero really too. Nothing about this could horrify anyone.

Soundtrack: Even though a silent film it had a decent and well-chosen backdrop of music, so I'd give it a generous 8.

So then, total is 32
Not a terribly high score, but I must award extra points for a) it being the first Scrooge movie and b) conveying the story so well without words. An extra 10 points for each so that makes a total of 52, a much better and more representative score.

Year: 1935
Medium: Black-and-white
Starring: Seymour Hicks, Donald Halthrop, Robert Cochran, Mary Glynne, Garry Marsh
Directed by: Henry Edwards
Length: 63 mins

Brief comments:For the first version with sound this is pretty damn good. Seymour Hicks is a different sort of Scrooge - small, hunched over, with to me a rather uncanny resemblance to Edmund Callon from The Onedin Line, but that's just me: this is way too early for it to be him and anyway it's a different actor. The setting of the scene is a little unnecessarily long, the ghosts are poor at best but the emotional level is decent. Bob Cratchit is most decidedly gay (!) as is Tiny Tim (but I always hated that little bastard anyway) and the ending seems for some reason quite rushed, with a lot of things said literally - "I'll be a second father to Tiny Tim" etc. Overall though, not bad.

I do like how the butcher's shop is closed when he sends the boy to buy the big turkey: well it would be, wouldn't it? It is after all Christmas Day! A lot of versions gloss over this. There's also an unintentionally (I assume) funny scene where the Lord Mayor is throwing a party and his aide asks him, quite straight-faced: "Would Your Honour like to make his speech now, or would you allow the ladies and gentlemen to continue enjoying themselves?" Zing! New aide, please!

CHARACTERS
Scrooge: Seymour Hicks is good in the role: crotchety, mean, twisted and miserable, and also plays the "new" Scrooge well, capering and dancing and grinning like a schoolboy. Scores a good 8
Marley: n/a; never really seen except as a bad reflection in Scrooge's door knocker.
Cratchit: Played well by Donald Calthrop, but his effeminate manner and his almost unreasonable acceptance of Tiny Tim's death in the future sequence annoys me, so I'm only giving him a 7.
Tiny Tim: Gaaah! How I hate him! Still, he's there and he plays his role well, does Philip Frost. AND we get to see him dead. So ... meh alright ... a grudging 6 for him.
Others: Not really. The gentlemen who look for a donation are okay but nothing more, the kid who gets the turkey, the butcher, all ok and Scrooge's nephew is a pain. So as a group I'll give 'em a 4, as nobody really stands out that well.
The Ghosts: Only one ghost really, he of Christmas Present, and he's annoying and in fact the blueprint for many of the future movies for that ghost. For that reason I'll have to give him a 6. The other two are not really seen at all.

Faithful to the novel: Pretty much, yes, so this gets an 8

Emotion level: Yeah, again I teared up a little. 7

Puke level: Quite high, mostly due to Cratchit and his annoying family. The puke level, if awarded, is a minus figure, so here we get -7

Horror level: I was quite chilled by the trio dividing up Scrooge's belongings; they were evil incarnate, but casual evil, which made it worse. Taking his bedsheets from the corpse's bed? And his shirt? Brrr! A big 10 here for the horror level!

Soundtrack: Kind of copies the silent movie, so though it's okay I'll have to take points away for originality and give it a 5

So what have we got then?
Total = 54
Must award points for being the first sound version, another 10
So a total then of 64

Note: I wanted to do these in chronological order - all I could find anyway - but the next one up is the first Hollywood version, very important, released in 1938. It's proved hard to track down and I've had to buy it, so while I wait for the DVD to arrive I'm going to move on (Christmas post, you know?) and I'll come back to it when I can. For now, the next one up is...

Year: 1951
Medium: Black-and-white
Starring: Alastair Sim, Kathleeen Harrison, Mervyn Johns, George Cole, Patrick Macnee, Hermione Baddeley
Directed by: Brian Desmond Hurst
Length: 86 mins

Brief comments: A decent version, follows the story well but I think gets a little bogged down, both in Scrooge's dealings with his company and a hitherto-unnamed character who was never in the book, and with the Ghost of Christmas Past; his past experiences take up nearly half the movie! Also, at the end for some reason, Tiny bloody Tim is walking! Don't think that was ever explained: even with all Scrooge's money I don't think he could invent a cure for polio, or whatever it was the kid was suffering from that made him lame. Bit overkill maybe?

CHARACTERS
Scrooge: Good portrayal by Sim, but a better one by a young George Cole (Arfur Daley) as the young Ebeneezer. Give him a 7
Marley: Awful. Hammy overacting and much moaning and wailing. To think this man would go on to become super-suave Steed in The Avengers! Visually, just a faded man. A very poor 3
Cratchit: Annoying and crawly as ever; not quite as gay as in the previous film. Give him a 7
Tiny Tim: Very annoying and smug. Irritating to the nth degree. 3
Others: Hattie Jacques shines as Fan, Ebeneezer's sister, and Kathleen Harrison is excellent in an expanded role for his housekeeper. Both get a solid 7 for their role.
The Ghosts: Ghost of Christmas Past: Terrible, just a shadow. 3
                    Ghost of Christmas Present: A rip-off from the previous film. Another 3. Nothing new.
                      Ghost of Christmas to Come: A bony hand/hooded silent figure. Sigh. 3
Ghosts total: 9

Faithful to the novel: Yeah, pretty much so though the addition of Jorkin is annoying and serves no real purpose, plus he's a prick. So lose points for that. Say 6

Emotion level: Teared up a little but not much. 3

Puke level: Extended scenes with the Cratchits and in Scrooge's past earn this a healthy -8

Horror level: None. Zero. Even the "dividing-up" scene here can't compare to the pure dread and chilling horror of the 1938 version.

Soundtrack: Again, nothing special. Your basic hymns and carols. Yawn. Another 5.

Total = 39
Lowest score yet. But add in a plus 5 for each well-known names, or names that would become well-known in Cole, Jacques, MacNee (even if he did ham the role up more than a bacon sandwich!) and Jack Warner, later to be Dixon of Dock Green gives an additional 20
Making the total a much more respectable 59

The way it will work then is that three movies are faced off against each other, and the winner from each trio goes through to the "quarter finals" as it were. Then later, the five/six best are faced off in two groups until finally we have two Scrooge movies who will go head-to-head, the best of the best, to decide which of them I consider to be the top of all the versions of this magical tale.

So in this round the clear winner in the 1935 version with Seymour Hicks, with a grand total of 64. This movie will then go through to face whichever wins the next round, coming up as soon as I've had a chance to watch three more movies!

Winner of Round 1: 1935 (dir. Henry Edwards)

(https://i.postimg.cc/HLNwT9wx/xmastv1.jpg)
It happens every Christmas of course. They trot out every festive episode of every show they can, from Friends (one assumes, never watched it: don't hate myself that much) to Only Fools and Horses. Some are good, some are bad. Here I'll be trying to focus on the good. Some of these are shows I've previously written about and like, some are ones I've never seen, and admittedly, one or two may be shows I would not otherwise watch. But the Christmas shows are worth writing about. In the cases of the latter two, I'll give a brief introduction for those who have not seen these shows. As in this first one...
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fzap2it.tmsimg.com%2Ftvbanners%2Fh5%2FAllPhotos%2F184446%2Fp184446_b_h3_aa.jpg&hash=cd9eaf4627dee7ee2f781557fe7c9e465cb1f3b6)
Focussing on the character of John Becker, a doctor who is so miserable, angry, intolerant and selfish that he makes Mister Burns seem like a real sweetie, Becker starred Cheers mainman Ted Danson who, ably assisted by his long-suffering assistant Margaret, his dizzy receptionist Linda and his blind friend Jake, tries to make it through the next day without murdering someone. Sometimes he succeeds. As a doctor, his bedside manner is not the greatest, but he takes what he does seriously. It's when he's outside his surgery, trying to deal with the real world, that things really take a turn for the worse.

Becker hates Christmas. It's just an excuse for people to spend money, and to encourage you to spend money. People you haven't seen all year turn up on your doorstep, act as if they're happy to see you and you're supposed to be happy to see them. They eat all your food, drink all your booze and then fuck off a day later to return to wherever the hell it is they come from, and good riddance to them. And family ain't the worst of it! Out on the streets there's a sense of wonder in the air, shop Santas stand on every corner, ringing their goddamn bells and bellowing about toys, people you don't even know and care less for accost you and wish you a Happy Christmas. It's cold, it's usually snowing, the sidewalks are slippery and every shop seems to be enticing you into spending your hard-earned cash on people you don't care about.

Yes, a real-life Scrooge indeed. For Becker, the thought of goodwill to all men involves locking himself in his room with enough booze to knock out a small-sized army, and waiting out the hated holiday season, not emerging again until January, after the equally annoying New Year's Eve. So you can imagine he's not exactly best pleased when, on  a reluctant foray into a department store his back suddenly goes, and he is forced to remain in the festively bedecked, holly-covered shop for hours. He must feel like all his Christmases have come at once, which, while it would be normally considered a good thing, is for Becker the equivalent of Hell.

Becker: "Dr. Angry head"

Becker has reached an agreement with Christmas: no expectations, no disappointments. Seems to be working for him. Everyone else around him though seem to be getting affected by his hatred of Christmas. Jake is annoyed he can't go spend the festive season at his grandma's, as he does every year, since she is going to Atlantic City with her friend. ("Between them they have a walker, a wheelchair and an oxygen tank, and they think I'll be the one in the way!") Reggie's Christmas tree falls over, crushing her hand-painted Christmas bauble, with an angel blowing a trumpet which Becker opines is more like Liberace drinking a martini, a precious keepsake from her childhood, and Bob has not got one Christmas card from any of his tenants. To make things worse, Reggie's arch-rival, Sally from the bakery, has collected the most toys for the Christmas Toy Drive seven years in a row, and Reggie now intends to beat her at her own game.

While passing through a store, Becker notices that a Christmas tree in the display happens to contain a decoration just like the one that broke on Reggie. In an uncharacteristic gesture of kindness, he decides to buy it but the store manager will not sell it to him. Frustrated and angry, and determined to get the ball, Becker stands on the display and tries to take the thing off the tree, whereupon his back goes out and he collapses on to the display. Unable to move him, the staff have to leave him there, and every child that comes by presses the button to activate the display, until he thinks he will be hearing the cute little song in his nightmares for months.

Meanwhile, Reggie's plans to beat Sally have come to nothing. Despite going to such lengths as having Bob take toys from the lost-and-found at his building and putting a sign on Jake's back which says I'm blind, please give me toys she is still well behind in the count. Then she hears with delight the news that Sally's bakery has burned down, taking with it all the toys she had assembled for the Toy Drive. "Miracles can happen", she says. "God bless us, every one!"


QUOTES
Jake (on hearing Becker enter, shouting at a woman about her dog): "Merry Christmas? Or should I just go screw myself?"

Margaret (listing the patients): "In two, there's a Santa with a black eye."
Becker: "I don't care who he's with: what's wrong with him?"
Margaret: "Not a black guy! A black eye!"

Becker: "Look Santa, the traditional greeting is "Ho ho ho!" If a pretty girl walks by and you just say "ho" she has every right to deck you!"

Becker (after tripping in the store and activating a cute, animated display complete with chipmunk voices): "I'm in Hell!"

Manager: "You're going to have to get up."
Becker: "I can't get up. I can't move my legs, I can barely move my arms. You're going to have to move me. But do it gently."
Manager: "I'm sorry, but the lawyers tell us we can't help anyone. Train."
Becker: "What the hell are you talking about, train?"
(A small train that is making a circuit around the display hits into his head)
Manager: "As I said, train."

(Becker has now been covered up with foam and plastic to make it, as he snarls at the manager, look as if he is a part of the display. All that is visible is his head)

Kid: "Momma I don't like that toy! It's mean Mr. Angry Head!"
Becker: "That's Doctor Angry Head!"

Becker (to kid about to push the activation button for the display): "No no kid! Don't push that button! If you do, I swear to God Santa won't bring you a single present! All right, all right! I'll give you a dollar, no no! Five dollars not to push the button! All right: twenty dollars. I can't move though, you'll have to reach into my pocket to get my wallet."
Kid: "Oh no! We saw a film in school about men like you!"

Okay then let's return to
(https://i.postimg.cc/QtRVBBPj/cartoonxmas1.jpg)
(https://i.ytimg.com/vi/eqDtqJ5_3Vg/hqdefault.jpg)

Episode title: "For Whom the Sleigh Bell Tolls"
Series: American Dad
Season: Six
First transmitted: December 12 2010
Written by: Erik Durbin

Note: I'm confused here. Wiki says this is a season six episode, yet shows it on the link for season seven. My own downloads have it in season seven, so I don't know, but be that as it may....

The first in a loose trilogy based on the Smiths' to-be-ongoing war with Santa, this is about as far from The Simpsons as you can get, even further than Family Guy, made by the same team.

Stan, no surprise to anyone, does not believe in Santa and is incensed that not only his own son (who always acts to me like he's seven years old when he's like fourteen, but that's a gripe for another time) but Jeff does; Hayley thinks it's very endearing but Stan does not agree. Francine is trying to start a new Christmas tradition, but again Stan, the eternal luddite, is not interested. He tells his wife he is getting Steve a gun for Christmas, so that they can bond. She's not happy and asks him to promise he will not but he does so anyway. Steve is less than impressed with his present, but Stan takes him shooting and, like any kid with a dangerous weapon, he soon warms to it. Meanwhile Roger is on a quest to find the strongest alcohol known to man, and is put on the trail of a legendary brewer who lives high in the Chimdale mountains.

Firing at a snowman, Steve accidentally kills a mall Santa (department store Santa to us) and while his son gibbers on, traumatised, Stan looks after disposing of the body. But before he can do so, Francine finds it in the boot of his car, and after expressing appropriate outrage that her son has killed a man, with a gun Stan gave him (a gun he had promised not to give him) she decides that rather than have Christmas ruined by having her son and husband locked up, she will go along with the secret burial of the body, and keep the police out of it. Stan seems bemused that the guy's fingerprints are not on the CIA database, but shrugs it off. Roger meets the moonshiner Bob Todd, who says he will teach him how to make the strongest whisky on earth.

The Smith family start to get cryptic, threatening messages that seem to indicate someone knows what they did this winter (see what I did there?) and Greg the news anchor announces that it doesn't feel like Christmas at all. There's something missing, almost as if ... as if someone had killed Santa Claus! As they debate the absurdity of such an idea - that Steve could have killed not a mall Santa but the real deal - they dig up the body and find to their horror it is gone! Nothing left behind by a bullet-riddled Santa suit. Another note warns them they have been naughty, and Santa is not happy. Just then an elf appears and tells them Santa is not dead, but recovering in the North Pole, but that he'll be back in good time - before the sun rises - to kill them all!

Roger, returned from his spell on the mountain, leads them all back there to hide, and they all head inside Bob Todd's cabin just as the sun sinks below the horizon. Jeff arrives to join them, much to Stan's anger, and then his anger turns to fear as Santa appears in the sky, leading his elf hordes to war against the Smiths. Bob Todd breaks out the weapons and they engage the enemy. Wave after wave of sleigh-riding elf attacks, and the Smiths pick them off with nothing worse on their side than an arrow shot into Stan's arm, which he contemptuously removes. Then the ground shakes and the trees part, and a massive snowman approaches.

Bob soaks a barrel in his super-strong moonshine and kicks it down the hill, where it hits the snowman, goes through him, he explodes and ejects a barrage of presents. Opening one which falls into his hands, Bob is attacked by a baby version of the snowman, but it is easily put down. All through the attack Hayley asks her mother when Stan will accept Jeff as part of the family, and Francine advises her to give him time to get used to the idea. Hayley says it's been four years. Santa lands and tries to get Jeff to defect, tempting him with the polar bear helmet from the movie The Golden Compass, which he had asked for in his letter to Santa at the opening of the episode. Everyone is shocked when he goes forward to accept, abandoning the Smiths, but once he has the helmet on he head-butts Santa. The helmet is spiked, so this really hurts, and Jeff legs it back to help bring Stan inside the cabin.

Hopelessly outnumbered, the family are doomed and Stan and Jeff stand back to back as they face defeat together, going out as a family. Luckily, time has run out on Santa, as he can only exist up to Christmas Day, and the sun is now up, so he has to retreat and pull his forces back to the North Pole, promising to return next year to finish the job.


Notes

While unlike The Simpsons episodes there are no new characters introduced here, the relationship between Jeff and Stan does reach new lows, and then finally a high as Stan sees that Jeff is ready to die for Hayley's sake, and resist the temptation to betray the family to Santa. Of course, this won't hold: Stan will always hate Jeff. Apart from that one time when he thought he was bonding with Jeff but it was actually an alien, but that's another story. Jeff also comes out of his shell for once, standing up to Stan and telling him he does not approve of how he treats his daughter, Jeff's wife. He tells Stan he did not come back for his sake, but for Hayley's.

I really like this episode because it blows apart the traditional norms of Christmas episodes on TV shows, animated or otherwise. Only Bottom has, to my knowledge, dared to turn Christmas upside down... oh, no: Blackadder did it too. Well, they're the only ones I know of that do it. In a time of supposed love, fellowship and peace we get a story of murder, revenge, conflict and, um, bestiality high up in the mountains. Bob Todd, a clear caricature (or not) of a moonshinin', gun-ownin', government-hatin' redneck living in a cabin, works well in the story, both giving the Smiths a place to make their last stand and providing them the heavy weaponry to do so, while Roger I have to say is pretty poorly underused here, though normally he's the one that tends to hold these episodes together, so I guess he was due an off-day.

His story of searching for the perfect whisky is okay, but without the battle it wouldn't stand up on its own, so it's lucky it's used as a plot device to get the Smiths to their own kind of Waco stand-off. The irony of Stan, an agent of the CIA, standing shoulder to shoulder with the kind of man who would burn down all government buildings if he could, is not lost on me, though perhaps they missed a trick by not having Stan reveal who he worked for, and making it a kind of "all hostilities suspended/truce" thing between the two while they take on the greater enemy.

I don't like the scene where the guy interrupts the shop keeper as he's explaining to Roger about Bob Todd - he keeps asking annoying questions and I guess it's meant to dilute the tension, slow down the drama and poke fun at the whole idea of the story, but to me it's just irritating and I don't see any reason for its being there. It's kind of a small niggle though in a story that is otherwise very satisfying, the perfect antidote for those who are at this point up to here with Christmas and peace on Earth and all that guff.

The battle is of course modelled strongly on those from The Lord of the Rings, right up to the emergence of the massive snowman (who doesn't last long, and should, I believe, have been given more of a chance to wreak havoc before being so easily disposed of) and the last-stand nature of the attack; I guess it's meant to be Helm's Deep or something. Very clever. The resolution is also good, almost a nod to vampire movies where the vampire realises too late that he has strayed into the morning sun and burns up. Santa kind of fizzles out as the sun rises, unable to maintain his coherence in the world after Christmas Day, perhaps also a wry comment on how quickly the feelings of brotherhood and love are forgotten once the presents have been opened and the dinner consumed.

American Dad's Santa is somewhat similar to Futurama's Robot Santa, a nasty dude to encounter when he's mad. So, you know, you better watch out. I like the touch where he lights his cigar off Rudolph's red nose (well, one of the reindeer; it's never named as Rudolph but you would guess so) and also the idea of using another reindeer as a battering ram - the antlers bringing the word back to its origin, perhaps.

It's also nice to see - though we've seen it before so it's no real surprise - that the makers of American Dad aren't afraid of showing violence or blood, even - especially - in a Christmas episode. If red and white are the traditional Christmas colours, there's a hell of a lot of the former on display here! It's violent; comically violent and yet, in a way, maybe not so much. Maybe this is a kind of catharsis, a chance for those who really have had enough of the Christmas season, carols, presents, snow and mistletoe (and overpriced toys to be bought) to really let loose on the festive period and let out a collective, animalistic roar of NO! ENOUGH!

Or, you know, maybe it's just a really funny cartoon.

Just to show I'm not totally against Christmas (I'm not, honestly!) I'm going to try to feature one or two genuine Christmas movies that we all enjoy. If you haven't seen these, try to make sure you do: they're almost guaranteed to be on the box over the festive period. Of course, these days you can just stream them. Either way, balancing out all the poor and worse than poor Christmas movies you can be threatened with this or any year, these are timeless, definitely worth watching and each one is one of what I want to call
(https://i.postimg.cc/Ls7J4Khh/THXmasclassics.png)

(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2Fthumb%2F7%2F7f%2FWillyWonkaMoviePoster.jpg%2F225px-WillyWonkaMoviePoster.jpg&hash=f4cb2ca25ae82269b4d6ae07741d17f8b4f7a560)

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (Paramount Pictures, 1971)

Sure, Johnny Depp and Tim Burton between them tried to ruin this classic with a remake but this will forever remain the quintessential kids' flick, with its tale of an eccentric millionaire who makes the most scrumptious chocolate in the world, and opens his factory on one special day to five lucky children who have won the competition he ran. The children are allowed roam the factory in the company of Wonka and his assistants, the orange-skinned Oompa Loompas, and are literally kids in a candy store. But the movie pushes morality hard, and those who do not listen to reason and exercise restraint can expect to learn some very hard lessons indeed.

Gene Wilder in one of his greatest roles makes the movie as the screwy Willy Wonka, while everyone else to be fair fade in the shadow of his talent. Some great songs too, and a typical "fun for all the family" movie which, for once, is. I could watch this a thousand times and never get sick of it. Well, 999 times anyway. Has inspired parody from Futurama and Simpsons to Family Guy, and though author Roald Dahl disowned the film version it has, for better or worse, been subsumed into the human consciousness now and is as much a part of Christmas as the Queen's speech or Cliff Richard. Or whatever your American equivalent is. Probably something to do with baseball.

But the sad fact is that the larger percent of Christmas movies are trash, and so we edge back cautiously in the direction of
(https://i.postimg.cc/ZKfcjqwX/25worstfilms1.png)
and cook up a fresh batch. Unfortunately (though it's all in good humour, right? RIGHT?) there seems to be a never-ending supply. Like this one.

(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/c/c9/Prancer_film.jpg)

If this wasn't a Christmas movie (barely) that would sound more like the title of some film about a gay man who risks everything to become a ballet star. Or something. But it is a Christmas move (barely) and it is about the reindeer (sort of) who has a bit part in that song, as explained by IMDB, who are at this point I think getting tired of our copying-and-pasting their hard-thought-out plot summaries. Fuck 'em: it's Christmas, or will be soon. Season of goodwill, so they had better just accept it or we'll kick their heads in.

Jessica, the daughter of an impoverished farmer, still believes in Santa Claus. So when she comes across a reindeer with an injured leg, it makes perfect sense to her to assume that it is Prancer, who had fallen from a Christmas display in town. She hides him in her barn and feeds him cookies, until she can return him to Santa. Her father finds him and decides to sell him to the butcher, not for venison chops, but as an advertising display.

Oh, and if this is you, Trollheart, fuck off and write your own summaries! And Happy Holidays, you cunt.

Heartwarming. eh? Why doesn't she think it's Rudolph? After all, he's the most famous reindeer of all, according to Bing Crosby and a hundred other crooners who remind us every Christmas about the exploits of the nasally-challenged one. Why not Dancer? Comet? Vixen? Donner or Blitzen? Why choose the gayest reindeer of all? Cos she's a girl? Cos it sounds good? Cos I don't care? Well I don't. Did anyone else?

Let's see: Sam Elliott, kind of know him. Cloris Leachman? Isn't she or wasn't she Karla in Cheers? Yeah, that's about it. Not even any funny characters. Plenty of "Boys", and a Mr Wood is the best I can come up with. No, I agree, it's not that funny. About as funny as the backers of this movie must have felt when it nosedived at the box office, assuming it ever got there. Oh look! With staggering lack of hindsight and an almost admirable determination, they made a sequel. In 2001. Right. Some people don't know when to stop flogging a dead reindeer (sorry).

Nor do I, as I will definitely flog what flesh remains off that when I have a chance. But not right now. We have, possibly, worse movies to slag off.

Like this one. As I said in the (chortle) review of the previous movie, if you're going to make a Christmas film about a reindeer, then your choices should be limited to one. This one, indisputably the most famous reindeer of all. Well, do you know any more famous? Or even, famous at all? Thought not. Now shut up and let me unleash what little searing wit I still have before they take away my licence.

(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/1/12/Poster_of_the_movie_Rudolph_the_Red-Nosed_Reindeer.jpg)

Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer: The Movie (1998)

As if the tale of the Ugly Duckling wasn't enough to show that prejudice exists even in the animal kingdom, we've had the story of Rudolph to sing along to now for more decades than I care to remember. This however is not the charming Burl Ives vehicle from 1964, but a sickly-sweet, formulaic, cloying and embarrassingly trite tale of redemption for one plucky reindeer. Yeah it's for kids but come on: even tots are going to be rolling their eyes at this and wishing Prancer, Dancer (gay or what?) Blitzen and all the other 'deer would just take ol' Red-Nose "out back" and teach him a few home truths about life at the North Pole! The plot, such as it is, from our friends at IMDB:

Young Rudolph suffers a childhood accident that sees his nose turn from the publicly accepted norm of black to a glowing red colour. His parents worry about him getting teased, and indeed he does in the end. When he is beaten in the reindeer games by his rival for a doe he fancies, Rudolph runs away and moves into a cave with Slyly the Fox. However can he overcome his fear and reach his true potential?

Animated movies always draw a stellar cast, and this is no exception, with giants like John Goodman, Whoopi Goldberg, Bob Newhart, Eric Idle  and even the legendary screen icon Debbie  Reynolds (those royalties must need a little topping up I guess) lending their voices to the project. Mind you, a character described as "Elf referee at games" has me intrigued. Though not that intrigued!

(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/f/f2/Santa%27s_Little_Helper_%2715.jpg)
 
Santa's Little Helper (2015)

No, not the charming doggy from The Simpsons: this is a direct-to-DVD-to-dumpster affront to humanity, another of those movies wherein wrestlers (who, I suppose it's fair to say, can act) try to become movie stars and without exception fail miserably. I refer you to Santa With Muscles. Say no more. However it seems even Hulk Hogan would blush at this. It's so bad that no critic would talk about it on Rotten Tomatoes, nor are there any audience reviews. Seems to take the basic idea from Ernest Saves Christmas and expand it somewhat, in that Santa is looking, not this time for a replacement, but for a new helper. He chooses Dax, the wrestler known as The Miz (?) and sets him many tasks to see if he is up to the job.

The Miz is a Scrooge-like figure when we meet him, probably closer to Bill Murray's character in Scrooged than anything Dickens wrote, a corporate hatchet-man who is trying to close down a community centre. With magic balls, (ooer!) obstacle courses to be overcome (of course), an elf who is ostracised because of her freakishly round ears and a soppy love story, this sounds like the sort of thing even Adam Sandler would turn down.

Rotten Tomatoes ratings

Tomatometer: n/a
Audience Score: 24%

IMDB Rating

4.7/10

Metacritic rating

Not available

Oh wait! We have reviews. IMDB to the rescue! Let's see...

There are a lot of negatives you could bring up about this movie; it's cheesy, the acting and plot are questionable, it drags in the middle, and the humour is way too basic. However it does qualify as a reasonably good Christmas movie and since that is what it is supposed to be then you can generally ignore most of those points. The only thing that might put some people off is the small amount of male-female violence that is present, as well as the assertion that men and women should be treated equally both physically and mentally. Personally I think that makes this film stand out, but it might offend some others (although a lot of the positive steps the film takes in this area is undercut by the lead female character being so taken aback by the man's insistence that she is pretty, because you know, that is all women want out of life.

(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/d/d6/Call_Me_Claus_poster.jpg)

Call Me Claus (2001)

And yet another movie in which Santa decides to, as Homer once put it, run out the clock in Florida (or somewhere warmer than the North Pole anyway) and looks for someone to whom to pass the red suit. You would have thought someone of Whoopi Goldberg's stature would have known better than to get involved in this, but then, Nigel Hawthorne also chose it as his final performance. Given his many roles, more notably as the mad king of England in The Madness of King George, Amistad, his many Shakespearian roles, not to mention being fondly remembered as the machiavellian and loquacious Sir Humphrey Appleby in Yes Minister and Yes Prime Minister, it seems doubtful that he would have wanted to have left this as his final contribution to the world of television and cinema, but there it is. Apparently he died less than a month after the movie's release, on Boxing Day (known to us Irish as St. Stephen's Day). A sad loss.

Something of a twist on the old story here, with Santa warning Lucy (Goldberg) that if he doesn't find a replacement the world will be drowned in a great flood. Why? It seems to be a typical feel-good movie where everything works out in the end, though Lucy takes some convincing. Well, you would, wouldn't you? Is the world ready for a black,female Santa? I guess in 2001 they thought so. Personally, as long as it keeps her out of Ten Forward with that stupid pizza-delivery hat I'm all for it. Hokum, basically, from what I can see.

Rotten Tomatoes ratings

Tomatometer: n/a
Audience Score: 47%

IMDB rating

5.4/10

Metacritic rating

n/a

You know, I don't get it. Some of the quotes from critics on Rotten Tomatoes are shown as "not available". If they're not available why have they got them there? I understand some of the magazines, blogs etc may wish to keep copyright and so don't release the quotes, but why even show them if you can't read them? It's not like there's a link so you can go to the website of whomever the critic works for. Anyway, the few who are available say this.

With Brian Stokes Mitchell and Victor Garber also trying a little too hard, according to John Leonard writing in New York Magazine/Vulture, while Andrea Beach of Common Sense Media notes that although it's a Predictable, dated holiday film is refreshingly multiracial.
 
Audiences were similarly underwhelmed:

It was okay - one of those movies that's good for background while doing other Christmas activities.

I think it should've been released into cinemas rather than made for TV...instead, this year - we got Elf! What's with that? Although this film is rather slow paced, it's funny in all the right places and without trying too hard.

Here you go: just to further annoy you, there are Chinese (or Asian anyway) subtitles. Enjoy!

Like this one.
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/d/d0/Movieposterdeckthehalls.jpg)
Deck the Halls (2006)

Possibly the only good thing this film has going for it is that it does not feature Adam Sandler. Or Vince Vaughn. It does however feature Danny DeVito and Matthew Broderick, who really should both have known better. It's a timeless tale of the Christmas spirit crumbling under the assault of petty neighbourhood rivalry and childish one-upmanship in a time when such things should be relegated to a place of much less importance. Or, as IMDB puts it:

Two neighbors have it out after one of them decorates his house for the holidays so brightly that it can be seen from space.

Rather like their egos, I would imagine. Oh yes, it's one of those movies I remember being introduced with the annoying phrase "This holiday season". This fucking holiday season? What's with that? What's wrong with "this Christmas"?! Okay, so not every culture celebrates Christmas, but I think that's going too far. What's next? Holiday Season cards? Merry Holiday Season? Oh wait, you guys already say "Happy Holidays", don't you? I rest my case.

But wait just one moment! Did I notice the name of Garry Chalk there? Yeah, so what you say. Ah, shows what you know! Let me just check my files... YES! He also took part in that Rudolph movie, where he was the voice both of Blitzen and Rudolph's father (unless they're both the same reindeer? THAT would be weird!); not only that, but he seems to have featured in a good many other Christmas movies, as well as a whole slew of, er, Barbie stuff. Hmmm....

(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.trollheart.com%2Fxmasthsmall.png&hash=6a743e1650ec2656e0f53fb5e3f4dddcd66c1186)
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.trollheart.com%2F25worstfilms.png&hash=8d2142ed4b6577c706c82892b98e7a8aaf5f2d5b)
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F4.bp.blogspot.com%2F_blewcwMdz2w%2FR0jZFQ6YPyI%2FAAAAAAAABD0%2FpAurjI7_SeM%2Fs400%2Fc-cwasnt01.jpg&hash=58474fdcd757507b612dcfa017626c011089a7ee)

The Christmas That Almost Wasn't (1966)

But unfortunately was. Yes, they even made bad movies in the sixties. In Italian. Badly-dubbed Italian. Well, deck the halls! Here's the skinny from IMDB:

Sam Whipple, an attorney in once-upon-a-time-land, is startled to receive a visit from Santa Claus shortly before Christmas. It seems that when he was a child, Sam wrote a letter thanking Santa for the presents he'd received, and offering to return the favor someday. That day is now - a mean old soul named Phineas Prune, who holds the deed to the North Pole, is demanding back rent. Otherwise, he's going to evict Santa, Mrs. Claus and the elves and take all the Christmas toys. It's up to Sam and Santa to find a way to pay off Prune and prevent Christmas from being canceled.

Well now, this is new to me. I was not aware that the presents I received as a child from Santa were given conditionally, that, as a certain Mafia godfather once husked, I do this for you, someday I ask you to do something for me. Very Italian, I must say. What happens to those who, when asked to "repay the favour", refuse? Are their toys confiscated? More likely, relocated to the bottom of the ocean, most probably weighing down the corpse of their owner. What happens at the North Pole, stays at the North pole, capische?

Nobody in it that I know, as they're all Italians, so plenty of Salvatores, Francos and Marcos, but sadly no role for Clint Eastwood, which would probably have been the only way to liven up this dull, one-dimensional embarrassment of a movie. Mamma mia!

I also of course can never read this title without thinking of that terrible movie the kids in The Simpsons were forced to endure, thinking they were going to see The Grinch. When the old reel copy of The Christmas That Almost Wasn't, Then Was burned up, it was probably the most cheers it ever received. Likely the same tale for this turd from Turin maybe.

Although I feel I must take issue with the rather grandiose claim on the blurb accompanying the movie: "A more wonderful, more magical, more musical entertainment than this... there just isn't!" Hello? Trade Descriptions Office? Yes I can hold...  ::)

(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2Fthumb%2F9%2F98%2FAmerican_carol_08.jpg%2F220px-American_carol_08.jpg&hash=b612e6a765ee25956835195ce3d99c8578ea2020)

An American Carol (2008)

God loves America. This is an undisputed fact. At least, if you're American. God is good. Santa is good. Santa therefore also loves America. Quite obvious really. erom rof uoy Michael Moore does not love America. At least, not if you're a neo-Conservative, Tea Party member or card-carrying Republican. Santa therefore does not love Michael Moore. Michael Moore is Scrooge.

Thus runs the rather skewed and partisan logic that leads to the premise of this particular Christmas turkey, where a miser, thinly disguised but clearly based on the maverick film-maker and scourge of presidents of the USA since 2001, is taught the meaning of Christmas. Take it away, IMDB!

An anti-American filmmaker who's out to abolish the July Fourth holiday is visited by three ghosts who try to change his perception of the country.

Rather surprisingly, this is written by one of  the Zuckers, who brought us such comedy classics as Airplane! and The Naked Gun, and hosts some heavy hitters, including Dennis Hopper, Leslie Nielsen (no real surprise there), Kevin Sorbo and ... Kelsey Grammer? Surely he didn't need the money? Or the screentime? Also poking their noses in to deliver the Word according to Bush and Reagan are country superstar Trace Adkins (yeah), Jon Voight and James Woods. Oh, and Paris Hilton, as if anyone cared.

What's even weirder though is that although this is basically marketed as a Christmas movie (as if you couldn't tell from the title or the Scroogeisms) they use Independence Day as the holiday Micheal Moore, sorry, the protagonist wants to abolish. Why? Cos Christmas ain't American enough? Ah, God bless 'em, huh? Probably on Trump's must-watch Christmas movies list.

That one's pretty bad, admittedly. But I can top it. Oh yes I can. How about
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/3/31/Rudolph_and_Frosty%27s_Christmas_in_July_logo.jpg)

Rudolph and Frosty: Christmas in July (1980)

Uh, what? I don't... um... should this be subtitled "This time it's summery!"? Yeah. Words fail me. God bless the Japanese, who never allow logic to stand in the way or making a few million Yen.

Rotten Tomatoes ratings

Tomatometer: 20%
Audience Score: 36%

IMDB rating

6.7/10 (huh?)

Metacritic rating:

n/a

I'll leave it to the critics.

Like Emily VanderWerff of Vox, who comments, quite reasonably, the attempts to turn these corny stories into some sort of epic strain with flopsweat, and the hoped-for Avengers-style team-up of the company's big two mostly results in scenes where you wonder why Frosty's not melting in the middle of July

Indeed. And Matthew Jackson of SyFyWire is of a similar opinion:
The idea of crossing over Rudolph and Frosty is logical, because they were the company's two most popular character (aside from maybe Santa Claus), but the way it actually happens is just nuts

While Nancy Davis Kho of Common Sense Media was more direct: Dark, creepy story lacks Yuletide spirit.

Those who weren't paid (so far as I know anyway) to watch it more or less agreed with these assessments:

Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July has its moments, but overall it's a disappointing effort that's kind of lacking the spirit of the season (either one of them).

wha? I didn't quite understand or appreciate this movie. It's long and makes little sense. The idea of having Christmas in July at a big circus parade is very unusual. The songs just aren't very memorable.

And there we'll leave it I think.

Let's leave the bad movies for now and concentrate on good comedy. And when I say good, I mean bad. Or good. Depending on what your sense of humour is like. Yes, time to check out another of those
(https://i.postimg.cc/HLNwT9wx/xmastv1.jpg)
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/f/fc/Bottom_TV_Show_Screenshot_Main_Title_Card.png)
Created by two alumni from the anarchic classic sitcom The Young Ones, the series stars Adrian "Ade" Edmondson as Eddie Hitler and the late Rik Mayall as Richard Richard (usually referred to as Ritchie) in a carryover from a previous comedy starring them both and using the same names though different surnames, Filthy, Rich and Catflap. Eddie and Ritchie are two ne'er-do-well wasters who spend their days moping about their flat, moaning about why they never get girls and devising ever more complicated and outlandish ways to fill the boredom between waking to another day on the dole and heading to bed.

Showing the stunning creativity and acting talent of the pair, one of the episodes takes place entirely aboard a giant ferris wheel, which is due to be demolished later. Many comics can do a solo stand-up routine but it is quite another to do that on TV, deprived of props, distractions or a straight man. This is something Richard Wilson found to his cost when he starred alone in one episode of the hugely popular One Foot in the Grave, one which most people agree was the least funny of the entire series.

Though both are hilariously funny in a "God-they-didn't-did-they?" kind of way, in general Mayall was seen more as the straight man (though paradoxically was the most funny - the guy who's hilarious because he doesn't get the  joke) and Edmondson the witty one. But each worked extremely well off each other, which is why with the sudden passing of Mayall it seems there will be no more of this series, which ran from 1991 to 1995, and the future of Ade Edmondson is, at this moment, uncertain.

But back in 1992 they were at their creative peak, Mayall had yet to experience the horrific quad accident which would later lead to his untimely death, and moving into the last few episodes of the second season of their wildly successful show. As October gave way to November and the nights began getting both colder and darker, the bumbling duo decided to take on the fast-approaching Christmas, in their own inimical way.

Bottom: "Holy"

Ritchie is like a child, waiting for Christmas with joy and excitement, though also playing the role of Santa Claus to them both. Little does he know, though, as he steals into Eddie's bedroom, that his friend has set a most complicated trap for Santa, and he is soon dangling from a noose. As he kicks his feet and struggles for breath, Eddie cuts him down (after first telling him "It'll cost ya ten quid!") and Santa/Ritchie hobbles, bloody and limping, out of the bedroom. Returning a moment later (just as Ritchie this time) he pretends excitement - ("I thought I heard sleighbells, Eddie! Has he been?") - he proceeds to open all the presents that have been left, while Eddie tries to sleep. It is, after all, only 3:30 AM!

After the present opening, it's time to get ready to make the Christmas dinner, so while Ritchie gets the turkey ready Eddie decorates the place, which basically involves him spraying "Eddie is great" in spray snow on the walls. Unfortunately there's a traditional Christmas accident, as Ritchie chops off one of his fingers with a cleaver. Eddie staples it back on, and by the time Ritchie recovers consciousness it's almost time for dinner, and the guests, such as they are, are arriving. These end up being Eddie's dodgy mates, Spudgun and Dave Hedgehog, who are less than impressed with the meal they are served up. Well, they would be, wouldn't they? The potatoes are so hard they break the plates when dropped on them, the sprouts are as crunchy as hell, and due to a miscalculation on the timings, the turkey has been reduced to a tiny, crisped husk. They're also drinking gravy, as "somebody" has polished off all the sherry!

As Ritchie tries unsuccessfully to engage the guys in games, there is a ring at the door and Ritchie discovers that someone has left a baby on their doorstep. Taking it indoors, he is somehow unaccountably seized by the notion that this is the Second Coming, and that he is the Virgin Mary! He quickly begins to plan revenge on all those who offended him, now that he has been revealed as the mother of God, but all too soon their landlord knocks, declaring that the child is his daughter's and that he just left him there as it was too much hassle to take him with them to the bedside of his wife, who has very selfishly started to die on Christmas Day.

QUOTES
Eddie: "Did you post my letter to Santa Claus? Cos I can't seem to find the "Starbird" that I asked for. Or me Batman cape. Or the ticket to the Bahamas!"

Ritchie: "I thought you said you were going to get me something sun-kissed and exotic?"
Eddie: "And I have! Just open it." (Ritchie does)
Ritchie: "It's a miniature bottle of Malibu. Correction: it's an empty miniature bottle of Malibu."
Eddie: "Correct. Merry Christmas, Ritchie!"
Ritchie: "Well, what use is that?"
Eddie: "You can use it to keep Malibu in. Just keep it away from me!" (Hiccups)

(Through a complicated set of circumstances I'm not going to write about, and which you'll only understand if you watch the episode, Ritchie is looking into a "play telescope" at a drawing of Sue Carpenter. Uh-huh.)
Ritchie: "Why's she got only one knocker?"
Eddie: "No, that's not a knocker. It's a speech bubble. She's talking to you, look!"
Ritchie: "Oh yeah! Fik off ... you sad ... pathic ... winker! Ooh! I wonder what she means?"

Eddie: "Oh no! Not sprouts! I hate sprouts!"
Ritchie: "Will you stop whinging, Eddie? Everyone hates sprouts!"
Eddie: "Then why are we having them?"
Ritchie: "Because it's Christmas!"

Eddie (looking at the turkey): "What you going to do with it?"
Ritchie: "Well, it's the season of goodwill and peace on Earth, so I thought I'd chop off both its feet, rips its innards out, strip it, shove an onion up its arse and stick it in a very hot place for four hours till it's completely burned!"

Ritchie: "Oh god! What's the procedure for someone who's chopped off their finger?"
Eddie: "I think .... they bleed to death in about half an hour!"

Ritchie: "Come ye! Come ye! God rest ye merry gentlemen, let nothing ye dismay. Remember ...." (Looks confused, unable to remember the rest)

Dave Hedgehog: "Is it Christmas? Today? Oh well, Merry Christmas then. Must be why that woman gave me that aftershave this morning."
Eddie: "What woman?"
Dave: "Oh you know, that woman who's always hanging around the house. What's her name? My wife. Andrea. No, Avril. No, what am I thinking of? Susan! That's the one!"

Spudgun: "See they changed the titles to Emmerdale Farm. Just called Emmerdale now. Doesn't take so long to read. Gives them a lot more time to do other things, pack more story in."

Ritchie: "I've got a baby."
Eddie: "We don't want a baby. Get rid of it. We're happy as we are. Why spoil everything? We'll drift apart. I mean, it's bound to come between us!"
Ritchie: "Well, I think it already has. Come on Eddie! It's time we faced up to our responsibilities! We can't go around being playboys forever! Besides,  it's a fact now. We have to deal with it."
Eddie: "Why couldn't you have been more careful? "
Spudgun: "Poor little mite. What a way to spend your first Christmas."
Eddie: "What? Lying on your back with a bottle in your mouth? Sounds pretty good to me!"

Spudgun: "Poor little blighter. No family, no friends, no Christmas presents."
Ritchie: "Well, he's got us now."
Spudgun: "Yeah. Look, he can have my present, a box of Terry's All-Gold. We'll have to wait till his little teeth come through before he can manage the chewy ones."
Eddie: "Yeah, he can have this Frankenstein mask I was gonna scare the shit out of Ritchie with later."
Dave: "And he can have my bottle of aftershave. It's a new one. It's called "Grr!"
Ritchie: "Gold, Frankenstein, and "Grrr!" (Looks up at the three of them kneeling before the cot, with their paper hats on) "And you're all wearing crowns!" (And notices the blue shawl he has been entertaining the baby with, now wrapped around his head like a scarf.) "And I'm a virgin! Guys, if I was you I'd stay on my knees! This is it: this is the Second Coming!"

Eddie: "I'm not gonna allow the arrival of the son of God spoil my Christmas!"

However, lest we forget the true meaning of Christmas...

(I used to have a great graphic for this, made from an advert for two boxers - no idea who - both of whom I had manipulated into figures of Jesus. It took ages and it looked cool, but I don't have it any more, and unlike many of my other graphics, which can be easily recreated, this one ain't coming back easy. So instead I must just drop in here the title I used for this, when it was originally posted.)

Trollheart presents, for one night only, The Battle of the Classic Christs!

As we all rush through our Christmas preparations, picking up the turkey and ham, checking off the gift list (better not leave out Uncle Seamus: not going through THAT embarrassment again this year!) and queuing in the cold and rain for hours and hours outside that one shop that promised - faithfully - it had just a small number of that toy that's sold out everywhere in stock, let's not forget what Christmas is really about: the birth of Santa Claus.

Seriously, once in a while it's nice to just take a step back from all the secular madness that surrounds, informs and often overwhelms the holiday season and just go all spiritual for a bit. Well, it IS a religious holiday at its heart, isn't it? What do you mean, you didn't know that?

Well, while nobody would ever accuse me of being the most religious person, I do like the story of Jesus and love to see movies about it. Christian fundamentalists would have us all believe that God created everything, and that may be true. If so, then he also created movies. But in another strange, kind of roundabout way, movies could be said to have created God, at least for the big or small screen. As far back as 1905 they were making silent movies about Our Lord, and of course with the advent of colour, 70mm film and things like Cinemascope and Technicolour, it was only natural that the sixties would see some of the biggest, baddest and most over-the-top movies about Jesus ever made.

That's what this section is all about then: deciding which is the better. I had originally intended this to be a three-way fight, but the third contestant, 1953's The Robe, turns out not to be about Jesus at all. He's in it, but only peripherally, and really it would be unfair to put such a movie up against the other two, so we're down to a proper head-to-head, a real slamdown and a fight for the title of the Classic Christ Movie.

In the blue corner, weighing in at 260 minutes and with a budget of approximately 21 million US Dollars, we have
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2Fthumb%2F7%2F73%2FGREATSTO.jpg%2F220px-GREATSTO.jpg&hash=e35ac6fa633af866c64f9678eb2cf0eee8841c92)
Originally a four-hour-plus epic, drastically cut back in later releases and eventually shortened to 2 hours 17 minutes, The Greatest Story Ever Told was based on a novel by Fulton Ouster, itself based on a radio play that ran in the US in 1947 episodically. George Stevens was the man who intended to bring it to the big screen, but it was a slow process. The screenplay took over two years to write alone, why I don't know. I mean, it wasn't like the whole story wasn't already there! What did they have to screenwrite? Anyway by 1961, four years before its release date, costs had already spiralled to a staggering 2.3 million US Dollars, which even back then was a boatload of money, considering not one scene had yet been shot! So concerned were they with the rising costs involved in making the movie - or more correctly, preparing to make it - that backers Twentieth Century Fox dropped the project, and Stevens had to be saved by United Artists, who eventually released the picture.

Like most of the movies about the life of Jesus, this sticks fairly closely to the "facts", as they were, which is to say, the version described in the Bible. It's almost a direct telling of the story from that revered tome, and doesn't deviate much if at all from the accepted version. Interestingly though, it was a general unknown who was offered the top role, indeed the very man who played Antonius Block, the knight in Ingmar Bergman's The Seventh Seal, Max von Sydow, and for my money he did a good job. Apparently Stevens wanted someone not already linked with any role or character, someone US audiences would not know. I must say though, Charlton Heston in the role of John the Baptist comes close to stealing the show, and that's not an easy thing to do when you're up against the Son of God!

The version I watched clocked in at just under three hours and twenty minutes, and even at that reduced time from the original it seemed long, slow and boring in many places. Definitely a case of being overstretched. I shudder to think what the full version was like! The film also suffers from a "me too!" syndrome, with film stars all wanting a bit part, some of which make no sense. The most famous and well-known of these is of course the sudden appearance out of nowhere by John Wayne, who drawls "Truly this man was the sonnuh God!" in his characteristic, laconic and almost bored manner, but Martin Landau fails to shine as Caiphas, Roddy McDowell as Matthew is almost anonymous and David McCallum is completely wasted in the role of Judas, a one-dimensional, flat and uninspiring character compared to the one played in the other movie. Others of note include Pat Boone, Shelley Winters, Angela Lansbury and Sidney Poitier, though what any of them are doing in the movie is anyone's guess. Even Star Trek's Sarek, the late Mark Lenard, gets a look in!

The music is of course stunning and evocative, as you would expect, and Alfred Newman's score was one of five Academy Awards the film was nominated for. Whether it won any of them I don't know. The sets are also very impressive, though I do wonder about Stevens' insistence on shooting the whole thing in America? Sounds a little like trying to prove God was born in Queens to me! Mind you, our other movie didn't head to the Holy Land either, but with a budget of twenty-one mill you would have thought they would have, literally, gone the extra mile. Or few thousand miles, I guess. Nonetheless, I have to admit that when they show the scene ostensibly taking place in the desert where Jesus faces forty days and nights of temptation and fasting, I would never have guessed it was Death Valley, and similarly, the sermon on the Mount actually takes place in Utah, so it's not like it's obvious, but still, you do feel a little bit cheated that they're not actually walking in the footsteps of Jesus Christ. Unless he ever visited California, which I find unlikely....

All quibbles aside though, and remembering that the movie never grossed even its freakishly huge budget, and so was seen as a flop and an expensive failure, I did enjoy The Greatest Story Ever Told, with certain reservations, which I will detail later on in this article when I compare the two movies and put them up against each other. But what about its classic opponent?

Well, in the red corner, ladies and gentlemen, at a trim 161 minutes and with a budget of a mere 8 million, will you please give it up for
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2Fthumb%2Fc%2Fc4%2FKingofKings.jpg%2F220px-KingofKings.jpg&hash=2e60b7558b9dbfbb3247286f9a55152d3b9a4893)

Not to be confused with the earlier movie of almost the same name from the twenties, which just added the definite article to its title, this was the other "blockbuster Bible movie" of the day, and the two are in many ways very similar, and in other ways poles apart. Interestingly, while George Stevens was flying to Rome to consult the Pope on the making of his movie, this one slipped in under the radar and got released four years before his made the big screen, which must have been annoying for the great filmmaker, as this would have been the first "real" movie about Christ since 1935's Golgotha, unless you count Ben Hur, which I don't, or indeed The Robe, which I also don't, as neither focus on the actual figure of Christ and he is basically incidental, although instrumental, to the storyline. But poor old Stevens: that's what you get for farting around with 352 oil paintings as your storyboard and retaking every scene a zillion times: someone else beats you to it!

Starring Jeffrey "I could have been Kirk" Hunter in the top role, it's something of a different take on the story, though again it sticks very closely to the writings of Scripture. King of Kings details the birth of Christ, the journey to Bethlehem and the exile to Egypt, whereas this is brushed over in The Greatest Story Ever Told, which is odd, considering the latter is the longer picture by about an hour and would have easily been able to accomodate such a surely integral and important part of the plot, as it were? But like its rival, King of Kings mainly concentrates on Jesus's life from age thirty or so, from the time he begins to preach, gathering his disciples to him and generally getting up the noses of the Romans. That's not surprising, as really, up to that point there's little in the Bible about Jesus the man, leading to speculation on what exactly he did for those twenty-odd years between childhood and manhood, but that's another story. Any film or series focussing on Jesus will always be firmly set in this short period of his life.

There are, as I said, things I like about TGSET that I don't like about KOK, and vice versa of course. One of the former is the way Jesus's miracles are handled. In this film, we see things like Jesus approaching a blind man who bumps into him as just a shadow on a wall. He stretches out his shadowy hand and the man drops his stick, obviously (I guess) cured. A madman is not portrayed as very mad (did you see the guy in Jesus of Nazareth? THAT was scary!) and in general the miracles are not quite glossed over but definitely not given the sense of drama and power that TGSET lavishes on them. Contrast the scene outside Lazarus's tomb in the other movie with the one here - oh no wait, don't. King of Kings doesn't feature that miracle. What? Jesus's biggest feat, his crowning glory, his piece de resistance, when he proves even Death can't hold sway over someone he calls forth, and they don't show it?

Yeah. The movie suffers from a massive dearth of miracles, and those that are shown are treated in an almost offhand, matter-of-fact way. No angels singing, no shafts of sunlight bathing the Saviour's face as he performs these wonders, no crowds gathering to watch in amazement and then spread the word that the Messiah has come. Very drab and humdrum. Maybe there was a reason, maybe director Nicholas Ray didn't want to focus too much on the miracles aspect of the story, but come on! The guy raised the dead! (Though in fairness, he did not crash the car). He healed the blind and the lame! He cast out demons! You have to show those, and make them an important part of the story.

But where King of Kings fails in respect of its opponent - Miracles: Greatest Story Ever Told 1, King of Kings 0 - it walks all over it (I know: I was going to say something else but figured it wouldn't be appropriate when dealing with these movies. Gotta have respect, even if you don't believe!) on another score, and that is the portrayal of Judas Iscariot. From an early age, we Irish were brought up on the notion that Judas was evil. He betrayed Jesus for thirty pieces of silver, but we were never told why. We never asked. It was just accepted, the same as any religious dogma in Ireland at the time was. Why had you to fast before receiving Holy Communion? Why could you not touch it if it got stuck to the roof of your mouth - as it always, without fail, did - and why were you supposed to (in my parents' day, not mine) genuflect if you met a priest in the street? Nobody asked these questions: they weren't even rhetorical, they just weren't accepted as questions. They just were, okay? Accept it and stop asking stupid questions. In the very same way, Judas was a betrayer, a coward and a traitor and you should hate him.

It wasn't till I watched Jesus Christ Superstar and Martin Scorsese's excellent The Last Temptation of Christ that I got the idea that Judas was not just an evil figure, he was a person; a person with ideals and hopes and dreams, and that he betrayed Jesus for a reason. This made more sense, and indeed this is the tack that King of Kings takes. Judas is a revolutionary when we meet him, fighting alongside Barabbas, his leader, and he believes he can turn Jesus to their cause, convince him to fight for Judea and call down hosts of angels, or at the worst, lead his hosts of followers against the Roman oppressor. When he sees this will not happen of its own accord, that Jesus is dedicated to peace, Judas tries to force his hand, hoping that if he is arrested he will spring into action and defend himself, and become an ally of he and Barabbas, leading the Jews to glorious liberation.

At last, someone gets it. I'm no connoisseur of movies about Jesus, but I think I'm safe in saying that King of Kings was the first of this genre to look sympathetically at Judas. Tim Rice would do so ten years later, and others would too: even in Jesus of Nazareth I seem to recall him being a more rounded, less cartoon-villain figure, but this was the first time I think anyone had voiced the possibility that maybe, just maybe, Judas had a reason, excuse or agenda in betraying his master. Played by Rip Torn, he's certainly a better character here than in George Stevens' somewhat pompous oversimplification of the man. In TGSET Barabbas is only mentioned at the end, when he gets his freedom at the expense of Christ's, and he has no other role at all to play in that movie. Here, he is a pivotal if not central figure, laughing at then briefly sharing Judas's hope that they might ally with the Messiah, finally using his speech at the temple to launch an abortive attack on his enemy. When he realises later that Jesus is dying in his place (not that he has a choice of course, but the people have chosen Barabbas) he asks "Why? I never did anything for him." He truly can't understand it, though Lucius, the Roman general, scowls "Your people shouted loudest", obviously at pains to make the rebel leader realise it is only simple good fortune that has secured his freedom, and his life.

Although much shorter than its later companion film, King of Kings gets pretty much the whole story in, which of course you would expect and demand, but also manages to presage it with the arrival of Pompey as he claims Jerusalem and sets up a garrison there, and adds in elements of the later Jewish struggle for independence and freedom, as well as alluding to the Roman governor, Pilate's wife being somewhat sympathetic to Jesus, or at least his message. Again though, the two movies differ vastly when it comes to the crucifixion scene, with TGSET losing out as it watches much of the action from far off, down the hill at Golgotha. I'm not saying I wanted closeups of the nails going into Jesus's hands or anything, but there's a more personal, intimate feeling to the scene in this film, with the action all taking place in front of you; you see Christ nailed to the cross (tastefully done) and raised up, you see people moving about below him as he hangs there, you see the two thieves talk to him (although in fairness you see this in the other movie too, but I think this one just about edges it in terms of drama) and best of all, there's no John Wayne!

Resurrection, I'd say there's very little between the two movies, though this one does just end with the shadow of Christ falling across the apostles, who then sort of wander aimlessly offscreen in the final scene; where it actually shows Christ appearing to Mary Magdalene outside the tomb in this movie,  in TGSET she just meets the angel inside the tomb once Jesus has risen, so again I think this one is slightly more personal. Not to mention that in the closing scene of this we see the smiling, radiant face of Jesus while in the other movie he's just a shadow and a voice. Interestingly, the very same end hymn is used, though it seems to be quite appropriate and was probably the only one that could have been used.

So, both movies represent the story of Christ's birth, life and death reasonably well, and certainly better than some have down the years. But each has its own flaws, and while in one category TGSET triumphs, in others it's KOK that lands the killer punch. So, which movie is better? How can we even choose between two such classics? We probably in reality can't, but for the purposes of this article we have to: to quote Highlander - there can be only one. So how do we do that? Well, let's list off the main points and compare like for like, and see how we do. For each scene, aspect or fact considered I'll award a score out of ten, explaining along the way how I arrived at that score. Then we'll total them up and see who comes out on top, or if this ends up being a dead heat. Even I don't know at this point. Oooh! Exciting, isn't it?

Allright then! One of the most important things for any movie is its budget versus its box office. In other words, how much did it cost to make and was that amount recouped, or, as would be highly expected, seriously exceeded on its release? Let's see.

(For handiness' and laziness' sake I'm referring to each movie by a single letter. See if you can guess which is which!)

G: Budget 21 million, Box office 15 million. (Naturally these are estimates, and if they're wrong blame Wiki...)

K: Budget 5 mill, Box office 13 million.
Now on the face of it it would seem that K made less than G, but on the other hand, taken as a percentage of its final costs, K came close to tripling its budget, so definitely made money, whereas G failed to even make its budget, coming in with a definite, and quite substantial loss, almost twenty-five percent in fact. So on pure figures for its return, and indeed on its initial budget too, K did better, costing less to make and earning more in the long run. Though both movies were considered commercial failures, one failed at a cheaper rate than the other. So King of Kings wins this easily.

Scores
G 3/10
K: 8/10 (It wasn't a blockbuster success, which is why I've given it a less than perfect score)

Next up, length of movie. Now, this can be a good or a bad thing. Long movies can pack more story in, or they can just get boring and feel long-drawn out. But when you're dealing with a Biblical movie I think you really work with the maxim "the longer the better", as long as there's enough there to keep your interest. Though G dragged in places, overall it was relatively well-paced and didn't seem too overlong. It's certainly longer than K. Here are the stats.

G: 240 mins (original) down to an eventual 137 mins for the US release, with the one I watched being a total of 200 minutes.

K: 168 minutes
There's no contest. Though K filled its brief well for its overall shorter length - longer than the eventual US release though - the original cut of G has over fifty minutes on it, so it's a clear winner for G.

G: 9/10 (Only awarded less than top score due to the different lengths, and the fact that it dragged a little in places)
K: 6/10

In terms of being "first to the post", ie the first major Biblical film to hit the screens since the thirties, and therefore essentially the first "real" movie about Jesus, George Stevens' faffing about and eternal procrastination, along with his perfectionist nature and a ballooning budget that saw his original backers walk away from the deal allowed his rival to get in a full four years before his film saw the light of day, so it's not even close.

G: Released 1965 - 4/10
K: Released 1961 - 9/10 (Again, not top score because it was not the first EVER movie about Jesus, but close)

And now we come to the main man, as it were. The face-off between the stars, the top men who played what was not a title role but really was, the two actors who brought Jesus to the big screen. In K, we had Jeffrey Hunter. I only know him as the original Captain Pike from the pilot episode of the original Star Trek, the man who turned down the recurring role to pursue a "proper" movie career. I hated him in Star Trek but I must say he did this role proud. With a warm, gentle smile and a humbleness seldom seen among actors he may not have been the ideal choice for Jesus, but he sure was better than Ian Gillan in Jesus Christ Superstar the stage production, a decade later (shudder!) and I think he did really well.

Max von Sydow was more or less unknown to US audiences and fans outside of Sweden, or those who followed the films of Bergman, so for him to take on such a major role must have been a hell of a challenge. Interesting that in the other movie I saw him in recently, The Seventh Seal, he was a knight doubting the existence of God, who says at one point to Death "Why can't I kill God within me?" and then a mere six years later he's playing the son of that very God. But he plays the role well, his slight Scandinavian accent adding to the, if you like, foreigness of Jesus and making him less the all-American blue-eyed boy that could be seen at times in Hunter's character. Probably not as charismatic as his rival, von Sydow exuded for me more a sense of friendliness, calm and love than did Hunter, but even so it's hard to choose between them.

I think in the end, von Sydow had more to prove, being an "unknown" to most cinema-goers at the time, so I'll shade it slightly on his side, and award him the higher score, though there's not that much in it really.

G: Jesus portrayal by M. von Sydow 9/10
K: Jesus portrayal by J. Hunter 8/10

Then we come to Judas. This isn't even close. As related in the synopses of the movies above, the far stronger character is the one in K, where Judas is seen as a rebel, a freedom fighter and has a good, if slightly skewed, reason for betraying Jesus. The part is also better played by Rip Torn, though we know what a great and accomplished actor David McCallum is; he just had a really weak role to work with, and through most of the movie looks unhappy, and so he should be. His Judas could have been so much more, but he's left playing a cardboard cut-out.

G: Judas role (This does not reflect on how the character was played, but how he was written, as it would be unfair to blame an actor for simply carrying out the role he was asked to play) 2/10
K: Judas role 9/10

Music score: Again, there's little to choose here. Both Miklos Rosza's Oscar-nominated music and that of Alfred Newman are stirring, grandiose pieces of music that make your heart swell and at times, in certain scenes, bring the odd tear to the eye. I can't choose between these so I'm going to call this a dead heat and award the very same to both.

G: Score by Alfred Newman 9/10
K: Score by Mkilos Rosza 9/10

Awards/Nominations: From what I've read, though both movies were commercial flops, G was nominated for awards but I can't find anything about K. Five awards in total, whether it won them or not I'm not sure, but even the nominations have to allow G to knock K flat on its back and perform a, at least temporary, victory dance on its body.

G: Awards (5, or at least nominations for 5) 8/10
K: Awards, none 0/10

Some other characters in brief, compared. Herod in K I found more evil, though cartoonishly evil, whereas in G he was more coldly evil and sort of like a snake, quietly evil as opposed to loudly evil, Hopkins' Hannibal Lecter as opposed to Dafoe's Green Goblin. It sort of depends on what you're looking for in a villain I guess, but for me I actually preferred Frank Thring's portrayal of the evil king of Judea as opposed to Jose Ferrer's version. It's hard to choose: one was evil on a megalomaniacal scale, which was quite satisfying if a little one-dimensional, and was clearly harbouring ungentlemanly and unfatherly affection for his stepdaughter, Salome (King of Kings) while she was only alluded to in TGSET and the link between her demanding the head of John the Baptist and Herod's decision to put him to death was made much muddier and not at all clear. Hmm. Because I like cartoon villains, and because he played the part so well, I'm going to go for Thring in King of Kings, but as I say, it's close, almost too close to call. I am calling it, though.

G: Herod Antipas portrayal (Jose Ferrer) 8/10
K: Herod Antipas portrayal (Frank Thring) 9/10

Yeah, I know I said in brief, and that was hardly brief, but you know me. Anyway, there's one or two other main characters I want to look at, but in brief (and I mean it this time) here are some lesser ones.

Mary, mother of God. The version in K bugged the hell out of me with her eternal beatific smile that became almost that of an idiot and just made me want to punch her in the face (sorry), while the one in G was much more restrained and to be fair, hardly in the movie at all. But for her less-than-angelic portrayal Dorothy McGuire takes it for me.

G: Mary, Mother of God portrayal (Dorothy McGuire) 7/10
K: Mary, Mother of God portrayal (Siobhan McKenna) 4/10

Mary Magdalene. Surprisingly (or perhaps not; her time on film had not yet come) in both movies she's almost anonymous. Yes we see the famous stoning scene in both, but after that, other than being seen washng Jesus's feet in one movie and being the one to go to the tomb after three days in both, we see little of her, so there's not an awful lot to choose from. I'll have to take it from her performance in the stoning scene, and in this case I'm giving it to Carmen Sevilla in K.

G: Mary Magdalene (Joanna Dunham) 5/10
K: Mary Magdalene (Carmen Sevilla) 7/10

Barabbas. Well like Judas, and as mentioned in the section on him, there's no contest. In G there is no role for Barabbas, apart from the traditional one at the end, when he is allowed go free for Passover in place of Jesus, while in K there's quite a little backstory built up around him, allowing him his own identity and role in the movie, and also giving a proper and understandable reason for Judas's eventual betrayal of Jesus. King of kings wins this by a country mile.

G: Role of Barabbas 1/10
K: Role of Barabbas 8/10

Pilate. Though he's central to the story of Jesus - he is, after all, infamously remembered as the man who sentenced the Saviour to death - there's very little real substance to the role played by him by Telly "Kojak" Savalas in G, and I for one couldn't stop expecting him to pat Herod's cheek and say "Good boy! You do what you're told, nobody will get hoirt, capische?" Sorry but that's just me, who only knew him from that role on TV. But even apart from that he puts in what I consider to be a poor performance, while the lesser-known (to me) Hurd Hatfield makes a much better fist of it, projecting the true persona of a man who is somewhere he does not want to be, is there because the local king couldn't keep order and also knows or suspects that he is being punished by being sent to this remote outpost, far from the empire and any chance of advancement. It doesn't help that his wife is sympathetic to the message of Jesus. Also it comes across in G that Savalas is only there because he's a big-name star, and not because he's best suited for the role. In fact I think he completely fluffs it. I think Hatfield plays Pilate best, so I award the high score to him.

G: Portrayal of Pontius Pilate (Telly Savalas) 4/10
K: Portrayal of Pontius Pilate (Hurd Hatfield) 8/10

And one more character whose portrayal makes the difference between the two films is John the Baptist. Central to the first half of the movie, he bestrides both like a colossus, but in G he's played by the walking ego, Charlton Heston, who tends to bring more of the macho, self-confident and arrogant posturing to the character than does Robert Ryan in K. His take on John is far more humble, a tough, principled and godly man who knows he is just marking time on this planet, waiting for the arrival of the one whose coming he heralds. Heston makes it more about Heston, Ryan makes it more about John, and has rightly been cited as the best John the Baptist you will see in film, so he easily gets the nod.

G: John the Baptist (Charlton Heston) 5/10
K: John the Baptist (Robert Ryan) 8/10

Actually, that's not it. There's one more character I forgot to include. Pleased to meet you, hope you guessed my name! Yeah, it's the Devil. The only real role Satan plays of course in the story is when Jesus is out in the desert and he's being tempted by the Evil One, but in G he's personified by a strange dark hermit Jesus meets, played by the wonderfully evil Donald Pleasance, while in K he's nothing more than a disembodied voice, the actor not even credited. So the best Devil has to be the one from G, hands (or talons) down. Better the Devil you know?

G: The Devil (Donald Pleasance as "the dark hermit") 9/10
K: The Devil (uncredited, voice only) 3/10

This just leaves us really with two last sticking points. Both have already been mentioned but here I'm going to go into them in some more detail. The first is the handling of the miracles Jesus performs. In K they're almost alluded to, with shadows on walls, notes in despatches and the like, while in G they're made much more of. The best is where Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead, which isn't even mentioned in K, but Stevens gives it the full Hollywood treatment and you really feel impressed, awed and even a little frightened at times. Similarly, his curing of the lame is carried out in a very personal way, one-to-one as it were, and the blind man who he makes see is arranged beautifully. Jesus, urged by the sceptical people of Nazareth, who find it hard to credit that the carpenter's son is in fact the son of God, to cure an old blind man and prove his divinity, refuses. But later he comes back and cures him in private.

It's a lovely cameo, showing how although he would not be tempted into performing for the crowd, Jesus was still not prepared to let the old blind man suffer for his own principles. In the corner, away from the crowds where nobody can see, he performs a miracle and the old man has his sight back.I feel the miracles are given better weight by Stevens and his way works much better. I guess Ray could have claimed he had not the time for his movie as his rival director had, but the miracles are still in his movie, just not handled so well. Therefore it's no contest, and G wins this round by a knockout.

G: Portrayal of miracles 10/10 (This first ever top score is awarded due mostly to the awe-inspiring scenes outside the tomb of Lazarus)
K: Portrayal of miracles 5/10

Finally, perhaps one of the most crucial scenes in the film, either of them, the crucifixion of Jesus. While nobody wanted to, or was expecting to see a Mel Gibson-style gorefest, the way K handled it was much more up close and personal, and gives you a real feeling of being involved. You can hear the nails being hammered in, watch the almost workmanlike industry as the Romans bustle here and there, this just another day, another execution for them. You see Jesus's cross being raised, and hear him talking to the two thieves on either side of him. In G, much of the actual crucifixion, the attaching to the cross and its raising, are viewed from far down the hill, so it's too impersonal and could really be anyone getting crucified. After a short time the camera does go back up the hill, but it's grimly unsatisfying and almost seems an afterthought on the part of the director. Badly handled I think, and so K gets the nod here, without question.

G: Crucifixion scene 4/10
K: Crucifixion scene 8/10

Before I total up the score and see who the winner is, there are a few more points I want to raise. Firstly, for such a long and epic film, the opening titles to G are pedestrian and very small, and don't evoke the kind of drama and majesty that those of its sister movie do, despite the stirring music. The ending too, seems a little rushed, odd considering how long the film is. These two disappointments earn G an automatic deduction of 20 from whatever score it ends up getting.

Secondly, K has a narrator, and it's Orson Welles. I'm not sure whether I prefer this sort of movie with or without a storyteller, as everyone should already be familiar with the plot anyway, but for securing the services of such a star and using him well I'll add an extra 10 points to its score.

K also gains an extra 5 points for being the first film in cinematic history to show the face of Jesus onscreen.

And so, the tally. After everything has been added up, here are how the initial scores stand:

The Greatest Story Ever Told: 97
King of Kings: 109

Now for the adjustments: G loses 20 for boring titles, opening and closing, as above, which brings its already losing score down to 77. With 10 points added for Orson Welles and another 5 for getting to the post first as above, K gets a total additional 15 points, bringing its final score to a whopping 124!

So, 124 plays 77. Bit of a knockout there for the King! Even without the adjustments K had it over G by a good 12 points. Now, with the adjustments taken into account, there's a gap of 47!

And so, with a final score of 124, ladies and gentlemen, I give you, the winner of the contest, the victor of the Battle of the Classic Christs, the first movie to show the face of Jesus on celluloid, give a big hand to
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2Fthumb%2Fc%2Fc4%2FKingofKings.jpg%2F220px-KingofKings.jpg&hash=2e60b7558b9dbfbb3247286f9a55152d3b9a4893)
The undisputed heavyweight champion of classic Jesus movies! (Well, of these two, anyway!)

Right, I'm all Christ-ed out, so to speak. Bring on
(https://i.postimg.cc/QtRVBBPj/cartoonxmas1.jpg)
(https://www.thefinancialfairytales.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/day-3.jpg)

Title: "A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas"
Series: Family Guy
Season: Three
First aired: December 21 2001
Written by: Danny Smith

Look, I'm going to be honest here: the Family Guy Christmas specials, with one or two notable exceptions (and perhaps a few I have not seen; I stopped watching it some time ago) are nothing to write home about. Family Guy seems to subsist on the idea of usually poking - not always gentle - fun at traditions, and Christmas is of course ripe for such treatment. Now, that's all well and good, and I have no issue with it - providing you do it well, or at least make it funny. Look at how American Dad (another show I have stopped watching) handled the idea of turning Christmas on its head, and yet managed to make it somehow not seem an insult to those who believe. Maybe. But over the years I have found Family Guy to be getting more and more offensive, seemingly just for the chance to knock races and religions, and less and less funny.

This, however, comes from the third season, before Seth lost it, and while it's not great it's at least worthy of inclusion in this feature, if for no other reason than we see Lois, the usually solid, workaday mother go totally apes[COLOR="Black"]hi[/COLOR]t and climb the Christmas tree, King Kong-like! But I get ahead of myself.


We open at the lighting ceremony of the Christmas tree in the Quahog town centre, where it becomes clear that the reason the senior citizens volunteered to decorate it was so they could arrange the fairy lights to spell out YOUNG PEOPLE SUCK! How they managed a) to climb up the massive tree in the first place and b) to arrange the lights without testing them I leave to you to puzzle out. Like much in this series, logic is not a welcome visitor and reason can go shove it. Lois is waxing lyrical about the Christmas season when, as usual, Peter arrives and wrecks everything. Literally, this time, as he ploughs into the manger and destroys it. Drunk as always, he dances around singing. Lois is not impressed. At home, she berates Peter for not yet getting a Christmas tree for the house, and he goes outside to chop down the one owned by his neighbour.

A visit to Joe and Bonnie's - a place Peter didn't want to go anyway, offering to ensure Lois doesn't have to lie if she excuses herself by saying her mother has died, by offering to kill her mother - is not much better. Joe is drunk on eggnog and not feeling the Christmas spirit. Quagmire and Cleveland arrive to go wassailing and off they go, leaving the women behind. To his horror and intense annoyance, Joe tells Peter he must be the designated driver, so no beer for him. Stewie is intrigued by the news that Santa is watching him, and every child, and comes to the conclusion that the only way this is possible is if Santa has hidden cameras in the ornaments on the tree. That night he has a dream of being captured by him and set to work as one of his elves. Waking, he fears he is now indeed under surveillance, and may be dealing with someone who could be his match.

Peter is aghast the next morning to realise that he has mistakenly dropped off ALL of the presents to the charity, when Lois told him only one was to go, and the rest were the actual presents for the family. He really has no excuse for this, as he was the only one not drunk last night, but then, he does labour constantly under the crippling handicap of being dumber than a bag of rocks. Luckily for him, Lois takes his stupidity as an act of kindness, however unintentional, and goes to buy more presents. At home, Brian goes to check the turkey, not noticing an ember that jumps from the fire and when he comes back in the place is on fire! Stewie meets Santa in the mall, and makes a deal with him that if he brings him some plutonium for Christmas he will be a good boy.

Returning home, Lois sees the mess but takes it surprisingly well, considering the house is all but burned down. Peter, however, seeing his beloved couch and television destroyed, is less sanguine. Clearly, though, this has all been coming to a head in the mother of the family, as, as she attempts to cheer everyone up and make out things are not as bad as they seem, she finally explodes when she is told there are no kitchen towels with which to clean up the mess. She goes on a rampage, and Peter and the family, believing the Christmas pageant, in which Stewie was to star, and to which she had been looking forward, might bring her to her senses, head there. At this point, I should add, she's scaled the Christmas tree, as I spoilered at the beginning. Yeah. They end up taking her down with a trank dart, and she drools her way through Christmas.

Notes: There's a pretty good parody of one of those annoying Christmas specials that air on US TV, this one starring KISS, of all people. Ridiculous, but it does illustrate rather well the kind of crap you poor Americans have to watch during the festive season, and how any star or has-been will agree to be in a Christmas show to boost their profile, ego, ratings or all three. Stewie's battle of wits with Santa is handled reasonably well, and Peter's boorishness is not lessened for the holiday season. I do question though why, when he's chasing the old woman through the mall in pursuit of the last pair of barettes, and they're on the escalator, she a few steps ahead of him (and older) he doesn't just run up and grab them? But instead he stands there as the staircase moves slowly on, as if he can't or hasn't thought of walking, or is too lazy. It's probably intentional, to show how thick he is, but it's a little unbelievable. Still, that's Family Guy for you.

It's a little hard on Lois. She's the one arranging everything, she's the one holding it together, then when she finally loses it she ends up being a drooling idiot in the corner, missing Christmas. But Seth has never been one to care much about female characters - look how Meg is consistently - yeah, you really can't call it anything else - consistently abused by, well, the whole family, but mostly by Peter. Chris as usual may as well not be there for all the impact he makes, and this pretty much applies to Meg too, though this is par for the course: apart from the odd Meg-centric episode, the female Griffin child is usually conspicuous by her absence, or just there to hang bad taste/abuse jokes on. Peter as usual is the centre of things, and does his usual moronic and ignorant job, while Stewie's encounter with Santa Claus (culminating in his actually getting plutonium for Christmas, a nice touch) is okay but doesn't really add much to the story.

The story itself is quite thin. Basically we watch the often sad breakdown of the mother of the family, while at the end she's ignored as the family laughs at the television and enjoys their Christmas. Quite how the house got repaired on Christmas Day is not established, but again, Seth has his own world where logic and reality don't really tend to make many house calls, and where things just happen because shut your yap that's why. As a Christmas episode it does at least break the traditions of Christmas specials by attempting, in a rather ham-fisted way and in a reasonable speech given by Stewie at the end as Jesus, to explain why people behave - or should behave - better at Christmas, but as usual Seth can't resist poking his finger in the eye of Christianity by mocking the Virgin Mary. I'm not a believer, but even I think this is in poor taste, especially at Christmas.

Oh, and why is it that when Peter slaps in his new tape of KISS save Santa it starts at the end? Any reason for that? All right! All right! I'm going! Just thought I'd ask; no need to set the wild reindeer on me. Sheesh!

Christmas is a time for giving, so let me give you a treat. We've seen, or at least read about, some pretty awful Christmas movies so far (and more to come) but believe it or not, there are worse. Oh yes, children! Far, far worse. We haven't even begun to explore the deep, dark depths of the worst of the worst, those movies so awful they must only be viewed under special, laboratory-controlled and supervised conditions, and to that end are kept somewhere very safe, inaccessible to the public, most of which are even ignorant as to its existence.

So if ye be of stout heart (or have consumed too much stout) and strong stomach (which you'll need to be if you have consumed too much of the aforesaid stout) I invite you to crowd nervously behind me as I gingerly light a taper and we descend the slippery, rusty iron steps down to the sewers as we go in search once again for a movie so bad it could only ever end up here. In other words, welcome to our Yuletide visit to
(https://i.postimg.cc/Hx0FMRvj/crapxmas1.jpg)
And what else would we look at in this festive season but a Christmas movie? But not just the one, oh no. Either you've been very good and Santa has answered your letters or the reverse, but either way you're getting a three-for here. Yup: three of the very worst Christmas movies ever made by hand of man. The kind of movies that make you either laugh uncontrollably at how bad they are, scratch your head and say "huh?" or just make you wish your religion didn't require you to celebrate this "holiday season".

Full and fair disclosure here: as I mentioned already, I don't tend to watch too many Christmas movies, much less those considered really bad, so I don't know anything much about the ones I'll be doing here. They'll all be a first-time experience for me. However, unlike the ones I've featured prior to these, I will actually be watching these, all the way through. On this terrifying journey into the weird and not so wonderful, I'm being guided by lists and by the likes of Rotten Tomatoes and IMDB, working on the assumption that if a large proportion of people hate movie X, then it must be terrible. Of course, almost everyone seems to hate Jingle All the Way and I liked it, but I guess there are always exceptions.

Reading about the movies though, you can usually make a relatively informed decision as to whether or not it deserves to be lambasted, and the first two certainly leave no room for doubt. The third, I don't know but we'll see, I reckon it's a fairly safe bet though.

Kicking off with this one, well known for being not only one of the worst, but certainly one of the trippiest, whacked-out movies of all time. I mean, spaced out gets a new meaning with this one. Originally released in Mexico and obviously in Spanish, it was re-released (god alone knows why) the following year, with what I am reliably informed is bad dubbing, and a few slight changes. But for all that, while I would like to watch the original my Spanish doesn't come up to the level of being able to ask for a tequila while also enquiring where the bathroom is, and even if it has subtitles, well, it's probably going to be more fun to see what a poor job the Americans did dubbing it.
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/1/1d/SantaMoviePoster.jpg)
Title: Santa Claus
Year: 1959/1960
Writer(s): Adolfo Torres Portillo and Rene Cardona
Director: Rene Cardona (original) Ken Smith (US version)
Genre: Science-fiction (yeah...)
Stars:  A whole lot of hombres you won't know. In this version, for some reason, none of the cast are named. At all. Other than the narrator. Who is also the director. Yeah. Ken Smith. Go figure.

Before we get going, a word on the title. I mean, I know it's supposed to be an awful film (which we will decide for ourselves over the course of the next 94 minutes, which may seem like 94 hours), but couldn't they have come up with a more original title? I mean, it's so bland! Santa Claus? Really? That's the best they could do? Couldn't they have called it something more Mexican? L'Hombre de Cristomas or something? Would that have been racist? Can you be racist about your own people? In any event, this is what it's called, and you only track it down on Google by inserting the year after it, otherwise you're there all day.

Right, so: a few things to get straight from the get-go. Santa, contrary to popular belief, does not live at the North Pole. Not according to these guys anyway. Santa doesn't even live on Earth, but in some kind of cloud in space (how does a cloud form in space? Your guess is as good as mine, and mine ain't so good) where he lives in a Disneylike castle. Oh wait: according to the narration, he does live at the North Pole - but the North Pole is in space. Or he's several hundred thousand miles above it, out in space. The main takeaway from this informational snippet is this: Santa lives in space.

Now, when we first see Jolly Old Saint Nick we only see his arms and chest, as he fixes up a Christmas crib, and I must admit, his deep, booming laugh sounds less jolly than maniacal - I expect when the camera pulls back to see he has a co-ed or two tied up, terror in their eyes, sweat on their ... no? Oh well. It's off-putting for sure. As is Santa's sitting down at a Phantom of the Opera-style pipe organ and, um, using it as a computer monitor? Seems Chris Cringle doesn't need elves in his workshop, far more progressive. Or possibly regressive, as it seems he has bunches of human children working for him. What sort of child labour laws apply in, um, Toyland, as it's called, anyway? Right, well, either those so-called helpers from Spain are seriously anaemic or they've all been drained by vampires. They're white! I mean, absolutely white! No colour at all. We don't even get to see the kids from England, only from a distance.

I must say, the architecture of Santa's slave palace I mean workshop looks very Arabic. Hmm. Yeah, it goes on like this for about ten minutes as Santa displays all the different nationalities of kids he has pressed into service for him. Jesus on a pogo-stick. We get the idea. Can we get on with it please, before it really is Christmas? :yikes:
(https://www.denofgeek.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/santa-claus-1959-movie.jpg?resize=768%2C432)
Finally the excruciatingly long - and somewhat racist - parade of the United Nations of Enslaved Children is over, and we're in Hell. What? You thought we were there already? Well, kind of. If you'd had to listen to Mexican toddlers singing "La Cucaracha" or English brats singing "London Bridge is Falling Down", you would probably have come to that conclusion. As did I. But now the scene changes and we really are in Hell, where Lucifer orders one of his demons, Pitch, to go to Earth and make all the children evil to get on Santa's wick.

Look, there's something disturbing about being shown the slightly upsetting scene of a small girl whose mother can't afford a doll for her for Christmas, and hearing fucking Santa ho-ho-ho-ing all over it. A little insensitive, don't you think, big guy? And why is he so jolly all the time, that's what I'd like to know? He only works one day a year and what he makes can't possibly cover his overheads. Santa has to be deep in debt, probably owes big to the Chinese Mafia, may even have some sort of addiction that has to be fed with cookies and milk every Christmas Eve, mistreats his reindeer, forcing them to fly and has an odd propensity for climbing down chimneys, an act otherwise seen by the law as breaking and entering I believe. I don't feel Santa has too much to laugh about, but there he goes, and he won't fucking stop. Maybe it's a nervous thing?

Pitch is soon in among the kids anyway, sowing mischief - I assume he's invisible, as otherwise that woman he's pushing up against would be saying something like "Hey! Keep those fucking horns to yourself, pal!" Though probably in Spanish. Anyway, thanks to Pitch a riot soon doesn't break out, though some kids throw stones at the window at his urging. Oh no! Kids throwing rocks! That would never normally happen! Santa sees what's going on and focuses on the little girl who wants the doll. He watches her (in Mexico, natch) as she first steals the doll and then puts it back, annoying the demon. Santa however is delighted.
(https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/rifftrax/images/8/86/Screen_Shot_2015-04-03_at_4.11.47_PM.png/revision/latest?cb=20150403221215)
Yeah. The girl - what's her name, Lupita? - well, her mother either has a baby under her shawl or massive and misshapen tits! Fucking weird! Also weird are the machines Santa has in his workshop: more like the deck of the TARDIS! Some crazy thing with big lips, something that resembles a dildo and moves out with an eye on it. And is that a rat moving slowly across the floor? And he has a machine for seeing into people's dreams. That might be awkward. "His dream will appear on the dreamscope. Oh, wait, now what's that? Oh dear! OH DEAR! Children! Avert your eyes! Quickly!" :laughing: Never underestimate the dreams of a ten-year-old!

Lupita gets attacked by creepy dolls in her dream - Jesus! Reminds me of Barbarella! Actually they're just women, don't even look like dolls, but then, the budget for this was probably 50 pesos and all the fajitas the crew could eat, so what do you expect? Lot of smoke here, probably meant to convey dreamspace, but it looks like the place is on fire. Oddly enough, the dialogue for the Japanese kid is not translated, so he keeps speaking Japanese; probably couldn't figure it out. Confusing though, as he has a fair few lines. Reminds me of Toshi in American Dad. Not a clue what he's saying. Santa just ignores him, obviously as much at a loss to understand him as we are.

Overall though I have to say, it's pretty slow and boring so far. If I wasn't reviewing this I'd be saying oh hell no and be moving on. Let's hope it picks up a little before too long.

Disturbing, too, that when Santa gets a letter asking for a brother, he seems to think he can arrange it. Are we to assume Santa has taken the details and is going to pay the kid's mother a visit? Is Santa a rapist now too? He goes out onto the factory floor to gen up the troops, forcing them to redouble their efforts to make toys - does the Bureau of Child Safety know about this? Does such an organisation exist? And what the blue living fuck is Merlin doing here? Merlin, court wizard to King Arthur at Camelot, working at the North Pole. In space. For Santa Claus. Right. So Merlin (referred to by Santa as Mister Merlin) is mixing some sort of sleeping draught in an urn which he clearly says is made of uranium and plutonium, therefore highly radioactive and quite deadly. Does he use gloves, a mask, a hazmat suit? Does he take any precautions at all? Does Health and Safety know about this?
(https://www.ruthlessreviews.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/santa-and-creepy-reindeer.jpg)
As Santa prepares to leave his sleigh is made ready - the reindeer are clearly models that show no animation whatever - and he is given a special key that will open any door, so forget about that hi-tech security system you have: if this guy wants to get in, he's getting in. More annoying singing from the kids - one of, I would have to say, the worst parts in a pretty poor movie so far - oh I see. The sleigh is a mechanical one, and so are the reindeer. Santa winds them up and off they go. Not bad, I have to admit. Rich kid goes to sleep with a toy rifle in his hands - obviously preparing for that scary night when a homeless black guy breaks in - and the three kids who were throwing rocks earlier have, at Pitch's urging, decided to kidnap Santa and rob all the presents. Shades, perhaps, of Nightmare Before Christmas, long before, you know, Nightmare Before Christmas.

One thing I will give this movie is its not overly sentimental attitude to religion, which is to say, whereas most Christmas movies tend to either overdue the religious motif or ignore it altogether, this one weaves it rather tastefully into the story, with Lupita's mother talking about the nativity and Santa hoping Jesus can join him on Earth. It's subtle, but kind of respectful; without ramming it down your throat, they gently remind you what Christmas is all about.

The kids who were going to rob Santa seem to be easily frightened out of their plan and instead fall to fighting with one another, while Pitch tries to steal Santa's sleigh, but the reindeer will only obey Santa so no luck there. He does however succeed in ripping the bag Santa carries with the powder to send kids to sleep and he drops the flower that allows Santa to disappear - look, it was all in the sequence with Merlin; I didn't talk about it because, frankly, this movie is giving me a headache. If you really want to know, subject yourself to the same slow torture and watch it. Just take it from me, it's bad.
(https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-b0V-jOBZAQA/Ur6-oRS2CzI/AAAAAAAADm4/g3m03D65mFE/s1600/Santa.jpg)
Setting a guard dog on Santa, Pitch forces him to climb a tree to safety and then wakes up the householder, who happen to be Rich Kid's parents. He whispers that there's an intruder in the garden, but has not counted on the fact that it would appear Rich Kid's dad is a coward, handing the gun to his wife and recommending she go out and confront the intruder! Pitch then has others make phone calls to the police and fire department, giving them nightmares and holding the phone so they can speak. Santa has a real problem now. If he can't get back to, um, his palace in space before sunrise his reindeer will turn to powder and he'll be trapped on the Earth. What? Because shut up, that's why.

So he calls for Merlin - apparently just yelling out will make you heard out in the vastness of space, and contrary to the blurb for Alien, in space someone can hear you scream - who tells him to use one of the toy wind-up cats he has in his sack to distract the dog. This allows him to get out of the tree, drop off the doll for Lupita and still get back before sunrise. Meanwhile, Pitch has the fire hose turned on him.

What, are you still here? No, that's it. Finito. Over. Terminado. Arrriba! Vamoose!

QUOTES

Santa: "Look at all those letters! Wonderful! They don't forget old Papa Noel! Saint Nicholas! Santa Claus!"
(Um, yeah. We know who you are, and even if we didn't, a) the damn film is called Santa Claus b) you're in a big red suit with a long white beard and c) you won't shut the fuck up laughing. Only two people laugh that much: you and lunatics. Why do you feel the need to confirm your identity to us, as if somehow we don't get it?)

Santa (kneeling down beside rich kid who is asleep): "I know all those toys don't make you happy. But I'll do something for you that I only do for very good children."
(Uh, yeah...)

Yeah, not much in the way of quotes I'm afraid.

Notes

For most of this movie I just felt bored, frustrated and not a little depressed. Much of that, to be fair, is down to the "listen with mother" style of the narrator, who seems to think he's describing the movie to a bunch of children. I guess he might be; but as an alleged adult I can see what's going on, so I don't need his annoyingly American voice telling me "Oh no this is happening!" or "Oh no! What will Santa do now?" It's just aggravating.

The story itself is very very poor. The idea of kids taking Santa hostage never comes to anything, is basically forgotten until someone must have said you know that idea to kidnap Santa? What happened there? And then they had to crowbar in a frankly unsatisfactory scene where the kids, who had laid their trap, are frightened off by light and noise, like a bunch of raccoons scared away from the dustbins. Other than that, the central premise of the film, to have kids turn bad, just doesn't happen. Lupita is steadfastly good, Pitch unable to sway her, and only three little brats succumb to the demon. Hardly a revolution now is it? The rest of the movie basically follows Santa as he delivers his presents and Pitch as he tries, with increasing ineptness, to thwart him.

The acting is minimal: Santa (José Elías Moreno, a well-known Mexican character actor) completely hams it up, and while Pitch, played by José Luis Aguirre, you would expect to overact, does, it's almost more as the capering jester than the supposedly evil demon he tries to be. It's almost a cartoon, though nowhere near as funny. It is, to be blunt, a real struggle to get through, and I was constantly watching the running time, counting down to the end, willing it closer. It's a confused jumble of ideas, some good, some terrible, and nothing really ever meshes with anything else.

I suppose that's a little unfair. The Rich Kid's parents, having drank from Santa's cock... tail of love, go back from their night out (on Christmas fucking Eve??) to their son and they all embrace, and Lupita is rewarded for not stealing, and gets her doll. But if you were to try to write out the basic plot in one sentence, it would not be easy, as there kind of isn't one. The kids all stumble around, desperately trying to, I guess, remember lines, and that's fair enough: these are young kids. I mean, Lupita can't be more than six or seven, Pedro, who helps in the workshop, little older, and even the Rich Kid might be ten years old but that would be it. I feel if this had been shot in America those kids would not have been allowed take part due to their ages.

One thing I will say: there's a heavy dose of morality in it - mostly the idea of "be good because Santa wants you to be good" rather than "be good to avoid punishment" - and most of it grates because it's laid on so very thick and without so much as the tip of the tongue in the cheek, but the scenes with Lupita's mother, struggling because she is poor and her husband can't find work (well, this is Mexico after all) are actually very touching and seem almost to belong in another film. Even the music here - generally badly-rendered versions of Christmas carols everywhere else - is different, a kind of fifties Hollywood drama score, wringing every last drop of emotion and sympathy out of the viewer. You can't say much about Lupita's performance (yes that's her real name too: Lupita Quezadas) as she's just a little kid and looks like she's mouthing words without any real idea of what she's saying, but as a figure she works well, as a moral compass for the movie, and as a symbol for sympathy.

But overall this is a movie you can definitely avoid seeing and never worry you were missing out. It's not even in the category of being so good it transcends scorn and becomes something to celebrate. It's just bad. Really, really bad.

But if there's one thing I can pick out that's worst about it, it's not the irritatingly preachy Santa, not the stupid, almost gay Pitch, nor the various annoying children. It's the only real change made north of the border, and it's the incredibly badly acted narration of Ken Smith. Shame on you, sir! You succeeded in achieving almost the impossible, and made this already terrible film even worse.

Was there anything good about this movie?

Well, surprisingly, yes there was. Shining like a diamond set in shit, the gentle humility and grace of Lupita's mother, who's not even mentioned in the credits even as a character, takes the film, for the times she's on screen, to a whole new level.Not that it was on any level to begin with. I think someone must not have explained to her her role, or that she thought she was acting in a different film altogether, but she plays her part with heart-wrenching pathos and is, as it were, the adult in the room. If more of the movie had revolved around her, this might actually have been good.

But that's it. Everything else about it is Grade A shite.

Humbug! Humbug, I say!

(https://i.postimg.cc/QVZBzBkf/scroogeth.png)
Okay, time to check out three more versions of this classic tale and see how they measure up. First we have this one, and no, it's not quite chronological, but to be honest I had originally intended not to feature this one, then thought better of it. So this comes just before the 1951 version. And no, my 1938 DVD has not yet arrived...

Year: 1949
Medium: Black-and-white
Starring: Taylor Holmes, and narrated by Vincent Price
Directed by:
Length: 26 mins

Brief comments: Although it's wonderful to see Price reading the story and bringing his usual flair and warmth to the movie, the acting is at best adequate and the way I see this is almost like the original 1910 version but with sound and slightly - slightly - better effects. It seems very rushed, as the ghosts sequences are truncated and the whole idea seems to be to get the thing done as quickly as possible, which does not translate well to the screen.

CHARACTERS
Scrooge: Not the greatest, but then Holmes is rather rushed through his role. I'll be generous and say a 4.
Marley: Awful. Nothing more than a man standing in front of Scrooge, not even an attempt at making him seem transparent. When he leaves, he simply walks out the door. The version ten years previous did him far better. 2
Cratchit: Again, just adequate. Nothing stands out about him. 4
Tiny Tim: Same really. Back to annoying again, and the constant androgynising of Tiny Tim through these movies - at least the early ones - he always seems like he could be a girl (Tiny Tina?) - is annoying. 3
Others: n/a
The Ghosts: Awful to a man. Or, you know, a spirit. I won't even bother separating them, and will give them a low score of 10 to share among them.

Faithful to the novel: Yes, but very rushed and abridged, so only gets a 4 again.
Emotion level: Zero
Puke level: Zero
Horror level: Zero
Soundtrack: Meh, pretty standard. 5.

So that makes a total of 32. Lowest yet, even lower than the silent version, which comes across as far superior. I do however have to take into account the titanic figure of Price, without whom this would never have flown, and so he adds an extra 10 to the poor, poor score, leaving it at a pretty low but somewhat more respectable 42.

Year: 1954
Medium: Black-and-white (Originally colour apparently, but only a b/w version has survived)
Starring: Frederic Marsh, Basil Rathbone
Directed by:
Length: 60 mins

Brief comments: For a so-called musical, the movie seems to consist of a drama with its own score, with intermittent interruptions from a vocal choir. Weird. Made-for-TV special, not particularly impressed with it I must say. Messes with the ending: no massive turkey for Cratchit, Scrooge has dinner with them instead of his nephew, and generally it ends on a song, pretty annoying.

CHARACTERS
Scrooge: Terrible. Flat, uninteresting/ed, not in the least scared when Marley appears. Very very poor. Does improve a little as the movie goes on. Still, I'd give him the lowest rating yet: 2
Marley: You'd think with an accomplished actor like Rathbone playing him he'd give a good performance. You'd be wrong. He's stiff, flat, boring. He walks like a zombie or a robot. Poor. Another 2.
Cratchit: Least annoying yet. Kind of reminds me of a cross between Jack Lemmon, Bob Hope and Kelsey Grammer. Doesn't make me want to puke. 8
Tiny Tim: Meh, he was doing reasonably ok until he started singing in an annoying soprano. Losing points for that! 5
Others: n/a
The Ghosts: The Ghost of Christmas Past: Good twist, this time it's a pretty girl, whom I think is meant to resemble Scrooge's lost love. 5
                     The Ghost of Christmas Present: More like a bellboy than a ghost, and he sings! Like, constantly! He won't shut up! If I have to hear this fucker sing "A Merry Merry Christmas!" one more time I'll bloody bury him with a sprig of holly through his heart! Plus he looks like Fred, Scrooge's nephew. Yeah, same actor. Scrooge even remarks upon it, though the ghost pretends he doesn't know what he's talking about. Still, have to give him points for being the first original Ghost of Christmas Present, even if his singing does get on my wick! Okay, okay! A 7, 8 if you'll shut up singing. No? 7 it is then.
                      The Ghost of Christmas To Come: Not shown. Scrooge wanders alone into the graveyard and in something of a "two-for-one" sees his own grave and then Tiny Tim's. A bit cheap, though the use of the crow on the headstone is good. Is that meant to be the ghost? Cheap get-out but again marks for originality. All I can award here really though is a 4, as there is no actual ghost shown. Although it may be the crow. But it may not be.

Faithful to the novel: Not really. In its way yes, but very rushed and truncated. 5. I'm revising that, due to the liberties taken with what is always the ending, so down to 3.
Emotion level: Not terribly. Maybe a 3
Puke level: Again, no. Zero.
Horror level: Little, but the crow adds something and Scrooge being alone in the graveyard gets this a grudging 2.
Soundtrack: It's a musical, so it has songs, but they're mostly in soprano which is annoying and none of them speak to me. Still, have to award it points for originality. Say 6.

Total then is 47. However because of the serious screwup on the ending I'm deducting 10 points. A Christmas Carol is a story that, no matter what you do, the ending is set in stone and should never be changed as they did here. So because of that, this effort can only muster a paltry 37. Boo! :(

Year: 1962
Medium: Colour (Animated)
Starring: Mister Magoo!
Directed by:
Length: 62 mins

Brief comments: I thought about not including this, but if I did that then I would have to question looking at other animated versions, and there are some really good ones, so in the end I decided to go with it. I initially thought I was not going to like it, as t here's an annoying little supposed-to-be-funny prologue where Magoo has to get onstage (the whole movie is acted out on stage) and accidentally goes to a restaurant. But once it settles down it's actually very well handled and the songs are really quite good. Its hard to take Mister Magoo as Scrooge seriously, but it's not the disaster I had worried it would be.

CHARACTERS
Scrooge: Decent, but it's a little hard to take anyone seriously (even a cartoon character) who has his eyes screwed up all the time. Plus, who doesn't love Magoo? Have to rate him at a mid-range 5 really.
Marley: Again, ok, but a little overacting. Decent ghost, and they remembered the chains. 5 also.
Cratchit: Least annoying Cratchit yet, even less so than the previous but still a little too willing to accept their situation with good grace, damn him. Have to say a quite decent 8
Tiny Tim: The first one not to annoy me. He's cute and bearable. A high 9 for him
Others: n/a
The Ghosts: Ghost of Christmas Past: Very good, quite cute and even sexy (!) in a way (yes, there's something wrong with me, I know!). Smiles a lot but has a sort of sadness in his/her smile (not sure if it's meant to be male or female). Of all the Ghosts of Christmas Past so far, definitely the best, considering it's a cartoon. I love the way the burning candleflame above his/her head dims when their time is running out. A serious 8 here.
                     Ghost of Christmas Present: Pretty much the same as all others, but with a severe aspect I haven't seen in the others. Give him a 6
                      Ghost of Christmas to Come: Although again a hooded figure, there's something creepier about him than the others, so he gets a 6 too.
Ghosts Total: 20

Faithful to the novel: Very much so. Even Fezziwig is included, although Scrooge's love is called Belle, not Alice? Even so, a very high 8
Emotion level: Zero.
Puke level: Zero.
Horror level: Zero.
Soundtrack: Very decent, some nice songs, first one to have songs written for it rather than just use hymns and carols. Got to give this an 8

So the total then is 60. But then it has to get extra points, both for being the first animated version and for being the first version in colour, so let's say 5 each for those, bringing us to a Grand Total of 70, highest score yet, surprisingly in some ways!

Which means that despite his short-sightedness, ol' Magoo races to the top and easily into the next round.

Oh Magoo! You've done it again!
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fassets.paleycenter.org%2Fassets%2Fblogs%2Frpaller%2Fmr-magoo-scrooge.jpg&hash=cf2856a2fff2a1a6e086ee7d637a95de2c7b95f3)

Winner of Round 2: Mister Magoo from sixty-two!

(https://i.postimg.cc/HLNwT9wx/xmastv1.jpg)

(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/d/d1/Frasier_title_logo.svg/440px-Frasier_title_logo.svg.png)

Frasier: "Perspectives on Christmas"
Like the title says, this episode allows us to view one event, or one series of events, from four different perspectives, each of which makes an seemingly innocent act look suspicious, or vice versa; the true meaning of not having all the facts before you come to your decision. We open in a massage parlour, where Martin is relaxing and relates to the masseur how things went, from his view:

Martin's Perspective: As they decorate Frasier's apartment for Christmas, Daphne opines that it's odd that, when she was walking Eddie just now, he turned as if to go into the local church. Frasier remarks that the dog did the same with him yesterday, when he was walking him, but Martin brushes it off. He also exits quickly, which sparks the suspicions and then fears of  his family. Martin, however, explains to Frasier in the kitchen that the reason Eddie has been going into the church is that both he and the dog have been asked to play a part in the Christmas pageant. He is embarrassed though, as one of the songs he has to sing, "O Holy Night" has a note in it he can't hit, so Frasier and Niles agree to help him practice.

Daphne's Perspective: All innocent and explainable, right? But then look at it from the viewpoint of one who has only caught some of the conversation and come to her own conclusions as to what is going on. Daphne sees only Frasier comforting his father, who appears to be coughing badly (this is after he has mistakenly laced Martin's eggnog with paprika rather than nutmeg) and as Frasier leaves he assures his father that Niles and he will be there for him (this is for the practice, but she doesn't know that.) She then asks him if he contacted his doctor for the results of his physical and he says he did, is noncommittal about it. When she then hears him on the phone talking to the priest she again gets her wires crossed and thinks he's talking about dying, when he's worrying about playing his part in the drama. Add in Eddie's diversions to the church and she soon puts two and two together and gets nine: Martin is sick, perhaps dying. Martin thinks it's hilarious when he finds out what she was thinking.

Just as they figure it out and are having a right ding-dong, Niles staggers into the apartment, looking wet and much the worse for wear, and collapses, unnoticed, behind the sofa.

Niles's Perspective: He relates how he got into the lift and had to share it with three people - and a huge Christmas tree. Worried about his Italian suit, he stayed as far as he could from the tree, but then the lift jams. Trapped together, the four of them have to figure a way out. With the maintenance crew at least an hour away, Niles has to climb up the Christmas tree to the lift shaft in order to trigger the remote door release. Unfortunately, once he does everyone legs it and nobody waits for him, whereupon the doors shut again and the lift begins to ascend! Dirty with grease, stuck with pine needles, his expensive suit destroyed, Niles crawls out of the lift and into Frasier's apartment, where he collapses. Unnoticed.

Roz's Perspective: Roz meets Frasier and gets a call from her mother, who is coming to visit. Unbeknownst to him, he tells her about her daughter's pregnancy, news which Roz was waiting till the right moment to break! As the Crane house descends into bickering and arguing and sniping, Frasier decides the best thing to do is get some masseurs and masseuses over to help them all unwind, and so we come to the end, and also the beginning, of our story.

QUOTES

Martin: "That dog does weird things. Yesterday, when we were taking our bath together, he spent fifteen straight minutes pushing the soap around with his nose like an otter! Weird!"

Martin (on phone about his role in the play): "Well I'm terrified about this, Father. It all came around so suddenly. I'm not prepared. Now, tell me what I'm supposed to say when I see Jesus for the first time?"

Daphne: "You were going to let all this happen without letting a soul know?"
Martin: "Well yes. I didn't want everyone staring at me in that church, stiff as a board, all that makeup on my face..."

Niles: "How am I supposed to get up there?" (The lift shaft)
Woman: "You can climb this tree."
Niles: "Oh surely not!"
Woman: "Oh come on now. I'm sure you climbed plenty of trees when you were a boy."
Other woman: "That's Doctor Crane's brother."
All: "Ohhh..."

Woman: "Why is that man crawling?"
Man: "That's Doctor Crane's brother."
Woman: "Oh."

Frasier: "My gift does not come from some fancy store, or wrapped in glittery paper. My gift comes from my heart. Tonight I intend to sit each once of you down and tell you in my own words exactly how much you mean to me. (Following protests and claims that this is the cheapest present ever he quickly backtracks)  Or, or, I could get us someone up here to give us all massages!"

Sorry, I will not be featuring Jingle All the Way here. I happen to think it's a great movie, even if everyone else thinks it sucks. What I will concede, though, is that it was not ever the kind of movie that demanded, needed or merited a sequel.

That, of course, did not stop this being made, and so it ends up as one of the next batch of
(https://i.postimg.cc/ZKfcjqwX/25worstfilms1.png)
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/b/bf/Jingle_All_the_Way_2_poster.jpg)
 
Jingle All the Way 2 (2014)

Most people will agree that Jingle All the Way is a terrible movie, and an awful Christmas movie. I don't. In fact, I very much to my surprise enjoyed it. I'm not saying it's the best Christmas movie I've ever seen - very far from it - but I was pleasantly impressed at Arnie's comedic turn as a father desperate to track down the only remaining Turboman doll for his kid. But even I, with my minority view of the original, can't stand over a sequel that, from what I can see, doesn't even have the decency to try to write a new story, but simply transplants Larry the Cable Guy into Arnie's shoes, changes the name of the toy and runs the same basic film. Not even a subtitle? The original title doesn't lend itself well to a sequel, but at least they could have tried, I don't know, Jingle All the Way Again, Jingle A Somewhat Further Portion of the Way If Not All, or hell, I don't know, Re-Jingle All the Way? But no: stick a 2 in front and we're good.

Well no, we're not. I'm not familiar with LTCG but I couldn't personally see anyone other than the Governator playing this role, and no matter how good (or bad) Larry is in this, he's always going to be compared (by those who care) to Arnie's original, and I believe will always come up short. I mean, let's be honest: was this a movie anyone needed?

Rotten Tomatoes ratings

Tomatometer: n/a
Audience Score: 30%

IMDB rating

3.8/10

Metacritic rating

n/a

Critics said: well, nothing, and probably just as well. Audiences were scathing.

This is still a bad movie, no question about it. But this one will disappear from the public eye, if it even came close to being on it, by the end of this year. There are far more superior holiday movies than this, so you can clearly do better.

The acting is all pretty terrible, and Larry's comedy stylings are extremely lame. Also, there's really no sense of fun to any of the crazy antics or charades that the two fathers go through. Incredibly bland, Jingle All the Way 2 has nothing really going for it.

And perhaps most damningly and honestly of all

It should've been better. I mean... yes. A lot better.

No. It should have been drowned at birth.

(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/1/1d/Grumpy_Cat%27s_Worst_Christmas_Ever_cover.jpg)
 
Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever (2014)

We all know Grumpy Cat, don't we? If not from memes and parodies then from YouTube, Facebook and Twitter. This cat has millions of likes and followers! I mean, I like cats but come on. Anyway, some bright spark apparently had the idea to extend Grumpy Cat's fame into the world of movies, leap from YouTube to the real tube, as it were, with a made-for-TV Christmas movie. Oh, you can just hear the groans, can't you?

Everyone loves a cat, eh? Except nobody did.

Rotten Tomatoes ratings

Tomatometer: 27%
Audience Score: 39%

IMDB rating

5.0/10

Hank Stuever in the Washington Post quipped Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever could use a whole lot more of Plaza's ad-libbed derision for the entire project and the suckers who find themselves watching it. The claws do come out, but the scratches just aren't deep enough

Gil Pennington of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch believed There's a plot, which any of us could have written in our sleep.

Brian Moylan was not amused in The Guardian: If the people behind Sharknado could make a movie about Santa, it would look something like this.
 
While Libby Hill of AV Club offered this: The best way to describe the film as a whole would be if Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventure, Home Alone, Garfield, icanhascheezburger, product placement, commercial breaks, outdated cultural references, suburban community theater, and acid had a baby.

And Josh Bell in the Las Vegas Weekly called it A cross between a crass piece of holiday marketing and the kind of thing that might air on Adult Swim in the middle of the night.

Audiences were not any kinder:

Half-assed and a quarter. Aubrey Plaza really phoned this one in with her higher whiney vocal range instead of her lower "give no ****s" vocal range. She could have even Janet Snakeholed it up a bit in the dramatic fantasy segments, but nope. Megan Charpentier is pretty natural for a kid actress, and Russell Peters as the inciting incident Santa is the highlight of this weird, embarrassing effort. The metatheatrical jokes are awkward and annoying

Commercial diarrhea. Avoid.

And I would leave it at that, except going back to AV Club, they had the best comment on it, and I can't close this out without quoting it. Here it is.

the largest turd in [Lifetime's] crap crown of original programming...so unforgiving, so psychologically trying, that the process alone leaves the viewer straining to hear the dialogue over the sound of the soul being crushed wholesale, bone and sinew wrenched apart at the joint

Libby Hill again. You go, girl! :laughing:

(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/4/47/The_Nutcracker_in_3D_poster.jpg)

The Nutcracker in 3D (2010)

A question I've never asked myself is this: is it possible for a movie to score nothing on Rotten Tomatoes? Surely not: I mean, even terrible movies such as the last two got about an average rating of 20-25%, so it would have to be the very worst movie, not even Christmas movie, but movie of all time to score zero percent, right?

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, the British-Hungarian collaboration The Nutcracker in 3D, also known as The Nutcracker: The Untold Story. From what I read, it's a story that should have remained untold. Mixing in Nazi rats, dodgy fairies and a universal panning that LOST the production over SEVENTY MILLION DOLLARS! That's right: it cost 90 million to make and they only took in 20. Hoo boy! Some nuts were surely cracked over that idea! Oh, and no ballet. You heard me right.

What's odd about what Wiki says, when you dig into it, is that yes, it has a 0% scores from critics, but despite a single audience review it has somehow got a 67% score from audiences! No idea how that works. Also, the Wiki page gives this consensus from the site, but when I look at it it says "no consensus yet". Still, it's amusing to read; maybe it was taken down later. Here it is anyway:

"Misguided, misconceived, and misbegotten on every level, The Nutcracker in 3D is a stunning exercise in astonishing cinematic wrong-headedness."

Rotten Tomatoes ratings

Tomatometer: n/a
Audience Score: 67% (huh?)

IMDB rating

4.2/10

Metacritic rating

18%


Metacritic raise a grin too when they rated it at 18 out of a 100, and even respected film critic Roger Ebert blasted it:  "From what dark night of the soul emerged the wretched idea for The Nutcracker in 3D? One of those rare holiday movies that may send children screaming under their seats."

The movie was nominated for, but did not win, the Golden Raspberry for "Most Eye Gouging Misuse of 3D" but did win Metacritic's own award for "Worst Limited Release Movie of 2010", so at least it won something. I'm sure the backers forgave and forgot. Mostly forgot.

Hey, Tim Rice was involved in this? I bet he kept that one quiet!
The director (whom I will not embarrass by naming) apparently made a conscious decision not to use any scenes from the ballet as, according to him, "ballet cannot work in cinema very well." Must have been really pissed off then to see Black Swan, released less than two weeks later, doing just that.

(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/2/2d/Twice_Upon_a_Christmas_DVD_cover.jpg)
Twice upon a Christmas (2001)

Now this is more like it! Santa's evil daughter plots to destroy Christmas and sell the North Pole! Yay! You go girl!

Santa's first born daughter, Rudolfa, is secretly selling pieces of the North Pole, and eventually take over where she attempts to ruin Christmas, and replace Santa's workshop with a brand new casino. But Santa's lost daughter Kristin returns to the North Pole with her two children who are desperate to save Christmas, and rebuild the shattered village.

Now wait just one snowflake-covered, yuletide log-burning minute! Santa's daughter? Santa doesn't have sex! The very idea! Surely he and Mrs Claus are far too busy all year round overseeing their army of toy-making elves to have time for any of that! And the contention that he could have an EVIL child? Well, it just beggars belief, doesn't it? Ah... unless ... could it be that Santa's playing away from home? Being Naughty rather than Nice? Might he find himself left off his own Christmas list this year? Does anyone care?

Nobody of note stars, though I laugh heartily to see an actor whose parents actually decided to call him James, even though his surname is .. Kirk! Ah, hilarity! Star Trek fans or just a really bad piece of decision-making, we'll never know. The poor guy must really have had a great time in school. Also happy to see it's directed by a guy called Tibor. Hey Tibor, where is the key to the men's room anyway? Always blame it on the guy who doesn't speak English...

(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/9/9a/The_Night_They_Saved_Christmas.jpg)
The night they saved Christmas (1984)

But not their careers, right? Oh it had to happen, didn't it? Santa takes on Big Oil: who will win? Well in reality the old guy would either end up drowned in paperwork and lawsuits or else literally drowned, found floating facedown somewhere off the North Pole. But this is Christmas, after all, and so of course Santa and his helpers will win. IMDB, it's over to you...

An oil company is exploring two Arctic sites for oil. The needed blasting at the first site rocks Santa Claus' North Pole village. He realizes that any blasting at the second site will destroy his home. He enlists the aid of a woman and her children to convince her husband (who works for the company) that the first site is where the oil they want is. Along the way, Santa explains all his secrets in delivering presents all around the world.

I'm sure this went down great with the children of executives from Exxon and Mobil! No doubt along the way the heartless oilmen learn the true meaning of Christmas (seriously: does NOBODY know the true meaning of Christmas any more? Everyone's having to learn it in these movies. You'd think they'd understand by now!) and probably licence the oil site to Claus Industries LLC for a seven-figure sum. Ho ho ho. I don't think.

Amazing thing is that one of my alltime TV crushes, Charlie's Angel Jaclyn Smith, agreed to star in this! Must have needed the money. AND the story and screenplay were written by David Niven Jr. Surely not THE David Niven's son? You know what? I'm too depressed to look into this further. Let's just leave it at that, huh?

(https://m.media-amazon.com/images/M/MV5BOWY1NGZhNWYtMmMxOC00ZjYxLWEzOTUtZjBjYTJiMzNlODhmXkEyXkFqcGc@._V1_FMjpg_UX1000_.jpg)

The Christmas Gift (1986)

Don't get me wrong: I enjoyed Oh God and even its sequel, so I know he can act (sort of) but any Christmas movie starring Country crooner John Denver has got to throw up the warning signs from the start. Remember those Humbleton figurines in The Simpsons, and how Flanders eventually found the town they came from, and everyone was just like them? Welcome to the Christmas version, or, given that this was written about two decades before that episode, to the genesis of Humbleton!

A widowed New York City architect and his young daughter take a Christmas vacation and end up in a small mystical town in Colorado where everyone believes in Santa Claus.

Of course they do. And that's why they live in a small, mystical, magical town which no doubt only appears on Christmas Eve and after the Christmas period returns to the sickly-sweet saccharine dimension from whence it sprang. You know what to expect, and I'm sure ol' John gets in more than one of his favour-ite choons too before the thing mercifully draws to a close, no doubt with some big moral and message for the holidays about how Christmas is with us in our hearts every day, or some such nonsense. Stick to the singing, cowboy!

Other than Denver there's Jane Kaczmarek, from Malcolm in the Middle, someone called James T Callahan - presumably the "t" is in case we mistook him for the former Labour Prime Minister! - and someone entertainingly named Twirp. Says it all really.

Note: I've stopped bothering looking for videos of these movies. Most of the time they're not available, and anyway, they're so bad you won't want to watch them. Believe me, from what I read, you ain't missin' nothin'.

(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F4.bp.blogspot.com%2F-butnDe_Q164%2FTWK2QnqpZEI%2FAAAAAAAAAoI%2FenqSLZvAJys%2Fs400%2FMsScrooge.jpg&hash=813b7303caf6c084f24d3274bc3e089e4e1ca576)
Ms Scrooge (1997)

Of course. Dickens' classic has been overdone so many times, sometimes well, sometimes badly, sometimes just plain awfully, and in every possible permutation, from muppets to CGI, from Bill Murray to Bill Nighy and from olden times to the far future, so why not do a female version of Scrooge? And while we're about it, why not make it an "urban update" and make the woman black? Check all the boxes at once. Well I could tell you why not, but you'd understand better if you have the fortitude/stupidity to watch this movie, eh IMDB?

IMDB? Hello? Anybody there?

Hmm. Seems they don't have a synopsis, despite having the movie on their list. Odd. Oh well, not to worry: luckily there's one I can transcribe from the True Christmas digital movie channel.

A wealthy, miserly woman learns the true meaning of Christmas in this urban update of A Christmas carol. A story everyone can believe in.

Er, yeah. Nobody in it that I know, but I suppose you can assume most of the cast is black. Probably. But no famous black people. No, not even Whoopi or Queen Latifah. Hey, it MUST be a bad movie if the Queen turned it down!

(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/6/67/SantaClawsDVD.jpg)
Oops! Wrong movie!
(https://m.media-amazon.com/images/M/MV5BMTY1MTM2MTcxMl5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwODE0NTM0MjE@._V1_FMjpg_UX1000_.jpg)
Ah, there we go!

Santa Claws (2014)

Oddly enough, this ain't on Wiki. What is on Wiki is a 1996 horror/slasher film, which, given the content and target audience of this one, I hope nobody ever mixed up and got the wrong movie for. "Ready to settle in to see bimbos shishkebabed by a manic Santa dripping in blood boys? Hey! Where the fuck did all these kittens come from??" And on the other side, "Mommy! Has that lady been naughty? Mommy! Where are all the cute little cats? Mommy I don't like this film! I thought Santa was good!"

See what I mean? Poles apart.

Anyhoo, this is apparently another feel-good-sit-down-with-the-kids movie about Santa getting sick and his place having to be taken by,  you guessed it, a bunch of kittens. Aah! I'm sure it's cute, if you're a six-year old. I haven't been six for three thousand yea- ah, for some considerable time. Oh look! Seems Glen Miller came back from the dead to direct this! Oh. Wait.

Rotten Tomatoes ratings

Tomatometer: n/a
Audience Score: 20%

IMDB rating

3.1/10

One critic persisted to the end, and had this to say: Animal-centric holiday flick has jumbled plot, bad acting. That was Grace Montgomery at Common Sense Media, (her dogged perserverance belying the truth of her workplace) while one audience member whined

The only film of 2014 I found myself incapable of finishing. And I watched Transformers 4!

Come on! What did you expect?

You know, they had to go for the obvious with the strapline, didn't they? "It's a holiday cat-astrophe!" Oh dear. Couldn't they at least have said "Kitten out the sleigh for Christmas" or "Many paws make flight work" or yes I know, I'll stop now.

"Hello Amazon? No, it's not the slasher movie, it's about kittens delivering - what do you mean, my credit card was declined??"

(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/3/3d/Lastounceofcourage-postcard.jpg)

Last Ounce of Courage (2012)

Subtitled "A film about family, faith and freedom", it looks like it could just as easily replaced those three alliterative words with "conservatism, corn and crap". Yeah, shut up: it's not that easy. Billed as a "Christian Christmas Movie", you know what you're in for, and if you somehow didn't, then the Stars and Stripes waving in your face while one man takes a stand and shakes his fist at assorted nebulous enemies of his religion will convince you. Yes, it's that old chestnut: "they comin' over here and takin' our Christmas!" Or, to put it in more South Park terms: "They took our Christmas! And our jobs!" Yeah.

The plot appears to be wafer-thin, but you can guess it anyway. One man stands up for truth, justice and the American right to celebrate Christmas against the massed hordes of ACLU-inspired liberals who want to take it away. He's also a soldier, riding around on a motorcycle (probably a Harley, but I can neither confirm nor care) with a big American flag sticking out of its arse. You know, for once I'm going to let an actual reviewer, someone who saw the movie, explain it, as they do it so well.

This movie is a Fox News viewer's wet dream: factually inaccurate, racially insensitive, and wallowing in manufactured Christian persecution and martyrdom. We're so oppressed! We are only allowed to have our Christmas decorations prominently displayed in our homes and places of worship. They are stripping us of our right to force everyone in the country to acknowledge our religion too!

Rotten Tomatoes ratings

Tomatometer: 0% (Hey! Another zero percent movie!)
Audience Score: 69% (all Republicans, no doubt)

IMDB rating

3.7/10

Metacritic rating

11


The guys at God Awful Movies podcast put it best: Will America Freedom Jesus? Will Jesus Freedom America? Will Freedom Freedom Freedom? Find out the Jesus to America Questions and Freedom, when we Jesus back for act Freedom of America America Jesus!

A far cry from IMDB's own synopsis of the movie, which warbles on, calling it a "heartwarming movie", "a beautiful story of love and forgiveness" and a movie that "inspire hope, take back the freedoms that are being lost and take a stand for the truth." Um, yeah. Biased much?

Other critics were more, ah, forthcoming about the movie, and there were a lot of them.

Frank Scheck of The Hollywood Reporter thought This religious-themed drama about a small-town mayor's personal crusade against "the war on Christmas" is about as subtle as the character's name -- Bob Revere

Michael O'Sullivan in The Washington Post remarked that The sheer volume of what I like to call "eyebrow acting" -- in which thespian intensity is directly proportional to the angle and depth of one's forehead furrows -- is staggering.

While Robert Abeale in the Los Angeles Times pointed out that The patriot-packaged "Last Ounce of Courage" has been made with the conviction of true zealots, but also the competence of amateurs.

Living up to her name, the World's Megan Basham said Though some of the language here mirrors what we often hear from the ACLU and public-school officials, Last Ounce of Courage simplifies and dumbs down their arguments to such a degree that they become ugly stereotypes rather than real people.

KC Active's Dan Lybarger said It's a call for the faithful to rise up if they, or any heathens who stumble in the audience, can wake from their naps or their fits of helpless unintentional laughter
 
Peter Sobcznski of EFilmCritic was more direct: America--$%#@ This!!!

The Salt Lake Tribune's Sean Means noted Politics aside, the hamfisted melodrama, amateurish acting, a tasteless finale and a cameo by either God or a ZZ Top cover-band refugee make "Last Ounce of Courage" laughably awful.

And Todd Jorgenson of Cinemalogue called it like this:  It's a bait-and-switch that masquerades as inspirational drama while pushing a political agenda   
 
Hey, at least the movie got Chuck Norris's vote: "It was an easy choice to endorse this film because its message is consistent with my life principles and core values.

Interestingly, though the movie made a paltry 3 million with a budget of just over one, which is not too bad a return, a court case brought against the marketing department of the movie's producers alleging that they engaged in a robocall campaign promoting the movie, and falsely posing as a survey, cost them 32 million in damages when they lost. So while our ill-advised friend The Nutcracker in 3D lost more money in total, in terms of percentages, let's see. 20 million against 90 is what, a loss of more than four times the outlay, whereas a budget of one million with a return of three is a three-fold profit, but then taking that 3 million and having to give back 32, you're looking at over ten times the loss. So this movie in the end far outstripped the hugely loss-making Nutcracker 3D in terms of profit to loss ratio.

Hey! Maybe there is a God! :laughing:

(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/0/02/Must_Be_Santa.jpg)
Must be Santa (1999)

IMDB point-blank refuses to even keep a summary on this turkey, but my 24-hour Christmas movie channel comes to the rescue:

An escaped prisoner is inadvertently selected to become the successor to Santa Claus, and does his best to live up to the role.

Might be a good start not to rob the kids' presents, new Santa! Oh how many more times are they going to trot out this tired old premise? You know what, IMDB? I don't blame you.

Nobody of consequence stars, so it's left to me to make a few off-colour jokes about the names of people I do not know, such as Randy Butcher (better not go into his shop wearing a short skirt!) and Arnold Pinnock, who surely should change his name to Pillock for starring in this train wreck? Oh, and it's written by Douglas Bowie, who I think we can all safely assume is no relation. That's it: that's all I got.

(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2Fb%2Fba%2FChristmas_in_Connecticut_92.jpg&hash=e30b08c762a4863f2ba38556c30e25a850fae3c0)
Christmas in Connecticut  (1992)

Remake of a 1945 movie starring Barbara Stanwyck and Sydney Greenstreet, I'm sure they did a lot better with this basically stupid idea of a woman lying about her professional and personal life having to face up to her lies, with no doubt hilarious results. Maybe. Sounds like a rejected script for an episode of Fawlty Towers. No, on second thoughts, it doesn't sound anywhere near that funny. What do you think, Internet Movie Data Base?

Elizabeth is the star of a successful cooking show and author of several cookbooks. But when her manager, Alexander sees forest ranger Jefferson, who lost his cabin in a fire, comment on TV about wishing he could get a home-cooked Christmas dinner, he arranges for a special live show on Christmas, for Elizabeth to cook him Christmas Dinner. Only Elizabeth can't cook, and trying to keep Jefferson and the viewing public from finding out on a live show may be a little difficult.

Surprisingly - or perhaps not, given it's a remake that starred some pretty heavy hitters of the time, this features both Tony Curtis and Country superstar Kris "Convoy" Kristofferson, and even has an uncredited role for the Governator himself! Sweet. Probably the best thing about the movie.

I think my eyes would pop inside my skull if I try to read all of this in one go, but I'll definitely read your review of Scrooged if you ever watch it. It's one of my favorite Christmas movies.

Groundhog day could have been the best. It of course lacks true Christmas, but it does have lots of snow and a sort of Christmas spirit at times.

Ah yes I know. I don't expect anyone to read it all in one go, but it will be here when anyone wants to read it. Only started it anyway. Lots more to come! Yes I've watched Scrooged, once or twice, and it will be in The Scroogedown. A good movie, and an interesting take on the tale, though if you read through it when it's done, you'll see there are others that take some intriguing liberties with the story.

And now, I got bad movies to write about! Sorry, more bad movies.  :laughing:

But first, on with
(https://i.postimg.cc/QtRVBBPj/cartoonxmas1.jpg)
(https://i1.sndcdn.com/artworks-000215686887-bjltc1-t500x500.jpg)

Episode title: "The Most Adequate Christmas Ever"
Series: American Dad
Season: Four
Written by: Jim Bernstein
First transmitted: December 16 2007

Back to American Dad we go, after a pretty poor attempt by MacFarlane's other franchise to present their take on the holiday season. One thing you can say about this show, whether you like it or not (I did, for a time) is that they know how to do Christmas specials, and they usually pull out all the stops.  Given that this is almost the same length of time into the series that the previous one was (six years later, yes) it's a vast improvement on Family Guy.

Stan comes home on Christmas Eve and promptly denigrates and insults the family's efforts at decorating. He leads them into the woods to cut down a new Christmas tree, unhappy with the one they have, but is so picky that none of the ones they suggest will do. Eventually they become so fed up with him that they leave him to it. He finds the perfect Christmas tree, all right, but when he cuts it down it falls on him and kills him.

He wakes up in Limbo, where he demands a second chance, and so must go to court to prove he deserves one. Here, he is given a lawyer, unfortunately the worst in the business; Michelle is known for having lost her first ten cases by agreeing with the prosecution! She has not yet earned her wings, and Stan's case seems hopeless as evidence is submitted by the opposing attorney demonstrating his callousness, selfishness and sense of always being right and never listening to anyone. Michelle tries to use one example of Stan's supposed selflessness, but it turns out to have been a dream. He is now boned, and Michelle tells him he can at least console himself with the thought that his family will soon be joining him, as he left them to die in the snow, taking the keys of the car when he left in search of the perfect Christmas tree.

Unable to secure a second chance, Stan falls back on old habits and pulls a gun on the judge. When His Honour laughs and says mortal guns don't work here, he takes one from a guard. Now he has a Heaven gun ("seriously," says someone in the crowd, "why do we have these things?") and forces his way out of the court, taking Michelle hostage, demanding to be taken to Heaven to see God personally. Gatecrashing Jesus's party, they split up and Stan goes looking for God. Stan finds God (sorry, couldn't resist!) but he is not in the mood, and when Stan threatens him with the gun he tells him to get a grip. When Stan puts down the gun and walks away, God tells him that was all he wanted, for Stan to admit to himself that he couldn't control everything all the time and didn't always know everything. He returns Stan to his family, also granting Michelle her wings. Home again, Stan praises the efforts of his family on their Christmas decorations, while Roger points out there is a hooker with wings outside the window watching them.


Notes

How is it that neither Hayley, whom we know has kept some dubious company in her time, nor Roger can just hot-wire the car? I mean, if they're all freezing to death... though Roger doesn't seem to be bothered by the cold, and he's about as selfish as Stan is. Still, does he want to be left out here alone? And doesn't he have a thing for Steve? At worst, he should want to save him. I will admit that when Seth or his people try, they can do two things really well - mythology and science fiction. Roger's planet, when we see it later, is very well thought out, and here we have chariots which, when the whip is cracked, bring into being an invisible Pegasus to pull them. We also have a huge Griffin (ha ha very clever) to take people to Heaven, and archangels who fly with burning swords. It's very impressive. I also like when Stan gets to God's office, he approaches the Almighty's desk and trips over something. Darkness falls. God drawls "Stan, you unplugged the sun."

Considering how they seem to hate being compared to The Simpsons - and with, at this point, almost twenty years on them by their rival - it's perhaps odd that Stan emulates Homer in their first Christmas episode, detailed in the first post, when he goes looking for a Christmas tree. Like the tight-fisted patriarch of the Simpsons family, Stan goes into the woods and tries to chop down a tree. However his story differs in that he does this in the full knowledge - and presence - of his family, whereas Homer went off alone to accomplish this deed in secret, probably embarrassed that he couldn't afford a real one. Stan could surely afford one, but for whatever reason decides to cut down his own - probably against state laws, but who knows - and in so doing secures his own demise. Perhaps there's a lesson to be learned there? Or, as David Bowie said as Pilate in the movie The Last Temptation of Christ, no, probably not.

It's a good tale, a metaphor for a man who has to control every aspect of not only his, but his family's life, and who always thinks he knows best. There are elements of It's a Wonderful Life in it of course, and it's hardly an original idea, but to be fair it's very well executed, and the outcome is handled decently. It's also a cute touch to note that the character of God does indeed look like a grown-up form of his son. Perhaps letting the episode down though, it concentrates almost entirely on Stan, there being no role for anyone else once he dies, meaning we see the family for about the first two or three minutes, and then again at the end, and that's it. So if you don't like Stan, or you're a fan of Roger, you're out of luck in this episode. They do make the most of their reduced screentime though, Francine as usual laying down the law, Steve getting his pee frozen, while Hayley, well, she just basically stands around. Roger has a few okay lines but mostly is very much underused. Again, we end on the standard American Dad theme, no festive version, and, unlike the previous Family Guy episode, no Christmas wishes from the characters.

And let's stick with the box for now, shall we, as we check out another of those

(https://i.postimg.cc/HLNwT9wx/xmastv1.jpg)


(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/9/90/Supernatural_2005_logo.svg/440px-Supernatural_2005_logo.svg.png)
"A Very Supernatural Christmas"

Billed as one of the "most violent Christmas specials in the history of television", the episode opens with a typically Christmassy scene, as a jolly grandfather visits his grandson and later, as Santa Claus, is suddenly pulled up the chimney by unseen hands, to the accompaniment of roars and screams, and all that comes back down is a bloodstained boot. This all happens within the originally fascinated and then horrified sight of his grandson. A year later another similar incident occurs, and Sam and Dean investigate, posing as agents from the FBI. After they find a sprig of mistletoe and a bloodied tooth up the chimney, Sam poses the possibility that they could be dealing with a rogue Santa, an evil brother to Jolly Old Saint Nick, who lore tells punishes the wicked. It's not much, but it's all they have to go on at the moment.

Turns out there have been two victims, and they both visited the same place before they died: Santa's Village. But the Santa they stake out seems to be nothing more than a harmless old man, while some distance away an evil figure climbs the stairs in another house and comes down dragging a bundle, a bundle which issues muffled protests as it is hauled down the stairs, again while a child watches. When the brothers investigate this, the second murder, they notice a wreath in the house identical to one they saw in that of the other victim. Bobby tells them that the wreaths smelled of Meadowsweet, which is a herb that was used in human sacrifices to attract the pagan gods. He describes it as "chum for the gods". It seems that anyone who buys one of these wreaths may as well be asking to be killed. The obvious thing to do is to try to find out who's selling them.

The boys work out that the pagan god being summoned is most likely Hold Nickar, the god of the winter solstice, who rewards his supplicants with mild weather. In December in the middle of Michigan, where they are, there is no snow, which is certainly out of the ordinary. But when they locate a shop that was selling them - they're all out now - the shopkeeper tells them that he got them free from some lady who lives locally. As they discuss "doing Christmas" - Sam is against it - Dean points out that it is his last year; after this he will be in Hell, thanks to the pact he made with the demon in season two. But Sam says he can't do it for just that reason: Dean wants a last Christmas, but Sam can't just pretend everything is okay and celebrate the holiday season when he knows his brother will be dead the following year.

We see in flashback young Dean tell Sam about what their father really does, telling him that he is a demon hunter and their mother was taken by demons. Sam is shocked, but probably also angry that he wasn't let in on the secret, even if it is a horrible, scary one. When the boys in the present go to visit the woman purported to make the wreaths, a Madge Kerrigan, and her husband Edward, they are told that she has no more wreaths to sell, as she only made the number that she gave to the shop.

As the boys research the couple, they find that they originally came from Seattle, at the same time as two other mysterious murders took place at Christmas, and they only moved here, to Michigan, in January of this year. When they return to the Kerrigan's house a little exploration reveals a basement filled with blood, human debris, cutting tools and ... one bag that seems to still contain a living being! But as they reach for it the Kerrigans get the drop on them. They come to and find themselves in a sickeningly homely Christmas set. The two Kerrigans reveal themselves not to be the acolytes of pagan gods, but the actual gods themselves, and go on to bleed the two boys, taking their tribute as ancient deities. However a call at the door distracts them and when they return the brothers have got loose.

They break branches off the Kerrigans' Christmas tree to use as stakes, and impale both the monsters. After all they've been through, and remembering how Dean always tried to make Christmas special for him when they were young, Sam decorates the hotel room and they exchange presents. After all, it is going to be their last ever...

QUOTES
Sam: "It's gonna sound crazy..."
Dean: What could you possibly say to me that would sound crazy?"
Sam: "Evil Santa?"
Dean: "You're right: it's crazy."

Dean: "Did you talk to Bobby? What did he say?"
Sam: "That we're morons."

Dean: "She didn't charge you?" (for the wreaths)
Shopkeeper: "No."
Dean: "Bet you didn't sell them for free?"
Shopkeeper: "Hell no! It's Christmas! People pay a buttload for this crap!"
Dean: "That's the spirit."

Kerrigan: "Suddenly this Jesus character comes along, and he's the next big thing!"

Right then. You know what they say: too much TV makes your eyes go square. For some reason. Apparently. Nah, what you need is some good old-fashioned movies! And, given the season, and given that I don't do things like what other normal folks do, and, finally, given the fact that we've already set foot inside this mausoleum of mediocre movies, let's head back down the slippery stairs, gripping the cold, mossy wall and trying to ignore the screams of "I didn't even want to be in this thing!" and "They told me it would be a classy movie!" as we pay our second visit and re
(https://i.postimg.cc/Hx0FMRvj/crapxmas1.jpg)
Now if you thought Mexican Santa in space was bad.... :laughing:

(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/3/3b/Santa_and_the_Ice_Cream_Bunny_FilmPoster.jpeg)
Title: Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny
Year: 1972
Writer: R. Winer
Director: R. Winer
Genre: Fantasy
Stars: Jay Ripley, Kim Nicholas (the rest are only credited by their first name, and are all kids)

Before I begin, I read in the Wiki and IMDB reviews that this contains a film within a film, that much of it was padded out with a version of Thumbelina or Jack and the Beanstalk, depending on which version of the movie you get. I have no intention of telling the story of either, since a) they neither of them have anything to do with Christmas and b) it's clearly a cynical attempt by the director to get his other failed movie(s) some extra oxygen, and I'll be fucked if I'm helping him. So when it comes to the internal story, I'll just introduce it and then move on past it to where this film picks up again. I say "picks up" in the widest possible meaning of the word, of course.

Sadly, whoever decided to cast children as the main stars and do all the singing didn't check to see if they were able to handle simple things like rhythm, harmony and, well, carrying a tune in a metal container with a handle. The result is a confused, out-of-tune, out of time cacophony as kids sing, or try to, and it's not a good start. The basic premise seems to be that the kids (I assume these are meant to be elves, as they're all dressed in blue - why not green, I don't know - and wearing pointy hats) are watching for Santa but there's no sign of him as yet. If he has any sense he's probably down the local, which is where I should be, and where I may end up after this trainwreck.
(https://64.media.tumblr.com/16c8f81f766bc52637eaa80b624117bb/tumblr_inline_ou4qsjQjCX1rj0abt_500.png)
The narrator's voice (yes there's a narrator in this one too) is provided by Dorothy Brown Green, and whoever she is, she sounds more like a wicked witch pretending to be nice than anything else. Anyhoo, turns out that Santa is mired in the Florida sand, his sleigh having crashed and the reindeer having fucked off back to the NP. Oh look! Santa can't sing either - he sort of speaks the song and even that is out of tune. Lordy. He falls asleep - I know how he feels - and summons children to him by mind-melding with them or some fucking thing. At least this is the only time we are subjected to the ordeal of him mangling music with his tuneless voice, so there is that.

And for no reason I can discern, and completely flouting the laws of logic, time and reality, and just for good measure  (or crippling lack of budget) dressed in contemporary clothes, Huckleberry Finn and Tom Sawyer come too, on a raft on the river to the strains of "Old Man River". Played on a kazoo. I kid you not. And one of them has a cat. A cat that clearly and very definitely does not want to be there, as it keeps trying to escape. Again, I know how it feels.

Okay, now that all of the kids have gathered on the beach and Santa has explained his predicament, they run off to see what they can do to help. Now one of them is coming back with, um, a gorilla. No, you heard me right.  A gorilla. Well, a guy in a gorilla costume, actually, making gorilla sounds. He tries to pull the sleigh out, but given that fat bastard Santa is still in it and does not get out he is doomed to failure. Two other kids drag a very reluctant donkey on to the beach to try but it fails too. Well, as they haven't even scared up any kind of rein or halter or fucking anything to attach the donkey to the sleigh, it was a non-starter from the beginning, wasn't it? I mean, what did they expect? Hardly future CEOs of major corporations, these kids, are they? Or wait: maybe they are.
(https://aajhslivewire.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/12/gorilla.jpg)
And now a black pig, who is not happy, and who would be? Who ever heard of a pig pulling anything? This is followed by a sheep - at least this time the fat cunt gets out of the sleigh and tries to help. Well, it is a girl on her own, and she can hardly be expected to handle the animal all alone. Not that there was ever any chance of such a harebrained scheme working. Well, about as much as any of the others I suppose. Up next, a cow, then a horse (again without any harness of any sort) with similar results.

And then Santa starts telling the story of Thumbelina, at which point I hit the fast-forward button.

Thankfully, when we rejoin the actual movie there's a mere ten minutes to go, as I don't think I could take much more of this crap. So Santa is still stuck up the chimney sorry in the Florida sand, and the kids are all sitting around, having done nothing since the last attempt, when having complained constantly about how hot it is, Santa only now hits on the idea of actually taking off the big fucking coat and hat and jacket. Jesus H! What a gobshite.
(https://media1.tenor.com/images/45ed550e5f9c56f225c56e49d55c8a10/tenor.gif?itemid=10358629)
Finally, for no reason at all and with no explanation, an old fire engine appears, driven by a big white rabbit (presumably the Ice Cream Bunny who shares the title with Santa). Driving at about a mile an hour it takes about five minutes on screen to arrive, driving, for some reason, though a carnival and attracting some odd glances as it goes, full of children and driven, as mentioned, by a large white rabbit. Why it has to take so long is beyond me. Couldn't they have time lapsed it, or cut the scenes together? Oh right: the kids have to sing again. Do they? They do, unfortunately.

Now, I assumed old mister icy cream face was going to use his fire engine to pull out the sleigh. I mean, why else did he come here, right? But no. Santa climbs on board and off they go on a road trip. And at the end of it all, the fucking sleigh, left behind, vanishes, and we're told that it went back to the North Pole, leaving the very reasonable question of if this was possible then why the hell did Santa not just do this in the first place, instead of trying to physically drag the thing out?

Kind of a metaphor for the whole movie really.

Notes

Hard to make any, but I will of course take issue with the fact that this movie, which runs for just short of two hours, is actually about a half hour long, the rest of it taken up with the unrelated and complete (including credits) movie of Thumbelina, which has fuck-all to do with Christmas and was obviously this guy's attempt to show his stupid poxy movie again to people who, most likely again did not want to see it. I will thank him though, because at least it saved me from having to suffer through a longer piece of garbage than I could have comfortably stood.

Nevertheless, questions raise their heads, other than the obvious two: why would someone waste their time, energy, and presumably very little money filming this? And why did I have to suffer through it?

Was there anything good about this movie?

In a word: no. The most basic logic goes to hell in the storyline. We're not told how Santa crashed in Florida - because of course that would require some thinking, some creative input, and this movie doesn't work that way. He just crashes. I mean, he's clearly expert in handling his sleigh, has been for hundreds of years. What happened? Was it a hurricane? Did he get buzzed by a fighter plane? Did he get drunk at the wheel?

The idea of using animals to haul the sleigh out holds a certain amount of water, as long as you're familiar with the simple mechanics of how harnessed animals work! You can't just put a horse in front of a cart and expect it to pull it. You have to lock it into the mechanism, hook it up, just as you can't back a cab up to a trailer and pull away with a container of goods. You have to secure the container to the cab first, link the two. So putting a variety of animals in or around or near the sleigh doesn't even make the slightest sense if you're not going to harness them to it.

In actual fact, stupid and out of place though it was (who sees one in Florida?) the gorilla - guy in the gorilla suit - at least made  a proper effort. Everything else was just nonsense. To say nothing of the fact that the fat fucker doesn't even get out of the sleigh the first few tries, lamenting "it's no use". Well, yeah, it's no use with you sitting in the poxy thing, you stupid fuck. What are you? 300 pounds? Think it might have been helpful had you moved your fat talentless arse out of the sleigh and tried to help the children pull the thing out of the sand? Might have been a plan? No?

And who or what the blue jumping fuck is the ice cream bunny? Santa welcomes him as his old friend, but there's no explanation as to where he came from or what he is. He's the worst possible deus ex machina; a way to resolve the plot without justifying his presence in any way. Might as well have had God's  hand reach down and pull the sleigh out of the sand. And crushed the writer, while He was at it.

Why did it take Santa so fucking long to realise that if you're wearing a big red suit in the Florida heat, you're gonna sweat buckets, and the best thing to do is take it off? But no: he sits there complaining (sometimes in song, lord help us) about how hot it is. Is he an idiot?

No, there is nothing about this movie I can recommend, other than not to watch it, even under pain of death. Dying would be preferable. The singing is awful (especially from Santa, but the kids come a close second), the story is ludicrous, the inserting of an entire other unconnected movie just shows how wafer-thin the plot is and how the writer had to pad it out, the effects are non-existent and the direction is at best chaotic, with kids running everywhere, appearing, disappearing, but Santa basically staying in the one shot for the entire fucking film, until he finally fucks off at the end of it. The acting is awful - and since Santa is the main character, most of that has to be on Jay Clark, who can neither sing nor act - and the ending is so bizarre you would think it had been written by a three-year old. I take it back: a three-year old would have written a more coherent plot.

Avoid, at all costs.

Oh, and what the fuck was the point of Huckleberry Finn and Tom Sawyer? Answers on a used fifty euro note please...

Let's try to restore some sanity, shall we?

(https://i.postimg.cc/QVZBzBkf/scroogeth.png)


Year: 1970
Medium: Colour
Starring: Albert Finney, Alec Guinness, Edith Evans, Kenneth More
Directed by: Joseph Bowler
Length: 113 mins

Brief comments: I know this one very well. My sister loves* it, and she had a VHS cassette she almost wore out watching, Christmas or not. It's the first colour adaptation, and even given the one above and the cartoon version, pretty much the first proper musical. I feel it will be hard to fault this in any area, but I've never watched it objectively before, so this will be interesting.

* Sadly I now have to change that to "loved". :'(

CHARACTERS
Scrooge: Well played by Finney, on both the grumpy side and the changed-man side. Sings well too. Probably worth an 8 here.
Marley: Sir Alec Guinness. Need I say more? A clear 10. Good visualisation and great acting, as you would expect. Not hammy in any way and quite true to the character in the story.
Cratchit: Annoyance factor doubled by the fact he sings, but still ok I guess. 6
Tiny Tim: REALLY annoying! And he sings in a soprano. Ugh. But he plays the part well. 4
Others: Bob's friend Tom, who sings "Thank You Very Much" is a revelation, a young Gordon Jackson with hair! Gotta give him a 6 for his performance.
The Ghosts: Ghost of Christmas Past: Very well played as an elderly, no-nonsense woman. Scenes of his past are good. A solid 6
                     Ghost of Christmas Present: A sort of mixture of the classic ideal from the novel and the Jolly Green Giant. Like the idea of the milk of human kindness. Pretty great all around, except for the exclusion of Want and Ignorance at the end. A good 8 here
                    Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: Good until they went and showed his skull-face, which while meant to be a shock was in fact nothing more than schlock, and battering you over the head - look! He's a skeleton! Yeah, we guessed. Sorry, but that drops his rating down to 4.

Faithful to the novel: Mostly, but I have to take issue with the added-on bit at the end, where Scrooge actually ends up in Hell. Not in the story, and although it's clever and handled well, and we get to see Guinness again, it's unnecessary and seems tacked-on. Makes for a lower score than it should have got, and I can only muster 7 here.
Emotion level: Well, with a musical you're always going to have some, yes, but I wasn't all that particularly moved. Not as much as I was, for instance, with some of the less upbeat versions. So only 5 here.
Puke level: Other than Tiny Tim, there's nothing really, so for his sake I'll just throw in a little -2
Horror level: Nah, not really. The Hell scenes are done well but don't scare, the face of the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come is silly and Halloweenish, and there's no dividing of Scrooge's gear, which often adds the real horror element. A little too much concentrating on the songs and not so much on the actual story, so here there's a big fat zero.
Soundtrack: Well, what can you say? One of the best, if not the best ever soundtracks to a Scrooge movie. Great songs like "I Hate People", "Father Christmas", the superb "Thank You Very Much" and the exuberant "I Like Life". Solid 10 all round here.

So, total score then: 74
But with both Albert Finney and Alec Guinness in it that gives it an extra 10, plus a young Gordon Jackson and Roy Kinnear have cameos, so that's another five apiece, giving a
Grand Total of 94, highest score yet.

Year: 1938
Medium: Black-and-white
Starring: Reginald Owen, Gene Lockhart, Kathleen Lockhart, Barry MacKay
Directed by: Edwin L. Marin
Length: 69 mins

Brief comments: Yes! It arrived at last! Considering this was the first time Hollywood really got a hold of the story, I don't feel they messed it up too much or put too much of a spin on it. They did add a few bits here and there and subtract others, which I'll detail later, but by and large this was probably one of the better versions I've seen so far, and I'm glad I shelled out the few bucks for the DVD. Was certainly worth waiting for.

CHARACTERS
Scrooge: Owen is perfect in the part; Scrooge is bent, withered, nasty and old. His transformation, unlike some others, is believable without being over the top, and you can actually see it happening gradually. Not perfect, but a good solid 8 certainly.
Marley: One of the best prior to Alec Guinness's defining portrayal of the melancholy ghost. For the time, the effects are good too: you can see through him, and he doesn't ham it up or go overboard. Very good all round. Another 8.
Cratchit: The least annoying of any of the portrayals of the clerk so far, bar none. I actually didn't hate him, and though the character is always something of a wimp he seemed to possess some sort of inner strength, a sense of defiance that none of the others did. I'll never I expect give a Cratchit a 10, but he definitely deserves a 9
Tiny Tim: Sorry, but the kid brings it all down again, though he's not quite so annoying. But it's hard to like him. I'll say a 6, to be kind.
Others: Fred is well played with great gusto and exuberance and Mrs Cratchit is something of a revelation. I think she and the actor who played Bob Cratchit are/were married in real life, as they both have the same surname. If so, their onscreen chemistry is explainable and very touching. 6 for Fred and 8 for Mrs C.
The Ghosts: The Ghost of Christmas Past: Holy crap she is stunningly gorgeous! Must have been a real heartbreaker in her day. Kind of reminds me, in her manner, of a good fairy godmother, though if they were all like this we'd everyone be crying to go to the ball! Got to give her a 9, easily.
                     The Ghost of Christmas Present: Very powerful, very direct and yet behind his booming laughter lies a note of reproach, not only to Scrooge but to men, who still try to fight in the street, even on Christmas! A good 7 for him.
                     The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: Always hard to do anything with this figure, but he's okay. Just about. A 5, to be fair.

Faithful to the novel: Really, no. There are several departures from the story, including Scrooge sacking Cratchit (which never happened), Scrooge being so incensed about Marley's ghostly appearance that he calls up the Watch to scare him off (never happened either) and several omissions, such as the dividing up of Scrooge's belongings, Scrooge cutting short the trip with the Ghost of Christmas Past (which does happen, but is seldom shown) and again no Want or Ignorance, which was an aspect of the Ghost of Christmas Present that I felt always really grounded the character and made him more than a buffoon who enjoyed the finer things in life. All in all, I can really only award this a low 4.
Emotion level: Some, but not much really. 4 again.
Puke level: Zero
Horror level: Zero; the absence of the trio dividing up Scrooge's things leaves this with no real sense of horror, to me.
Soundtrack: Average. Say a 4. Nothing special.

So our total then is 78, another quite high score. No real extra factors to bump that score up though.

Year: 1971
Medium: Colour (Animated)
Starring: Alastair Sim
Directed by: Richard Williams
Length: 25 mins

Brief comments: The first of what would become a slew of animated versions of the story (I kind of don't count Mister Magoo's Christmas Carol as it was based in the world of an already-known cartoon icon; this was written completely separate to any other cartoon, although others that would follow, particularly Mickey's Christmas Carol, would use well-known cartoon characters as the basis for, and participants in the story. As a version it's short so quite abridged, and few characters speak really. Cratchit barely says a word, Fred has his visit at the beginning but that's about it, and the Ghosts do their bit (well, two of them: The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come never speaks), and generally it's almost a one-man show. It is quite rushed though, however I must admit the animation really gives the feel of something that could have been created in Dickens' time. Decent enough.

CHARACTERS
Scrooge: Can only really concentrate on him, as he has the lion's share of the lines (sorry) but although this is Alastair Sim reprising his role from the 1951 movie, I don't feel he does the character justice here, and it's a bit of a fuddle-headed, confused performance. Quite poor I have to say. A generous 4.
Marley: Quite scary and of course given that this is animated they can do some interesting things, such as making his mouth seem twice the size it should be. Good job on him really. A solid 7
Cratchit: Almost non-existent. Very poor. A low 3 for him.
Tiny Tim: Same. He's hardly in it at all. A very low 2
Others: n/a
The Ghosts: The Ghost of Christmas Past: A good representation, if a bit rushed. Score of 6
                     The Ghost of Christmas Present: Again very good, best of the three, and it includes the skeletal figures of Want and Ignorance, which I remember at the time scared the crap out of me, as they're meant to. For that, mostly, I give him a good score of 8
                     The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: Pretty standard. What can you do, after all, with a silent, ghostly hooded skeleton? 5.

Faithful to the novel: No. The story is shortened too much. What there is is faithful but there's so much left out or glossed over it has to get a low score. I know they were restricted, given the running time, but still, only a 4 here.
Emotion level: Zero
Puke level: Zero
Horror level: I would have said zero too, but the two figures of Want and Ignorance, especially as they awoke such terror in me as a child, have to rescue this and get it a decent 8.
Soundtrack: None really, so zero.

Total then is 47. Given that Sim reprises his role I would have awarded extra points, but the fact that he made such a dull, lifeless Scrooge second time around loses those points. The only other awards I can give is for the actual animation, which is really first class, so 7 for that, and the attendance of the legendary Chuck Jones gets it another 5, so the
Grand Total is then 69

So although all three scored quite highly in the end, we have a very clear winner. It's not that surprising, as it is acknowledged as generally one of the very best versions, and with a total score of 94 Albert Finney's 1970 musical blasts the competition to tatters and strides confidently and easily into the second round.

Winner round three: 1970 starring Albert Finney (dir. Joseph Bowler)

And now we... what? Get off! Ummphh! Lemme outta here! What the... ow! Stop hitting me! It really hurts!
(https://i.imgur.com/Y2ZTGtc.gif)
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.trollheart.com%2Fxmasburns4a.png&hash=2eaff7384289744f18b23cb75f111350c0511e1a)
(https://frinkiac.com/video/S05E10/V7kKalRkn9Ied4DFTrja5j-vfIY=.gif)
Ah, yes, excellent! That will teach this Trollheart not to underestimate the likes of me! Why, I made him what he is, you know. Oh yes: he wouldn't be where he is today without me! What? Did he think his many enemies just "disappeared" on their own? I've managed to kick in the door of his Couch Po-tay-to (well, Smithers did the kicking of course - sigh. Very well, my hired goons did it. Smithers is suited for many things but being a bully-boy is not one of them) to warn you not to watch the tell-o-vision tomorrow, as, like every other day in this bleak, infuriating season when everyone goes around with a smile on their face as if it were painted there (they won't be smiling when their Visa and American Express bills come in I can tell you!), it's really not worth it. Smithers! The sign!
(https://i.postimg.cc/JhTJcL9r/xmasthsmall-BURNS.png)
Yes, it's time once again, just before you spread the brandy butter on your Christmas pudding and lift Tom Turkey out of the oven (really? What did turkeys ever do to you? A fine, fat goose is all I need!) to realise how dismal the television, as I believe they call it in these enlightened days - we used to call it the magic cube - is over Christmas, and to spend one more session of
(https://i.postimg.cc/6q7pJsjh/xmasth41burns.png)

(Annoying but necessary disclaimer: again, all listings are NOT correct at time of going to press).

So, what delights have the television network executives seen fit to foist upon us this year? Let's see, Christmas Day, Christmas Day - La Nollag? What the blue blazes - oh, I see. It's Irish for Christmas Day. Humph. How delightfully provincial! Really, does anyone on the godforsaken island even speak that language? What a waste of time! Oh yes? Well, phog mo shon, as I believe you say over here. Hmm? No, I don't think I'll say that without my burly goons standing over me, you look far too angry and strong. I think I'll just stay here and peruse this rag till ... ah.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 - RTE One - 16:00

Yes yes yes, we all know about the little bespectacled wizard and his many adventures. Don't you people get tired of this upstart? Penultimate instalment, it says here. Let's hope so. Movies like this give maniacal evil genius like myself a bad name!

Happy feet - TG4 - 15:05

Ah yes. Leave it to the Irish language channel to come up with the brilliant idea of running a movie practically everyone has seen (it's 2006, for Heaven's sake!) about animated penguins who cannot sing. Well, who would expect a chocolate bar to be able to - ah, I see. Those sort of penguins. Still sounds rubbish. Still, watch it if you simply must have your fix of feel-good movie magic, I hope you choke on it.

ET the Extraterrestrial - RTE 2 - 19:35

Speaking of movies everyone in the world except Trollheart has seen, look what the other national television channel has dug up in the efforts to be the least hip and up-to-date channel in the world, except perhaps for San Salvador's Tranmissitor Uno. A movie made over THIRTY years ago! Now that's how to attract the viewers and pull them away from

The Doctor Who Christmas Special : The Time of the Doctor - BBC 1 - 19:30

Oh, if you're a fan of the time-travelling meddler you won't want to miss this! Personally, I can't be doing with all that mucking about in time and space. Leave that to the younger chaps. Still, his assistant is very perky, and if there's one thing I do like it's a perky assistant. Given the choice, would you rather watch this or an ancient movie about a plastic puppet who can't find his way back home?  ::)  No, no, that was not a tear! It's just a condition I have in my eyes that make me want to - Smithers! The Kleenex! Quickly!

Incidentally, for you Doctor Who fans (no I will certainly not call them that! The very idea! Contract? What contract? Do you know who you're threatening? I'm Charles Montgomery - oh very well! If you must!) or, ahem, Whovians, as I believe you're called, you can catch two other shows about your favourite Timelord here

An Adventure in Space and Time - BBC 2 - 16:30

An entertaining dramatisation of the genesis of the show and the rise to fame of the first Doctor

and if you really have to

Doctor Who at the Proms - BBC 2 - 15:15

The music of Doctor Who played by an orchestra who probably were fed up just kicking about at home and thought why the hell not? We might as well...

Right then! Enough about that Doctor chap! On to the next show.

Downton Abbey Christmas Special - ITV - 20:30

I have never been able to see the attraction of Downton Abbey - give me Upstairs, Downstairs any day! - but for those of you who follow the show this is a special two hour episode focussing on Christmas themes. Bah. How original.

A Muppet Christmas Carol - Channel 4 - 16:35

Ah, one of the few Scrooge movies I can stand. Michael Caine stands tall among the colourful puppets and lays waste to all around him with an Uzi - what? I am? Oh dear me, you're correct. I'm reading the wrong synopsis! How silly of me. Let's see then: a charming retelling of the Dickens tale by the Muppets, with all your favourites. And Micheal Caine. Well, who doesn't like muppets? They work for nothing, don't organise unions, don't take lunch breaks, and you can throw them all in a box when you're finished. Excellent! Still, I preferred the first synopsis.

Matthew Bourne's Sleeping Beauty - BBC 2 - 18:10

Bourne, eh? Isn't he that delightful spy chap who goes around killing and chasing... No? Ah. Wrong Bourne. I... see. Well, we'll just see what the so-called Oir-tee-ee guide has to say about that, shall we? Hmm. "The choreographer reimagines Tchaikovsky's ballet adaptation of the fairy tale", it says here. Yes, well, I doubt too many people will join him. Why is it that they trot out ballet every Christmas? What is the connection, I ask you? I mean, "The Nutcracker", fair enough, but "Sleeping Beauty"? Bah! Smithers! Why are you marking that on the electronic programmer guide? What interest could you possibly have in watching men in tight leotards wiggling their... actually, I'd prefer not to know. I suppose it is Christmas for you, too, after all.

Bear's wild weekend with Stephen Fry - Channel 4 - 20:30

Now I'm sorry to disappoint those of you who think the title refers to a grizzly chasing the annoying Mister Fry through the forest in the hopes of varying its diet for Christmas (now that's something I'd pay to see!) but this is in fact that annoying fellow Bear Grylls, trying to show the Fry one how to survive out in the wilderness, or up some mountain in the rear end of Europe somewhere. No doubt trapping wild game and eating many bugs and disgusting plants along the way. Remind me never to invite him around for dinner! Or Grylls.

A Christmassy Ted - Channel 4 - 23:05

Finally! Something decent. Sort of. That hilarious (and dead) Father Ted and his moronic sidekick get lost in the lingerie section of a huge department store. Yes, well, I've tried that one too, Father! Just buying for the girlfriend, eh? Spiffingly funny show, only suffering from the fact that is has been on EVERY DAMN CHRISTMAS SINCE IT WAS MADE! The joke it beginning to wear thin, although Trollheart will of course tell you otherwise, and has done. Doesn't surprise me in the least: I'm sure he watches it just to see all the knickers and bras and - what? Libel? I assure you it is not. Libel is only if what you say is not true! See you in court? Well, we'll just see about that, won't we now sonny?

Ah, excuse me dear readers but it appears that dashed Trollheart has managed to get himself free and I've been, um, invited to leave this thread. Seems he's a little upset I gave away his secret - all right, all right, I'm going! Come on Smithers! Wouldn't stay here a moment longer. You'll regret this, Trollheart! I swear, if it takes my remaining days alive I will have my revenge. You've made a very powerful enemy, my friend. I'm Charles Montgomery Burns! I should be able to slander anyone I - where did YOU get ... hounds?

Smithers! Get me out of here! NOW!
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fstatic.tvtropes.org%2Fpmwiki%2Fpub%2Fimages%2Fhounds2_9767.png&hash=ca23964897f26c4ec0ea612c29ef074e52ea800a)
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Bah Humbug!

That's quite enough hilarity for you, young man, young lady, or young (or old) undecided! Time to suffer through another collection of
(https://i.postimg.cc/ZKfcjqwX/25worstfilms1.png)
(https://resizing.flixster.com/iNb1gDrvGEx52dr3Lst_jvvk2sg=/206x305/v2/https://flxt.tmsimg.com/assets/p12239995_p_v10_aa.jpg)
Christmas Trade (2017)

I really don't know what to say! Peurile, simplistic and somehow Christmas-themed movie about an adult and a child switching bodies, which you've seen done far better in films like Freaky Friday, Big, 18 Going on 30 etc etc etc. Holy crap! William Baldwin and Denise Richards are in it? Must have been some roofie you guys drank! Bet you're sorry now!

Rotten Tomatoes ratings

Tomatometer: n/a
Audience Score: 38%

IMDB rating

4.8/10

Only one critic review, and that's pretty unimpressed as you might imagine. Renee Schonfeld of Common Sense Media yawns Dad, son switch bodies in flimsy, predictable holiday comedy.

Indeed. Another zero percenter on Rotten Tomatoes. Who knew there were so many?

(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/9/96/SantaWho.jpg)
Santa Who? (2000)

The late Leslie Nielsen seems to have had some truly bad judgement when accepting movie roles. We all know he was perfect in Police Squad and its not-quite-as-funny spin off movies The Naked Gun (three movies which got progressively more annoying and ran out of ideas more with each sequel) and of course Airplane! And its sequel, in which he more or less made his name as a film star. But then you have Repossessed, 2001: A Space Travesty, Spy Hard, Men With Brooms, two of the Scary Movies, Stan Helsing, Mr (shudder) Magoo and on and on until ten years after this movie he passed away. I expect he will always be remembered as the strait-laced, unintentionally funny Lieutenant Frank Drebin, which is just as well, as he would not want to have left this as his legacy!

Trotting out the tired old story of someone losing their memory (a feat I bet everyone who watched this wishes they could emulate) we have Santa bopping his head and forgetting who he is. Now, since he fell out of his sleigh over LA (yes I know it rhymes) surely it can be assumed he was wearing his Santa suit and so could easily be identified you know what: let's just not trouble the agents of logic with this one, as the writer obviously did not. Nielsen clearly did not learn his lesson from this movie, as the next year he was off starring in Kevin of the North, Men With Brooms and Scary Movie 3, but I guess that's his funeral. Oh. Sorry. Well.

Rotten Tomatoes ratings

Tomatometer: n/a
Audience Score: 27%

IMDB rating

5.2/10

No critics would go on record, so we have only audience reaction, like this one:

Just an awful movie. Don't waste your time watching it.

And this

Many people claim this film can destroy Christmas. Although nothing is that bad, I can see where they are coming from. You'd expect a little bit of comedy from a film with Leslie Nielson about Santa losing his memory. Either I was completely oblivious to the humour, or the film was playing it straight. There's no real entertainment to be had, no fun in sight. It's cheap, and uneventful.

(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/4/45/A_Christmas_Prince_-_The_Royal_Wedding.png)
A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding (2018)

Chick flick? Has to be. Surely gooey-eyed women are the only ones who would suffer through this tripe, tapping silk handkerchief to eyes as they burble about how beautiful and charming it is. Give me Die Hard any day. If you've seen the original you'll know what to expect, however according to the critics this "holiday romance" movie fails to capture even the feel of the original. Colour me surprised.

Rotten Tomatoes ratings

Tomatometer: 50%
Audience Score: 33%

IMDB rating

5.2/10

Sigh. Magic has not struck twice for this franchise, thought The Decider's Lea Palmieri while Evan Dossey of The Midwest Film Journal pronounced it An overstuffed and desperate sequel that squanders the goodwill of the first film.

Ani Bundel from NBC News THINK agreed: The Royal Wedding is actually less entertaining than the original, mostly because it failed to produce more bizarre, fairy-tale inspired sequences - like the "heroine attacked by wolves" scene in the original version.

Writing in The Pittsburgh Daily Paper, Hannah Lynn noted This movie is frustrating and lifeless, more so than its Hallmark and Lifetime competitors because it's bad on purpose

And one person who saw it opined

A formulaic sequel, A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding is a mildly entertaining yet disappointing Netflix original film. The acting is pretty bad, but then again so is the script; which couldn't be more cliche or trite. There's just no heart in this supposed romantic comedy.

(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/4/47/A_Merry_Friggin%27_Christmas_poster.jpg)
A Merry Friggin' Christmas (2014)

A Christmas film with Robin Williams in it? Must be good, right? Well, no. Not according to those who saw it. With a rather unnecessary expletive in the title, the formula seems trite to the nth degree - a road trip back home between a man and his estranged father to collect forgotten Christmas presents.
Critics seemed unanimous that blame could not be laid at the feet of the actors.

Rotten Tomatoes ratings[/u]

Tomatometer: 14%
Audience Score: 21%

IMDB rating

5.1/10

Metacritic rating

28


A slipshod comedy with Williams in default mode as a lovable grouch. A waste of a once-brilliant star. said Rafer Guzman of Newsday, an opinion backed up by Geoff Berkshire of Variety, who said

The makers of "A Merry Friggin' Christmas" sprung for the fancy wrapping but skimped on the gift inside. How else to explain the gathering of such a talented and likable cast in service of such undercooked, utterly laugh-free material?

Andrew Daley of One Room With a View was harsher: Time-worn jokes and Christmas cliches inhibit any form of innovation, resulting in a film of all round mediocrity.

And Nicholas Bell of IONCINEMA agreed: A Merry Friggin' Christmas is just too F'in lazy and milquetoast to register as more than mere background noise

EFilmCritic's Rob Gonsalves felt sorry for Williams who shuffles around looking angry and depressed - more so than the script would justify.

But David Nusair of Reel Film Reviews had two words to describe it: Inconsequential and forgettable...

No respite from the audiences either.

With a paper-thin plot and an incredible cast that is given next to nothing to do, this film does get pretty tired, has it's moments, but is ultimately a dull, poorly lit Christmas film. Mediocre at best!

May he rest in peace, but it's no secret that Robin Williams' film choices after Good Will Hunting simply didn't match his best work. Terrible movie, at least it's super short, no more than 73 minutes at the most. It's not painless, but at least it's over quick.

Not really counted as a movie (well, it is, but I'm not featuring it) I just wanted to mention
An Avonlea Christmas (Year unknown, nor do I care)

The King family gather together to celebrate the holidays, however the season is a time of crisis this year as eldest son Felix, who was fighting overseas, is missing in action.

Look, I agree it's probably stupid to hate something you have never seen, have no idea what it is, and whose path you are never likely to cross, but then, I never said I was a reasonable guy, did I? This is probably a TV movie, as IMDB doesn't have anything on it. I have no idea who the King family are, but already I hate them. I'm assuming this is one of those families from some boring series like The Waltons or The Sullivans, who happen to get a Christmas special and turn it into a movie. There's another that really bugs me, though I know absolutely nothing about it: A Wind At My Back Christmas. Makes you want to puke, don't it? Sounds like grandad after he's had too many Brussel sprouts!  :laughing:

(https://www.visionvideo.com/vf_images/C54259D.jpg)
The Christmas choir (2008)

Why oh why is it that homeless people are depicted in so many Christmas movies as jolly, cheerful, with a can-do spirit and a determination to enjoy the holiday season despite the fact that have not got two pennies to rub together, nor a roof over their heads? Any homeless people I've ever met have been grouchy, sullen, sad and desperate, as you would expect! These people have NO HOMES! That's why they're called HOMELESS! But Christmas Hollywood movies will forever paint them in an uplifting, optimistic way that has nothing to do with reality. Eh, IMDB?

Nineteen days before Christmas, accountant Peter Brockman is dumped by his fiancée, Jill, because of his workaholic ways and being emotionally detached from life. Proverbially drowning his sorrows (with soda) at a lounge, Peter meets the lounge's "volunteer" blues pianist/singer Bob, who works solely for tips. The two discuss their love of music and Peter's long since forgotten dreams of becoming a musician when he was younger. When Bob invites Peter to his home for dinner with his family followed by a jam session, Peter has no idea that Bob's home is a shelter and that his family is comprised of the other homeless men. After speaking to Sister Agatha, the tough, straight-talking nun at the shelter, Peter, reevaluating his life, decides the best way he can help is to form a choir at the shelter, the choir's performances which would help give a little extra pocket money to its members so that they can have a merrier Christmas. The choir faces many obstacles, including the dichotomy between Peter and its members, unrealized expectations and Sister Agatha's skepticism. But the biggest obstacles may be the baggage each person brings to the group, the person with the largest baggage being perhaps Peter himself, who has long been estranged from his alcoholic father. Through it all, Marilyn, a new friend of Peter's, is by his side hoping that she can provide a little assistance and guidance to Peter realizing his dreams.

Okay then, a few things (that's a long summary, for one!) - firstly, why nineteen days before Christmas? What is the significance of this movie opening on December 6? Also, why does Peter feel the best way to help these people is to make a choir out of them? Why not just give them money so they can get proper shelter, or at least buy booze so that Christmas will pass in a blur of alcohol for them, like other homeless people? And what is it with the word "workaholic"? It's alcoholic, as in, alcohol the word then ic on the end. So it should be workalic. God damn it. And who is this Marilyn, this new friend of Peter's who wants to help him realise his dreams? The guy's an accountant, for god's sake! Surely he can fiddle the books and make extra cash if he wants to help his friends? Yeah, much better movie: Peter ends up in jail and all the homeless people he thought were his friends testify against him for fifty dollars and a hot meal.

Whaddya mean, where's my Christmas spirit?

(https://m.media-amazon.com/images/M/MV5BYWU3Y2M0N2UtZWIyMy00MDY3LTk2OGMtZThmZDhjZDJhMzdiXkEyXkFqcGc@._V1_.jpg)
Christmas Wedding Date (2012)

I don't know: maybe it's just that as more and more Christmas movies get made they get worse as they run out of ideas or just rehash old ones, but can you point to a decent Christmas movie made in the last ten years? I sure as hell can't. This is one of those stupid hybrids of Christmas movie and rom-com, no doubt coming with the chilling message "A heartwarming film for all the family". Oh, pass me the sick bag while IMDB fills you in...

Ten years after leaving her small town for big-city success, a woman returns for a friend's Christmas Eve wedding. All the old high-school rivalries and relationships return, and she is grateful she is staying only for one night. However, she finds herself caught in a "Groundhog Day" style time vortex, in which only she is aware that the events are incessantly repeating. At first bored and frustrated, she soon approaches each repeat day with enthusiasm, aware of the possibilities for growth through new experiences and aware as well of her remaining attachment for her high-school boyfriend. She uses the time to grow again close to her estranged mother, whom she has almost ignored for the years she has been chasing her big-city career. She also learns to relax and try to accept the possibilities in her life and the possible romance it offers her.

Yeah. I'm glad they said it, because this is basically "Groundhog Day" sans Bill Murray and with a wedding thrown in. Quite what it has to do with Christmas, other than being set on Christmas Eve, is anybody's guess. Quite why anyone would want to watch it is another. Also, quite why anyone in their right mind would attempt such an incredibly stupid idea as getting married on Christmas Eve totally eludes me. Wouldn't all the churches be booked for mass or something? Stars nobody I know but does have George Wendt (NORM!) in it, as well as a guy called Jon Mack. Hey. I'm a big fan of your rigs, guy!

A Perfect Christmas (2012)

See what I mean about Christmas movies made this century? Not even on IMDB, nor can I find a picture for it that isn't starring Barbie (!), but it's apparently a film in which "An advertising executive (great start: it's usually an accountant, lawyer or ad man in these movies) meets a mannequin that has come to life (of course it has) and finds it has become her perfect man". Oh well, little twist then: the ad man is an ad woman. And isn't this just that movie I saw in the eighties called, oh what was it? Tip of my tongue... Oh yeah. Mannequin. Okay that was a female mannequin but other than that slight change in the plot this sounds like a ripoff of the movie that gave Starship a big hit and made a star of Kim Cattral. And again I ask, what has this to do with Christmas? Your guess is as good as mine.

However, in fairness, the 21st century is not entirely to blame. They did it terribly in the 20th too, as the following will adequately prove.
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/d/d0/Jack_frostmp98.jpg)

Jack Frost (1998)

No, not David Jason's well-loved detective in a Christmas special. This is the charming tale of a deadbeat father who decides that after he's dead is a good time to make amends to his son, and what better way to do that than to come back as a scary, supernatural and living snowman? Talk about the perfect Christmas present! Not. Take it away, IMDB! Yes, I know I said that already but it's getting harder to write these links, so sue me!

A father, who can't keep his promises, dies in a car accident. One year later, he returns as a snowman, who has the final chance to put things right with his son before he is gone forever.

Fairly makes you fill up, doesn't it?  ::)  Mind you, what exactly this waster of a dad thought was going to happen when the snow melted away is anyone's guess. Slip down the local for a bevy or ten, methinks! Oh yeah, it stars some big names too. Michael Keaton, once of Batman and Beetlejuice fame. Mark Addy, who is currently* annoying us as the hapless Hercules in Atlantis, and Kelly Preston. Also some names from the music world: Henry Rollins, the two Zappa kids and Trevor Rabin of Yes. Hell, even the late Stevie Ray Vaughan gets a credit, though they apparently use "archive footage". First I've ever heard of that, and I don't like it. Rather in the same way that I don't like this movie.

* At the time of writing, duh.

(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/4/41/AllIWantforChristmas1991.jpg)
All I Want For Christmas (1991)

Sassy kids and Christmas just go together, don't they? God save us! Is this the seasonal version of The Parent Trap mixed in with liberal doses of Home Alone (doesn't matter whether it's the original or any of the three sequels, they're each as bad as the other) or what? Tell me more, IMDB!

"All I Want For Christmas" is a comedy about two New York City children who launch a hilarious scheme to get what they most want this holiday season. Ethan, a practical older brother, and adorable Hallie, who knows how to charm her way out of a difficult situation, are intent on spending Christmas with their parents, Catherine and Micheal, and grandmother Lillian. As Ethan and Hallie embark on their adventure, almost nothing goes exactly as they planned. Complicating things is a smarmy businessman named Toney Boer, who has taken an interest in Catherine. Ethan, meanwhile, is preoccupied with not only his parents' romantic dilemma, but also his own - one brought about by his new friendship with Stephanie, his first teenage crush. What evolves is an elaborate scheme involving mice, telephone calls and an ice-cream truck, as Ethan and Hallie try to achieve their goal with the help of Stephanie. The duo's primary obstacle is their mother's fiance, Tony. The children finally succeed with a little Christmas magic from Santa Claus.

And there you have it. You have been warned. There is another movie of the same name released in 2007, though I can't say if it's a remake, and would you believe a third one due this year? This one is so new that IMDB don't even have a basic summary of it up yet, so for all I know it could be a rewrite of this.

Who's in the original, I hear you ask? No, I definitely heard you ask. You did. Well, someone did and it wasn't me, unless you think I can throw my voice. What? What picture of me and a ventriloquist's dummy? Where on the internet, exactly? Well anyway, the question has been asked - not important by who - and must be answered. So: Scott Wolf is in it. You remember him from that Tenth Kingdom thing, don'tcha? Oh, and of course the obligatory Leslie Nielsen, a man who's made a career in comedy out of not being funny. The original Straight Man. Also Lauren Bacall, amazingly. Thought she was dead? Bet she wishes she was after appearing in this! And that's about it, luckily.

Another day, another cartoon. Well, you know, not another day, but as I have to squeeze this all in to six, we have to work with what we got. And so we return to
(https://i.postimg.cc/QtRVBBPj/cartoonxmas1.jpg)
(https://donnasplace.com.ng/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/5AB022BD-AE91-4313-AF63-CC5DEFD47DC7.png)

Episode title: Miracle on Evergreen Terrace
Series: The Simpsons
Season: Nine
Written by: Ron Hauge
First transmitted: December 21 1997

Marge is determined that the family will celebrate Christmas properly this year, and so she lays down an edict that nobody is to open any Christmas presents until 7:00 AM on Christmas morning. To ensure this instruction is adhered to, she takes possession of all alarm clocks, but Bart has an idea. He drinks twelve glasses of water, so that his insistent bladder will wake him up nice and early. It works, but while he's playing with a fire truck he accidentally sets the Christmas tree on fire, and it melts, taking all the presents with it. Desperate to hide the evidence before anyone gets up, Bart drags the melted mass out into the garden and covers it with snow, then pretends their house has been robbed. When they're all despondent Bart tries to divert attention from the loss of presents by suggesting they remember the true meaning of Christmas, that it's not all about gifts. Lisa and Marge agree - though Homer is still miserable - and they decide to walk over to the nursing home and cheer up the old folks.

This does not go to plan, however: the drug man has been and the old folks, including Grampa, are all high as kites and therefore very cheerful. While Homer ends up at Moe's, drowning his sorrows, he sees a report by Kent Brockman on the TV, which features his family, and when he gets home he finds that all of Springfield have come together to help his family. Mr. Burns is looking for change for a button, but it's the thought that counts. Wait a minute: no it isn't. Anyway, Bart is particularly distressed when two orphans give him the dollar they had been saving, and eventually he can't stand the pressure of the guilt any more and comes clean to the family. Just as he does, Brockman arrives to do a follow-up story. While the family tries to keep their secret, Santa's Little Helper digs up the buried tree and presents, and the whole deal collapses. Now everyone knows. The Simpsons are pariahs.

Marge has the rather ill-advised idea to win the money to pay everyone back by taking part in Jeopardy but of course loses. On the way back home, they see the crowd again at their house, but nobody seems angry at them any more. Thinking this a Christmas miracle, Marge is soon disabused of this notion when it becomes clear that their friends are taking the Simpsons' property in payment of the debt, like bailiffs. It will be a rather frugal Christmas for America's favourite family - not even a TV or a couch to watch it on!

Notes

In essence this isn't a terrible episode, but given we're into the ninth season now it's kind of weak really. It ends poorly, and if you ascribe real-world logic to it (as you can often do, unlike the other two shows) what legal right have the neighbours to take property in payment of what were, after all, unsolicited donations, even if they were obtained under false pretences? I don't think any court in the land would support that! And while we're at it, how is Moe's open on Christmas Day, and how come Kent Brockman is working? When Bart crashes his truck into the power socket and it goes on fire, he just remote control drives it into the tree, which starts the fire. It actually stops and he starts it up again. Why doesn't he just go and pick it up? The truck would be destroyed, yes, but the fire would be unlikely to spread.

I don't know him personally, but I guess for Americans it's nice to see Jeopardy host Alex Trebek guest, as he died only recently and was apparently one of the USA's most loved gameshow hosts. Guess it was like when Bruce Forsyth passed on here some time ago; national day of mourning almost. But back to the niggles. When the fire starts, and consumes the tree, how come it doesn't spread to the rest of the house? Yes, it was the fire engine raising its ladder while on fire (why did Bart do that? Surely that wasn't automatic?) that set the tree ablaze, but why did nothing else catch fire? And how could he pick up a surely superheated charred mess in his bare hands and get it outside without getting third degree burns? At least when Brian burned down the house in Family Guy the fur on his paws was all burned off. When they bought their new car and it crashed and sank as the ice broke, why did it explode? How did it explode, underwater? Is that possible?

It's as I say I pretty poor ending, not particularly funny, but it does at least bring home the moral that if you make a mistake you should own up to it, rather than try  blame it on someone else, including a shadowy figure who never existed. It's interesting to see all three other family members go for Bart when he admits his guilt - normally it's just Homer. I think Maggie may join in too; can't remember and I'm really not bothered enough to go back and check.

One thing The Simpsons does, that the other two shows seem not to, is add Christmas music to their titles, at least their closing ones, and here the couch gag at the beginning is turned into a snowglobe, so there's a festive theme there. Overall though, a lot poorer than I remember.

After all those really poor movies - we're not done yet, not by a long chalk! - let's take time out to appreciate one that actually doesn't suck. In fact, it so far from sucks that it's featured here as one of
(https://i.postimg.cc/Ls7J4Khh/THXmasclassics.png)

(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2Fthumb%2F9%2F9a%2FThe_nightmare_before_christmas_poster.jpg%2F220px-The_nightmare_before_christmas_poster.jpg&hash=947d40656e6f0e67ee961ecc5fa2e1882bb1358b)

The Nightmare Before Christmas (1992)

One of the greatest animated movies ever. Toy Story? Nah, this is miles better mate. A splicing of comedy and semi-horror as we visit Halloweentown, where Jack Skellington, the Pumpkin King, inadvertently discovers Christmas Town, and is so taken with it that he decides to have Santa captured so that he can take his place and experience the joy of the festive season. But of course he gets it all wrong and it really does become a nightmare, as the folk of Halloween Town have no idea what makes a good gift - "No, no! That's been dead too long! That will never make a present!" - and don't even know what Christmas is, beyond the picture Jack paints for them.

Conceived in the fertile imagination of Tim Burton, it's one of the few of his films I've seen that doesn't star Johnny Depp, with supremo composer Danny Elfman taking the main role instead - God damn it! In addition to being a musical genius the guy can sing! Is there no end to his talents? - and bringing the Pumpkin King alive as both a sympathetic and a tragic figure. Great soundtrack of course, as you'd expect, and peopled with some amazing characters, this is just the movie to put on, pretending it's for the kids when you actually want to watch it yourself. Be warned though: you'll find yourself singing the oh-so-catchy songs well after the end credits have rolled!

(https://i.postimg.cc/HLNwT9wx/xmastv1.jpg)
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2Fthumb%2Fc%2Fc6%2FFather_Ted.jpg%2F250px-Father_Ted.jpg&hash=d9a9461ddfa17a773823844740dbec84a0613f12)
"A Christmassy Ted"

There are probably few people who have not seen at least one episode of the successful series based on an isolated island off the Irish coast and featuring the late Dermot Morgan, the series running for three seasons before the lead actor's untimely death. This is the Christmas episode, often simply referred to as "The Father Ted Christmas special", and though it pushes the endurance just a tad at over twice the normal length of an episode, clocking in just short of the hour, it packs an awful lot into the story.

There's a major crisis averted when Ted, Dougal and six other priests all find themselves in the rather unlikely position of having wandered into a department store's lingerie department - "Ireland largest lan-jer-ay selection, I understand", as one of the other priests informs Ted. Rather uncharacteristically taking charge, and fearing yet another scandal in the Catholic church, Ted leads the priests out of the department and nobody is the wiser. Or so he thinks.

His quick thinking and assertive actions have not gone unnoticed by the higher-ups, and he is to be awarded a Golden Cleric, one of the top awards the priesthood can bestow on one of their own. Reverting rather more to form though, as he prepares to accept his award on television, Ted is more interested in drawing up a damning list of all those who have wronged him over the years and gets so caught up in his petty act of revenge that he rather spoils the moment.

There's more of course, and it does give the impression over time of being overstretched and padded out, with a fairly weak ending, but it's still definitely worth watching. Notable scenes: wounded in the line of duty. "Ah Ted! It's me own fault! I was fiddlin' with one of these bras and it went off and hit me in the eye!" The priest with the most boring voice and Ted running down his list - "And now, we come to liars." Classic.

(https://i.ytimg.com/vi/dZ904mgZy9w/sddefault.jpg)
Come in, come in! Take a seat at the table. You're just in time! I've cooked up a fresh batch of
(https://i.postimg.cc/ZKfcjqwX/25worstfilms1.png)

Elves (1989)
OK well I don't know whether, if I was ranking them, which I'm not, this should be at the top or bottom, but either way it's gotta be up there with some of the worst films, not even Christmas films, ever. Just listen to the blurb from IMDB. (I'm fighting the injunction).

A young woman discovers that she is the focus of an evil nazi experiment involving selective breeding and summoned elves, an attempt to create a race of supermen. She and two of her friends are trapped in a department store with an elf, and only Dan Haggerty, as the renegade loose-cannon Santa Claus, can save them.

Oh yeah, this has it all. Santa, elves and Nazis. Written and directed by the same guy, what a surprise, and although featuring a whole cast who could easily come under the category of "nobody you know", it does have some interesting names in it, such as the boy whose surname is Grimm, someone called Winter Monk (really!) and a girl called Heidi who has the dubious distinction of being cast as the "bitchy coed". Oh man, you couldn't make this stuff up!

With themes such as rape, racial superiority and, er, horror, this is just the movie to put you in that warm, glowing Christmas holiday mood.

(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/2/20/Fred_clausposter.jpg)

Fred Claus (2007)

Ah yes, another in a long line of Santa-themed movies, where characters impersonate, disguise themselves as or in some cases actually become Jolly old Saint Nick. This is as you can see somewhat more recent a movie, and because of that you can expect it to be hip and happenin', or whatever the kids say these days. Sick probably. No wait: that was the previous movie! Here's what the oracle at IMDB has to say about it.

Fred Claus, Santa's bitter older brother, is forced to move to the North Pole.

Yeah. Says it all really doesn't it? No doubt ol' Fred, a two-for-one amalgam of Santa and the Grinch it would seem, loses his crusty distrust of Christmas and learns to appreciate the true meaning of the holiday season. Urgh. Just look who's in it.

Vince Vaughn. Well, no surprise there. Our man Vince is always up for a low-brow, play-to-the-gallery movie that doesn't put too much strain on his feeble acting talent and his even less sturdy grasp of comedy. But some of the others are a surprise: Miranda Richardson? Rachel Weisz? Kathy Bates? Kevin Spacey? No, let me just check that again, I obviously got that... no, it's him all right. Man, he must have needed the money! And yet it's 2007 so he had already made it big.

What is it about a Christmas movie that can attract big stars, no matter how crummy the film may be? Season of giving, I suppose. Oh look! Frank Stallone's in it too. Probably the first film he's done since, er, er ... and Stephen Baldwin! And a lot of people whose names end in -ina, -nova or -vitch, presumably all meant to be genuine, um, Greenlanders? Huh?

Oh yeah, and Ludacris, whose name is probably the most fitting for this turkey of a movie, pops in as a, er, rapping DJ elf. Okay I'm done.

(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/2/24/The_Polar_Express_%282004%29_poster.jpg)
The Polar Express (2004)

Two words. Well, four. Four words to chill the heart and snuff out the yuletide fire. Tom Hanks, at Christmas. That's all that needs to be said. But if you're in doubt...

On Christmas Eve, a doubting boy boards a magical train that's headed to the North Pole and Santa Claus's home.

Sounds delightful yes? Now I'm aware that many of you may love this film, think it's touching, engaging, charming. Well you should all be boiled with your own Christmas pudding with a stick of mistletoe in your hearts. Let me just remind you: Tom Hanks. TOM. HANKS! At Christmas! I have nothing further to say.

Oh dear god! Say it isn't so! Steven Tyler! Steven Tyler as a rock elf! What were you thinking man? You can't walk that way! Have some respect, for the love of Ozzy! It's Christmas!

(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/8/86/Black_christmas_ver3.jpg)
Black Christmas (2006)

Let's spit the taste of cloying sentimentality out of our mouths and look at a "dark" Chrimbo movie, shall we? Nothing says Christmas like coeds being murdered by a maniac, after all, and while the title may seem the most cliched and obvious pun on one of the most popular or wished-for aspects of the holidays, it's actually a remake of a far superior film from 1974, but this one jettisons the original's suspense and sense of dread and goes right for the jugular (it says here) with an all-out banal slasher flick mentality that has about as much subtlety as Adam Sandler at a comedy roast. Awful. IMDB says

An escaped maniac returns to his childhood home on Christmas Eve, which is now a sorority house, and begins to murder the sorority sisters one by one.

Of course he does. Why do these guys always murder people - usually girls, and nubile, helpless ones at that - one by one? Why not just go for the big kill, get them all at once? Then said slasher can take the rest of the night off, put his bloodstained feet up and spend some quality time watching classic Christmas movies. Who's for all this stalking, waiting, scaring, baiting, chasing? I'd rather get it all over with and have some "me" time. Better than watching this garbage anyway.

The only one I can see here who I know is Michelle Trachtenberg, who nerds like myself will know as the whiny but sexy Dawn from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Bet she wishes she was still on that show! Didn't it ever dawn on her that she was making a bad career move here? Sorry, had to say it. Ok, I'll move on, no need to get rude.

(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F4.bp.blogspot.com%2F-7Bdh5SVF7AE%2FTvnTlMdbwFI%2FAAAAAAAABOk%2F6ljI2SJY4n4%2Fs1600%2Fsantas_slay_dvd_box.jpg&hash=650352c4a59cb2e58acde4e6f45758c319d6f02e)

Santa's Slay (2006)

Oh the joy of word play! You see what they did there? Santa's sleigh becomes ... yeah I know, not that funny right? Not to mention that, given the subject matter and storyline, they could also have rearranged the name of jolly old Saint Nick to make it Satan's slay, but then, how Christmassy is that? Well, about as Christmassy really as the idea of Santa Claus having originally been a demon. Here, I'll let that guy at IMDB explain it.

Santa Claus is actually a demon who lost a bet with an Angel, so he becomes the giver of toys and happiness. But when the bet is off, he returns to his evil ways.

Okay well, didn't take that much explaining after all. So at least it's a change from the heartwarming, family-friendly Xmas movies we get crammed down our throats every year (incidentally, in this that's exactly apparently what happens to James Caan: Santa rams a chicken bone down his throat. So, there is at least one good thing we can say about the movie!) but this is sort of taking it all the way across the tracks to the wrong side of town, beating it, stabbing it, burning it and then dragging what's left of the corpse back across the tracks and crapping on it for good measure.

Let's see then if any starving Hollywood stars or TV personalities down on their luck got duped into appearing in this pile of .... well I never! Saul Rubinek, who I only know as Donnie from the later seasons of Frasier and from one role he played in Star Trek: the Next Generation - dirty beggar stole Data and displayed him among his collection! That did not turn out well, as you can imagine. But also Rebecca Gayheart, Robert Culp, who will forever be known to me anyway as "that other guy from The Greatest American Hero", Fran "The Nanny" Drescher and of course James Caan, in a spectacularly bad piece of decision-making for him.

Interesting to note too that there are two actors whose parts are credited as "Spoiled Boy #1" and "Spoiled Boy #2" - I can guess what happens to them when our Christmas-hating, redemonised Santa gets hold of them! They had most assuredly better watch out!

Oh dear, oh dear! Let's move on, shall we?

(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fgeekvsgoth.files.wordpress.com%2F2010%2F12%2Feight_crazy_nights.jpg&hash=a86cf5ba5ecb8fa0528425a3a564ee657b749db1)

Eight Crazy Nights (2002)

There are two words that precede this title that tell you all you need to know about what to expect. One is Adam, the other is Sandler's. Yeah. It's an Adam Sandler movie. Now, say what you like about Sandler - and I've said much, none of it complimentary - but I will admit this much: he's not getting any typespace here. IMDB says of the movie

Davey Stone, an alcoholic with a criminal record, is sentenced to community service under the supervision of an elderly referee. Davey is then faced with trying to reform and abandon his bad habits.

Exactly. What else would you expect? And of course, simply due to the presence of the lunkhead of comedy in it, there are other lunkheads who unwisely decided to donate their, ah, talents. People like Rob "The Animal" Schneider. Oh, and that's it thankfully. Tyra Banks also got drafted in somehow, but my main gripe is that not only did Sandler write this piece of trash and hoodwink his buddies into playing parts, or voices, in the movie, he reached out somehow to the music community, and so Alison Krauss and Ann WIlson will forever wonder about that missing few hours in their lives when they met Sandler for a drink and then next thing they remember is waking up with a contract they didn't remember signing, and no choice then but to go through with it. Ah, remember the old adage: when dealing with Adam Sandler, it is always - always! - advisable to murder him before he gets you involved in some godawful film you will regret for the rest of your life!

(https://m.media-amazon.com/images/M/MV5BOGQ2YWYyNjItZDliMy00ZjU2LWIwZWItY2Q5NWM5NmU5MmUxXkEyXkFqcGc@._V1_.jpg)

The Christmas Pageant (2011)

Okay, I admit I know nothing about this movie, but just look at what IMDB has to say about it:

When a temperamental Broadway director is fired from yet another job, she is forced to direct a community Christmas pageant.

Okay? Case closed I think. The only person of note is the star, Meliisa "Bruce Boxleitner" Gilbert, and that's probably how it should stay. I have nothing furhter to add.

(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/9/9f/Bad_Santa_2_poster.jpg)
Bad Santa 2 (2016)

Oh God! Santa save me! Now we run into a set of sequels that never needed to be made. I have by now seen enough clips of the original Bad Santa to know how poor it was, so all I can say about this is that it seems to take the worst of that movie and amplify it, adding nothing but possibly subtracting much. The producers lost their shirt, not even making their money back at the box office, and not even the presence of Kathy Bates can turn this turd around. Rotten Tomatoes' consensus reads Loaded up with the same scatological and misanthropic humor as its predecessor but precious little of its heart or genuine wit, Bad Santa 2 presents a foulmouthed shadow of Christmas past

Rotten Tomatoes ratings

Tomatometer: 24%
Audience Score: 33%

IMDB rating

5.6/10

Metacritic rating:

38

Majorie Baumgarden of The Austin Chronicle noted These jokes may be good for momentary release, but the joke's no longer on the holiday: It's on us.

Kevin Maher of The Times agreed: It takes everything that was fresh and assertive about the original and transforms it into vile, hateful overkill.

Tim Robey of The Telegraph admitted The level of not very funny things this entails, even by the standards of barely-awaited sequels to lowbrow Yuletide comedies, is kind of impressive.

James Bernardinelli of ReelFilm said At its best, Bad Santa 2 feels like an echo of its predecessor. At its worst, it's unfunny, crass, and uncomfortable (not in a good way).

And audiences were similarly unimpressed.

Incredibly crass and vulgar, Bad Santa 2 is even more offensive than the first one.

A massive drop in quality compared to the first Bad Santa movie, and although Kathy Bates was a welcome addition to the series, based on this entry, I don't think we're likely to ever see a Bad Santa 3.

God, let's hope not!

(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/8/86/Jack-Frost-2_poster.jpg)
Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman

It's so depressing, not to mention baffling that this B-movie failure slasher movie masquerading as a Christmas offering got a sequel. I mean, that title sounds like something out of a comic series or something doesn't it? This time it's set in the most natural habitat for a snowman - a tropical island!

Oh, and point to note: there are in fact two movies entitled Jack Frost, as we'll be finding out in more detail soon (stay tuned): one starring Michael Keaton made in 1998 and the prequel to this one, which does not star Michael Keaton, or indeed anyone, made the previous year. I reckon they're as bad as each other, but it's probably not a good idea to get them mixed up, so if you want the one where the father returns from the dead to be with his kid, it's the 1998 release with Keaton. If you prefer the one where the serial killer returns from the dead to serial kill and wreak bloody revenge, it's the 1997 one. Your kids may thank you for not getting the wrong one!

Rotten Tomatoes ratings

Tomatometer: n/a
Audience Score: 29%

IMDB rating

3.7/10



Scott Weinberg of EFilmCritic was the only one who would bother to go on record, noting A few "stupid-funny" kill scenes aside, there's nothing here worth bothering with.

Audiences were more divided.

This movie is so bad its hilarious

When it comes to a film where the snowman is the killer, you can't take it seriously whatsoever. This sequel is just as satisfying as the original with even more tongue in cheek moments to be had on screen.

The plot is easily forgettable and filled with annoying characters that you'll love to see get killed by the mutant snowman. The death scenes here aren't as funny as in the original, the most hilarious death in this sequel was.... nothing. The original gave us a snowman raping a human and than smoking a cigar, if that's not good comedy I don't what is. Another problem with the sequel is Jack Frost kids, yes, a killer mutant male snowman can produce kids. And by gosh are they as annoying as Jar Jar Binks and even sound like him too. Cooney succeeds in fine style, principally by following the established blueprint in an entirely new location. In this case; a tropical island. Natural stalking ground for a snowman.
 
Early sequences, in which Jack is represented by a puddle of water and a carrot on a piece of thread, might suggest to the casual viewer that the budget for this follow-up will not stretch to the dazzling visual spectacles presented by the original. Don't be fooled.. Cooney knows just what he's doing, and is merely lulling the casual viewer into a false sense of security. He pulls out his trump card in the latter third of the flick. He has bought a home PC animation package, and he knows how to use it. Well, he doesn't *quite* know how to use it. But he'll have a jolly good go. Hence, inept live action effects are seamlessly blended with inept computer generated effects, and we're all set for a staggeringly poor finale.
 
Despite the somewhat misleading title, at no point does Jack kill any mutants. Pity. I'm sure he'd have kicked Wolverine's fuzzy backside.

(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/7/70/Nativity_3.jpg)
Nativity 3: Dude, Where's My Donkey?

Apparently the shitfest that was Nativity 2: Danger in the Manger wasn't enough of a warning that such movies should never be made. Hopefully this will be. How people of the calibre of Jason Watkins, Catherine Tate and Martin Clunes got conned into acting in - sorry, being associated with is bad enough - this steaming pile of donkey shit is beyond me, but I hope to everything that is good and evil that they do not attempt a fourth. It's just... beyond awful. Here, read, read!

Rotten Tomatoes ratings

Tomatometer: 16%
Audience Score: 37%

IMDB rating

3.5/10

There have been many recent films based around memory loss, but few that most adults will want to forget as quickly as Nativity 3. That's Jeffrey McNab in The Independent. No mercy either from The Guardian's Peter Bradshaw:

This is one of those British family comedies that make you want to soil the Union flag with your own faeces in the cinema foyer before setting fire to it.

Come on dude! Say what you really think: don't cloak it in innuendo and hyperbole!

Robbie Collin of The Daily Telegraph had advice for how to forget the movie: As soon as I left the cinema, I went looking for a donkey to kick me in the head.

If only the producers had been kicked instead.

Variety's Guy Lodge agreed. Even fans of the series are likely to deem this dopey "Donkey" a step down, with a surprising streak of unseasonal mean-spiritedness.

While Tara Brady of The Irish Times wondered How do I go about awarding the square root of negative one as a star rating? Is it just "i"? Or is there a special graphic?

Can't help you there, Tara. What about audiences? Were there any? Just one who would comment, but it's a good one: Went in without knowing anything about previous two films or seeing reviews.Came out scarred for life, don't understand how such a truly awful film can get distributed. By a long way the worst "film" i've ever seen.Hiding underneath jacket didn't work, trying to fall asleep didn't work. Like a two hour episode of Gigglebiz without the jokes and budget. I can't say it enough but truly awful, if this is a "British" film then I don't want to be British anymore. No redeeming features whatsoever, no jokes, a few donkey farts and that's about it. I can't stop people from going, but don't say I didn't warn you!

You do though have to wonder, don't you, if it was so bad, why she didn't just get up and leave? Are they chaining patrons to the seats of the local Odeon these days? Trained marksmen posted at the exits? I know they're desperate to mitigate the damage done by Netflix and other streaming sites, but that seems a little extreme. Maybe she is just one of those who says "I paid me money, I'm gonna sit here and get its worth." A trifle along the lines of cutting off the nose to spite one's face, I would think.

(https://i.postimg.cc/QVZBzBkf/scroogeth.png)
Three more Scrooges to criticise and analyse, all quite different from each other...
Year: 1977
Medium: Colour
Starring: Michael Hordern, Jon Le Mesurier
Directed by:
Length: 59 mins

Brief comments: A typical BBC 70s drama; quite bland, cheap and dour. More like a play than anything else. Although it's in colour you could be forgiven for thinking it wasn't, as the colour is so washed-out, but I guess it adds to the overall period flavour of the story. The awful cheapness of the dramatisation shows when, taken to the place he grew up in by the Ghost of Christmas Past, he sees only a drawing. There is no scene where he and the ghost enter the building.

CHARACTERS
Scrooge: Dull, confused and somewhat doddery, Hordern seems to mouth the words without really having any conviction. He does not come across as mean, merely old. 4
Marley: More or less the same. Le Mesurier always evinced a sort of bored resignation in his acting, even when he did comedy, and here he carries the same cloak of ennui around him, resulting in a figure who is neither tragic nor scary, but again just bored. The effects are very poor for the seventies too. 4
Cratchit: Not too annoying, played well. Say 6
Tiny Tim: Almost nonexistent, which is a plus, but still. 2 only.
Others: n/a
The Ghosts: The Ghost of Christmas Past: All right but she seems quite hard, not at all sympathetic. I can only give her a 3
                    The Ghost of Christmas Present: Very grumpy, but at least his version includes Want and Ignorance, so gets a 4
                    The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: The usual. Unfortunately, the guy playing him seems more concerned that his hood might fall down than he is of being scary, or mysterious, so gives the impression of slouching along. Very poor, even for the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come. 3

Faithful to the novel: Very  much, follow it more or less exactly, which is admirable given the relatively short length of the production. 8
Emotion level: Zero
Puke level: Almost Zero, but they had to have Tiny Tim sing, didn't they? -1
Horror level: Zero
Soundtrack: Mostly none, but what there is is typical BBC drama fare, reminiscent of the likes of Sapphire and Steel or Tales of the Unexpected. Say a 4

So, a total then of 37. Any additions? Well, Le Mesurier is in it, as is June Brown, well known to British people as Dot in the popular soap opera Eastenders, so that's another 10. IMDB credits Brian Blessed with the narration, but I'll be damned if I can find any in this production, so I can't include him. That makes a total then of 47.

Year: 1983
Medium: Colour (Animated)
Starring: Um. Mickey Mouse?
Directed by: Burny Mattinson
Length: 26 mins

Brief comments: The first really major animation, Mister Magoo's Christmas Carol notwithstanding, to play the story against an already well-known cast of characters, in this case the Disney stable of Donald Duck, Goofy, Scrooge McDuck and of course Mickey himself. A major animated colossus and one that would set the trend for further adaptations of the tale in years to come, and also open up the story to the true world of animation.

CHARACTERS
Scrooge: Ah, who else could it be but Scrooge McDuck? Sure Disney named him after the character! You gotta love the old miser, and he has some great lines - "Jacob Marley: you robbed from the widows and the poor, sometimes in the same day!" Very odd to hear Scrooge talk in a Scottish accent, but then that's Scrooge McDuck for ya! Gotta give him a good 8 easily.
Marley: Goddammit it's Goofy! And how does a supposed spirit slip on  a cane and fall down the stairs? Gimme strength! A low 2
Cratchit: Much as I hate Mickey Mouse, he does a very passable and not annoying Cratchit, so I'm grudgingly awarding him a good 7 here
Tiny Tim: Only in the story for one scene but quite cute. A good 7 too.
Others: Have to mention my good friend Donald Duck, as Fred. Just for his hilarious voice, and the fact that he's wearing his sailor suit even in this, I'm awarding him a 9
The Ghosts: The Ghost of Christmas Past: Jiminy Fucking Cricket? Oh come on! Have they chosen all my least favourite Disney characters? Still, the idea of Scrooge's conscience being one of the ghosts is clever, so I'll give him a 5
                    The Ghost of Christmas Present: A somewhat retarded giant. Pretty stupid really. 3
                    The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: Just for the end scene, and the fact he smokes AND speaks, which none of the others did, I have to award him a high 7.

Faithful to the novel: Yeah, pretty much so, though due to the running time there are elements omitted. Still, a decent 7 here.
Emotion level: Zero
Puke level: Disney cartoons often have the terrible cutesy-poo factor but this one doesn't make me want to retch, so zero here
Horror level: Are you fucking kidding me? Zero, obviously.
Soundtrack: Standard Disney/cartoon music, but I'll award them extra points for resisting the urge to throw in some songs; there's just one at the opening credits. So overall a 7.

That's a total then of 62. Not bad, but then surely I have to give points for the excellent animation, so 5 for that, and the humour in it is very clever too, even if it is standard Disney, so another 5 for that, give us a
Grand  Total of 72

Year: 1984
Medium: Colour
Starring: George C. Scott, Frank Finlay, Susannah  York, David Warner
Directed by: Clive Donner
Length: 100 mins

Brief comments: After the musical 1970 version, this is the first one to feature so many stars, and so has become one of the best-known. It's also the longest I've watched up to now. The sequences with the Ghost of Christmas Past are complete; they include all the events, which some of the other movies miss out. There are also some interesting touches, such as Scrooge's father still being cold towards him, and Scrooge himself accusing Fred of employing Peter just to spite him.

CHARACTERS
Scrooge: Considering that we're talking about George C. Scott here, it's a very disappointing performance. Scott does not seem very interested in the role, he displays little emotion and seems to more or less phone it in. He doesn't even get caught up in the game at Fred's; whereas other Scrooges begged to be allowed stay (and were not) he goes almost with a shrug of his shoulders. In truth, he only really starts to bother acting at the graveyard scene. After that he's more animated, but given that so much of his acting up to that point is so poor, and a big let-down, I can only in fairness award him a 5.
Marley: Very imposing, quite scary in his way and played extremely well by Frank Finlay. A good 8 for him.
Cratchit: Ah it's David Warner! Need I say more? The man brings a gravitas and dignity to the role that nobody else has to date, and I actually feel for the guy. Got to be a 10, and I never thought I would award that.
Tiny Tim: Hardly in the story really, and doesn't sing, so that in itself gets him a proper 5
Others: Susannah York is very good in the role of Mrs Cratchit; have to give her a 5 for that too.
The Ghosts: The Ghost of Christmas Past: Well played but there's that hardness again. Given that the sequence is full, unlike many others, it must gain an extra point, so I'll give her 6.
                    The Ghost of Christmas Present: Again quite decent, Edward Woodward is good in the part. Want and Ignorance are done well. A score of 7 for him.
                    The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: Spooky and silent, but there's something about him: he seems to speak in a whining feedback electric guitar voice, and you gotta respect that. Basically, he rawks! Got to get a decent 8 for that.

Faithful to the novel: Extremely so, even if there are a few extra bits added. I'd have to give this the highest score yet, a 9
Emotion level: None, until David Warner and Susannah York get together on the death of Tiny Tim, then the tears are pressing behind my eyes and I must award this a good 7 for emotion.
Puke level: Zero. Not even for Cratchit for once, or Tiny Tim.
Horror level: Pretty much zero also.
Soundtrack: Virtually non-existent. Hardly worth a 1, but let's give it that. Actually, now that I've seen the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come with his heavy-metal voice, I have to up that to a much more decent 5.

And so we have a total in the end of 75. Very good score, but then look at all the stars in it. If you add five for Warner, Scott, York and Woodward that's another 20, which brings us to a
Grand Total of 95! I think that's the highest yet.

And so without any doubt or challenge, George C. Scott's 1984 version - almost despite his pretty pedestrian acting as the main character - pushes its way into round two, leaving the others trailing in its wake. And I thought Mickey's Christmas Carol was going to be hard to beat! Competition's hotting up now! Incidentally, if you're planning to watch this, for the love of god don't mix it up with that 1970s classic adult movie, Carol's Christmas Micky! The kids will not understand.

We're getting close now; not too many versions left to do. I still don't know who's going to win. I should point out that, although versions are scoring high here, that does not necessarily mean they're going to be the overall winners, as in round two the best of the best will be pitted against each other, and may find after all that they are lacking in certain aspects.

(https://i.postimg.cc/QtRVBBPj/cartoonxmas1.jpg)
(https://griefpoetry.files.wordpress.com/2017/04/day-6.png?w=820)
Episode title: Christmas Guy
Series: Family Guy
Season: 12
Written by: Greg Meighan
First transmitted: December 15 2013

The Griffins are aghast to find that the annual Quahog Christmas carnival has been cancelled, and even more so when it turns out that it's Lois's father, Carter, who is responsible. Peter goes to see him to find out why, and Carter tells him that it's terrible being rich at Christmas: everyone expects big expensive presents and he gets nothing. Ah, your heart bleeds, wot? So as a result Carter hates Christmas and, being rich and selfish (never a great combination and almost always one going with the other) he has decided to cancel the carnival. Peter vows to help him regain the spirit of Christmas, however despite some really stupid - and quite frankly disgusting and disturbing - ideas he has, success eludes him until he sighs that he had no idea Carter was Jewish. Suddenly, rather than be seen as a Jew, Carter reinstates the carnival. Nice one, Seth, you racist bastard.

So far, so terrible. Step forward, Stewie, for the love of Jesus and save this trainwreck! If only Brian were here instead of this annoying Italian mafia/Tony Soprano style dog they have now! Well, only one way to sort that out: bring Brian back! Only one problem: just before Brian died, Stewie destroyed his time machine, leaving him unable to bring his friend back. He really was dead. But hey, this is cartoons, and if there's one thing I've learned watching and researching them, it's that anything can happen, and often does. Usually though with Seth that's just it: it happens, no explanation. At least here, I tip my hat to the writer for the way in which he enables Stewie to time travel again.

Despondent without Brian, Stewie goes with Vinnie to the toy store, where he sees, against all odds, himself from the past. This Stewie has travelled into the future - our Stewie's present; bear with me - to pre-buy a toy that will quickly sell out. Stewie follows him, aware that in his backpack is the return pad for the time travel machine in past Stewie's bedroom, so that if he can get it, he can (deep breath) return to the time machine in the past, use it to go a little forward in that past's future to save Brian and then return to his own present with Brian still alive. With me so far? Tough. You should have paid more attention during temporal mechanics class. What? You didn't take temporal mechanics? What kind of Starfleet cadet are you? What? Well in that case, sir, these gentlemen from Starfleet Security need to speak to you...

Anyway, the plan works brilliantly and Brian is saved, whereupon the "future" Stewie, his time line now defunct, vanishes, leaving the current Stewie (back in the present - you know what, this is getting tiring and confusing. Thank god it's nearly over) wondering why Brian is making such a fuss of him on Christmas morning. With the timelines restored, Vinnie vanishes, never having been associated with the Griffins in the first place, and all is well in the world again.

Notes

Really, this is less of a Christmas story and more of a perhaps bowing to pressure to bring Brian back (though it may all have been planned, who knows?) and as the former it really doesn't work. They would have been better just making it the Brian-comes-back story and leaving it at that, though mixing this in as a Christmas episode does work on some levels. The "main story", if you will, sucks balls and is nothing more than an opportunity for Seth to spout his often hateful racist and religiously intolerant rhetoric; it's wrapped up about ten minutes into the episode and is, really, throwaway and not at all important to the episode. It's hardly even linked.

But it's great to see Brian back. I had thought - along with millions of others, no doubt - that it was a stupid, almost suicidal move to kill Brian off. Yes, the shock value was there, but just as Star Trek realised you can't kill a major character off just like that and not get furious feedback from the fans (and even Arthur Conan Doyle found his out a hundred years earlier) Seth must have known it couldn't be a permanent exit. Whether people took to Brian's replacement or not I don't know; Vinny was all right but a bit cliched and I didn't see him do much in the handful of episodes he was in. And his efforts o emulate Brian for Stewie, while laudable on one level, are really just painful. The Griffins without a dog would have been just as effective.

As usual, nothing for the rest of the family to do. I'm not sure Meg even spoke - maybe had one or two lines - Chris was as useless as ever and even Lois had little to say or do. At least Peter didn't take over the episode, though he was given time to crap all over it with, as I said above, some very unnecessary and frankly horrible scenes which I did not find at all funny, nor appropriate for a Christmas episode. Yeah, yeah, my knickers are untwisted, but still, there's no need for that kind of thing I feel.

I'd rate this as a total failure if it wasn't for the subplot (which I consider really the main plot, despite the title) which rescues it and makes it watchable, even good. But never a Christmas episode. Without question, Brian and Stewie aside, the worst one I've reviewed here yet.

Well it's your own fault. I told you to take it easy, stay behind me, hold the rail, but no: you had to go rushing down, didn't you? Lost your grip and now you have a twisted ankle. Ah here, just lean on me, you'll be all right. We're nearly there.

Tell you what: you're lucky you didn't run into one of the giant mutant rats! Oh no, I'm not kidding. Do you know how long this place has been in existence? How long they've been down here, breeding away? I swear, I once saw one - that big, it was. That, with a tail! Nah nah, you'll be fine. The light scares them off.

We're nearly there now. Like they say, third time unlucky, eh? Sorry. Just my little bit of dark humour. Okay then, twice we've walked down these cold stone steps and witnessed sights to freeze the heart and numb the soul. Can we make it one more time? I invite you, once more, then, to
(https://i.postimg.cc/Hx0FMRvj/crapxmas1.jpg)

(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/8/8a/Jack_Frost_VideoCover.png)
Title: Jack Frost
Year: 1997
Writer(s): Michael Cooney, Jeremy Paige
Director: Michael Cooney
Genre: Comedy Horror/Slasher
Stars: Christopher Allport, Stephen Mendel, F. William Parker, Scott MacDonald, Shannon Elizabeth, Rob LaBelle

Now here's an interesting thing. There are in fact two movies named Jack Frost, released within a year of each other. One stars Michael Keaton as a dad who comes back as a snowman (weird enough) and then there's the sequel Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Killer Snowman, released in 2000. It seemed odd to me that an actor of Keaton's standing would take part in what appeared to be a cheap slasher comedy, but I thought, maybe he did it for laughs.

Turns out that's not the case.

The sequel is the follow-up to this movie, which is the original slasher comedy horror one and Keaton's is, well, not. I may have been doing it a disservice, and if so, I apologise Mr. Keaton, if somewhere in cyberspace this article comes to your attention. My bad. Though blame the writer of the movie for not checking if the title had already been used before going ahead. Still, my bad.

This, on the other hand, seems pure slasher comedy gold, in all the worst ways possible, so I'm hoping it will finish off our trio of the terrible and leave us all with an uncomfortable ache in our stomach that has nothing to do with the third helping of turkey, and a headache that can't be blamed on the booze.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow...

From the off I'm disturbed at the idea of a little child asking for a story and being told about a serial killer named Jack Frost. I mean, yes, obviously it's acting but you can hear the child get upset as the story turns from what she thought it might be to a very dark and terrible one, and the sadistic delight the adult seems to take making the account as visceral and graphic as possible, while clearly aware the child is becoming terrified, and even asks for the story to stop, but he goes on - this is very troubling. It's not a good start. Yes, it's just a movie. Yes, they're both actors. But do we need this sort of gratuitous, well, you can only call it meanness, can't you? And towards a kid? Bah.

The movie opens (all the above nastiness has taken place over the credits, possibly turning some people off before the thing even starts) with a prison van heading into deep snow at night, in the back serial killer Jack Frost, being conveyed to prison for his execution. Of course it crashes, colliding indeed with another van carrying genetic experimental material. As Jack exults in his reprieve, the hatch on the van blows and he is doused in the genetic material. Next we see a flashback to the sheriff who caught him, after the FBI had failed over several years, and now that sheriff passes, with his family, the point where Frost's accident has just occurred.

When an old man is found dead just outside of Snomonton (I kid you not, again), sitting in his rocking chair outside his house, nobody can figure it out. No sign of injury, no weapon, no suspect. The sheriff, Sam Tiler (seriously? Like, Sam Tyler from Life on Mars? Different spelling sure, and he was a detective, but still...) gets in touch with the FBI to ensure Frost is dead. The murder - his head was forced back with such strength that it snapped - sparks unrest in the village and men arm themselves. Meanwhile Tiler's son is menaced by a group of bullies as he tries to give the finishing touches to a snowman someone - not him - has built in his garden. The bully - Billy (yeah, Billy the bully, ho hum) knocks the head off the snowman, and promptly loses his head - literally. His own snow sled slices it off after he has, um, lost his balance.

Billy's dad is not convinced and thinks the sheriff's son was to blame. Given the disparity in their sizes, this seems unlikely, and the fact that he puts his hands on the sheriff, even considering he's suffering from grief-related anger, and Tiler doesn't react really, is a little hard to believe. Out in his garden that night, Jake Metzner, Billy's father, thinks he hears someone talking to him, but there's nobody there. Except that snowman. Taking an axe and ready to confront, as he sees it, the psycho who killed old man wotsit, he ends up with the axe buried in his head. The snowman (look, let's just cut all the mystery and spoilers out here, huh? It's Jack, obviously) then kills his wife by strangling her with the Christmas tree lights. Nice. Paul Davrow, the general store owner and friend of Sheriff Tiler, comes upon the scene and can't believe it. He runs off.
(https://www.slickstermagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/27231-jack-frost.jpg)
The FBI turn up. Are they the FBI? One of the guys is Stone, a research scientist for the company that made the genetic material Jack was doused in, and he's already been talking about how they now have a live subject, and that it's a "pity" it happens to be a serial killer. They examine the water footprint left at the Metzners' home and Stone is aghast. His doohickey shows him that the water can freeze, unfreeze and freeze again, which explains (kind of) how Jack got into the house, and indeed back out. Like a ghost he's literally leaking in and out through the walls and doors, seeping in under the cracks, and reforming once inside. Not like a ghost then. Well, you know what I mean. Look, just shut up okay?
(https://www.denofgeek.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/jack_frost1.jpg?resize=768%2C432)
Tiler is told to put a curfew in place, and just as he announces this (at the Snowman Festival, no less!) a crazed Paul Davrow arrives and starts smashing all the snowmen outside, having seen Jack with his own eyes. He's taken into custody for his own safety. Deputy Pullman is sent to his house to see what spooked him, but on the way Jack accosts him, takes his car and runs him over. Yeah you read that correctly: a  living snowman can drive a car. What's he using to grip the wheel? And how's he sitting anyway? Questions that will probably never be answered, and it might be best for all if we just back slowly away without making eye contact, and continue on down this strange snowy rabbit hole.

Jill has set off to meet her lover, Tommy Davrow, in the sheriff's empty house, and as they prepare to get down to it, there's a Jack attack! The kid goes first, then the homicidal snowman has some fun with Jill. He then heads back to the station to take on the sheriff, where Stone and Manners are forced to come clean - kind of - about their intentions. When Tiler realises this is Jack Frost come back from the dead (not really; he never quite died, but, you know...) he attacks him with, um, a hairdryer. Well, seems an appropriate weapon to use against something made of snow, yes? It actually seems to be working until he advances too far and the cord comes out. Oops!
(https://resizing.flixster.com/A4BVHKUb3_5mkojNjU_4jZaAU8M=/740x380/v1.bjsyMjIwNjY1O2o7MTg3MDA7MTIwMDsxOTIwOzEwODA)
There emerges another problem: Stone doesn't want to kill Jack. He's the proof he's been looking for that his experimental technology works, and he wants to study the snowman. Hard to do, of course, if you haven't got a head, but  you know how scientists are, don't live in the real world that often. Manners - who turns out not in fact to have been an FBI agent at all (shock horror!) but a paid mercenary working for Stone - knocks him down, and Tiler, Sally and he prepare a bunch of, er, cleaning products with which to take on the crazy snowman. They escape, and then torch the building, Jack exploding in the process.

And that's the end of that.

Of course it is.

Not.

Takes more than a little ol' explosion to put our Jack Frost down!

Reconstituting himself - though slightly knackered, with his head sticking out of his side - Jack hobbles off, telling them he'll be back. As they regroup, they consider forcing him into the boiler room, where the temperatures might be high enough to stop him reforming. (Look, there's some technobabble which explains how Jack became what he is, what Stone's research is all about, but it's so stupidly tongue-in-cheek and up its own arse that I'm not going to dignify it with inclusion here. Watch the movie if you must know. Believe me, it's not integral to the plot). They then attack him with more hairdryers, this time, Tiler having learned from his previous mistake, they use an extension cord, and Jack is forced back
(https://4.bp.blogspot.com/_7FAsUT6FePU/SVOjkP5OlRI/AAAAAAAAAbQ/3MlB4ThZMOU/s280/jack-frost-a.jpg)
Convinced all is done, as Jack is pushed into the boiler and melts, everyone heads off, but once again the terror snowman is not done, and he emerges from the boiler, kills Manners and Stone, and pounds outside. Actually, he doesn't kill Stone so much as possess him (but then he kills him) and through a pretty unlikely chain of circumstances they find out that anti-freeze hurts him, so they drive a big truck full of the stuff up and the sheriff knocks Jack into it, and that's the end of him. They bury what's left, along with a bunch of anti-freeze, and the nightmare is over.

By which I mean, of course, the movie.


QUOTES

Tiler: "Look, old man Harper lived out here, way on the outskirts of town..."
Davrow : "What does that mean? We all live way out on the outskirts of town!"

Tiler: "It'll be like a gold-dang turkey shoot!"
Sally: "Hey it's quicker than a jury!"
(Fine words for a cop, huh?)

Tiler (to Billy's dad): "It couldn't have been a fight! Billy is two feet taller than Ryan!"
(Um, maybe one and a half feet, now...)

Jill Metzner: "Jesus dad! I love him!"
Jake Metzner: "Do not be forsaking the name of the Lord in my house, little girl!"
(Forsaking? Doesn't be mean taking in vain? Nobody forsakes a name, much less that of Jesus. Not in that way anyhow. Also: Jake and Jill? Really? :laughing:)

Deputy Pullman (on coming across the corpse of Mrs. Metzner): "You don't think we should leave her up for the full days of Christmas then?"

Tiler: "I want you to call around and see if you can get in touch with Jill Metzner. Oh, and call the FBI too: some asshole in the field office. Who are you?"
Agent Manners: "I'm the asshole."

Manners: "Have the M.V.s been moved yet?"
Tiler: "Motor... vehicles?"
Manners: "Murder victims."

Tiler: "I'm going to instigate a twenty-four hour curfew for the town. Now I'm not going to arrest you if you're walking down the main street, but it's for your own safety."
(Right. So basically, a curfew you're not going to explain, or enforce - and more, have told the fucking townspeople you're not going to enforce - and you think they're going to just, what, do the right thing?)

Tiler (about Manners): "What the hell's eating him?"
Pullman: "I bet it ain't his girlfriend!"

Tiler (after Jack has been melted): "We iced him!"

Jack (as Manners turns the hair dryer on him, only to realise it's been unplugged): "Blow me!"


Notes

The van transporting Jack Frost is labelled STATE EXECUTIONAL TRANSFER VEHICLE. Executional? Is that even a word??

Got to love an entrepreneur grabbing the moment! When tensions rise in Snomonton, Davrow yells "I'll be open all night if anyone wants to buy ammo! Twenty percent off for emergencies!" He's not short on takers.

It's absolutely hilarious that as Billy's body - head carried separately - is taken to the hearse, the background music playing is the "Tidings of comfort and joy" part of God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen!

Agent Manners warns Tiler that if he doesn't fall in line he'll have him replaced. I've seen enough FBI shows to know that there is absolutely no way a Federal agent has the power to replace a town sheriff.

Again, kudos to whoever arranged the music. As Jill prepares to seduce her boyfriend and they take off their clothes, the tune playing is "The Twelve Days of Christmas". As they get more passionate and heated, the tune speeds up into a jazzy, breathless number, certainly reflecting their excitement. Then, as she prepares to undo the last buttons on her blouse, it slows right down, like stripper music, and when she stops, holding off, not opening the last button, it goes into a warp and stops. Really well done. I haven't seen music - certainly Christmas music - used this well in a movie since, well, almost ever. Guy should have got a reward. Who was responsible? Well, music is by Chris Anderson and Carl Shurtz, but it could be down to the director, or even the editor, one Terry Kelley. But whoever it was: best thing about the movie.

The bottle of champagne fizzing up while Tommy holds it at his crotch is another cleverly sexual idea. Clever too when the ice in the freezer looks as if it has a carrot poking out of it (which it may do) and so looks like Jack is in there. I also like the tiny cardboard snowman popping out of the drawer. All nice little effects that set you up for what's coming.

I love when Manners is talking and Sally is behind him, he holds out his mug as if he expects her to take it like a good little girl. She doesn't, and he's left holding it, looking pretty stupid. Would have been perfect had he let it go and it smashed on the ground.

Good touch when the priest, firing a hairdryer at Jack like the rest of them, makes the sign of the cross with it, totally deadpan serious.

I would say they missed a perhaps obvious chance for a quip as Jack melts in the boiler. He doesn't growl "I'm melting! What a world!" Oh well.

I must credit Scott MacDonald, who voiced Jack. Although he's only seen on screen for a few minutes before he gets transformed, he has the best lines of all while a snowman, and plays the part with gleeful abandon, almost a Nicholson Joker. Bravo. His deep, gravelly voice is perfect too.

Is there anything good about this movie?

You know, it's not half as bad as it ... all right, it is as bad as it sounds, But they get something of a pass because it's played for laughs. Even though lines are delivered with perfect straight-faced sincerity, it's clear those saying them know they're mouthing cliches and having fun. Nobody takes this seriously, which might have been a problem if they had, because how could you? But the fact that behind the mask, as it were, everyone seems to be in on the joke (especially MacDonald, who turns in a star performance surely worthy of some award as the maniacal snowman, firing off one-liners while that frowning snowman face just makes them all the funnier, to say nothing of the cigar in his mouth!) makes it okay.

The story line is ludicrous, the resolution, though inventive, damn ridiculous (who would put anti-freeze in porridge, which is how Tiler finds out how to inflict damage on Jack - couldn't he just have I don't know, thrown a can at him and accidentally hit him? Seems to be stretching it, and I say that in the full knowledge of how crazy this movie is) and the murders are just too funny to be scary.
(https://media1.tenor.com/images/b778f7371442a812a6e4658263b839b8/tenor.gif?itemid=4809821g)
It's maybe a case of the movie being so bad it's good, but that usually implies that it wasn't set up that way, and I think this was. Nobody could have been expected to have taken this on its own merits, so surely they were just looking for ways to point out mad scenarios used in slasher movies and make fun of them? If so, they succeeded quite well. Mind you, the fact that there's a sequel to this gives me the impression they may not have learned the lesson, though its being set on a tropical island - well, maybe the joke continues. Does it wear thin though? I don't know, but here I think just about everything works, and it falls a gnat's wing short of greatness.

Good fun, but I don't think I'll be checking my garden for homicidal snowmen next time it snows!

I mean, how could you take such a concept seri - uh? What's that out there? Surely not! It couldn't be! Oh fuck! I - I gotta go... Happy Christmas all!

What? No, of course it's not a fucking giant living snowman! Don't be stupid.

It's much, much worse.

Oh God! It is, isn't it?

Christmas carollers....

Back to
(https://i.postimg.cc/QtRVBBPj/cartoonxmas1.jpg)
for
(https://desireepeeples.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/7.png)
Episode title: The Best Christmas Story Never Told
Series: American Dad
Season: 3
Written by: Brian Boyle
First transmitted: December 17 2006

Stan is angry that "liberals" are "stealing Christmas". He has a point, to be fair. The Christmas tree in the town square is removed due to an injunction stating that the land it stands on, being public land, is not a fit place for religious icons, and so is removed. Nobody will wish him a Merry Christmas, it's all Happy Holidays (and boy do I hate that!) as if everyone is afraid of offending those who do not celebrate Christmas (cough) Muslims (cough) so he decides to do something about it. Roger is depressed that he has been, he tells the Smiths, sixty years on this planet without anything to show for it. Stan is so angry with not being able to say Merry Christmas that he decides there will be no Christmas, but as he sleeps on the sofa, banished there by Francine, the Ghost of Christmas Past visits him.

Ah, we all know where this is going now, don't we?

No. No we don't.

Breaking away from the Ghost when he is brought to 1970, Stan realises that the one person he can blame the new "liberal Christmas" is Jane Fonda. Look, don't ask: just go with it, ok? So he sets off to the set (sorry) of the movie Klute, which she is filming at this time, determined to kill her. However when he goes to see her and spies on a conversation between her and Donald Sutherland, he hears that it is actually him who encouraged her to get into politics, so now Kiefer's father is his target. The Ghost meanwhile goes back to the present and enlists Francine's aid in tracking her husband down. Roger, working as a busboy in the hotel which Stan has just sneaked into, finds a cassette tape Stan bought him as a cheap Christmas present in the, um, present, a recording of disco's greatest hits. This allows him to debut artists nobody has ever heard of before, as they've not been recorded yet, and raises him to the level of superstar music mogul.

Stan meets Martin Scorsese, and convinces him to give up drugs, then just as he's about to shoot Sutherland the Ghost and Francine stop him. The Ghost warns him that any action he takes here can have drastic consequences in the future, their, ah, present. I guess. Anyway Stan as usual is not listening, but it's too late as he's dragged back to his own time. Unfortunately, everything has changed, and the US is now under Russian control. Checking back through his actions, the Ghost deduces that getting Scorsese off drugs led by an unlikely chain of circumstances which are too silly to relate (but see notes below) to Reagan not getting re-elected in 1984, and Walter Mondale, as president, handing over the USA to the Soviets.

They realise they have to go back to the past to undo what Stan did, but of course it goes wrong. Stan now has to make the movie Taxi Driver in order to get John Hinckley to be so obsessed with Jodie Foster that he shoots Reagan to impress her, but Stan is no movie maker and fires De Niro, casting instead John Wayne (!) and making the movie a shoot-em-up western, all of which fails to draw Hinckley to Foster. Left with no option, Stan must face the inevitable. If anyone can save America, it's him, and if that means shooting his hero, then so be it! Stan Smith must attempt to assassinate Ronald Reagan!

It's now 1981, and to Roger's horror the disco boom is about to go flat. Nobody's buying disco records any more, and his party is over. He's lost all his money, and investing it badly ("What about all the racehorses I bought? I thought you were feeding them!") has wiped him out entirely. Stan does what needs to be done, and everything goes back to how it was. Christmas, and America, has been saved.

Notes

Again, it's hardly original, mixing elements of A Christmas Carol with Back to the Future, but it's still streets ahead of Family Guy. Technically speaking, like the aforementioned Family Guy, this isn't quite a Christmas story. It would have stood up as a normal episode, but the idea of losing Christmas kind of adds to it. There are clever touches. Roger becoming a disco impresario and the sudden death of disco are well signposted, and the tacit admission (whether true or not I don't know) that Martin Scorsese needed drugs to enable him to make his iconic movie is clever too, though to be honest the chain of circumstances that then lead to the Soviet takeover of America is a little, shall we say, tenuous, at best? Here's how it supposedly runs:

Scorsese needed to do coke in order to make Taxi Driver. When Stan gets him off drugs it kills his creativity and the movie is not made. Without being cast in the movie, Jodie Foster then never impresses John Hinckley to the extent that he shoots Reagan to try to impress her, and Reagan in his turn does not have the added impetus of having survived assassination to enable him to win re-election in 1984. The presidency goes to Mondale, who hands over, for some reason, the USA to the Soviet Union a few months into his term. Um, yeah. None of those things could happen, and even if they did, Foster was in other movies before 1981, any of which Hinckley could have seen her in. Not to mention that Reagan was, at the time of the 1984 re-election, still very popular and would have been even without the assassination, which only served to boost his already high standing, not revive a flagging popularity. Mondale was never in contention.

Of course, you can dissect the idea behind this as much as you want, and none of it is as stupid and just completely impossible as a sitting American president ceding his authority to the Russians (maybe Trump, I don't know; that guy's like a jilted lover and he is crazy, but only a month or so left to go!), though this I guess feeds into Stan's misplaced idea of the Democrats as commies and liberal bleeding hearts without the stomach for a fight. Similarly, Stan's contention that Jane Fonda is somehow to blame for liberalism may have some basis in a grain of truth, but she can hardly be blamed for the more PC America you guys live in now, and killing her would likely have achieved nothing, though in the end he switches his attentions to Donald Sutherland. It's all pretty silly, but it is fun.

We do learn a few things in this episode, and I don't mean that there's DNA in poo, as the Ghost of Christmas Past tells us dejectedly. We learn that though Roger has only been with the Smiths for four years, he has been on Earth for sixty, having been in the UFO that crashed in Roswell. We learn that Stan hates the liberalisation of Christmas, particularly people wishing him "Happy Holidays" and that he thinks Jesus was born in a mangler. He also believes there is nothing as American as a Christmas tree, though when he thinks about it, with Steve's help, an American flag with little Christmas trees for stars might be even better. Finally, we learn that Roger's story about being a flash music mogul in the seventies is actually true, though this is only possible because of Stan buying him a tape in the present and then going into the past and dropping it, so if he hadn't bought it in the present how could he... let's not go there, okay? This is confusing enough.

I don't get the idea of the Christmas (sorry, Holiday) Rapist. He's mentioned at the beginning and you think he's going to play some part in the story, but he doesn't. All he ends up being is another peg to hang a not particularly funny joke on, and refer back to when the Ghost of Christmas Past appears to Stan. Bit of a wasted opportunity: they could have I don't know, met him in 1974 maybe, done something that turned him into the Christmas sorry Holiday Rapist, but they swerved that one. Almost as if the writer had forgotten about him.

(https://media.tenor.com/OKeblzROz_YAAAAM/muppets-the-muppet-show.gif)
(https://media3.giphy.com/media/LkfMLYbVEWhO2X4EzH/giphy.gif?cid=6c09b9526qo3kva68049krxh96fv3xx43atsl18q5ggp4zqn&ep=v1_gifs_search&rid=giphy.gif&ct=g)
Surprising even myself, I find that all my hard work over the last two days has meant we have run out of bad Christmas movies!
(https://y.yarn.co/006f6423-0d37-41a7-bded-d5d6b68cbc32_text.gif)
Well of course we haven't, not really. There will always be bad Christmas movies, just as there will always be those idiots who insist on pressing the button rapidly and repeatedly on a traffic crossing, or people who walk along with their nose buried in their mobile phone and then complain when someone walks into them. But I've used up the supply I had already written, and while yes, I could write more, I really don't want to start doing that.

But how to keep your attention? Well, it's changing the rules somewhat, but then, it is my thread, so why not? Check this out, written way back in 2013. Or, to put it another way...
Stick THIS in your stocking!!!!
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F24.media.tumblr.com%2Ftumblr_lwll2d4f5z1qkld3fo1_500.gif&hash=af152a168308c56ae3d95147d7497e8d93f7e645)
He's makin' a list, checkin' it twice... ooh yeah, we're into the final runup to that favourite of department stores and advertising executives, for some the most important birthday of the year, for others a chance to get the family together and have a big fight. The month credit cards dread, and which trees live in fear of. That time of the year when you look despairingly at your budget and wonder if the kids would still believe in having an "imagination Christmas"?

Santa Claus is gearing up his sleigh, Rudolph is desperately trying to clean up his act again this year, and everyone from Argos to Boots, from Walmart to PC World have ideas for "the perfect Christmas gift", but you know you're going to end up with either a voucher or some badly-needed socks and underwear, or maybe aftershave, the latter of which is even worse to receive if you're a guy! ;) But here at SCD we all know what we're going to hope to get for Xmas, and whether it's hardcore punk, freestyle jazz, depressive suicidal black metal or progressive rock, we're all pointing to our favourite albums online and hoping our parents/friends/significant other/anyone who has money is watching, and taking note.

But this is a selection of albums nobody in their right mind is going to want to see in their stocking come Christmas morning!
(https://i.postimg.cc/52vY8mJD/25worst2a.pngpng)
I'm not talking about Santa's Greatest Hits, or Now That's What I Call Christmas, or any of the other many, many compilations or collections of dubious Christmas songs that get churned out every year. They're bad enough, but hey, we all want to hear Christmas songs at the party, don't we? And there have been some decent ones down the years, from the perennial favourites like Slade's "Merry Xmas Everybody", Lennon's "Merry Xmas (War is over)" and Wham's "Last Christmas" to the downright awful, with songs like Mud's "It'll Be Lonely This Christmas", Brenda Lee's "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" and, er, Wham's "Last Christmas", to say nothing of timeless gems like Bing's "White Christmas" and Mathis's "When a Child is Born". No, these songs all have their deserved place in the season, and Christmas without them would be like Christmas without Santa or the cold silence following the argument at the dinner table, or pretending to like that horrible pressie your aunt just gave you. Again. For the fourth Christmas in a row.

No, I'm talking here about artists who make one-off Christmas albums; people who have no business doing so, some who in fact have no business making albums at all, and are only cashing in on the Christmas market in order to sell some units and beef up their already healthy bank balance. Albums with titles like A [insert artist name here] Christmas or Christmas with [insert artist name here]; albums that you know are either going to be filled with the artist's interpretation of carols and Christmas songs, or which, even worse, are going to contain original Christmas songs, written by them (or for them) "especially for this festive season". Ugh!

So anyway, these are not in order, as I would never have the time nor the stamina to listen to them enough to be able to rate them, but they are without question some of the worst Christmas albums ever recorded. They will in no way be the usual in-depth reviews I write - you'll hear no mention of "a rippling keyboard melody backed up by growling guitar" - and will in fact be very short, whimsical and satirical reviews, mostly focussing on the possible reasons why someone would record such a thing, apart from the obvious.

Unlike the Christmas movies, these ones I did listen to (god help me) and so can review in some confidence. The things I do for you people! So no matter how awful that Christmas gift is, be thankful no-one thought to get you any of these turkeys!

Disclaimer: Oh come on! I shouldn't have to write this, should I? Oh very well then, my lawyers insist... This section is meant to be for fun only, so any jokes made here at the expense of any artist should not be taken as overly critical of them. No insult or disrespect is intended, and please try to take everything said here with a pinch of reality (or cop-on, as we say here in Ireland) and in the spirit of Christmas.

And so.. on, Dasher! On, Prancer! On... er, the other ones! We've got 25 terrible albums to feature, and Christmas Day is fast approaching!

Now, few things in life are as scarily wholesome as the Waltons! The image George H.W. (no, I don't think it stands for "huge wank---") Bush wanted America to emulate, they were for decades the most sickeningly sweet family on TV. I much preferred the Ingalls. But this is their album, and you're going to be subject to the full force of their "Mom and Apple Pie Music" (TM) brand of Americana on it.

(https://www.allaboutthewaltons.com/merchandising/images/xmas-again.jpg)
A Waltons Christmas: Together Again - The Waltons (cast) - 1999


To get us "in the mood" (for slitting our wrists, perhaps?) we have the famous (or infamous, depending on how you remember it) theme from the show, followed by a spoken narrative about how great life was on Walton Mountain, where time always seemed to stand still and no-one hated anyone, on into some bluegrass on "Christmas Time's a-Comin'" - yeah, we know, guys. There are no less than four "intros", which are basically a minute or less of spoken material, and much of the rest is what you'd expect from the Waltons: hillbilly, thigh-slappin', toe-tappin', I'm-in-Hell country downhome uptempo tunes, with some Christmas favourites thrown in. But hold on, cos even those Xmas standards like "Sleigh Ride", "All I Want for Christmas" and "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" are all dang-fired countryfied, y'all! Yeah, everything comes with a double-thick helping of country and bluegrass, making me almost wish I was listening to Now That's What I Call Christmas - yeah, that bad! I mean, I like my bluegrass, but it's the Waltons! They could be performing ten-minute wibbly prog rock keyboard solos and I'd still hate it. Let me repeat, in case you didn't get it the first time: it's. The. Waltons! Christ, we even get "John Boy" reading a poem! Shoot me now!

Ah, if you loved the Waltons, you'll love this. Probably. If, like me, their unpalatable, unreal over-niceness stuck in your throat, you're gonna think you've got a turkey bone lodged there if you are unlucky enough to have to listen to this. Me, I'm for headin' up that thar mountain trail with a loaded double-barreled and a few mean dogs: who's with me?

TRACKLISTING


1. Waltons theme
2. Earl Hamner's narrative
3. Christmas time's a-comin'
4. Intro to mama's applesauce cake
5. Mama's applesauce cake
6. Sleigh ride
7. Follow that star
8. That's what Christmas means to me
9. Intro to Have yourself a merry little Christmas
10. Have yourself a merry little Christmas
11. Intro to Snowmanland
12. Snowmanland
13. Twas the night before Christmas
14. Little drummer boy
15. Home for the holidays
16. Santa's big parade
17. Intro to All I want for Christmas
18. All I want for Christmas
19. Good night

PS Luckily for you good folks I was unable to track down any videos from this album, but as for the other albums, where I can, I'll feature one video. You have been sufficiently warned; click on future YouTubes at your own risk... :laughing:

(https://i.postimg.cc/HLNwT9wx/xmastv1.jpg)
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2Fc%2Fc5%2FBlackadder%2527s_Christmas_Carol.jpg&hash=2bae380b2b1d13900bbdec5008a99e54ec72c10e)


Blackadder's Christmas Carol

To kind of tie in with my Scrooge Showdown, now in progress, but not included as it is a TV special and very different to any of the movies, here's the hilarious interpretation Ben Elton and Richard Curtis put on the classic tale. Sorry but I can't find it on YouTube... :(

For those of you who don't know, Edmund Blackadder is a character portrayed by British comedian Rowan Atkinson down through the ages, beginning in 14th century England, then moving on to Elizabethan times and then the eighteenth century before ending up in World War One. All through the series Blackadder is shown to be a devious fellow whose plans sometimes, but not always, come off the way he intends them to, but always with hilarious consequences. Through all four series and down through time he has always had a servant called Baldrick, though in "Blackadder goes forth", the final series set in wartorn France, he is an aide-de-camp to Blackadder, who is a captain in the army.

Turning the concept of the story entirely on its head, Ebeneezer Blackadder (what? You thought he'd be called Scrooge?) is known throughout London as the kindest, most generous man in the city, perhaps in the country. To the poor he opens his doors, to the destitute he renders any assistance he can. He sees the good in all men, and because of his trusting, almost naively innocent nature, is a target for every user, scoundrel and conman that crosses his path. He is taken advantage of by family and friends, all of whom see him as a soft touch. His only real friend, Mister Baldrick, loves him for who he is but is equally unable to make his master see the way others use him for their own needs.

Meanwhile, at the palace, Queen Victoria is about to set forth with her husband Albert on their traditional "Christmas adventure", when they disguise themselves as ordinary folk and seek out people to reward for their kindness to their fellow man. When they reach Blackadder's house they manage to get his turkey, the last thing he has left after having been robbed of all his money (by Mrs Scratchett and an urchin), his presents (by his god-daughter Millicent) his tree (same) and his nuts (by the Beadle). Dejected, and with nothing, he heads to bed, but Baldrick tells him that while he was out a strange ghostly being entered, telling him that they would have a visitation that night. Shaking his head, Blackadder retires.

That night, the Ghost of Christmas enters, but seems to be just passing through, as he says Blackadder is such a good man there is no need for him to try to convert him. He does however accept a drink, and gets to talking with Blackadder, telling him about his ancestors, most of whom were mean, nasty people, as we know. We're then treated to special "flashbacks" to previous Blackadder shows, such as Blackadder II, where we see the Queen abolish Christmas, Blackadder petulantly destroy the painting he had been about to give her, only for her to change her mind about Christmas and leave him facing execution. Being Blackadder though, he manages to trick her into signing a death warrant for Lord Melchet instead, and is thus saved from the axe.

Having seen this, Ebeneezer Blackadder is most impressed at his ancestor's guile and cunning, and when the Spirit shows him another of his forebears, Blackadder III, who lived around the 1790s, he is further enchanted. This particular ancestor tries to trick his master, the Prince Regent, who has about as many braincells as a fish has bicycle clips, into handing over all his Christmas presents to Baldrick, dressed as an old woman with a tale of woe. Unfortunately, he becomes a victim of his own plan when Baldrick lets in an actual poor old woman who happens by, collecting for charity, and it is to her that all the Prince's presents go.

Again, his descendant marvels at the ingenuity of the long-dead relative, and asks to be shown his own future, should he change his ways and become like his forebears. In this possible future he sees himself as the commander of a galactic fleet, marrying the queen of the universe. Then he checks to see what would happen if he remains as he is, and is less than pleased with the results, as he is now subservient to Baldrick! After seeing this he decides to change who he is. The next morning he sets about being as mean and nasty as he can be, getting his own back on those who have taken advantage of him over the years. And because everyone expects him to still be the kind, snivelling old soft touch he was, his plan works brilliantly. Enemy after enemy is despatched, from the grasping Mrs Scratchett and her not-so-crippled son to his own god-daughter, who is sent running with a flea in her ear. Even his oldest friend, Mister Baldrick, is not safe from his new persona,  as he reverts to the type of man he has seen his ancestors were.

Unfortunately, the Queen chooses that day, Christmas Day to revisit Ebeneezer to reward his philantrophy, kindness and general niceness, but he is now a miserable skinflint, caustic and horrible to everyone, and failing to recognise Victoria and Albert he insults them and throws them out of the house. And there, in one day, go his hopes of ever being Baron Blackadder, the nicest man in England.

QUOTES
Blackadder (off camera): "Humbug! Humbug!" (Coming in the door with bag of sweets) "Humbug, Mister Baldrick?"

Blackadder (looking at Baldrick's Christmas card: "Christmas has an "h" in it, Mister Balrdick. And an "r". Also an "i", an "s", also a "t", an "m" and "a", and another "s". Oh, and you've missed out the "C" at the beginning. Congratulations, Mister Baldrick: something of a triumph I think: you must be the first person who's ever spelled "Christmas" without getting any of the letters right at all!"

Mrs Scratchett: "No goose for Tiny Tom this year!"
Blackadder: "Mrs Scratchett, Tiny Tom is fifteen stone and built like a brick privy! If he eats any more heartily he will turn into a pie shop!"

Blackadder: "What a jolly fellow!"
Baldrick: "Looked like a fat git to me."
Blackadder: "Well, yes, but you mustn't judge people from outside appearances, Mr. Baldrick. Strip away the outer layers from a fat git and inside you'll probably find..."
Baldrick: "A thin git."

Blackadder: "I detect from your accent, sir, that you are not from around here."
Prince Albert: "Er, nein! I am from ... Glas-gow."

Baldrick: "Night night. Oh, I forgot to mention: while you were out there there was this enormous ghostly creature came in saying Beware, for tonight you shall receive a strange and terrible visitation! Just thought I'd mention it. It come through the wall, it said its piece, and then it sodded off."

Ghost: "Spirit of Christmas, how d'ye do? Just doing my rounds. A wee bit of haunting, making evil old misers change their ways. Course, you're such a good fellow there'll be no need for any of that nonsense! So I'll just say cheery-bye and be on my way."
Blackadder: "Can I offer you a cup of tea?"
Ghost: "Ye wouldn't have anything a wee bit more ... medicinal?"
Blackadder: "Only Nurse McCreedy's Surgical Brews Lotion."
Ghost: "Hey! Nothing but the best in this house!"

Baldrick: "Have you anything for me?"
Blackadder II: "Oh, it's nothing really..."
Baldrick: "Oh sir!"
Blackadder II: "No, really. It's nothing. I didn't get you anything."

Blackadder II: "Melchet, greetings! I trust that Christmas brings you its traditional  mix of good food and violent stomach cramps."
Melchet: "Compliments of the season to you, Blackadder. May the yuletide log slip from your fire and burn your house down."

Blackadder II: "Hah! Got him with my subtle plan!"
Baldrick: "I can't see any subtle plan."
Blackadder II: "Baldrick, you wouldn't see a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked upon a harpsichord singing Subtle plans are here again!"

Queen: "I want presents! Give me something nice and shiny. And if you don't I have something nice and shiny for you. It's called an axe!"

Blackadder III, explaining the rules of Charades: "If it was the Bible I'd do this (holds up two fingers) to indicate it has two syllables..."
Prince Regent: "Two what?"
Blackadder III: "Two syllables."
Prince: "Two silly bulls? Don't remember any silly bulls in the Bible! I remember a fatted calf, but from what I can recall that was quite a sensible animal."

Blackadder III: "So, shall I begin the Christmas story then?"
Prince: "Absolutely. As long as it's not that terribly depressing one about the chap who gets born on Christmas Day, shoots his mouth off about everything under the sun and comes a cropper with a couple of rum coves on top of a hill in Johnny Arabland!"
Blackadder III: "You mean Jesus?"
Prince: "Yes, keep him out. He always spoils the Xmas atmos!"

Spirit: "It does point to a very clear lesson."
Ebeneezer Blackadder: "Namely?"
Spirit: "Uh, namely ... that the rewards of virtue are largely spiritual, but all the better for it."
Ebeneezer: "Really? You don't think it points to the more obvious lesson that bad guys have more fun?"

Ebeneezer: "Don't be too downhearted, Mr Baldrick, for if you look down in the bottom of the sock, you'll see there's something there from me. And it's something I made myself."
Baldrick: "Well that's the kind of gift that shows the most love! What is it?"
Ebeneezer: "It's ... (withdrawing his hand from the stocking) "a fist! You use it for hitting!" (Demonstrates) "And the wonderful thing about it is, you can use it again (hits Baldrick) and again!"

Ebeneezer: "Love, I should warn you, is like a Christmas cracker. One massively disappointing bang and the novelty soon wears off!"

Mrs Scratchett: "Ah Mr. Ebeneezer. I was wondering if you had a little present for me? Or found me a little fowl for Tiny Tom's Christmas?"
Ebeneezer: "I've always found you foul, Mrs. Scratchett, and more than a little. As for Tiny Tom, he can stuff it up his enormous muscular backside!"
Mrs Scratchett: "But 'e's a cripple!"
Ebeneezer: "He's not a cripple, Mrs Scratchett. Occasionally saying "Phew my leg hurts!"when he remembers to wouldn't fool Baldrick! If I was you I'd scoop him out and use him as a houseboat. Good day!"

Queen Victoria: "We are Queen Victoria!"
Baldrick: "What? All three of you?"

Okay, it can no longer be avoided. And this time, you're getting more than one of
(https://i.postimg.cc/52vY8mJD/25worst2a.pngpng)
Kicking off with a very bad idea: words to chill the heart and send strong men running for cover...
(https://static.fnac-static.com/multimedia/images_produits/ZoomPE/3/4/0/5032044076043/tsp20130828183543/Country-christmas-party.jpg)
Country Christmas Party - Various Artists - 2000 (Planet Song)

Yeah, I know Country music has its detractors, and is well placed to be the butt of many a joke about farmers, hicks and steel pedal guitars, but come on! This has got to set their cause back by fifty years at least! You have the likes of John Denver singing "Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer", accompanied by a very annoying children's choir, Charley Pride crooning about "Christmas in my town", and Gene Autry, "the Singing Cowboy" himself, belting out a cracked version of "Frosty the snowman"! And that's without enduring "The 12 days of Christmas" in the company of the Nashville Session Singers, listening to Liberace (Liberace?) doing "The little drummer boy" STOP IT (wasn't he a pianist? Oh, right: it's an instrumental piano version. Of course!) while Glen Campbell wishes you should "Have yourself a merry little Christmas". Not bloody likely, Glen!
Even the class acts get roped in, with Crystal Gayle, one of the first ladies of Country, contributing a song called "What child is this?" set to the air of "Greensleeves" (must admit, it's quite nice), Lynn Anderson giving her rendition of "Joy to the world" and even the mighty Johnny Cash drawling "Hark the herald angels sing". Oh yeah, and Charley Pride, not content with the one contribution, has to pop up near the end for an encore with "O little town of Bethlehem". O dear, say I!

Now, before anyone asks "Well have you actually listened to this album before damning it?" I check and see my ears are still attached and functioning, and I say no, not all the way. I've sampled some of the albums in this list; listened to a few tracks, as many as I could bear, but in the end they're essentially the same material, perhaps with the odd slant on one or two, but generally they're the Christmas songs, carols and hits we all know and either love or loathe.

Sure, there will be the odd original composition, and in those cases I'll lend them an ear, but otherwise it's just a quick hop-skip-and-a-jump through these albums to get a feel for them.  How then do I feel justified in criticising something I haven't bothered to listen to? To that I say, it's Christmas, it's a bit of fun, and I don't have the time or desire to actually listen to all of the music here. I'm happy just to slag it off. You have a problem with that, here's a linkGoogle Image Result for http://dorrys.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/flip-the-bird1.jpg (http://www.google.ie/imgres?num=10&hl=en&tbo=d&biw=1409&bih=630&tbm=isch&tbnid=VtW6_lvYuGEOkM:&imgrefurl=http://dorrys.com/flip-the-bird/&docid=19CchOlqv_UcyM&imgurl=http://dorrys.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/flip-the-bird1.jpg&w=288&h=454&ei=Age0UPOxCc-1hAfJz4GwBw&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=12&vpy=152&dur=616&hovh=282&hovw=179&tx=46&ty=120&sig=112112434033185579634&sqi=2&page=1&tbnh=139&tbnw=87&start=0&ndsp=24&ved=1t:429,r:0,s:0,i:106) you can use...

(Don't worry, Country fans: I'm sure there's a "Metal's Greatest Christmas Hits" in there somewhere too, and if so it'll be getting just such a pasting. You are not alone!)

TRACKLISTING

1. Hark! The herald angels sing (Johnny Cash)
2. Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer (John Denver)
3. Virgin Mary (Lonnie Donegan)
4. Christmas in my home town (Charley Pride)
5. I heard the bells on Christmas (Eddy Arnold)
6. Holy night (Ronnie Milsap)
7. The twelve days of Christmas (The Nashville Session Singers)
8. Frosty the snowman (Gene Autry)
9. I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus (Bobby Sherman)
10. Christmas lullaby (Melanie)
11. The little drummer boy (Liberace)
12. Have yourself a merry little Christmas (Glen Campbell)
13. Jingle bells (Pat Boone)
14. Pretty paper (Willie Nelson)
15. What child is this (Crystal Gayle)
16. Joy to the world (Lynn Anderson)
17. O little town of Bethlehem (Charley Pride)
18. Sing we Noel (The Kingston Trio)

(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmegaboon.com%2Fimages%2Frelease%2F400%2F286%2F394286.jpg%3F1.0030725342221558&hash=e592c786d97cdb2a274a348fbe68e56dccf2ab15)
Christmas in Gracelands - All American Karaoke - 2010 (Conway International)

I can't think of anywhere I'd like to be less. You know when people say "I'm a huge Elvis fan"? Well, I don't say that. Elvis has never appealed to me, and as for karaoke: well, give me a choice between the two Japanese "art forms", as it were, and I'd be climbing into a Zero every time. I bloody hate the whole phenomenon! Why is it funny when people who can't carry a note in a bucket or follow a melody to save their lives attempt to sing? Isn't that what we have The X Factor for? But put the two together, and I'm tellin' ya, I'm in Hell.

I suppose if you're having a party, as I've heard does happen at this time, then maybe - maybe - you might be interested in this. Or if you're a fanatical Elvis junkie. But come on: the King doesn't even sing here! It's just the music without his voice. What's the point? Well anyway you end up with the standards - "Silent night", "The first Noel", "White Christmas" etc, alongside a much larger percentage of Elvis's own material - "I'll be home for Christmas", "Holly leaves and Christmas trees", and of course "Blue Christmas". But to me it's all soulless, empty pop pap - I think I'd even rather hear Elvis himself than this, and that's saying something!

To be played only when everyone is sufficiently drunk that no-one is going to care what's on the stereo, then put away and forgotten about until next Christmas, or perhaps given away to a charity shop when you sober up and realise what you've done. That is, if any charity shop will take it...

TRACKLISTING

1. Santa Claus is back in town
2. Blue Christmas
3. Here comes Santa Claus
4. Holly leaves and Christmas trees
5. If every day was like Christmas
6. If I get home on Christmas Day
7. I'll be home for Christmas
8. It won't seem like Christmas without you
9. Merry Christmas baby
10. O little town of Bethlehem
11. Come all ye faithful
12. On a snowy Christmas night
13. Santa bring my baby back
14. Silent night
15. Silver bells
16. The first Noel
17. White Christmas

(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fecx.images-amazon.com%2Fimages%2FI%2F51RxfBkbTRL._SL500_AA300_.jpg&hash=9b837d59395aee44f6f1d0156abd25e5b769ac61)
Sounds of the Season - Lionel Ritchie - 2006 (Island)

Well, let's at least credit the ex-Commodore with one thing: his album is short. Well, two things actually, as our Lionel goes for the path of least resistance and just records a bunch of Christmas songs, giving them the old soul treatment, rather than try to reinterpret, rewrite or (God help us!) write some original material for this short album. Picking liberally from the tree of obvious songs he takes the likes of "Little drummer boy", "Come all ye faithful", "Joy to the world" and "Silent night", and adds his own rich baritone to the arrangements, making the songs at least pleasant to listen to, in smooth, soulful way.

Mostly carols, with a few others like "Have yourself a merry little Christmas" and "Winter wonderland" thrown in, and only eight songs in total, you'd have to say the album would be poor value for money were you to go mad and buy it, and not too much of a present were you to receive it, but for review purposes here it does at least get marks for keeping it short and simple, and not tampering too much with an extremely tried-and-tested formula that stretches all the way back to the greats like Como, Crosby and Williams.

TRACKLISTING

1. Little drummer boy
2. Silent night
3. The first Noel
4. Joy to the world
5. The Christmas song
6. Come all ye faithful
7. Have yourself a merry little Christmas
8. Winter wonderland

(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fecx.images-amazon.com%2Fimages%2FI%2F61BS5u8pFHL._SL500_AA300_.jpg&hash=c6b1eb91f4574e96c88fb63045613fd9d71c1dda)
The Disney Channel Christmas Hits - Various Artists - 2007 (Disney)

God save me! Is there any depths ol' Walt won't stoop to? His reach extends beyond the grave, and while I guess you can't really blame him for things such as this, it was him that started Disney back in the twenties, and eventually moved towards world domination of the animated/cartoon movie market, a position they have stubbornly defended against all comers in recent years. This is, apparently, an album made by some of the brightest stars of the Disney Channel, but I'll be damned if I know more than a few of them! Course, I'm not exactly in the demographic the channel is aimed at, but still, you would think some of these names would be familiar...
(Hey, I warned ya!)
Hannah Montana, of course I know, and her alter-ego Miley Cyrus (or should that be the other way around?) sings my most hated of all Christmas songs, the godawful "Rockin' around the Christmas tree", but really she's the only name that means anything to me. Oh wait: I've heard of The  Jonas Brothers, and they here do an incongruously non-festive song (or so it seems to me) called "Girl of my dreams". But the others? Corbin Bleu? The Cheetah Girls? Kyle Massey? Jordan Pruitt? Never 'eard of yer! Even Miley's owl fella, Billy Ray, pops up (disturbingly adult among all these kids, hmm?) to hit us with "Run Rudolph run", and Ashley Tisdale (who?) does her version of Wham's "Last Christmas", but although there's "Greatest time of the year" and "Best time of  year" there's no "The most wonderful time of the year", er, here.

The final nail in the coffin comes in Kyle Massey (who are these people?) who unleashes "Jingle bells (A hip-hop carol") upon us, and I just press STOP. I suppose the kids'll enjoy it, maybe, but all I can say is. 'tweren't like this when I were a lad!

TRACKLISTING

1. Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree (Miley Cyrus as Hannah Montana)       
2. Girl Of My Dreams   (Jonas Brothers)   
3. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas   (The Cheetah Girls)   
4. Last Christmas (Ashley Tisdale)   
5. This Christmastime   (Corbin Bleu)   
6. Home For The Holidays (Album Version)   (Keke Palmer)   
7. Best Time of the Year (Album Version)   (Christy Carlson Romano)   
8. Run Rudolph Run (Album Version)   (Billy Ray Cyrus)
9. Celebrate Love (Album Version)   (Jordan Pruitt)   
10. Let It Snow (Album Version)   (Lucas Grabeel)   
11. Jingle Bells (A Hip-Hop Carol) (Album Version)   (Kyle Massey)   
12. Greatest Time Of Year   (Aly & AJ)   
13. Christmas Vacation (Album Version)   (Monique Coleman)

(https://i.postimg.cc/QtRVBBPj/cartoonxmas1.jpg)
(https://the24daychallengeexperiment.files.wordpress.com/2013/05/day-8.png)
Episode title: Marge Be Not Proud
Series: The Simpsons
Season: 7
Written by: Mike Scully
First transmitted: December 17 1995

Bart really wants the new must-have video game "Bonestorm", but Marge says it's too expensive and promotes violence, so he decides to steal one, shoplifting at the Try-n-Save, but he is caught by the dick ooer store detective, who phones his parents to tell them what has happened, and tells Bart he is banned from the store. Luckily for Bart, his parents are not home and he has time to get back and change the tape before they can get to hear the message the store detective has left for them. When the family go to get their annual Christmas picture taken Bart is horrified when he realises where it's to be taken, and of course the store detective sees him, despite many attempts to hide himself, and the whole sordid story comes out.

Marge is disappointed; Bart is surprised she isn't angry, but he can't see her heart is broken, and she starts to realise that he's not the little boy she thought he was. He's growing up, and that brings with it its own set of problems. In an attempt to address this, she starts pulling back, being less motherly to him. Well, she says this is what she's doing but in reality she's probably subconsciously punishing him by withdrawing her affection and attention from him. In an attempt to redeem himself, Bart goes back to Try'n'Save and gets a photograph of himself for his mother, who had been bemoaning the fact that of all the Christmas pictures they have had taken over the years, none of them have Bart in them smiling or not pulling a face. She is delighted and they reconcile.

Notes

You'd have to say that again this is a fairly poor Christmas episode, which does not make it a poor episode, but Christmas is almost an afterthought to the plot, which concerns a kind of heavy-handed moral on the sin of stealing. It's presented well: I particularly like the woman with the pushy, bratty, nasty kid who demands, when she buys "Bonestorm" for him, "Get two: I'm not sharing with Caitlin!" Bart's wondering belief that this must be the happiest kid in the world is sharply offset when she, seeing Bart being taken back into the store by Brodka, shakes her head and opines that that boy's parents must have gone very wrong, blissfully unaware that a spoiled, arrogant child will grow up to be just as bad, unable to see her own failures as a mother. The declaration "four finger discount" by Jimbo to describe their shoplifting is a reminder that all Simpsons characters have, for some reason, only four fingers.

As Bart is marched up to Brodka's office, the store Santa offers him a candy cane but the detective shakes his head and growls "not for him", and Santa nods, frowning. There's a cameo from the late Phil Hartman as Troy McClure (you may remember him from such information films as "Lead: Delicious but Deadly!" and "Phoney Tornado Warnings Waste Resources") as he stars in a video about the history of shoplifting and then it's funny when Brodka says "capische?" to Bart and then follows this up with "well? Do you understand?" to which Bart replies "Everything but capische." Again this episode, like many Christmas episodes across all three series, suffers - or benefits I guess, depending on your point of view - from concentrating on one character more or less to the exclusion of everyone else. Here of course it's Bart, and while Homer and Marge have things to say, and Lisa gets in a line or two, it's the bad boy who carries the show. Bart can of course do this, and has, effortlessly in the past, but it does place something of a burden on the viewer, I believe, when there's not even a sideplot to concentrate on and give you a break from the adventures of Bart Simpson at Christmas.

Millhouse is, sadly, in the episode but thankfully not for long - Bart sees he has "Bonestorm" and pays his friend a visit, but Millhouse won't share and so he gets thrown out. However on the second attempt it seems Millhouse has lost interest in the game and is now into cup-and-ball (no, smartarse, it isn't: it's a very old form of entertainment you could make yourself, where a small ball on a string hangs from a kind of chalice-like cup, and you try to flip the ball into the cup). It's quite a clever comment on how kids often go for the simplest things to play with, despite all the expensive technology around them: kind of like playing with the box of the Playstation or whatever. The second time Millhouse is very willing to let Bart play with the game, but as with children everywhere and all times, it's whatever the other kid has that they want, and so he tries to take the cup-and-ball from Millhouse. This time though, on the point of being ejected from the Van Houten home, he asks Millhouse's mother if he can hang with her and do "mom stuff". This is fun for a while, but soon creeps Lou-Ann out, and Bart is sent home.

I do however want to know a) how Bart made it all the way to Try'n'Save on his own (they had to drive there originally) and how he also managed to avoid Brodka long enough to get a proper picture taken. Maybe the store detective was on a break. Still, it seems unlikely, although this is possibly a day or so, or more, later, as it doesn't make that clear.

Getting into the last ones now, as we hurtle towards the twenty-first century. But before that, we have three more to close out the twentieth in
(https://i.postimg.cc/QVZBzBkf/scroogeth.png)

Year: 1992
Medium: Colour
Starring: The Muppets! (And Michael Caine)
Directed by: Brian Henson
Length: 100 mins

Brief comments: What's not to like about the Muppets? Kermit as Bob Cratchit, Robin as Tiny Tim, Fozzie Bear as Fezzi - sorry, Fozziwig! The usual mix of jokes and great songs, clever little cameos and a story that follows the novel very closely indeed, the Great Gonzo as Charles Dickens notwithstanding. I think this may take some beating!

CHARACTERS
Scrooge: It's Michael Caine. Need I say more? Yes, I need. To act as he does, even being the total acting colossus he is, with mostly only muppets to spark off, is truly genius. A very high 9 for his portrayal of the old miser.
Marley: Here's where I have a slight problem. The idea of having two Marleys is an interesting one, and allows both Statler and Waldorf to reprise their favoured roles as hecklers, this time from beyond the grave, but I feel it stretches the credulity a little. And it was not necessary. Though he takes a different role, Sam the Eagle would have made a perfect Marley. For what they are, they do what they do though and I really can't award them more than a 5. The song is good though.
Cratchit: Kermie! The frog has to be awarded a 10, only the second time I've done that for this character. How could you not?
Tiny Tim: And as only the second Tiny Tim not to annoy me, Robin his nephew gets another 10. Cute without being nauseatingly so. He sings, but does not make me want to retch when he does.
Others: Miss Piggy as Mrs Cratchit is ok, but I've never liked the pig. Gonzo has to get a rating as Dickens, give him 8. Rizzo the rat is annoying and unnecessary, and just for their appearance as the gentlemen seeking donations from Scrooge, Beaker and Doctor Bunsen Burner get an 8 between them.
The Ghosts: The Ghost of Christmas Past: Something of an annoyingly squeaky voice, kind of half looks like an angel, bit irritating. But the scenes are represented well. Say a 6
                     The Ghost of Christmas Present: Jolly giant whom it is hard not to like. 7 for him.
                     The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: Given that he's a silent spirit, not a bad representation, and I'll say another 6.

Faithful to the novel: Extremely. Almost word for word in places. Got to be a 9 here.
Emotion level: Some, especially in the Cratchit household after the death of Tiny Tim. 7
Puke level: Zero
Horror level: Again I say, are you fucking kidding me? Horror? With muppets? Nah. Zero.
Soundtrack: Decent songs, not too annoying, well written. Say a 7.

So our total then is 92. Being a Muppets movie adds an extra 5 and the appearance of Caine easily another 5, so that's a
Grand Total of 102! Told you it would be hard to beat!

Year: 1997
Medium: Colour (Animated)
Starring: Tim Curry, Michael York, Whoopi Goldberg, Ed Asner
Directed by: Stan Phillips
Length: 72 mins

Brief comments: For a 90s animation this is very flat and two-dimensional, quite Hanna-Barbera: there's even a dog like Spike in it! The colour is pretty washed-out and the movements are jerky, though that could be my connection I guess. Too much usage of the phrase "Right?" which is not proper for the time period.

CHARACTERS
Scrooge: Meh. Even with Tim Curry voicing him, he's pretty unconvincing. Drawn well, but that's about it. I'll give him, let's see, 5. The addition of a pet dog does nothing for him, and is a typical animation trick, to make it a bit more cute. Fails on all counts, unlike The Muppet Christmas Carol with Gonzo.
Marley: Given what they could have done with animation, even in the late 90s, Marley is handled poorly here, just a man surrounded by a faint green glow. He does describe what some of the links in his chain are though, which is a nice touch. Even so, I think he only deserves a 5.
Cratchit: Basically okay, but just that. 4
Tiny Tim: Almost non-existent. 2.
Others: n/a
The Ghosts: The Ghost of Christmas Past: A bell boy? A bloody cockney bell boy? Give me strength! Worst yet! A poor 3
                     The Ghost of Christmas Present: Whoopi Goldberg does a very bad Miss Marple and though the figure is black she puts on a cultured white voice, which robs the figure of any originality. A very low 4 for her, and that's being generous.
                     The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: Big purple Scooby-Doo  ghost surrounded by purple glow. Bah. A 3 for him.

Faithful to the novel: Pretty much so, though a few scenes are missing. The inclusion of the dog is an annoying distraction however. Say, I don't know, 7?
Emotion level: Little really. Give it a 1
Puke level: If it wasn't for the song about "Santa's Sooty Suit" (Santa's Smutty Suit, now that would have been interesting!) I'd say no, but that earns it a good -4
Horror level: Zero
Soundtrack: Meh, it's ok; some good songs but nothing terribly groundbreaking. Say 6.

Total then is 36. I have to add the stars on, and there are four of them so that's an extra 20, giving us a Grand Total of 56. Pretty low really, but about all it deserves.

Year: 1999
Medium: Colour
Starring: Patrick Stewart, Richard E Grant
Directed by: David Jones
Length: 95 mins

Brief comments: Make it so! Stewart was born to play this part, so how does he do? See below, but with two titans of the cinema in this I'm expecting really great things and a high score to rival the best I've yet seen. There's an interesting start, with the funeral of Marley, and a few bits added or changed here and there, but generally speaking I'm not as impressed as I had expected to be.

CHARACTERS
Scrooge: Well, to be honest it's like watching Picard play Scrooge. I kept expecting at any moment that Data would come into the holodeck and inform the Captain that they had achieved orbit. Stewart plays the part exactly like Picard; he's only short of barking "Make it so!" I can't say I'm enthusiastic about his performance. 6
Marley: Ghostly and not badly acted, but nothing terribly special. Say 6.
Cratchit: Grant is good in the role, almost saving the movie, not overly simpering and not too annoying. Have to be a good 8
Tiny Tim: Not too annoying, though he does have to sing! Let's say 6
Others: Interestingly, Liz Smith of The Royle Family fame here plays Mrs. Dilber, the same character she played in the 1984 version, so for that I guess you have to award her something. 5.
The Ghosts: The Ghost of Christmas Past: Oh dear! Looks like a cross between Data and some gay clown! Quite innocuous though, and the scenes are well represented. Let's say 7
                     The Ghost of Christmas Present: Refreshingly different, in that he's not the "jolly green giant" of most other movies, but a downbeat, almost sad figure. For the difference alone I think he has to get an 8, though with I now see Want and Ignorance featured I'm upping that to 9.
                    The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: Big blue silent guy, reminds me of an oversize Jawa! Cartoonish. Score 4.

Faithful to the novel: In many places, almost verbatim, though there are some slight diversions. It is, however, the first one to show the couple rejoicing at Scrooge's death due to their debt to him. Overly dramatic ending though, when he falls into his own coffin just before waking up. Pity. Altogether I would think 8 would be a fair score here.
Emotion level: Zero. It's like watching a holodeck episode of Star Trek mostly and it's hard not to equate Scrooge with Picard.
Puke level: Zero, though the dancing scenes at Fezziwig's always annoy me.
Horror level: Zero
Soundtrack: There's not a lot of music in it. What there is is made up of basic movie music and a few rather annoying songs. Say 5 for the lot.

So our total then for this version is 64, and with the two stars added in that's another 10, so a
Grand Total of 74. Not great really, and something of a disappointment.

There probably was never any real doubt - after all, who can stand against the frog? - but in any event. The Muppet Christmas Carol sweeps the boards here and comes in as not only very much the highest score of this trio, but I believe the highest score of any of the versions we've looked at up to now, and I sincerely doubt that anything following it is likely to beat that score. So Kermit and his men march happily into the next round.

Winner Round 4: The Muppet Christmas Carol

Hey! Where'd you get such a WEIRD Christmas song?
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia.giphy.com%2Fmedia%2Fapufn3TLcTFAY%2Fgiphy.gif&hash=144fab7d1e50096fbb63058d042cb8d3d2c99c5f)

Come on! Who wants a normal Christmas? In conjunction with a thread I started a few days ago, here are some of the, ah, less conventional Christmas songs you won't be hearing on the radio this, or any Yuletide season.

Or, to put it another way: "Joy to the weird, strange songs are here. Let ev'ry-one say "What?"

Yeah, there sure are some odd ones out there. I was originally helped muster this collection by some of the good (and not so good) folk at Music Banter, therefore I totally deny any responsibility if any of these offend you. Them lads made me do it! And on Christmas, too! :laughing:

I was originally going to rank them, but fuck me, they're all pretty off-the-wall, and who is to say which is weirder? So instead I'm just going to list them in the order they were originally suggested. Which means we kick off with this:
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2Fthumb%2Ff%2Ffe%2FMeetTheResidents1.jpg%2F330px-MeetTheResidents1.jpg&hash=579a8300c0b284d9077e620f6b5540c00b522072)
"Seasoned Greetings" (The Residents) from the debut album Meet The Residents, 1974

A weird little instrumental which sounds like they either listened to a lot of Waits, or he to them. Strange instruments with a thick bass backing track and something that sounds like fingers being scraped across a blackboard, psychedelic little noises, sax and horn, but no vocals which makes this really only a Christmas song in name. Oh wait, there they are, right at the end. Meh. Still a bit of a disappointment really. On we go.

(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F1.bp.blogspot.com%2F-7OKEz9YF2fA%2FUNH6VEzJB9I%2FAAAAAAAAB_c%2F_eQ_OXbtMg4%2Fs1600%2FSanta-Claus-AIDS.jpg&hash=dc6da5885fd7e8c8009ec5942b75964983fcb70c)
"Santa Claus Has Got the AIDS This Year" (Tiny Tim) 1980

Anyone who knows of Tiny Tim will remember him for the ukulele-accompanied hit "Tiptoe Through the Tulips", but that was in 1968, and this was written twelve years later, as the AIDS epidemic began to make itself known and spread across the world. Sources indicate that Tim did not know how serious the disease was, and of course he had no idea how many lives it would claim, so you can perhaps forgive him for his making a joke (and a buck or two) out of it, but even so it does seem incredibly ill-timed and insensitive, given what we know now. Of course, it's easy to be judgemental with hindsight. Fun, too.

The fact that he uses the word "the" in front of AIDS, rather than the single acronym as was very quickly adopted as the disease took a deathgrip on the world is an indication of how little he knew about this curse on mankind. I have to say though, it's not really funny. It's not even a good song. Perhaps in 1980 you could laugh, but here and now it just seems crass in the extreme. Definitely a case of an old washed-up has-been trying to cash in on human misery to make a few dollars. Bah! Humbug! Next!

(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.metal-archives.com%2Fimages%2F1%2F6%2F4%2F0%2F1640.jpg&hash=93099d0cd7ebda0d399aeed592d64ba5c7494956)
"Fuck Christmas (Tankard) from the album The Tankard, 1995

Yeah, this is more like it: a straight-ahead, metal extended finger to the holiday season. Noddy Holder, eat your heart out! Love the line "Christmas time is here again/ Time to give your cash to them!" Right on guys! The end line is great too: "He was fucking born in August anyway!" :laughing:

And for those among you who prefer a more "traditional" selection of music at Christmas...

(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.trollheart.com%2Fculturebugxmas.jpg&hash=4b0df87623a116cf0cd5e4c2679caeb04cfaa0bc)
You'll often hear a lot of classical music around this time of the year: everyone just seems to suddenly want to get culture. Plus of course there are many masses written by classical composers, and masses are, essentially, an integral part of Christmas. So here's a selection of the best Christmas-themed and appropriate classical pieces I could come up with, leaving aside the obvious plethora of hymns and carols.
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fcommons%2Fthumb%2F6%2F6a%2FJohann_Sebastian_Bach.jpg%2F220px-Johann_Sebastian_Bach.jpg&hash=dfaf8f5ab4088d34c7e39abbc13fbe6f85a5c5bb)
Opening with J.S. Bach's (1685-1750) "Nativity", taken from his two-hour composition, "Christmas Oratorio". If you like this, seek out the full thing: some kind soul has posted it on YouTube.
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fcommons%2Fthumb%2F2%2F2d%2FSergei_Prokofiev_02.jpg%2F260px-Sergei_Prokofiev_02.jpg&hash=8f54e90bf125ce0e02fe9938744867b7e8c3e6f1)
Perhaps not an actual Christmas piece, but the "Troika" from "Lieutenant Kije" by Sergei Prokofiev (1891-1953) always gives the impression of sleighs dashing through the snow...
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fcommons%2Fthumb%2Fd%2Fd7%2FPortr%25C3%25A4t_des_Komponisten_Pjotr_I._Tschaikowski_%25281840-1893%2529.jpg%2F220px-Portr%25C3%25A4t_des_Komponisten_Pjotr_I._Tschaikowski_%25281840-1893%2529.jpg&hash=a380a63fc3e53555062f4971585d32d8aa1de49d)
Tchaikovsky (1840-1893) is always a favourite at this time, with his "Nutcracker" ballet.
I know, I know! I said classical music, didn't I? Well, sue me but I simply can't resist including this version of "Carol of the Bells" by Trans-Siberian Orchestra.
And to finish on a high note, here's George Friedrich Handel (1685-1759) with the glorious "Messiah". This is of course the "Hallelujah Chorus".

And for those of you who prefer it LOUD at Christmas, and to whom "Silent Night" means turning the stereo down to 9, here are some seasonal shredders to allow you to
Have Yourself a Metal Little Christmas!

Kicking off with Korn, in whose company I seem to have been roped in to spending the first month of the new year. They have quite a few Christmas songs, it seems, even a Christmas album, but I like the idea of them taking their traditional razor-edged metal hammer to the old jolly poem "A Visit from Saint Nicholas", which they turned into, with stunning originality and thought, "Christmas Song." It is cute how, despite the frankly homophobic lyric, they seem to be unable to keep a straight face as they sing. Ah, bless!

Swedish death metallers Amon Amarth prefer to have a "Viking Christmas", so I guess no Saints in their celebrations, unless they're hefting axes at him! Not too sure I'd be all that happy to see one of these marauders clamber down my chimney! I wonder if the Viking Santa's slay (hah) is pulled by dragons?

Lacuna Coil prefer a "Naughty Christmas". Obviously not too worried about the big jolly man in the bright red suit, then!

Anyone remember Twisted Sister? They were really big in the eighties, but seem to have vanished now. They do a pretty good version of "Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow" here.

And what metal Christmas would be complete without the Godfather of Shock Rock himself. When Alice grins "Santa Claus is coming to town" it sounds like more a gleeful warning of something, you know, wicked, coming this way.

Back now to the world of movies. Let's check out another of
(https://i.postimg.cc/Ls7J4Khh/THXmasclassics.png)
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/4/4d/Trading_Places.jpg)
Trading Places (Paramount Pictures, 1983)

Two comedy genius come together to make this a Christmas movie that never grows old, and one of the few with hardly any gushy sentimentality at all. And not a Santa in sight! Well...

Louis Winthorpe III (Dan Aykroyd) has it all: a top job in a firm of brokers, a beautiful girlfriend whom he is due to marry, a big car, fancy apartment, money to burn, while Billy Valentine (Eddie Murphy) is a down-and-out, homeless vagabond. Winthorpe's employers, the two senior partners in the firm, decide to make a bet. They will engineer circumstances that will ensure that their employee will lose his job, his house, his money, his social standing, his girl - everything. He'll envy Job by the time they're done with him. In the meantime, they take Valentine under their wing, to see how he does in Winthorpe's place. Well, one does, intending to make Valentine into his protege, at least for the duration of the bet, while the other does all he can to throw a spanner in the works. The bet is made, and the experiment begins.

What follows is an increasingly hilarious if tragic sequence of opposites, as the snooty, entitled Winthorpe sees his world collapse around him, and in the end is reduced to robbing a Santa suit and holding up Valentine, who he does not recognise, while the tramp is elevated in social status, given all that was Winthorpe's, including his fiancee.

The endgame, where the two realise what has been done to them, understand they are both being used by the unscrupulous and bored partners who have more money than sense, but have made the bet for a single dollar, and join forces against them, is the crowning achievement of the movie. Winthorpe, toughened up by his enforced life on the streets, and Valentine, now privy to secrets he had never before been, make sure the two men pay for their heartless bet. Oh, and there's a gorilla in there somewhere too.

A movie that, while it may not necessarily espouse the Christmas spirit of, as Dickens once wrote, all men being "fellow travellers on the way to the grave", will make you laugh, cheer, perhaps cry and be unsure who to root for. The film largely made proper stars of Murphy and Aykroyd, both of whose careers needed a shot in the arm. It is, at its heart, a screwball comedy with a rather heavy-handed moral message tacked on, but by gum it's a good one!

(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.trollheart.com%2Fxmasth2.png&hash=c29a39f81231c76f3bed559d9fb3aa9df9a1a890)
Greg Lake: The man who would be Grinch?
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.kboing.com.br%2Ffotos%2Fimagens%2F4de8da69acb0a.jpg&hash=423bbd066c815aa46f706eebfdfc4719cdcd71bc)(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fspinoff.comicbookresources.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F02%2Fhow-the-grinch-stole-christmas-thumb.jpg&hash=43f50e93192cc209eef105580954c91dbdb68e5f)
I've never had much time for ELP as you probably know (hold those gasps of surprise!) but one thing that has always annoyed me is the success, and therefore constant rotation every Christmas, of Greg Lake's "I Believe in Father Christmas". I've read the backstory and yes, I can see how it was written as a protest song, but for me it just seems the most bitter and pessimistic Christmas song ever. In it, Lake talks about "being sold a dream of Christmas" and waiting to see Santa on Christmas Eve, then realising it was his father all along. Sure, we all went through that, but the heavy sarcasm and contempt that drips from this song like drops of poisoned punch makes me wonder how it was ever a hit. Though Lake himself professes that it was a backlash against the commercialisation of the holiday season, with a dash of anti-war rhetoric thrown in for good measure, it always seems to me to be totally anachronistic to have it follow something like "Merry Xmas Everybody" on one of those Christmas albums we all moan about but which we all have one of (mine are Santa's Greatest Hits and The Phil Spector Christmas Album); a happy, upbeat song that celebrates Christmas (as does just about every other Christmas song) succeeded by a moany, downbeat, sarcastic swipe at the festive season.

I know he says all that stuff at the end about "wishing you a joyful Christmas", but to be honest, after what he's written prior all of that rings a little hollow to me, and the end impression I've always been left with is the ambiguous ending, which can really be interpreted however you want, but for me is always something of a parting shot: "The Christmas you get you deserve?" Apart from being a badly-constructed phrase (should be "You get the Christmas you deserve", and it would still have scanned with the rest of the lyric) it always sounds negative to me.

And he also had the gall to base much of the melody on Prokofiev's "Troika" from Lieutenant Kije. Every time I hear this at Christmas it depresses and annoys me, and to be honest, I think I'd rather listen to Carey's vacuous bleating on "All I Want for Christmas is You" than this. At least that's cheerful, even if it makes you want to smash your head against the wall till your brains leak out. Lake's effort just makes me want to go find the nearest gunshop.

Lucky I live in Ireland, where there are no such things.

Merry Christmas Greg, you contemptuous old fart! To quote an old Blackadder curse, May your skin turn orange in hue, and your head drop off at an awkward moment. Perhaps you need a visit from a certain three ghosts...

"They said there'll be snow at Christmas;
They said there'll be peace on Earth.
But instead it just kept on raining,
A veil of tears for the Virgin's birth.
I remember one Christmas morning,
A winters light and a distant choir
And the peal of a bell and that Christmas tree smell
And their eyes full of tinsel and fire.

They sold me a dream of Christmas;
They sold me a silent night
And they told me a fairy story
'till I believed in the Israelite.
And I believed in Father Christmas
And I looked at the sky with excited eyes
'till I woke with a yawn in the first light of dawn
And I saw him and through his disguise.
I wish you a hopeful Christmas
I wish you a brave new year.
All anguish pain and sadness
Leave your heart and let your road be clear.
They said there'll be snow at Christmas
They said there'll be peace on Earth.
Hallelujah Noel be it Heaven or Hell
The Christmas you get you deserve."

And so we return to
(https://i.postimg.cc/52vY8mJD/25worst2a.pngpng)

(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2F8%2F83%2FCharlotte_Church_-_Dream_a_Dream.jpg&hash=c87799b8adc1ad2d441e847e59907fb898203f50)
Dream a Dream - Charlotte Church - 2000 (Sony Classical)

I suppose the best thing you can say about this album is that at least there's a picture of a pretty girl to look at on the cover! To be fair to Charlotte Church, if anyone was going to release a Christmas album you would probably expect it to have been her. She did after all start her career in classical and operatic singing, and has been closely identified with hymns and carols and so forth. Even at that though, her soprano voice does tend to grate after a while.

It's a relatively decent collection, with the title track familiar to me from some classical album I have, and a rather nice version of "Far over Bethlehem" in, presumably, her native Welsh. It's quite long though, nineteen tracks in all, and though somewhat atypical fare like "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire (The Christmas Song)" and the rather nice "Lo! A rose e'er blooming", not to mention "Coventry carol (Lully lullay)" pull you a little away from the usual expected songs about Jesus, Santa and toys, it's still one of those albums you'd be unlikely to make it all the way through, unless you're one of her fans.

Not the worst ever, but certainly not a present I want to see coming my way anytime soon!
TRACKLISTING

1. Dream a dream
2. O come all ye faithful
3. Little drummer boy
4. Mary's boy child
5. Ding Dong! Merrily on high
6. Winter wonderland
7. The Christmas Song (Chestnuts roasting on an open fire)
8. Hark! the Herald Angels sing
9. The Coventry Carol  (Lully Lullay)
10. Joy to the world
11. When a child is born
12. What child is this
13. God rest ye merry gentlemen
14. Draw tua Bethlehem (Far over Bethlehem)
15. Ave Maria
16. Gabriel's message
17. O holy night
18. Lo! How a rose e'er blooming
19. Silent night

(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fecx.images-amazon.com%2Fimages%2FI%2F51Q9FEP6OkL._SL500_AA300_.jpg&hash=7185d8ffa9de0a0677e17382d67f4a97c4540741)

Christmas Party - Boney M - 2003 (BMG)

Ah, Boney M! What Christmas would be complete without them crooning about "Mary's boy child"? Certainly bringing a real sense of gospel to their disco funk trademark sound, this is one of several (and I mean several) Christmas albums released by the boney ones down the years, most of which are the same lineup with either very slight track changes or just a change of title. Then again, Christmas albums ain't exactly rocket science, y'know?

So you get what you'd expect: the carols, the party songs, some non-English language ones like "Feliz navidad" (Spanish?) and "Petit Papa Noel" (French, I think), but they all mean the same basic thing. You can't blame the artist here: no-one's exactly going to experiment when putting together a Christmas album: it's not quite reinventing the wheel, is it? Nonetheless, they do at least throw in some interesting ones, like "Zion's daugher", "Darkness is falling" and even "Auld lang syne", presumably to ensure the album gets a spin on New Year's Eve. There's a Christmas medley as an opener, and another near the end, with the expected inclusion of "Mary's boy child/Oh my Lord".

TRACKLISTING

1. Christmas Medley: Silent Night, Holy Night/Snow Falls Over The Ground/Hear Ye The Message/Sweet Bells
2. Oh Christmas Tree
3. Hark The Herald Angels Sing
4. Zion's Daughter
5. The First Noel
6. Oh Come All Ye Faithful
7. Petit Papa Noel
8. Darkness Is Falling
9. Joy To The World
10. White Christmas
11. Jingle Bells
12. Feliz Navidad
13. When A Child Is Born
14. Little Drummer Boy
15. Medley: Mary's Boy Child/Oh My Lord
16. Auld Lang Syne

(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fecx.images-amazon.com%2Fimages%2FI%2F51xDTX5sy0L.jpg&hash=c7374ab3072fed0589cacbccfe5b989a17d0e49b)
An Irish Christmas - Various Artists - Year unknown (Celtic Note)


Be the hokay, 'tis an Irish Christmas an' no mistake, boy!

Ah, sure: I'm not averse to slagging off my home country when it suits, and if there's one thing Irish people love it's Christmas. And drink. And presents. And drink. And Santy. And drink. You get the idea. Here we have some of the (ahem) cream of Irish music belting out or playing their renditions of Christmas songs and Irish traditional ones too. So we have the great Phil Coulter giving us a lovely version of "O holy night", Maura O'Connel singing "My Irish Molly-o" (yeah...) and Moya Brennan with a lovely little Irish song called "Codail a linbh" (sleep o child), while some shower called The Voice Squad tackle "The parting glass" and "The holly she bears a berry" (indeed), with the youngsters from, er, Slane National School taking us through "Away in a manger" and "Silent night" (sung in Irish).

Yeah, it's enough to make you hide your head and feel embarrassed to be Irish! We even get a snippet from "Angela's ashes", with something called "The pig's head", and the Celtic Tenors (yeah, we have them too, though due to the financial meltdown they're only worth about eight-fifty!) hit us with "O come all ye faithful" and of course, "Danny boy". Sigh.

TRACKLISTING

1   The Holly She Bears A Berry - The Voice Squad
2   An Irish Blessing - Roma Downey
3   The Parting Glass - The Voice Squad
4   Away In A Manger - Slane National School
5   The Dromcolliher Set - Ger Kiely And Band
6   Flower Of Maherally - Brian Kennedy
7   Oh Holy Night - Phil Coulter
8   Adeste Fideles (Come All Ye Faithful) - Celtic Tenors
9   Oiche Ciuin (Silent Night) - Slan National School
10   My Irish Molly-O - Maura O'Connel
11   Codail A Linbh (Sleep O Child) - Moya Brennan
12   Be Thou My Vision - Roma Downey
13   Remember Me - Brian Kennedy
14   The Pig's Head (excerpt from Angela's Ashes) - Frank McCourt
15   Danny Boy - Celtic Tenors
16   Steal Away - Phil Coulter

(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fecx.images-amazon.com%2Fimages%2FI%2F612jy2ZAXvL._SL500_AA300_.jpg&hash=cbce7a03a226ba8d0073a67607e5bbadc49a8151)
8 days of Christmas - Destiny's Child - 2001 (Sony)


Just on the cusp of their breakup to allow Beyonce Knowles to take the world by storm, Destiny's Child came together in 2001 to record this pile of muck. You want Christmas songs with an "orr an bee" flavour? You got it! You want original songs, written by the girls? You got it. You want Christmas medleys? Hell, you got that too! You want a loaded gun? ;)

I can't for the life of me work out what the significance of "8 days of Christmas" is. The song is "12 days of Christmas". There aren't only eight tracks (unfortunately) so where does the title come from? More to the point, who really cares?
Featuring some of the most popular Christmas songs - "Silent night", "Little drummer boy", "Winter wonderland" and so on - the album also has three original songs, all written by Beyonce, and that Christmas medley just rounds things off making you wonder why anyone in their right mind would buy this album. The girls try to claim writing credits, it would seem, to such standards as "O holy night" and the 1962 hit "Do you hear what I hear", but though they may have arranged them they certainly didn't compose them. I think the turkey's about ready now, girls.

TRACKLISTING

1. 8 Days of Christmas
2. Winter Paradise
3. A 'DC' Christmas Medley ("Santa Claus Is Coming to Town"/"Jingle Bells"/"Frosty the Snowman"/"Have a Holly Jolly Christmas"/"Deck the Halls"/"Here Comes Santa Claus")
4.Silent Night
5. Little Drummer Boy
6. Do You Hear What I Hear
7. White Christmas
8. Platinum Bells
9. O Holy Night
10. Spread a Little Love on Christmas Day
11. This Christmas
12. Opera of the Bells

(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fecx.images-amazon.com%2Fimages%2FI%2F515XuBmGOFL._SL500_AA300_.jpg&hash=5407a9c18b2a4fd937b0c7c00fe2d530c768c82b)
Merry Christmas - Mariah Carey - 2008 (Columbia)


If I had to pick one female singer I despised above all others, I think it would be Mariah Carey. It was she, after all, who started this whole trend of dragging a note out to the nth degree, as if doing that is going to make you sound better, and now they're all doing it. I also tend to call her the "ghost singer" (among other names!) as she makes a sound when singing reminiscent of a spirit haunting some lonely hallway: "Whooo--whooaa---ooohhhhh--woh-woah," You know the sort of thing. Hey look, I never said these reviews would be unbiased! In fact, if anything, they're totally biased.
Unlike Lionel Ritchie, she can't resist the temptation of putting on some original songs here, so in addition to the expected (dreaded, in my case) "All I want for Christmas is you", we get two more self-penned ditties, in "Miss you most (at Christmas time)" and "Jesus born on this day." Other than that, it's the usual mix of "Joy to the world", "Silent night", "God rest ye" and so on. Pretty generic really, but given that added annoyance of having to listen to Carey's voice drone on and on throughout the album. Fair put me off me Christmas dinner, it would!

TRACKLISTING

1. Silent Night
2. All I Want For Christmas Is You
3. O Holy Night
4. Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)
5. Miss You Most (At Christmas Time)
6. Joy To The World
7. Jesus Born On This Day
8. Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town
9. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing/Gloria (In Excelsis Deo)
10. Jesus Oh What A Wonderful Child
11. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

You know, I think it's just possible!
(https://y.yarn.co/135c00ec-d2e6-472b-b1ac-64a2f7ce51f9_text.gif)
We've just got four more of
(https://i.postimg.cc/QtRVBBPj/cartoonxmas1.jpg)
to go. So two today, and two tomorrow, and we're done!
(https://www.spotebi.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/workout-plan-resources-day-9.jpg)
Episode title: How the Griffin Stole Christmas
Series: Family Guy
Season: 15
Written by: Aaron Lee
First transmitted: December 17 2016

When Peter stands in as a mall Santa the power goes to his head. That's it. Well, not really but you get the idea. Brian and Stewie crash Christmas parties in search of free booze (for Brian obviously, not the baby) and lonely and desperate women. What? Oh. Yeah. Not Stewie. Probably not. No, definitely not. Definitely not? Definitely not. Stewie tries to liven up one of the parties by telling the staff half of them will be fired unless they can drink more shots that the other half, and the boss, liking what he hears, takes him on. When it becomes clear that Stewie's joke has gone too far (don't ask me where Brian is at this point; he seems to have disappeared) he tries to make amends by handing out paycheques to everyone, cut for the maximum amount he's authorised to sign: eleven thousand dollars. Cash them fast, he tells everyone.

Having blagged everything he can because he's dressed as Santa (seriously? They believe that? They know he's not really Santa, right?) Peter passes out in the street. He awakes to find the real Santa standing over him, none too pleased at how he's been mistreating the office. But rather than wreak terrible vengeance on him, like maybe showing him what the world would be without a proper Santa (or even an evil one) lame-ass Santa here just pranks Peter with a text and then tries to strangle him so that Peter gives in and takes off the suit. It's beyond lazy, it really is.

Notes

It's hard to know what to say really. This is top grade trash. I mean, what's in the story? Stewie and Brian crash a party, Stewie gets a job at the office and it turns out not to be the awesome adventure he had anticipated. Peter uses his position as Santa to be really greedy and Santa sort of punishes him, but not really, until Peter repents. Garbage. If this is what the current season is like, I'm glad I stopped watching. There's really nothing else to say. Merry Christmas, you fat lazy bastard Seth MacFarlane.

(https://i.postimg.cc/QVZBzBkf/scroogeth.png)

Okay, so much for finishing all the 20th century versions! I somehow forgot this classic, perhaps because it's not called either "A Christmas Carol" or, technically, "Scrooge". Bloody Wiki! Anyway, one of the very best versions from the eighties and the only live-action comedy based on the tale.

Year: 1988
Medium: Colour
Starring: Bill Murray, Robert Mitchum, Karen Allen
Directed by: Richard Donner
Length: 101 mins

Brief comments: Well who doesn't know this cheery, funny take on the story? One of the classic comedy movies of the late eighties and yet another vehicle for the multi-talented Murray, directed by Richard "Lethal Weapon" Donner. How could you miss? A modern take, it features Murray as the president of a TV network (for once, the only film in which the main character is not called Scrooge) who are putting on a live performance of "A Christmas Carol" (which they annoyingly refer to as "Charles Dickens's classic Scrooge"!), and who of course does not know the meaning of Christmas. Hilarious and quite action-packed without going over the top, Donner reining himself in so as to preserve the main and important lesson in the movie, it features cameos from some serious players.

CHARACTERS
Scrooge: Murray is both hilarious, nasty and a little pathetic in the part, in the role of Frank Cross (his office, for instance, holds a legend: "Cross: a thing they hang people on"!) but his infectious humour shines through the film and, as expected, he steals the show. Has to be a 9, only dropping one point because he's not called Scrooge.
Marley: Not really a Marley, but Cross's boss comes back from the dead to warn him about the visitation he is to get, and the venerable John Forsythe shines in the brief part, with some very good special effects. Must be an 8.
Cratchit: Kind of none, though Cross's secretary Grace is placed in that role, along with her son who does not speak until the very end (a Christmas miracle), and for her portrayal, even if it is classic token-black-actor/actress nonsense, I need to award her a 7.
Tiny Tim: No much to say. Kid is quiet all the way through and not that much in it. 5
Others: A host of other cameos and bit parts, including Herman the down-and-out, Loudermilk the mad worker who gets fired by Cross and then has a series of increasingly bad times before going all Die Hard with a shotgun. Mitchum as the owner of the network is, well, Mitchum, and Allen as Cross's love interest, Claire, another shining light. So we need to add another 5 each, making 20
The Ghosts:
The Ghost of Christmas Past: Fucking brilliant! Tom Waits in a taxi cab! Stunningly original, fun and right to the point. No hesitation in awarding him a 10.
                     The Ghost of Christmas Present: Psycho fairy godmother, reminds me of Cyndi Lauper. Superb and out of her mind. Another 10
                     The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: Big scary animatronic hooded guy, but for the scenes and the effects, which are very good, a decent 8

Faithful to the novel: Not in the least. Based very very loosely on the tale, and although the stage performance mirrors the novel, that's only ancillary to the main storyline so I can only give a 4 here
Emotion level: Very much so, right near the end. Say 8
Puke level: Zero
Horror level: Zero
Soundtrack: It's okay; standard American feel-good movie soundtrack, though I guess I have to award points for closing on a song that is not a Christmas one ("Put a Little Love in Your Heart") and yet very appropriate. Say, I don't know, 7.

So our total is 96. Starwise we're looking at Murray, Mitchum, Allen, Lee Majors, Robert Goulet ... you know what? There are too many stars here to add them all, and anyway, a host of stars doesn't necessarily make a great movie (although this is) so let's say a modest 15 for them all. But then, it's the only (live action) comedy version, so there's another 10 for that. That makes up to a
Grand Total of 121, the highest yet! And to be fair, it deserves it.

Year: 2000
Medium: Colour
Starring: Ross Kemp, Warren Mitchell, Ray Fearon
Directed by: Catherine Morshead
Length: 72 mins

Brief comments: Finally, a Scrooge tale that is completely different! I'm no fan of Ross Kemp, and had considered not including this since it's a modern take, but then I thought well so is Scrooged and I'm doing that, so what the hey! Kemp is Eddie Scrooge in this modern look at the story, and it's nice to see the only contemporary version other than Bill Murray's comedy take a good hard swipe at the tale, and do a fairly decent job too. I like the way Scrooge chooses to see his first visitation as an opportunity to engage in a "Groundhog Day"-like reliving of the previous day (Christmas Eve) and seems to intend to profit by it, though he has as yet learned no lessons. The murder-mystery woven into the plot is very good too. The lessons taught at the end pull right at the heartstrings, and it feels, you know, real.

CHARACTERS
Scrooge: Kemp is great in the role, a tight, pitiless, tough-as-nails moneylender whose idea of a Christmas present is to steal someone's TV and throw it over a balcony. Admittedly, he doesn't have to stretch his limited acting talent, as the part is not a million miles away from the other bad guys he's portrayed, but he does it well. I like the way he starts changing after the visit from the second ghost, but seems still to be doing it for the wrong reasons, so still needs one more shock. A high 8 for him.
Marley: Refreshing to see a black man in the role, and the modern idiom used is good too. Little cheap to use him as a two-for-one with the Ghost of Christmas Present though. I would say 9, except for the doubling-up, which loses him a point, so 8.
Cratchit: In the role as Scrooge's henchman, pretty well played. Not at all annoying. 8
Tiny Tim: Again, not at all annoying and best of all, he doesn't sing! 8
Others: Scrooge's love-interest Bella is very pivotal to the story, so she gets a 7 for her role; Marley's mother, never a character in the original for obvious reasons (Marley is much younger here, as is Scrooge) another star turn, so 6 for her, and the single mother, whose telly is taken by Scrooge at the beginning, another star, so 7 for her. Finally, Liz Smith does it again, third appearance for her in Scrooge movies, so she deserves a 5 for her part.
The Ghosts: The Ghost of Christmas Past: Scrooge's father (nice twist) played by the lovable Warren Mitchell (Alf Garnett), and the fact that he appears on Scrooge's TV set is both clever and a nod back to his son's confiscation and then destruction of the single mother's television. 7
                     The Ghost of Christmas Present: It's Marley, which while it's unexpected takes a lot of the impact away, as we've already met him. Not sure why they couldn't get a separate actor for this part like everyone else. 4
                    The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: Great twist, making him a kid. Even better twist, to make him Scrooge's as yet unborn son! 10

Faithful to the novel: In a general way, though the story is quite different. Innovative, and keeps the general idea there, but does it in its own way. I would have to say only 7
Emotion level: The only one I have actually cried at. Have to award this a 10
Puke level: Zero
Horror level: Despite it being a modern take, surprisingly zero
Soundtrack: Almost non-existent, so I'm afraid a low 3

So our total then is 98. However we also have to add in the stars, but though Ray Fearon is apparently a soap star I don't know him, so all I can really add is Kemp and Mitchell, so another 10 there. That would give a total of 108, but to be honest I was expecting so little from this version and was so blown away by it that it deserves another 10, so the
Grand Total is 118, which would normally have lifted it right into the next round, but it's pipped by three lousy points by Bill Murray's Scrooged, which goes through. Pity: I would have thought this would have had a good chance against some of the others. Honourable mention though.

Year: 2001
Medium: Colour (Animated)
Starring: Simon Callow, Kate Winslet, Michael Gambon, Nicholas Cage
Directed by: Jimmy T Murakami
Length: 81 mins

Brief comments: Too many mice in this animated version. Again, the colours are very washed-out and dour looking. There's a lot of extra material added so that the proper story only gets going in about the twentieth minute. Somewhat rushed, given that it's over an hour long. Those fucking mice! What is the point??

CHARACTERS
Scrooge: Voiced by Simon Callow, he's nasty enough certainly but unaccountably kind to the bloody mice, which is totally out of character. He's not nearly old enough. 4
Marley: Considering what they could have done with the animation, quite poor. The Marley on the doorknocker (oddly enough, this event happens after his ex-partner has visited Scrooge!) is more scary than the one who comes to see him. Very poor. 3
Cratchit: Annoying as ever. Bit of a caricature if I'm honest. 4
Tiny Tim: Not too annoying. Doesn't sing, so 5
Others: Not really. Even Robert Llewellyn (Red Dwarf's Kryten) as Old Joe can't rescue this trainwreck.
The Ghosts:
The Ghost of Christmas Past: Decent enough; changes from young girl to old woman, good touch. 7
                    The Ghost of Christmas Present: Basic, but he does have the horn of plenty thing. 5
                     The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: Quite scary for a cartoon. Decent enough. 7

Faithful to the novel: Hardly. There's a lot of extra stuff added as  said, and the idea is that Belle was Fan's friend, which was certainly never mentioned. Fan died I believe before Scrooge even met her. Scrooge seems to think giving out oranges on Christmas morning is a grand gesture; he doesn't offer any money to the gentlemen collecting for the poor. The odd storyline with Belle and the hospital is ludicrous, and the reconciliation is just a mess. Talk about shitting on the story! Something of a confused interpretation. I've never done this before but I'm giving this a minus rating. -8.
Emotion level: Zero
Puke level: I would say zero but the fucking mice add in a -6
Horror level: Zero
Soundtrack: Not bad, what there is of it. Touches of The Alan Parsons Project in the music that accompanies the Ghost of Christmas Present, some nice piano music intervals, some choral singing and two songs specially written for the movie. Okay I guess. 7

So the total then is 28. The stars add another 30 which lifts it to a very undeserved
Grand Total of 58.

So that makes Scrooged the winner of the penultimate set of the first round. Barely, but it scrapes through against Ross Kemp, proving perhaps that comedy is stronger than being tough? Anyway, one more round of this to go and then we'll be into the knockout stages.

And so on to
(https://i.postimg.cc/QtRVBBPj/cartoonxmas1.jpg)
(https://worldagentsofchangedotorg.files.wordpress.com/2020/01/day-10.jpg)
Episode title: Skinner's Sense of Snow
Series: The Simpsons
Season: 12
Written by: Tim Long
First transmitted: December 17 2000

Despite a heavy fall of snow, and to Bart's disgust, Springfield elementary is open - one of the few schools that is. He cheers up a little when Principal Skinner tells the class that, as no teachers showed up today, he will be showing them a movie, about a Grinchy little character. However it's not what the kids think, and they have to sit through a bad 1930s movie called The Christmas That Almost Wasn't And Then Was - in black and white. Thankfully however after two hours the video camera burns up the movie, and everyone heads for the exits. In shock, they realise the snow has piled up outside and they can't get out: they're trapped in the school!

Homer and Flanders set out to rescue the kids, but Homer hits a fire hydrant and the water instantly freezes, trapping them too. Meanwhile things are turning ugly at the school, so Skinner dons his old army uniform and re-establishes discipline. Nelson tries to make a break for it but runs head-first into the big pile of snow waiting outside. The children settle down for the night, unhappy but unable to leave. Undaunted, Bart decides to dig his way out (with a ladle?) and has actually made good progress before Skinner catches him. In trying to collapse the tunnel though (while inside it; how stupid is that?) he gets trapped and by the time the kids and Willy pull him out he's no longer a force for authority. They tie him up and the kids take control of the school.

Trapped in the frozen car, with engine fumes leaking in, Homer starts to have hallucinations. Skinner sends the school hamster, Nibbles, off in a transparent ball (don't ask me) with a note asking for help. He ends up smashing through the windscreen of Flanders's car, breaking the glass and letting in air. This (for some reason) frees them from the ice too, and they head off but crash into a pillar of salt (yeah I know) outside the cracker factory (doesn't or didn't Kirk Van Houten work there?) which topples over, spilling tons of salt onto the snow, and thus melting it.The kids escape from the school as the snow melts, just as Homer and Flanders show up outside.

Notes

This is how you do a Christmas episode! Yes, again it's kind of centred on one character - Bart - but given that it also involves the school you get to see the other kids, particularly Nelson and (shudder) Millhouse. Even Martin gets a line. And despite what you might expect, Lisa does not side with Skinner on the issue of authority, but joins in with the general rebellion when he is imprisoned by the children. Homer has some great scenes here and it's pretty cool that he teams up with Flanders. Bart's takeover of the school does somewhat mirror when he was at Kamp Krusty, but it's handled in a different way.

The clever twist when the kids think they're going to be shown The Grinch and it turns out instead to be a crappy b-movie from the days of black and white is nice, and the crappiness of the movie is enhanced by Lisa pointing out a stage-hand who walks out on the set. Another flashback to 'Nam for Skinner - those are always good - and I also like how when Millhouse tries to impress Lisa by tearing up her permanent record the page reconstitutes and the drawer closes by itself. The power of education indeed!  The link back to Mr. Plow, where Homer can't even remember having such a job despite the fact that he is actually wearing the jacket, is a comment on I guess the fact that so many people are now sick of that episode, and staying with snow ploughs, the selling off of the city's supply to Mr. Burns for his entertainment is just the sort of thing Quimby would do.

A few small nibbles, sorry niggles: when Skinner writes SEND HELP! On the note he puts into the hamster's rolling ball, that's literally all he writes. Not who the note is from, where he can be found, how help might be sent or to where. Very lax for a so-called educated man. I'm not sure exactly how the DVD of the movie failing manages to burn up the camera, or how Skinner fixes the disc - one would assume he just cleaned it, but why then would that make the screen burn up, and it having done so, how would repairing the DVD allow the screen to function again? Why are they all eating relish and apples? Surely there is other food in the school? It's the Christmas holidays, yes, but there should be food left over still. Even candy bars from the machines or something? Relish and apples? How does Bart dig such an effective tunnel without any supports or buttresses at all, and given that he is at this point almost out, why does Skinner decide to collapse the tunnel instead of maybe strengthening it and seeing if they can after all get out? Okay, okay! More than a few niggles, but you know me.

But all those questions aside - none of which are, in the final analysis, important anyway - what I really like about Simpsons episodes versus Family Guy and to some extent American Dad is that they rarely if ever poke fun at Christmas, and never at religion. Yes, there are a few gentle jabs - Bart saying Christmas is remembered for the birth of Santa, Homer lamenting that Jesus must be spinning in his grave etc - but there isn't the kind of wanton cruelty and disdain that Seth McFarlane's shows, especially Family Guy, heap on Christmas, as if the guy hated it. Not all of the Simpsons Christmas episodes are great, not by any means, but when they do it right they can really hit the mark, and to be fair, this happens more times than it doesn't. This isn't a perfect Christmas episode, but damn it, it's close.

(https://i.postimg.cc/Ls7J4Khh/THXmasclassics.png)
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/2/25/It%27s_a_Wonderful_Life_%281946_poster%29.jpeg/440px-It%27s_a_Wonderful_Life_%281946_poster%29.jpeg)

It's a Wonderful Life (RKO Radio Pictures, 1947)

Now I know everyone groans when they see this on the TV listings, but be honest now: you've watched it, haven't you? It's the ultimate schmaltzy, feel-good, family Christmas movie. Or is it? Watching Mark Kermode's excellent Christmas Movies Secrets two nights ago, he made some really interesting points about it, making the case that this is in fact a very, very dark movie, that buried beneath all the "hail-fellow-well-met" Christmas bonhomie and the happy ending is a very deep and mature movie that deals with some very dark aspects of the Christmas season, and of the human heart.

When we first meet him, James Stewart's character, George Bailey, is a child of maybe ten years old, and saves his brother when Harry breaks through the ice and is almost drowned. He also saves his employer from accidentally prescribing poison, but as he grows up, dreaming of leaving his hometown to see the world before he starts college, to start a career he has always wanted to follow, the death of his father has scuppered those plans, and he has been forced instead to remain in Bedford Falls and run his father's bank.

This has made him irascible, touchy and bitter. He turns on his wife and his family, and the pressure of business gets to him when there's a run on the bank. He ends up standing on the bridge, contemplating suicide. He thinks his life is not worth living, and everyone he knows and loves would be better off without him. He is shown though by an angel sent down to help him how things would have turned out had he not been born.

It's not good. Bedford Falls has become Pottersville, owned and run by the meanest and richest man in town, a real Mr. Burns, who makes everyone's life miserable. Nobody recognises him, as he is now living in a world in which he was never born. This impacts upon his past, too: if he had never existed, he could never have been there to save his brother, who died, and the pharmacist he stopped from accidentally poisoning his customer went to prison as he wasn't there to stop him making such a mistake. His wife doesn't recognise him, he has no home, and he's a man without a life and without a world that knows him.

Of course, in the end he wishes he had never made that prayer not to have been born, and life returns to normal, as he sees how important and valuable his life is, not only to him, but to all the people who once knew him or depended on him. He thought his life was miserable, but he realises in the end that it was, and can be, and is, a wonderful life.

To close, here's a rather unbelievable but true story about how the FBI lambasted the movie for casting bankers in a bad light. I swear: you couldn't make this stuff up! Copied verbatim from Wiki: On May 26, 1947, the Federal Bureau of Investigation issued a memo stating, "With regard to the picture It's a Wonderful Life, [redacted] stated in substance that the film represented rather obvious attempts to discredit bankers by casting Lionel Barrymore as a 'scrooge-type' so that he would be the most hated man in the picture. This, according to these sources, is a common trick used by Communists. [In] addition, [redacted] stated that, in his opinion, this picture deliberately maligned the upper class, attempting to show the people who had money were mean and despicable characters."[64] Film historian Andrew Sarris observed as "curious" that "the censors never noticed that the villainous Mr. Potter gets away with robbery without being caught or punished in any way".
 :laughing:  :laughing:  :laughing:

Let's do the last of these, then, so we can get on the knockout rounds.
(https://i.postimg.cc/QVZBzBkf/scroogeth.png)

There are four left that I know of, but of those, one, an animated version which has everyone as cartoon animals, can't be tracked down, which is a pity, as I would love to have seen Scrooge as a skunk, but what can you do? That leaves us with these three then.

Year: 2004
Medium: Colour
Starring: Kelsey Grammer, Jane Krakowski, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jason Alexander
Directed by: Arthur Allan Seidelman
Length: 98 mins

Brief comments: I found this so hard to track down I actually had to buy it. This is only the second time I've done this, but I have seen this version on telly before and was so impressed with it that I didn't want to pass over it. Plus it's Kelsey Grammer. It's also a full musical, based on a stage production in which Grammer also starred. It's interesting how Scrooge does  not conduct his business at his office, chewing out Cratchit and the gentlemen collecting for the poor (three this time) at the Exchange, while his nephew accosts him on the way to his office. For once, a film set in the twenty-first century uses the bewildering arsenal of special effects at hand to create a true masterpiece of horror and fear. Wonderful soundtrack too. One of the best I've seen. Mind you, if I have to sit through one more rendition of Fezziwig's party I may just have to shoot myself in the head!

CHARACTERS
Scrooge: I once said Scrooge was the role Patrick Stewart was born to play. Not so. I was very disappointed, as I wrote already, with his take on the character; basically Picard plays Scrooge. Very limited. But Grammer! Ah now there's an actor! I've seen him play Frasier of course, the mayor in Boss, a criminally axed show that portrayed him as a real hardass, uncaring grasping politician, and as the cocky newscaster in Back to You. Here, he is none of those things (well, perhaps a little of Mayor Tom King) and puts in a powerhouse performance (and I don't say that often, but it's deserved), both with his acting and his singing.  He is resistant to change but slowly crumbles, unlike other Scrooges who changed abruptly; he really gives the impression of a man going through a transformation, a cathartic epiphany. An almost perfect portrayal that easily gets him top marks. 10
Marley: Another excellent performance from George from Seinfeld, and a great song too. Wonderful effects, especially in the "Danse Macabre" as the other poor spirits of misers cavort around him, wrapping him in their chains. Superb. Another 10.
Cratchit: The usual annoying Bob, content with his pathetic life. But a little less annoying. Have to admit he's a good singer too. Damn him. 8
Tiny Tim: Not too annoying, though he does sing. I notice that he walks without his crutch at one point. Still, not bad overall. 7
Others: The girl who is unnamed but whose father owes Scrooge is a sort of recurring character and she's played well. Say a 6 for her. Fred's okay but as usual doesn't figure enough in the story to be rated. I'd add a 4 for the trio of charitable gentlemen, who sing very well.
The Ghosts:
The Ghost of Christmas Past: Sexy as FUCK with superb legs, and she virtually does a pole dance around Scrooge's bed! Oh me heart! Great link with her being the lamplighter Scrooge refuses to help on Christmas Eve, and then her song is "The Lights of Long Ago." Got to be a 9
                     The Ghost of Christmas Present: Another character Scrooge briefly crossed paths with, a barker advertising a show. Could have done without the stage number though: pretty cringeworthy. There rest is ok, and there's Ignorance and Want, so that's good. 7
                     The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: This time it's the old blind woman Scrooge originally passed. She said he'd meet her again. Interesting that it's the first time the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come has a face, also she's dressed in white not black. The Gravediggers' dance is great but a lot of the scenes are a little rushed and pushed together. Still, I'd give her a solid 7.

Faithful to the novel: Mostly, but there are some real liberties taken with the story, such as Scrooge's father being sent to jail for debt, he himself never being reunited with Fan, and the only depiction I have ever seen of his mother. It doesn't show Scrooge in school, but in a factory, working. Also, Scrooge's lover is called Emily, not Belle. Ah crap! JLH can sing as well! I really hate her now. The idea of Scrooge refusing Fezziwig the loan that would save his business is clever too, though added to the novel. We also see a lot more of Marley, including his death. Oh God! Not dancing sailors! Please! Um, Fred seems to have a son? In fairness I can only give this a 5.
Emotion level: High enough, yes, say 7
Puke level: Zero
Horror level: Zero
Soundtrack: Superb. Of course, given that this is based on a stage play and is a musical, you would expect that, but to be honest it kicks the 1970 version's musical arse. Fantastic songs, well woven into the story, and just top rate all round. The link between the song "A Place Called Home" being sung first by Fan as she wishes for Scrooge's return home, then later by Emily is outstanding. No hesitation awarding this, too, the highest score. 10.

So that's a total of 97. With the stars added in that's another 20, but as The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come is played by Geraldine Chaplin, daughter of the silent movie comedy icon, that's got to be worth at least another 5. The idea of using existing characters for the ghosts works far better here than it did in Ross Kemp's version, so I'm giving a 10 for that.
That's a Grand Total of 132! I think that is the very highest yet, and it certainly deserves it. Phenomenal version! Hard to imagine anything beating that!

Now, I was supposed to view, against my better judgement, Barbie's Christmas Carol, but the only workable version I could find - other than those fuckers who tell you they have the full movie then direct you to their spam site - cunts - was one where whoever filmed it decided for some reason to do so at half-speed, so that ev-er-y one spoke ve-ry slow-ly and made the whole thing e-ven more of a strug-gle than it would have been, and extemded the damn thing to over two hours! Nearly two and a half! Fuck it: an hour would have been tough to get through, never mind two! Plus I fast-forwarded a little and what I saw made me glad I had decided to abandon the idea. So Barbie was sent on her way, and that then leaves us with one final version to check out:

Year: 2009
Medium: Colour (Animated)
Starring: Jim Carrey, Gary Oldman, Bob Hoskins, Colin Firth
Directed by: Robert Zemeckis
Length: 94 mins

Brief comments: Currently the last of the adaptations to be filmed, the 2009 version allowed Disney to employ all of the latest techniques in computer animation and CGI, allied to their almost limitless budget, and produce a film that far exceeded any of the previous ... oh no wait. It didn't. It's good, but it suffers from a few flaws. The animation is first class and the story is stuck to almost rigidly, but the writers can't resist throwing in some typical Disney wackiness and comic relief, though thankfully they stay away from cute animals and written-for-the-film songs. Not a bad version, to be fair, but far from the best.

CHARACTERS
Scrooge: Much as I dislike Jim Carrey, he is great in the role. The animated figure is perfect, a combination of nastiness and world-weariness, and Carrey voices him extremely well (he also voices other characters). For the animation I'd give an 8, for the voice an 8, so let's say an 8 then.
Marley: Here Disney really go to town on the special effects, and for the first time in a long time he's actually scary. Well played by Gary Oldman, who also voices Cratchit and his son. I'm glad to see they've realised, after all this time, that the scariest most horrible colour for a ghost is green. Ugh! A solid 8 for him.
Cratchit: Happy-go-lucky Bob annoys me as ever. He's okay but nothing special. 6
Tiny Tim: Not too annoying. Also voiced by Oldman. Say 5
Others: n/a
The Ghosts:
The Ghost of Christmas Past: Did not like this at all. Weird, flame-type creature whose head keeps separating from his body, and has an unnervingly thick Irish accent, which for some reason Carrey (who voices all the ghosts) thought was necessary. 4, and I'm being kind.
                     The Ghost of Christmas Present: Much better. The standard huge jolly figure, though now Carrey makes him a scouser! Laughs too much though, even laughing as he dies! The death scene is unexpeced and carried off very well, as are Want and Ignorance, the animation depicting them top drawer. Really, due to this I give him a 7
                     The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: Terrible. A shadow, literally. The scenes are good but why does Carrey get credit for voicing him when the spirit never speaks a single word? Also, why they suddenly decided to have Scrooge (shrunk, for some reason, to tiny proportions) chased by a ghostly carriage (a metaphor for the sins of his life bearing down on him perhaps?) and take up most of the sequence is beyond me. No, I thought the whoel thing was very poor. 2

Faithful to the novel: Almost slavishly so, almost word-for-word. Have to give it top marks for that. 10
Emotion level: Some, but it hadn't me blubbering. 7
Puke level: Zero
Horror level: Actually, due to the great animation of Marley and the depiction of Want and Ignorance in the Ghost of Christmas Present sequence, a pretty high 6
Soundtrack: Meh, standard Disney but you have to give them credit for not taking the path of writing songs for the movie. So, let's see, 5 sound OK?

Our total then is 68. Add the stars and that's another 20, and the animation deserves credit too, so let's say 10 for that. That's a Grand Total then of 98. Not bad.

But not anywhere near enough tobeat off Kelsey Grammer's version, which storms right into the second round.

Now we have our finalists, time to start start whittling them down, so that one way or another we'll have our answer to which is the greatest version of "A Christmas Carol". Stand by: it's gonna get bloody! I mean jolly! No, I mean bloody...

(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia.giphy.com%2Fmedia%2Fapufn3TLcTFAY%2Fgiphy.gif&hash=144fab7d1e50096fbb63058d042cb8d3d2c99c5f)

From the guys back at Music Banter, that's where! One thing you could rely on was that those lads and ladies would come up with the very weirdest of the weird in music, and Christmas made no difference. Here are some more of the ones they sent my way, ten or more years ago now.

"Blues Noel" (John Zorn) from I don't know, the guy has like 400 fucking albums!!!

Frownland was always going on about Zorn, and I know he mostly seems to concentrate in the jazz arena, so didn't expect to like this. But to be honest I don't know what to think: it starts with a sort of jam with a crowd in attendance, then becomes a jazz piano rag, then descends into some sort of experimental-y stuff, then back to piano, with some freaky bass, sleigh bells, then ... ah, hell! Listen to the YouTube! I can't describe this. Good though. Mostly.

Batty, not surprisingly, suggested a slew of Heavy Metal Christmas songs, but I did "Have yourself a Metal little Christmas" last year, and let's be honest: metal Christmas songs are just that, metal Christmas songs. They're not necessarily weird or strange. Halford, Snider, Lemmy and Dickinson can sing about Christmas all they want, but it does not make their songs weird. This, however, is another matter entirely.
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2Fthumb%2F9%2F9d%2FChristopherLee_revelation.jpg%2F330px-ChristopherLee_revelation.jpg&hash=da84845249aaa4a994d59e16d260bb9a233b335b)
"Little Drummer Boy" (Christopher Lee) from the album Revelation, 2006

Christopher Lee is of course best known for his phenomenal acting career, particularly playing the bad guy, so it's no surprise (well, it is, but not as much as it could have been) that when he decided to try his hand at music he would step into the Heavy Metal arena. This is from an album released in 2006 that includes metal versions of such standards as "My way", "Wanderin' star" (remember Lee Marvin, um, singing this?) and "Oh what a beautiful morning", but it also has this gem on it. This guy could teach some metal bands a thing or two! Class! Yeah. Unfortunately the only versions I can find are edited ones that seem to mix the two "sides" of the single, so you get bits of it and also "Silent Night". Great to hear, but I'd rather hear the full "Little drummer boy". Boo!  :(

This certainly qualifies as strange. Can't track down an album but it seems to be mostly screeching guitar and feedback noises with angry shouted voices: punk, one would assume. Not my thing but definitely Weird with a capital W!
"All I Got Was Clothes For Christmas" (The Happy Flowers)

Sorry people! Sorry! I tried to stop him, but his hired goons pushed me aside! I'm really sorry...

BAH! Out of the way, you! Thought you could keep me out, eh? Advantage ... Burns!
(https://media.tenor.com/eEQMloOHSG0AAAAM/simpsons-mr-burns.gif)
Oh hello! Yes. Thought you'd seen the last of me, I'll be bound, but you can't keep an old miser down you know! I should know: ten whacks it took to put my old boss in the ground. Well, I think he was dead. Oh pish posh! All corpses emit those moaning, groaning sounds. Any medical man will tell you that. Well, any medical man I pay off, that is.
(https://media.tenor.com/ny2kroyiSI4AAAAM/hi-everybody-simpsons.gif)

Excellent. That's that sorted, then. Now, where was I? Oh yes. I'm tired of all this tomfoolery about Christmas! Peace and love? Toleration for others? Goodwill to all men? My great-great-great-grand uncle Ebeneezer Burns would turn in his grave, if I hadn't already sold the plot for a high-rise carpark and shopping mall development! Really! It's time for some balance around here! Enough Santa Claus, it's time for Satan Claws. Oh ho ho, very droll yes, I see what my overpaid speechwriters did there. Most amusing, yes.
(https://i.postimg.cc/JhTJcL9r/xmasthsmall-BURNS.png)
So this section is going to be run by me, and there'll be no interference by that annoying Trollheart. What do you mean, post not approved? How dare you! Oh yes, I see: will that be enough? Ah, blast your hide to Hades then! You drive a hard bargain, my friend, but we shall see who'll have the last laugh. Time to put the boot in, as that delightful Hitler chap once put it. So go bring the car round and keep the engine running, Smithers, we're going to visit the neighbours, oh yes. What? No, we are NOT bringing them gifts! For the love of Peter...!

Oh, and that's another thing I want to hear none of in this section: laugher, especially that of children, cuts through me like a knife. I'll ensure there's no reason you should feel the need to laugh anyway.

So what is this about? Well you may ask.
(https://64.media.tumblr.com/6d9bc85d4cfa72b26a8a2e2362ed7907/tumblr_ojyitbNjvB1vbcnq8o1_500.gif)

Mister Burns! You have to tell them or nothing happens! Mister Burns! Sir! MISTER BURNS!!!

Wha - Who? Mater? No honestly, I didn't unplug your life support machine on purpose! I tripped - what? Oh, it's you Smithers. What is it? Oh yes, the plan. Right. Of course.


Smithers?

(https://i.pinimg.com/originals/32/9b/11/329b114551e857aa21ad550abb701c24.gif)
What IS the plan?

Oh, yes of course. Silly me. How forgetful of me. The plan. Well, the plan is to debunk some of these annoying Christmas songs we all hear screeching out of the wireless this time of year. Some of the lyrics are just preposterous! "Lonely this Christmas"? Let me tell you, when you get to my age it's lonely every Christmas! And that's just how I like it! "Rocking around the Christmas tree? Not in my mansion you don't, sonny! The only rocking you'll get it a large, heavy one dropped on you from the upper floor. Ah yes, the hounds have been released, why do you ask? Excellent.

So then, what to start off with? Well, I'm not one to speak ill of the dead, but since I have more than one foot in the grave as it is, I feel like I can be made the exception, and so let me present to you the first in this charming travelogue though the songs of Christmas. Burns style.
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2F0%2F04%2FXmas81.JPG&hash=9db80797a1c431eb04fa6c90d8a6c115d831a77d)
Ah, Lennon! You were always my favourite Russian ... what? Not THAT Lennon? Damn and blast it man! You're making me look foolish! To the Wikipedia page, post-haste!
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimages4.wikia.nocookie.net%2F__cb20080821205115%2Fsimpsons%2Fpt%2Fimages%2F8%2F88%2FMr._Burns_Car.jpg&hash=2899e48feb91e8ad2c71adb1da8790480ba9857b)
(Mister Burns will return momentarily. Until then, here is some music...)
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimages2.layoutsparks.com%2F1%2F108749%2Fmusic-notes-4-song.jpg&hash=7bb763f4f2512fd66a6d39ac5a169eafdb2dc14a)


Ah, I see. A Beatle. How jolly. I do so love those English pop stars with their unconventional haircuts and their entertaining accents. So, there were four of them eh? But this is just one. Fine, now go over there and sit down out of the way, will you? I'm trying to talk to the people!

"Happy Xmas, war is over" says John Lennon. Well, he may have hoped for that, but last time I checked the Afghans were still knocking the bejeebers out of each other, those charming Iraquis were blowing up everything in sight, and back here in the good ol' US of A we're still looking around for other countries to conquer. All right, invade. Oh blast your eyes man! Very well: render political assistance to. Is that pee-see enough for you? Heavens to betsy! It wasn't like this when Bush was in power! Now there was a man who knew how to get things done! Want to effect regime change? Orchestrate a terror attack in your own - ah, no, I've said too much. Forget I spoke. Oh look! A charming something over there in the corner, with absolutely no connection whatever to nine-eleven. Phew! Dodged a bullet there, Smithers!

So anyway, back to the Beatle chap. "War is over", he croaks, "If you want it." What? War is over if you want it? Want what, you hippie? War? Or war to be over? Well if it's the latter then surely you would say "war is over if you want it to be"? Pah! Comes from going to Liverpool Polytechnic, I suppose. Never see a Yale man make such a glaring error! Let's go a little further into this misinformed Christmas classic, shall we?

"And so this is Christmas", he warbles. Well, as that organ bank from sector 7G, er, er - Smithers! (Homer Simpson, sir) Ah thank you, yes. Homer Sampson would say, d'uh! (Simpson says d'oh Sir!) I know, damn and blast it man! I'm being ironic! We know it's Christmas, John! We don't need you to tell us that! What else does he witter on about? Let's see... ah yes. "For weak and for strong." Pfah! Christmas is a time for the strong, always has been. The strong get the last Robo-fighter-ninja-killer 4000, or whatever damn thing the little brats are looking for this year. The strong survive while the weak pass out or end up in soup kitchens, or fall asleep in front of "The sound of Music". Bah! What else?

"The near and the dear ones" - all my near and dear ones have been eliminated ah, passed on, with not a shred of evidence to link their murde - ah, untimely deaths, back to me. "The old and the young?" Now really! This is taking things too far! The old do NOT enjoy Christmas! Never have done! It's a time for screaming children playing with their annoying toys, usually left at the top of the stairs where vulnerable old men like me can trip over them and end up spending Christmas in the emergency room. Yes. I won't be inviting my grandchildren around to the mansion this year, I can tell you. Once is enough for something like that. Twice is quite enough. But after the ninth time, I think I've finally to put my foot down. Which is where the trouble began in the first place. Tax deductible expense my foot! Again, which is where the trouble began. Ho ho! No, not ho ho ho! Two "ho"s is all you get from me, my friends! You want more you can pay some fat fellow to wear a red suit! Ah, but I digress, for the sake of humour. LAUGH, you proles! What do you think I'm paying you for? What? You're not getting paid? Just as well. Wait! Where are you all going??

Oh well, may as well finish this confounded thing. So the last lines are "War is over now." Let me just turn on the news and see - no, no. Seems war is still going on, most parts of the world. What? No, that helicopter gunship did NOT bear the crest of Burns Chemical and Biological Weapons Corporation on it! Where did you get that idea? Ah, the amount of times people have said that to me ... oh you must be mixing that up with Burns Orphan and Needy Relief Corporation! Yes yes, that helicopter is going to the orphanage in, um, Sierra Leone, to deliver, um, ammunition belts to the children. What? Do you know how few children in that part of the world get to even SEE quality American weaponry? Unless it's being used against them. They should be grateful! What? Of course it's live ammunition! Do you think I'd let my helicopter pilots face the forces of rebel - er, visit children in hospital - without live ammunition oh dear was that the door? Excuse me just one moment.

(The sounds of clumping feet, the screech of car tyres, a slamming door and the sound of a retreating car engine receding down the driveway all indicate that Mister Burns may have had to leave to attend an important meeting, but Smithers is here to explain.)

Um, sorry about that, readers. Mr Burns had to attend a very important and sudden stockholders meeting and will not be back for a while. He texted me though and assured me that - let me just read that - KILL EVERYONE LEAVE NO WITNESSES - er, I think what he meant to say was that he will be back with a look at another Christmas favourite soon - ah here's the correct message - SCORCHED EARTH. CODE RED. PRIORITY ALPHA. Hmm, probably reading too much Tom Clancy. Well, I must go now. Please remain where you are, someone will be along to show you out. Hmm? No, no, just locking the door as a security protocol. No, I can't smell any gas. Must just be you... gotta go!
(https://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m0si2hdtxI1qh59n0o1_500.gif)

On the very eve of Christmas, it behooves me to once again wish you to
Have Yourself a Metal Little Chrismas!

Remember, if it's too loud, um, turn it down.

(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2Fthumb%2Fd%2Fd0%2FThe_Expedition_cover.jpg%2F220px-The_Expedition_cover.jpg&hash=5aa395ccd2bde49c3d0836bdf8559e118496a10a)

We Three Kings - Kamelot - from the live album The Expedition, 2000

Although included on the live album released by progressive metal giants Kamelot at the turn of the millennium, this version of the old Christmas Carol is actually taken from extra material recorded during the sessions for their 1998 album, Siege Perilous. It's all instrumental, mostly on guitar, and includes sections from "God rest ye merry gentlemen" too, making it something of a Christmas medley from Kamelot. Seriously, if you want a Christmas-flavoured metal song, or a metal-flavoured Christmas song, you can't go much wrong with this!


Although the US metallers would not immediately be seen as having any sort of links to Christianity, they do explore similar themes in the double-concept albums Epica and The Black Halo, and have certainly alluded to religious themes on some of their other works. Plus it probably just seemed cool to do it, though given that the concerts The Expedition is recorded from were in August, it must have sounded a little weird to be playing it live at that point. Great song though.


(https://i.discogs.com/xS1sr_G534kNpWqm7OcBVIbbZnuKn_lMHc-Za9bphe8/rs:fit/g:sm/q:90/h:300/w:297/czM6Ly9kaXNjb2dz/LWRhdGFiYXNlLWlt/YWdlcy9SLTQ5NjQz/MjItMTQyODE5MDc5/MS01NzU0LmpwZWc.jpeg)

Silent Night - Manowar - 2007, special release

From a limited Christmas Edition CD single, of which only 666 copies were released (see what they did there?) it's Batlord's favourites doing a traditional Christmas hymn. How could you not like it? Yes, the "Kings of Metal" themselves, Manowar, treat us to a version of "Silent Night" - a particularly inappropriate phrase to describe their power metal - and really do a very good job on it. It's restrained at the beginning, pumping up in that powerful, almost orchestral and dramatic way Manowar do so well as it kicks in properly, with a very powerful vocal from Eric Adams which even so doesn't go over the top.

More to the point, Manowar are respectful of the hymn, failing to jazz it up (or metal it up, as it were) and playing it quite reservedly and reverentially, accepting it is a well-known and loved classic Christmas tune. They manage to put their own inimitable stamp on it, without taking it over, which is not an easy thing to do. And finally, when they released this in December 2007, they gave it away free as a download. How's that for a Christmas present? Nice one, lads!
And a very happy Christmas to you too!


(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2Fthumb%2Ff%2Ff7%2FSantacausealbum.jpg%2F220px-Santacausealbum.jpg&hash=9833394be48c5afc922254eaa700c7b043e06f50)


Do They Know it's Christmas? - Far, featuring Chris Moreno - A Santa Cause: It's a Punk Rock Christmas Vol I(2003)

Following in the footsteps of the Band Aiders almost twenty years previous, Far teamed up with Deftones singer Chino Moreno to record this cover version for the charity album mentioned above, which gave part of its proceeds to the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation, a worthy cause if ever there was one. I don't know much about Far, but apparently they are now broken up and came from Sacramento.
It's a decent version, with some nice riffs and Moreno's distinctive screaming in the fadeout of the chorus. Still, it's better than listening to Paul Young and Bono! Who says punks don't care?

(https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQtah6rfFpJuUY5ZZdr0rsEbon3_LVsg7SOgw&s)
No Presents for Christmas - King Diamond - originally a standalone single, 1985 but rereleased on Fatal Portrait 1986

Released as the first single from The King since Mercyful Fate broke up, this also found its way onto his debut album, hence the two release years above. It starts off, lulling the unsuspecting listener into a false sense of security if they don't know what to expect, with a tinny keyboard rendition of "Jingle bells" segueing into "I saw mommy kissing Satan, sorry Santa Claus" before it bursts into a high-powered metal rocket ride, with the King singing at the top of his range.
Pretty good really, and it even ends in a keyboard instrumental of "Rudolph the red nosed reindeer", with a short vocal of "White Christmas" before King D kicks his way out the door with a maniacal laugh. Good fun really, but poor old Noddy Holder must be turning in his grave.

What? He's not dead? You sure? Ah. I see. Excuse me just one moment, I have to make an urgent telephone call. Hello? Taxi, yes, and hurry. Liverpool Cemetery. Quick as you can mate: it's an emergency...

(https://i.postimg.cc/QVZBzBkf/scroogeth.png)
(https://media.tenor.com/cZ_8ynUgFzAAAAAe/frink-professor-frink.png)

Let the boring calculations begin!

So now we have seven finalists, time to start cutting them down. Although each of these movies arrived here by virtue of achieving a higher score than the other two it was paired with, and some of those scores were impressively high, all that's in the past now and those high scores count for nothing. Everyone starts with a totally blank state, with no reference back to previous high scores, or scores, indeed, that just allowed them to scrape through. Here it's all about a new day, and we begin really testing the movies to see how they fare against each other: the best of the best, as it were. These, then, are the finalists:
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2Fthumb%2F3%2F30%2FScrooge1935_icon.jpg%2F440px-Scrooge1935_icon.jpg&hash=ac7aec75cecc683fcd9efb26fe036c77e1e4d5d3)
1935 version starring Seymour Hicks. Black and white. First version with sound. Scored a total of 64 first time out.
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2Fd%2Fd0%2FMagooChristmas.jpg&hash=e2145abf78c2e91293156bcf8c7433e94a5cf32d)
"Mister Magoo's Christmas Carol". Animated colour version, first animated version, 1962. Scored 70 in the first round.
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2Fe%2Fe9%2FScrooge1970Film.jpg&hash=e7d3a6b0af6f6ab659957854b3d16c0d12032199)
Scrooge, 1970 musical version starring Albert Finney. First live-action musical. Scored 91 originally.
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2F9%2F9f%2FAchristmascarol.jpg&hash=bd4363f19f00f10094b64c8db836f9f6486dbb3d)
1984 version starring George C. Scott. Scored a total of 95.
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2F9%2F95%2FMuppet_christmas_carol.jpg&hash=cdfd89c32e5af886666d4ec75c43fa3c1093357c)
The Muppet Christmas Carol. Hilarious but strangely accurate version of the story from 1992. Scored 102, highest score to that point. But then came
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2Fa%2Fa1%2FScrooged_film_poster.JPG&hash=1829a03b1763b28b2eb2bb4152fb445730c80559)
Scrooged, Bill Murray's comedy 1988 masterpiece. This cleared the boards, hitting a total score of 121, and setting a new record. Finally,
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2F9%2F9d%2FChristmasCarol2004.jpg&hash=68ad869f2768391ef0468bbb32fb46d6acd60463)
Kelsey Grammer's musical masterpiece swept all before it, and booked its place as the last finalist with a total score of 132.

There can be seen a clear progression here. Good as some of the original versions were, the lack of effects, music and in the beginning somewhat simplistic or at least literal interpretations led to the original scores being quite low, if the highest in that particular class, while as technology progressed, bigger names came on board and the idea of twisting or retelling the story slightly - or in some cases, totally - became popular, the scores increased exponentially. Which may be why Grammer's 2004 version has the highest score of all.

Anyway, time for these titans of the Scrooge Showdown to face each other. Not surprisingly, we'll start off with characterisation, so who is the best Scrooge? Rather than awarding marks out of 10 this time, we'll issue each film's character with a mark from 1 to 7, as there are seven versions, but these will work backwards, as in, the best Scrooge gets number 1, the worst (of these) 7. The same then will be done with the other major characters.

Rather than draw this out longer than necessary, and as I've already made my comments about each character and facet in the individual entries on each film, I'm just going to score them here.
Scrooge: 1935 (3 ), 1962 (5 ), 1970 (2 ), 1984 (7 ), 1988 (6 )1992 (4 ), 2004 (1 )
Marley: 1935 (7 ), 1962 (5 ), 1970 (1 ), 1984 (3 ), 1988 (6 )1992 (6 ), 2004 (2 )
Bob Cratchit: 1935 (7 ), 1962 (6 ), 1970 (3 ), 1984 ( 1), 1988 (5 )1992 (2 ), 2004 (4 )
Tiny Tim: 1935 ( 6), 1962 (3 ), 1970 (5 ), 1984 (7), 1988 (4 )1992 (1 ), 2004 (2 )
Others (if any): 1935 ( ), 1962 ( ), 1970 ( 5), 1984 (4 ), 1988 (2 )1992 (1 ), 2004 (3 )
The  Ghost of Christmas Past: 1935 ( ), 1962 ( 3), 1970 (5 ), 1984 (4 ), 1988 (2 )1992 (6 ), 2004 (1 )
The Ghost of Christmas Present: 1935 (7 ), 1962 (6 ), 1970 (4 ), 1984 (2 ), 1988 (1 )1992 (3 ), 2004 (5 )
The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: 1935 ( ), 1962 (6 ), 1970 (4 ), 1984 (5 ), 1988 (2 )1992 (3 ), 2004 (1 )

So, on characters alone, we have the following finalists:
2004, with 6 top three showings out of eight categories, three of which are number ones.
1992, with four top three showings, two of which are number ones
and
1988, with four top three showings, one of which is a number one.

So those would be our finalists, were this only about characterisation. But though the story is famous for its characters, we judge the movies on more than that, and so on to the second category, which is, how true are all seven movies to the novel?

1935 (2 ), 1962 (5 ), 1970 (4 ), 1984 (3 ), 1988 (7 )1992 (1 ), 2004 (6 )

So now we see a change. Whereas some of the finalists excelled in depicting the characters, they often don't do so well when you look at the actual story and how true they stayed to it. Kelsey Grammer's 2004 version, kicking the crap out of the competition up to now, and three times at the very top, slides almost down to the bottom here and is not even considered, whereas Kermit and the boys, a strong contender with characterisation and one of the expected final three, keeps up the pressure here, coming in at number one. A late runner is the 1935 version, doing well but already out of the race due to its not making it into the characterisation category finals, while Albert Finney's 1970 version, a favourite in the scoring above, falls outside the top three.

Ah, but then the question needs to be asked: did any changes in the storyline benefit or detract from the movie? Well, let's see.

The one furthest down the ladder, Scrooged, is so because really, at its heart, the film is not a true depiction of the novel, so I can't really add anything to that and it must remain where it is, with a score of 7, the lowest possible.

Just above that, at 6, Grammer's 2004 version added and changed bits but to be honest they made good sense. Scrooge's father being sent to jail for unpaid debts gave his son a reason to ensure he would never end up like that, and the idea of him working rather than being at school at that age fits in too. His never being reunited with his sister works too and the idea of him being the only thing standing between his former boss and bankruptcy is a clever twist. In fact, the only thing that doesn't work is the fact that Fred appears to have a son. I can see no reason for this, but other than that everything they changed works.

The rest of them are pretty faithful to the novel, so if I were to move anyone it would be Grammer's and as the one above him has no real flaws in this area I can't do that in all good conscience. So basically everyone remains where they are. That means that in terms of this category our finalists are: 1992, 1935 and 1984.

Emotion Level: 1935 (6), 1962 (7 ), 1970 (5 ), 1984 (4), 1988 (3 )1992 (1 ), 2004 (2 )

Leaving us with finalists as 1992, 1988 and 2004

Puke Level: As none of the finalists had a Puke Level at all, other than maybe the 1935 one, I'm going to declare this a no-score draw and move on to

Horror Level: 1935 (1 ), 1962 ( ), 1970 (2 ), 1984 (3 ), 1988 ( )1992 ( ), 2004 ( )
Nothing much to choose here. Most versions had very little actual horror, but based on what I wrote I find that we have as finalists 1935, 1984 and 1970

Our final category, before we total up, is
Soundtrack: 1935 (7 ), 1962 (5 ), 1970 (2 ), 1984 (6 ), 1988 (6 )1992 (3 ), 2004 (1 )
Which then gives us 2004, 1992 and 1970.

So, of all those categories, who featured in the most, and how high were they in each? Let's check.
1935=2
1962=0
1970=2
1984=2
1988=5, one of which was a number 1
1992=7, 4 of which were number 1s
2004=8, 4 of which were number 1s

That clearly gives us three front runners in
1988, 1992 and 2004, but as we only need two, then 1988's "Scrooged" lags badly behind with five top three nominations but only one of them being a number one.

Our final top two then are
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2F9%2F95%2FMuppet_christmas_carol.jpg&hash=cdfd89c32e5af886666d4ec75c43fa3c1093357c)
The 1992 Muppet Christmas Carol
and
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2F9%2F9d%2FChristmasCarol2004.jpg&hash=68ad869f2768391ef0468bbb32fb46d6acd60463)
Kelsey Grammer's 2004 musical.

So it's Muppets versus humans, musical versus musical, nineties versus two thousands, twentieth century versus twenty-first and cute and funny versus clever and powerful. Who will win, and be crowned the top version of A Christmas Carol ever committed to screen?
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.photolabels.co%2Fimages%2Fimages.theage.com.au%2F2010%2F12%2F31%2F2114612%2Fkelsey_grammer_420-420x0.jpg&hash=20188b0555180b6bbc967b1769c3435b0e411fe7)(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg3.wikia.nocookie.net%2F__cb20101015155335%2Fmuppet%2Fimages%2F6%2F60%2FKermit3.jpg&hash=b88228311441bfa0a07674ecffddbc6dc44debad)
Can you call it? Cos I sure can't!

I've memorized every line of The Muppet Christmas Carol. As someone who never watches movies, this is one of my special exceptions. I've spent the past week watching one Muppet Christmas special each night, and ceremoniously concluded Christmas Eve with this beloved film.

AN IMPORTANT NOTE - in December of 2022, in celebration of the film's 30th anniversary, the song, "When Love Is Gone" was once again placed back into the movie on Disney Plus under the heading "The Muppet Christmas Carol: Uncut Version." The song "When Love Is Gone" is included in most TV versions but was originally cut as test audience children got a little figity during the slow number. But the song is crucial as it is resolved at the conclusion of the film with "When Love Is Found."

Also noteworthy, the soundtrack for the film was issued on vinyl only once back in 2018, and everyone who bought it held onto it dearly. No copies ever appeared on eBay and only one single copy ever resurfaced on Discogs, for $99. So when I heard that it was being reissued in a limited run in the UK in 2021, I didn't hesitate for a moment. I'm glad I acted quickly, as multiple copies of the new pressing instantly appeared for pre-order on eBay the next morning and sold for $188.88 each.

I was so happy to add that musical treasure to my vinyl library.

Happy holidays, everyone.

You'll be rootin' for the frog then! Well, I know how this turns out as it's a repeat of a special I did way back in 2014 I think, but I won't give it away. All will be revealed tomorrow.
(https://media.istockphoto.com/id/521291215/photo/present-question.jpg?s=612x612&w=0&k=20&c=Tu_UJfM3b0mmaGLHUVlv3QjDwo37gsSjFTqBFQe8MC0=)
Thanks for dropping by, and a very Happy Christmas to you too, ISB.

MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL!
(https://media4.giphy.com/media/qn250FW0F0Mp53NKkI/giphy.gif?cid=6c09b952nsvp64zai6al9x5s05dfrswrted9i2bxv5axso50&ep=v1_gifs_search&rid=giphy.gif&ct=g)
Yes, it's the Big Day and here I am, still working away on my thread. Well, there's still a lot to do. So maybe I oughta just quit jawin' and get writin', you say, waving a turkey bones at me from that nice comfy chair by the fire, too stuffed to move after consuming your Christmas dinner.

Reckon you're right. Let's get going with another selection of
(https://i.postimg.cc/52vY8mJD/25worst2a.png)

(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.trollheart.com%2F25worst2a.png&hash=58010cd88ee1cbc14d3426330c9cd2d0ced6aeca)
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2Fthumb%2F4%2F4f%2FJackson5-ChristmasAlbum.jpg%2F220px-Jackson5-ChristmasAlbum.jpg&hash=428eb2900f7e84ff3d89055d048e5b89ed91ac20)
The Christmas Album - Jackson 5 - 1970 (Motown)


Proving that even back in the seventies, pop artists were putting out Christmas albums, this was in fact - perhaps surprisingly given their appeal and fame - the only Christmas album put out by Micheal Jackson and family, though it was reissued twice, once in 2003 and again in 2009, with slight changes. NOT surprisingly, it features Michael's vocals heavily, as he was already being groomed for solo stardom and would in fact release his first solo album two years later, setting him on a path to superstar status and indeed controversy,

The album? Well it's fairly standard, by today's yardstick of course, but back then it was probably considered innovative and different. The album eventually went on to sell over three million copies, and yielded the Jackson 5 a hit single with their version of "Santa Claus is coming to town." It also features an original song, written by The Corporation, Motown's big-gun songwriters, among whom were Berry Gordy, founder and supremo of Motown Records, as well as a cover of Stevie Wonder's "Someday at Christmas", and one of the oldest Christmas songs known to exist, the nineteenth-century "Up on the housetop", perhaps the first song to propose the idea of Santa landing his sleigh on the roof of a house.

TRACKLISTING

1. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
2. Santa Claus Is Coming to Town
3. The Christmas Song
4. Up on the Housetop
5. Frosty the Snowman
6. The Little Drummer Boy
7. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
8. Christmas Won't Be the Same This Year
9. Give Love on Christmas Day
10. Someday at Christmas
11. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.trollheart.com%2F25worst2a.png&hash=58010cd88ee1cbc14d3426330c9cd2d0ced6aeca)
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fecx.images-amazon.com%2Fimages%2FI%2F51f-VXDFzCL._SL500_AA300_.jpg&hash=6fdaa227e3ec6622217ad05ae3af4159a693ee73)
A Very Ally Christmas - Vonda Shepard/Cast - 2000 (Epic)

Ever get into a show on TV and suddenly end up realising you hate it after all? I thought Ally McBeal was really quite cute until about halfway through I think the second season, when I realised just what a whiny little biyatch she was, and how annoying just about everyone around her was. That was the end of my association with Flockhart and her bunch, though I must admit I did like Vonda Shepard's theme tune to the series. No surprise, then, that when the Christmas CD from the show came out in 2000 it would be mostly Shepard's baby.
There is involvement (sadly) from the cast though, (egos like those are never left at the door) and so we have Callista "Ally" Flockhart painfully trying to sound sexy on "Santa baby" (and failing miserably), Lisa Nicole Cannon's really weird "Santa got stuck up my chimney" (please keep your sexual proclivities to yourself, young lady!) and even Jane Krakowski singing TWO songs, "Run Rudolph run" and "I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus", the latter of which, given the character and actress's age is just creepy and wrong.

There's an attempt to rescue things by the great Robert Downey Jnr and his rendition of Joni Mitchell's "River" shines through this like a jewel in a pigsty, but it's not enough and the rest of the album is so-so Christmas fare like you'd expect, with "Let it snow", "White Christmas" and my favourite, "Silver bells", plus Macy Grey getting unnecessarily involved in "Winter wonderland". Gaah!

TRACKLISTING

1. This Christmas
2. The Man With the Bag
3. Please Come Home for Christmas
4. Silver Bells
5. Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow
6. Winter Wonderland - Macy Gray
7. Run, Rudolph, Run - Jane Krakowski
8. Santa Claus Got Stuck in My Chimney - Lisa Nicole Carson
9. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus - Jane Krakowski
10. Santa Baby - Calista Flockhart
11. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
12. River - Robert Downey Jr.
13. White Christmas
14. What Are You Doing New Year's Eve

(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2Fthumb%2Fd%2Fd2%2FUltimateXCover.jpg%2F220px-UltimateXCover.jpg&hash=dd7bdf6597059428055b57649ec1982bffdd739b)
Ultimate Christmas  - The Beach Boys - 1998 (Capitol)

Whether you see it as the title above or the later-released Christmas with The Beach Boys - essentially exactly the same album, released six years later and with one track removed - there can't be anyone you would tend to associate Christmas with less. The Beach Boys have an image of, and sing about, sun, surfing, babes, beaches, all that sort of stuff that takes place under the hot bright California sunshine. So to hear them singing Christmas songs, song about snow and winter and mulled wine and what have you - well, it just seems weird.
It's a damn huge album too, containing a total of nineteen tracks, twenty-six if you include all the remixes, alternate versions and Christmas messages. It's pretty much a collection of every Christmas song the Beach Boys ever recorded, and I guess to their credit there's very little on the album that's not one of their own original compositions. If you're a fan you'll know the likes of "Little Saint Nick", "The man with all the toys" and "Merry Christmas baby". I'm not a fan - can't stand them personally, and this record does nothing for me. To rub salt into the wounds they include a cover from another of my least favourite artists, Elvis, whose "Blue Christmas" they do a passable version of.

I guess it's fun, but really, it all comes across as a little silly and hard to take seriously. Songs about winter fires and snow falling, snowmen and cold nights are all just a little out of place when you know the guys went surfing after recording these songs. Baby it's cold outside? Not for these guys, I'll wager.

TRACKLISTING

1. Little Saint Nick
2. The Man with All the Toys
3. Santa's Beard
4. Merry Christmas, Baby
5. Christmas Day
6. Frosty the Snowman
7. We Three Kings of Orient Are
8. Blue Christmas
9. Santa Claus Is Coming to Town
10. White Christmas
11. I'll Be Home for Christmas
12. Auld Lang Syne
13. Little Saint Nick
14. Auld Lang Syne
15. Little Saint Nick
16. Child of Winter (Christmas Song)
17. Santa's Got An Airplane
18. Christmas Time Is Here Again
19.Winter Symphony
20. (I Saw Santa) Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree
21. Melekalikimaka (aka "Kona Christmas")
22. Bells of Christmas
23. Morning Christmas
24. Toy Drive Public Service Announcement
25. Dennis Wilson Christmas Message
26. Brian Wilson Christmas Interview

(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2Fthumb%2Fd%2Fd8%2FChristmas_-_Chris_Isaak.jpg%2F220px-Christmas_-_Chris_Isaak.jpg&hash=4503656955bdcaeab0b726553d1a284594e54555)
Christmas - Chris Isaak - 2004 (Reprise)

Name one Chris Isaak record OTHER THAN "Wicked game". Go on, bet you can't. Well, maybe you can if you know his music better than I, but like a lot of people that one single is how I know the guy, and only that. His rise to fame seems to have been a happy (for him) accident really, when a local radio DJ pushed his vocal version of the theme from one of David Lynch's movies, and from there his career took off, with his own radio show and acting parts as well as ten albums (not including this), the latest of which broke the US top ten but didn't do so well over here.

So of course, he was going to release a Christmas album, wasn't he? I mean, really: who buys these things? Who would even think of purchasing one as a present? I got you the new Chris Isaak Christmas album. Chris Rea? Er, no. Chris de Burgh? Errgh! NO! Well it's hardly going to be greeted with open arms, is it? Anyway, our Chris decides he's not just going to play and sing his own favourite songs from the festive period, oh no! No Lionel Ritchie, he! Not for him the safe path to commercial success at Xmas. He decides to write his own songs and mix them in with some Christmas standards. So alongside "Blue Christmas", "White Christmas", "Have youself a merry little Christmas" and "Let it snow", we get five original Chris Isaak Chrismas songs (Chris-mas Isaaks? Sorry...), including the frankly terrible "Gotta be good" (a song that does not take its own advice) and the not much better "Hey Santa!"
He also covers The Beach Boys's "Mekki" ... "Mellik ..." "Makki..." - Oh, you know the one! I'm not spelling THAT one out again! - and Willie Nelson's "Pretty paper", as well as throwing in "Auld lang syne" at the end. The album cover shows him in a car with a Christmas tree on the roof, but does not slow the rest of the picture, where he's hauling a trailer full of cash for having recorded this affront to the holiday season.

TRACKLISTING

1. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
2. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
3. Santa Claus Is Coming to Town
4. Washington Square
5. Blue Christmas
6. The Christmas Song
7. Hey Santa!
8. Let It Snow
9. Christmas on TV
10. Pretty Paper
11. White Christmas
12. Mele Kalikimaka
13. Brightest Star
14. Last Month of the Year
15. Gotta Be Good
16.Auld Lang Syne

(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2Fthumb%2F9%2F92%2FMCWL_clay_low_res.jpg%2F220px-MCWL_clay_low_res.jpg&hash=a1c89b0dce7c0574d579f8848d010c711c24cef3)
Merry Christmas with Love - Clay Aiken - 2004 (RCA)

God, they just keep coming, don't they? Perennial runner-up to American Idol Clay Aiken had to have his stab at the Christmas market too, and this only his second album! Of course, the American public (and, I'm sure, many millions of his fans outside the States) ate it up, as you would expect, but really, it's just taking the michael, I feel. Oh well.

Apart from the usual fodder, it's at least interesting in that it features two cover versions of songs by Christian contemporary artists, both of which were written approximately twenty years prior to this album, with Mark Lowry's "Mary, did you know" while Sandy Patti's contribution forms the title track of the album. There's a medley of "Hark! The Herald Angels sing" and "Come all ye faithful", and one of my other Christmas favourites, Spector's "Sleigh ride", but then Celine Dion's "Don't save it all for Christmas Day" brings things back to earth with a bump, while the intensely annoying and smug "What are you doing New Year's Eve" closes proceedings.
I suppose you'd have to say that it was maybe a bold move, making only your second album a Christmas one. Certainly paid off for Aiken, who I have developed a little more respect for after seeing him as a finalist on Donald Trumps's Apprentice show. But the problem here is that the high album sales - two million copies sold worldwide as of 2010 - must surely have been down in very large part to American Idol fans, and really, those are the sort of people who would buy a turd if it had Clay Aiken's name and face on it.

Although maybe that's not being fair. To turds.

TRACKLISTING

1. O Holy Night
2. Winter Wonderland
3. Silent Night
4. Medley: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing/O Come All Ye Faithful
5. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
6. Mary, Did You Know?
7. Joy to the World
8. The Christmas Song
9. Don't Save It All for Christmas Day
10. Merry Christmas with Love
11. Sleigh Ride
12. What Are You Doing New Year's Eve?

Well, looks like we made it. Sure, we have to squeeze two in on the one day, but we've been doing that since I began this thread. So, on the last day, as it were, the twelfth, let's finish off
(https://i.postimg.cc/QtRVBBPj/cartoonxmas1.jpg)
(https://i.ytimg.com/vi/r1toLCnN198/hqdefault.jpg)
Episode title: Dreaming of a White Porsche Christmas
Series: American Dad
Season: 12
Written by: Brian Boyle
First transmitted: December 1 2014

We have the same writer that gave us the rather superior "The Greatest Christmas Story Never Told", so there's hope, there's hope. Jealous of the footloose and fancy-free (and, one would assume, Francine-free - sorry) life that Principal Lewis leads, and hassled by his family to sort out Christmas, Stan wishes that his life was different and that he had Lewis's life. He says this as he places a plastic angel - one he has not seen before, and got from Roger's room - on the top of the tree. The next morning, his family is gone, there are sexy pictures of women all over the house, his tree has been replaced by, well, something in a bucket with a beer bottle on top, and there's a white Porsche in his garage!

His shock doesn't last long, and he and Roger go on the tear, but when he heads to Lewis to check out some pointers on how to be single, he is gobsmacked to see that the Principal now has his family! He's married to Francine, and has a little black Steve and a little black Hayley. Well, he wished for Lewis's life, and got it, and now Lewis has his life. Seems fair. Stan doesn't think so though. After believing he can just undo the wish, pretending he's learned a lesson when Roger tells him that might be part of the deal, he does what Stan always does: overreacts and takes his, I mean Lewis's family hostage. The CIA soon turn up, as Lewis now has Stan's job too, and Francine, seeing her chance to escape, pretends she believes Stan, who then lets her go to "explain to the CIA". Rather stupidly (though Stan has never been a great thinker anyway) he lets her take the kids too. With no hostages left, it's clear for the Agency to take him down.

Before they can though he drives off in the Porsche, and heads for Suicide Bridge. As he jumps, the CIA riddle him with bullets. And as he lies on the ground, smashed, full of holes and bleeding, they riddle him some more. As he begins to die, an angel appears and tells him that he has learned his lesson and may go back to his family, but it is not his family but another one. The angel tells him this is the kind of family he's been wishing for, being so disappointed with both his son and daughter, and dismissive of Francine, so he now has the sort of family he deserves and wants. But Stan wants his old family back. He meets Roger, who doesn't seem to know him as well as he should, but when he explains to him about his alternate life, Roger agrees to help Stan. He must make a wish, and place the angel on the tree. He does, as Stan holds on to his backside, as Roger did when Stan wished, which was why he ended up in the alternate reality with his friend.

Unfortunately, in every reality Roger is a selfish, stupid, self-centred narcissist, and he wishes for a white Porsche, which he gets, but which has now wasted his only wish. Stan is now stuck in this reality. His last chance is to get his new wife, Mary (oh come on! Mary Christmas? Didn't they make the tired old joke in Family Guy?) to wish she had never married him, but she is intractable, even when Stan rams Roger's Porsche through the house. Finally though he hits upon her Achilles' Heel: he criticises her homekeeping. She takes the angel, makes the wish and Stan is back, happy never to be single again, back with his own family.

Notes

While again so many Christmas specials rely on versions of A Christmas Carol or It's A Wonderful Life - this on the latter - they can really use the device differently, and here we see, not Stan's world without him, but basically Stan without his world. Fed up with his family and contemptuous of their desires he learns to appreciate them by being deprived of them. It's hardly original but it works well. The idea of Roger being dragged along because he was feeling Stan's butt as he placed the angel on the tree is clever, and completely consistent with what we know of Roger, and it's interesting to see wildman Lewis settle down with Francine. Not so good to see Hayley and Steve as little black kids, but there you go. Quite funny too when Stan runs into his new kitchen to ask Klaus what's going on and realises he's just an ordinary fish. "The fish doesn't talk!" he gasps. "What kind of Twilight Zone world am I in?"

You may disagree - I'm sure many do - but I don't like Patrick Stewart's character, so it's no fun for me to see him heading the CIA rescue force, though thankfully he's not in the episode for long. The overkill as Stan goes off the bridge is funny, though perhaps stretched a little when they continue shooting him as he lies on the ground dying. When they all walk off whistling "Deck the Halls" though it does kind of bring a smile to my face. It's a good double-bluff, too, when the angel appears and tells Stan he has learned his lesson, and we think everything will go back to normal, but it doesn't. Also good when Roger wastes his wish. To be honest, Francine is hot, but I'd stay with that other wife if I were Stan. Rowr!

It always slightly disturbs me though the way death is treated so casually in both Seth's series. I know (shut up, I know) it's only a cartoon but I wonder does it contribute even in a small way to the desensitisation of kids towards violence? I mean, we see Principal Lewis run over two people as he hares into the Smiths' driveway, and nothing is said. Roger froths up a bottle of soda and causes two young girls to crash into a tree, and then they destroy a petrol station and nothing is said. It's funny, yes, but is it overly or unnecessarily violent? Family Guy, to its small credit, doesn't tend to focus so much on the violence, but American Dad certainly does. I just wonder if it's appropriate in a Christmas episode? But then of course I thoroughly enjoyed "For Whom the Sleigh Bell Tolls", and you couldn't get more violent than that. Still, that was a battle, and you could see it as necessary or at least justified violence.

Good to see they actually made an effort with the Christmas titles this time. No special song a la Simpsons but they have Stan wearing a Christmas-themed pouch (um,yeah) and the words American Dad are fashioned from Candy Canes. Also, all the characters are wearing Christmas jumpers, antlers or other items and Roger is dressed, in Stan's car, as the crucified Jesus, something I would have thought they would have done before this. That or Santa. At the end there's a Christmas song, so it's a lot more geared towards the festive season than previous ones, even the aforementioned "For Whom the Sleigh Bell Tolls" was.

Stan's arrogance is always annoying, his belief that he is right no matter what, and it's gratifying to see him taken down a peg or two; we wonder if he has learned his lesson, then remember this is Stan Smith we're talking about. Of course he hasn't. But for now it seems he appreciates his family, and I guess that's as good as it gets. Overall a very satisfying episode, and enjoyable to watch. Well written, well thought out, well resolved. Well done, Mr. Boyle. We look forward to other efforts by you.

The time has come, the time to find out which of the many versions we've looked at, now that we're down to just two, will take the title and win
(https://i.postimg.cc/sg9Hfqx2/scroogethfinal.png)


So we're left with two finalists, as both The Muppet Christmas Carol and Kelsey Grammer's Christmas Carol: The Musical fought off all comers to land a place in the top two, and now we have to decide who will become the ultimate version of the story committed to the screen? As we have done up to now, we'll begin with characterisation.

Scrooge
Muppets: Well, as fine an actor as Michael Caine is, and well enough though he plays the part I feel he was always, as any live actor will be, going to have to play second fiddle to the Muppets themselves. So while he gives us a great performance it's often that our attention is elsewhere, as Kermit or Fozzy or even Gonzo divert it, and the whole idea of Scrooge being the central character is a little subverted here.

Grammer: On the other hand, Grammer's performance, on a par certainly with Caine's, has him in centre shot every scene almost, and if we're not appreciating his acting we're delighted by his singing. He drives the movie, as Scrooge should, and our attention is hardly ever taken away from him.

So on this evidence, Grammer gets this easily. 1-0 to Kelsey Grammer's 2004 version

Marley
Muppets: Much as I like Stadtler and Waldorf, and their song is funny, I just can't get my head around the blatant changing of the storyline to allow for two Marleys. It's a step too far.

Grammer: And although I don't like Seinfeld, I must admit Jason Alexander plays his part really well, good effects and the danse macabre fits in perfectly with the song. A little overlong perhaps, but streets ahead of the two Marleys.

So again, it's 2-0 to Grammer here.

Cratchit
Muppets: It's Kermit, so how can you vote against him?

Grammer: Really, nothing special at all. Muppets take this round without even breaking a sweat (do Muppets sweat?)

2-1 to Grammer now

Tiny Tim
Muppets: It's Kermit's nephew, Robin. he's so cute!

Grammer: Again, nothing to write home about and annoying in a way Robin is not.

So another victory for the Muppets, levelling the score now at 2-2

Others
Muppets: We have Gonzo as Charles Dickens, who though I don't like Gonzo I have to say plays the part really well and moves the story along. It's also a clever device that removes any need for a narrative voiceover. Then there's the inspired pairing of Beaker and Doctor Bunsen Burner. Hard to beat all that.

Grammer: The only other real character here is the girl whose father is in debt to Scrooge and whose house is about to be repossessed. She's good, but doesn't add enough to the story to beat the Muppets, who take this round, edging into the lead.

3-2 to the Muppets!

And now for the Ghosts.
Ghost of Christmas Past
Muppets: Nothing special. The voice was an annoying squeak and the idea he or she might have been an angel was a little confusing.

Grammer: Well I'm still having wet dreams about her, so she wins by a pair of very shapely legs!

Ghost of Christmas Present
Muppets: Friendly guy, big Muppet and quite serviceable if nothing terribly special.

Grammer: I'm afraid I didn't like him, and his stage production just bugged the tits off me. So the Muppets win this one.

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come
Muppets: Always hard to rate this guy. Dickens wrote him as little other than a silent cloaked figure, so without interfering too much with the original there's not a lot you can do. Their version was ok I guess.

Grammer: Interesting idea to have the Ghost in white instead of what has been remarkably the pattern, black. Also the idea that it's female, and based on someone Scrooge has met, is clever. All of which swings this well into Grammer's corner.

So the score is now 4-4, would you believe!

Okay then, they're our characters. Time to move on to the other factors.

True to the novel?
Muppets: Very much so, with hardly any deviation, even given the little comedic asides with Gonzo and Rizzo.

Grammer: Adds in quite a lot to the original story, but as I said earlier rather than detracting from the story they actually make it more kind of fleshed out, and I think Dickens would have approved. Hard one this.

The Muppets satisfy the criterion of sticking to the story, but so many other versions have done so, that I think Grammer's version was brave and visionary in adding on as it did, therefore I'm awarding this round to him.

5-4 to Grammer.

On the rest of the categories - Emotion, Horror and Puke level - everything is pretty much as you were, so that leaves us with
Soundtrack
Muppets: Some good songs, fairly twee but you'd expect that.
Grammer: A triumphant full score with some amazing songs, and really keeps the music going even for dialogue. Well, it is a musical from a stage play! The juxtapositioning of songs like "It is nothing to do with me" at the start  to "It's all to do with me" after his conversion, in a sort of 1970s Finney way is well executed, and I really have to give this to Grammer, making the score

6-4 to him.

So is that it? Or is there anything else we can look at? There's no point in looking at stars, as both have a bona fide screen icon playing the main role, and though the Muppet Christmas Carol has no other stars per se, the Muppets are all stars themselves, so their presence kind of cancels out the host of other stars in Grammer's version, leading to a draw there. There's overall enjoyment I guess, but then I thoroughly enjoyed each, so that would be a draw too. I guess you could say the Muppet version is an original screenplay, whereas Grammer's is based on a stage play, but then, he was in that too, so that still makes it pretty original in my book.

I honestly don't see any other factors to be taken into consideration, and so I declare the winner of the Scrooge Showdown, the alltime best ever movie version of "A Christmas Carol" to be
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2F9%2F9d%2FChristmasCarol2004.jpg&hash=68ad869f2768391ef0468bbb32fb46d6acd60463)
Thank you all for sticking with me, and may God bless us, every one! Or something.

(https://i.postimg.cc/JhTJcL9r/xmasthsmall-BURNS.png)
Ah-hoy-hoy! Or perhaps I should say "Ah-hoy-hoy-hoy!" Ah yes how amusing. I really must start paying my writers. What do you mean, pay them more? No, no, my friend: I mean pay them at all. Well they have to work off their little bursts of creativity somewhere now don't they? And I do have those photographs...

Quite. So just remember that, all right? Now, let me just sit down a moment. All this running from journal to journal tires an old man out, you know! I'm not the spry seventy-eight-year-old I once was! But it's worth it if it means I can show you what Christmas a la Burns is like. Time to have a peek at another one of those pesky Christmas songs, eh? You know the ones: always blasting at full volume out of the infernal wireless or tootling out of the tannoy whenever you go down to the local shopping auditorium to purchase some bengay and a bottle of catsup. Or is it ketchup? Catsup? Ketchup? Catsup? Ketchup? I get confused; well who wouldn't? The blasted bottles look identical, for the love of Peter!

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes: those dratted Christmas songs. Can't avoid them. Go shopping, there they are. Stay at home, there they are. Even if I switch off all forms of media in my mansion I can still hear their annoying croaking drifting up from the servants' quarters - what? I specifically told them there was to be NO entertainment this Christmas! Remind me to fire them, preferably on Christmas Eve. Bwa-ha-ha-ha!
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F%5Bimg%5Dhttps%3A%2F%2Fpbs.twimg.com%2Fprofile_images%2F803692950559592449%2F1nKtpxhh_400x400.jpg&hash=b19a7eec4e2c03581e94e1ca0209b18c2ad4d000)[/img]
Anyhoo, on with the show, as they say. Here's our next cheery Christmas tune, just ripe for the picking apart.
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2Fe%2Fed%2FIwi%2A%2A%2A%2Acouldbe.jpg&hash=07b5eafe33e8b5394682b4e0a5bf4f8dc2262008)

What? Where in blues blazes is my picture? Oh for the love of... Because the words "wish" and "it" come together the stupid Nanny system has decided the word is "shit" and won't show the picture because the link is "asterisked" out in places! Bah! Release the hounds on these do-gooder, tree-hugging, save-the-whales hippies! I hate them all! Now I have to save the image on my own computator - er, SMITHERS! Yes, it keeps saying "file not found". .. ah. Excellent. Most impressive. Now go home to your can of cold mushroom soup. I no longer need you.
(https://i1.sndcdn.com/artworks-000172878958-ld1uxo-t500x500.jpg)
Let's see now, upload. Upload? What in - SMITHERS!! Ah yes, thank you once again. Most kind. Yes in fact the hounds HAVE been released: you know the distance to the wall, I'm sure a fit young fellow like you can make it in - Hmm. I would advise you desist wasting time and - Ah. Hello? Emergency Services? Yes. Ambulance please, post haste. Yes, Burns Manor. Yes, Smithers again. Yes, the Hounds. Look, I don't intend playing twenty questions with you young lady! Send the meat wagon immediately! Thank you. Oh yes, of course. Merry Christmas to you too. (Bah!)
(https://deadhomersociety.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/22shortfilmsaboutspringfield6.png)
Now let's just see if ... Huzzah! Success!
(https://images.genius.com/30784e148f77d51ddac8b1ef30cc7b1e.280x280x1.jpg)
Ah yes, excellent! Wizzards eh? I could do with a new potion to extend my - what?!! I've never heard such poppycock in all my days! You wish it could be Christmas every day, do you? Well, you're the only one, my bearded friend! You seriously believe that the Sally Housewifes and Eddie Punchclocks of this world would enjoy queuing for presents, taking their squalling brats to see some old fool dressed as Santa Claus (it was a WAGER, all right? I lost a wager...), writing Christmas cards and running up credit card bills the size of a Central African country's GDP do you? Every day? You would have this horrendous season every single day? Are you mad?

The mere logistics of such a thing boggle the mind! You would have to have had three hundred and sixty-five identitcal Saviours, each born in the same city one day apart, for that to work. Do you know the odds against that happening? And how would the economy fare, were your fond dream to come true, hmm? Hard-pressed employers like myself are forced by law to allow our lollygagging drones a day off for this momentous day, and you would have it every day, would you? So the organ banks would be off 365 days a year, ie there would be no work done. What utter nonsense!

Speaking of nonsense, let's take a closer look at these so-called lyrics and see if they at least make some sort of - what in the hellfires of damnation?? "When the snowman brings the snow"? Snowmen are MADE of snow, you bearded moron! They can't BRING snow. Snow brings them. Assuming some snivelling little child has the time on his busy hands to create one! What else is there, let's see... "Now the frosty paws appear, and they've frozen up my beard"... Were these chaps known to indulge in the "waccy baccy", as I believe it's referred to these days? Ah, they were? Explains a lot. Not that line though: what in the name of Samuel Hill are these frosty paws he's talking about?

Oh dear, this is getting depressing. "When Santa brings his sleigh all along the Milky Way." Santa lives in the North Pole, you fool! It's on Earth! He doesn't have to travel the galaxy, and he couldn't anyway: how would those delightful (and delicious, take it from one who knows - oh you thought there were only eight reindeer, did you? That was the year SANTA lost the wager! ) reindeer breathe? Absolute balderdash! Oh, and look at the last line: "Why don't you give your love for Christmas?" Capital idea! Find the cheapest, most meaningless present that is going to take you zero time to buy, wrap and give. Baste my steaming puddings! Can you imagine anyone offering their love as a Christmas present? And they call me a miser!
(https://preview.redd.it/doughnuts-i-told-you-i-dont-like-ethnic-food-v0-utjatquez27c1.jpeg?auto=webp&s=4679914df8a2b1b06383dc79884945fa7a9d1742)
Look, the biggest mistake I can see was when a band decided to record a Christmas song when previously their main area of interest had been in advising people to see their baby jive. Should have stuck to those sort of songs, my friends. Now we're condemned to listen to this idiotic drivel every single Christmas till we die. So thank Satan that it isn't Christmas every day, because if it was I think I would just have to end it all. And take Smithers with me of course. Smithers? Why are you looking at me like that? No no no! When I die, you'll be buried alive with me! What? I thought you said you couldn't bear to be separated? Well, this way that will never happen. It's my gift to you, on this festive season of giving.
(https://y.yarn.co/71e89f16-64a9-4c56-a224-0395040197a0_text.gif)
Merry Christmas Smithers! Of course I'll come to see you in hospital, my faithful lackey! (Hah! Not bloody likely! Now, want ads, want ads ... faithful lackey required, must be able to run faster than the Hounds....)

(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia.giphy.com%2Fmedia%2Fapufn3TLcTFAY%2Fgiphy.gif&hash=144fab7d1e50096fbb63058d042cb8d3d2c99c5f)

Once more unto the weird, my friends, once more. Or choke up their chimneys with our discarded wrapping paper, or something.

Last chance to check out some totally off-the-wall Christmas songs, as recommended by friends and enemies, another time, another place...

I had to include both of these, although they're by the same artist.
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2Fthumb%2F7%2F7c%2FTwistedChristmas.jpg%2F330px-TwistedChristmas.jpg&hash=03fa06f63fdcc1b09bb2f0418a3d5a559151f9c4)

This is sung to the tune of "Iron Man" and even has Ozzy in a cameo getting furious that he's been ripped off! Not to mention the two young ladies in the video, one "Naughty" and one "Nice"! I know which I'd prefer! Great lyric: "Full of Christmas cheer/ He only has to work one day a year" and "Millions of kids out there/ Santa must be a millionaire"! Excellent.

(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2Fthumb%2F7%2F7c%2FTwistedChristmas.jpg%2F330px-TwistedChristmas.jpg&hash=03fa06f63fdcc1b09bb2f0418a3d5a559151f9c4)
And this is hilarious! Crossdressing song set to the tune of "Winter Wonderland" - "In the snow there's a teddy, little straps like spaghetti". Wonderful stuff. And very weird. In a good way.

What can you say about "The 12 lays of Christmas"? I should be so lucky! :laughing: Good singer though.

Another favourite (!) of The Batlord, here's Insane Clown Posse with their take on Christmas.

No idea what album it's from - and I trawled through their discography in case it showed up but no luck - but it's pretty funny, with a healthy dose of angry.

Time for the penultimate selection from
(https://i.postimg.cc/52vY8mJD/25worst2a.png)

(I didn't rank them, as I said, but man, some of these come with warnings from me, and they are appropriate! Listen at your own risk!)

(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2Fthumb%2Fc%2Fc1%2FClint_Black%252C_Christmas_With_You.jpg%2F220px-Clint_Black%252C_Christmas_With_You.jpg&hash=635c14330bb90681800a5c722a64480456abd1ea)
Christmas with You - Clint Black - 2004 (Equity)

I guess in many ways you could say Country music is almost uniquely suited to the Christmas market. I don't claim to be any sort of an expert, but it seems to me that Country relies a lot on sentimentality, memories, traditions and has a real connection with religion, all relevant and important factors when constructing a Christmas album. Of course, there are so many Country artists out there, and whose record do you find the most repugnant, from a Christmas point of view?
Well, Clint Black (NO! CLINT! C-L-I-N-T! Don't be dirty!) comes close. Now I don't know the guy, have no experience of his music, but the sheer oversentimentality and cheesiness that drips from every groove on this record (ask yer parents, I'm sick explaining! Well, ask yer grandparents, then!) definitely puts him in my crosshairs. Add to that the fact that this album is a reissue of his original Christmas outing, back in 1996, and you really have to ask yourself why he's bothering unleashing it on us again? I know that's probably the label's call, but still, you'd imagine he would have some input.

Every song here is an original. That could be good, or it could be bad. It's bad. There are, admittedly, no angels having been heard singing on high or nights without any sound, and not a snowman to be seen, but these songs are so bad I almost wish there were. From the dreary and sickening opener "The finest gift", where Clint talks about his woman's love as being, you guessed it, to the terrible "Santa's holiday song", which mercifully closes the album, this is mawkish schmaltz from the word go to the word please stop. Yeah, I know that's two words!

In fairness, there are a few decent tracks. "The kid" is an interesting idea, where the singer remembers being a child and all excited about Christmas, then is grown up as a parent and watching his kid do the same thing, and "Looking for Christmas" is a nice look at the arrival in Bethlehem two thousand and some years ago. Trouble is, it's the title of the original '96 album, which kind of reminds you you're paying for recycled product. But the bad definitely outweighs the good, which tracks like "Milk and cookies (Til Santa's gone)" and "Under the mistletoe" particularly puke-inducing, though "The coolest pair" is a bit of fun. That fun does not however last very long.

TRACKLISTING

1. The Finest Gift
2. Under the Mistletoe
3. The Kid
4. The Coolest Pair
5. Looking for Christmas
6. Christmas for Every Boy and Girl
7. 'Til Santa's Gone (Milk and Cookies)
8. Slow as Christmas
9. The Birth of the King
10. Looking for Christmas (Reprise)
11. Christmas with You
12. Santa's Holiday Song

All I can say is, knock back that eggnog or mulled wine, or indeed, triple whisky (you'll need it!) if you're going to listen to this.
(https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRjIyP_ZHSW6CMDsFLhNwZvZpmqPqxLh6O87x2fZT7Qzv8Fq7zjAg)
  Christmas: Women of Faith - Women of Faith - 2000 (Integrity)

I would never slag anyone's religion or beliefs off, but it must be a scary sight, thousands and thousands of women all coming together in the name of Jesus. That's what Women of Faith is: an organisation that holds these sort of concerts, festivals, gatherings where they all get together and sing about how much they love the Saviour. Kind of like Glastonbury, but without the leather, loud music, booze, drugs, scantily-clad girls, motorbikes, references to the Devil ... yeah, nothing like Glastonbury really. Probably more like a very long mass with music. Urgh! Anyway, they also produce these albums, and I suppose if they're going to do so, Christmas would seem the perfect time.

The trouble is, as with most overtly-religious groups, or anyone trying to push a view, they come across as over-enthusiastic to the point of almost hostility to anyone who doesn't hold their views. The album of course is heavily slanted towards songs of a religious nature, so you have "Joy to the world", "Silent night", "Away in a manger", "O holy night", as well as various medleys, but nothing about the most important person, the one Christmas is all about, he who was born on this day to take away our sins. Yeah, nothing about Santa Claus at all!

Seriously, you wouldn't give this as a present to anyone, unless they're a dyed-in-the-wool Christian who thinks going to mass seven days a week is not enough. The music's pleasant enough, and sung well, but as always with Christian artists I find an underlying current of veiled menace in the way these songs are put across: it's like they're saying "This is our special time, now hear us roar!" Uh, yeah.

TRACKLISTING

1. Medley: You Are Emmanuel/Emmanuel
2. Angels We Have Hear On High
3. Joy To The World
4. O Holy Night
5. Medley: Thou Didst Leave Thy Throne/Worthy, You Are Worthy
6. Silent Night
7. Medley: The Birthday Of A King/O Come All Ye Faithful
8. Holy Lamb Of God
9. Away In A Manger
10. Medley: One Small Child/More Precious Than Silver

(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fecx.images-amazon.com%2Fimages%2FI%2F51A2zTaV1FL._SL500_AA300_.jpg&hash=bb80eb8eddd1691c13b75ef5c78ffc573d3f7481)
Christmas in the Stars: Star Wars Christmas - Meco Monardo - 1996 (Rhino)

Quite possibly outright winner for the "weirdest Christmas album" goes to this one, in which producer Meco Monardo, at the time famous for his disco treatments of the famous Star Wars tunes, turns his hand to celebrating the festive season in the company of Chewbacca, C3PO and R2D2. With songs like "What do you buy a Wookie for Christmas (When he's already got a comb)?" and "The odds against Christmas", not to mention the title track, you're unlikely to come across another offering of this, well, weirdness, anywhere.
It even has Threepio retelling "The night before Christmas", while his shorter, rounder companion whistles and bleeps his way through an interesting rendition of "Sleigh ride". Most of the songs were written by a Yale Music Professor, just to add to the esoteric nature of the album, and produced by Meco, with all the songs running into a general overall theme and story that threads its way through the album, as droids working for Santa slowly come to learn the meaning of Christmas.

Only one meaning for George though: gimme that foldin' green! This album is only for Star Wars fanatics, or someone who wants a good laugh at Xmas time. To anyone else, it's just going to seem - what's the word? - oh yeah: weird.

TRACKLISTING

1. Christmas In The Stars
2. Bells, Bells, Bells
3. The Odds Against Christmas
4. What Can You Get A Wookiee For Christmas....
5. R2-D2 We Wish You A Merry Christmas
6. Sleigh Ride
7. Merry, Merry Christmas
8. A Christmas Sighting ('Twas The Night Before...)
9. The Meaning Of Christmas

(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmegaboon.com%2Fimages%2Frelease%2F400%2F412%2F203412.jpg%3F8.209031708538532&hash=cb2c927ef637597e32b9b63bea39536b746a774c)
Christmas Time Again - Lynyrd Skynyrd - 2000 (CMC International)

Oh guys! How could you? Of all the people I expected not to succumb to the lure of a Christmas album...!

Yep, at the turn of the millennium the boys who brought you "Sweet home Alabama" and "Free bird" sold their souls, and not for rock and roll either. With songs like "Santa Claus wants some lovin'" and "Hallelujah, it's Christmas!" though, you know this is not going to be just another tired collection of carols and hymns, and Xmas favourites. But it finds its way into this list due to my sheer disbelief that the godfathers of southern rock would even consider releasing such a thing.
There are contributions from Charlie Daniels on "Santa Claus is coming to town", two Rudolph songs - "Run Rudolph run" and the perennial "Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer" - and even 38 Special put in an appearance. Oddly enough, there's a version of "Greensleeves" - not sure why that seems to be associated with Christmas these days - and the opener "Santa's messin' with the kid" is great fun, but overall you have to wonder why a band of Skynyd's calibre would get involved in something like this. Surely they couldn't have run out of whisky money already?

TRACKLISTING

1. Santa's Messin' with the Kid
2. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
3. Christmas Time Again
4. Greensleeves
5. Santa Claus Is Coming to Town
6. Run Run Rudolph
7. Mama's Song
8. Santa Claus Wants Some Lovin'
9. Classical Christmas"
10. Hallelujah, It's Christmas
11. Skynyrd Family

(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmegaboon.com%2Fimages%2Frelease%2F400%2F373%2F395373.jpg%3F6.565820057876408&hash=94c70f254e5650714a66e381a0ef49fa2ebedecf)
Christmas Time is Here - Christopher Cross - 2010 (101 Distribution)


Now a lot of us like Chris, and those of us that don't at least know his hits, but surely this is yet another unnecessary, unwanted Christmas album by an artist who should know better? Taking into account Cross's considerable songwriting talent, I think (though I can't be sure, despite repeated searches for the answer) that he has written some new songs here. Certainly titles like "Count your blessings instead of sheep" and "Dream of peace at Chrismastime" sound new, and I definitely haven't heard or seen them on any of the other Christmas albums I've so far eviscerated, sorry, reviewed.
He doesn't overpopulate it with "Christmas favourites" either, with just "Have yourself a merry little Christmas", "Silent night", "The Christmas song" and "Little drummer boy" fitting the bill, though he does throw in one or two I haven't heard much, if at all, before, such as "O come, o come Emmanuel", also that one that cropped up on Density, sorry Destiny's Child's offering, 8 Days of Christmas, "Do you hear what I hear". So a pretty balanced album all taken as all, and probably not the worst, but again I ask the pertinent and recurring question: why?

Other than the obvious reason, no-one's been able to answer that yet, which means that every album on this list qualifies to be here.

TRACKLISTING

1. Silent Night
2. Christmas Time is Here
3. The Christmas Song
4. Does It Feel Like Christmas
5. Little Drummer Boy
6. I'll Be Home For Christmas
7. A Dream Of Peace At Christmas Time
8. Count Your Blessings instead of Sheep
9. Do You Hear What I Hear
10. The Best Christmas
11. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
12. O Come, O Come,Emmanuel

And finally, we reach the end of
(https://i.postimg.cc/QtRVBBPj/cartoonxmas1.jpg)
(https://btckstorage.blob.core.windows.net/site13706/Action%20Nan/icons/Day%2012%20icon.JPG)
Episode title: Road to the North Pole
Series: Family Guy
Season: 9
Written by: Chris Sheridan, Danny Smith
First transmitted: December 12 2010

Ah, now we're cooking! As I've said before, if one tenuous and yet very strong strand of rope holds, or held, the entire Family Guy apparatus together, keeping it precariously swinging over the abyss but not falling into it, it's the relationship between Stewie and Brian. If you get an episode without the two of them in it, chances are, these days anyway, it's going to suck. Add in the "Road" series, of which there have been, to date, seven not including this, and you almost always have a recipe for success. So to team that up with a Christmas episode and have the intrepid pair head to see Santa, well, you're guaranteed a good episode.

I don't normally do this, but as most if not all of the "Road" movies have interesting and different opening titles, with the usual song and dance (literally) absent, and the theme entirely changed, and as this is a Christmas episode which for once allows the cartoonists to reference the holiday season, I think it might be worth checking off all the Christmas-themed shots that are shown in these opening titles.

So, they are then, in order: Stewie and Brian in "The Nutcracker", dashing across the snow in a sleigh (open but not one-horse), a scene from A Christmas Carol in which Brian plays the ghost of Jacob Marley and Stewie is a frightened Scrooge, Brian building a snowman while Stewie builds a rather gay-looking strongman version of Rupert, Brian pulling a different sleigh down a hill with antlers on his head while Stewie urges him on with a whip, from atop a massive sack of presents, then Brian and Stewie as ornaments on a Christmas tree, the two of them camping out at night in a snow-covered forest, Stewie tobogganing down a snowy hill on Brian's back, Brian wearing a top hat and smoking a pipe. Then we have Stewie staring in horror at something while outside Chris grins evilly and Brian looks annoyed, Brian and Stewie having a snowball fight, with Stewie about to launch a barrage of snowballs at Brian via a catapult, Stewie electrocuting Brian with the Christmas lights, the two of them as biscuits left out on a plate for Santa, a bite taken out of Stewie, the two of them filling Meg's stocking with coal (Brian with a wheelbarrow full of the stuff wearing a hard hat while Stewie stands on a ladder and empties a bag of it  into the stocking) and Brian and Stewie making snow angels (though Stewie's comes out as a snow devil - did they steal that from The Simpsons or vice versa?). Note: none of these scenes occur in the show.

There: we've had some super fun already and there's been plenty to write about, and we're only through the credits. It starts in live action, with for some reason Seth's actual father narrating the show, but that thankfully quickly fades out and we get a big musical number, which to be fair Family Guy are very good at doing. Brian is taking Stewie to see Santa at the mall, but the line is so long that by the time they get to the top the store is closing and they're unable to be seen. Furious, Stewie decides to go to see Santa at the North Pole and give him a piece of his mind. Of course he can't drive so Brian has to take him. He tries to fool him by bringing him instead to Santa's Village, but Stewie sees through it. When Brian tries to talk him out of going to the actual North Pole, Stewie says he has to, as he intends to take his revenge on Santa by killing him.

Brian still refuses, knowing how long - and pointless - such a journey is, but Stewie decks him and next thing he sees the baby is in a truck headed north. With no alternative but to follow him, Brian sets off. Stewie causes a traffic accident when he sets off a flare gun in the cab and Brian's car is also wrecked. Although he tries to convince Stewie that his quest is doomed to failure, as Santa does not exist, Stewie refuses to believe him. They make a deal, and borrow a snowmobile and they are on their way. Their fuel runs out though so they have to spend the night in an old hunting lodge, and head off in the morning on foot.

To Brian's amazement (but not ours obviously) there is a North Pole where Santa lives, and they have reached it. However, when they enter they find that instead of a Christmas toytown village with elves running around and wooden trains and cars and things, it's a smoking, frowning industrial nightmare, huge chimney stacks belching foul dark fumes out into the soot-choked air, high wooden gates and a Santa who is very depressed and tired. So much so that when Stewie, recovering somewhat, declares he is here to kill him, Santa sighs "Thank god!" and encourages him to pull the trigger. He takes them inside, to show them that his elves have degenerated, after centuries of in-breeding, into a mutated race of simpletons and monsters. The reindeer have become feral, feasting on the elves who walk outside to die when it gets too much. He tells them this has all come about because kids these days want too much, and his staff are forced to work ridiculously long hours, polluting the environment and sinking deeper into misery and despair.

Cue another musical number in which Santa and his elves complain that Christmas is killing them. Santa then collapses, and while he's being cared for Brian and Stewie deliver the presents, taking the sleigh. Would anyone like to hazard a guess as to whether this all works out according to plan? Of course they crash, the reindeer stuck up a tree and pretty soon they're, well, murdering a family to cover their tracks. Ah, Christmas! Don't you just love it? Having completely failed to do the job, Brian and Stewie instead present Santa, frail and ill in a wheelchair and hooked up to IVs, on the news, and explain how everyone's incessant and greedy demands at Christmas for more, more more is killing him, and ask everyone to restrict their list to one present a year, in order to save Santa Claus.

One year later...

Santa's village is back to how it should be, the elves are, well, human again and Santa is hale and hearty. Everyone gets just one present and is happy about it, and all is well.

Notes

As explained in the intro, this is a really excellent Family Guy Christmas episode, which is really a feat, considering the dross they've served up over the years. But it's mostly - well, let's be honest, it's all on the back of that partnership that continues to keep the Family Guy franchise lurching along when it should have been put down years ago. With a "Road" movie to buttress this story, it's a whole different, er, story. There's a real feel of Christmas about it, from the opening Hollywood-style titles to the songs and the setting at the North Pole, and the climactic ending, but there's enough madness thrown in to make sure you never forget this is, after all, Family Guy you're watching.

The industrialisation of Santa's Village is harrowing and well done, the mutant/retard elves clever and the feral reindeer a nice touch, while Stewie and Brian's attempts to take over the Christmas delivery have hilarious and indeed terrifying consequences (Stewie: "Let's be honest, Brian. This is no longer a Christmas delivery, it's a home invasion!") providing nearly - nearly - as much blood and gratuitous violence as the American Dad episode. Thank Christ Peter is only peripherally involved in this episode, as he really would have ruined it, though I don't get the reason Seth's father (yeah apparently it really is him) had to introduce and narrate the episode. Probably just wanted to feature. He doesn't add anything to it, other than the expected crude jokes.

The crash of the big rig and the subsequent road accident, the trek across the snow on the snowmobile, the winking David Boreanaz in the sky, all classic FG tropes and Brian's struggle to try to let Stewie down gently over the non-existence of Santa, hit upside the head when he realises he has been wrong, shows the depth of feeling between the two - well, mostly from Brian's side, who doesn't want to shatter the kid's illusions but can see no other way of dissuading him from taking the long trip. Quagmire's contempt for Brian also comes in here, when he cuts the line for Santa and inadvertently ends up traumatising his niece, a cancer patient. There's also time for cameos from a few well-known characters, including Seamus, the doctor, Mayor West and Bruce to name but a few.

But there are as usual questions. First off, how did Santa's elves all suddenly normalise within a year? Or if these are new ones, is it possible for them to breed that much in one year and if so, what happened to the old, mutant ones with the reindeer gone? Were they disposed of somehow? Well okay there's just that one question. I like the way the doctor elf left to look after Santa looks like a tiny Steve from American Dad.

Without question the best of the (really poor) Family Guy Christmas episodes. If only they left Christmas in the hands of those who know how to do it, and not entrust so much to the fat man, they might have ended up having better ones down the years. Oh well; at least one doesn't suck.


HAPPY CHRISTMAS FUCKERS! :D

I probably should have included this in The Twelve Days of Christmas Cartoons, but at the time, for whatever reason, I didn't, so let's have it then as the last of our
(https://i.postimg.cc/HLNwT9wx/xmastv1.jpg)
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/8/84/Futurama_1999_logo.svg/440px-Futurama_1999_logo.svg.png)
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.trollheart.com%2Fxmasthsmall.png&hash=6a743e1650ec2656e0f53fb5e3f4dddcd66c1186)
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.trollheart.com%2Fxmasth4.png&hash=224c2b96ed105e827935f08b34ca3bd4601ee87e)

(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2F5%2F5a%2FRobotsanta.jpg&hash=f7dca2b457105cfc2666bf4cad9a0c1c48b49385)
"Xmas Story" Futurama episode (Fox, 1999)

A homicidal robotic Santa who charges around on Xmas Eve in a sled powered by huge, snarling, fire-breathing reindeer and whose main objective is to kill everyone seen as "naughty" on his list, ie everyone: what's not to like? Once again Futurama take a well-known and loved character and evil him up, turning the whole premise of Santa and even Christmas on its head. In this episode, Fry is looking forward to Christmas (now officially called Xmas) but everyone else fears being attacked by the robot Santa, something he does not understand until he foolishly gets caught out on the streets after dark looking for a present for Leela...

This may not be an actual staple of Christmas TV but it should, and if you get a chance to see it make sure you do. Lines like "Their mistletoe is no match for my TOW missile!" and "Santa Claus is gunning you down!" in addition to the appearance of the mad robot Santa, an army of homeless robber robots led by Bender doing a passable Fagin, and some iconic movie scenes recreated all make this worth seeing. Truth is, though nobody has confirmed it, I think the robot Santa made his first real appearance in the Simpsons episode "Homer's Phobia", when John, the gay toyshop owner, used one very similar to rout the reindeer that were attacking Homer.

There was a followup story "A Tale of Two Santas", in which Bender takes over the role of the robot Santa, but for my money this is the best, being the original. Mind you, if you get a chance to see that one don't miss it either.

Let's wrap this up then (see what I did there?) and check out the last of the
(https://i.postimg.cc/52vY8mJD/25worst2a.png)
(https://media.tenor.com/68oWekM2La0AAAAM/homer-simpson-homer.gif)
Never mind, it'll all be over soon, just a nasty memory your mind will block for you for years to come, rather than face the awful truth...
Warning from Trollheart: these are some heavy-duty, seriously BAD selections coming up! If you're not sure you can handle it DO NOT continue. You have been warned...
(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmegaboon.com%2Fimages%2Frelease%2F400%2F230%2F26230.jpg%3F0.39086654782295227&hash=eb27d6166351c357794e9b464f7bc3ff2e5cdbdb)
Christmas for All - The Kelly Family - 1995 (Import)

Hah! Nearly wrote "The Jelly Family" there! Ah, wouldn't that be something? A family of gelatin desserts, all singing about Christmas. You think that would be bad? Then you haven't heard this album! The only possible thing worse than if the Corrs were to release a Christmas album (and they may have done; I'm only scratching the tip of the crapberg here) is an album from the Kelly Family, and the only thing worse than an album from the Kelly Family is a Christmas album from the Kelly Family!

The kind of people who give Ireland a bad name, travelling around in a double-decker bus and playing trad music, upping the Paddywhackery factor to ten, and they're not even Irish! I mean, they have Irish  blood, but they originate from the USA then came to Spain before finding fame as this travelling musical family, but they rely heavily on celebrating their Catholic faith and family values in their music. However, any band or group who can write a song about bedwetting gets the thumbs-down from me!

This is, in fact, their second Christmas album, and features such glorious Xmas ditties as "Jingle bells", "Ave Maria", "The first Noel" and "We are the world" (?)  I say again, ?. Also included is one of my most hated "comedy" Christmas songs, "All I want for Christmas is me two front teeth" (Christ!) and other favourites such as "Silent night" and "Little drummer boy", as well as some of their own material, like "Santa Maria" and "Peces" - which, given the subject matter of the  earlier mentioned song should perhaps be titled "Feces"?
(https://media1.giphy.com/media/3o84UdydcIaLtbuIXC/200.gif?cid=6c09b952jf65rkwt8ql3bq6j5v7ta32mjd0qe4t0vitpf0cv&ep=v1_internal_gif_by_id&rid=200.gif&ct=g)
It would certainly describe this collection of annoying, family-friendly, over-the-top happy, pointless, unrealistic and annoying (I know I said annoying twice, but it is that annoying!) Christmas songs. Another album that should have been strangled at birth. Bring on the Corrs, says I!

TRACKLISTING

1. One more Christmas
2. Santa Maria
3. White Christmas
4. Peces
5. Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
6. Two front teeth
7. The first Noel
8. Ave Maria
9. O holy night
10. Chi-qui-rri-tin
11. Who'll come with me
12. Jingle bells
13. Little drummer boy
14. We are the world
15. Santa Maria (reprise)

(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmegaboon.com%2Fimages%2Frelease%2F400%2F944%2F377944.jpg%3F0.31849352177232504&hash=4ccab87bac3a4706631f92e567c6218465d18ca0)
Christmas Eve - James Last with Engelbert Humperdinck - 1995 (Avalanche)

There's an episode of the TV sci-fi sitcom Red Dwarf where the characters are on a planet where all the world's most evil people have come alive as waxworks (bear with me) and Lister and the Cat, locked in a cell and awaiting their fate, are watching as Lister names off all the bad guys. Hitler, Mussollini, Rasputin... then he gasps, unable to take it. "Oh my god!" he says in disbelief and horror. "That's James Last! I recognise him from Rimmer's record collection!"

If you don't know the series that probably meant nothing to you, but it does serve to underline that to people of my age, when we were young, James Last was the Devil. Not a good Devil, like Ozzy or Alice, who made you want to rebel against society, your parents, whatcha got? No. James Last was the good Devil, the Flanders Devil. He was everything we hated in music, everything we were opposed to. His soulless, feather-light treatment of classics and pop tunes drifted from every lift (elevator) in every shopping centre (mall) and his grinning face could be seen peeking out of every record shelf labelled "Easy listening". James Last was the antithesis of rock; he took safe tunes and made them safer, and we hated him for it. At least, I did, and all my mates did. He was the kind of music your parents listened to, and there was no more damning indictment than that.

I was always a Mantovani man, myself; if you wanted some relaxing instrumental music, the man from Italy was the one to go to. But Last? Ugh! You'd rather listen to white noise than his pre-packaged brand of supermarket soft pop instrumentals. And yet he was mega-popular, selling over seventy million albums - dude, that's 0.07 BILLION albums! - and with a discography that takes up three full columns on Wiki. And Christmas was one of the times when he was unleashed upon us with his full, terrible ferocity.

To make things worse, here he's joined by sixties singing sensation Engelbert Humperdinck - a man who actually changed his name TO this! I mean, he wasn't born with it: when he became famous he TOOK the name! Beggars belief!. Also surely one of the most frequently misspelled and mispronounced names in music history? So he sings while Last plays, and we all promise to do anything the duo say if they will just PLEASE STOP!
There's nothing more to say. The bossa-nova beat was invented for people like Last, and even though I'm now old enough to be a parent (though I'm not one) I STILL loathe his music with a passion. Some demons just never die, y'know? Still, he's getting on in years, can't have much time left ... unless he's signed a contract with the Devil! Oh no! Surely not...?

TRACKLISTING

1. Believe In Love
2. Have I Told You Lately
3. Holly Holy
4. Ave Maria
5. One More Night
6. Your Love
7. Bed Of Roses
8. White Christmas
9. Lean On Me
10. A Whole New World
11. O Little Town of Bethlehem
12. God's Sending Angels

(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmegaboon.com%2Fimages%2Frelease%2F400%2F77%2F422077.jpg%3F2.173937491606921&hash=27a557102cd9ed28682a4435b8c347ea6976f1d1)
Christmas in the Heart - Bob Dylan - 2009 (Sony)

Now I'm no Dylan fan, but surely even he must hang his head in shame at getting roped in to the "Christmas album" deal, something I would have felt sure, from his reputation, that he would have steered clear of, even sneered at? I'd be more surprised, to be honest, to see Nick Cave or Mayhem release a Christmas album! But here he is, complete with Russian-looking horsedrawn sled, snow and lots of songs about the festive season, delivered in the characteristic lazy drawl that has become his trademark, and made of him a living legend in music. Personally, I don't like his singing, but who am I to talk?
Well, looking a little deeper now, I see that all profits from the sales of the album went to various worthy charities, so I guess I can't put him down too much on that front. None of the songs are composed  by him, which is itself perhaps unusual for such a prolific songwriter. He prefers to stick with the standards: "The first Noel", "Here comes Santa Claus", "Winter wonderland" and so on, with "The Christmas Blues" and Mitch Miller's "Must be Santa" thrown in to just offset the traditional songlist. It's Dylan's first - and to date, last - Christmas album, and it sold very well, so I guess the charities the sales supported at least had a happy Christmas. Can't say the same for anyone unlucky enough to have received this as a gift.

TRACKLISTING

Here Comes Santa Claus
Do You Hear What I Hear?
Winter Wonderland
Hark the Herald Angels Sing
I'll Be Home for Christmas
Little Drummer Boy
The Christmas Blues
O' Come All Ye Faithful (Adeste Fideles)
Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
Must Be Santa
Silver Bells
The First Noel
Christmas Island
The Christmas Song
O Little Town of Bethlehem

(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fecx.images-amazon.com%2Fimages%2FI%2F41camZvnp0L._SL500_AA300_.jpg&hash=4805b548275b91d72558b41fc2bb5e03c1ae24a5)

Christmas at Home - Donny Osmond - 1997 (Sony)

Another suave, insincerely-friendly face stares out at you from yet another album cover for a Christmas collection. This time it's the darling of the seventies, America's most blue-eyed boy at the time, the star of the Osmonds, Donny. He's cooked up a concoction of Christmas favourites sure to brighten any Christmas. Er, yeah. With expected songs like "God rest ye merry gentlemen", "I'll be home for Christmas" and "The most wonderful time of the year", you also get more eclectic, perhaps lesser-known fare such as "After December slips away", "Who took the merry out of Christmas" and "A soldier's king", so at least you have to give him points for a certain amount of originality. But how original can you be on a Christmas album?

Donny looks well, standing in unconvincing snow in his expensive black suit, under an unconvincing sky and with one very unconvincing Christmas tree in the background, grinning at the camera, no doubt thinking of how much money this record is going to make off gullible fans, but you have to say at least he looks the part. However, I do wonder why so many of the reviews of albums like this on the likes of Amazon and CD Universe are so universally gushing. Guess they only select the good ones: don't want someone saying "This album is crap! Don't buy it!" now do they?

It's from one of these reviews that I find the one sentence that sums up this album, and also acts as a warning, though it's not meant to. These are the actual words of a fan: "It is one of the very best Christmas cd, right next to Clay Aiken, The Osmonds, and the Carpenters' Christmas cds." Nothing more need be said.

TRACKLISTING

1. Angels We Have Heard On High
2. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
3. I've Been Looking For Christmas
4. After December Slips Away
5. It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year
6. Baby, What You Goin' To Be
7. Deck The Halls/ Hark The Harold Angels Sing
8. I'll Be Home For Christmas
9. Who Took The Merry Out OF Christmas
10. O Holy Night/ Divine
11. A Soldier's King
12. The Kid In Me
13. My Grown-Up Christmas List
14. Mary, Did You Know?
15. Come To The Manger

(https://scd.community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmegaboon.com%2Fimages%2Frelease%2F400%2F942%2F246942.jpg%3F8.364372777286917&hash=ae0db41b9cd0a09a03386e6cf99745945fe757e7)
Christmas On the Open Road - Various Artists - 2008 (Oh who really cares?)

Man, these terrible Christmas albums have really taken it out of me! I couldn't even be bothered to find out what label this is on, but there's one good thing about this crummy album: it's the last in our series. I have no idea at all what it's about. Sounds like the sort of thing truckers might record, songs about being away from their families maybe, but I can't be sure. I know none of the artists featured on it, apart from Taylor Swift. The songs? They seem to be a mixture of standards like "Silent night", "The first Noel" and Elvis's "Blue Christmas" and I suppose original songs with titles like "Christmases when you were mine", "Papers angels" and "21st century Christmas", and someone called Russell de Carle sings "I got the blues for Christmas". I know how ya feel, man!

There's also some godawful song I've never heard before - and hope never to hear again! - called "Hockey sweater", not to mention "Christmas in jail", which, judging from the performances of some of the artistes here, is what they should be looking forward to! What is the point of this album? Then again, that's really a question you could ask about the last twenty-four albums in this series I guess.

TRACKLISTING

1. Christmas must be something more (Taylor Swift)
2. Merry Christmas to all (Doc Walker)
3. Silent night (Johnny Reid)
4. I wanna be your Santa Claus (Willie Mack/Jason McCoy)
5. Paper angels (Jimmie Wayne)
6. 21st century Christmas (Jaydee Bixby)
7. The first Noel (The Higgins)
8. I've got the blues for Christmas (Russell de Carle)
9. Auld lang syne (Jack Ingram)
10. Blue Christmas (Tara Oram)
11. Christmas in jail (Prairie Oyster)
12. Christmases when you were mine (Taylor Swift)
13. Hockey sweater (Dala)

I conceived this notion originally late in November, and initially wanted to make this a countdown to the very worst Christmas album ever, but quickly realised I had not the time to listen to each album, possibly more than once, so as to judge and place them. Not that these are albums you'd really want to listen to any more than once in any case, if at all! But it would have been cool to have crowned one album the Christmas Turkey. Still, what can you do? Perhaps next year I'll try listing the best Christmas albums. Probably a short list though.

In any case, I hope you've enjoyed this satirical and gently  humourous look at some of the albums released down the years over the festive season. I think you'll agree some were worse than others, some not so bad, and some so awful they should be forever locked away from human sight. Had we rated them, I feel sure the likes of the albums from The Kelly Family, James Last, Star Wars and that Irish Christmas one would have had a good shot at getting in there at the top, not to mention The Waltons and A Country Christmas! Ah, so many terrible albums, so little time!

Finally, if by some chance you happen to like any of my selections, as I said at the start, don't take offence. It's all in fun, and no slight is meant. Christmas is a time for japes and frolics, after all, and if you can't laugh at this time then when can you? Hope this list raised a few smiles, and all that's left to say is have yourselves a very happy Christmas, wherever you are, whatever you're doing, and whatever you choose to listen to.

(https://i.pinimg.com/originals/8d/36/41/8d36419bf841ce39e683bef3c93c9152.gif)

And that, my friends, is it, finally. When I originally made these threads (or features in my journal) I often took weeks, even months to put them together. Before the advent of Metal Month (what?) I could start as early as October. This time, to my considerable surprise, I did it all in six days! Yes, admittedly, almost all of it was pre-written by me, but even so, copying over, checking and occasionally amending posts, and making sure everything fits into the general theme of the thread, takes time. So now there are still twenty minutes of Christmas Day to go, and I'm done. Rather proud of myself.

I hope you've enjoyed some of what I've written, and who knows? Maybe I'll do it again next year. No, that's not a threat! If you haven't managed to read some of it (hardly all), don't worry:  this will be here and you can ignore it at your leisure. I've certainly enjoyed my little trip down Christmas memory lane, and revisiting the stuff I wrote when I was ten years older and had a lot less cares. I even bumped into the Ghost of Christmas Past on the way, but he was in a hurry to visit some old miser. Funnily enough, he looked to be heading for my house! Hey!

Anyhoo, all that remains is for me to wish you all a Happy/Merry Christmas, Season's Greetings, Happy Holidays or whatever festive greeting you prefer to use. Wherever you are, whatever you do and however you celebrate it, enjoy your Christmas. I'm off to relax!

As we say in Ireland: Nollaig shona diabh!

As they've been so involved in the thread, I'll leave the last word to America's favourite family.
(https://media.tenor.com/Oy4Z7fLCso4AAAAM/simpsons-christmas.gif)

Man, I wanted to comment on your review of Scrooged, but it's like three pages back.

I just wanted to add a couple of names. Loudermilk, the employee that Frank Cross fires at Christmas and whose life very quickly spirals, is of course played by Bobcat Goldthwait in a phenomenal role.

And it could be mentioned that the score is by Danny Elfman and bears some resemblance to things he'd do on the Beetlejuice and Edward Shoehornhands soundtracks.

It also had a bit of a troubled production and Bill Murray ad-libbed so much and went so bonkers during the final monologue the guys thought he was having an actual mental breakdown.

Thanks for that, Guybrush! Naturally, with so many movies to get through initially, I wasn't able to research much about them other than the cast, then I watched each in turn and made my own comments. But that's stuff that's good to know. Glad you enjoyed it anyway, and are reading. Happy Christmas (is there a Norwegian version? Probably is)!

Quote from: Trollheart on Dec 26, 2024, 01:02 AMThanks for that, Guybrush! Naturally, with so many movies to get through initially, I wasn't able to research much about them other than the cast, then I watched each in turn and made my own comments. But that's stuff that's good to know. Glad you enjoyed it anyway, and are reading. Happy Christmas (is there a Norwegian version? Probably is)!

There's been theater productions, but no movies that I know of. That's fine with me.. I think we got enough versions over the years 😅

Another weird Christmas movie here is Mama aka Rock 'n Roll Wolf. It is a musical best known for this song:


Back in the day, there was one TV channel and they got part of their programming from Eastern European countries. At least back then.. I remember it well.

Oh sorry, you took me up wrong. I meant is there a Norwegian greeting for Happy or Merry Christmas? As for the versions of A Christmas Carol, I stated at the beginning I was only looking at movie versions: no TV ones, no plays or even versions where famous people read the story. I got them all, except (gasp!) Barbie's Christmas Carol and that one I really wanted with the animals.

I liked your John Zorn post a lot, TH. His label did a lot of crazy stuff, including bands from France. I guess he was at least bilingual, perhaps multilingual.
Stabat Akish was a Toulouse band on his label who were brilliant but short-lived. But he spotted them which is the main thing.

I've been reading this thread as well just didn't comment on it.

Quote from: Trollheart on Dec 26, 2024, 02:53 AMOh sorry, you took me up wrong. I meant is there a Norwegian greeting for Happy or Merry Christmas? As for the versions of A Christmas Carol, I stated at the beginning I was only looking at movie versions: no TV ones, no plays or even versions where famous people read the story. I got them all, except (gasp!) Barbie's Christmas Carol and that one I really wanted with the animals.

Oh right! We say God jul which is basically short for have a good yule 🙂

The word "Christmas" isn't something I'm aware exists in our language. We only use yule or "julaften" (yule evening).

Thanks guys! Nice to know someone was reading. I know statistically about one percent of readers actually comment, but that's the only way I usually know that someone is reading, so thanks for letting me know.

I may do this again next Christmas, but one thing is certain: I'll give myself a lot more time to do it!

Happy New Year to yiz all!